"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 1/16/06

-So I didn't watch the replay of last week's premiere with the extra footage of the girls getting ready and the like. Didn't think it was that important. Well, that and the fact it went up directly against "24". However, I did catch the tail end where we got to see bonus footage of Allie G., or Dr. Looney as we all know her. You know what's funny? If she doesn't make a complete horses' ass of herself, I guarantee they don't show that extra hour last night. I'm sure that makes her feel better. Geez. Talk about beating a dead horse into the ground. So for those who haven't heard, Allie G. has been making the rounds over the last week in a few different interviews saying, among other things, "that was not me." Now, she didn't come right out and blame the editing, she realizes she went overboard, but she did say it was blown out of proportion. She's even taken a lighter approach to the whole thing and started her own little website, www.drallieg.com, where she's going to make t-shirts off some of her now infamous phrases. So me, being the fair and balanced journalist that I am, I have already placed an email to her allowing her the opportunity to do an email interview with me, which I'd then post on the site, to have her explain her side of the story. I have yet to hear back from her. I suggest you do Allie. It would probably be for your own good. Anyway, on to last night....

-Immediately we begin with Host Chris introducing the ladies to their "French Country Manor" where they all begin giggling and screaming like little schoolgirls. Apparently they like it. With barely any time to settle in, he calls them back out to tell them there'll be two group dates and one individual date. Kristen, by virtue of receiving the last rose at the last ceremony, will be getting the first individual date. Apparently they forgot that anyone watched Charlie's season of the "Bachelor" because they explained everything over again how at each group and individual date, a rose will be given out. If you receive it, you stay. If it's individual and you don't receive one, you go home immediately. So Kristen and her giant jugs had a lot riding on her date. And her jugs failed her miserably. Along with her over-the-top personality. But let's not get ahead of ourselves yet.

-The first group date will be with Cole, Yvonne, Sara Tennessee, Elizabeth, and Jehan. Stork is pumped. Stork: "I've gone to medical school but there's no textbook on how you date five women in a foreign country." Medical school? Really? They hadn't mentioned that. Look, I'll tell you how you date five women in a foreign country. Take it from me, Mr. I've-never-even-been-to-Europe-yet-I-know-the-answer. How do you do it? The same way you date five women in America, except it's easier since they all know you're dating the other women. You whore yourself out to the highest bidder. And in highest bidder, of course I'm talking about the sluttiest one.

-As Storky and the ladies are driving to their destination on a rented out, double-decker bus stolen from "The Great Muppet Caper" which led Kermit and friends around town before landing them at the "Happiness Hotel", Dr. Travis decides to ask all the ladies a question: If there was one activity that you could not give up in your life, what would it be? Now, they only showed us two of the ladies' answers and I don't think either was the answer Travis was looking for. Jehan said she wouldn't give up either Yoga or riding a bike on the beach (yawn). Yvonne gave the expected, "I don't mean to sound superficial, but, like shopping." Thank you Yvonne. Be sure not to leave anything in the rooms when you leave and don't steal the towels. Could none of them figure out that the answer of "I could never give up sex" probably would've been equivalent to Gary Hogeboom finding the Immunity Idol on "Survivor: Guatemala"? Guess not. Trav says he could never give up camping and being one with nature or something, to which Sara Tennessee replied, "I would LOOOOVE to crawl in a tent with him." Now that's a good answer, but don't tell the camera that, tell Travis. Doofus.

-Commerical. Harrison Ford appearing in "Firewall" starting at a theatre near you sometime soon. This movie was good the first time I saw it when it was called "Clear and Present Danger". Or "Patriot Games". Or "Air Force One". No interest in seeing this. Good ol' Harry still trying to play an action star at the ripe old age of 60 just doesn't do it for me anymore. And he still has another "Indiana Jones" left in him? God help us. Exactly what will he be searching for in that movie? His memory? The cheapest buffet? Hey, is he still banging Calista Flockhart? Is she still 58 lbs? Is that not one of the odder Hollywood couples out there? We need more updates on that couple. I'm sick of hearing about TomKat and Brangelina. I need more pictures in "US Weekly" of Harrison and Calista walking their dog, or buying their groceries, or her sticking her finger in her mouth after lunch.

-On the group date, Cole tells DTS (that would be Dr. Travis Stork for those who haven't quite caught on yet) that she is ready for a committed relationship. Then she gives him a miniature rose. I don't really know what this signifies, but she topped it off with this beauty: "Every mother in the world would be excited if their daughter brought home a doctor". I'm glad to see that what he does and the money he makes is having absolutely no effect on these womens' desire for Travis. And what if he was a chiropractor? Would a mother then be as proud if their daughter brought home that poor excuse for a doctor? Didn't think so. I could be a chiropractor. You could be a chiropractor. I think all you need is a #2 pencil, a Scantron sheet, and no knowledge whatsoever of the human body.

