"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 10/23/06
-I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that there will be a “Reality Roundup” column and podcast going up this week. Since I haven’t done one in almost two months, we’re looking at covering all the happenings of “Laguna Beach”, “Two-A-Days”, “Survivor”, “Dancing with the Stars”, and tons of celebrity gossip. We’re probably looking at at least a 45 minute pod cast. There is A LOT to cover. The bad news? I can’t tell you exactly which day it’ll be going up. But I guarantee one will be up this week. You have my word. Not that that is particularly good for anything, but take it for what its worth. “Reality Roundup” returns this week…at some point. Let’s begin…
-So they started with the weekly recap, and we got to see P-Lo giving one of my favorite lines of the season back on episode one when he uttered, “There’s no place like Rome.” I was thinking of some equally equivalent lines in television/movie history that were just as cheesy as that line was. “I wish I could quit you.” (No, I didn’t see the movie, but I’ve heard that line enough times. Yeah sorry, just not too interested in two cowboys drilling each other for two hours. Especially when Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t have to get into character for the part). “You had me at hello.” A great pickup line to use, actually. It’s worked before. “Move aside, cuz I wanna riiiiiiiide, with a Coo-ooo-ooo-oool Rider!” Sorry. I just felt like quoting one of the all-time cheesiest songs. I could keep going if you want. Ok, I won’t.
-So Host Chris explains we have a group date, and two one-on-one dates. These dates will be based on answers to two questions each of the six girls will give into a video camera. And they will be judged by somebody that the girls know. They will go and give their answers, then it will be revealed who’s judging them. Gee, I wonder? Is it Helene from Season 2? Or maybe they’ll bring back that one whore from that one season? Uhhhh yeah, it’s Erica. Big secret. The two questions each girl will be asked are, “Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?” and “Who is the most insincere girl in the house?” Great questions. Although, unlike “Last Comic Standing”, I wish the girls would’ve gotten to watch everyone’s answer. That would’ve made it much more catty. And it would’ve been nice to see Lisa hurl herself off the balcony after hearing how much everyone hates her.
-So yeah, pretty much everyone who wasn’t named Lisa named Lisa in both of their answers. Lisa went after Jen saying, “She isn’t well spoken and isn’t that pretty without make up on.” Are any women? I’m talking about the make-up part. There are definitely some well spoken ones. I think. But is Lisa mixing up Jen and Jami? Jen isn’t well spoken? I haven’t noticed anything that suggests that. Now Jami on the other hand, I could see where Lisa might not find her well spoken. I mean, she is from Galveston, Texas. And we all know Galveston is where there’s, you know, a lot of not well spoken people. I think it’s the capital of not well spoken people. Anyway, my point being, quit ragging on Jen when everyone hates your ass.
-So after the ladies give their answer, Host Chris reveals the shocking/mystery/celebrity/slutty video reviewer…..it’s Erica! Holy crap, what a find! I’m sure none of the girls had a clue it would be her. You know, especially after Chris said, “It’s a girl you all know.” Gee, don’t give it away too easy ABC. So Erica enters the room like, well, only Erica could enter a room. “What’s up, bitches? I’m back.” Couldn’t she have gone Luke from the “O.C.” and been like, “Welcome to the Rome, bitch” then pimp slapped Jeannette’s accent out of her mouth? That would’ve been funny. Literally impossible, but funny. And by the way, that line is one of the five best lines ever uttered in network television history. You had to have lived in the O.C. at some point to truly appreciate the complete corniness of it. I miss the O.C.
-Erica: “I love seeing the look of horror across Ag-KNEE-zies face when I walked in.” At what? The fact that you just returned or that you butchered her name for the fourth different time? Ag-KNEE-zies? This girl was your freakin’ roommate and you still can’t pronounce her name? Are you retarded? You’re embarrassing. Go away. Well, I guess ABC listened because that’s all we see of Erica for the rest of the show. She gives the solo dates to Sadie and Jennifer because they were real and honest. And oh yeah, because she hates Lisa, Ag-KNEE-zies, Desiree, and Jeannette. Oh wait. She’s coming back next week to for some unknown reason. All I know is it has to do with her naked in a bubble bath giving us her opinions on the remaining four girls while rubbing herself. Or something like that.
-Sadie gets the first solo date and Prince Douchebag is going to fly her in his plane somewhere. Just the two of them. Awwww…how romantic. Sadie definitely thinks so. Sadie: “You really know how to fly. I’m impresssssssssssed.” Actually, he’s faking it. He just learned yesterday. But for the sake of the show, they were willing to risk two peoples well beings just so he could take you up in an airplane. You know when you signed your life over to ABC when you agreed to do the show, well yeah, in there it says that there’s a small chance one of you would get to go up in a plane with a completely inexperienced, long nosed, weenie and whatever happens, happens. Should’ve read the fine print. Prince Pilot was letting Sadie handle his joystick while he was flying, which got me to thinking. What would the equivalent of “road head” be if said person is flying a plane instead of driving the car? “Air Head”? Never mind, Sadie. You have to like the male genitals to understand.
-Sadie: “I found sssssssomething different in him that I haven’t ssssssseen in other guyssssssss before.” What? No upper lip? An elongated nose? A horrible kissing problem? The perfect part down one side of his hair? What does this guy possess that the other fine gentleman you’ve dated didn’t have? This guy has zero to offer other than his shortness and his lack of Italian culture. Other than that, he’s Prince McDreamboat. Is 23-year old Sadie really interested in a 34-year old Prince? Or is she just looking for someone of stature to perform the de-flowerization on national television? I think she’s leaning towards the latter. I know what I’ve said about this show and virgins, and I know that virgins never last on dating shows, but are we possibly going to see our first virgin winner in dating show history? Can it happen? I’m really scared to think it just might actually happen.
