"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 2/20/06

-Aaahhhh finally. A one hour show. A lot of the same ol’ stuff rehashed, a lot of horrible editing and canned laughter, and a no-show by Allie G. Pretty much par for the course on the “Bachelor: The Women Tell Us Chopped Up Answers That Are Edited Down to Five Seconds or Less.” And was it just me, or were the nineteen commercial breaks a bit much? Maybe it just seemed like a lot since I was counting the seconds until the show ended, but I noticed a few more than usual over an hour span. I understand ABC always needs to put this show on to give us a different view of the women, or what went on in the house, but I think they should have the actual Bachelor out for more than, oh I don’t know, fourteen seconds. Travis wasn’t on for more than five minutes when honestly, a lot of really watched to see what the other girls had to say to him, maybe take questions from the audience, etc. All we saw was three questions from three different girls, then Host Chris ask him what he thought of Allie G., which he wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Wow. How interesting. Boooooooo…..Anyway, onto last night.

-So they start out recapping Travis’ journey with a quote from him that I don’t ever remember hearing. Travis: “I’m not this Cassanova bachelor stud. And that’s why I’m so excited about this experience.” Translation: I’m not Andrew, Bob, Jesse, or Charlie. Or the gay one from the first season. Yeah, you sure said a mouthful. Thanks for the warning. If they actually would’ve played us that sound bite in the beginning of the season, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up going into this. Travis telling us he’s not a “Cassanova bachelor stud” is equivalent to Tara telling us she wasn’t sauced during the taping of this show. Just file it under the “No S**t?” category and lets move on. Thanks for nothing Stork. You suck and so has this season.

-Time for Host Chris to introduce the 22 ladies who didn’t win Travis heart, about 18 of which we didn’t know, didn’t care to know, and were surprised they even showed up. Twenty-two? Yes, twenty-two. Sarah and Moana weren’t there, and neither was Allie G. who “declined to be there.” So probably the most talked about rejected bachelorette in the history of this show and you can’t even get an appearance from her? Talk about disappointment. Unbelievable. Man, she really must’ve pissed someone off to not show up. Can’t they just pretty much make her do whatever they want her to do since she’s under some sort of legal contract with ABC? Maybe she demanded that if she showed up there, someone lucky fella’ in the audience would be forced to impregnate her. And since that would’ve been a catastrophe beyond epic proportions, ABC thought better of it and told her to stay home and play with herself. Or something like that. When you’re AB-freakin’-C and Allie G. is big timing you, there’s something wrong with that. I’m sure people tuned in to see Susan cry or to see Sarah B. stoned, but seriously, I think we all wanted to get this psycho’s reaction to her behavior on the show. Hugely disappointed.

-Host Chris told us this was “the most talked about season ever” after introducing the girls. It was? By whom? Certainly not viewers since we’ve seen the ratings and they stayed away in droves. Here’s some of the things most talked about: Allie G. And you couldn’t get her on the show. Wow. Still scratching my head over that one. And oh yeah, how if Travis and Jen Schefft ever end up getting married, they might lead a life of 50 years together with no sex or physical contact. Other than that, what else were people talking about? I’m confused. And can someone for once please settle something for me? How does Jehan pronounce her name? The first night she told Travis it was pronounced “Je-HAN”, as in “Han Solo”. But all season Travis called her “Je-HAN”, as in “Han job”. And Host Chris called her that all night too. Apparently she doesn’t care much since she never corrected either one. I guess I’m the only one that does. I’ll stop now. I hate it when my panties are in a bunch.

-A quick overview of the twenty-two women who did show up. Sarah B. looked rather bland and boring. And high. Baked Tara was beyond liquored up and was wearing giant, ugly, green, loopy earrings that didn’t go with her outfit, and Susan looked pretty much like she always did. With less eye makeup since she knew she’d probably end up balling her eyes out and didn’t want mascara running down her face. Probably had a photo shoot right afterwards. Or maybe an audition to be on “Passions” or something. I think every reality TV figure who’s wanted to try their hand at acting has either read for, or has appeared on “Passions”. I’ve never seen it, but I’m sure it’s brilliant. All daytime soaps are. Anything that can run on the same network at the same time for 30 years and still have housewives sewn to their couches between noon and three o’clock each day must be doing something right.

