"THE BACHELOR" FINALE RECAP - 2/27/06
-Usually for the finale, I don’t do a normal column. Especially when it’s two hours, a lot of it is recapping previous dates and what not, and frankly, I just don’t give a damn anymore and I’m glad it’s over. No different this year. So considering I fast forwarded through all commercials, and even fast forwarded through some parts of the show, I saw enough of last night to get the gist of what happened. One question: Is Moana still crying? Holy Christ. Someone get her a box of Kleenex. Or twenty. Now, I am not one to trample on someone else’s emotions because God knows I’ve had my heart broken before, and recently nonetheless, but geez. Moana was by far the most devastated loser we’ve ever had in the finals of this show. Just when I thought they’d cut away from her screaming her head off in the limo, they kept showing more. And not that him picking Sarah was some shocking revelation either. Moana couldn’t have said it any better in between sniffles when she was in the limo. “The good girls always win. Guys like him don’t go for girls like me.“ Yep. Pretty dead on with that assessment. So anyway, here’s a condensed version of what happened last night….
-You know it’s gonna be a long show when they spend seven minutes recapping Sarah and Moana’s journey throughout this whole mess and THEN go to a commercial break. It was 9:12 before we got any original footage. They do that for every two hour finale. And it sucks. It’s just basically screaming out, “Yeah, we’ve got 120 minutes to kill so get used to it. We’re gonna show a lot of stuff we already have, we’re gonna go to commercial every five minutes, and we’re gonna do everything in our power to try and keep you in front of your t.v. for the entire night, when in reality, all you really need to see is the last 15 minutes.” But if you’ve never watched the “Bachelor” until this season, just know that they’ve done that for the ten seasons previous.
-The only difference this season is that Travis’ family came out to Paris to meet the girls and it wasn’t them going back to his hometown. So Travis’ Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and two nieces arrive. Pretty normal family it seems like. Mom’s hair is like she either just got electrocuted, or she has on a big, giant pair of Bose earphones on under her hair. Mushroom Head let’s call her for the time being. His sister is excited (no, I didn’t bother writing down family member names. Sorry): “It’ll be very interesting to see the final two girls that Travis has choosen”. Yes, I rewound it three times. She did say “choosen” instead of “chosen”. Unless she said “chosen” with a southern drawl that made it sound like “choosen”. If that were the case, then I apologize sister of Travis for which I don’t know your name. But I think you said “choosen”, and that makes no grammatical sense whatsoever.
-Travis, Sarah, sis, bro-in-law and nieces go to an indoor park somewhere in Paris. And wouldn’t you know, once Sarah got to meet his two cute little nieces, she had to break it out. Yes my friends, it’s the return of the Tootie-tot game. Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!! And I hope that song runs through your head all day today like it already is mine. That is until I forcefully slam my head against the side of my desk at work to get rid of the pain the song is causing me. Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!! I could sing that for days. Such a fun game to play. Does Sarah actually teach her students or does she just play this game all day? And, ummm, what exactly is the point of Tootie-tot? Is it an exercise? Are they learning something? Frankly, I used to play every lame children’s game known to mankind growing up and I’ve never heard of that in my life. Must be a southern thang. I’m going to play it with my niece next time I babysit. I’m sure Olivia Rose will think Uncle Stephen is nuts Tootie-totting around the living room like a jackass. Like she’ll even want to play that game anyway. If it’s not Baby Einstein or Sesame Street, she doesn’t care. And she thinks her name is “Eeee-I-Eeee-I-Oh” from the Old MacDonald song. That’s another story.
-Wasn’t really much to report from Sarah’s dinner with the family other than they all loved her. She told the mom and dad she was really into their son, could see herself with him, and that he’s made such an impact on her life. Basically, she said everything that Moana couldn’t. So the parents liked her, she left, and her and Travis kissed some more. However, even though I knew four weeks ago he’d be picking Sarah, I still noticed these two did not use a lot of tongue, if any, when they kissed. If you were base who he picked in this thing by going off how much saliva he put into each one’s mouth, Moana would be your hands down winner. He has no problem thrusting his tongue down her esophagus, but with Sarah, they’re like little woodpeckers with each other. Kind of annoying. Yeah, guess that’s why she got a ring on a necklace as opposed to on her finger. More on that later.
-So Moana’s date is up and sis, bro-in-law, and nieces meet her at a park. Apparently it’s cold since Travis has his favorite wool cap on and Moana’s dressed like America’s whiniest Eskimo. Immediately sis’ pulls Moana aside, Moana tells her she never expected any of this, she came here with no expectations, blah blah blah, and she starts crying. One of a hundred instances this episode where Moana lost control of herself. It was almost too much like that was her way of luring in the family. So on to the brother-in-law, he asks her about her living situation and if she’d be willing to move. She says, “I’m pretty flexible”. So we can guess. Probably the least shocking thing she’s said all season. Flexibility plays a huge role with most guys. Well, most guys except Travis that is. He’s more into whether or not you’ve mastered the art of “Tootie-tot”. What was that? You want to hear it again? “Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!” And oh yeah, Travis’ niece drew a picture of each girl and circled Moana’s face because that’s who he wanted her to choose. Which pretty much was the kiss of death. Nothing like being 5 years old and being embarrassed on national television. Nice going kiddo’. Way to pick the wrong girl.
