"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 10/9/06
-I have an announcement to make. For the first time since I started writing this column, which is about 10 or 11 seasons now, I’m sitting here about to start and am in an unbelievably good mood. I have no idea why. I’m wide awake, it’s midnight, I feel like I can write for hours, and I’m just giddy over absolutely nothing. I didn’t get a promotion, didn’t particularly have a great dinner, didn’t get laid….I don’t know what it is. But for some reason, I am in an exceptionally good mood and I’m not dreading writing this column. I have no idea what’s gotten into me. So there. You’ve been warned. I’m gonna write my ass off tonight. This thing might be 35 pages long. Or not.
-So anyway, let me start off by saying I just recently got my own place. After eight years of living in some roommate situation, I am FINALLY by myself. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Maybe not. Not sure. I think I’ve talked about a couple of my past roommates before - some good, some bad, and some crazy. But this is really, really foreign to me to have my own place. I can do whatever the hell I want now. Pretty damn cool. Like type naked with just my socks on. Kidding. Thats a horrific visual. I apologize. I was also excited that my new giant HDTV arrived last week, and I was going to see Prince Lorenzo Borghese in High Definition. Or I'd be able to see every strand in that perfectly parted hair of his. Or at least Erica’s cleavage. Nope. Didn’t realize the “Bachelor” doesn’t broadcast in HD. Damn it. This needs to happen next season. If there is one. Let’s begin…
-A recap of last week’s show gave us a clip that I don’t remember seeing. Probably because it happened at the very end, and by that time, I was bent over my chair with my finger down my throat trying to induce vomiting. But anyway, it was Lorenzo toasting the 12 girls he gave roses to saying, “There’s no place like Rome.” Oh God. The cheese factor just got elevated to a Level 5. Yet another line that I’m sure he had planned at least six months in advance. I think P-Lo should be forced to send the family of Judy Garland royalties for that ripoff of a line. Paulette from “Grease 2” needs some extra cash nowadays. I don’t think she’s doing anything. Yes, that’s Judy Garland’s daughter. Trust me. Don’t you dare ever question my “Grease 2” knowledge. Ever.
-Host Chris shows up on the patio where all 12 girls aren’t having their best day and tells them that there will be three dates: 2 group ones, and the 1-on-1 which goes to Lisa since she got the First Impression rose last week. Along with the $4 billion earrings. And eleven other chicks who now despise her tree-huggin’ ass. I take something back. Erica is looking dandy since apparently her tiara is glued onto her head. Holy crap. Take that thing off woman. It’s 10:00 am and your pageant was probably five years ago when your breasts weren’t halfway down your chest. Enough already. Hey, just because I’m in a great mood tonight doesn’t mean this women still can’t drive me crazy. Most women do. You know why? Because most women are crazy. Period. End of story. You don't believe me, here is a link to unseen video footage from the "Bachelor". It's Erica talking about and feeling her own real breasts. You've been warned.....
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1736304
-Date Box #1 goes to:: Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie and Agnese, which pronounced “Yev-geny”. So Agnese, pronounced “Yeg-wana-DOSH-ket”, decides to tell us what she thinks of American woman. Oh boy. This should be good. In very broken English, she blurts out “I not speak a lot of English. I don’t understand anything….It’s hard living with American girls. They are crazy.” Well Amen sister! Didn’t I just say that? Maybe Agnese, pronounced “Alli-baba”, and I need to spend more time together. I mean, I’m sure she’d get my humor and all. If she loved Lorenzo’s giraffe hunting knee-slapper from last week, I’m sure my sarcasm would just make her melt. Her and I are made for each other. Do you think she’s a fan of the “Rocky” movies and “24”?
