REALITY ROUNDUP - 5/30/06

So I said the column would be up Friday, and its Tuesday. I apologize. It’s not as easy as it seems, you know. Sitting down in front of a computer and typing. Hard work. It’s good thing I did it today with the birthday happening tomorrow. Definitely wouldn’t have done any work on the anniversary of me arriving on this earth. Should I be the least bit excited that I’m gonna be 31 on the 31st? Does that mean anything? I’ve never really been big on birthdays, especially my own. I honestly don’t think I’ve celebrated one birthday any differently than I celebrated others. But 31 on the 31st? Is there anything to that? Yeah, didn’t think so. Anyway, A LOT of “Idol” stuff to get to.

AMERICAN IDOL

-Of all the finales over the past few weeks, I can honestly say that “Idol” probably had the best one. “24” was solid as usual, but nothing that really blew your socks off. Kind of expected that. And “Lost” was typical “Lost”: answer a couple questions and pose 50 more. I don’t want to say “Lost” has jumped the shark, but right now it’s straddling its back and holding onto the fin. But where do you begin with the “Idol” finale? There were at least three “holy-crap-I-can’t-believe-I-just-saw-that” moments all in one show.

-Moment #1: The Clay Aiken Spectacle. I think that might’ve been my favorite moment. No, not that the Clay wannabe almost wet himself on national television when his idol walked on stage and started singing behind him, but that the real Clay had one of the worst do’s I think I’ve ever seen. What made that so crazy was of all the popular “Idol’s” over the years, you’ve probably heard the least from Clay. I mean, Kelly Clarkson is everywhere, I saw Reuben on an episode of “Sesame Street” singing the “ABC’s”, Fantasia wrote a book and is doing a movie about her life, and Carrie won a Country Music Award. Clay has kinda kept a low profile and you never really see him anywhere. Except on certain X-rated websites, but we won't bring that up. Then all the sudden he shows up on stage and scares the piss out of his stalker all the while looking like Garth Brooks’ alter ego, Chris Gaines.

-When they first asked that goon to start singing, I was like, “They can’t possibly let this go on for three minutes can they?” Then to practically see him have an aneurysm once Clay appeared, that had to be one of the top five moments on TV this season. Funny how they left his microphone on for maybe about 20 seconds after Clay appeared then basically told him, “Uhhhhh…have a seat, quit singing, and let Clay take over you gnome.”

-Moment #2: The Meatloaf is Shaking. What the hell was that? What was wrong with that guy? Did that whole performance not creep you out? I actually thought he was going to molest Katharine on stage. Apparently I’m not the only one who was completely horrified by what I saw. I read that Meatloaf was crying after the performance because he realized he was so bad and that he suffers from stage fright. Yeah, I can tell. Might not be a good idea to send a fat guy up onstage if he has stage fright. Just a thought. I’m still trying to figure out who’s creepier, Meatloaf or Katharine’s boyfriend? More on that later.

-Moment #3: $@%&^! Isn’t that Prince’s symbol? What does he call himself nowadays? Only Prince could pull off what he did last Wednesday. They kept it quiet all season, Seacrest Out doesn’t even announce him, Prince just walks out on stage, does his performance, then leaves. Thank you and goodnight. And he probably got at least $1 million for that performance. Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s more. Did you see the article on “Idol” in “Rolling Stone” a couple months ago. We all knew that show was a cash cow, but good lord, that show could carry the Fox Network if it was the only show they had. The article said it made Fox $900 million. And that was LAST season! This season had the best ratings to date.

-If I may, let’s break this down for a second. $900 million dollars. You’re not paying any of the contestants, and I’m guessing the cost of the show is rather cheap compared to a popular sitcom. So say Simon gets about $25 million a season, Seacrest Out gets $10 mil, Randy gets $10 mil and Paula gets $5 mil. This is all speculation of course, but that’s $50 million right there. Gee, that only leaves $850 million for the directors, producers, band, and stage crew. And even if you double Simon, Randy, Paula, and Seacrest Outs figures, that’s still $800 million left over. Why don’t they just start printing currency with Taylor Hicks on the $20 bill? Andrew Jackson has nothing on him.

