NEWS AND NOTES 4/24/06
Before I get to some shows, a couple things to point out:
-Charlie Sheen likes porn. Kiddie porn. With boys. I mean, have you read these divorce papers that Denise Richards filed? Holy crap Charlie has got some problems. And I'm not talking about "Men at Work" with brother Emilio problems, I'm talking about the problem where laying pipe to Denise Richards nightly became boring to him so he had to go out and get hookers. For Christ Sakes Charlie, keep it in your pants. Or at least just Denise's. Another reason why I'll never understand Hollywood couples. Chad Michael Murray locks up Sophia Bush, and within then five months, he's divorced and now dropping his seed in an extra on the "One Tree Hill" set and engaged to her. I'm sure tension on that set isn't running pretty high since Chad and Sophia still have to work together. How's that taste? Un-freaking-believable.
-Now I'm sure in Charlie's case, when he allegedly signed up for his kiddie porn sites, he was all hopped up on coke and pills and God knows what else, but geez, is he that stupid? Wait. Don't answer that. I don't know what's worse, telling his pregnant wife who was bleeding in the bathroom to "wait til the plays over" because he was watching a game, or that he was placing bets with a bookie while she was being wheeled into the delivery room? Hmmmmmm...tough one. And let's not forget the numerous times he's alleged to kill her recently. Father of the Year if you ask me. Gee, you think America is going to lean towards believing Denise Richards side or Charlie Sheen? I wonder.
-I'm siding with Denise on this one. I have to admit though, I'm biased. Not because I believe everything she wrote in her restraining order papers, but just for the sole reason that she did a nude lesbian scene in "Wild Things" with Neve Campbell. Twice. Nude scenes go a long way with guys in case you didn't know. Where can I purchase a "Team Denise" shirt? And this is a smear campaign, Charlie? Ummmm why? Why would she just make all this stuff up? We've never had any reason to believe Denise is crazy and you, on the other hand, have always been a pill popping, gambling, hooker addict. Have fun never seeing your kids again without a police escort Charles. Anyone interested in reading Denise's complete report, go to www.thesmokinggun.com. Its definitely worth 10 minutes of your life to read the whole thing.
-Since I've once in a while professed to be all-knowing when it comes to women, one of our readers decided to send me a recent article in Maxim Magazine entitled "100 Things You Need to Know About Women". Here's the link....
http://www.maximonline.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=6781
So, I read it from #100 down to #1 and realized I pretty much knew all of this already, but there were a couple that stood out. Here are some....
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world. - This I didn't know. Although, I haven't worn underwear since high school. I'm a boxer guy. I guess I can cross one more off the "Reality Steve Fact" list.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean. - Gee, if only someone would've told me this sooner. That explains it all then.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends. - This definitely applies to me. I still have most notes, cards, and letters from high school.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.” - Oh please. We'll call when we feel like calling. If you like us, you like us. If you don't, you don't. Don't give me "wait 3 days" B.S. I ain't buying it. Then again, maybe that's why I'm single.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.” -Been there, done that. And if there hasn't been kissing within the first two dates, then we probably don't want to be with you anyway.
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions. - Yet another thing I have a hard time comprehending about women. There's a reason golf was invented and it takes four hours to play.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps. - Pretty much speaks for itself.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta! - Eight? That's it? That's gotta be wrong, doesn't it? I'd be shocked to know that the average grown woman only owns eight bras. You should own eight just from Victoria's or Fredericks alone. This better not be true.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you. - Would it be asking too much to let me know which one?
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps. - Great. Makes me feel that much better that I'm a chump. Boooooooooo.
11. She likes one of your friends. -She damn well better not. "But Steve, earlier you wanted to know..." Shutup. I know what I said. But that's not important right now. She better not want one of my friends or there will be problems.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last. - Women are crazy. This is what goes through your mind when your mildly interested in us? Let's just say men's thoughts are completely different. We're thinking more along the lines of what color our bedroom together should look like and what you'd like for that first dinner we cook for you. Or something like that.
DEAL OR NO DEAL
-Is it possible to become stupider the more you watch a television show? Well, it is now. You know what the only problem is? I find myself physically unable to turn away from this show. It's like "Bikini Airlines" on Skinemax. But with Howie Mandel. And no nudity. Howie is quite a character. He's gone from the hyper, perm having, blowing-up-a-balloon-with-his-nose, stand up comic, to this calm, bald, game show host with his own catchphrase. Howie, do us a favor. Please. "Open the Case!" (hands in front of face, parallel to each other, and in a quick, snap-like motion to the girl).