-Erica is very distraught over her living quarters, so she expresses them to Host Chris. Erica: “I don’t want to live in a room with three other girls....My room at home is ten times this size. I don’t see any maids around here.” Holy f***. You’re kidding, right? Why doesn’t she just put on her little French maid outfit and do some dusting. Please. Like she doesn’t own one. Or her mom. Kathy and Paris Hilton should sue Erica and her mom for copyright infringement. Could they possibly be any more alike? Except for the fact that Erica’s cans are ten times bigger than Paris’, she doesn’t have an ex-friend who’s an anorexic little bug, and doesn’t have a homemade sex tape filmed in black light where she’s coked out of her mind getting rear ended by Rick Solomon. One that we know of. You know what’s crazy about Erica? I find her entertaining at least, because she isn’t fake about who she is. She pretty much lets you know she’s a princess and a spoiled rotten brat. A complete lunatic with no sense of reality, but still, an entertaining one at that.
-The first group date had them visit the Coliseum. I guess that was cool. There’s a Coliseum in L.A. but the similarities end in the name. I don’t think it’s the same one. Unless there’s crime, poverty, and homeless people that live near the Roman Coliseum. Didn’t think so. At this Coliseum, they took picture snapshots with fake Gladiators. Ummmm...fun times. I guess. If you’re twelve. The Lo’ pulls Agnese aside, which is correctly pronounced “Ahn-YAY-zay”, to see if she can speak anymore bad English to him. He tells her, “I want you to say, ‘You are a handsome man and I am in love with you’ in Italian”. Easy there, Mr. Ego. Now you’re forcing women to tell them stuff they don’t understand to begin with? What type of pig are you? Taking advantage of the less fortunate foreign women is not behavior becoming of a Prince.
-So to add even more fun to this yawner of a date, they decide to ride on mopeds around the Coliseum. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Can I join in? Erica makes up some B.S. excuse her license expired so she could straddle the Prince on his moped. Erica, you guys are put-putting around at 5 mph. I don’t think the Euro police have you high on their list of people they’re out to get. Get on the damn bike and scoot around like the rest of the girls. Oh wait. You can’t. You have to be on the bike with the Royal Lo’ to tell him when you first had sex. It was when she was 16, and it was with her best friend. But she didn’t enjoy it that much. Oh Lord. I wonder why? Because that wasn’t the pearl necklace you were expecting? Why do I just know that Erica has probably never been pleased sexually her whole life? Can you just imagine how high maitenance this chick must be in the sack? Ummmmm....I can. "Your on my hair....my leg is cramping...what time is it....my shoulder hurts....I can't bend that way...."
-Commercial. They ran some ad for the latest Chevy SUV. I don’t really have anything to say about the commercial itself, but it reminded me of the guy in the SUV driving alongside me tonight. Have you seen these people that have DVD’s on their front dashboard so they can watch TV when they drive? No, this wasn’t attached to the backseat for the kids, this was a DVD player that this man was watching in the car, by himself, while driving home. Look, I watch a lot of television. And I enjoy television. But so help me God, if I ever get to the point where I have to watch it while driving my car, I give any of you out there permission to just run me right off the road and plunging me to my death. Go ahead and do it. I’d deserve it at that point. Needless to say, I stepped on it and got as far away from that loser as possible.
-So while still on the first date, Prince No Top Lip has a surprise for the ladies. He has a rack of dresses for them to squeeze into for their big cocktail party tonight. This was interesting. There weren’t any catfights or anything. And no girl called another one out for stealing a dress. But I did notice how many of them chose dresses that enhanced their chest area. Wow. Even Sadie the virgin had those things pushed high enough together on her chest she could probably have drank her wine without the use of her hands. And oh yeah, the Jami girl was topless with just her bra on, but doing the one-armed cover up of her chest. You see, her bra wasn’t fastened in the back, so she had to hold it up in case it fell and we got to see her bare chested. I don’t know why they felt the need to show us this repeatedly, but I just know that it was fun to describe it. I’m excited now. What? It’s because I got my own place. Man you people have dirty minds.
