"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 10/2/06

-Good Lord. I’m already Prince’d out. Hey, I have a question: Does anybody know if Lorenzo Borghese is a Prince? I thought they kind of alluded to it once or a trillion times last night. Holy crap. All right, we get it. His 5th grandmother once removed from his 3rd cousin was somehow linked to royalty. Honestly, didn’t that get a little nauseating last night? Prince this, Princess that, he’s my prince, every little girls dream is to marry a Prince, I’m gonna go kiss a frog, on and on and on and on and on. I stapled gunned my arm about 15 times during the show because of it. I’m o.k. though. Losing pints of blood never hurt anyone.

-Anyway, it’s great to be back covering the “Bachelor”. Just an update for those that haven’t checked this site since Travis and whoever he picked were last on. And yes, they’ve been broken up since about a week after the finale aired. As you can see, I’ve added podcasting to my site. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically an audio broadcast of my column. I sit down, plug in a microphone, talk into it for 20 minutes about all the ridiculous shows I watch. I thought I’d just expand my horizons and put my broadcasting background to further use. However, with the “Bachelor” column usually taken 3 to 4 hours to write, I will NOT do a “Bachelor” podcast. The “Bachelor” column will up every Tuesday morning like it’s always been, then the “Reality Roundup” column and podcast will be up on Thursdays or Friday. That’s the plan at least. “Bachelor” column don’t worry about. It’ll always be here Tuesday mornings. The “Reality Roundup” gets iffy sometimes. So, if you didn’t hear any of the six podcasts or columns I did during the summer, just scroll down and click on them. They’re funny. Or not. Let’s begin….

-I loved the “Once upon a time…..” recap they did at the beginning of the show. Brought tears to my eyes seeing all the old kooks back on TV. Charlie crying, the girls in the limo chanting Bob’s name, Byron and his greasy mullet, Firestone the skirt chaser, Jesse Palmer the meathead, etc. This show is always good for a nice trip down memory lane every once in a while. I was just hoping while we went down that lane, we’d all be able to see what a failure this show has become in producing couples that last. So far, they’ve completed eight “Bachelor” series, and three “Bachelorette” series. Only two couples are still together: Byron and Mary, and Trista and Ryan. Rumor has it Charlie and Sarah recently broke up. Two for eleven isn’t a good percentage last time I checked. And if you break it down even further, how many couples even lasted more than a month after the finale aired? That’s what I thought. But whatever. Let’s not let nine failed relationships out of eleven put a damper on things to come with L-Zo.

-Yeah, I’m not too hip on calling this guy Prince, or Prince Lorenzo, or even Lorenzo for that matter. Seven letters is just too long for me. So I’ll go with Lo’, Zo’, L-Zo’, or maybe just The Midget. I don’t know his exact height, but Host Chris isn’t the tallest drink of water out there. I know he’s the same height as his wife, and she doesn’t look that big either. Well, Lo’ was about an inch taller than Host Chris, and probably had the Tom Cruise lifts in his shoes to do it. Definitely the shortest Bachelor we’ve had. He’s probably standing a hulking 5’7” or 5’8” and a buck twenty-five soaking wet. That’s your Prince for ya’.

-For those that might be confused, they informed us last night, his last name is pronounced “Bor-GAY-Zee”. So we can just throw “Gay” into the mix of names we’ll use for Shorty McGay. In our profile of Short Stack, we find out that he went to college in Miami, is 34, and I believe comes from royal descent, but I’m not quite sure. Still checking on that one. And that he’s single because “New York City is the greatest city in the world, but it’s also the hardest city to find a girl for you”. Really? And why’s that? Please elaborate. Ok, then I will for you. I think New York might be the hardest city to find a girl for you because they owe’ll toe-awk like this, they have teased bangs, they carry around much attitude, and they are loud and obnoxious. Other than that, they have some of America’s finest women and I would run there to meet my future wife.

