"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 1/9/06

-I'm ecstatic to be back. Really. I am. Seven and half months without the "Bachelor" was like, ummmmm, well, uhhhh, let's just say it was really difficult to not have this show cut into my sleeping pattern. But hey, it's back and we should all be thankful. I think. I mean, let's at least be thankful that, so far, Travis seems rather normal. Doesn't come across as a player. Doesn't come across as an egomaniac. And actually comes across pretty humble knowing he could've laid twenty-five women in one night if he wanted to. But that's neither here nor there. Let's also remember though that most of the "Bachelors" came across well on the first night. Except Charlie who was a complete goofball. But if I find out Travis is banging every nurse he works with in the ER, I'll be disappointed. Don't let me down, Stork. I'm counting on you. Onto last night...

-I love how they opened the show by giving us clips of the previous "Bachelors" and "Bachelorettes". I think that was for comedic value. I mean, who didn't get a good chuckle out of Estella weeping hysterically as she's hugging Bob? Were they even a couple? Does that count? They lasted like a few hours, didn't they? And I'm sure Guiney was furious they never actually showed his face in the opening montage. Probably picked up his Emmy from "The Scorned" and hurled it at the TV. Don't think that slip by ABC wasn't done on purpose either. Remember Guiney, ABC hates you and rightfully. And oh yeah, so does Estella. And everyone else who watched your season. How you landed Rebecca Budig is beyond me.

-They did show us a quick clip of Byron and Mary announcing they'll be getting married in November. Sweet. That means only eleven more months for something to possibly go wrong. I can already see one reason why Mary should leave him. That big, bushy beard he grew. Yucko the clown on that one. C'mon Byron. If the long greasy hair wasn't enough, now we get a beard? I've never understood why any woman would think facial hair is something they would want rubbing up against their face the rest of their life. If I don't shave for 48 hours, I feel scummy. Isn't that bothersome? Doesn't it tickle? Isn't it annoying? Just seems to me that rough stubble scratching against my face for the next 25 years would get real old, real fast. I'll never understand that. Definitely not the last thing I don't understand about women.

-Host Chris is looking dapper these days. Has he looked any different from season one until now? Does the guy gain any weight? Does he ever change his hairstyle? Has he gotten any older? He's amazing to me. He's like a younger Dick Clark...without the speech impediment. Hey now, I'm just saying. As much as we all like Dick, that was painful to watch on New Year's Eve. Congrats to him for beating a stroke, sort of, but was he really ready to come back to television? I say no and we'll leave it at that. Anyway, Host Chris wants us to know that in this the eighth season of the "Bachelor", they have chosen "the best Bachelor ever". Great. Then why the hell did I waste my time watching the previous seven? And isn't that a slap in the face to such gentleman like Aaron Buerge? Jesse Palmer? Andy Firestone? That first Bachelor? You know, the gay one? I find it insulting they're already jumping to conclusions telling us Travis is the best one yet. How about we watch the show first then make our determination?

-They're going to play up Travis being a doctor so much this season, I wouldn't be surprised if by the finale he's walking on water and leading the remaining ladies through the desert wearing a white robe and carrying a staff. Ok. We get it. He's an ER doctor. He's a good samaritan. He saved that one ladies life who's forever thankful to him. Doesn't mean he makes a good lover. Or boyfriend. Or husband. Ol' Trav has a hell of a lot to live up to this season all things considered. Oh boy, they're starting already. "As an ER, Travis has handled many hearts in his hand. Let's see if he can handle twenty-five at one time." Good lord. Stop already. This is nauseating. And this is just the first episode. Let's start a poll right now: Name the episode one of the girls says, "I can't wait for Travis to give me CPR". You know its coming. And that's when I'll projectile vomit on my couch.

-I applaud ABC for making the first show only an hour. Not only for selfish reasons, but they really don't need to drag the first episode out to two hours. Not necessary. Let us meet all the girls, let Travis talk to them for a little bit, and then let him boot half of them on the first night based purely on looks. I like that idea. Because let's be honest, how could he possibly know which twelve are right for him after only one night? He kept the hotties, dumped the fugly ones, and we're on to episode two. Here are the ones that made an impression on me as they came out the limo:

Susan: First one out of the limo. One of the more attractive girls on the show. And was very pink in what she wore. Me likey.
Cortney: Came with the, "Hello Prince Charming..." Ugh. Go home. I would've told her to make an immediate U-turn and get right back in that limo. But that's just me.
April: Her shoe fell off as she was walking towards him, and she had a ridiculous giant necklace that hung down past her cleavage. Ug-lee.
Jehan: Travis: "Pronounce that again?" Jehan: "Je-HAN". Travis: "That's a beautiful name." Sure it is. Only because you couldn't say, "What the hell kinda name is that?"
Jennifer: She's a model. Wore a blue dress. Very attractive. She'll stick around just on looks alone.
Princess: The token black girl. And had a great answer for Travis when he asked, "Who named you?" Princess: "My mother." Bet Travis wishes he had that one back. Ouch.

