"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 10/16/06
-Slowly but surely, I’m actually beginning to like this season. Not because I particularly care for the Prince, because I don’t. And not because I particularly care for the group of girls. A couple I like, but none of them blow me away. And will this season ever top the Charlie O’Connell season? No way. But for my entertainment dollar, this season is right up there with the best of them. Hate her, loathe her, despise her, whatever, Erica sure is entertaining to watch. Sad, pathetic, and a complete and utter mess, but she’s definitely fun to watch. She’s definitely the Trish the Stalker from Jesse’s season revisited. No doubt. Smart of ABC not to let her get away. She’s just a bundle of fun to deal with on a weekly basis. Yippeeeeeeeeee!!! Let’s begin….
-The introduction replayed P-Zo’s kiss with Ahn-YAY-zay from last week. Holy smokes. I didn’t think it could get worse the 2nd time around. But it did. And judging by what we see later on this episode with Lorenzo and his Mouth of Horror, this guy is a complete disaster when it comes to performing the easiest physical contact between a man and woman. I’ve never once boasted about my sexual exploits in the three or four years I’ve written this column. Not once. That is, until now. I can kiss. I take pride in it. It’s important to me, and if I’m not compatible kissing someone, it will never last. With that said, apparently Prince Spaz doesn’t feel the same as me. This guy is a complete zero the minute he opens his mouth and goes in for the slobber. You see Lorenzo, what you need to do is this. Look her in the eyes, gently tilt……
-Now that I’ve pulled a muscle patting myself on the back, let’s return to a bit of normalcy. Tonight’s three dates will work as follows: One group date, one solo date, and one 2-on-1 date, or, the menage-a-tois’ as I’d like to call it. I don’t think I spelled that right either. Oh well. The solo date is up first. So who’s deciding this? Some wrinkly old prune who sings opera. Arima Infantio is her name and I’m sure I butchered the spelling. She’s a world renown opera teacher in Italy, and whichever girl performs the best opera will get the solo date. So we get to hear them all practicing their opera singing. Let’s just say my neighbors told me to turn my TV down because their dogs began howling. And puking. Holy crap that was terrible. I mean, I didn’t expect these girls to be Macaroni Grill material by any means, but Good Lord, could someone carry a note for more than two seconds? In a word? No. They couldn’t. And we all suffered as a listening audience because of it. But I did save the episode on my TiVo in case I want to torture someone later in life.
-Jami ends up being the winner somehow so she gets the solo date. I guess she sucked the least out of the nine women. Which was a bit surprising considering that country bumpkin’s music talents to date have probably consisted of blowing into a jug or banging on some glasses with a spoon. Props to her for rising to the occasion and belting out some sweet opera tunes that only Lorenzo, and I mean ONLY Lorenzo, would want to hear. In addition, Jami gets to wear the $2 million worth of jewelry for the evening. That country girl was in total disbelief she got to go out and get dressed up like a Princess. Now, I could make a joke about how she had more money around her neck than the combined incomes of the citizens of Galveston, Texas. But I won’t.
-Commercial. They’re down to the final five couples on “Dancing With the Stars”. I should probably save this for the next “Reality Roundup” column, but God knows when that’ll be. We’re down to five, not six, because in case you haven’t heard, Sara Evans filed for divorce from her husband last Thursday, then proceeded to drop out of the competition during this difficult time. Which is perfectly acceptable, I guess. I’ve never gone through a divorce. In her divorce papers, she accused her husband of “keeping a stash of pornography on his home computer, including pictures of him having sex with other women”, “posting personal ads on Craigslist.com seeking partners for a*** and three-party sex;” and last but certainly not least, “watching porn while the couple's kids were around.” Wow. Hell of a guy. That’s “Father of the Year” material there. And she’s leaving him because……? Hey, us guys have our needs. The guy likes his porn, what can I say? Cut him some slack. I hope she takes this sick pig to the cleaners. But I’ll be sad I won’t get to see Tony Dobalati dance anymore.
-Lorenzo comes to pick Jami up in his best limousine driver attire. Who does he think he is, Lloyd Christmas? Bonus points to anyone who got that reference. Nice suit, you pud. Throw on a pilot’s hat and I could’ve sworn she would’ve tipped you when you got out of the limo. And have you noticed that the Prince has very rat-like facial features? I bet you if one of these girls showed up on the date with a block of cheese, this guy would go ape sh**. Probably guarantees you a rose. How did no one think of this? And why did it take me three episodes to see he resembled a rodent?
-So Rat Boy asks Jami to perform opera for him since he didn’t get to hear it back at the house. Oh God no. Please. For the love of all children, do we have to hear this again? It was bad enough the first time around. I can’t imagine she’s improved in the last few hours, has she? Here she goes…… “LaaaaaaaLaaaa so todo mas de sti aaaaaaaaahhhhhh…..” Nope. She hasn’t. And I just had a brain aneurysm. I’ll be o.k. But apparently the Prince didn’t. P-Lo: “That was the best opera I have ever seen.” Shut the hell up. Look, I know the girl was pretty brave to show off her car screeching voice, but please, do we really need the fake show of support for her? I mean seriously. Couldn’t he have just let her down with a, “Hey, that was dandy. Just don’t quit your day job” line?