-Moanas’ meeting with Travis’ family was interesting to say the least. Uhhhh, yeah. They didn’t like her. Travis’ bro-in-law asks, “So why do you and Travis make a good couple?” Moana: “I’m sorry. It’s just not my character to answer that.” Good one, Moana. Way to earn points with the family. They totally want you in their family now. So sis’ follows up with, “So what’s the connection?” After what seemed like 10 minutes of crying, then silence, then thinking, Moana came up with some B.S. answer of “he just gets me.” So if 0-for-2 wasn’t good enough for Moana, she followed it up with another stellar performance from the parents. They pull her aside and dad hits her right across the face with, “I’m having a hard time understanding why you are attracted to our son?” After breaking out the tears yet again, Moana comes back with basically the same answer about no one in this universe can apparently understand her and Travis’ connection and that she can’t explain in words other than Travis “rocked her to the core.” Or maybe he “cocked her to the roar.” Whatever the case, Moana lets the cat out of the bag. Travis has officially rocked her core. With his c*** I’m assuming. I don’t know. I’m just as confused as the rest of you.
-So as Moana is in with the parents digging her own grave, Travis, sis’, and bro-in-law are sitting around the table gossiping about her. Bro-in-law leans over to wifey and says, “Makes you realize how much you like Sarah after this”. Oooooohhhhh. Ouch. Good thing Moana wasn’t around to hear that. She might’ve just up and killed him. I really wish Moana would’ve used her eavesdropping skills here like she did on the girls back at the house. You know, where she’s in the short shorts, the wife beater tank top, the glasses, the no-make up look and she’s berating Jehan for calling her a fake. If only she would’ve been around the corner for bro-in-law’s comment. I’m sure that would’ve made her feel really special and less insecure than she already is. Ummmm, in case you haven’t noticed since the first episode this season, Moana’s got some serious emotional issues. How anyone thought she would win is beyond me. I’m still shocked she got this far. But that’s what the biggest rack and horniest chick in the house will get you.
-Travis reiterates to us and to his family his feelings about Moana. “I have a connection with Moana that only her and I understand.” Well, that’s apparent since she can’t explain it at all and that’s your best explanation. And when two people who have such a strong connection and bond like these two still can’t muster the words to explain their feelings for each other, that can only mean one thing. There is no connection. So really there’s not much you can say after that. Well, except “Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!” I really think that “Tootie-tot” should replace “Hakuna Mattata” in our English language. So from now on, anyone who uses the phrase “Hakuna Mattata” around you, try and convert them to “Tootie-tot”. Trust me. It’ll catch on. But I need all of America’s help on this. Well, all of America that reads this column. Spread the word.
-So Sarah’s mom and Moana’s step mom arrive in Paris to go dress and ring shopping with their daughters. Boy, was it just me, or did each of them try on some really hideous dresses? Yucko the clown was definitely the call on some of those gowns they tried on. Wow. Who the hell would wear that to their possible engagement? Sarah’s mom is an interesting character. You know, with a little research, I would not be surprised to find out if Sarah’s mom is also Chris Harrison’s mom. She really likes telling us a lot of things we already know. “You know, this is the last chance you’ll get to see him tonight before the rose ceremony”, “He’s a doctor, you know”, “Tomorrow’s your last rose ceremony”. On and on and on this lady went. “You know, that’s a green dress you have on”, “You realize you’re in Paris, right?”, “Travis is a very tall man”, “If you and Travis get married, you’ll be a doctor’s wife”. Thanks lady. You’ve really cleared a lot of things up for me.
-On Sarahs late date with Travis they played tennis. And she was horrible. And Travis told her she did good. Please. It’s not right to begin your relationship by lying. She wasn’t good Travis. For Christ sakes, the object in tennis is to hit the ball back to the person that hit it to you. She was either hitting it backwards or missing. Stick to “Tootie-tot” woman. So Sarah tells Travis they’re going to order take-out and take it back to this cottage that she found. Uh, wrong. The producers found the cottage and said, “Your last night with Travis will be here”, and you agreed. Quit making it seem like you strolled the streets of Paris late at night trying to find a place where you and Travis could peck each other all night long. It was handpicked and you had no choice. Sometimes my intelligence feels insulted when I watch this show. Which can obviously explain why we’re eleven seasons in and I’ve written a column on every single episode for the last nine of them. Oh God. I’m going to “Tootie-tot” right off my balcony.
-So Travis and Sarah eat dinner then she goes and lays down on top of him. She tells him for the millionth time how perfect he is for her and how glad she is to have met him, and zzzzzzzzzzz. Yes, Travis has fallen asleep. Well, sort of. I think he wants to go to sleep, but Ms. Tootie won’t shutup and keeps talking an inch away from his face. It truly looked like Travis wanted her to be quiet so he could take a nap. Either that, or it was his signal for, “Hey, would you mind maybe not talking for a bit and just go down on me?” Or something like that.