-Also, we got to see the “cultured” side of Prince L-Zo McShort Short. He’s an entrepreneur as he took his family cosmetics business and ventured off to create his own dog grooming business where you can buy ridiculously expensive shampoo for your dog at www.getroyaltreatment.com. Although, I’m guessing PetCo has the same product, just without the enormously high price and isn’t attached to the BorGayShort family name. But hey, if Rover needs a good bath, I guess you’ll fork over ridiculous coin to get it for him. Zo’ man also flys his own plane, his family name is on buildings and parks all across Rome, and he’s a real worldly guy according to what we saw last night. You know what else makes him worldly? That he can chase tail in both America AND overseas. Takes talent to do that. Look, I don’t know if this guy’s a player yet or not, but of course they’re gonna make him look like creamy peanut butter on the first show. Hell, they somehow made Guiney look that way, and look how he turned out. Let’s just wait and reserve judgment. I’m sure his tongue will be jammed down many a throats this season.

-Because of the two hour episode, you knew they had to kill time by giving us a lot of extra footage. Well, we got something I think they’ve only done maybe once before. They showed footage of all 25 women “unexpectedly” being told they were selected to be on the “Bachelor” and that they’d be leaving that day. Uh huh. I put “unexpectedly” in parertheses because, well, it wasn’t unexpected. These girls knew exactly who was showing up at their door. They just weren’t good enough actresses to pull off the look of surprise on their face. C’mon, you honestly expect us to believe these women had no idea someone was coming over to tell them they were leaving to be on the “Bachelor”? Please. Nice try though. If only Ed McMahon could’ve showed up at these girls places with his balloons and check for $10 million would I have believed it.

-This is where we meet our first crazy in Erica. She’s the high maintenance spoiled little blondie who’s never done anything for herself her whole life, carries around her little dog, wears a Tiara, and thinks she’s Paris Hilton. I’m sure there’s a sex tape of her on youtube.com as we speak. Anyway, by the looks of things, it seemed like it was about 2 or 3 in the afternoon when the cameras showed up, and her 38DD mom comes rolling onto the camera to congratulate her daughter dressed in a red, skin tight formal dress, with her face and hair looking like she’d sat in the make-up chair for about two hours. Yeah, they didn’t know the cameras were coming.

-Then we get to meet Jeanette. She was the one who ended up going to the bathing suit store to try on a blue bikini. I distinctly remembered Jeanette for two reasons: Her blue bikini, and the Shannon Doherty Eye Syndrome that she has. One of Shannen Doherty’s eyes is higher on her head than the other one. Worth mentioning.

-The third girl that stuck out of me was Rosella, or Carmella, or Tortorella, the little Italian girl from Chicago that was chosen for this show strictly because she toe-awked laak a true Italiano. And her parents fell in love in Italy. Don’t think that didn’t play a part either. If you would’ve told me this girl’s name was Jane, or Mary, or Monica, I wouldn’t have believed you. But the minute I heard her name was Tortellini, you just knew she would get a lot of face time. They were either building her up for a long run on the show, or they played the “parents fell in love in Italy let’s see if she can do the same” card to have her fall flat on her face and go home the first night. Sorry Rigatoni. Just wasn’t meant to be.

-So we’re finally in Rome after a half hour of filler time, and Host Chris let’s us meet Prince Shorty McShortenstein. He removes the phone books he was sitting on, steps out of the limo in a nice black suit with white shirt and blue tie, walks over to Host Chris, greets him, then Host Chris picks him up like a tray of drinks and balances him over to the two chairs set up where they can have their first “talk”. You know, the one where Host Chris digs deeper into the life of the Prince by asking such hard-hitting questions like, “So why are you here?”

-So why is P-Lo here? Mr. Gay: “I want the American dream.” Really? And you came to THIS show for it? Have you ever turned on your tv Monday nights at 9 on ABC anytime in the last 5 years? The last place you’ll find the “American Dream” is on this show, Princey McPrince Prince. But good luck trying. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of crying, pampered, whining, drunk, crazy beyotches that’ll cause more drama than a “Melrose Place” DVD box set (Which I am buying the second Season 1 is released by the way). Just tell us why you’re really here. Pimp your website, get a free six-week paid vacation in Rome, make out with a few different hotties, maybe get a little Rome nookie on the side, then go back home and chase more ass like we all know you plan on doing. Honesty is the best policy.

