I NEVER WANT TO BE CALLED A "PURSE"....

LAGUNA BEACH

-"Boyfriends are like purses." Gee thanks. Remind me never to be someone's boyfriend ever again then. The fact that I don't understand women's fascination with purses and probably never will makes me dislike this sentence uttered by LC even more. I'm like a purse? So that means I have no real use to you and you can toss me around like a rag doll if you don't like what color I am? Nice. Remind me never to be in a relationship ever again. You don't like us watching football? Well, we'd rather slit our wrists Bonaduce-style than go purse shopping with you. There. I said it.

-You know, it was so heartwarming to see Kristin be given a car by her dad. For two seasons, we've had to watch her poverty stricken life take more and more turns for the worse. It literally brought a tear to my eye to see someone who's been given so little in life, and who's never asked for much, be granted such a gift just for being herself. Kodak moment, no doubt. Let me ask you something. How do you think people in, oh I don't know, Podunk, Alabama felt watching that episode where Kristin's father just goes out and buys her a BMW SUV because her Isuzu Trooper wouldn't start? Think those people can relate to this show?

-Kristin's father is either the most naive man on the planet, or he memorized the lines the producers gave him.

Kristin's Dad, Dennis: "So what type of cars do kids at your school drive?"

Huh??? What???? Sir, with all due respect, you live in Laguna Beach. Do you drive around town with your eyes closed? Do you see who your daughter hangs out with? Like I said, he must've done one hell of a job remembering his lines on that one. Get with the program, Pops. Your daughter's friends are driving around $60,000 cars without working a day in their life.

-Naive Parents, Part II: LC was sure raised by a couple rocket scientists. Granted, I don't expect them to know that Jason has basically planted his seed in all willing and eligible Laguna Beach females, but c'mon. They didn't have a clue? Did they not want to meet this boy with the full blown beard that speaks in weird grunts and chuckles?

Crazy Parents: "So tell us about Jason. Is he a nice boy? Does he treat you right?"

Treat her right? That was their first mistake. What popular college freshman would ever want to date a guy that treats her right? I think there are laws against that. She wants to date the rebel, the guy who can't formulate a complete thought, the guy who can't put together two coherent sentences without wetting himself. That's what LC wants. Who cares how he treats her? She's gonna dump him once he gets old anyway and will latch on to the next man whore that gives her attention. Even I know how this game works.

-One of the more unbelievable dinner dates you'll ever see in your life. LC and Jason with a conversation for the ages. You had to be there. No seriously, you had to be there.

Jason: "You're so cute."
LC: "Awww..thank you."
Jason (smiling, giggling)
LC: "What?"
Jason: "What?"
LC: "What are you smiling at?"
Jason: "You."
LC: "Why?"
Jason: "Cuz you're so cute."
(ten second pause)
Jason: "Wanna go in the hot tub?"
LC: "Yeah."

If only I could have game like that, I would personally build a hot tub in my apartment. Is that all it takes to get a girl in a hot tub? That's it? Nothing else? Not asking her questions about her life? Not listening to her answers? Not asking her how her day was? Not talking about goals, and life, and the future? Just a couple of grunts and "you look cute's"? That's all? I'm going about it all wrong. Time to change things up. Grow facial hair, don't comb my hair, pick her up in an antique car, make sure 4 million people a week have already seen me hook up with half the school, then just ask if she wants to go in the hot tub. Can't wait to try that out on my next date. Whenever that may be.

-So yes, LC is going to have her own MTV reality show next season that chronicles her first job in L.A. working at "Teen Vogue". Can't wait for that one. And I'm sure Season 3 is going to be bringing back most of these characters when they go back home to Laguna to have bonfires and BBQ's and makeout sessions in someone's jacuzzi. I really don't think they can afford to give us a cast of seven or eight new high schoolers. Probably wouldn't sit well with die hard fans like myself. I need to see Kristin taking acting classes so she can have a one line part on a bad soap opera. I need to see Talan's new record deal that I'm SURE will be a major hit.

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