-So as he’s pretending to be interested in asking her about her family, the curtains open and it’s…..why it’s….no, it can’t be! Yes, it is! It’s Vittorino!!!!! Yeah, uhhhh, who’s he? Whatever. Anyway, P-Zo’ and Jami get up to slow dance to Vittorino’s song. I have no idea what he was singing. I just know what song it should‘ve been. “Open Arms.” Why? Because that’s my favorite slow song of all-time. And not the Elliot Yamin version sung last year when it was down to the final three. Not to say he butchered the song, but ummm….well….he butchered the song. Forgot the lyrics and totally off key. And no, not the version that Bachelor Bob sang back in Season 4. Remember that? I almost threw my remote listening to him hack up my all-time favorite. No, I’m talking about Steve Perry from Journey singing it. Vittorino was singing some crap Italian opera B.S. How about American-izing it, huh pal? You can’t beat “Open Arms” by Journey. Nope. Sorry. Can’t be done. And that is the last I reveal about my gayness. See that football game last night? Hell of a game, hell of a game. What a comeback. Manly sport. Gotta love it. I’m gonna go eat a box of thumb tacks.
-Prince Rat’s reaction to the slow dance: “It was incredibly romantic. I’m just not sure if the physical chemistry is there.” Uh oh. Never a good sign. Any time physical chemistry is questioned, you can bet your sweet ass someone is going home. His Royal Rat-ness then lowers the boom. “The whole time we were dancing, I was thinking how incredibly romantic this night was. But I also felt like I was dancing with my best friend…..I’m sorry. I can’t give you that rose.” Whoa. Look, I know I’ve cracked on Jami for being, well, a redneck. But even I felt bad for her after that. That had to be the biggest letdown in the history of letdowns. Times ten. You dress up little Ms small town girl in $2 million dollar worth of jewelry, take her on a romantic opera date, then kick her to the curb by giving her the ol’ “I see you as a friend” line? OOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHH. That took some balls. He must’ve borrowed someone else’s for the night. Jami is devastated. “My ego and pride are crushed….I’m in shock…..I’m very disappointed….I never thought for a second I wouldn’t be getting that rose tonight.” Yeah, I hear ya, sweetie. Sorry. There’s a bottle of moonshine waiting for you in the limo. Peace out.
-Next up is the group date to Tuscany. I don’t know where Tuscany is. But I’m sure the Borghese family owns half of it. Or has a sign in the park where they donated a water fountain or something. Jeannette pulls him away from the other girls so he can be nauseated by her accent. “I cay-yem here with da’ hope that you’d be sumthin’ special and unique.” He tells her he likes the fact that she’s hard to read. They apparently have a really intellectual conversation that didn’t involved brats, the Cubs, Da’ Bears, or the Sears Tower. There are other things in Chicago, I realize this, but those were the first four that popped into my head. The Bulls. Bill Rancic. Jen Schefft. Steve Bartman. Polish sausage. I could go on……
-Lisa is one of the ladies on the group date and she expresses that she doesn’t think Rat face will think this group date is romantic. “I think my one-on-one date with him was romantic. What’s romantic about being with six ladies on one date.” I’m with her on that one. There isn’t a damn thing romantic about that. But there could be something really kinky about it if you all could convince Sadie to rip off that Masterlock she has on under her skirt. Damn her. Whatever the case, this type of elitist attitude draws the ire of Desiree. And lord knows when Desiree’s blood gets pumping, ummmm, her breasts become even with her elbows.
-Back at the house, the last package arrives for Erica and Ahn-YAY-zay’s menage-a-tois’ date. Erica loves to continuously call Ahn-YAY-zay, “AG-ness.” Beautiful. Very respectful. So she reads what the card says to Agnes. Very slowly. Prince Rat made this as simple as possible. “One Rose, One Stays, One Goes.” Of course, Agnes is completely flummoxed by the card. Erica, in her simplest form, tries to explain that one of them is getting a rose, and the other will be going home. I think Agnes understood that part because Erica responded with, “I don’t think so, bitch.” Classy. There’s really no possible way I can gain anything from watching this show. Not a chance in hell.
-Commercial. Uh oh. It’s the H.P.V. commercial again. Safe to say they haven’t found a cure in the last week? That sucks. Cancer anywhere sucks. Cancer in your nether regions as a female must REALLY suck. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Gonorrhea maybe. But H.P.V.? No thanks. Although the way the kids on “Laguna Beach” pass each other around, I’m sure there’s a nice case of that going around down in the L.B. I’ll give you one hint as to who might have it. You only get one. And it’s gonna be a vague one because you don’t necessarily want to throw this out there, especially if it’s not true. She’s a slut. Talk amongst yourselves.
-It’s time for Sadie to pull Prince Rodent the Rat aside to drop the bomb on him. Sadie has quite the Cindy Brady lisp going, doesn’t she? Wow. I vaguely noticed it last week, but its out in full force tonight. Take a deep breath. Aaaaaaannnd go….Sadie: “I’m ssssssso ssssssserious about relationshipssssss and marriage that I’m actually sssssssaving mysssssself for marriage. I hope that doessssssssn’t affect you in any way.” A wide angle shot of these two sitting down showed Prince Rat Zo’ losing his hard on. Definitely a mood killer. But he pretended like it wasn’t. Ratty: “It does show me your values….I wouldn’t have expected that.” Translation: Goddammit! Why do the producers always have to throw one of these girls in here every season? Especially the hot one. The Prince of Rats tells us he’s never dated a virgin before. Shocking considering you certainly kiss like you’re the virgin.
