"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 2/13/06

-Well, at least I got some good news last night once the show started. They ended up cutting into over 30 minutes of last night's program to show us how in love Byron and Mary, Ryan and Trista, and Charlie and Sarah were. Brought a tear to my eye, even when I was fast forwarding through it. Yeah, I maybe watched a few seconds here and there, but nothing worth reporting on. They all still love each other, they're all still together, and each of them admits to first falling in love with the other once genitals made contact during the exotic overnight dates. True love. You know, because that's when love starts. Very touching confessions by these three couples. And a little bit different this week, I won't be covering commercials, just to let you know. There weren't that many good ones this week, and, I want to make this column shorter this week. Yeah right. Like that'll happen. Onto last night....

-Travis starts out like he did last week by telling us something about the remaining girls:

Susan: "Susan told me last week she was really looking forward to falling in love with me, but what her Mom said worries me." Translation: So last week the actress basically set me up for, "Get ready, I might say I've fallen in love with you, you know, with next week being the overnight dates", and then we all know what happens later. Gee, maybe Mom was right. Great acting, Susan. Bravo!

Sarah: Nothing we hadn't heard 1,000 times before. "Sarah's a lot of fun, and she values things in life that matter to me. But I want to see if there's more there than great conversation and good friendship." Probably the easiest translation yet: Am I ever going to get laid before the wedding?

Moana: "When I think about Moana, I feel excited. I feel like the boundaries are limitless. What bothers me is she's been the blacksheep back at the house." Translation: Excited? Boundaries are limitless? I have a hard on, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt we're using that honeymoon suite key to get our freak on.

-So Moana and Travis have their exotic overnight date in Venice, Italy. Nice place. Never been there, but I heard its supposed to be romantic or something. They're walking around looking at all the big churches. Moana: "I don't know what any of these churches are about." You? Really? And this whole time I had you pegged as the church girl who went to church girl every Sunday with her parents, went to confession to have all your sins you committed the night before heard, and one who was involved in all the church's activities. Shocking to hear otherwise. I wonder if Moana has actually ever done it in church? I think that's what would surprise me the most. If she hadn't. And oh yeah, a bunch of pigeons started attacking these two. Probably because they were after some action off her as well.

-So these two sit down for lunch and Moana shows off her little Italian skills by ordering a few things in Italian. I'm clueless, as well as Travis, but I guess that was his signal to tell her how much he liked her and how cultured she was. And how he had a great time with her family. Travis: "I had a great time in the O.C." Glad you did. Kind of a bummer though when Johnny fell off the rocks. Especially since Marissa's having a real hard time getting over it. Why doesn't she just admit she had strong feelings for him? It's killing her and Ryan's relationship. Are these two ever happy? I've never seen a couple that's stayed together who's more miserable as every day passes. And I really hope Seth's marijuana smoking doesn't hurt his relationship with Summer. Did you lunch with Kristin Cavalleri while you were there? Woops. Wrong show. Sorry.

-Travis and Moana board the gondola ride. And we all knew what was coming next. Travis: "Ten years ago, I was on a Gondola ride and always thought it would be amazing way to spend time in Paris with someone you care about." And then there's that old ritual, you know, where once you cross under a bridge you must make out so that the Gondola guy in the red scarf can get all excited watching you? I mean, how many times do you think Gondola guy has gone home that night and punched his clown to the thought of all the people he saw making out and groping each other? Seriously. That's all he watches all day while he paddles around wearing his Brokeback outfit and singing to couples. He's gotta release some tension when he gets home. Got to. And I love how the term "Brokeback" has pretty much become a part of everyday vocabulary and everyone knows exactly what you're talking about when you say it.

-The rest of the gondola ride is pretty much in complete silence as they both are taking in the scenery. Travis: "What I really like about Moana is that we can have moments where there's no need to talk, and we're on the same page without saying a word." Imagine that. Never having to talk to your significant other, never having them talk to you, and everything is still peaches and cream. What an exhilirating relationship these two are possibly headed towards. I wonder if there relationship would consist of a lot of sex and no talking? Yeah, women seem to like that. Always works out in the long run too. Nothing says "potential husband" than a guy who doesn't talk and just wants you for sex. These two are goin' places.

