"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 1/30/06

-This week's episode is brought to you by the word "connection". That's "connect" as in "two people having an unbelievable amount of chemistry after only knowing each other for two weeks" and the suffix "-ion" is added to give it some level of importance. Wow. Travis was really pouring on the "connections" this week. He's really starting to become closer and closer as every week goes by. Yeah right. We're four episodes in, and this stud has kissed two girls? Is that an all-time low? Is he aware of this? Can we penalize him somehow for being such a wuss? It's nauseating really. Not to defend Moana at all, but I find it pretty ironic that all the girls are teaming up against her for not showing any emotion, when all the while Mr. Storky is about as exciting as a lamppost. And call me crazy, but I have a feeling he's not gonna change much before the end of the show. I think we're stuck here with Mr. Excitement and we should enjoy him as is. Wonderful. Thank god we're already at the final four. Has this gone quick or is it just me? Let's begin...

-This week there'll be two on-one-one dates and a group date. Here to choose Travis' one-on-one dates are two girls previously given the ol' heave ho, Shiloh and Jennifer. Didn't waste any time on that one. Glad they kept us in suspense for a whopping 45 seconds this week. I've barely sat down and gotten my pad and paper out. At least it wasn't Dork A and Dork B from last week. Don't know if they could've handled being around two females again without internally combusting in their pants. Do you think when they got back to the states, they gathered all their other dorky doctor friends and talked about women's boobies? My guess is hell yes.

-Shiloh and Jennifer each get time with the six remaining girls to grill them on why they should get a one-on-one date with Travis. So here's how they went after each one...

Wilbanks: They were concerned whether or not she saw herself with Travis. "Do you see yourself married to Travis?" Wilbanks: "Yeah, I actually do. We're kinda the same person." When all else fails, you can always go to the "We're-from-the-same-city" card. What's she supposed to say? "Nah, not really. I'm kinda just out here enjoying the countryside, drinking all the free alcohol on ABC's dime, and enjoying a free vacation." Dumb question.

MC Jehan: "When are you gonna stop playing it safe?" Translation: You better fight for your man or else one of these other ladies is gonna come in and swoop him away from you, and you're gonna end up getting dumped again just like your imported ex-husband did to you. Ok, so Shiloh and Jennifer didn't know that at this point, supposedly, but I'm sure that's what they were getting at. I think.

Sarah Canada: "Do you realize you're 10 years younger than him? Are you serious about this?" Canada: "That doesn't intimidate me. I'm usually so high around him, the last thing I'm concerned with is our age difference. Eh, roll me a blunt and pass me a Molson Ice."

Baked and Sauced Tara: This was the best interrogation yet. Very Jack Bauer-esque. I thought for a second they might take a knife to her head and threaten to cut her eyeballs out. "The three or four times you've been with Travis, you've been drunk." Hence the reason for the addition to her nickname. Tara's response? "Hey dude, I'm younger, I like to have a good time. So what if my lips are wrapped around the bottle more than they are on his lips. Can I take a shot off your stomach? Where's a lime?"

Susan: It was established immediately by both girls that Susan's goal is to move to L.A. to become an actress, so why should they think she's in it for the right reasons. I don't remember what she said, all I know is that Susan is extremely good looking, she wants to move to L.A. to act, she loves hard nipples on men and she can juggle balls with the best of them. If there isn't a part in "Saving Ryan's Privates 2" for her, then all hope is lost on her acting career.

Moana: They couldn't wait to get their hands on her. Not literally. Because then it would've had to switch channels over to HBO. And I would've started breathing heavy and talking dirty. "You've shown no real emotion since you've stepped foot in this house." And of course, right on cue, Moana turns on the waterworks. "You can't grasp what I'm feeling...I have intense things inside my head and heart." Sorry. Too late. Like these two haters were gonna give her a solo date with Travis after she stole him on the yacht.

-Travis is seen putting grapes in a picnic basket for his first solo date, which is with Jehan. Jennifer Wilbanks gets the other date. Gee, how coincidental? Of the six remaining girls, only Canada and the Juggler had already had solo dates and neither of them got another one. Yeah, I'm sure Jehan and Wilbanks' answers had everything to do with getting a solo date. It was probably more like, "Ok ladies, what we want you to do is make sure that you don't give another solo date to Sarah and Susan. And make sure you single out Moana to create a little more drama. And oh yeah, throw in that Tara's a drunk. Plus, Jehan's got a secret she needs to let out and Wilbanks' seems to be getting impatient with her lack of quality time with Travis'. We think she might cut her hair and flee soon. So give them the dates." Or something like that.