-Back at the French Manor, Kristen and her rack are overly excited when the next package arrives at the door. Her individual date with T-Stork will have them cruising down the Seine river. I don't know if the Seine river has any importance to it, if it's romantic, if it's historic, if it's a complete dump, I have no idea. What I do know is Kristen cannot wait for this date to start, she's sooooo excited to be getting the first individual date of the season, and she's really looking forward to getting to know Travis better. And her rack is huge. Did I mention that?

-Back to our date, everyone is on top of the "Happiness Hotel" bus as they're travelling through the city. They finally get to their destination. It's some arch. No idea about this thing but if this arch were Ron Burgundy, I'm guessing it would say, "I'm kind of a big deal around here." The Storkman pulls Jehan aside for some alone time. Jehan tells us her passions are nature, church, and health. Translation: I like long, boring nature walks in my Birkenstocks and don't like shaving my legs more than once every five or six days. I'm a bible thumper so you better like being the first one at church on Sundays. And I really watch what I eat. Breakfast consists of a leaf, at lunch I eat a garden salad with light dressing and a water with lime, and for dinner I normally have chicken broth soup. Or something like that.

-Floored by what an adventurous exciting woman Jehan seems to be, Travis walks back in front of the other four girls, picks up the rose, and heads back to give it to Jehan. The rose, that is. He asks her if she would like to accept this wet, dying rose and of course she accepts saying she'll "never forget this moment." Neither will I. Seeing the looks on the other girls' faces was priceless when they realized that T-man was a big enough prick to not take carry the rose around with him, but rather leave it back where all the other ones were just so he rubbed it in a little bit more that they weren't receiving it. That was a good move. Very slick. And considering three women from this group of five were three of the four sent home on the night, I'm sure it stung even more. Keep it up, Trav.

-Commercial. With too many shows to watch last night, I missed all of the Golden Globes. Not that I really care who won after hearing Kiefer got hosed again for Best Actor in Drama, but I did hear about Isaac Mizrahi on the red carpet. Holy smokes. Tell me this guy didn't ask Teri Hatcher if she was wearing any panties? And tell me he didn't ask Eva Longoria if she had a bikini wax done? I mean, are you serious? And they didn't cut right to commercial and fire him right on the spot? Now don't get me wrong, I think most guys in America are applauding the fact we actually heard Teri tell us that she decided to commando last night, but how does he get away with that? I guess when you're name is Isaac Mizrahi and you're worth a gazillion dollars, you can say whatever you want. I need to see that on tape or something just for pure reaction from Teri and Eva.

-Storky's date with Kristen is up next and she's getting ready the only way she knows how: writing poetry. Oh, I knew this was gonna be good. Anyone in the history of reality television that has ever broken out the poetry on a date has fallen flat on their face. Except Ryan Sutter. Seemed to work for him in suckering in Trista. Maybe that's because women like poetry. Or so I'm told. Apparently someone forgot to tell Kristen that men could give a rat's ass about poetry. Really. We don't. Nice gesture, we know you took time to write it, but it does absolutely nothing for us. Hey, I'm here to help. Just being honest. Unless, however, it's a poem about the numerous dirty, naughty things you plan to do with us. Then we might listen. I mean, if you take the time to figure out words that rhyme with handcuffs, leather mask, and turkey baster.....uhhhhhhh, nevermind.

-So Kristen and Travis are cruising down the Seine river when she busts out the poetry:

Tonight is our first date, and being with you, I know it'll be great (I swear, I'm not making this up)
We're going cruising down the Seine river together, and after last night, I hope we have great weather (So far, it might possibly be the stupidest poem I've ever heard. Continue please...)
(At this point, Travis has just looked overboard and rolled his eyes. I think he was checking to see how far of a jump it would be. The guy's not even looking at her anymore)
So let's go have some fun and make sure to look up at the sky, because you never know which stars will make a twinkle in your eye......(And?..............)
We can start out first by holding hands, then if you play your cards right, I'll let you grope my cans......

Probably the only thing that could've saved her at that point would've been to utter that last line, but for some reason, she didn't. Wow. That was horrible. I kinda felt sorry for her, and I kinda almost suffered a head contusion when I fell to the floor laughing and almost hit the end table.