-So at dinner, Travis has a toast. Travis: "To us, to Venice, and to me, because I'm with the most beautiful girl in Venice." I'm just curious as to whether or not Susan is charging Travis for his acting lessons, or he's getting them for free. What a line. And I'm sure in Vienna and the French Alps, ABC edited out his toasts to Sarah and Susan for fear of, you know, him saying the exact same things to them. Nice effort though. And how does he know she's the most beautiful one in Venice? Was he looking around? Taking notes? Comparing and contrasting? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Moana was not the best looking girl in Venice that day. Might've been the one with the skankiest tattoo on her lower back, but not the most beautiful.

-So they get to dinner finally, since that's what we all care about on these dates anyway, and Weird Al Yankovic is playing his accordian for them. They both appreciated this before bursting out into laughter over Weird Al's perm. Ok, so maybe it wasn't him, but he's the only person I know who plays the accordian. So while at dinner these two are babbling to each other about whatever and whatnot. Travis is telling her that they're both teaching each other things and that nothing else matters and that everything else disappears. All the while Moana is just waiting for the honeymoon suite key. Travis finally presents it. Travis: "You may know about this you may not." Oh, she knows damn well about it Travis. Don't worry about that. Her whole day was leading up to this moment because finally, FINALLY, she gets to take her clothes off for you. Do you know what a relief that was to her?

-Anyway, here's what Moana read, word for word, off the card. "Moana and Travis, hope you're enjoying your stay in Venice. Should you decide to share your individual rooms, please spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite." Huh? Trust me, I rewound that thing three times, so unless they edited it, or Moana just chose to pick and choose different words to read, that didn't make any sense. "Should you decide to share your individual rooms, please spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite"? If they're sharing their individual rooms, how can they be in the fantasy suite as well. If they "forgo" they're individual rooms, it'd make sense. But that's what it said. Or at least, that's not what Moana read. The fact that stuff like this bothers me shows I'm pretty much a loser.

-Moana's response: "I want to spend time with you. Alone. I think it's always good. And I think we're on the same page." Then Moana tells the camera, "We both definitely knew that we were interested in just spending more time and developing that intimacy on a physical level." Holy s***! Did she just say that? I mean, did she really just say that? If I heard her correctly, and I'm not reading too much into this, she basically just said, "Yeah, we both knew it was time to start screwing." Geez. She doesn't hold anything back. But before Travis puts the condom on, Moana just wants to say one more thing. Moana: "The only thing that kinda bothers me is this doesn't hold any exclusivity. In this scenario. I know it's going to be duplicated." Then Travis told her he's never cheated before, no girlfriend has ever worried about him cheating, he's not gonna lie to her, and if they wait any longer, the lubrication will get dry so he needs to put that thing on now. Moana agreed and she started riding him. Or something like that.

-Time for Sarah's date in Vienna. Austria? "Let's put another shrimp on the barbie." Sorry. Saw "Dumb and Dumber" over the weekend. Again. Sarah wasted no time in telling us what she wanted to accomplish on her overnight date. "I want to get to know Travis on a romantic level." Translation: I want Travis to know that I can be a slut just as good as those other two. I may not have the giant rack of a Moana, or I may not be able to fake orgasms as good as Susan, but dammit, all my ex's told me I was the best they ever had. Sure they did. And they told all their other ex's the same thing as well. It's part of our charm. You guys lie to tell us what we want to hear, and frankly, well, we do the same. Relationships are so fun. Can't wait to jump into my next one. I honestly don't mean to sound jaded, but just know I'm typing this tonight with a chip on my shoulder the size of an iceberg. It's fun that way.

-Travis: "Sarah isn't in to romance right away like Moana and Susan. She's into taking it slow and she lets romance develop in time." Sure buddy. Keep convincing yourself of that. It's either that, or, she has the sex drive of a 4th grade girl. Let's just hope the wedding night comes sooner rather than later for your sake, ok pal? So these two decide to get couples massages then head into the floating pool. All the while Sarah keeps asking herself, "How can I get closer to him?" You can tell she really wanted to, but didn't know how since, you know, she's never been with a man. So to help Sarah, I was literally screaming at the TV trying to tell her what to do. But she couldn't hear me. I mean, you could see she was trying to figure out a way maybe to grab his hand, stroke his hair, maybe give him a back massage. No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. You want to get closer Wilbanks, just reach out and grab his package. You two will be closer than you ever could imagine. Go ahead. Try it. Ok, don't listen to me. Your loss.