-Time for Moana’s last night to have sex with Travis. She made dinner for him. Travis appreciated this. “I’m feeling pretty lucky tonight.” I bet you are. So is Moana knowing she has one last chance to get pregnant, which would force you to be with her, thus ending your relationship with Sarah, and now she won’t have to suffer the pain of not having to be without you for one more second. Or maybe Moana just felt like cooking for the night. One or the other. So anyway, this leads Travis to ask, “So yeah, uhhhh, if you cooked for the girls like this every single night in the house, ummmm, why do they all hate your ass?” Moana avoided the question like she has every other one this episode, deflected attention off her and put it on the other girls, and they ate dinner. Gee, I wish a guy could answer questions like Moana does and not get his head bitten off. But I guess that’s not possible. And not only that, you ask questions that either A) you already know the answer to B) you want us to reinforce that you already know the answer to or C) you have no answer to, you just want to hear our answer so it can lead to an argument. Moana’s final telling words to Travis on her final chance to see him before the last rose ceremony. Moana: “I don’t need….but I would like….you in my life.” Awwww…how special. Don’t know why he didn’t choose her after those kind words.
-So the next 15 minutes was spent like it always is. The cheese ball music is playing as we’re watching the girls get up on the morning of the big day, no make up, writing in a journal, and the inevitable shot of someone going over to their hotel room window, opening up the shades and just staring out the window. Never fails. Has happened every season thus far and will continue to happen in every season hereafter. If there are other seasons. This time it was Sarah who was chosen as the window girl. “Sarah, pretend like you just woke up even though there are no bags under your eyes and it’s midday already, go over to the window, open the shades, and just peer off the balcony like you’re in deep thought. Aaaaaaaaand cut!!!” And Travis went ring shopping during all of this. Each girl liked the same exact diamond cut of 2.2 carats. Travis admitted to knowing nothing about rings. As do I. As do pretty much all men. Travis gets the ring, puts it in his pocket, and he’s headed back to the mansion. Didn’t show us him buying that necklace though. Thought they’d trick us, didn’t they? This is pretty much the stuff I fast forwarded through. Recapping their journeys, each girl talking about how she wants Travis in her life, and Travis getting ready. No muy importante. So I skipped it. And that was the only Spanish I’ll use in this column ever again. Probably wrong too.
-Favorite scene of the night? When Moana first appeared out of the limo, she had a nipple slip and the T.V. had to digitize it out. Outstanding. Anyway, onto Travis’ speech….
“Since the beginning, there’s been intrigue….Ms. Mysterious….many layers…nervous I wouldn’t see those layers….you’re passionate…you have depth…amazing connection….beautiful connection….that’s what I love about you……BUT….if I listen to my heart, I can’t choose you…” Soooo, thanks for the sex but my family didn’t like the fact you answered zero questions, you don’t get along with women, and frankly, you can’t quite “Tootie-tot” like I’d like. Sarah wins. You lose.
Moana: “I’m really shocked….I’m really truthfully shocked…”
Travis: “I want to explain…but there’s no great explanation….where do we go from here? I didn’t know the answer to that question.” Translation: Ummm, Sarah lives a block away from me and there’s not a chance in hell I’m getting you to move from San Clemente, California to Nashville. So I went with the safe one. Sorry. Your nipple is showing.
-As for Moana in the limo, I wrote down as much as I could. If you didn’t see it, just picture her saying all this stuff while practically screaming at the cameraman and crying hysterically….
“I’m emotionally devastated….so shocked…thought it was a joke…never been so vulnerable in my life….the good girl always wins…guys like that don’t go for girls like me…this pain I’m experiencing is so intense, I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide…I’m so foolish and absolutely devastated.” Trust me, it was much better to watch on television. Words don’t do it justice. Yikes. Guess she liked him. And in case you're into this sort of thing, you can check out Moana's myspace ad. Myspace ads are really fun. You can learn so many fun and interesting things about people. You can post pictures, talk to friends, meet new people, all in all just a rip-roaring good time. Really, one of the greatest inventions ever. Glad someone decided to come up with it. http://www.myspace.com/moanamarie
-Time for Sarah to show up. No nipple slip for her, but definitely a cleavage slip. I could be wrong on this, but I bet most women who watched the show last night thought Sarah didn’t look good in her dress. I could be wrong, but frankly, I don’t think I am. So Travis begins his speech…
“I had no idea what to expect when I got here….you’re beautiful, smart, honest…with you I’m happy…the irony is, when I’m with you, I feel like I’m home in Nashville….BUT….I have to be completely honest with you….I choose you…every time I’m with you, it’s perfect….”
Sarah: “You’re so perfect for me”
Travis: “You’re the one who’s perfect for me”
Sarah: “No, you’re perfect for me”
Travis: “No, you’re perfect”
Sarah: “I’m perfect?”
Travis: “Yes, you’re perfect.”
Sarah: “No, you are.”
Travis: “Me?”
Sarah: “Yeah, you. You’re perfect.”