-So it’s time to meet the ladies coming out of the limo. But before we do, Host Chris has a message for his little midget before he sets him down on the ground, “De femecha la ventura – Let the journey begin.” Look, I don’t speak Italian and I’m sure I spelled that wrong, but I just wanted to point out that we’re going to be getting a season full of “Gratzi’s”, “Caio’s”, “Belisima’s” and “Fresh Peppers”. If you got the “Fresh Pepper” reference, I love you. If you didn’t, I can never be friends with you.

-Ok, so I’m not gonna talk about all 25 women when they appeared out of the limo. I just jotted down the ones who made some sort of impression, good or bad.

April:Model from Chicago, 23 years old. She didn’t really talk. Maybe she’s a mute.

Kim: From Long Beach, Ca. Strong Beach in the house. Yeah, that’s the way we do it down on 2nd street. Uhhhhh anyway, I didn’t like her dress. Can’t remember why. I’m just reading my notes here.

Jessica: She told Lo’, “I’ve never been to Rome, so I’m lookin’ for a tour guide.” Gee, I’m guessing she had that line planned from the moment Publishers Clearing House showed up at door telling her to pack her bags.

Claudia: It’s pronounced “CLOW-dia”. I hate that pronunciation. Especially when Hector Salazar is screaming it after Claudia, her brother, and her dad escape. Sorry. “24” reference. We’re only 3 months away and I’m getting the itch.

Tortorellatini: She also has a back tattoo on her upper left shoulder. It was of a meatball.

Meri: She went to SMU in Dallas. For those that don’t know, I attended SMU my freshman year of college. I don’t remember Meri. Probably because I only went there one year and I’m four years older than her. But still.

Gina: A very strange girl. She walked out of the limo, walked up to Zo’, said “hi”, gave him a kiss on the cheek, then kept walking. Not the most engaging person on the show.

Sarah: The token black woman from British Columbia. And it looked like she had on a maternity dress.

Carissa: She was very nervous. She asked, “And you’re Lorenzo?” No Carissa, it’s the Duke of Earl. Who do you think it is? Although I’m sure Borghese McPrince-a-lot is somehow related to the Duke of Earl.

Andrea: Tall girl with the short boy hair cut. Lo’: “You’re beautiful, Andrea”. No she’s not.

Desiree: From Salt Lake City, blonde, wild crazy girl, and was wearing white biker shorts underneath her white dress. Yes, I rewound the TiVo and went super slo-mo to make sure.

Erica: Our Paris Hilton clone. Her job title: “Socialite”. I’m not making this up. She said, “I think we have a lot in common.” Yes, he’s a Prince and you only have sex with men of royalty. Guess you do.

Sadie: I think one of my early favorites. Although the 11 year age difference might come back to bite her in the ass. She might be a bit too young for him. And she was dressed like she was going to the ball in a pumpkin.

-Commercial. The only commercial I‘m going to write about tonight because the show was two hours and I want to finish this so I can continue on with doing nothing the rest of the day. “Lost” starts tomorrow night. From all accounts, the writers have redeemed themselves this season, and decided to start giving us answers. Thank God. I don’t need another 10,000 questions thrown my way with this show anymore. We are supposed to find out who Kate chooses, who the Others are, where they’re living, where they came from, why they’re there, why they only took Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, what happened to the Hatch, is Desmond still alive, and what Henry Gale’s name really is, all in the first six episodes. We’ll see about that.

-Time for mingling. Host Chris tells Lo’ he has all night to drink and flirt with the ladies, but when the sun comes up, he’ll eliminate over half of them. And he has a first impression rose to give out along with a pair of 2 karat earrings. Yeah, this show isn’t very superficial. Why couldn’t the first impression gift just be a note that says “You’re #1”? It would kinda take the whole “No, seriously, I’m totally into him because of his personality and not that he’s a Prince and can spoil me with gifts” act out of play, wouldn’t it? But nooooooooo. Let’s shower them with 2 karat earrings to make them like me more. That’s why Charlie O’Connell’s season was the best one they had. Nobody ever really got dressed up, the dates were real, and no gifts were passed out. Ok, I’m getting off my soapbox now.