-Now Wilbanks is totally horny. "I want more than a peck on the lips. I want him to kiss me like we're in a real relationship." Don't worry sweetie. He will. Just not anytime soon. Travis: "I appreciate the fact that she hasn't thrown herself at me. That's not what I'm looking for." Gee, let's just make sure these two have soundproof walls on their wedding night. Holy crap what a piece of work they are.

-So before they head to dinner, Host Chris is voicing over, "Will the teacher accept the fantasy overnight date?" So, like all teachers are saints? None of them have a freaky side? Please. They really were playing this up like, "Well, how would that look if a kindergarten teacher spent the night with a man! Ooooooohhhhh!" Like her students are even watching this show. I'm guessing SpongeBob Square Pants is higher on the TiVo list than "The Bachelor". Call me crazy. Teachers are just as horny as the rest of us. They just hide it better. I think.


-Travis reveals what Sarah's been waiting for. Even though it wasn't what she hoped for, it'll have to do for now. "Sarah and Travis, I hope you're enjoying your stay in Vienna, should you decide to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite." See, that's what they all say. Not that crap that Moana read before. Sarah's response: "Oh my God! I would love too!" Yeah, it was pretty much like all her estrogen skyrocketed warp speed down to her hoo-ha. She was ready. "I definitely see us taking it to the next level tonight." Bad, bad, bad slutty teacher. Me likey.

-So they take their dinner up to the suite, and begin to talk. I think this is where Travis realized he was going to pick her. Sarah said her intentions are different than the other girls. When he asked her what she meant by that, she said, "Their intentions are different. I'm so different. It's kind of a weird group left. I don't see you with either of them. I think we're perfect for each other." Travis ate that up more than you could believe and then delivered the Cheeseball Line of the Night: "I asked you to describe why you think you're better for me than the other two, and you didn't say one bad word about them. I totally respect your opinion, and having said that, without you being here, I definitely think I may have lost some of who I am." Wow. Why didn't he just say, "You complete me" to cap it off? Or some Brokeback line? Frankly, I have no idea what he said after this since I just grabbed a frying a pan and whacked myself right across the face with it.

-Time for Susan's date in the French Alps. Immediately Travis is skeptical about her. Travis: "When I saw her, I just wonder if she's saying something because I want to hear it, or because she means it." Oh no, it's because you want to hear it. She's an actress, remember? They're good at that. Saying what you want to hear, but meaning something totally different. They can even show a completely different emotion to when saying what you want to hear to make it even more believable. Yeah. I'm telling you, she's a keeper. An Emmy is coming her way. I can feel it. So can she. That's why she went on the show.

-And of course, that very point gets brought up next. They do a little mountain climbing, stop for some chatter when Travis asks about what the girls said about her wanting to move to L.A. for acting. Susan: "Did I come here for exposure? No, not at all. That's not me." Ummm, yes it is. Travis: "The girls in the house were talking about our first kiss and they were making it seem like you had won some sort of competition." Susan (crying): "That's so the opposite oh how I feel. That's so the opposite of how I am. It's so not about a game to me." And I'm so sick of you so using the word "so" so much. So like stop it before I vomit into my frying pan.

-So as they head to dinner, Travis is definitely looking for something. Travis: "The true test tonight is if I get to see the real Susan." Susan was happy when she showed up for dinner since she has a lot of sides to her. "I'm glad Travis saw two sides of me today. One side shows I can be adventurous with the rock climbing, and the other shows my sophisticated sexy side." And don't forget about your naked side after you accept the invitation to the honeymoon suite. That's the viewers favorite side. Or at least it is for me. Even though I haven't seen it. Yet. Remember, we still have to do coffee when you're out here in L.A. There's a Starbucks right around the corner. We can walk there. Might have to step over a couple homeless guys, but hey, it'll be romantic nonetheless. C'mon. Just say yes. You're not that busy, are you? I'll even buy you a scone. Ok, I'm done having imaginary conversations. Fun while it lasted though.