-It’s Erica time. This is where she puts on the charm and forces the Prince to give her a rose to keep her around. Oh yeah, he’s got one rose to give out on each of these dates and ……blah blah blah. Same sh**, different day. You know the drill. So here goes Erica, all dolled up and ready to knock his socks off. You ready? Erica: “Jami isn’t a good match for you. She didn’t go to college.” Gay-Z: “That doesn’t matter to me. I’m looking more for personality and heart.” Uhhhh, woops. Nice try sweetie. Erica went into complete meltdown mode after this. Sobbering hysterically, could barely speak, talking about how she judges people, but Lorenzo doesn’t, and how she’s not gonna get a rose, and on and on and on and on. This girl is completely mental, no doubt. The craziest person locked up in the craziest nuthouse right now probably watched this show tonight and said, “You know what? Life isn’t so bad.”
-Prince Lo’ pulls Sadie aside for some nookie. Yeah right. Like she would even know where hers is. Anyway, Sadie is debating whether or not to mention to the Prince that she’s never had sexual relations with a person of the opposite sex and that she’s waiting til the wedding night to unload years and years of frustration on said man. God help him, whoever that may be. She decides against it and ends up getting a rose. Probably a good idea since that’s probably not something a horny, single, looking-for-marriage type of guy wants to hear. At least not in Rome. On a show called the “Bachelor”. Where Jesse Palmer currently holds the record for most women bagged during an 8 week show. Have you noticed we’re down to twelve women and His Royal Gayness hasn’t even attempted to jam his tongue down anyone’s esophagus yet? Is this really what we need to see? Oh yeah, Sadie gets the rose for the night. She and her chastity belt with the double protected padlock are safe for another week.
-Erica finishes this date with an all-time classic crying meltdown. Erica: “He must not want a princess cuz’ I am a true princess...and it doesn’t matter than I’ve been raised to be one because he could care less.” I don’t even know what else there is to say, really. I mean, how do you follow up a line like that? Erica, you are a delight. I appreciate your honesty, your tiara is bugging the holy hell out of me, I can see you didn’t bother going with a bra tonight, and you look terrible when make-up is streaming down your face and your hair is frizzing out. Any man would be foolish to not call you his own. Men just love daddy’s little spoiled princesses. Such a turn on.
-Time for Lisa’s 1-on-1. Before the date, she informs us yet again about her dating timeline: She wants to be engaged in a year, married in two, and this added bonus, she wants kids in five years. Don’t you just wish life were that easy? Hey Lisa, I can’t even tell you what my plans are for this weekend, let alone who I might be married to later in life. I’m still trying to figure out if ABC has purposely shown us this about Lisa to: a) set her up for a gigantic fall once P-Lo’ finds out about this ridiculous timeline, or b) she’s the one he chooses and it makes for the perfect fairytale ending. Until they break up within minutes of the finale airing, and she gets back into her DeLorean to travel back to the beginning of the show and refuses to accept the invitation to come onto the show. Then starts dating Biff. Or George McFly.
-Their date is in the beautiful Vila Borghese park, which in case you didn’t know, was named after Prince Lorenzo Borgheses’s family. Funny. And this whole time, I’m thinking that it was just a coincidence that his last name was Borghese and every five feet you walk in Italy, apparently there’s something with the same exact name as his. Crazy. What if Lorenzo’s last name was Dinkleheimer? Do you think he would’ve been cast as this season’s “Bachelor”? Yeah, me too. There’s not a woman in this world that wouldn’t kill to be the new Mrs. Dinkleheimer.
-Lisa: “I’ve watched a lot of seasons of the ‘Bachelor’." Oh really? I think she mentioned this because she was rambling on about her strategy thus far and if the Prince was really into her or something. I wonder then if Lisa is a fan of Realitysteve.com? She must be. I mean, what girl that watches the show supposedly as much as Lisa did, wouldn’t go running to their computer on Tuesday mornings to read what some schmo had to say about them? I certainly would. Roughly 8 million people watched the premiere last week. So that means I should have 8 million readers every week. That’s my goal anyway. To spread the word until I can reach everyone who is possibly associated with this show. My life would be complete then, and I would quit the column on the spot. But since my readership is about .00001% of the 8 million goal, I guess I’m stuck writing. Damn. I was looking forward to a vacation.