-Before they break for commerical, I've noticed something about the first fifteen girls, and it'll probably go for the next ten as well. Travis is 6'5". He towers over every single one of them which is making for some really awkward hugging going on. There really is no smooth way for a 6'5" guy to hug someone 5'4" is there? Just looks like he's devouring them. And Travis seems to be giving a lot of women the shake-with-the-right-hand-then-hug-with-my-left-arm move. That's how guys usually hug each other. What's he doing?

-Commerical. There's now a feminine product (or at least this was the first time I saw the commercial) called E.P.T. Certainty. This is the same little stick that tells you whether or not you're pregnant, but, instead of giving you the blue or pink or whatever colors it is to signify what you are, this one spells out for you "pregnant" or "not pregnant" right there on the stick. Hold on a second. Were that many women so completely thrown off by the color coding system that this needed to be changed? "Pregnant" or "Not pregnant"? Are you kidding me? If we're gonna start giving lectures on these sticks, might as well add a few other options. I think the stick should have four choices on it: "Pregnant", "Not Pregnant", "Ever Thought About Birth Control?", and "How About Closing Your Legs For Once, Huh?" I think that should do the trick. That message would be loud and clear.

-Back to the other women who made an immediate impression out of the limo:

Sarah from Nashville: I mean, both of them almost climaxed when they realized they were both from Nashville. She'll be around a while.
Yvonne: Came across very Valley Girl-ish. I don't like her already.
Shiloh: Very yellow-y. And very good looking I thought. And a name I've never heard of in my life.
Allie the Looney Bin: We should've known right from the start this would be our resident kook when her whole introduction was in French. And the fact she was 4'2" probably didn't help her cause either.

-Travis is ready to go inside and mingle. But first Host Chris tells him he has one red rose waiting for him at the top of the steps who he will give to one lucky lady tonight that automatically keeps her for the next round. This is new trend they've started. I think they've done this the last two or three editions. Yet Travis seemed completely taken aback by this and acted like he didn't know it was coming. Of course you did. Don't you watch the "Bachelor" Travis? I know you're busy saving lives and all, but don't you have TiVo? Don't you know how this show works? Quit playing dumb. You're ruining it for all the women who love you so far.

-Jennifer the model in the blue dress gives her first impression of Travis. Jennifer: "He's ridiculously gorgeous. I think we'll make hot little babies." Too much Samantha from "Sex in the City" in her. Or is this something else I'm completely wrong about with women? I mean, do women actually say within a couple hours of meeting a guy what they think they're kids would look like? Hey, I'm no Dr. Travis Stork by any means, but still I'm guessing no one has ever walked away after meeting me the first time and was talking about our hot little babies. That seems a bit too crass. Hell, on occasion believe it or not, I can be a pig, and I know I've never uttered that. But then again, we aren't thinking children within a hour of meeting you either. We're thinking more along the lines of "If I were to conceive a child with this person, how many times would it take and what position would it be in?" Or something like that.

-Travis tells one of the groups of women he's talking with that he's a doctor. Now, if you listened very closely (I rewound it a couple times on TiVo), and if you paid real close attention, right after Travis told the women this, you could hear the "Cha-ching! Cha-ching!" noise going off in all the women's heads. One of the women even said, "I can't believe this is happening to me!" Yeah, she's not in it for his money. What exactly is happening to you? So his job and what he does and all the money he makes is that important to you? Shocker. Never thought I'd hear a woman utter that.

-It is during the meet and greet do we get our first real good glimpse at Allie the Looney Bin. Allie, take it away. Allie: "I'm definitely here to find my husband. Hopefully the bachelor will be that guy, because quite frankly, my eggs are rotting." Did we really need that visual? For christ sakes, we're less than 45 minutes into the first show and already we have our first bimbo talking about children, and her fallopian tubes, and her rotting eggs. Why stop there? Give us the whole rundown on how your body is completely breaking down with the lack of sex you're getting and men not impregnating you. Please, enlighten us. I mean geez. If you're that hard up, just go become an NBA groupie. You'll have a bun in the oven in no time. Especially if you hang outside the Laker locker room long enough. He wears #8, likes white women, and name rhymes with "adobe". Just remember to keep the backdoor open. You'll get him.