-Speaking of Taylor, I’ve honestly been pondering this all weekend since his victory. I was gonna ask some family members, or even some friends, but I figured I would just ask my reading audience since I think you’ll probably be the most honest with me. For four days I’ve been anxious to hear what your answer would be. I’m not ashamed at all to ask you people, especially since I think you’ll be honest and sincere with your answer. Let’s hope. So here it goes: Do I make you proud?

-Moment #4: The Hoff. This might’ve stolen the show all on its own, and it only lasted about three seconds. If you can find me anything funnier than David Hasselhoff, on his feet, clapping and crying hysterically after Taylor’s win, I’d like to hear about it. I didn’t make the correlation righty away since I was wondering what the hell he was doing there in the first place, then it hit me. The Hoff is a judge on Simon Cowell’s “America’s Got Talent” show that starts in a couple weeks. Wait a second. I just found something funnier than Hoff crying hysterically after Taylor’s win. The Hoff judging something called “America’s Got Talent.”

-When you think of the most popular collaborations in music, who comes to mind? Maybe Nat King Cole and his daughter on “Unforgettable”? Aerosmith and Run DMC in “Walk This Way”? Gwen Stefani and Eve? Pharrell and anybody? Madonna and Britney? By no means am I discrediting any of those fabulous duos, but I think a new one has just emerged as a force to be reckoned with in the music industry. And it went down last Wednesday night at the Kodak Theatre. Two people. Brought together. Magic happened. The rest, my friends, is history. Elliot Yamin and Mary J. Blige. Need I say more?

-And why can Taylor Hicks sing about five different songs live on the finale, but Toni Braxton couldn’t put on a worse lip synching performance if she tried? Where did that come from? Even Ashlee Simpson and her new nose was at home saying, “Damn. That was horrible.” I’m surprised Taylor and Katharine had any pipes left by the end of the show considering how many songs they sang over the course of two hours. And Toni couldn’t give us three minutes live? Thanks for nothing.

-Someone might want to tell Dionne Warwick that she needs to revamp the Psychic Friends Network since her singing career is over. Holy crap. When did she learn not to sing? That was horrible. Apparently that’s not what friends are for because any good friend of hers would’ve told her not to go embarrass herself on “American Idol”. I can’t believe none of her imaginary friends didn’t tell her this beforehand.

-I must admit, I did get a little teary eyed during the “Time of My Life” performance. Ahhhhhh….the memories. I believe I mentioned this before, but I won the Lip Sync Contest in 7th grade performing that song. Half man, half woman. I killed. Which I then followed up with a victory as President of the school a week later. I destroyed Jenny McCullough. Wasn’t even close. And yes, that might’ve been eighteen years ago, but dammit, a shining moment nonetheless.

-Yes, Katharine McPhee has a boyfriend. And yes, he’s 41 years old. Is anyone else not completely disturbed by this? Katharine made the rounds on Access Hollywood/Extra/The Insider/Entertainment Tonight on Thursday and finally admitted to having a boyfriend. He’s been sitting with the family a couple times and she gave him a hug on her hometown visit when everyone was hanging out in her driveway. Whoa. This bothers me. For as involved as those parents are with her career, I’m shocked they don’t see anything wrong with her boyfriend that could be her dad. And not because I’m biased and, well, I’d like to take Katharine McPhee to Chili’s one time, but because this apparently is ok with crying dad.. By the way, how does a 41 year old even meet someone who’s 22, let alone date her? Granted, this guy is probably some agent, or acting/theater coach (which makes it even more creepy), but still it’s quite disturbing. I honestly don’t think Katharine went dancing with her friends one night, saw this dork at the bar and all the sudden they were dating. Something’s missing here. I don’t care who you are, no 22 year old is with a 41 year old because she’s in love. Please.

-Pretty funny how it was kept quiet throughout the whole show that she had a boyfriend. Not by coincidence either. They knew the minute it got out she was dating a 41 year old, she immediately loses fans and votes. As a guy, let me explain how this works: It’s like when the guys go out for drinks at Hooters. Even though we know the waitress isn’t going home with us, just the idea that she might be available makes her that much more appealing. Same with strippers. The minute we find out the hot stripper has a boyfriend, or the ditzy blonde with the tight orange shorts at Hooters isn’t single, they no doubt lose their appeal. It’s human nature. “American Idol” lasted five months on television. Not once did Seacrest Out bring up the fact that Katharine had a sugar daddy, yet the day after the competition ends, she’s telling every camera person who asks that she has a boyfriend. Like I said, not by coincidence.