Travis: “I think you’re more perfect for me.”
Sarah: “You’re the most perfectedest person in the world.”
Travis: “Sarah, you’re not making sense anymore.”
Sarah: “The most perfected, Mr. Perfecto, so perfect in the most perfect way….”
Travis: “All right, enough. Don’t make me change my mind.”
-So Travis put the ring that he got around a necklace. Travis: “I’m not someone who can make a promise I can’t keep…I want to go back to Nashville, I want to spend with you and see where this relationship goes. I can’t wait to be with you.” The end.
-So all in all, a pretty average season of the “Bachelor”. Nothing we haven’t seen before. We all knew no matter who he chose that he wasn’t going to propose anyway. I’m sure these two will date for a while but I don’t think they’ll end up getting married. I could be wrong. Maybe they’ll be married for fifty years, have numerous children, and will live in “Tootie-tot” heaven for the rest of their lives. But since I have such a jaded view on women and relationships right now, I’ll just choose to say I hope they break up. Good luck to Travis and Sarah. America’s most boring couple.
-As for the column, if there’s another “Bachelor” season, you can sure as hell bet I’ll be writing about it. In the meantime, I’ve gotten numerous emails from you out there wanting me to write about other shows. Now, I’ll never write extensively about one show like I do on the “Bachelor”, but I want to get back to writing a “Reality Roundup” column once a week. Trust me, with “Survivor”, “American Idol”, “Real World: Key West”, “8th and Ocean”, “Apprentice” on right now, along with finales of “Skating with Celebrities” and “Dancing with the Stars” just airing, I have plenty to say. I just can never tell you what day of the week the column will run. I’m thinking I’ll have it up on Fridays, but I’m not going to guarantee anything. So check back weekly to see when the next “Reality Roundup” will be up, send in your emails of any questions, comments, inquiries, or any other chitter chatter you want to talk about, and I’ll be sure to start re-printing some of your emails in the “Reality Roundup” column. Thanks for reading. See you on the other side….
The Bachelor Links
-You know it’s gonna be a long show when they spend seven minutes recapping Sarah and Moana’s journey throughout this whole mess and THEN go to a commercial break. It was 9:12 before we got any original footage. They do that for every two hour finale. And it sucks. It’s just basically screaming out, “Yeah, we’ve got 120 minutes to kill so get used to it. We’re gonna show a lot of stuff we already have, we’re gonna go to commercial every five minutes, and we’re gonna do everything in our power to try and keep you in front of your t.v. for the entire night, when in reality, all you really need to see is the last 15 minutes.” But if you’ve never watched the “Bachelor” until this season, just know that they’ve done that for the ten seasons previous.
-The only difference this season is that Travis’ family came out to Paris to meet the girls and it wasn’t them going back to his hometown. So Travis’ Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and two nieces arrive. Pretty normal family it seems like. Mom’s hair is like she either just got electrocuted, or she has on a big, giant pair of Bose earphones on under her hair. Mushroom Head let’s call her for the time being. His sister is excited (no, I didn’t bother writing down family member names. Sorry): “It’ll be very interesting to see the final two girls that Travis has choosen”. Yes, I rewound it three times. She did say “choosen” instead of “chosen”. Unless she said “chosen” with a southern drawl that made it sound like “choosen”. If that were the case, then I apologize sister of Travis for which I don’t know your name. But I think you said “choosen”, and that makes no grammatical sense whatsoever.
-Travis, Sarah, sis, bro-in-law and nieces go to an indoor park somewhere in Paris. And wouldn’t you know, once Sarah got to meet his two cute little nieces, she had to break it out. Yes my friends, it’s the return of the Tootie-tot game. Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!! And I hope that song runs through your head all day today like it already is mine. That is until I forcefully slam my head against the side of my desk at work to get rid of the pain the song is causing me. Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!! I could sing that for days. Such a fun game to play. Does Sarah actually teach her students or does she just play this game all day? And, ummm, what exactly is the point of Tootie-tot? Is it an exercise? Are they learning something? Frankly, I used to play every lame children’s game known to mankind growing up and I’ve never heard of that in my life. Must be a southern thang. I’m going to play it with my niece next time I babysit. I’m sure Olivia Rose will think Uncle Stephen is nuts Tootie-totting around the living room like a jackass. Like she’ll even want to play that game anyway. If it’s not Baby Einstein or Sesame Street, she doesn’t care. And she thinks her name is “Eeee-I-Eeee-I-Oh” from the Old MacDonald song. That’s another story.
-Wasn’t really much to report from Sarah’s dinner with the family other than they all loved her. She told the mom and dad she was really into their son, could see herself with him, and that he’s made such an impact on her life. Basically, she said everything that Moana couldn’t. So the parents liked her, she left, and her and Travis kissed some more. However, even though I knew four weeks ago he’d be picking Sarah, I still noticed these two did not use a lot of tongue, if any, when they kissed. If you were base who he picked in this thing by going off how much saliva he put into each one’s mouth, Moana would be your hands down winner. He has no problem thrusting his tongue down her esophagus, but with Sarah, they’re like little woodpeckers with each other. Kind of annoying. Yeah, guess that’s why she got a ring on a necklace as opposed to on her finger. More on that later.