-And the stupider the contestants they put on there, the more and more I'm glued to my TV. I hate it when stupid people fascinate me. Look Billy Bob, if you're currently a husband with three kids making $40k a year, and you're given the option to either make a deal for $99k or try for $500k, you might want to take the $99k. Do you know how well you could spice up your trailer with that kind of cake? You don't think all the hotties down at Wal-Mart will be on your jock? Please. Take the money and quit embarrassing yourself.
THE ULTIMATE COYOTE UGLY SEARCH
-Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think I'd have a reason to watch the Country Music Channel. Until now. I caught this show over the weekend. Outstanding. I mean, what heterosexual male wouldn't want to watch the tryouts for chicks trying to become the next Coyote Ugly bartender? Please. Hell, I'd watch tryouts to be the next T.G.I. Friday's waitress if it involved dancing on countertops. I'm just shocked it took this long to come up with a reality show considering that movie came out in 2000.
-And in watching this show, someone needs to help me out with something. The Fox Reality Channel this weekend was running "Forever Eden" reruns. Remember that show? I don't because I didn't really watch it. Got pulled before it was over anyway. However, there's a girl Kassie who was on that show that I swear is now a finalist on the "Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search". Someone needs to confirm this before I spend even more time scouring the internet for this information. And yes, after I find out, I will castrate myself.
New column with "American Idol", "Apprentice", "Survivor", and your emails later this week....
Reality Television Show Links
-Charlie Sheen likes porn. Kiddie porn. With boys. I mean, have you read these divorce papers that Denise Richards filed? Holy crap Charlie has got some problems. And I'm not talking about "Men at Work" with brother Emilio problems, I'm talking about the problem where laying pipe to Denise Richards nightly became boring to him so he had to go out and get hookers. For Christ Sakes Charlie, keep it in your pants. Or at least just Denise's. Another reason why I'll never understand Hollywood couples. Chad Michael Murray locks up Sophia Bush, and within then five months, he's divorced and now dropping his seed in an extra on the "One Tree Hill" set and engaged to her. I'm sure tension on that set isn't running pretty high since Chad and Sophia still have to work together. How's that taste? Un-freaking-believable.
-Now I'm sure in Charlie's case, when he allegedly signed up for his kiddie porn sites, he was all hopped up on coke and pills and God knows what else, but geez, is he that stupid? Wait. Don't answer that. I don't know what's worse, telling his pregnant wife who was bleeding in the bathroom to "wait til the plays over" because he was watching a game, or that he was placing bets with a bookie while she was being wheeled into the delivery room? Hmmmmmm...tough one. And let's not forget the numerous times he's alleged to kill her recently. Father of the Year if you ask me. Gee, you think America is going to lean towards believing Denise Richards side or Charlie Sheen? I wonder.
-I'm siding with Denise on this one. I have to admit though, I'm biased. Not because I believe everything she wrote in her restraining order papers, but just for the sole reason that she did a nude lesbian scene in "Wild Things" with Neve Campbell. Twice. Nude scenes go a long way with guys in case you didn't know. Where can I purchase a "Team Denise" shirt? And this is a smear campaign, Charlie? Ummmm why? Why would she just make all this stuff up? We've never had any reason to believe Denise is crazy and you, on the other hand, have always been a pill popping, gambling, hooker addict. Have fun never seeing your kids again without a police escort Charles. Anyone interested in reading Denise's complete report, go to www.thesmokinggun.com. Its definitely worth 10 minutes of your life to read the whole thing.
-Since I've once in a while professed to be all-knowing when it comes to women, one of our readers decided to send me a recent article in Maxim Magazine entitled "100 Things You Need to Know About Women". Here's the link....
http://www.maximonline.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=6781
So, I read it from #100 down to #1 and realized I pretty much knew all of this already, but there were a couple that stood out. Here are some....
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world. - This I didn't know. Although, I haven't worn underwear since high school. I'm a boxer guy. I guess I can cross one more off the "Reality Steve Fact" list.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean. - Gee, if only someone would've told me this sooner. That explains it all then.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends. - This definitely applies to me. I still have most notes, cards, and letters from high school.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.” - Oh please. We'll call when we feel like calling. If you like us, you like us. If you don't, you don't. Don't give me "wait 3 days" B.S. I ain't buying it. Then again, maybe that's why I'm single.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.” -Been there, done that. And if there hasn't been kissing within the first two dates, then we probably don't want to be with you anyway.