-And for his first victim, he pulls Lisa away from the group for no other reason than……to kiss her. Prince: “I wanted to tell you I had a great time on our date the other night and I hope you did too. I also wanted to ask if you if I could kiss you. And if you could spare me a piece of bread and a slice of cheese, that’d be much appreciated as well.” So he pulled the girl away to ask if he could kiss her? This guy is a weenie. And what a brutal first kiss. Just absolutely nothing remotely suave or normal about it. He’s a complete spaz and I can’t believe Lisa comments afterwards that her timeline of marriage and kids by 30 is “right on track.” And by “right on track”, I think she means “spiraling towards divorce if I end up with this gnome.”
-Back at the mansion, Erica tells us that she is the only one in the house that connects with Agnes. Why? Well, it’s because she “speaks English with an Italian accent. So she understands me.” You are retarded, Erica. Really. You are. What are you talking about? That’s an Italian accent? Really? Could’ve fooled me. And I’m guessing if we brought old prune lady from the beginning of the show, along with Vittorino, back to judge your Italian, you might get laughed off the show. You know who had the Italian accent? Jami. Now that girl had some culture to her. Her Italian blows away whatever you’re claiming is yours.
-After the group date enters the pool in their bikinis and the Rat gets his hard on back, it’s time to go upstairs for a little Truth or Dare. This is always fun. And never awkward. Someone dared Desiree to put a grape in her mouth and have Rat Boy nibble it out of there. Yeah, like she even thought twice about that one. I’m surprised she didn’t insert the grape….forget it. Moving on, Jen was dared to do a body shot off the Rat’s furry patched stomach. She did. I hurled. So then it’s the Amazing Rat’s turn, and he asked for a Truth. Cindy Brady asks the question: “What girlssssss in the houssssssse have you kissssssssssssed?” Mr. Slick had to think on his feet about this one. He totally pussed out and said, “I’ve kissed every one of you.” It’s still considered lying if you’re withholding the truth to spare someone’s feelings, right? Right? No seriously, I need an answer on this. Like, immediately. I want to make sure she understands that withholding the truth is a form of lying. Don’t get me started.
-The next morning, the Rat runs out on the balcony with Jen to ask about her teaching career. And to plant yet his third awkward kiss of the season on someone. Look, I can’t describe how bad these things are, you just have to witness it for yourself. So if you watched the show, which I’m assuming most of you did, you saw. You know what I’m talking about. This dweeb literally is a spaz every time he gets next to a girls lips. It’s incomprehensible, really. I don’t know whether to laugh, make fun, or feel sorry for the guy. I’ll just laugh, I guess. And make fun. No need to feel sorry for a grown man who has no idea how to insert his tongue into a woman’s mouth without completely ‘tarding out.
-Commercial. Holy crap, now there’s the “First Response Pregnancy Test”? What? This woman starts out the commercial by saying, “What if you could find out you’re pregnant the moment it happens?” Great. With my luck, the day that happens will probably be the day my condom breaks. Anyway, apparently this pregnancy test can detect 5 days before your missed period. Wait, huh? What is it detecting? If you don’t know you’re having a missed period since that missed period hasn’t happened yet, what is it notifying you of 5 days beforehand? That your pregnant? How does it know this? Is it on one of those blue fun sticks? Or is it pink? I’m totally confused, my brain is hurting, and it’s 3:00 in the morning. Let’s move on.
-Our last date is the menage-a-tois’ with Erica and Ahn-YAY-zay. But Erica steals the show. Erica: “Agnes is the least attractive girl in the house. I don’t think she’s princess material…..He definitely needs me. No one else here could do the job.” What job? Ooooooooohhhhh, that job. Gotcha. How could I be so stupid? You’re a pro at that. I forgot. My bad. What do you think Erica’s sex tape is titled, by the way? “Princess Does Houston”? “The Socialites Sexual Experiment?” “Saving Ryan’s Privates”? Sorry. That title always makes me laugh.
-Erica on her competition: “Agnes is a golddigger…He can find a girl like Jen anywhere….Sadie is a virgin. Ok, maybe that’s a little bit rare….and a girl like Lisa is one notch up from that….and then I’m like seven notches up from that.” Why only seven notches? And what constitutes a “notch” on your ever-so-important scale? I think Erica blows away Trish as the scariest, most delusional person they’ve had on this show. But it’s damn sure entertaining. I could listen to her nonsense all day.
-Oh yeah, she’s not done. “I’d like for him to give me a rose, then after that, stop being such a dumbass. And, like, start showing some interest in me.” How about we do this? How about you just keep rambling on about yourself, and your privileged life, and how many maids you have, and how Rome isn’t a novelty to you like it is to these girls, and how you probably had Agnes make your bed for you, and while you’re doing that, I’m gonna go climb to the top of the Roman Coliseum, then jump to my death. Deal? You are a true delight, Erica.