-So Lisa and Prince Akeem are discussing their relationship history over a picnic or something. She informs him that she hasn’t dated much because she’s been in two really long relationships, and he says that he hasn’t dated much because he’s also had two long relationships. You noticed how a lot of these girls seem to tell us, “Oh well yeah, I haven’t dated much.” Why are they casting women on this show that don’t date a lot? So we can see the awkwardness when they area actually are sitting right across from a Prince? Oh, ok. Got it. Let’s move on. Lo’ has an interesting thought on marriage. Prince: “A lot of people get married because everyone else is. It’s like they have everything mapped out ahead of them.” Gulp. Uhhhhh...Lisa, you might wanna keep that little timeline of yours to yourself for the time being. Unless, of course, you’d like to go home tonight. She agrees and decides, “Yeah, maybe this isn’t the time to tell Prince I Hate Timelines about my wedding day I have planned 2 years from this Saturday.” I’d say that was a giant blow to her chances.
-Back at the mansion, it’s “Let’s All Get in our Pajamas, Sit Around and Drink, and Talk About When We All Lost Our Virginity” night. Yeah, I’m sure that was just a spur of the moment conversation. No way did one of the producers pull Desiree the Slut over to the backroom and say, “Hey, get the girls to start up a conversation about sex. That always makes for great television.” Before that starts though, one of the women blurts out, “Chocolate is better than sex sometimes.” Which is followed by a, “No way.” I’ve got an even better one for you ladies. How about chocolate WITH sex? Huh? Who’s with me on this? No one? Ok. Forget I brought it up then. You suck.
-So Desiree follows the producers orders and her drunken stupor says, “Ohhhhhh....kaaaaay....Hoooow old werrrre u guys when yoooooou lost your virginity?” The question Sadie couldn’t wait to hear. Damn those producers. She should feel betrayed. When it finally got around to Sadie after every girl pretty much admitted to having lost it before sophomore year prom, she tells the girls she’s saving herself for marriage. I think one girl might’ve said it was when she was 19, but I don’t believe that crap. And neither should you. Of course, all the girls freak out at Sadie’s answer because they all realize in unison, “Hey, that’s one less girl I have to compete with.” Sadie says she was real nervous about telling everyone her secret because she didn’t want Lorenzo to hear it from any one of them and she “hopes the girls would respect that.” So you told a catty group of 10 women something in private in hopes that it wouldn’t get out, even if it gives them an upper hand on you? Hmmmmm....I don’t know how else to tell you this Sadie, but, you’re an idiot. There’s no way Prince Lonestar chooses a virgin, right? Right?
-The last date box arrives for the girls and Jeanette is the first one to speak on it. Jeanette has a horrible Chi-caaaag-o accent. “We were all wondering what is in that baaaaaaaaax.” Ugh. Maybe it’s a baaaaax of Braaaats that you can grill on the Baaaaaaarbeque. Yes, I love Chicago very much. Midwestern women. Yummy. Uhhhhh, anyway, I love how whoever was reading off who the date was for gets the reaction of surprise by these ladies. Well, five have already been on the first group date, Lisa had the solo date, isn’t it pretty much known which six are going on the last date? I don’t remember who read off the names because my ears were still bleeding from Jeanette’s aaaaaaccent. Jennifer, Sarah, Kim, Desiree, Jeanette the Baaaaaaax, and Gina will be heading out to a beach on the Mediterranean. And this turned out to be one of the more interesting group dates ever.