-First up on the hot seat was Susan and Host Chris wasted no time in getting straight to the point. Will you do Playboy? Kidding. No, he asked her if she was insincere about her feelings on the show. Susan: “That was me. That was how I acted. I was real.” Aaaaannnnd cut! Outstanding work Susan. Now, tilt your head back a bit, flip your hair, and let us see more cleavage. Action! Susan also told us that her feelings for Travis still haven’t fully gone away. Uh oh. This could get reeeeeallly interesting if they let it play out, which of course they won’t. I think they should’ve brought Susan up onto the stage with Travis, had them sit face-to-face with each other, and talk things out like adults. Or maybe she could’ve sat on his lap while Sarah Tennessee watched from home stewing that her man was allowing Susan to ride him like a horsey.

-Susan said her mom felt like she lost it for her for essentially throwing her under the bus and has felt horrible all week. And she should. She did lose it for you. And the fact that you went on the show to further your acting career. And modeling career. And to get back at your ex fiancee. The ex fiancee became an issue as well. Model Jennifer was questioning Susan about why she brought a picture of her ex to the chateau. She did? And we didn’t get to see this? Yeah, that might be a little much. I’d probably be questioning your motives too. Although Susan took exception to Model Jennifer’s accusation. Susan: “I don’t know why my former fiancee is being brought up in all this”. Yeah, me neither. Except for the fact that you’re carrying his picture around on a show where you’re supposedly looking to find your next ex fiancee. Can’t imagine why that’s being brought up. Women can be so evil at times, no?

-Susan lets the cat out of the bag as to why her and her fiancee broke up. Susan: “We broke up because he didn’t want me to have a career.” So small town Kansas boy with hot girlfriend doesn’t want his woman moving out to the bright lights and big city of L.A. where she’ll drop him in a heartbeat once some slime ball agent or greasy talent execs start telling her what she wants to hear? Hey, I believe it. Either that or once the Kansas City Chiefs cut him because he couldn’t punt anymore, she decided acting was her next logical choice in life. Whatever the case, all the girls in the house were under the impression Susan didn’t care if she won or not because she always had her ex fiancee back home waiting for her on hand and foot. Which is probably true. This brought Susan to tears. And it got me to thinking, “At what point in my life did everything just start rocketing downhill for me?” These are some of the little moments I have with myself when watching this show.

-Commercial break #1 of many. They showed Jessica Simpson’s Pizza Hut Super Bowl ad again for the 100th time. I think there are only two women in America that can make popping a pizza bite into her mouth extremely sexy. And Jessica Simpson is one of those women. The other? Rosie O’Donnell. Jessica is still front and center on everything and Nick has now been relegated to the title of “Drew’s brother”. Then again, I’m sure Nick’s not hurting in the ladies department. Not like he cares. So if Jessica’s gonna go out and bang Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Jude Law, and Johnny Knoxville, I’ll just get myself a little former Miss Kentucky USA. That’ll show her. I feel so sorry for these two. I mean really. Do you know how hard it’s gonna be on these two to divide a gazillion dollars equally? Who’s gonna get that $5000 coffee table? What about the $50,000 useless painting on the wall? Is there home gonna sell for $3.2 million or $3.5 million? I just can’t feel sorry for these two. And I don’t know why it’s still such a story. They’re a Hollywood couple. They got divorced. Where’s the news in that? They all get divorced. Besides Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

-Sarah B. is next up on the hot seat. She immediately starts giggling and asks the producers for a bag of chips. Ok, she didn’t. Host Chris tells us that “from the beginning, Travis and Sarahs spark was immediate and undeniable.” Yes it was. And Sarah’s first spark of the night was about an hour before the taping started. Then we got to rehash all the silly noises Sarah made throughout the show and included in that was some unseen footage from her hometown date where she was squeezing her boobs together and talking to them. That was immediately followed by her answering a question about her age. Sarah B.: “Anyone who knows me well enough knows I’m beyond my years.” Aaaahhhh, how refreshing. Of course you are. As evidenced by everything we saw you do this season, who could argue that? I sure couldn’t. Could you? Didn’t think so. Most mature 23 year old I’ve ever met. Because I know a lot of older, more mature, more developed women that have conversations with their rack on a daily basis. It’s just part of being mature and developing into a woman. Totally get it.