-Time for another "frying pan" line, this time from Susan. "I want you to know me....and I'm....totally falling in love with you." Aaaaaannnnnd cut! Perfect Susan. Next time, maybe with just a little more emotion. You're at the airport, you're never gonna see him again if you don't tell him how you feel, and you don't want to lose this man forever. Go! Yeah. Except this time, I just went straight to my kneecaps with the frying pan. Face is still a little swollen.

-So Travis breaks out the card to give to Susan. Yeah, like this chick isn't gonna take advantage of the fantasy suite. For Christ sakes, she just told a guy she's known for a month she's in love with him. Translation: Him being skeptical of my intentions during the whole afternoon pretty much made me realize I have one last chance to prove myself to him. I know! I'll go to the ol' "I love you" card.

-Susan is horny too. Susan: "Tonight is gonna be unbelievable. We're gonna go solidify that connection we do have, maybe expand a bit on our chemistry and intimacy...and there will be kissing. I can guarantee that one." And I can guarantee something else. You taking your pill before you head to bed. Don't forget. You may have a little Stork in nine months if you weren't careful. Travis: "I know Susan and that she has real feelings for me." Ummmm, and how do you know this? Oh, by the sex. Of course. Because all sex is meaningful. Gotcha. Whew. Glad we got that cleared up.

-Time for the video messages:

Moana: "Venice was amazing....bridges...so many bridges...I liked the bridges....I love how I can crack up with you since I've never laughed or smiled in my life. Caio."

Sarah: "Thanks for Vienna....it was fun and relaxing...this trip reassured what I already knew....that we're great friends, and someday, might become America's most boring couple."

Susan: "I had an amazing time in the French Alps....you got to see the real me....hope I cleared up any concerns whether or not I'm being sincere....I really made myself vulnerable....and, ummmm, errrrr, did I mention I'm falling in love with you? Just in case, you know, you didn't hear me the first time."

-Travis (before elimination): "I've been blessed with all my experiences the last week....truly convinced we'd have just as much fun if it was just us. Not because of the location, but because of the company." Get on with this already since I don't really know if that made any sense. I think he was just trying to think of something nice to say.

Moana: Wow. The aloof, dirty, sex pot that everyone hates gets to the finals. Hmmm...wonder if she wins?

-Can you believe Host Chris did not step in and tell us there's one rose left? Most shocking moment of the season. But without your help, I'm totally confused. Please, tell me how many roses are left before I pull my hair out.

Sarah: Or does he pick the safe, asexual one who lives in his hometown? Hmmm...wonder if she wins?

-Time for Susan to say goodbye and start falling in love with another man as soon as possible. And boy did she let loose. First, Travis has a few words for her. "You are amazing. I don't know if I made the right decision. Our relationship just felt more formal. I didn't have time to get to know you." Then Travis tells the camera he still wondered what her intentions were. Wow. That's gotta suck. Told him she loved him, boinked him on the overnight date, spilled her guts, and he still wasn't sure what her inentions were. I wonder if Susan is still on speaking terms with her parents? Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. I'm sure your conversations with him had nothing to do with his choice.

-I'm going to paraphrase a few things that Susan said. "I get dumped because I'm formal? What does that mean? If anybody sitting in that f***ing chateau right now who thinks they're being real is lying to themselves......We had chemistry....I just don't understand this....Whoever ends up with him is one lucky girl." Didn't realize when Susan doesn't get what she wants she starts cursing like a drunken sailor. Or maybe that was her dramatic side taking over in case someone was looking to cast her in a leading role. Whatever the case, she's gone and we have the two most opposite girls in the finals. And next week, on the "Women Tell All", Host Chris sits down with both finalists, plus, Susan gets to confront the women who questioned her sincerity. An all out catfight with pillows and lingerie. And twenty other girls that none of us care about. Oh, except that "I need to be impregnated tomorrow" girl. Her craziness should make the show enjoyable. Until next week....

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