-So Moana’s date is up and sis, bro-in-law, and nieces meet her at a park. Apparently it’s cold since Travis has his favorite wool cap on and Moana’s dressed like America’s whiniest Eskimo. Immediately sis’ pulls Moana aside, Moana tells her she never expected any of this, she came here with no expectations, blah blah blah, and she starts crying. One of a hundred instances this episode where Moana lost control of herself. It was almost too much like that was her way of luring in the family. So on to the brother-in-law, he asks her about her living situation and if she’d be willing to move. She says, “I’m pretty flexible”. So we can guess. Probably the least shocking thing she’s said all season. Flexibility plays a huge role with most guys. Well, most guys except Travis that is. He’s more into whether or not you’ve mastered the art of “Tootie-tot”. What was that? You want to hear it again? “Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!” And oh yeah, Travis’ niece drew a picture of each girl and circled Moana’s face because that’s who he wanted her to choose. Which pretty much was the kiss of death. Nothing like being 5 years old and being embarrassed on national television. Nice going kiddo’. Way to pick the wrong girl.
-Moanas’ meeting with Travis’ family was interesting to say the least. Uhhhh, yeah. They didn’t like her. Travis’ bro-in-law asks, “So why do you and Travis make a good couple?” Moana: “I’m sorry. It’s just not my character to answer that.” Good one, Moana. Way to earn points with the family. They totally want you in their family now. So sis’ follows up with, “So what’s the connection?” After what seemed like 10 minutes of crying, then silence, then thinking, Moana came up with some B.S. answer of “he just gets me.” So if 0-for-2 wasn’t good enough for Moana, she followed it up with another stellar performance from the parents. They pull her aside and dad hits her right across the face with, “I’m having a hard time understanding why you are attracted to our son?” After breaking out the tears yet again, Moana comes back with basically the same answer about no one in this universe can apparently understand her and Travis’ connection and that she can’t explain in words other than Travis “rocked her to the core.” Or maybe he “cocked her to the roar.” Whatever the case, Moana lets the cat out of the bag. Travis has officially rocked her core. With his c*** I’m assuming. I don’t know. I’m just as confused as the rest of you.
-So as Moana is in with the parents digging her own grave, Travis, sis’, and bro-in-law are sitting around the table gossiping about her. Bro-in-law leans over to wifey and says, “Makes you realize how much you like Sarah after this”. Oooooohhhhh. Ouch. Good thing Moana wasn’t around to hear that. She might’ve just up and killed him. I really wish Moana would’ve used her eavesdropping skills here like she did on the girls back at the house. You know, where she’s in the short shorts, the wife beater tank top, the glasses, the no-make up look and she’s berating Jehan for calling her a fake. If only she would’ve been around the corner for bro-in-law’s comment. I’m sure that would’ve made her feel really special and less insecure than she already is. Ummmm, in case you haven’t noticed since the first episode this season, Moana’s got some serious emotional issues. How anyone thought she would win is beyond me. I’m still shocked she got this far. But that’s what the biggest rack and horniest chick in the house will get you.
-Travis reiterates to us and to his family his feelings about Moana. “I have a connection with Moana that only her and I understand.” Well, that’s apparent since she can’t explain it at all and that’s your best explanation. And when two people who have such a strong connection and bond like these two still can’t muster the words to explain their feelings for each other, that can only mean one thing. There is no connection. So really there’s not much you can say after that. Well, except “Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!” I really think that “Tootie-tot” should replace “Hakuna Mattata” in our English language. So from now on, anyone who uses the phrase “Hakuna Mattata” around you, try and convert them to “Tootie-tot”. Trust me. It’ll catch on. But I need all of America’s help on this. Well, all of America that reads this column. Spread the word.
-So Sarah’s mom and Moana’s step mom arrive in Paris to go dress and ring shopping with their daughters. Boy, was it just me, or did each of them try on some really hideous dresses? Yucko the clown was definitely the call on some of those gowns they tried on. Wow. Who the hell would wear that to their possible engagement? Sarah’s mom is an interesting character. You know, with a little research, I would not be surprised to find out if Sarah’s mom is also Chris Harrison’s mom. She really likes telling us a lot of things we already know. “You know, this is the last chance you’ll get to see him tonight before the rose ceremony”, “He’s a doctor, you know”, “Tomorrow’s your last rose ceremony”. On and on and on this lady went. “You know, that’s a green dress you have on”, “You realize you’re in Paris, right?”, “Travis is a very tall man”, “If you and Travis get married, you’ll be a doctor’s wife”. Thanks lady. You’ve really cleared a lot of things up for me.