-So Sadie and Prince Borgie climb into the hot tub. Hey, we’re four episodes in, I think that’s the longest we’ve lasted without a hot tub scene. And what a hot tub scene it was. Sadie, I have a personal message to you. You are doing numerous men in the San Diego area a disservice by not allowing that body of yours to be ravaged on a nightly basis. Whoa. Real or fake? Hmmmm….I mean, they looked fake. But would a virgin really go out of her way to get implants? What would be the point? Wouldn’t that be kinda like Lucy continuously pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown when he kicks it? Seriously, why not just introduce your boyfriend as “blue balls” and be done with it?
-Sadie and Prince Bluey are having stimulating conversation in the tub about him being a pilot. Sadie: “Pilots are hot.” Oh, ok Paris. Wait a second, says who? When do we ever get to see the pilot? Maybe for a split second when you’re boarding? Or the split second when you’re getting off, and that’s if he just so happens to turn his head around to wave goodbye? Pilots aren’t hot. They’re old men who wear bad aftershave and continuously interrupt my movie viewing by telling me to look out my window at crap I don’t care about. Really? That’s the Rio Grande river down there? Thanks. Looks so beautiful and peaceful from 35,000 feet and climbing. As does EVERYTHING I’m looking at out the window. One of the best practical jokes I remember hearing you can do on a plane (and no, I’m not suggesting this) is when the pilot comes on at the beginning of the flight and says, “Welcome aboard, this is Captain Jones speaking….” is scream at the top of your lungs, “Noooooooooo!!!!!! Not Captain Jones!!!!!!!! He just got his license last week!!!!!!!!” That’ll sure ruffle a few feathers.
-Sadie: “One thing that really impresssssssed me was you didn’t ssssssssskip a beat when I told you I wasssssss a virgin.” Prince Liar: “I don’t know if you ever had any guys that minded it, but that’s sorta weird.” No, you’re weird, dude. And lying through your teeth. Just shutup and stop playing the “gee-golly-gosh-darn-guys-have-treated-you-different-because-you’re-a-virgin?” card. She can read you like a book. And if she can’t, she’s naïve. Like you’ve ever been in this situation with a 23-year old hottie virgin sitting next to you. I might actually give him credit for being able to spew out that line without bursting into laughter. Hell, I sure did. He’s a mighty fine actor, I tell ya’.
-Sadie: “I’ve noticcccccccced you wanted to kissssssss me all day long…..let’ssssssssss pretend it’s the end of the date right now.” Awwwww man, so you’re gonna give him a handshake and a one-armed hug? That sucks. Let’s see him work that embarrassing tongue action again. Yep. There it is. All right. This needs to stop. What is this guy doing? Had he ever kissed anyone before coming on this show? Anyone? Sadie’s a virgin for crying out loud and is looking like she has a 15 year head start on him on the art of kissing. How does he sleep at night? It’s indescribable. I’m not gonna try. If you didn’t see it, I’m sorry. You didn’t miss much. But because she didn’t laugh in his face, she gets a rose. So this insures Sadie a hometown visit, and a de-flowering on the bed she used to brush My Little Pony’s hair on.
-Commercial. You know who the luckiest guy on the planet must be? Jared from Subway. Do you realize that this guy is still pimping that place as its spokesperson? How many years ago did he first break onto the scene telling us he lost a trillion pounds eating a turkey club for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Had to be ten years ago didn’t it? I guess props to him for not only losing the weight, but actually continuing to lose weight. My God. This guy’s gonna be battling Nicole Richie’s skeleton ass if he doesn’t watch himself. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Subway. Footlong tuna on wheat with tomatoes. Yum-my. I just don’t need it for every meal. Would you rather drop weight by eating better, or popping pills every day and developing the crazies like that whack job Anna Nicole has? Tough call.
-Lisa, Ahn-YAY-zay, Jeannette, and Desiree are ready for their group date. They’ve each been given togas to put on. White togas. Because they’re getting thrown in the pool later and it wouldn’t only be fitting to have them in white togas. Makes the whole wet t-shirt concept more effective. I’m with ya’ ABC. Good call on that one. Let’s see more of it. How about next week, you just line the remaining four up side-by-side in white evening gowns while P-Zo hoses them down with a squirt gun. The girl who can produces the fastest set of headlights first wins the solo date. I should be producing this show. Desiree: “I look like a sexy Roman Princess baby.” Baby, no, you look like a slut. And you act like one.
-Lisa: “I couldn’t tell you anything about Roman history, but I could tell you all about the Bachelors history.” Oooooohhhhhh goodie. Glad you mentioned that Lisa, because I get to unveil the first ever, “Reality Steve Bachelor Quiz”. Ok, get your crayon out. Here are the top 5 questions on the board. Ready? Go….
1. How many pounds did Bob Guiney lose after being dumped by Trista but before appearing as Bachelor #4?
2. True or False: If you take the number of girls Jesse Palmer laid pipe to, and multiplied it by the number of guys Jen Schefft let suck on her tongue, would your answer be zero?
3. Byron Velvick was:
a) a redneck
b) orange skinned
c) a professional bass fisherman
d) a lying sack of crap who told Tanya and her family during a toast on her hometown visit, “Here‘s to Christmas in Texas”, then chose Mary
e) all of the above
4. Andrew Firestone’s best quality was:
a) his boyish good looks
b) his family’s winery
c) his skirt chasing
d) his lazy eye
5. True or False: Absolutely no one remembers a damn thing about Meredith’s season.
Get to work, Lisa. Anything less than five correct out of five and you are officially disqualified from the show. Meaning you have to return the wedding dress you already bought, you have ten months to force someone to propose to you, and you have to destroy the DeLorean as soon as possible. You may not go visit 1955.