-Model Jennifer decided to attack Sarah B. a little bit saying she just never saw where the chemistry was with Travis. Jennifer was the one on the camping date that Travis eliminated when he gave the rose to Sarah B. instead of her. More unseen footage showed Jennifer on the date saying, “I don’t care who it is. Could be Hugh Grant. I don’t like bugs.” Hugh Grant? Women still like him? The stuttering Englishman who once got caught with probably the ugliest hooker in all of Los Angeles for a $40 BJ in the back of a car while he was still with Elizabeth Hurley? That Hugh Grant? America is so forgiving, aren’t they? I guess it once again proves my theory: If you’re good looking and you’re famous, people don’t give a crap what you do unless you kill someone. And even then they might let it slide. Once.

-Sarah B. didn’t stay on the hot seat long. Just long enough to tell us that the biggest thing that couldn’t get over was the fact that Travis was seeing a lot of different girls and not just her. Exactly. Pretty much what to expect from a 23 year immature pothead who lives at home with her parents, is ridiculously insecure and fickle like everyone else her age. Makes perfect sense. Travis really missed out on that one. She was a keeper. She also said she didn’t hide the fact she still lived with her parents from Travis, she just didn’t think it needed to be brought up. Of course she didn’t. Why would she? She’s mature beyond her years. A 33 year old doctor looking to settle down absolutely didn’t need to know that one of his potential fiancees was still living at home with mommy and her two brothers and getting grounded for being on the phone too long. Take another hit Sarah. Get back to us in say, oh, ten years or so. Eh?

-Commercial. The “Dancing With the Stars” finale is Thursday night with the results show on Sunday night. I know I’ve been horrible about keeping up with other shows, and probably once the “Bachelor” ends, I’ll get back to giving quick thoughts on all the other shows I’m watching, especially this one. From the beginning, you kinda knew Stacy and Drew would be the final two. And not that I’m complaining but I did bring it up in the beginning. I know neither of them had any ballroom dancing background, but Stacy was a former Baltimore Raven cheerleader and had been dancing since she was a kid. And Drew was in a boy band where there was dancing involved. I mean, compared to everyone else on the show who are completely green, it is kind of an unfair advantage. But whatever. I still watch every week. And of course my vote will go to Stacy. Drew’s great. He’s likable, he can dance, his partner is excellent, and he’s a midget. He’s got it all going for him. Except Stacy has 42” inch legs that frankly make me wet myself sometimes. Other than that, I’d vote for Drew.

-Host Chris next brings Kristen up to the hot seat and introduces her as “one of the best personalities we’ve ever had.” Funny. And you know what they say about women with great personalities. I couldn’t have been more fitting when Travis came out later in the show and said to Kristen, “I have a friend who absolutely loves you.” I mean, seriously. Isn’t that what most guys do? Pawn off the girl with the “great personality” on our friend? Hey, women do it too. I know. It’s like, “You’re a great person, you’re funny, you’re lively, and you have such an energy about you. Granted, I’m not the least bit attracted to you and never will be, but let me introduce you to my friend here….” What a guy, Trav. I’m sure your friend loves her. And I’m sure its that same dorky friend we saw early in the show who got the sweats and shivers around a living, breathing female. Just wait til’ Kristen pulls the ol’ orange trick on him. He’ll probably eat it up.

-It was at this point that Host Chris told us Allie G. had declined an invitation to show up so he opened up the forum for everyone to bash her. But not before showing those memorable clips of her meltdown. Wow. I think my favorite was, “This cost me big bucks! Big bucks! $1500 a day. Big bucks!” I was waiting for her to say, “No Whammys! No Whammys! Stoooooooppppp! You’ve landed on his and her matching luggage valued at $435. Are you gonna pass or press your luck?” Even worse than Allie G. not being there, was them opening up the floor for everyone to trash her, having the girls say practically nothing, then going to commercial break again. How fun was that? ABC has dropped the ball many times in regards to this show (Bob Guiney, Boring Jen Schefft, no unedited DVD versions of the overnight dates), but this takes the cake. They couldn’t have even had her pre-record some video message to play to all of us? I’m sorry. Yes, I’m grouchy about this. And no, I’m not PMS’ing.