-One girl said during mingling time, “He’s so handsome. He looks like a Roman God.” Really? That’s what a Roman God looks like? Funny, I don’t remember Harry Hamlin fighting off the Cracken looking like my waiter from the Olive Garden the other night. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but alcohol makes women say ridiculous things. And lie. Then they use the alcohol as an excuse for their behavior. Uh huh. I love hearing that. It’s my favorite. A Roman God? Not quite, honey.

-I think it was Kim from Long Beach who told Zo’ that the cocktail party reminded her of prom. P-Lo informs her that he never went to prom in high school. Oh boy. Be wary of people who never went to prom. That means he was either a band geek, thought he was too cool, or just didn’t have any friends. Or maybe he just held his own prom on some island he probably owns and flew all his dates down there to spend the weekend. Who doesn’t go to prom? Especially when you’re the Prince of all Princes? Mr. Gay-Z isn’t making the greatest impression on me right now.

-Erica Hilton: “Of the first four girls I met, they all had tattoos. And half of them never went to college.” Hey Erica, quick! What’s half of four? Nope sorry. The answer isn’t “cheese.” Thanks for guessing though. You mean, the “Bachelor” casted a few hotties that never went to college? No way. I’ve never heard of such nonsense. Erica is whining that two girls never went to college and four girls had tattoos. This coming from someone who later admitted in the show that she’s never made her bed in her life. Honestly, there are people in this world I could do without. Erica is one of those people. Could she possibly have come across any ditzier, high maintenance, and clueless if she tried? Didn’t think so. And yes, I’d hit that in a second.

-Farfalle informs us that she sold her car to come to Rome. Huh? Why would she do that? Honey, the show pays for you to go to Rome. It’s on their dime. All you do is pack your sh**, go drink and flirt with Mr. Prince, then come home. Or are you saying you sold your car because you’re job fired you when you went on the show, so you have no money? I’m sure Mama and Papa’s Italiano Ristorante on 47th and 6th will pay you to be a hostess or something. I just made those street numbers up. I don’t even know if they have those streets in Chicago. I think the Tour of Italy probably feels a little stupid now that she sold her car. Maybe that’s just me.

-Our second crazy is Desiree. Definitely a little tipsy at the cocktail party and says the word “baby” in every sentence. “You’re handsome, baby”, “I’m gonna rock it tonight, baby”, and of course, “Vegas, baby”. Desiree, how about this one? “You’re annoying as f***. Baby.” Desiree also decided to give the Prince his own personal lap dance in her airy white dress with the white biker shorts on underneath. Very sexy. And this girl is from Salt Lake? I guess she beats down that stereotype. I thought they all pumped out eight kids and were married to guys that had six other wives? I guess that technically wouldn’t be Salt Lake women, that would be more of Mormon women. But see, I’m linking Salt Lake…forget it. I’m losing it.

-Our next interesting character is Lisa. 25 years old from Portland, Oregon. And she has her love life mapped out already. Lisa: “I want to be married when I’m 27, but I want to be engaged for a year. That gives me 10 months to find someone.” Ummmm, I have a question: Why would someone give themselves a time frame on something like marriage? What if she found someone 11 months from now? 15 months? 20 months? Would she not marry them because that would disrupt the flow of her space time continuum? Other than Lisa living in a complete fantasy land, if I were P-Zo’, and those were the 25 women I met the first night, she would’ve been the one I picked. Her and Sadie I’d say are my two favorites. Although the potential for looniness goes much deeper with Lisa than Sadie. I think.