-So they had Chariot races with the women. Two, two-woman teams. The ultimate winner got a wish. Jeannette and Ahn-YAY-zay raced Lisa and Desiree. Jeannette and Ahn-YAY-zay win. Then those two raced. Jeannette won. Then Jeannette raced Prince Medieval Times and if she won, she got a wish. Hmmmmm…wonder how this one was gonna turn out? Prince has the lead the whole race, then somehow Jeannette makes a miraculous comeback and wins. A huge, huge upset. Totally never saw that coming. So Jeannette has one wish to make and needs time to make up her mind. I’m glad she took her time to come up with what ultimately ended up sending her home. Good jaaaaaaaaab, Jeannette.
-Back at the mansion, Jennifer and Sadie wait for Jennifer’s box to come. Uhhhh..hhhhuhhh…hhhuhhhh…Uhhh…hhhhuuuhhh..huh huh huh…huh huh….Uhhhhh…huh huh huh….Jennifer takes out a black lace purse with some coins in them. Didn’t really get that, but oh well. Not for me to understand I guess. But now the sexual predator Sadie is jealous. Sadie: “I’m not the best sharer when it comes to guys.” Nor is she the best giver. Or receiver. Sorry. Had to. It was too easy. That joke just wrote itself. I didn’t even type anything. It just appeared right after I typed “…comes to guys.”
-Time for Ahn-YAY-zay to try and communicate with a man who will potentially be her husband. Ahn-YAY-zay: “I vant to bring im to my family.” That’s great Agnes. But we don’t want him to. You’ve offered us nothing other than a pretty face and some horrible abuse of the English language. But Agnes won’t go down without a fight. She tells Prince Rodent that it bothered her he went out on a date with Sadie. Ummm, someone has explained to her this is a TV show that’s being filmed right? She does understand this is a game? Honey, Prince went out with Sadie because that what was chosen for him by Erica the Princess. You know, your best friend. No reason to be angry. Especially since he probably still wouldn’t have chosen you if he hadn’t been forced to go with Sadie. But better luck next time. Stick to the foreign guys. And oh yeah, ones that speak your language.
-Lisa is talking with Jeannette and telling her all about how she has her hometown date already planned out just like the rest of her life. Something to do with her dog being there, her brother cooking the dinner, she’ll take the Prince to the park, she’ll start ovulating around 7:15, they’ll head to the bedroom, they must do it missionary because that’s the easiest way to conceive, she’ll finish before him, and they’ll shower up in time for dinner at 8:00. Whoa. I think Lisa is taking this timeline a bit too far. Next thing you’ll tell me is that she’s got wedding magazines laid out around the house and she’s gonna bust out the wedding dress when he comes over. Uhhhh, woops.
-Jeannette gets some alone time with Prince to reveal to him what her wish is. After really thinking hard about this, she comes up with, “My wish is that you enjoy this moment and have a good time.” I’m sorry? Tell me she didn’t use that as her wish. You wanted a guarantee into the final four sweetie? Tell him your wish is that he gives you one of his horrible kisses. Tell him that if you get a hometown date, you’ll give him a hand...at cooking dinner. Tell him if you got an overnight date, you’d dress up in a nightie and seduce him with scented candles, a bubble bath, some strawberries, and a bar of Land O’ Lakes Sharp Cheddar Cheese. Jeannette, I don’t know how to put this any other way. That was the lamest wish known to mankind. Hope you enjoyed the flight home with the stale bag of pretzels and the Captain that won’t shutup.
-So let’s just skip right to the meat and potatoes of Prince Cheese and Jennifer’s date. Prince Travolta picks her up in white jacket, black shirt, and white pants. If only a disco ball could’ve followed him around all night. It was dinner on the rooftop overlooking the Vatican. How lovely. A beautiful view, really. They could actually see through the windows at the Vatican and witness firsthand priests touching young boys. Very special night. So Jennifer tells the Prince about her career as a guidance counselor. Jennifer: “I like to look at people’s problems.” Weeeeeellllll, you’ve come to the right place Jennifer. The man sitting right next to you, you know, the one who could potentially be your husband someday, he’s got a major problem. He sucks face like he belongs on the short bus to school. And he probably likes bologna sandwiches. Fix that, Doc.
-Back at the mansion, Lisa and Desiree were so s***faced and horny, they decide to go streaking and jump in the pool. ABC decided to edit out their chest region once their tops came off. I don’t understand why that was necessary, but maybe that’s just me. I think seeing each of these women running at full speed with their breasts flapping in the wind would have definitely made an impression on not only me, but the rest of the viewing audience. In Desiree’s case, I think it would’ve been nice to see her try to avoid her rack with her knees while running. And Desiree is so bombed out, she pronounces “tequila” as “Te-QUILLIE-ay”. Thanks for that. If anyone ever hears me pronounce “tequila” like that, please strike me across the face with an anvil.
-Still at dinner, P-Rat is explaining to Jennifer how his parents met. “They met at a grocery store. My dad bagged my mom’s groceries…and now they’ve been married 40 years.” I tell you what, nothing says “love at first sight” more than the pimply faced 15 year old who is putting my jar of pasta sauce in the same bag as my loaf of bread, ending any hopes I have of not eating a deformed peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And since P-Lo’s parents met in a foreign country, I think the “My dad bagged my mom’s groceries” has more than one meaning. That’s what I think. Why? Because it’s 4:00 am and that’s where my mind is right now.