-Jehan's date is up first and they go grocery shopping in downtown before going on their picnic at the base of the Eiffel Tower. While Jehan is grabbing some baguettes and some disgusting french pastries I'm sure, Travis goes next door to the jewelry shop to make sure he gives her something memorable from the night it was established he didn't like her and was scared off by her previous marriage. Hey, it must be nice getting to walk around with ABC's credit card buying whatever you want, whenever you want. I'd say that's a pretty nice perk for agreeing to do the show after initially turning it down. So he buys her a necklace with an Eiffel Tower charm on it just to show how creative he can be. A date at the Eiffel Tower equals Eiffel Tower charm. This guy's good.

-Commercial. My local news informed that today is President Bush's State of the Union address. Good thing I watch the "Bachelor" or I never would've known that. It's not gonna cut into "American Idol" tonight is it? Ok, good. Priorities people. Hey, I'm not the only one considering way more people vote on who the next American Idol is than who our next president will be. Look, I would never begin to spout off anything political in this column. First and foremost because I realize that you can never win talking politics. Half the people will agree, and half will think you're an idiot. You can't win. I realize this. And also, I'll just keep my political views to myself. No need to bring them up. I'm really not that much of a political person anyway. I'm just curious about a few things here and there, like, September 11th happend in 2001. Today is January 31st, 2006 and Osama Bin Laden is still popping out videos every six months like he's 50 Cent. Hey, just making an observation. Let's move on.

-At their date, Jehan lowers the boom on Travis by telling him she was once married. "I was deceived...it all happened so fast....I was 25....he needed to stay in the country...." Needless to say, Travis was probably wanting that Eiffel Tower necklace back right about now. Perfect timing on her part. Hey, at least she waited til she got the jewelry before putting that on him. Go on girlfriend. Mmm hmmm. If I were her, I would've done the same thing. Of course, I wouldn't have married some guy so he could stay in the country either. I guess we have to take her word for it when she says she was deceived. I wanted more details on this marriage. How long did it last? What country was he from? Was it like when Ross married Emily just because he didn't want her moving back to England? C'mon Jehan. We need to know this stuff. You've pretty much killed any chance of staying on this show, but I understand you're need to tell him. Kinda hard to keep from a potential husband that, woops, you've already done this once.

-After that uplifting story, Travis takes her to the middle of the Eiffel Tower. I thought they were going to the top. But they only showed them taking the elevator halfway up, drinking wine, and overlooking Paris. Awwww...how cute. Travis: "Your story doesn't change how amazing and how beautiful I think you are." Translation: I'm absolutely floored you just told me you've been married so here are a couple compliments I have in my back pocket. Travis tells her he's not gonna give her a rose tonight, but would like her to stick around for the rose ceremony because he wants to still see the other girls again before making his decision. And oh yeah, he'd like to prolong her agony before dumping her. Jehan agrees. They get back in the elevator to head back down, the cables break, the elevator is hurling down the Tower, before Superman swoops in and saves them. Sorry. "Superman II" flashback. That was in honor of "Smallville's" 100th episode last week where Jonathan Kent checked out. And you all thought it'd be Lana. Psssshhhh.

-Time for the group date with Canada, the Juggling Nipple lady, Moana, and Piss Drunk Tara. They're all going bike riding since that's what Travis likes to do. And Travis is all about Travis. He does what he wants to do. And up to this point, that is refusing to kiss anyone. Boooooooooooooring. And since it's Paris and they're going bike riding, Travis sees this as a "Tour DAY France" type date. Nice French, pal. Does that mean the four women are going to dope up on anabolic steroids before getting on the bike? Travis: "I'm gonna base this next rose ceremony on what I'm feeling." Whew. Well thanks for that. And all this time I was thinking you were giving out roses based on Eenie-meenie-miney-mo. "Eenie-meenie-miney-mo, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, my mother says to pick the very best one and you are not going to be it. Susan? Uhhh...let me do that again." I can't remember the last time I ever decided anything by the always accurate Eenie-meenie method, yet I still knew all the words. What the hell does that mean? "Catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go?" Where do we come up with stuff? I'm guessing unless you're the Crocodile Hunter, you're probably never just gonna catch a tiger. And if you are so lucky to do so, it probably won't be by his toe. And chances are it's not going to holler, it's gonna swallow your head like it did to Roy.

-Travis shows off his bike riding skills in front of the ladies by riding no handed. And he has a bright flourescent green shirt on. Yeah, he really is a dork. So he decides a bike race between the four ladies will determine who gets a special surprise. On your mark, get set, go! And they're off! Wow. Some start for Sarah Canada. Has she ever been on a bike before. Let's just say that none of these ladies will ever be competing in any triathlons anytime soon. Tara had the lead for a while until the cops pulled her over for a DWB, Drunk While Biking. This allowed Moana to pull ahead and she won by two seconds over Tara. Yes, I had my stopwatch out. Susan and Canada were basically dilly dallying around in last place and didn't seemed to mind the show was almost over before they finished. Nice effort, ladies.