-To save us from that, they immediately bring us back to the house where the rest of the girls decide to spice things up a bit. Well, let's just say the producers told them, "Hey, ladies. Gather around the dinner table in your nighties and talk about sexual things. Go!" One of the girls asks the group, "What are your biggest turn ons?" And Susan blurts out first, "I love it when a guy's nipples get hard." (Gulp). Susan, just to let you know, it's 5:10am pacific time, I'm shirtless in my room, and my apartment's about 40 degrees right now. Hey, just throwing it out there. If you want it, take it. If you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

-The dirty talk continued when one of the girls says, "I love my hair being pulled." Then in unison, all the other girls scream out "Me too!!!" (Double gulp). I don't know who initially said she liked her hair being pulled, buy my guess is Moana. I mean, she does have that mysterious side to her and the giant tattoo across her back which we'll all see in full view next week in her bikini. By the way this conversation was going, I can see why they stopped the footage here. I'm sure if the cameras rolled any further, there is a slight chance that maybe, if even for a brief moment, we would've eventually seen someone with a strap-on drilling one of the other girls. Just a hunch.

-Back to reality, Kristen continues to try waaaaay too hard. At dinner, she cut up her orange, placed the peel in her mouth shaped as teeth, and tried to carry on a conversation. And I guess this was supposed to be funny. Or not. I think I saw Travis make the check sign with his hand after this, but I could be mistaken. So needless to say, Kristen did not receive a rose and was sent back to the states to write more bad poetry. Her parting thoughts: "I scared the poor guy". Yeah, pretty much. At least you realized your mistake. You still have some dignity left. You didn't talk about your vulva, your ovaries, your rotting eggs, nor did you mention anything about conceiving a child while on the boat. Good luck in your future endeavors and I hope the three of you find a great guy in the near future. Bye now.

-Commercial. I just saw the local news promote the fact that "Brokeback Mountain" cleaned house I guess at the Golden Globes. I guess I will never understand the fascination with this movie since I have no intention of seeing it, but I don't think I'm alone in asking, "What straight male, who isn't being dragged to the theater by his girlfriend or wife, would possibly want to see that movie?" I guarantee if they could somehow do the research on the female-to-male ratio of people who've seen the movie, it might be 95-to-5 female. And you could flip that ratio if there was a movie made about two cowgirls that liked to hump each other. Well, maybe 85-to-15 male since women are more into the girl/girl thing then men are into the guy/guy thing. That's science, you know. I can't believe I just made my third "Anchorman" reference of the column. I guess it has to do with the fact HBO has it on at least 5 times a week now and I watch it everytime.

-The final group date has Model Jennifer, Horny Moana, Shiloh, Baked Tara, Nipple Susan, and Sarah Canada. A helicopter picks them up and flies them over Paris en route to a champagne tasting dungeon, or wherever the hell they were. That thing was a little creepy if you ask me. So he starts pulling the women aside for one-on-one time, and the first one he pulls away is Shiloh. Of course, for whatever reason, we know nothing about Shiloh, and right before they show their conversation, they cut back to Model Jennifer and Baked Sara dancing seductively. Not with each other though. Damn. So basically we still know nothing about Shiloh. Other than she was the one with the bright yellow dress last week. And she has a name no one has ever heard before. And that last week I thought she was attractive and this week I don't. I'm sure I'll be back to liking her again next week. I'm fickle like that. Just like a chick.

-Travis pulls Sarah Canada aside and they hit it off again before Travis turned into a pansy. Travis: "I really wanted to kiss her, but right now is not the time. I'm just not the kinda guy that wants to kiss a girl on a 6-on-1 date because that's just not something I'm comfortable with." Translation: Hey, anyone want to see "Brokeback Mountain" with me this weekend? Huh? What? You passed up a chance to kiss a girl you like when you were all alone with her? Man, that's disappointing. I understand you wanting to be a gentleman and all, but that doesn't make for good TV. I guess Guiney and Andy and Jesse's records are all safe with this girlie man around. We want to see records broken on this show. We don't need to see actual morals and values come into play. C'mon. It's the "Bachelor". In case you didn't know, "bachelor" in latin means "one who tries to doink anything with a pulse without being committed to any one person". I think.

-Before it's time to give out the rose, Baked Tara pulls Dr. T aside to slur a few words to him. Are the producers constantly feeding Tara some brownies or something? For the love of God, this chick is either drunk or high in every scene. And apparently T-Stork likes that. Travis: "You didn't need one-on-one time with me for me to know that you're awesome." Did he just call a girl "awesome"? I can't remember the last time I called ANYTHING "awesome", let alone a female. I should try that one. I set the over/under at four seconds before the girl walks the other way. Awesome? Is he in 4th grade? Another one I bet he wishes he had back. In somewhat of a surprise, he gives Awesomely Baked Tara the rose.