-So he gives Jennifer a rose and they head off to some important fountain. This is where people come to make wishes, so he gives her a quarter (or maybe she had her own), she makes a wish, and unfortunately, the wish seemed to manifest itself right there. The Prince grabs her face and is like pushing her face backwards when he’s kissing her. And she does not seem to care for this unwarranted attack on her face. You thought the other kisses he’s given were awful. This one took the cake. I think everyone surrounding them felt the same way I did. “Get help!!! This weenie in the white jump suit is suffocating this poor young lady!!!!” Read a book, Lorenzo. Watch a porn. Do something to get that corrected. I’m embarrassed for the guy. And you think I’m the only one on your case, pal? I’ve got a slew of emails in my inbox from women who are voicing the same sentiments. Your tongue is a weapon of mass destruction that needs to be stopped before it destroys more innocent people.
-Commercial. I just thought it was really funny that Jergens lotion is running an ad during this show. Because that’s exactly what the Prince will need a year supply of if he chooses Sadie to be his future wife. A lot of lonely nights he and Palmala Handerson will have together. Good luck to you, bro. I don’t even know what to say to you at this point. Well, yes I do. Don’t pick a virgin.
-At the cocktail hour where the four ladies competing for roses have one final plea for the Prince, Ahn-YAY-zay makes the most profound one of them all. Ahn-YAY-zay: “I sink oll aff ass feel somefing for you.” Well said, honey. Well said. You think she’s as big of fan of the “Bachelor” as Lisa is? Me too. And oh yeah, Jeannette admitted her wish sucked. Yeah, it did. Big time. How could Lorenzo possibly choose you after you literally blew a chance to have him feel you up if you wanted? Priorities woman. I can’t feel sorry for you. I want to. But I can’t. Sadie’s not giving up the ass and she’s moving on. You needed to do something to set yourself apart from the other and you dropped the ball. Booooooooooooo......
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Sadie and Jennifer already with roses, so its four ladies competing for two roses, hometown dates, and one step closer to breaking out the diaphragms for the overnight dates. Is there any woman in America that still uses that as a form of birth control? The sponge? Don’t answer that. Let’s move on.
-P-Weenie: “I told you all to be yourself….open up to me….I don’t have any reasons to say goodbye to any of you…..except Jeannette who really missed out on laying one of my speciality “Tongue of Doom” kisses on her.
Lisa: I absolutely cannot wait until next week when she officially anoints herself “Psycho Queen”.
Only two roses to give, which means Host Chris has nothing to say to the rest of us. I think we’re all better for it. I really do.
Ahn-YAY-zay: Watching him interacting with her parents next week might make for a good laugh or a 1,000.
-Jeannette: “It’s a shaaaaaack. A total shaaaaaack.” Not to us it isn’t. If you wanted a rose, you would’ve wished for more than Lorenzo’s happiness. Maybe you could’ve just wished for his Mr. Happy?
-So next week we see previews of hometown dates. Lisa puts on her wedding dress, Jen’s dad breaks out a shotgun, Sadie gives him the key to unlock her box of goodies, and P-Lo tries to speak with Ahn-YAY-zay’s father while receiving the look of “Where the Hell Am I?” in return. And Erica returns to us live from her bathtub in bubbles. Wet, horny, and naked. I guess she’ll be giving us a live play-by-play or something. And when she’s done, maybe it’ll be of the girls hometown dates.
-The bonus footage at the end showed Prince asking the ladies the craziest place they’ve had sex. Of course, Desiree was the first one to offer up her services…errrr….her answer. “In the girls locker room at my high school.” Why does that not surprise me? Lisa’s craziest place was on a floatie in the middle of a lake. Set to an egg timer. Between the minutes of 2:30-2:33 in the afternoon. On a Wednesday. After a lunar eclipse. You are a precious, precious child Lisa. God help you. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
-So they started with the weekly recap, and we got to see P-Lo giving one of my favorite lines of the season back on episode one when he uttered, “There’s no place like Rome.” I was thinking of some equally equivalent lines in television/movie history that were just as cheesy as that line was. “I wish I could quit you.” (No, I didn’t see the movie, but I’ve heard that line enough times. Yeah sorry, just not too interested in two cowboys drilling each other for two hours. Especially when Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t have to get into character for the part). “You had me at hello.” A great pickup line to use, actually. It’s worked before. “Move aside, cuz I wanna riiiiiiiide, with a Coo-ooo-ooo-oool Rider!” Sorry. I just felt like quoting one of the all-time cheesiest songs. I could keep going if you want. Ok, I won’t.
-So Host Chris explains we have a group date, and two one-on-one dates. These dates will be based on answers to two questions each of the six girls will give into a video camera. And they will be judged by somebody that the girls know. They will go and give their answers, then it will be revealed who’s judging them. Gee, I wonder? Is it Helene from Season 2? Or maybe they’ll bring back that one whore from that one season? Uhhhh yeah, it’s Erica. Big secret. The two questions each girl will be asked are, “Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?” and “Who is the most insincere girl in the house?” Great questions. Although, unlike “Last Comic Standing”, I wish the girls would’ve gotten to watch everyone’s answer. That would’ve made it much more catty. And it would’ve been nice to see Lisa hurl herself off the balcony after hearing how much everyone hates her.
-So yeah, pretty much everyone who wasn’t named Lisa named Lisa in both of their answers. Lisa went after Jen saying, “She isn’t well spoken and isn’t that pretty without make up on.” Are any women? I’m talking about the make-up part. There are definitely some well spoken ones. I think. But is Lisa mixing up Jen and Jami? Jen isn’t well spoken? I haven’t noticed anything that suggests that. Now Jami on the other hand, I could see where Lisa might not find her well spoken. I mean, she is from Galveston, Texas. And we all know Galveston is where there’s, you know, a lot of not well spoken people. I think it’s the capital of not well spoken people. Anyway, my point being, quit ragging on Jen when everyone hates your ass.