-Tara the redheaded retail sales rep from San Diego was either high or drunk. Or both. Or she could've been just really ditzy. Whatever the case, Travis seemed very intrigued by someone 10 years his junior (is that the right word?), probably works at Nordstrom's, is probably one year removed from her sorority life at San Diego St., and is "like totally, totally looking for someone that'll like totally take care of her". I'm sorry. I don't mean to pigeonhole Tara like that. I really don't. Well....yes I do. She's cute though. Does that help? If your name is Tara, you're a redhead, you're 23, you're in retail sales, and you're from San Diego, are you sure you want to be on this show? Shouldn't you be at the Gaslamp District getting hit on by drunk guys?

-Moana is from Los Angeles and was impressed by Travis. Moana: "He asked me a question and kinda seemed like he was actually interested in the answer." Uhhhh, no he wasn't. He was just pretending. In all honesty, the only answer we really want to know is whether or not sex is happening. And we only want to know the answer if the answer is "Hell yes." Sorry to burst your bubble.

-A few of the women did not know what the red rose meant that was placed in the middle of the room. Apparently they've never watched the "Bachelor" either. Well, let's try and put two and two together here ladies. At a rose ceremony, if you receive a red rose, that means Dr. Stork would like you to stay on this wonderful journey of his. So, if there's one red rose laying out there, and we're close to rose ceremony time, I'm guessing it means one lucky lady....excuse me....one good looking lucky lady, will receive that rose thus making her exempt from getting eliminated on the first night. They chose some bright ones this season, huh?

-Ladies and gentlemen, Allie the Whack Job is at it again as she corners Travis to let him in on her inner organs. Allie: "I want to move on to the reproductive phase of my life." Well, usually that consists of having a male partner. Or a donor. Or some petri dishes. If Allie could've possibly been more forward, she just might have very well raped Travis right there in the chateau. Good God woman. Control your estrogen. Your rotting eggs can wait a bit longer. The best part about Allie is you know it took ABC about four seconds to cast her on this show. I can only imagine what this chick was like during the interview process. Did you see the extra footage at the end of the show where she was complaining to the camera guy? Even he was probably frightened by her. Hell, wouldn't you be?

-Sarah B. from Canada seems to have what Travis likes. Sarah B.: "I love camping." Travis: "I love women who camp." Sarah B.: "Yeah? Wicked." Since when is "wicked" a Canadian phrase? That's Boston, isn't it? Canadiens just say "Ehh" and "Hoser" I thought? Anything that's "wicked" something is straight outta Massachusetts and nowhere else. I think Sarah B. could get her ass kicked soon if some Boston natives watched the show and find her guilty of Hometown Phrase Infringement. That's a serious crime. Watch yourself young lady. Whatever the case, the hoser got the red rose so she stays.

-Time for the rose ceremony, and Travis must send thirteen of the 25 women home. For those scoring at home, that's more than half. And a first in "Bachelor" history. Thank you Chris. What would we do without you? The women Travis kept around are:

Cole, Moana, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Shiloh, Yvonne, Jehan, Susan, Tara, Sarah from Tennessee, ("Ladies, Travis, this is the final rose tonight. When you're ready." Seven and a half months I've waited for Chris to say that. He didn't disappoint), and Kristen.

-We don't know enough about these ladies just yet, but I'm sure we will soon. Although, after the ceremony, Cuckoo girl went bonkers again. Allie, the floor is all yours. Here is what came spouting out of her mouth: (I broke it up into parts)...

"I dedicated my life towards my career, and he doesn't choose that. Just like every other man that I know. It's a double edged sword. It's a double edged sword." Yeah, we heard you the first time. This woman really needs to be fitted for a straight jacket.

"The reason I came on this show is because the conventional methods aren't working. Internet dating, blind dating, dating services, I've tried all of that." And none of it has worked, huh? Really? I can't see why. Maybe you've just been meeting the wrong types of guys. Hey, maybe these men don't see the beauty and uniqueness inside of you and it's their loss. Or then again, maybe they could see within five minutes the complete f***in lunatic you are and they went running for the hills.

Allie confronts Travis. "Why didn't you choose me? You don't find me attractive? I'm too short? I have small boobs? What?" You do not know how badly I wanted Travis to answer, "Yes. Yes. And yes." But he didn't. He was nice about the whole thing. Well, as nice as you could be to a troll with rotting eggs who's on a time crunch to deliver a child. Do you think once Allie does get pregnant (God help us) she'll induce labor in like the second trimester just to speed things up? Allie: "Doctor! I need to have this baby now!" Doctor: "Uhhh, Allie, this child hasn't even developed its sex organs yet. We don't even know if...." Allie: "Do it now! I've got to have me some children before I explode!"

Last, but certainly not least. "Travis is intimidated by a professional woman. Maybe I just won't date anymore." Ummm, is that a threat or a promise? There have been some good meltdowns in the past. But no one quite takes the cake like Allie the Ridiculous Psycho Woman who flipped out on the first night. Made the show very entertaining and made my job a hell of a lot easier. Thanks Allie. We'll miss ya'. Until next week....

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