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions. - Yet another thing I have a hard time comprehending about women. There's a reason golf was invented and it takes four hours to play.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps. - Pretty much speaks for itself.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta! - Eight? That's it? That's gotta be wrong, doesn't it? I'd be shocked to know that the average grown woman only owns eight bras. You should own eight just from Victoria's or Fredericks alone. This better not be true.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you. - Would it be asking too much to let me know which one?
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps. - Great. Makes me feel that much better that I'm a chump. Boooooooooo.
11. She likes one of your friends. -She damn well better not. "But Steve, earlier you wanted to know..." Shutup. I know what I said. But that's not important right now. She better not want one of my friends or there will be problems.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last. - Women are crazy. This is what goes through your mind when your mildly interested in us? Let's just say men's thoughts are completely different. We're thinking more along the lines of what color our bedroom together should look like and what you'd like for that first dinner we cook for you. Or something like that.
DEAL OR NO DEAL
-Is it possible to become stupider the more you watch a television show? Well, it is now. You know what the only problem is? I find myself physically unable to turn away from this show. It's like "Bikini Airlines" on Skinemax. But with Howie Mandel. And no nudity. Howie is quite a character. He's gone from the hyper, perm having, blowing-up-a-balloon-with-his-nose, stand up comic, to this calm, bald, game show host with his own catchphrase. Howie, do us a favor. Please. "Open the Case!" (hands in front of face, parallel to each other, and in a quick, snap-like motion to the girl).
-And the stupider the contestants they put on there, the more and more I'm glued to my TV. I hate it when stupid people fascinate me. Look Billy Bob, if you're currently a husband with three kids making $40k a year, and you're given the option to either make a deal for $99k or try for $500k, you might want to take the $99k. Do you know how well you could spice up your trailer with that kind of cake? You don't think all the hotties down at Wal-Mart will be on your jock? Please. Take the money and quit embarrassing yourself.
THE ULTIMATE COYOTE UGLY SEARCH
-Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think I'd have a reason to watch the Country Music Channel. Until now. I caught this show over the weekend. Outstanding. I mean, what heterosexual male wouldn't want to watch the tryouts for chicks trying to become the next Coyote Ugly bartender? Please. Hell, I'd watch tryouts to be the next T.G.I. Friday's waitress if it involved dancing on countertops. I'm just shocked it took this long to come up with a reality show considering that movie came out in 2000.
-And in watching this show, someone needs to help me out with something. The Fox Reality Channel this weekend was running "Forever Eden" reruns. Remember that show? I don't because I didn't really watch it. Got pulled before it was over anyway. However, there's a girl Kassie who was on that show that I swear is now a finalist on the "Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search". Someone needs to confirm this before I spend even more time scouring the internet for this information. And yes, after I find out, I will castrate myself.
New column with "American Idol", "Apprentice", "Survivor", and your emails later this week....
Reality Television Show Links
posted by reality steve at 1:57 PM
11 Comments:
Steve you need to be watching top chef on bravo.
I don't know if Charlie Sheen is a dirtbag but Denise Richards is the idiot who married him..poor kids.
Hey Steve, just wanted to let you know that I am still a big fan of yours. I've been reading your columns for at least a year now and I used to e-mail you from my old job, but my new job has tighter restrictions so I've just been reading & not commenting. I think you are so funny and really should have your own sit-com (kind of "Seinfeld-esque" or something). I want to see you succeed because you are so funny & talented. Take care & God bless!
Your loyal fan,
Beth J.
San Diego
Sorry it took so long to let you in on the secret...she is the same Kassie from Forever Eden. She also made the semi-finals for Nashville Star.
Steve - you continue to be one of my favorite reads!
Smack-off on Friday 5/5. Mix in some of the Charlie Sheen smack, looking forward to your call.
Aren't all clones retarded?
Waiting... waiting ... waiting for an update! Steve what's taking you so long? Can't wait to hear updates on AI and the Mcfever wardrobe malfunction.
Where are you Steve?!?! Can't wait to read your next update!!
Have a great week!!
When Steve says "later this week" what he really means is "later this month" lol!
steve must be sick with a "McFever".....
Or he's giving himself a McHandJob while watching the wardrobe malfunction on loop.
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