Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 3/21/06

-So it’s been a while. Got a lot of shows to cover here. And boy is there some good crap on television right now. Quality crap. Crap for your dining pleasure. We basically have a smorgasbord (I don’t care if I didn’t spell that right. I’m not Swedish) of good/bad television currently in progress. If it’s not too late, maybe at the end of the column, I’ll add my two cents about the few non-reality shows that I watch. But right now, let’s just start with my favorite.

-Some good news in my life right off the bat. I have a new girlfriend. I’ve never talked about previous girlfriends in this column for the sole reason that, well, I just didn’t feel any of you cared who I was dating. And I’ve only had one since I started writing this column anyway. You didn’t know her, so what was the point? However, this new girl, I can’t stop gushing about and some of you have probably heard of her. Rather young for me, but when I first saw her, I had a feeling she could be the one. I’m only running into one problem right now and I was seeing if I could get some help on this. She has no idea who I am. Ok, I’ll admit it. I have the McPhee-ver. Yes, Katharine McPhee is my newest crush. So if one of you could please relay onto her there’s someone ten years older than her looking to take her out for pizza, I’d appreciate it. I mean, she’s an L.A. girl, she likes “American Idol”, she’s barely 21, she’s a great singer, what’s not to like? I’m smitten right now. Like a kitten. Or a dog in heat. The McPhee-ver is running through my Mc-pants all Mc-day and I can’t Mc-help myself.

AMERICAN IDOL

-I think last night was my favorite performance. Why? Well, you know at the beginning of the song when she said she’d be singing it for “someone that America won’t know about”? Sorry to break the news to everyone. It was for me. I think. At least that’s what I convinced myself of. No doubt if she’s not in the final three, I demand an internal investigation. That I’ll head up. I will need some definite one-on-one alone time with Ms. McPhee to get to the bottom of this. Thirty seconds is all I need. Maybe a minute. Or five. Depends how tired I am. Let’s just say she’s my favorite contestant in five seasons of the show. And she appeared in my dream two nights ago that involved her cellphone, In-and-Out Burger, Jack Bauer, and The Standard Hotel in downtown L.A. Don’t ask. It was all very bizarre. But enjoyable.

-I did something last week I’ve never done in four seasons of watching “American Idol”. I voted. I got home late on Tuesday, so I didn’t finish watching until 10:30, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t hit redial five times in a row for Ms. McPhee. And I voted for Taylor. That’s about it. Five times for each of them. I probably could’ve done more, but I figured voting ten times was enough to fill my dork status for the night.

-Since I never covered any of the auditions, or when the twenty-four contestants were cut down to twelve, I’ll just say this about the final twelve: I agreed with ten of the twelve. I thought the six girls that made it were correct, but I thought Gedeon and Will would make it over Kevin and Bucky.

-I’m sorry. Kevin’s a great story and all with his Type 1 diabetes that he suffers from (as does Elliot), the fact that Paula wants to squish him every show, but once again, Simon continues to be the voice of reason on this show. The kid is not even close to being on the level as some of the other singers. Could we get a little range in his voice? Every stinkin’ song is sung exactly the same. The fact he wasn’t the first one gone makes me think he might be this season’s Scott Savol. Except he never beat up a past girlfriend.

-As for Bucky, once again, another nice guy, could use a little dental work, and might want to pick up a “Hooked on Phonics” book while he’s in L.A., but he just seems like the guy you see leading the crowd on Karaoke night. Great karaoke singer. Not good enough for this competition. And probably the more shocking news of the season came last week when Bucky told us he never owned a Stevie Wonder album growing up. Really, Bucky? You don’t say? Surprising. Because when I look at you, the first word that comes to mind is “soul”. Then “dentist” is second.

-Now, I’m not saying Gedeon or Will had a chance to win this thing, because they didn’t, I just thought they’d make it over those two. Gedeon for the fact that, although he was definitely weird (what was with those pre recorded videos? Was he reading his cue cards the whole time?) and sang songs only my parents had probably heard before, he was unique. And usually, people vote for unique. Except this season. And Will I just figured would get in because the twelve and thirteen year old girls who watch this show (besides me), would vote him in.

-Elliott intrigues me. Has an interesting story, can sing pretty good, the judges seem to like him, but there’s one problem. He looks like one of the Muppets. And good thing he got rid of that Abe Lincoln beard. Bad look dude. I also look at Elliott a lot and think, “He looks like he should be in a boxing ring sparring with someone.” Just doesn’t have that look I think America will choose. He and Bucky seem to be on the same dental plan. But hey, I’ve been wrong before. Not very often, but it happens on occasion.