-On Sarahs late date with Travis they played tennis. And she was horrible. And Travis told her she did good. Please. It’s not right to begin your relationship by lying. She wasn’t good Travis. For Christ sakes, the object in tennis is to hit the ball back to the person that hit it to you. She was either hitting it backwards or missing. Stick to “Tootie-tot” woman. So Sarah tells Travis they’re going to order take-out and take it back to this cottage that she found. Uh, wrong. The producers found the cottage and said, “Your last night with Travis will be here”, and you agreed. Quit making it seem like you strolled the streets of Paris late at night trying to find a place where you and Travis could peck each other all night long. It was handpicked and you had no choice. Sometimes my intelligence feels insulted when I watch this show. Which can obviously explain why we’re eleven seasons in and I’ve written a column on every single episode for the last nine of them. Oh God. I’m going to “Tootie-tot” right off my balcony.
-So Travis and Sarah eat dinner then she goes and lays down on top of him. She tells him for the millionth time how perfect he is for her and how glad she is to have met him, and zzzzzzzzzzz. Yes, Travis has fallen asleep. Well, sort of. I think he wants to go to sleep, but Ms. Tootie won’t shutup and keeps talking an inch away from his face. It truly looked like Travis wanted her to be quiet so he could take a nap. Either that, or it was his signal for, “Hey, would you mind maybe not talking for a bit and just go down on me?” Or something like that.
-Time for Moana’s last night to have sex with Travis. She made dinner for him. Travis appreciated this. “I’m feeling pretty lucky tonight.” I bet you are. So is Moana knowing she has one last chance to get pregnant, which would force you to be with her, thus ending your relationship with Sarah, and now she won’t have to suffer the pain of not having to be without you for one more second. Or maybe Moana just felt like cooking for the night. One or the other. So anyway, this leads Travis to ask, “So yeah, uhhhh, if you cooked for the girls like this every single night in the house, ummmm, why do they all hate your ass?” Moana avoided the question like she has every other one this episode, deflected attention off her and put it on the other girls, and they ate dinner. Gee, I wish a guy could answer questions like Moana does and not get his head bitten off. But I guess that’s not possible. And not only that, you ask questions that either A) you already know the answer to B) you want us to reinforce that you already know the answer to or C) you have no answer to, you just want to hear our answer so it can lead to an argument. Moana’s final telling words to Travis on her final chance to see him before the last rose ceremony. Moana: “I don’t need….but I would like….you in my life.” Awwww…how special. Don’t know why he didn’t choose her after those kind words.
-So the next 15 minutes was spent like it always is. The cheese ball music is playing as we’re watching the girls get up on the morning of the big day, no make up, writing in a journal, and the inevitable shot of someone going over to their hotel room window, opening up the shades and just staring out the window. Never fails. Has happened every season thus far and will continue to happen in every season hereafter. If there are other seasons. This time it was Sarah who was chosen as the window girl. “Sarah, pretend like you just woke up even though there are no bags under your eyes and it’s midday already, go over to the window, open the shades, and just peer off the balcony like you’re in deep thought. Aaaaaaaaand cut!!!” And Travis went ring shopping during all of this. Each girl liked the same exact diamond cut of 2.2 carats. Travis admitted to knowing nothing about rings. As do I. As do pretty much all men. Travis gets the ring, puts it in his pocket, and he’s headed back to the mansion. Didn’t show us him buying that necklace though. Thought they’d trick us, didn’t they? This is pretty much the stuff I fast forwarded through. Recapping their journeys, each girl talking about how she wants Travis in her life, and Travis getting ready. No muy importante. So I skipped it. And that was the only Spanish I’ll use in this column ever again. Probably wrong too.
-Favorite scene of the night? When Moana first appeared out of the limo, she had a nipple slip and the T.V. had to digitize it out. Outstanding. Anyway, onto Travis’ speech….
“Since the beginning, there’s been intrigue….Ms. Mysterious….many layers…nervous I wouldn’t see those layers….you’re passionate…you have depth…amazing connection….beautiful connection….that’s what I love about you……BUT….if I listen to my heart, I can’t choose you…” Soooo, thanks for the sex but my family didn’t like the fact you answered zero questions, you don’t get along with women, and frankly, you can’t quite “Tootie-tot” like I’d like. Sarah wins. You lose.
Moana: “I’m really shocked….I’m really truthfully shocked…”
Travis: “I want to explain…but there’s no great explanation….where do we go from here? I didn’t know the answer to that question.” Translation: Ummm, Sarah lives a block away from me and there’s not a chance in hell I’m getting you to move from San Clemente, California to Nashville. So I went with the safe one. Sorry. Your nipple is showing.
-As for Moana in the limo, I wrote down as much as I could. If you didn’t see it, just picture her saying all this stuff while practically screaming at the cameraman and crying hysterically….
“I’m emotionally devastated….so shocked…thought it was a joke…never been so vulnerable in my life….the good girl always wins…guys like that don’t go for girls like me…this pain I’m experiencing is so intense, I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide…I’m so foolish and absolutely devastated.” Trust me, it was much better to watch on television. Words don’t do it justice. Yikes. Guess she liked him. And in case you're into this sort of thing, you can check out Moana's myspace ad. Myspace ads are really fun. You can learn so many fun and interesting things about people. You can post pictures, talk to friends, meet new people, all in all just a rip-roaring good time. Really, one of the greatest inventions ever. Glad someone decided to come up with it. http://www.myspace.com/moanamarie
-Time for Sarah to show up. No nipple slip for her, but definitely a cleavage slip. I could be wrong on this, but I bet most women who watched the show last night thought Sarah didn’t look good in her dress. I could be wrong, but frankly, I don’t think I am. So Travis begins his speech…
“I had no idea what to expect when I got here….you’re beautiful, smart, honest…with you I’m happy…the irony is, when I’m with you, I feel like I’m home in Nashville….BUT….I have to be completely honest with you….I choose you…every time I’m with you, it’s perfect….”