-So Prince Rat has to give one of these women a rose. He chose to give it to the only sane girl of the two. Granted, she barely speaks English, she probably still doesn’t even know she’s on a TV show, and she has about as much in common with the Prince as Sadie does with a penis. Man, Erica lost out on a rose to THAT girl. You just know the Prince must’ve felt she was about twelve sandwiches short of a picnic if he gave a rose to Agnes over her. If he were to rank the remaining six girls in order of who he’d like to spend the rest of his life with, Agnes would finish 100th. So you can imagine what he thinks of Erica. I cannot wait until the “Women Tell All” episode. They might as well just make it a one-woman show. Like I care what comes out of any of the other girls mouths. Erica needs her own reality show, like, yesterday. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch, because you would. We all would.
-So as he’s walking Erica to the limo, she’s sobbing hysterically about him letting her go. I don’t think he’s even paying attention and is practically shoving her head into the limo so she’ll leave right away. But not so fast, she rolls down the window to talk to him even more. “You’re making a big mistake.” Rat Borghese: “I have no idea who I’m getting with you.” Erica: “You’re getting me.” Back and forth this went. And as you could tell, it accomplished absolutely nothing. Erica in the limo: “I thought if I met someone who came from the same background, they wouldn’t judge me but he did…..waaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!” Is she crying or laughing? I can never tell with her. I know I’m laughing. Til it hurts. Erica hopes someday she can find her equal. Schnookums, I don’t know how to tell you this, but there ain’t a guy on this planet that’s your equal. I see a lot of one night stands in your future. And in your past, I’m sure. Pencil me in for one though if you have time.
-P-Lo and Agnes watch fireworks go off from the balcony of his mansion, and Agnes becomes a double victim of the Borghese Mouth Rape. This is the second time he’s kissed her and we all remember the nightmare that was the first time. This one was equally as horrific since he jammed his tongue down her throat and did so with a motion and awkwardness that only someone with no top lip and a royal stature like he has could comprehend. I wonder if the Prince thinks he’s just the cat’s meow when it comes to the ladies. Something tells me he does. And something tells me he’s in for a rude awakening when someone finally tells him he’s not. Or he could just read www.realitysteve.com. Then he’ll know. Dude, Rico Suave you are not.
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Lo’s speech really was lame. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember it being lame. Jeannette and Agnes already have roses. So four of the five ladies are getting one.
Sadie: Sssssssadie ssssssellssssss ssssseassssshellsssss by the ssssseasssssshore.
Lisa: Yeah, like she wasn’t gonna get one. He pulled her aside to ask for her tongue to play with.
Jen: No surprise that the three girls he just gave roses to are the three girls who’ve previously received roses.
“Ladies, Lorenzo….this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready, I’ll be over here shaking my head when you choose Desiree.”
Desiree: “I never thought a rose would mean so much, baby”. It doesn’t. You’re gone next week anyway, honey baby sweetie.
-So who didn’t get a rose? Gina. I know. The girl that makes faces at everyone. Go figure. You know what? Gina is actually pretty cute. But since they only showed with her bitter beer face on for the first three episodes, I guess we wouldn’t have known that. She’s really cute. I like her a lot. Man, it sucks to see her go. I would‘ve liked to see her stick around a bit longer. Dammit. Why‘d you let her go? “I don’t know what he saw in them that he didn’t see in me. I would’ve given my everything to him….my life, my children…” Forget it. She’s crazy.
-Next week is where Mr. Tonguey McTonguester starts really getting it on with all the women. We even see him and Sadie going at it hot and heavy to the point where maybe, just maybe, we might see our first de-flowering in the show’s history. That would be a TV moment for the ages. One can only dream. Until next week……
The Bachelor Links
-The introduction replayed P-Zo’s kiss with Ahn-YAY-zay from last week. Holy smokes. I didn’t think it could get worse the 2nd time around. But it did. And judging by what we see later on this episode with Lorenzo and his Mouth of Horror, this guy is a complete disaster when it comes to performing the easiest physical contact between a man and woman. I’ve never once boasted about my sexual exploits in the three or four years I’ve written this column. Not once. That is, until now. I can kiss. I take pride in it. It’s important to me, and if I’m not compatible kissing someone, it will never last. With that said, apparently Prince Spaz doesn’t feel the same as me. This guy is a complete zero the minute he opens his mouth and goes in for the slobber. You see Lorenzo, what you need to do is this. Look her in the eyes, gently tilt……
-Now that I’ve pulled a muscle patting myself on the back, let’s return to a bit of normalcy. Tonight’s three dates will work as follows: One group date, one solo date, and one 2-on-1 date, or, the menage-a-tois’ as I’d like to call it. I don’t think I spelled that right either. Oh well. The solo date is up first. So who’s deciding this? Some wrinkly old prune who sings opera. Arima Infantio is her name and I’m sure I butchered the spelling. She’s a world renown opera teacher in Italy, and whichever girl performs the best opera will get the solo date. So we get to hear them all practicing their opera singing. Let’s just say my neighbors told me to turn my TV down because their dogs began howling. And puking. Holy crap that was terrible. I mean, I didn’t expect these girls to be Macaroni Grill material by any means, but Good Lord, could someone carry a note for more than two seconds? In a word? No. They couldn’t. And we all suffered as a listening audience because of it. But I did save the episode on my TiVo in case I want to torture someone later in life.