-So after the ladies give their answer, Host Chris reveals the shocking/mystery/celebrity/slutty video reviewer…..it’s Erica! Holy crap, what a find! I’m sure none of the girls had a clue it would be her. You know, especially after Chris said, “It’s a girl you all know.” Gee, don’t give it away too easy ABC. So Erica enters the room like, well, only Erica could enter a room. “What’s up, bitches? I’m back.” Couldn’t she have gone Luke from the “O.C.” and been like, “Welcome to the Rome, bitch” then pimp slapped Jeannette’s accent out of her mouth? That would’ve been funny. Literally impossible, but funny. And by the way, that line is one of the five best lines ever uttered in network television history. You had to have lived in the O.C. at some point to truly appreciate the complete corniness of it. I miss the O.C.
-Erica: “I love seeing the look of horror across Ag-KNEE-zies face when I walked in.” At what? The fact that you just returned or that you butchered her name for the fourth different time? Ag-KNEE-zies? This girl was your freakin’ roommate and you still can’t pronounce her name? Are you retarded? You’re embarrassing. Go away. Well, I guess ABC listened because that’s all we see of Erica for the rest of the show. She gives the solo dates to Sadie and Jennifer because they were real and honest. And oh yeah, because she hates Lisa, Ag-KNEE-zies, Desiree, and Jeannette. Oh wait. She’s coming back next week to for some unknown reason. All I know is it has to do with her naked in a bubble bath giving us her opinions on the remaining four girls while rubbing herself. Or something like that.
-Sadie gets the first solo date and Prince Douchebag is going to fly her in his plane somewhere. Just the two of them. Awwww…how romantic. Sadie definitely thinks so. Sadie: “You really know how to fly. I’m impresssssssssssed.” Actually, he’s faking it. He just learned yesterday. But for the sake of the show, they were willing to risk two peoples well beings just so he could take you up in an airplane. You know when you signed your life over to ABC when you agreed to do the show, well yeah, in there it says that there’s a small chance one of you would get to go up in a plane with a completely inexperienced, long nosed, weenie and whatever happens, happens. Should’ve read the fine print. Prince Pilot was letting Sadie handle his joystick while he was flying, which got me to thinking. What would the equivalent of “road head” be if said person is flying a plane instead of driving the car? “Air Head”? Never mind, Sadie. You have to like the male genitals to understand.
-Sadie: “I found sssssssomething different in him that I haven’t ssssssseen in other guyssssssss before.” What? No upper lip? An elongated nose? A horrible kissing problem? The perfect part down one side of his hair? What does this guy possess that the other fine gentleman you’ve dated didn’t have? This guy has zero to offer other than his shortness and his lack of Italian culture. Other than that, he’s Prince McDreamboat. Is 23-year old Sadie really interested in a 34-year old Prince? Or is she just looking for someone of stature to perform the de-flowerization on national television? I think she’s leaning towards the latter. I know what I’ve said about this show and virgins, and I know that virgins never last on dating shows, but are we possibly going to see our first virgin winner in dating show history? Can it happen? I’m really scared to think it just might actually happen.
-So Sadie and Prince Borgie climb into the hot tub. Hey, we’re four episodes in, I think that’s the longest we’ve lasted without a hot tub scene. And what a hot tub scene it was. Sadie, I have a personal message to you. You are doing numerous men in the San Diego area a disservice by not allowing that body of yours to be ravaged on a nightly basis. Whoa. Real or fake? Hmmmm….I mean, they looked fake. But would a virgin really go out of her way to get implants? What would be the point? Wouldn’t that be kinda like Lucy continuously pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown when he kicks it? Seriously, why not just introduce your boyfriend as “blue balls” and be done with it?
-Sadie and Prince Bluey are having stimulating conversation in the tub about him being a pilot. Sadie: “Pilots are hot.” Oh, ok Paris. Wait a second, says who? When do we ever get to see the pilot? Maybe for a split second when you’re boarding? Or the split second when you’re getting off, and that’s if he just so happens to turn his head around to wave goodbye? Pilots aren’t hot. They’re old men who wear bad aftershave and continuously interrupt my movie viewing by telling me to look out my window at crap I don’t care about. Really? That’s the Rio Grande river down there? Thanks. Looks so beautiful and peaceful from 35,000 feet and climbing. As does EVERYTHING I’m looking at out the window. One of the best practical jokes I remember hearing you can do on a plane (and no, I’m not suggesting this) is when the pilot comes on at the beginning of the flight and says, “Welcome aboard, this is Captain Jones speaking….” is scream at the top of your lungs, “Noooooooooo!!!!!! Not Captain Jones!!!!!!!! He just got his license last week!!!!!!!!” That’ll sure ruffle a few feathers.
-Sadie: “One thing that really impresssssssed me was you didn’t ssssssssskip a beat when I told you I wasssssss a virgin.” Prince Liar: “I don’t know if you ever had any guys that minded it, but that’s sorta weird.” No, you’re weird, dude. And lying through your teeth. Just shutup and stop playing the “gee-golly-gosh-darn-guys-have-treated-you-different-because-you’re-a-virgin?” card. She can read you like a book. And if she can’t, she’s naïve. Like you’ve ever been in this situation with a 23-year old hottie virgin sitting next to you. I might actually give him credit for being able to spew out that line without bursting into laughter. Hell, I sure did. He’s a mighty fine actor, I tell ya’.