-Back at the house, Wilbanks answers the door the rollers still in her hair to get her giftbox. Her date will be at the Art District in Montmarte. Once again, I've never been to Paris so I have no idea about Montmarte. Other than when they're walking the streets, it will probably be packed with tons and tons of people who smell. That I'm sure of.

-After the bike race, they head back to some pool resort where we can get more bikini action, they can do chicken fights in the water, we can get another glimpse of Moana's giant back tattoo, and Travis can give her his special surprise. Dual massages for Travis and Moana. Travis: "Moana intrigues me. We have an intimate connection. It's gonna be really interesting to see where it goes." I'm just glad they showed these two getting massages face down. At this point, Travis really seemed to be getting into Moana and would've hated for the masseuse to ask him to roll over on his back. It's probably against some doctor's code to be pitching a tent on camera. So I understand why we didn't see that part. But we did get to see the side of Moana's breast for a good few minutes. That's always exciting. Don't know if Travis even looked, but we all enjoyed it.

-The other three catty girls are in the pool behind them and with the underwater window, are looking in at these two getting massages from behind. I wonder how much they enjoyed looking up Travis and Moana's backyard. Susan: "Nobody in the house likes her, but he does." The rest of the show essentially became a "We hate Moana" campaign. Why do they hate her? Who knows? Women hate women for the stupidest reasons. Again, I'm not defending Moana because she certainly is the most aloof of the six, but geez, this got a little old. Or maybe it's just that every season, there's one girl that no one likes, they all gang up on her, that girl starts crying, and the guy eventually keeps her around longer than he should, it seems, just because of that fact. For once, I want the guy to side with the group that hates the other girl. "You know what Moana, none of the girls like you, so, I don't like you either. I think that's fair."

-Commercial. Tomorrow on DVD, "In Her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette comes out. I only bring this up because, yes, I got dragged into this movie when it was in theatres. I'm not going into details, but let's just say the girl I went with was having boyfriend problems and I played the role of the gay friend that night. Remind me to punch myself in the nuts if I ever do that again. Anyway, the movie was a total chick flick, Cameron Diaz remains the most overrated and over hyped actress in all of Hollywood, and I must've commented about 10 times during the movie about how much I was disturbed by Toni Collette's teeth. I had never seen a woman, or man for that matter, in such a prominent role in a movie with that bad of teeth. I was literally bothered the whole time that she was cast in that role because I seriously could not look at her for more than two seconds without saying, "Those are the worst teeth I've ever seen on screen." Just watch the movie. You'll see. Are there dentists in England, or wherever she's from?

-So Travis and Wilbanks' date begins as they walk the smelly streets of Paris. Travis: "How do you feel about getting Ooooon Portrait." Travis, just stop trying with the French accent. It's terrible. So Doctor Emmett Brown makes a portrait of these two and it sucks. Like portraits done by anyone on a street have ever looked like what they're supposed to look like. But once again, it was on ABC's dime and they probably threw it in the trash as soon as they walked away, so what do they care?

-Back at the house, the "Kill Moana" club meeting is now in session. All members of the committee are in attendance and start speaking freely. "How does he like Moana? She's emotionally unstable, unhappy, depressed, and then just...strange." Of course the whole time, Moana is conveniently standing right outside the door listening to everything. I'm sure that was pure coincidence too. Not like the producers woke her up from her nap and said, "Hey, wake up. The girls are talking about you. This'll make for good TV. Go down there and eavesdrop." So Moana goes down in a white, wife beater tank top and her little black shorts with a phrase on the back. Now, initially I thought they might have been "Juicy" shorts being that's the thing all females seem to wear nowadays, but I went slo-mo on the Tivo and realized it didn't say "Juicy". If you look carefully, it's only for a quick second, you can see the words "Enter Here" on the back of her shorts.

-One of the girls says, "If she gets picked as one of the four, I'll vomit." That brings Moana to her breaking point. She comes out, tells the girls she's been listening the whole time, then starts crying again. "Pardon me for having a heart. Pardon me for having feelings." Then she accuses Divorced Jehan of never walking in her shoes or something and leaves. Still crying. Moana is hurt by all of this. The other girls don't care. And neither do I at this point. It's all just silliness now. Silly, silly, silly. You're not here for the right reasons, you don't really like him, you have an ex-husband, you're too young, you want to be an actress, you're a drunk, gee, is anyone there who doesn't have some sort of issues? Oh yeah, the one on the solo date right now. Hmmmm....