-Jami ends up being the winner somehow so she gets the solo date. I guess she sucked the least out of the nine women. Which was a bit surprising considering that country bumpkin’s music talents to date have probably consisted of blowing into a jug or banging on some glasses with a spoon. Props to her for rising to the occasion and belting out some sweet opera tunes that only Lorenzo, and I mean ONLY Lorenzo, would want to hear. In addition, Jami gets to wear the $2 million worth of jewelry for the evening. That country girl was in total disbelief she got to go out and get dressed up like a Princess. Now, I could make a joke about how she had more money around her neck than the combined incomes of the citizens of Galveston, Texas. But I won’t.
-Commercial. They’re down to the final five couples on “Dancing With the Stars”. I should probably save this for the next “Reality Roundup” column, but God knows when that’ll be. We’re down to five, not six, because in case you haven’t heard, Sara Evans filed for divorce from her husband last Thursday, then proceeded to drop out of the competition during this difficult time. Which is perfectly acceptable, I guess. I’ve never gone through a divorce. In her divorce papers, she accused her husband of “keeping a stash of pornography on his home computer, including pictures of him having sex with other women”, “posting personal ads on Craigslist.com seeking partners for a*** and three-party sex;” and last but certainly not least, “watching porn while the couple's kids were around.” Wow. Hell of a guy. That’s “Father of the Year” material there. And she’s leaving him because……? Hey, us guys have our needs. The guy likes his porn, what can I say? Cut him some slack. I hope she takes this sick pig to the cleaners. But I’ll be sad I won’t get to see Tony Dobalati dance anymore.
-Lorenzo comes to pick Jami up in his best limousine driver attire. Who does he think he is, Lloyd Christmas? Bonus points to anyone who got that reference. Nice suit, you pud. Throw on a pilot’s hat and I could’ve sworn she would’ve tipped you when you got out of the limo. And have you noticed that the Prince has very rat-like facial features? I bet you if one of these girls showed up on the date with a block of cheese, this guy would go ape sh**. Probably guarantees you a rose. How did no one think of this? And why did it take me three episodes to see he resembled a rodent?
-So Rat Boy asks Jami to perform opera for him since he didn’t get to hear it back at the house. Oh God no. Please. For the love of all children, do we have to hear this again? It was bad enough the first time around. I can’t imagine she’s improved in the last few hours, has she? Here she goes…… “LaaaaaaaLaaaa so todo mas de sti aaaaaaaaahhhhhh…..” Nope. She hasn’t. And I just had a brain aneurysm. I’ll be o.k. But apparently the Prince didn’t. P-Lo: “That was the best opera I have ever seen.” Shut the hell up. Look, I know the girl was pretty brave to show off her car screeching voice, but please, do we really need the fake show of support for her? I mean seriously. Couldn’t he have just let her down with a, “Hey, that was dandy. Just don’t quit your day job” line?
-So as he’s pretending to be interested in asking her about her family, the curtains open and it’s…..why it’s….no, it can’t be! Yes, it is! It’s Vittorino!!!!! Yeah, uhhhh, who’s he? Whatever. Anyway, P-Zo’ and Jami get up to slow dance to Vittorino’s song. I have no idea what he was singing. I just know what song it should‘ve been. “Open Arms.” Why? Because that’s my favorite slow song of all-time. And not the Elliot Yamin version sung last year when it was down to the final three. Not to say he butchered the song, but ummm….well….he butchered the song. Forgot the lyrics and totally off key. And no, not the version that Bachelor Bob sang back in Season 4. Remember that? I almost threw my remote listening to him hack up my all-time favorite. No, I’m talking about Steve Perry from Journey singing it. Vittorino was singing some crap Italian opera B.S. How about American-izing it, huh pal? You can’t beat “Open Arms” by Journey. Nope. Sorry. Can’t be done. And that is the last I reveal about my gayness. See that football game last night? Hell of a game, hell of a game. What a comeback. Manly sport. Gotta love it. I’m gonna go eat a box of thumb tacks.
-Prince Rat’s reaction to the slow dance: “It was incredibly romantic. I’m just not sure if the physical chemistry is there.” Uh oh. Never a good sign. Any time physical chemistry is questioned, you can bet your sweet ass someone is going home. His Royal Rat-ness then lowers the boom. “The whole time we were dancing, I was thinking how incredibly romantic this night was. But I also felt like I was dancing with my best friend…..I’m sorry. I can’t give you that rose.” Whoa. Look, I know I’ve cracked on Jami for being, well, a redneck. But even I felt bad for her after that. That had to be the biggest letdown in the history of letdowns. Times ten. You dress up little Ms small town girl in $2 million dollar worth of jewelry, take her on a romantic opera date, then kick her to the curb by giving her the ol’ “I see you as a friend” line? OOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHH. That took some balls. He must’ve borrowed someone else’s for the night. Jami is devastated. “My ego and pride are crushed….I’m in shock…..I’m very disappointed….I never thought for a second I wouldn’t be getting that rose tonight.” Yeah, I hear ya, sweetie. Sorry. There’s a bottle of moonshine waiting for you in the limo. Peace out.
