Sunday, November 27, 2005

THE FINAL FOUR OF MEDIOCRITY

APPRENTICE

-Couple weeks of shows to get caught up on and I'm throughly saddened that Clay is no longer with us. I liked him a lot and since our two main Thursday night reality shows both featured gay men, to see one of them go really hit me hard. Probably bothered Clay too. How pissed do you think he was that he no longer could hold that phallic symbol phone they have in the loft? Has to bother him. What kind of phone is that? I don't think I've ever seen something so ridiculous. Can't we do better than some four foot long banana shaped object? Other than Clay, I'm sure they were all annoyed by it.

-I've often complained about some of the ridiculous tasks these braindeads have had to do, but last weeks might've taken the cake. Writing a song for an artist? What makes any of these candidates worthy of writing music and how does this possibly pertain to working for Trump? And I'm sure these lifelong musicians were thrilled to death that Adam, the 23 year old virgin, was penning lyrics to a song he had to sing on a nationally syndicated program. Don't let those guys' enthusisam fool you. They were dreading every minute of those songs. The stripper, the virgin, and platinum blondie had about as much business writing lyrics as I do. What's with this being the SECOND music task of the season? Please don't let me ever see candidates singing, writing music, helping write music, or recording music ever again. Enough singing. Stick to your day job. Thank you very much.

-Did you notice Adam's job title is "Risk Manager"? Exactly what is that? That's a job? He gets paid for that? Paid to be "risky". Wow. Where do I sign up? I'm about the least riskiest person I know and even I would start taking risks if someone was going to pay me for it. Or does he just manage the people who take risks? He's not necessarily a risk taker himself, he just oversees all the risking that's going on and manages it? Like I said, he gets paid for this? Geesh.

-Can someone get Hop-a-long a walking boot or something? Two months and she still can't put any pressure on her ankle? Did she fracture it in twelve different places? If I remember correctly, all she did was fall down on the ice skating rink. The way they're treating it, it's like she's about to go in for a leg amputation. Unless this is all strategy and she's trying to play the sympathy card, someone please put her nice ass in a wheelchair or something. Now it's just become comical seeing her rabbit her way around the boardroom.

-This week's show was another beauty. I like when Trump is sitting in his limo arguing into the phone. "Do you understand me! I'm gonna sue you if I have to! Understand me!" How much are you willing to bet there wasn't a single soul on the other end of the phone? Either that or a producer was just feeding him his line through the phone. Donald is the greatest. Who wouldn't want to live this guy's life?

-Have you ever noticed that when Trump has the two teams standing there as he tells them their task, all the contestants have these big fake grins on their faces once they hear what their task is. Trump could say anything, they wouldn't care. "You are going to visit my horse stables in Greenwich, Connecticut. There you will meet one of the best horse trainers in all of America, Bob Baffert. The horse racing industry is a $400 quadrillion dollar industry. Your task will be to shovel the most manure in the span of eight hours. The winning team will win a nice reward hanging out with last year's winner, Kendra Todd, for dinner at Denny's. The losing team, unfortunately, will meet me in the boardroom where someone will be fired."

-I thought this week was honestly one of the better ideas for a task that any team has ever come up with. I have it on good authority, and you don't know how many people in my lifetime have told me how popular Shania Twain is in Spanish Harlem. They go bonkers for her over there. She's like a folk hero to those people. Nashville? Forget it. Spanish Harlem is, was, and will always be the country music capital of the world. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Brilliant move.

-And what a treat it must've been for Randall and Rebecca to sit one-on-one with Shania herself over dinner and listen to the words of wisdom she had to deliver. "Success comes from hard work." Why doesn't Shania have her own show? Can she be booked for motivational speaking seminars? "Success comes from hard work." I'm 30 years old, and if someone would've just given that knowledge to me about 15 years sooner, I'd be goin' places people. Thank you for showing me the light Shania. I owe you my life.

-Should he have dumped the virgin? Should he have dumped platinum blondie? I don't know. I don't care. Neither of them was going to win anyway. Adam sealed his fate when he was singing a couple episodes ago. Or revealed he's never been with a woman. Or it could've been his infatuation with posters on horse carriages. Either way, it was miracle he even lasted this long. He was like the Lydia of this season's "Apprentice".

-In almost four seasons of this show now, I noticed something this past week that happens every single episode that I haven't noticed before. You know when the fired contestant is headed out of the doors into the cab? Well, watch the doorman next time. He's facing towards the street with his back completely to whoevers about to walk through those doors, yet somehow, he knows to turn around and open the doors for them. Amazing isn't it? I hope he gets tipped extra for that.

The Apprentice Links

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