-Sadie: “I’ve noticcccccccced you wanted to kissssssss me all day long…..let’ssssssssss pretend it’s the end of the date right now.” Awwwww man, so you’re gonna give him a handshake and a one-armed hug? That sucks. Let’s see him work that embarrassing tongue action again. Yep. There it is. All right. This needs to stop. What is this guy doing? Had he ever kissed anyone before coming on this show? Anyone? Sadie’s a virgin for crying out loud and is looking like she has a 15 year head start on him on the art of kissing. How does he sleep at night? It’s indescribable. I’m not gonna try. If you didn’t see it, I’m sorry. You didn’t miss much. But because she didn’t laugh in his face, she gets a rose. So this insures Sadie a hometown visit, and a de-flowering on the bed she used to brush My Little Pony’s hair on.
-Commercial. You know who the luckiest guy on the planet must be? Jared from Subway. Do you realize that this guy is still pimping that place as its spokesperson? How many years ago did he first break onto the scene telling us he lost a trillion pounds eating a turkey club for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Had to be ten years ago didn’t it? I guess props to him for not only losing the weight, but actually continuing to lose weight. My God. This guy’s gonna be battling Nicole Richie’s skeleton ass if he doesn’t watch himself. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Subway. Footlong tuna on wheat with tomatoes. Yum-my. I just don’t need it for every meal. Would you rather drop weight by eating better, or popping pills every day and developing the crazies like that whack job Anna Nicole has? Tough call.
-Lisa, Ahn-YAY-zay, Jeannette, and Desiree are ready for their group date. They’ve each been given togas to put on. White togas. Because they’re getting thrown in the pool later and it wouldn’t only be fitting to have them in white togas. Makes the whole wet t-shirt concept more effective. I’m with ya’ ABC. Good call on that one. Let’s see more of it. How about next week, you just line the remaining four up side-by-side in white evening gowns while P-Zo hoses them down with a squirt gun. The girl who can produces the fastest set of headlights first wins the solo date. I should be producing this show. Desiree: “I look like a sexy Roman Princess baby.” Baby, no, you look like a slut. And you act like one.
-Lisa: “I couldn’t tell you anything about Roman history, but I could tell you all about the Bachelors history.” Oooooohhhhhh goodie. Glad you mentioned that Lisa, because I get to unveil the first ever, “Reality Steve Bachelor Quiz”. Ok, get your crayon out. Here are the top 5 questions on the board. Ready? Go….
1. How many pounds did Bob Guiney lose after being dumped by Trista but before appearing as Bachelor #4?
2. True or False: If you take the number of girls Jesse Palmer laid pipe to, and multiplied it by the number of guys Jen Schefft let suck on her tongue, would your answer be zero?
3. Byron Velvick was:
a) a redneck
b) orange skinned
c) a professional bass fisherman
d) a lying sack of crap who told Tanya and her family during a toast on her hometown visit, “Here‘s to Christmas in Texas”, then chose Mary
e) all of the above
4. Andrew Firestone’s best quality was:
a) his boyish good looks
b) his family’s winery
c) his skirt chasing
d) his lazy eye
5. True or False: Absolutely no one remembers a damn thing about Meredith’s season.
Get to work, Lisa. Anything less than five correct out of five and you are officially disqualified from the show. Meaning you have to return the wedding dress you already bought, you have ten months to force someone to propose to you, and you have to destroy the DeLorean as soon as possible. You may not go visit 1955.
-So they had Chariot races with the women. Two, two-woman teams. The ultimate winner got a wish. Jeannette and Ahn-YAY-zay raced Lisa and Desiree. Jeannette and Ahn-YAY-zay win. Then those two raced. Jeannette won. Then Jeannette raced Prince Medieval Times and if she won, she got a wish. Hmmmmm…wonder how this one was gonna turn out? Prince has the lead the whole race, then somehow Jeannette makes a miraculous comeback and wins. A huge, huge upset. Totally never saw that coming. So Jeannette has one wish to make and needs time to make up her mind. I’m glad she took her time to come up with what ultimately ended up sending her home. Good jaaaaaaaaab, Jeannette.
-Back at the mansion, Jennifer and Sadie wait for Jennifer’s box to come. Uhhhh..hhhhuhhh…hhhuhhhh…Uhhh…hhhhuuuhhh..huh huh huh…huh huh….Uhhhhh…huh huh huh….Jennifer takes out a black lace purse with some coins in them. Didn’t really get that, but oh well. Not for me to understand I guess. But now the sexual predator Sadie is jealous. Sadie: “I’m not the best sharer when it comes to guys.” Nor is she the best giver. Or receiver. Sorry. Had to. It was too easy. That joke just wrote itself. I didn’t even type anything. It just appeared right after I typed “…comes to guys.”
-Time for Ahn-YAY-zay to try and communicate with a man who will potentially be her husband. Ahn-YAY-zay: “I vant to bring im to my family.” That’s great Agnes. But we don’t want him to. You’ve offered us nothing other than a pretty face and some horrible abuse of the English language. But Agnes won’t go down without a fight. She tells Prince Rodent that it bothered her he went out on a date with Sadie. Ummm, someone has explained to her this is a TV show that’s being filmed right? She does understand this is a game? Honey, Prince went out with Sadie because that what was chosen for him by Erica the Princess. You know, your best friend. No reason to be angry. Especially since he probably still wouldn’t have chosen you if he hadn’t been forced to go with Sadie. But better luck next time. Stick to the foreign guys. And oh yeah, ones that speak your language.
-Lisa is talking with Jeannette and telling her all about how she has her hometown date already planned out just like the rest of her life. Something to do with her dog being there, her brother cooking the dinner, she’ll take the Prince to the park, she’ll start ovulating around 7:15, they’ll head to the bedroom, they must do it missionary because that’s the easiest way to conceive, she’ll finish before him, and they’ll shower up in time for dinner at 8:00. Whoa. I think Lisa is taking this timeline a bit too far. Next thing you’ll tell me is that she’s got wedding magazines laid out around the house and she’s gonna bust out the wedding dress when he comes over. Uhhhh, woops.