-Local crazy #3 would have to be the 34 year old, Farah Fawcett drunk Heather. I mean, wow. Hold you liquor there, sweetie. For some reason, during the middle of the cocktail party, this booze hound blurts out, “We are freaking in Italy! Let’s go!” Uhhhh, where? What are talking about? Calm down woman. Sit. Take a deep breath. And quit jamming alcohol in your bloodstream. You’re making an ass of yourself. I was half expecting Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith to show up and the three of them would tribute Aaron Spelling again as Farah fumbled over her lines from being coked out. She was 34? No offense, but if Heather’s 34, I’m 18. Haggard.

-Andrea has trouble pulling Gay-Z away from some other tramps that are hanging on him, so she decides to serenade him from the balcony in her best Macaroni Grill/opera girl singing voice. I could’ve sworn she was at the restaurant the other night singing for tips as I was eating my mozzarella caprese. Anyway, the Prince was so impressed with beautiful Andrea’s singing, he even gave her a standing ovation and told us no one has ever done that for him in his life. It was so moving to him, that Andrea proceeded to not get a rose later that morning. Nice try though. Andrea, can I have the Chicken Parmesan with a side of Caesar salad please? And go light on the croutons. With a Diet coke. And extra bread when you get a chance. Thanks sweetie.

-After Heather Fawcett was done being belligerent in the dining room, she moved on out to see L-Zo’. You just knew this had all the makings of a “Bachelor” moment in line with our “rotting eggs” girl from last season. And she didn’t disappoint. So Heather says to him, “I’m very nervous. Soooo, you’re a Prince?” Good one. He responds with, “So why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Instead of giving the real answer to that question which is, “Because I want to be able to sleep with as many guys as possible without being tied down to one”, she came back to the question with a question of her own. The same one. “Why are you still single?” What a beauty this lush is. Could she have made a worse impression if she tried? When she finally got around to answering his question, she told us the viewing audience, “I don’t want to sound conceited, but I’m beautiful. I’m blessed with genetics.” Yes, you are honey. Tip back another one. It’s on the house. Now go curl up in the fetal position and never return.

-Sarah the token black girl from British Colombia, came right out and confronted Lo’. “Ever dated a black girl, or any ethnic girls, eh?” Here was his response. “No, I haven’t been single that much. I’ve always been in long term relationships.” Ummmm, that didn’t answer her question. Nor did it put you in the greatest of lights. So you’re 34, you’ve rarely been single, and you’ve hopped from one long term relationship to the next? Yep, you’re perfect for this show. And let me guess, all those other relationships ended because of her, right? You were never the one who was at fault? I hate to burst anyone’s bubble here who may have had high hopes, but Gay-Z McLong Term Prince will not be marrying anyone from this show.

-I told you I liked Lisa and Sadie so far. Well Sadie finally gets to meet Prince Boy and we find out something that is very revealing. She’s a virgin and saving herself for marriage. Ummmm, change that to “I like Lisa so far“. Hey, I applaud anyone who’s able to hold out until marriage, but I’m sorry, it just doesn’t work on this show. Zo’ has pretty much already admitted to love being chased by 25 women. He said it like five times last night on how great of a position he’s in. So you’re telling me once he finds out that one of these women will not being panting his name until their wedding night, he’s gonna keep her? Probably not. The guy has been in nothing but long term relationships his whole life. I don’t know any more about Prince Lorenzo Borghese than what we saw last night, but I’m guessing he was sleeping with every single one of those girls he was in long term relationships with. Just a hunch. To go from that to waiting until the vows are exchanged? Nice try. But Sadie, I wish you all the luck in the world. Somebody out there will wait til marriage with you. Probably about 6 or 7 guys to choose from on the planet, but you’ll run into one of them. Don’t give up hope.

-The twist with the two local Italian women was lame and contrived. Like we’re honestly expected to believe he’d choose either one of them who barely speak English? Please. I was offended he even gave one of them a rose considering she was the one he could understand the least. Yeah, I’m suuuuuuuuure the producers didn’t tell him to do that. That was all on his own. Uh huh. One of the girls names was Cosetta. That’s the one he sh**canned, the other one I couldn’t even pronounce. So I went to ABC’s website to look at her name. It’s “Agnese”, pronounced “AGG-nan-shoiulamyunnfftwnv”, which in Italian means “Not a chance in hell.”