Sarah: “You’re so perfect for me”
Travis: “You’re the one who’s perfect for me”
Sarah: “No, you’re perfect for me”
Travis: “No, you’re perfect”
Sarah: “I’m perfect?”
Travis: “Yes, you’re perfect.”
Sarah: “No, you are.”
Travis: “Me?”
Sarah: “Yeah, you. You’re perfect.”
Travis: “I think you’re more perfect for me.”
Sarah: “You’re the most perfectedest person in the world.”
Travis: “Sarah, you’re not making sense anymore.”
Sarah: “The most perfected, Mr. Perfecto, so perfect in the most perfect way….”
Travis: “All right, enough. Don’t make me change my mind.”
-So Travis put the ring that he got around a necklace. Travis: “I’m not someone who can make a promise I can’t keep…I want to go back to Nashville, I want to spend with you and see where this relationship goes. I can’t wait to be with you.” The end.
-So all in all, a pretty average season of the “Bachelor”. Nothing we haven’t seen before. We all knew no matter who he chose that he wasn’t going to propose anyway. I’m sure these two will date for a while but I don’t think they’ll end up getting married. I could be wrong. Maybe they’ll be married for fifty years, have numerous children, and will live in “Tootie-tot” heaven for the rest of their lives. But since I have such a jaded view on women and relationships right now, I’ll just choose to say I hope they break up. Good luck to Travis and Sarah. America’s most boring couple.
-As for the column, if there’s another “Bachelor” season, you can sure as hell bet I’ll be writing about it. In the meantime, I’ve gotten numerous emails from you out there wanting me to write about other shows. Now, I’ll never write extensively about one show like I do on the “Bachelor”, but I want to get back to writing a “Reality Roundup” column once a week. Trust me, with “Survivor”, “American Idol”, “Real World: Key West”, “8th and Ocean”, “Apprentice” on right now, along with finales of “Skating with Celebrities” and “Dancing with the Stars” just airing, I have plenty to say. I just can never tell you what day of the week the column will run. I’m thinking I’ll have it up on Fridays, but I’m not going to guarantee anything. So check back weekly to see when the next “Reality Roundup” will be up, send in your emails of any questions, comments, inquiries, or any other chitter chatter you want to talk about, and I’ll be sure to start re-printing some of your emails in the “Reality Roundup” column. Thanks for reading. See you on the other side….
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 7:48 AM
38 Comments:
Steve,
Thank you AGAIN for a wonderful season of recaps. You are the best part of this show.
I pray I never have to hear "tootie-tot" ever again!!!!
Tricia
I'm glad I get to read your recap instead of watching this crappy show. These two have the sexual chemistry of Bert and Ernie and seem to be a perfect match- boring and slightly more boring. Blahhhh. Keep up the blogging, Steve!
I'm southern and I've never seen or heard of the tootie tah before Sarah's annoying ass appeared on national tv doing it.
I'm so buying you one of those "MySpace Ruined my life" t shirts.
I liked Snoreah's dress except for the sequins. Nobody in their right mind wears a full sequin dress. But she looked better than she ever has, which isn't saying much.
Why was there no 'after the final rose' thing?
Moana also had a nip slip during her limo ride that wasn't digitized out.
Steve-
I'm sorry to hear about your most recent relationship 'break-up', Not sure if it's my place to say, but you sound a little bitter????? You know, break-up's are never easy- this goes both ways! Geesh! A 'jaded view on women, or a woman'? Never mind, not my place to ask.. And I already know the answer to that one!
Love your writing once again. Keep up the job well done! And by the way- I thought the green dress was dreadful!!!!!! Over and above that, "T's" mothers hair looked terrible, my lord, she was on national television, at least have a stylist there to help her out.
Thanks for the writing. Take care-
Oh and he basically used the same speech with the both girls! Everything before the "BUT" was exactly the same. Gah!!!! What a dork.
I didn't think that Sarah looked any differently (hair and make-up) then she did the entire season of the show- I thought she would have cleaned up a little better, did something different to her hair..something ... JHMO'
Steve,
Fabulous recapping once again! You were right about not being able to do justice to Mo-sob-ana's parting words, but you came pretty damn close! And who in their right mind says, 'It's not in my character to answer that' when the man-you-allegedly-love's parents are asking you questions?! She needs serious therapy!
Steve doesn't sound bitter to me he sounds funny and sarcastic.
I thought Sarah looked beautiful in her dress. BTW, did you notice how he greeted both woman at the final rose ceremony with "Hi Beautiful"?