-Next up is the group date to Tuscany. I don’t know where Tuscany is. But I’m sure the Borghese family owns half of it. Or has a sign in the park where they donated a water fountain or something. Jeannette pulls him away from the other girls so he can be nauseated by her accent. “I cay-yem here with da’ hope that you’d be sumthin’ special and unique.” He tells her he likes the fact that she’s hard to read. They apparently have a really intellectual conversation that didn’t involved brats, the Cubs, Da’ Bears, or the Sears Tower. There are other things in Chicago, I realize this, but those were the first four that popped into my head. The Bulls. Bill Rancic. Jen Schefft. Steve Bartman. Polish sausage. I could go on……
-Lisa is one of the ladies on the group date and she expresses that she doesn’t think Rat face will think this group date is romantic. “I think my one-on-one date with him was romantic. What’s romantic about being with six ladies on one date.” I’m with her on that one. There isn’t a damn thing romantic about that. But there could be something really kinky about it if you all could convince Sadie to rip off that Masterlock she has on under her skirt. Damn her. Whatever the case, this type of elitist attitude draws the ire of Desiree. And lord knows when Desiree’s blood gets pumping, ummmm, her breasts become even with her elbows.
-Back at the house, the last package arrives for Erica and Ahn-YAY-zay’s menage-a-tois’ date. Erica loves to continuously call Ahn-YAY-zay, “AG-ness.” Beautiful. Very respectful. So she reads what the card says to Agnes. Very slowly. Prince Rat made this as simple as possible. “One Rose, One Stays, One Goes.” Of course, Agnes is completely flummoxed by the card. Erica, in her simplest form, tries to explain that one of them is getting a rose, and the other will be going home. I think Agnes understood that part because Erica responded with, “I don’t think so, bitch.” Classy. There’s really no possible way I can gain anything from watching this show. Not a chance in hell.
-Commercial. Uh oh. It’s the H.P.V. commercial again. Safe to say they haven’t found a cure in the last week? That sucks. Cancer anywhere sucks. Cancer in your nether regions as a female must REALLY suck. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Gonorrhea maybe. But H.P.V.? No thanks. Although the way the kids on “Laguna Beach” pass each other around, I’m sure there’s a nice case of that going around down in the L.B. I’ll give you one hint as to who might have it. You only get one. And it’s gonna be a vague one because you don’t necessarily want to throw this out there, especially if it’s not true. She’s a slut. Talk amongst yourselves.
-It’s time for Sadie to pull Prince Rodent the Rat aside to drop the bomb on him. Sadie has quite the Cindy Brady lisp going, doesn’t she? Wow. I vaguely noticed it last week, but its out in full force tonight. Take a deep breath. Aaaaaaannnd go….Sadie: “I’m ssssssso ssssssserious about relationshipssssss and marriage that I’m actually sssssssaving mysssssself for marriage. I hope that doessssssssn’t affect you in any way.” A wide angle shot of these two sitting down showed Prince Rat Zo’ losing his hard on. Definitely a mood killer. But he pretended like it wasn’t. Ratty: “It does show me your values….I wouldn’t have expected that.” Translation: Goddammit! Why do the producers always have to throw one of these girls in here every season? Especially the hot one. The Prince of Rats tells us he’s never dated a virgin before. Shocking considering you certainly kiss like you’re the virgin.
-And for his first victim, he pulls Lisa away from the group for no other reason than……to kiss her. Prince: “I wanted to tell you I had a great time on our date the other night and I hope you did too. I also wanted to ask if you if I could kiss you. And if you could spare me a piece of bread and a slice of cheese, that’d be much appreciated as well.” So he pulled the girl away to ask if he could kiss her? This guy is a weenie. And what a brutal first kiss. Just absolutely nothing remotely suave or normal about it. He’s a complete spaz and I can’t believe Lisa comments afterwards that her timeline of marriage and kids by 30 is “right on track.” And by “right on track”, I think she means “spiraling towards divorce if I end up with this gnome.”
-Back at the mansion, Erica tells us that she is the only one in the house that connects with Agnes. Why? Well, it’s because she “speaks English with an Italian accent. So she understands me.” You are retarded, Erica. Really. You are. What are you talking about? That’s an Italian accent? Really? Could’ve fooled me. And I’m guessing if we brought old prune lady from the beginning of the show, along with Vittorino, back to judge your Italian, you might get laughed off the show. You know who had the Italian accent? Jami. Now that girl had some culture to her. Her Italian blows away whatever you’re claiming is yours.
-After the group date enters the pool in their bikinis and the Rat gets his hard on back, it’s time to go upstairs for a little Truth or Dare. This is always fun. And never awkward. Someone dared Desiree to put a grape in her mouth and have Rat Boy nibble it out of there. Yeah, like she even thought twice about that one. I’m surprised she didn’t insert the grape….forget it. Moving on, Jen was dared to do a body shot off the Rat’s furry patched stomach. She did. I hurled. So then it’s the Amazing Rat’s turn, and he asked for a Truth. Cindy Brady asks the question: “What girlssssss in the houssssssse have you kissssssssssssed?” Mr. Slick had to think on his feet about this one. He totally pussed out and said, “I’ve kissed every one of you.” It’s still considered lying if you’re withholding the truth to spare someone’s feelings, right? Right? No seriously, I need an answer on this. Like, immediately. I want to make sure she understands that withholding the truth is a form of lying. Don’t get me started.