-Jeannette gets some alone time with Prince to reveal to him what her wish is. After really thinking hard about this, she comes up with, “My wish is that you enjoy this moment and have a good time.” I’m sorry? Tell me she didn’t use that as her wish. You wanted a guarantee into the final four sweetie? Tell him your wish is that he gives you one of his horrible kisses. Tell him that if you get a hometown date, you’ll give him a hand...at cooking dinner. Tell him if you got an overnight date, you’d dress up in a nightie and seduce him with scented candles, a bubble bath, some strawberries, and a bar of Land O’ Lakes Sharp Cheddar Cheese. Jeannette, I don’t know how to put this any other way. That was the lamest wish known to mankind. Hope you enjoyed the flight home with the stale bag of pretzels and the Captain that won’t shutup.
-So let’s just skip right to the meat and potatoes of Prince Cheese and Jennifer’s date. Prince Travolta picks her up in white jacket, black shirt, and white pants. If only a disco ball could’ve followed him around all night. It was dinner on the rooftop overlooking the Vatican. How lovely. A beautiful view, really. They could actually see through the windows at the Vatican and witness firsthand priests touching young boys. Very special night. So Jennifer tells the Prince about her career as a guidance counselor. Jennifer: “I like to look at people’s problems.” Weeeeeellllll, you’ve come to the right place Jennifer. The man sitting right next to you, you know, the one who could potentially be your husband someday, he’s got a major problem. He sucks face like he belongs on the short bus to school. And he probably likes bologna sandwiches. Fix that, Doc.
-Back at the mansion, Lisa and Desiree were so s***faced and horny, they decide to go streaking and jump in the pool. ABC decided to edit out their chest region once their tops came off. I don’t understand why that was necessary, but maybe that’s just me. I think seeing each of these women running at full speed with their breasts flapping in the wind would have definitely made an impression on not only me, but the rest of the viewing audience. In Desiree’s case, I think it would’ve been nice to see her try to avoid her rack with her knees while running. And Desiree is so bombed out, she pronounces “tequila” as “Te-QUILLIE-ay”. Thanks for that. If anyone ever hears me pronounce “tequila” like that, please strike me across the face with an anvil.
-Still at dinner, P-Rat is explaining to Jennifer how his parents met. “They met at a grocery store. My dad bagged my mom’s groceries…and now they’ve been married 40 years.” I tell you what, nothing says “love at first sight” more than the pimply faced 15 year old who is putting my jar of pasta sauce in the same bag as my loaf of bread, ending any hopes I have of not eating a deformed peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And since P-Lo’s parents met in a foreign country, I think the “My dad bagged my mom’s groceries” has more than one meaning. That’s what I think. Why? Because it’s 4:00 am and that’s where my mind is right now.
-So he gives Jennifer a rose and they head off to some important fountain. This is where people come to make wishes, so he gives her a quarter (or maybe she had her own), she makes a wish, and unfortunately, the wish seemed to manifest itself right there. The Prince grabs her face and is like pushing her face backwards when he’s kissing her. And she does not seem to care for this unwarranted attack on her face. You thought the other kisses he’s given were awful. This one took the cake. I think everyone surrounding them felt the same way I did. “Get help!!! This weenie in the white jump suit is suffocating this poor young lady!!!!” Read a book, Lorenzo. Watch a porn. Do something to get that corrected. I’m embarrassed for the guy. And you think I’m the only one on your case, pal? I’ve got a slew of emails in my inbox from women who are voicing the same sentiments. Your tongue is a weapon of mass destruction that needs to be stopped before it destroys more innocent people.
-Commercial. I just thought it was really funny that Jergens lotion is running an ad during this show. Because that’s exactly what the Prince will need a year supply of if he chooses Sadie to be his future wife. A lot of lonely nights he and Palmala Handerson will have together. Good luck to you, bro. I don’t even know what to say to you at this point. Well, yes I do. Don’t pick a virgin.
-At the cocktail hour where the four ladies competing for roses have one final plea for the Prince, Ahn-YAY-zay makes the most profound one of them all. Ahn-YAY-zay: “I sink oll aff ass feel somefing for you.” Well said, honey. Well said. You think she’s as big of fan of the “Bachelor” as Lisa is? Me too. And oh yeah, Jeannette admitted her wish sucked. Yeah, it did. Big time. How could Lorenzo possibly choose you after you literally blew a chance to have him feel you up if you wanted? Priorities woman. I can’t feel sorry for you. I want to. But I can’t. Sadie’s not giving up the ass and she’s moving on. You needed to do something to set yourself apart from the other and you dropped the ball. Booooooooooooo......
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Sadie and Jennifer already with roses, so its four ladies competing for two roses, hometown dates, and one step closer to breaking out the diaphragms for the overnight dates. Is there any woman in America that still uses that as a form of birth control? The sponge? Don’t answer that. Let’s move on.
-P-Weenie: “I told you all to be yourself….open up to me….I don’t have any reasons to say goodbye to any of you…..except Jeannette who really missed out on laying one of my speciality “Tongue of Doom” kisses on her.
Lisa: I absolutely cannot wait until next week when she officially anoints herself “Psycho Queen”.
Only two roses to give, which means Host Chris has nothing to say to the rest of us. I think we’re all better for it. I really do.
Ahn-YAY-zay: Watching him interacting with her parents next week might make for a good laugh or a 1,000.
-Jeannette: “It’s a shaaaaaack. A total shaaaaaack.” Not to us it isn’t. If you wanted a rose, you would’ve wished for more than Lorenzo’s happiness. Maybe you could’ve just wished for his Mr. Happy?