-One last point on Ms. McPhee. Funny how I watched the show every week yet didn’t realize how much weight she lost from the beginning of the season. Had to be at least 20 lbs. Oooooohhhh that’s it. Maybe it’s her personal trainer that she’s boinking. Could be another possibility. Or someone from the Church of Scientology. Maybe she doesn’t even like this guy and she was just contracted to him like Katie was to Tom. Or something like that.

APPRENTICE

-I watch every week, yet I’ve completely lost all interest in this show. If that makes any sense. Lee or Sean? Sean or Lee? I mean, does it really matter? I could see either of them winning and at no point will I get excited. It’s gotten to the point where the casting of this show has gotten ridiculous. You can’t tell me these are the eighteen most qualified applicants in all of America. Case in point: Brent. How that spaz is a lawyer is beyond me. But you’re gonna try and convince me he deserved to be on this show? The minute he wasn’t kicked out of the first boardroom the minute he opened his mouth was the minute the show lost all credibility. Complete disgrace.

-So they’re holding the live finale next Monday in L.A. so that it can get people fired up for “Apprentice 6”, which they’re gonna film out here. Great. If you thought they casted based on looks and who’ll make for more entertaining television before, just wait til’ season 6 rolls around. The over/under next season for “entrepreneurs” based out of L.A. is about five. Maybe six. Good thing this show is taking six months off. And moving to Sunday nights. Definitely on its last legs.

-How many Wharton School of Business people do you think will be on next season? Three? Four? I think at graduation this year at Wharton, not only are you handed your diploma, you’re handed an application for this show. Can we get more Ivanka next season? And how come we get Bill Rancic in the boardroom at least three or four times this year, but no Kelly, Kendra, or Randall? Any explanation for this? Kelly was season two and he hasn’t appeared since then. I can understand Randall just because he’s still fairly new, but please. Give us a Kendra/Ivanka boardroom. See, I’m all for women’s rights.

LOST

Here are just a few of the questions I have regarding the finale. Just a few:

-Are Locke and Eko alive?
-Is Desmond alive?
-If they're not, how did Charlie survive and not them?
-If they are alive, did the hatch blow up, or when Desmond turned the key, did he just shut the hatch down?
-If the hatch didn't blow up, then how did the Quarantine door fly all the way back to where the campers were?
-Who were the guys in the North Pole or wherever they were?
-How long have they been tracking whatever they've been tracking?
-How come none of the castaways bothered to ask, "Hey, what the hell was that giant shining light and humongous sound we just heard?"
-Why didn’t Charlie tell Claire about what happened in the hatch?
-What was the look that Charlie gave Kate? Was Sawyer in on that look, or was he just looking at Jack and Kate while they looked at each other?
-Why did the Others demand Hurley, Jack, Kate, and Sawyer then after doing nothing to them, send Hurley back to camp?
-Why would Desmond’s girlfriends father go to such great lengths just to keep him away from his daughter? Is it that important Desmond doesn’t see her?
-Why was Desmond in jail in the first place?

I could go on, but I’m already sick to my stomach. Glad we watched a whole season and really only got resolution on two things: How the plane went down and would Michael get Walt back. Thanks for nothing.

-Email of the Week: This comes from Maigan….

Steve,
I read you during the bachelor and am glad to see you back at work. Maybe you have been all along… sorry....Your AI recaps are hilarious, and love the Maxim article.
Good luck with the ladies out there in LA. And yes, we don’t have that many bras. They’re $50 each at Vickis… show me a girl that would rather spend the money on a bra than save it for a pair of hot jeans or shoes.

Never really thought of it that way. I guess jeans and shoes would be more important since they are seen more often. But I still think most women own more than eight bras. See, your email doesn’t have to be a question. It can just be an email praising me even though I never put up a column when I say I’m going to. So if you have any questions, comments, criticisms, praises, inquiries, birthday poems, or would like to purchase Katharine McPhee’s single for me, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com and maybe your email will be in the next “Reality Roundup”. Whenever that may be.

-"Reality Steve Fact”: I have a subscription to four magazines: ESPN, Maxim, Stuff, and US Weekly. Very diverse, I know.

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