-Time for the women to get one final shot at him before he sends them packing, so Travis comes over for a little conversation, a little drinking, and a lot of flirting. Except for Horny Moana. She's up first. Horny One: "I'm the type of girl that'll stay in the back of the room. I don't need to run up and grab your attention, that's just not who I am." Translation: Hi, my name is Moana, I'm super horny, and this season I'll be playing the role of the girl who isn't like all the other girls, keeps to herself, is a freak in bed, and is suspect about the whole situation not knowing if I really want to be here because I have an ex back home that I haven't quite stopped sleeping with yet. Please cast me.

-Sarah Tennessee gets some alone time with Travis and proceeds to tell him she's always friends first with guys she's been in relationships with. Travis immediately questions how long that usually takes because, you know, he loves when a woman just stays friends with him. It's totally the perfect fit for him because it gives him a shoulder to cry on when he's having boyfriend problems. Hey, I know Travis is straight. I think. But for this episode, by passing up the opportunity to suck Sarah Canada's face off, let's just say he's a Jake Gyllenhaal fan. And oh yeah, Sarah Tennessee is worried she gave the wrong impression with her "friends first" remark. I wouldn't worry too much Sarah. Nothing puts out the vibe of "Man I want to jump you in a tent" more than the "I like being friends first" line. Good luck with that.

-Tonight is actually Nipple Susan's birthday, so Travis has a little something prepared for her. He brings her into his room, he has a birthday cake with candles, and he puts whip cream on his nipples for her to lick off. Ok, I made the last part up. But Nipple Susan is impressed. The Nipple: "From the moment I first saw you, it was like lightning struck my insides....Whenever you look at me, the world melts away." Wow. Deep stuff. If only Travis liked his lightning rod on the insides of someone, maybe that would've been more effective. Although, Travis almost became not gay right there on the bed as it looked like these two were about to kiss. That is, until Awesomely Baked Tara and Jehan (both girls with roses) come barging in half drunk to create havoc. T-Stork politely tells them to leave because he needs to spend more time with those who aren't safe from the rose ceremony. So he sends them off giggling with a piece of cake to boot. If that intrusion wasn't perfectly timed out by the producers, then I don't know what is. Couldn't have been more obvious. Of course, Tara might've actually been so blitzed, she did do that on her own.

-Sarah Canada gets one last time with Travis and tries to tongue rape him. Sarah Canada: "So you don't want to kiss me? What's the problem? Why not? Blah blah blah blah..." Travis: "It's still so early. I feel like I need to have restraint. And 'Brokeback Mountain' starts in 30 minutes.'" If this guy doesn't start groping and fondling and tonguing women next week, I demand a replacement "Bachelor" gets sent in. This is getting embarrassing. Travis, you're the freakin' bachelor. Start acting like one. You're supposed to make out with everyone. You're supposed to lie and break every girls heart but one. That's what they brought you on the show to do. You're really on the verge of getting your man card pulled if you don't suck it up and start whoreing yourself out. I did not invest time and sleep into this show to watch you carry on conversations and peck women on the cheek. Quit being such a Cruise.

-Rose ceremony time. I'm so pissed at Travis right now, I can't see straight. Jehan and Awesomely Baked Tara already are safe.

Horny Moana: actually said, "I don't know" when Travis asked her to accept the rose. Then said, "Just kidding". Ha ha. Real funny. Travis is in stitches.
Sarah Tennessee: you guys can be friends forever and live a life of cellibacy. I'm sure he'd love that.
Model Jennifer: and quite giggly tonight I might add. Probably downed a whole bottle of Chianti.
Sarah Canada: could still see the fumes coming out of her ears from not getting to suck on his tongue.
Shiloh:definitely going home next week.

"Ladies, Travis, this is the F.R.T. (final rose tonight). When you're ready." Oh I'm ready all right. If he doesn't give Susan this rose, I'm not watching the rest of the season.

Susan: guess I'm stuck watching.

-No meltdowns at the end of the show other than Cole freezing her ass off in the Paris cold and having the producers give her that blanked twelve sizes too small that they probably stole off the airplane. Cole is a Raiderette for those that don't know. So I'm guessing she can go back to banging Randy Moss or something while Travis plays tiddly-winks and tries to grow a penis the rest of the time he's here. You ain't missin' out Cole, don't worry. Until next week....

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