-So next week we see previews of hometown dates. Lisa puts on her wedding dress, Jen’s dad breaks out a shotgun, Sadie gives him the key to unlock her box of goodies, and P-Lo tries to speak with Ahn-YAY-zay’s father while receiving the look of “Where the Hell Am I?” in return. And Erica returns to us live from her bathtub in bubbles. Wet, horny, and naked. I guess she’ll be giving us a live play-by-play or something. And when she’s done, maybe it’ll be of the girls hometown dates.
-The bonus footage at the end showed Prince asking the ladies the craziest place they’ve had sex. Of course, Desiree was the first one to offer up her services…errrr….her answer. “In the girls locker room at my high school.” Why does that not surprise me? Lisa’s craziest place was on a floatie in the middle of a lake. Set to an egg timer. Between the minutes of 2:30-2:33 in the afternoon. On a Wednesday. After a lunar eclipse. You are a precious, precious child Lisa. God help you. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 2:38 AM
16 Comments:
Steve- fantastic recap as usual- however, it was Jennifer's parents who met when her dad was "bagging" her mom's groceries. P-Lo's parents met at a mutual friend's wedding. Just wanted to give you the 411...Despite her horrible "wish", I'm shocked Lorenzo picked the Italian chick instead of Jeanette. Yeah, her accent annoyed me too, but it hurst my brain to try to figure out what the hell Ahn-NEE-zay is talking about. And I almost peed my pants when Lisa came out in the wedding dress...
I don't know how you do it Steve but this recap keeps getting better and better each week. Perhaps it is because, while the show this season is unquestionably the lamest edition ever, it has given your more material to work with.
In any event, thank you again for proving that the only reason to watch the bloody show is so that we can appreciate your commentary.
I'm still laughing at your phonetic recap of Agnese's chat with P-Lo just prior to the rose ceremony...outstanding!
Want to know how pathetic this is... I don't even watch the show any more, nor do read the re-cap to a tee, but I always read the comments...LOL, it's all so entertaining. But I will say..... Steve you always have me cracking up over here. You're so creative in your writing!!!
I'm sure I'll read Reality Roundup, when you place it up for us all to see, 'being you're going to be writing on more shows', and personally I find the THE BACHELOR, steeling an hour of my life, and I just won't have it anymore. Now the other shows that you're going to be writing on.. I find a bit more entertaining.
Thanks
Steve-
Why don't you ever post replies here to people comments? I mean you could post here and there? You know be a little interactive with your fans.
I agree he does look like a rat but think he might look more like the black/white spy from mad
Steve, Just wanted you to know that you've been on my "Favorites" list for a while now and you just get better and better! I'd love to see you as the next Bachelor - it would be a RIOT!!! I'd definitely get everyone to tune in! Take care and keep it up!
I'll say it again Ahn-NEE-zay has it in the bag. Trust me on this one.
Steve,
Didn't you notice that the Erica thing was totally fake? They dubbed Chris Harrison's voice and never showed Erica and the girls together. When they were together, you could tell it was a split screen. go back and watch it again. They had someone else watch the videos, then when there was so much fuss about Erica this season, they went back and changed it to her to be the one that picked their dates. Please watch it again and see what they did!
Hello steve!
Hope that you get a chance to read these comments once in a while. Jennifer is right. It Rat boy's parents met at a friends wedding. I can't wait to see what next week brings on your commentary. It's going to be great. I think Lisa is gone next week. A wedding dress that early would scare away any man. Is it just me or does this season seem a whole lot shorter than the last few years? They're kicking off an awful lot of women very rapidly. It doesn't seem like they could be spending that much time with Rat boy to actually get to know him. It doesn't matter anyway because the show's track record for producing lasting relationships stinks.
Anyway, I have a couple of new posts up and I'm hoping that some more people get to reading it. My most recent post is about the proper care and feeding of your man. I'll try to get another up tonight or tomorrow.
So any of y'all can check it out when you want.
http://www.rockinmommy.blogspot.com/
Hi Steve! Great job you've been doing in the recaps. I haven't seen the Bachelor since France. I wondered about some of the girls that he selected - couldn't stand that radiogist from the midwest, Erica yuck, Desiree is such a ho.
Agnes and Lisa should be gone next week. Personally I'm rooting for Sadie but it would not suprise me if Jennifer goes with her dad bringing out that shotgun.
Hi Steve! Your recaps are hysterical!
Just wanted to let you know that P-Lo sent Jen a little purse with some Italian coins in them and an invitation to their date. Those coins were her clue they were going to the TREVI FOUNTAIN but god forbid she should actually know anything about Italy! Those were the coins she threw in the fountain.
Keep up the great snark -- I love it!
Loved the recap *natch*!
I cannot believe you did not pick up on our Prince telling the girls the most interesting place he's "done it" was in the girl's residence(meaning at the place they are all staying at.). He was actually alluding ot hte notion that he bagged one of them on their own turf and you missed it!
Steve, I love you. Really. Maybe I just have the Anna Nicole crazies, but I love you!
Steve,
I am certain beyond a doubt that at the final rose ceremony, Prince Borcheesy will look at the girls, thank them for the best ride ever, then turn and give Chris the rose. A perfect choice and a perfect ending, if you know what I mean.
As soon as I saw the coins in the purse, I knew they were going to visit the Trevi Fountain.
It's tradition to wish to revisit Rome and then with your back to the fountain, throw the coin over your shoulder.
FYI... After the streaking by Desiree and Lisa, I believe that Desiree pronounced it "To-Kill-Ya" which is a common, funny way to refer to Tequila. I'm not a Desiree fan, but I don't think she butchered the word, she was just trying to be cute.
Great column, Steve! I love it!
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