-The next morning, the Rat runs out on the balcony with Jen to ask about her teaching career. And to plant yet his third awkward kiss of the season on someone. Look, I can’t describe how bad these things are, you just have to witness it for yourself. So if you watched the show, which I’m assuming most of you did, you saw. You know what I’m talking about. This dweeb literally is a spaz every time he gets next to a girls lips. It’s incomprehensible, really. I don’t know whether to laugh, make fun, or feel sorry for the guy. I’ll just laugh, I guess. And make fun. No need to feel sorry for a grown man who has no idea how to insert his tongue into a woman’s mouth without completely ‘tarding out.
-Commercial. Holy crap, now there’s the “First Response Pregnancy Test”? What? This woman starts out the commercial by saying, “What if you could find out you’re pregnant the moment it happens?” Great. With my luck, the day that happens will probably be the day my condom breaks. Anyway, apparently this pregnancy test can detect 5 days before your missed period. Wait, huh? What is it detecting? If you don’t know you’re having a missed period since that missed period hasn’t happened yet, what is it notifying you of 5 days beforehand? That your pregnant? How does it know this? Is it on one of those blue fun sticks? Or is it pink? I’m totally confused, my brain is hurting, and it’s 3:00 in the morning. Let’s move on.
-Our last date is the menage-a-tois’ with Erica and Ahn-YAY-zay. But Erica steals the show. Erica: “Agnes is the least attractive girl in the house. I don’t think she’s princess material…..He definitely needs me. No one else here could do the job.” What job? Ooooooooohhhhh, that job. Gotcha. How could I be so stupid? You’re a pro at that. I forgot. My bad. What do you think Erica’s sex tape is titled, by the way? “Princess Does Houston”? “The Socialites Sexual Experiment?” “Saving Ryan’s Privates”? Sorry. That title always makes me laugh.
-Erica on her competition: “Agnes is a golddigger…He can find a girl like Jen anywhere….Sadie is a virgin. Ok, maybe that’s a little bit rare….and a girl like Lisa is one notch up from that….and then I’m like seven notches up from that.” Why only seven notches? And what constitutes a “notch” on your ever-so-important scale? I think Erica blows away Trish as the scariest, most delusional person they’ve had on this show. But it’s damn sure entertaining. I could listen to her nonsense all day.
-Oh yeah, she’s not done. “I’d like for him to give me a rose, then after that, stop being such a dumbass. And, like, start showing some interest in me.” How about we do this? How about you just keep rambling on about yourself, and your privileged life, and how many maids you have, and how Rome isn’t a novelty to you like it is to these girls, and how you probably had Agnes make your bed for you, and while you’re doing that, I’m gonna go climb to the top of the Roman Coliseum, then jump to my death. Deal? You are a true delight, Erica.
-So Prince Rat has to give one of these women a rose. He chose to give it to the only sane girl of the two. Granted, she barely speaks English, she probably still doesn’t even know she’s on a TV show, and she has about as much in common with the Prince as Sadie does with a penis. Man, Erica lost out on a rose to THAT girl. You just know the Prince must’ve felt she was about twelve sandwiches short of a picnic if he gave a rose to Agnes over her. If he were to rank the remaining six girls in order of who he’d like to spend the rest of his life with, Agnes would finish 100th. So you can imagine what he thinks of Erica. I cannot wait until the “Women Tell All” episode. They might as well just make it a one-woman show. Like I care what comes out of any of the other girls mouths. Erica needs her own reality show, like, yesterday. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch, because you would. We all would.
-So as he’s walking Erica to the limo, she’s sobbing hysterically about him letting her go. I don’t think he’s even paying attention and is practically shoving her head into the limo so she’ll leave right away. But not so fast, she rolls down the window to talk to him even more. “You’re making a big mistake.” Rat Borghese: “I have no idea who I’m getting with you.” Erica: “You’re getting me.” Back and forth this went. And as you could tell, it accomplished absolutely nothing. Erica in the limo: “I thought if I met someone who came from the same background, they wouldn’t judge me but he did…..waaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!” Is she crying or laughing? I can never tell with her. I know I’m laughing. Til it hurts. Erica hopes someday she can find her equal. Schnookums, I don’t know how to tell you this, but there ain’t a guy on this planet that’s your equal. I see a lot of one night stands in your future. And in your past, I’m sure. Pencil me in for one though if you have time.
-P-Lo and Agnes watch fireworks go off from the balcony of his mansion, and Agnes becomes a double victim of the Borghese Mouth Rape. This is the second time he’s kissed her and we all remember the nightmare that was the first time. This one was equally as horrific since he jammed his tongue down her throat and did so with a motion and awkwardness that only someone with no top lip and a royal stature like he has could comprehend. I wonder if the Prince thinks he’s just the cat’s meow when it comes to the ladies. Something tells me he does. And something tells me he’s in for a rude awakening when someone finally tells him he’s not. Or he could just read www.realitysteve.com. Then he’ll know. Dude, Rico Suave you are not.
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Lo’s speech really was lame. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember it being lame. Jeannette and Agnes already have roses. So four of the five ladies are getting one.
Sadie: Sssssssadie ssssssellssssss ssssseassssshellsssss by the ssssseasssssshore.
Lisa: Yeah, like she wasn’t gonna get one. He pulled her aside to ask for her tongue to play with.
Jen: No surprise that the three girls he just gave roses to are the three girls who’ve previously received roses.
“Ladies, Lorenzo….this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready, I’ll be over here shaking my head when you choose Desiree.”