-Commercial. I found out something about the female species that I did not know. H.P.V. causes cervical cancer and you need to get checked for it. What’s H.P.V.? Human Papalome Virus. No idea if I spelled that correctly. If you have it, and you don’t get checked for it, it leads to cervical cancer, which I’m guessing, doesn’t feel all that great. But I could be wrong. I don’t own a cervix. Any kind of cancer pretty much sucks, but the Human Papalome Virus might put a damper on the party. I’m very grateful to be a guy and don’t deal with cervixes, fallopian tubes, Aunt Flo visiting once a month for about 40 years of my life, and checkups with the doctor that have me in uncomfortable positions on the freezing cold doctors table with my legs in the air in stirrups. Uh, no thanks. I’d rather just look away and cough, thank you. Moving on.....
-Prince informed Lisa during their date that one of his hobbies is flying. He has a pilot’s license. So he’s picking up the date #3 girls in a helicopter. Which apparently has become the new panty dropper. Every girl essentially reached orgasm upon seeing they were getting picked up in a helicopter. Ellen: “Princes usually come in on a white horse, this one came in on a white helicopter.” Huh? Am I missing something here? I have never seen a group of horny, drunk women ever so thrilled at the sight of a helicopter. Is it something phallic that I’m missing? Geesh. Guess I’ve been doing it completely wrong my whole dating life, you know, picking them up in my car and all. What was I thinking? Note to self: Purchase a helicopter at the local helicopter dealership and fly around town trolling for tail. It will most certainly get you laid.
-So after they calmed down by pounding free alcohol at the beach, they decided to play a game of beach tackle football. Lorenzo was quarterback, and it was the three blondes vs. the three brunettes in a game of Let’s All Run Around and Tackle Each Other For No Reason Other Than to Get Closer to the Prince While He Has His Size XS Shirt Off. Let’s just say this wasn’t the Cowboys vs. Eagles out there. It was the “Blonde Bombshells” vs. the “Brilliant Brunettes”, according to Sarah. Thank you for naming your teams. So cute. And so irrelevant. A lot of girl-on-girl tackling going on, a lot of bathing suits coming half way off, and a lot of drinking. Bordering on group orgy at times.
-His Royalness pulled Jennifer aside for some alone time. Jennifer asked what other sports did he play in high school besides football. Prince McAthlete: “I played Squash and baseball.” What yuppie high school did this guy attend? Since when was Squash a high school sport? Was he a 3-year letterman? All-State? I could totally see that with Prince Dorkness. And you just know he put those extra patches on his letterman’s jacket to show how cool he was. “Yeah babe, check it out. Got to the quarters of the state Squash tournament. Here’s the patch to prove it.” Don’t get me wrong. Letterman’s jackets were about the single most important thing to any guy in high school. I flooded my jacket with my patches. You couldn't find more than a 2 inch circumference on my jacket that didn't have a patch on it. And giving it to your girlfriend to wear? Forget about it. Nothing says, “Lay off this chick, she’s mine” than letting her wear your letterman’s jacket. And ladies, you know you loved wearing that thing too. Made you feel pretty damn special, didn’t it? See, that’s why I had about six girls wear it my senior year. I wanted to make as many girls feel important as possible. And yes, I still have that thing in a box somewhere. Thank you for letting me take a stroll down memory lane. I will now go eat a box of razor blades. Oh yeah, Jennifer got the rose because she was a cheerleader in high school and he figures she’ll definitely be a candidate to wear his jacket someday.