-So as the bickering was going on back at the house, apparently Travis was having the time of his life with Wilbanks. I mean, he could not stop gushing about how much he liked her. "The first night I met you...you're sure pure and so true and this is who you are....I have no concerns at all about your character...I love the fact you're a kindergarten teacher...." Huh? Where did this all come from? She hasn't said a word to him all night? Wait. There's more. "You have so far surpassed my expectations....I think you do have to go home...but I'd like you to take me with you." And with that, he gives her a rose and might as well have gotten on one knee. How Wilbanks went from last place to first place in a matter of one date where: 1) they didn't make out 2) she didn't speak and 3) they had a horrible picture drawn of them, I have no idea. Talk about a show that did a complete 180. I have no idea where that came from, but I think we just found our winner. I mean, just use process of elimination with the last four and I think it's safe to say she has the least baggage of the remaining women.

-Before the final rose ceremony, Travis stops by the women's house that morning for one final time with them. Of course, he rode his bike there with his helmet on to show us how outdoors-y he is. He pulls a few girls aside to get some alone time with them. Sarah Canada is first. He just assures her he still likes her and she tells us she's "still feeling giddy when I think of him. He makes me want to have sex with him on 'E'." Ok, she didn't say that. But it's what she was thinking.

-He tells Divorced Jehan that he really appreciates her for staying and sticking it out until the rose ceremony even though his mind was already made up at the Eiffel Tower when she dropped the divorced bomb on him. Jehan informs him she just stuck around for the free alcohol and to run up a bigger tab for ABC.

-Moana of course is being Mrs. Aloof McDepressing and sitting by herself writing in her journal to grab his attention. He comes in to see her, she explains to him that none of the other girls will let her play in their reindeer games, and she doesn't like that her nose lights up red. And she starts crying. For a third time this show. Geez. What a rough episode. Imagine if she wasn't actually forcing herself to cry?

-As they headed to commercial, we got some disturbing news. They ran that ad for "If you'd like to nominate someone to be our next Bachelor or Bachelorette, call this number." Huh? This isn't the last season? Please tell me they're doing this as a safety net just in case ABC decides to pick it up again for next season. Are you serious? Another season? For who? For what? What could they possibly do to top this snoozefest? A virgin Bachelor with 25 virgin Bachelorettes chasing after him? That'll be a hoot. I don't know what else this show could possibly have to show us.

-Time for the rose ceremony, and Host Chris informs us that there are three roses for the five of them remaining since Wilbanks already has a rose. That means two of them will be on a plane tonight back to the states. Captain Obvious is in rare form tonight. But before he begins, Travis easily gives the longest speech in "Bachelor" history. Holy smokes. Travis: "What I've discovered is that each of you is beautiful on the inside and out. And each of you is beautiful in your own unique and special way. And that's why I feel so blessed to have met all of you.....And you're all beautiful as beautiful can be because you're beauty is so beautiful which makes everything in life so beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite animated movie. Beauty and the Geek is on this Thursday night."

Sarah Canada: Refill that bong water people, Travis is coming to Winnipeg.
Susan: Her left breast was not falling out of her dress this week although it will be on her first acting gig in L.A.

Host Chris: "L.T., T.I.T.F.R.T."

Crying Moana: I can't wait to see the family that spawned this Mrs. Happy.

-Jehan is upset. She feels that if she hadn't mentioned she was married before, she would've gotten a rose. And she would've been right. Unfortunately, that's the way the cookie crumbles when you walk down the aisle when you're 25 with some guy just to keep him in the states. Tough luck.

-Tara is stunned, shocked, upset, high, drunk, and probably about to puke. But not before she gave Travis some parting advice. "Just watch out for someone that's fooling you. You deserve someone amazing. Someone here is trying to fool with your head.....I'm going to go hit the chronic and head back to San Diego to party my ass off. Have fun with boring Sarah from Nashville."

-So next week is the hometown dates which is always good for a few laughs. Inevitably, some parent will either embarrass themselves or embarrass their child and we'll be talking about them forever. I'm still trying to figure out who was the most embarrassing parent or family in Bachelor/ette history. Two that come to mind are Lanny's mother from Meredith's season, or, Krisily's horny old grandma from Charlie's season. I'm probably missing a few, but those were the ones that stuck out to me. And we do get to see Wilbanks' kindergarten class next week too. Wow. She stooped that low huh. Using her cute little kindergarteners to woo in Travis. Is that fair? Should that be allowed? And you expect him to dump her after that? Unless Travis kills puppies in his spare time, she's getting another rose. And another one. And then the final one. Done deal. Until next week...

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