-Cosetta was very well versed in Italian. She gave us her thoughts on Zo’. “He’s just exquisite. I like the Prince.” Wow. Powerful words I tell ya’. Thanks for that. Next thing you’ll tell us is “The royal penis is clean, your heiness.” I wonder if Prince Lorenzo has ever had conferences that Prince Akeem and Semi were at. Don’t get me started on “Coming to America”. I could quote that movie all day. “I believe the children are our future…teach them well and….letthemleadtheway…show them all the beauty they possess insiiiiiiiiiiiiide….give them a seeeense….OF PRIDE!!!!” One of my top-5 all-time movies, no doubt.

-Time for P.B. to give out the first impression rose along with the $2,000 earrings. Or whatever the hell they cost. I don’t know. Looked expensive to me. And of course, he gives it to my favorite, Lisa. Lisa may be 25, and she may already have her love life mapped out until she’s old and grey, but she looks like she’s about 16. Someone check her drivers license. Whatever the case, she’s happy about the first rose so she goes and humps another tree.

-Host Chris shows up sloshed and banging away at the wine glass again. Ok, he wasn’t sloshed. I wonder what he does the whole time the cocktail party is going on? Does he take a nap? Does he watch on the monitors? Does he have past seasons of the “Bachelor” on old DVD’s and he and the producers sit around laughing at the past females? What does he do? This is stuff we need to know for our own sake just to mix things up. Outside of Charlie’s season, it’s the same freakin’ show ever year. Mix it up a bit. Give us something different. Have one of the women start banging one of the camerman. Have Host Chris get pissed and start going off on someone. Something. ANYTHING.

-So Host Chris takes Prince and the New Revolution into the room with the Pick Me! Photos. In there, he decides to go Jeff Probst at Tribal Council on us and says, “Yeah, tell me about so and so….”. “And what about her…” “So why’d you give the first impression rose to Lisa…” I guess that was something different. Yay ABC! You’re listening to me already. But other than that, nothing too revealing. See, that’s the scene where we need the “Bachelor” DVD to give “Never before seen footage”. You don’t think Zo’ was dumping on a few girls when he was talking to Chris? Please. I would’ve loved to hear him tell Chris what a horrible lush Farah Fawcett was.

-Time for the rose ceremony. P-Lo actually gave a somewhat decent speech about thanking them all for coming, had a great time, blah blah blah. It just didn’t sound rehearsed. Here we go…

Kim: If she gets a hometown date and takes him to the Bayshore, I’ll flip out.
Jeanette: Her eyes haven’t held her back. Yet.
Jami: Country bumpkin from Galveston, Tx. And has a tattoo on her inner wrist. I don’t know what to make of that.
Ellen: Who?
Sarah: Token black girl moving on. Go sista…soul sista….Moulin Rouge…blah blah blah. I don’t know the words, sorry.
Desiree: Give it up for the Mormon sluts!
Jennifer: Actually, I think I like her too. Very happy girl.
Gina: This is the chick that didn’t talk to him when she met him, and was making faces at other girls the whole night. Could be a bitch.
Erica: The Paris Hilton act will get real old, but I have a feeling she’ll be around a while.
Sadie: “Like a virgin…..touched for the very first time….Like a vir-ir-ira-gen…with your heartbeat…next to mine…”

Host Chris: “Ladies, Lorenzo. It’s your final rose.” Yes, it is my good host. And you have not lost your step.

Agnese: I hated this pick. So forced.

-So that was pretty much it. Clips from future episodes showed the women being trolled around Rome, the women crying, the women fighting amongst themselves, one of the women turning into a psycho, someone writing with lipstick on a mirror, Lorenzo crying, and Lorenzo slipping a giant rock onto someone’s finger. So pretty much like every other season. I’m sure we’ll all enjoy the ride. Except for Sadie. She doesn’t ride anybody. Until next week…..

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