-Commercial. Now, I need to be careful about what I say here considering the backlash I received for talking about a woman who decided to purchase a new face. Talk about people getting their panties in a bunch. Anyway, this Thursday on “Good Morning America” and later that night on “Primetime Live”, they’re going to have an interview with the lead suspect in the Natalee Holloway case. I love when the networks play up the big interviews with people like this. Like this little pimply faced teen is gonna say anything. What are they expecting? “Oh yeah, I know where she is. Take this road about five miles, make a left, when you go down the embankment, make another left, and over by that tree….” I mean, c’mon. This kid probably has a lawyer sitting to each side of him and the minute there’s a question that’s not to their liking, the kid will be told not to answer it. Plus, since its already been taped, we get the edited version anyway. I can already tell you pretty much the nuts and bolts of what this kid will say. “Yeah, we were partying, she was cool. We had a few drinks. We were all hanging out having fun. Then I didn’t see her for the rest of the night. I don’t know what happened.” Much ado about nothing. Hate it when the networks think they have something bigger than they do. Guarantee this kid doesn’t know any more than you or I other than he probably was one of the last people to see her.

-Travis gets brought out to a standing ovation. Ummm for what? Not making out with anyone til episode five? Oh, that’s what the cue cards told them to do. My bad. So he gets brought out, says thank you to everyone and answers one question each from three different girls.

Susan: “Did you question my sincerity?” Travis: “I just first off want to defend Susan….yeah, I maybe questioned things here and there especially after the hometown dates…but Susan’s an exceptional woman. I do believe she was here for the right reasons. Can I change my pick now or is it too late?

Sarah B.: “Why did our chemistry fail?” Travis: “On our camping date, I hopped up in a tree and you didn’t remember it….from there, it seemed like we became more distant….I don’t want to have to leave the door open when I go up into your room anymore….I don’t want to hear your drunk friends calling you at 2 in the morning for booty calls….I just couldn’t do it.”

Kristen: “Was it the teeth?” Travis: “I don’t think there’s anyone here that can say anything bad about you. Except for the fact you completely embarrassed yourself, I was completely turned off by you, and my dorky friend wants your number so he can ask you to go miniature golfing.”

-Host Chris of course had to ask Travis about Allie G. and here was his response. Travis: “Let’s just say she shocked me that night. Let her move on. I’m not gonna go there.” Why even tease us and bring Allie G. is up if you’re barely gonna spend any time talking about her and even the Bachelor steers clear of destroying her? Thanks for that Travis. Do you have any opinions on anything? How about the woman with the new face? Your thoughts? Do you think Ace will be the next “American Idol”? Drew, Jerry, or Stacy? Do you think Dick Cheney intentionally tried to blow away his hunting buddy? If Jack Bauer were president, would any country ever mess with us? How many canisters of nerve gas do you think will get released on American soil? When do you think CTU will set up a perimeter around the perimeter of a perimeter? When are Jack and Kate gonna hook up again? Is Locke a good guy or a bad guy? We’d like your thoughts on any of these. Please.

-They showed us some outtakes from this past season. A few of the women belching, Moana spitting up her drink, Sarah Tenneesee saying she liked Travis’ meat, Kristen trying out the orange peel trick at home before going out on the date, Tara telling us she likes to drink, and pretty much nothing else out of the ordinary or earth shattering. Although, I could’ve sworn last week during the previews, it showed Host Chris sitting down with both Sarah and Moana separately for interviews, and it said that each girl would have a video message for the girls in studio. Guess they ran out of time on that one. Either that, or it was just as boring as the rest of the show and didn’t need to be included. Kinda funny how in the very last segment, they spent it talking about Moana and how the other girls felt about her, and yet at no time did they ever talk about Sarah.

-So for the last hurrah Host Chris opens up another forum for everyone to gang up on Moana. The consensus was that she didn’t care to be there, she never cared if she got a rose, then all the sudden after the French Riviera date, she acted like a totally different person. And now every girl from the season has done a complete 180 after seeing footage of Moana and her emotions and they all feel sorry for her and like her now. What? The one thing that this show had going for it was that everyone hated Moana. All of em’. There was no love loss between Moana and the group and there was definitely a bitter rivalry between her and the rest of the girls. And now that’s gone too. Brilliant. Then what the hell am I watching for? Like I care who wins? They’re not staying together anyway. At least if you bring Moana out, put her in front of the girls and have them fire away, that could make for some entertaining television. Nope. Couldn’t even do that. This show turned into a 60 minute love fest. Gee. Can’t wait til next week. Moana says something totally and utterly ridiculous about looking in the mirror and seeing right through herself or something so asinine, it’s gonna cause me to break out the frying pan again. Oh lord. God help us all. Until next week….


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