Desiree: “I never thought a rose would mean so much, baby”. It doesn’t. You’re gone next week anyway, honey baby sweetie.
-So who didn’t get a rose? Gina. I know. The girl that makes faces at everyone. Go figure. You know what? Gina is actually pretty cute. But since they only showed with her bitter beer face on for the first three episodes, I guess we wouldn’t have known that. She’s really cute. I like her a lot. Man, it sucks to see her go. I would‘ve liked to see her stick around a bit longer. Dammit. Why‘d you let her go? “I don’t know what he saw in them that he didn’t see in me. I would’ve given my everything to him….my life, my children…” Forget it. She’s crazy.
-Next week is where Mr. Tonguey McTonguester starts really getting it on with all the women. We even see him and Sadie going at it hot and heavy to the point where maybe, just maybe, we might see our first de-flowering in the show’s history. That would be a TV moment for the ages. One can only dream. Until next week……
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 1:49 AM
19 Comments:
Outstanding once again Steve - you are the only reason to watch this wretched show...unless, of course, we do get to see the de-flowering of Sadie.
OMG....that was funny. But you really need to get over the idea that anyone who speaks with a southern accent must be illiterate and live in a trailer.
Erika reminds me more of Sarah W from the Charlie season than she does of Trish
I totally forgot to watch this frikkin' show last night, but I can always count on a very visual recap! Loved it!
Love the reference to Cindy Brady. Think she'll wear pigtails before the season's over? Or maybe when Erica is back, she'll stick pins in Sadie/Cindy's "Kitty Carry-All" doll. Erica totally looks like she would throw her own mother under a bus if it meant she could be first in the McPrince buffet line. I can't belive you didn't mention the preview for next week when Erica shows up again!!!!! It's not over! You go Erica! Put a collar and leash around that bitch and walk him like you're the Dog Whisperer. Or better yet, make your maid walk him.....How low does your life have to get that you are the maid to Princess Erica the Troll? I'd just kill myself first.
You're the man Steve------you need your own show! Great job, look forward to next week and the (dare we hope?) Sadie de-flowering!
Great recap, Steve! Even funnier than usual. Judging by the Prince's "Mouth of Horror" display, I'm going out on a limb and predicting that Sadie is not the ONLY virgin on this show.
Great column, as always Steve! Yes, he is a lousy kisser and it is painful to watch. I can't believe you didn't say anything about the obvious rip-off from Pretty Woman. The red dress, the opera, the borrowed necklace in the black box...I was just waiting for him to snap her hand with it.
i love you steve!
He's totally picking YAH-AG-NESE.
That's a lovely accent, where you from?
Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Ha. Ha. Ha. Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
*yawning* I once again forgot to watch the show, I remember back in the day, I would schedule everything around these stupid shows.
But Steve you're too funny!!!!
(Know I don't need to even watch the show).
Ok. I signed up for a blogger account just so I could post on this. I'm surprised you didn't mention the fact that Lisa was acting stuck up after the "who in the house have you kissed?" answer. She seems to think she's the only one that Prince Rat has wanted to kiss. Who does she think she is? Rat boy's number one? I hate to say it sweetie, but no, you aren't his first kiss. Not like she should brag about it anyway. If I was dating a man that kissed like that, well, I wouldn't be dating him after I found out he kisses like a 15 year old pimply faced geek, nevermind.
Another thing I would like to comment on is the fact that Erica could turn into a bigger stalker than all the stalkers from the other seasons put together. She's a nut job. Her "I deserve him because I'm rich like him" attitude is annoying to say the least. I did like her line about her being tired of the same "poor girl meets rich guy and they fall in love" story. What kind of story is she looking for? Rich b*tch meets rich rat faced man and they in all of their riches fall in love and bathe in money? Yeah... that's a great story. I can't wait to see that one.
Anyway, I've been reading reality steve for a long time and I just want to say that it's the only thing good about watching this stupid show. BTW steve, did you check out the season finale of Flavor of Love 2? Now THAT'S quality television
Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling.
Laughing head off.
TFT
OMG. This is so right on! Why does ZLo insist on choking those poor girls with his rat tongue???? I would be saying" Slow down Princie I need me some Oxygen!"
He even kisses like Lloyd Christmas! Yummmmm
Thanks for the laugh!
Great, as always! My oldest daughter seems to have a special talent for figuring out who people resemble as animals. She just said to me last night that the Prince looked like Templeton the Rat...so when I read your rat comment, I about choked and laughed at the same time!
OMG....I just stumbled onto your recap and I've never laughed so hard! I bookmarked your site and I will read it weekly. I also forwarded your link to ALL of my friends. We're reality queens here and I don't know how I missed your recaps in the past. Great job Steve! By the way, to the woman who missed the episode Monday night, I believe that you can go to ABC.com and watch it online.
Cheers everyone!
Monnica
PS. I did see Flavor of Love finale and I can't wait until Sunday for the reunion show. Steve, I hope that you watch it because I would LOVE to read what you have to say about that one. OMG...it's gonna be juicy!!
Man, I can't believe I can type this comment, because my keyboard is probably almost gone from the drink I spewed on it while laughing myself silly.
Your commentary makes this season worthwhile. Keep it up!
steve,
love your stuff but don't promise what you can't deliver..
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