THIS GUY IS A JOKE. CAN'T BELIEVE MOANA BOUGHT INTO HIS LAME PC ANTICS. THAT RECAP MADE ME CRACK UP. WAY 2 GO STEVE. IM OBVIOUSLY WAY TOO INTO THIS SHOW.
Your recaps are so funny!! I loved your comments about the "Tootie-tot" thing. Glad to see it wasn't only me who was bothered by that. I also think Travis's mother needed to re-think her hairdo. She really did look as though she'd stuck her finger in an electric socket or something. I really didn't see the "chemistry" between Travis and Sarah, but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles, to use the cliche. Also, Moana isn't the only one who has a Myspace; some of the other girls on the show do as well.
Also, did you notice that they never showed Travis actually giving the last rose to Sarah? It kinda just appeared in her hands.
Steve - Your recaps were the best part of the season, as always! I'll be reading whatever else you write, even if I don't watch that show... Keep up the great work!
Kim
Steve, Seriously, I love you! I understand you just got out of a relationship, but wouldn't you like the idea of a new girl to "Tootie-tot" with? I almost died when they showed that again... i definitely emitted a Sarah Canada-like groan :)
check out my myspace ad: www.myspace.com/dixie_chickie ;)
Tootie Tot is taught to kindergartners all over. Both of mine loved the song & sang it regularly. If you have 4-5 yr old kids, you know the song/dance very well.
Thank you for being the best part of my Tuesday. Work is so much better now.
Thanks Steve for all the recaps. By far the best thing about this snorefest. Thank God for The Flavor of Love!
For the record, it's Tootie Ta, not Tootie Tot. It's use is as a transition and calming tool for students. Kindergarten teachers know all of the tricks and the need for them. Actually went to an inservice where they showed brain research about the benefits of movement exercises to focus students, but I won't bore you.
Thanks for your wonderful columns! Your columns are the best part of the show. Please continue with your reality round up. By the way, I teach first grade and would never tootie-tot!!!!!!
Actually, it's "Ah-tootie-tah, Ah-tootie-tah, Ah-tootie-tah-tah" and while it may be all over, it's definitely a Nashville thing. Every library story time in the city does it every week and it's the kids and the parents' favorite thing. Yes, it's very goofy, but it is hysterical to watch your kid doing it.
Okay I have never heard of this
"Ah-tootie-tah, Ah-tootie-tah, Ah-tootie-tah-tah" but I'm from CA, but I do know "Good-Night Moon"
Wasn't the decision to re-cap this season fueled by the originality of the Charlie season...? Where they were far more real and fun about it? Why did they go back to the boring old version? I'm kicking the bachelor habit unless the next season resembles the charlie season.
If anyone you bring home EVER breaks out the "ah tootie ta" on Olivia....run stevie run!!
WHATEVER its used for, Sarah used it out of "pick me!" desperation. As in..see how cute I am? See how much kids love me? See what a good wife and mother I would make? Ugh. Can't stand her. I'm not surprised they've already broken up.
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Hey Steve,
You are hysterical. your thoughts were mine exactly. I'm looking forward to your other blogs. thanks LK
Steve,
You are BRILLIANT! Finally, someone with some edgy prose! I love love love your recaps! You should be writing for any and every reality show!
I cringed when Sarah busted out the Tootie-tot yet again...and I gasped when I saw Mushroom Head!
Keep up the fantastic work!!!!
Steve,
Love your blog. Makes the show worth watching. Am I the only one who noticed Moana had "man hands" in the limo going home? I had a Seinfeld flashback watching her.
And Sarah and her yammering on and on during their last date "you're perfect for me". I thought Stork must be thinking STFU but you're right he was probably wishing she'd put her mouth to better use.
The part about Sarah's mom was HILARIOUS!!! Definitely related to Chris Harrison. You did a great job - thanks!
I agree with Tricia - you're far more entertaining than the show itself.
Like to have more authenticity in the "reality."
Yeh, how about Authenticity Shows - what a concept!
Thanks again for all the endorphin production!
Janet
the breakup rumors have started! apparently dr stork is now back with his ex-gf because he realized SHE was really the one after all this?! shocker!
i heard he decided rosy palmer was sexier than sarah.
Hey Steve! Thanks for the humor! Too bad I just found your site. Can't wait for your next blog.
I'm dating a wonderful man who thinks I'm very sexy. Even if Travis does not.
Sarah
http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060307/ENTERTAINMENT12/603070351
Absolutely LOVED your recaps. Guess Sarah and Travis officially said "Tootie Ta-Ta." No surprise here.
I'm sorry to see the Bachelor come to a close. Why??? Because the best part of the show are YOUR columns!!! I read them and laugh out loud for hours (esp. Mushroom head and the tootie tots) Please continue with reality roundups---SOON!
This was absolutely hysterical. I love the show, but I'm still laughing from reading this and can't wait for the next season so I can follow this humor!
It cracks me up that ABC doesn't even get an After The Rose special cause these two idiots already broke up. Of course this means I have a chance with Travis. He may be boring as crap but he is still quite sexy.
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