-Rumors are circulating that the stylists for “American Idol” are going to darken Taylor’s hair, week by week. So by the finale, I guess, he won’t look like the poster boy for “Just for Men”. I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing or a bad thing for him. Taylors appeal seems to be his full head of gray hair. And his crazy gyrations on the stage that make Elaine from “Seinfeld” look like Paula Abdul. Whatever the case, I hope he lasts. I think he’s one of the few guys ever in this competition that people openly root for. Not much to dislike about him.

-I think the smartest person in the whole competition is Kellie Pickler. Calm down. Let me explain. Smart as in “She’d get a 1400 on her SAT’s”? No. She’s smart in the fact that she’s turned all the attention away from her singing skills and focused it on the pre and post performance acts. She’s playing the uncultured, billie’, I-don’t-know-nuthin’ role perfectly. Hell, Simon wants to bone her. Very, very likable and she knows exactly what she’s doing up there. Let’s face it, there are about 5 or 6 people in the competition that are better singers than her and she’s probably going to outlast most of them.

-Ace Young is the Matthew McConaughey of this competition. You notice how every recent Matthew McConaughey movie now is about women, or relationships, or catering to the female audience? There’s a reason why he’s voted “Sexiest Man Alive” and women adore him. He makes movies tailored to them for the most part. “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”? “Failure to Launch”? Please Matthew. Enough. We get it. You’re good looking, you know it, and you want even more women dropping their pants for you. Stop it already. The rest of us have no chance when you keep making these chick flicks. You’re putting us in an impossible position. See, that’s Ace. Singing “Father Figure”, “In the Still of the Night”, glaring into the camera, “mmmmm”-ing and breathing all his songs. He knows exactly what vote he’s after. Can’t blame him though. Smart guy.

-One thing that disturbed me a couple weeks ago was Ayla getting bounced in favor of Melissa. What was that all about? Ayla was a much better singer, definitely more likable, and I thought it would’ve been cool to have some 6’5″ amazon chick win this thing. Or at least last a few rounds. What was that? Oh, her camouflage khaki Capri pants didn’t do it for you? Uhhhh, yeah me neither. Cute girl, but not a great choice of outfits that last night she was on. I’ll miss her though. Especially since she plays basketball. I’d take her anyday.

-Kinnik Skye left us also. Not really much to say about her except that Eddie Murphy was probably a huge fan of hers. And her name is a palindrome. I guess she could brag about that.

-You ever watched when the camera pans to the families trying to sing along or clap along with the songs. Half these parents wouldn’t know a beat if it slapped them across the face. Sway’s parents in the first week couldn’t have been more offbeat if they were deaf. In fact, I was deaf after his performance singing that song like a girl. Too much. Way over the top. I thought he’d get canned in the first week for that.

-As for last night, a few observations:

-Barry Manilow looks like either Siegfried or Roy. Don’t know which one is which. Which one was eaten by the lion? He looks like him. Barry can sing his ass off man. He’s been around forever singing every song known to mankind. But damn is he a weird lookin’ dude. Kinda freaky.

-Paula called Mandisa a “thoroughbred”. Ouch. Bet she wishes she had that one back.

-A 17 year old Paris singing “Fever”, and trying to be all hot and sexy just didn’t do it for me. Too impossible to believe. Now if, I don’t know, Katharine were to have sung that song, I might’ve had to pull the blanket up over me. Even though I was alone. Sort of. As the sign in the crowd last night said, “Call a doctor, I have the McPhee-ver”. I’m burning up. And the only prescription is more cowbell.

-As much as I like Taylor, Simon was dead on about his performance last night. He had fun, it was enjoyable, he definitely entertains every single week, but was there any other lyrics in that song other than “Not Fade Away”? He must’ve repeated that twenty times. Doesn’t matter. He’s not going home anytime soon.

-I thought this show had stylists who worked on these people? I mean, someone had to tape Katharine’s breasts down last night, right? Well, couldn’t that same person have picked out a better outfit for Kevin? Good lord. The poor kid had on a polo shirt with a pair of Dockers. Was he modeling for a Mervyn’s catalog before taking the stage? Horrible.

-Nice of Elliott to tell the whole world “yeah, I pretty much wasn’t a fan of Barry’s work” before meeting Mr. Manilow. I mean, you can feel that way, but probably not a good idea to tell 40 million people that. What’s the point? Just say, “I didn’t know much about his music, he really helped me, and I had a great time”. And if someone can please tell me the name of the Muppet he looks like, I’d really appreciate it. Beeker, maybe?

-Simon recently told an interviewer he thinks the final three will be Chris, Taylor, and Kellie. Hmmmmmm….Chris and Taylor I get. And Kellie will be around a while. But I think we need to squeeze Katharine in there. My final four right now is Chris, Taylor, Katharine, and Mandisa. I think the bottom three tonight will be Bucky, Kevin, and Lisa. With Bucky or Kevin going home. They’re not even in the same league as some of the others. But I’m sure America will rally around the ones that Simon hates and put them through.

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