-Time for Desiree the Slut’s alone time. And boy does she make the most of it. His Royalness apparently isn’t completely put off by her willingness to bang everything with a pulse. Desiree: “I’m totally the type of girl to show up at your work, maybe have a little fun in your office....I’m a little kinky, baby.” To which P-Lo’ responds, “I haven’t been called ‘baby’ since I was a kid, but since it’s coming from Desiree, I love it.” Does anybody have a vomit bag? I’m serious. You like this chick? Really? Even though her and Erica are in a dead heat for who’s chest is losing it’s battle with gravity the most? I know the Prince has no idea that Sadie still hasn’t been felt up yet, but how could he like Sadie AND like Desiree? Desiree might as well just offer up her services right there on the beach because it sure as hell seems like the Prince would be down for it. Blech. And Desiree is also turned on by the Prince’s abs and how good he looked with his shirt off. Shocker. How about the tiny patches of pubic hair he had growing on random parts of his chest? You liked that too? And what if his name was Lonnie Borges and he worked at Home Depot making $40 grand a year? Would you give him a quickie in the storage room during lunch hours then?
-All the while the Prince is pulling girls aside to get to know them better, Kim from Long Beach is piss drunk. To the point where she can’t speak, falls over while talking to the camera, pukes, then passes out on the beach chair. And upon waking up, rambles and mumbles something about “blasphemy.” Kinda hard to describe the whole scene with her, you kinda had to see it, but that’s by far the drunkest anyone has ever gotten on this show and we all got a kick out of it. Nothing says, “I’d really like a rose to continue this journey on with you and see if we’re potential soul mates” more than vomiting on your first date. True love.
-So they return to the mansion for Prince to get some alone time with other girls who have yet to even speak on screen. Ahn-YAY-zay is first up. There is a language barrier between these two in case you didn’t know. He speaks English and she can’t understand a lick of it. Might be a problem down the road. But he’s impressed that she’s trying so hard. And she is pretty, according to him. She tells him in broken English how crazy the American girls are again, then plants the most awkward first kiss on him ever seen in the history of this show. So, Italian girls are clueless on how to kiss? Holy crap. I squirmed in my chair just watching that. And as for Prince McKisser Boy, I wouldn’t really grade him that high either. It was as if his 88 year old grandmother was about to give him a kiss goodbye and he wanted no part of it. Although in his defense, it must be difficult to kiss someone when you don’t own an upper lip. Yet, he tells us he was surprised but liked the kiss from Ahn-YAY-zay. I have no idea what this guy is doing, who he likes, why he likes who he likes and why this show is still on the air. Other than that, I’m loving every minute of it.
-Although I’ve liked Lisa from the beginning, I must admit that the yellow tablecloth she wrapped around herself at the cocktail party was not the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen. Ok, it was downright fugly. But even though she has a rose, she pulls Prince aside for more alone time and that doesn’t sit well with one of the other girls. Can’t remember which one. And she tells her about it when she comes back. Lisa is crying. She realizes she’s public enemy #1 with all the other girls, they see her as a threat, and if she doesn’t watch herself, Doctor Emmitt Brown might destroy the DeLorean and she won’t be able to go to the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance with Calvin Klein.
-Bored out of their minds, and of course because they were told to by producers yet again, Desiree and Jami raid the Prince’s room and go through his boxers. Well, I guess that answers that question. Are Prince’s boxers or briefs kind of guys? P-Lo’ is a boxer guy. $14.99 for a 3-pack at Macy’s. So while rummaging through his stuff, producers then run to Lorenzo and say, “Hey, maybe you should go up to your room and check out what’s going on in there. Probably nothing, but you never know. Hee hee hee”. Or something like that. So he goes up, sees the girls on his bed, lays in the middle of them while they pillow fight and slap each others asses. Fun for the whole family. Lo’ tells us for the 500th time this season how much fun he’s having and wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. Then the producers run and get all the other girls to go up to the room, it’s one big giant party where we get to see Lorenzo has about as much rhythm as you’d expect from a dorky, white Prince from New Jersey. Desiree: “We wanted to see if the Prince could dance.” In a word: No.
-Time for the final Rose Ceremony. Lisa, Sadie, and Jennifer already have roses. For the record, I believe I did say last week that Lisa and Sadie were my favorite, but also that I liked Jennifer too. Oh god. Should I feel good or bad that apparently Lorenzo and I have the same taste in women? Great. I’m doomed. Before passing out the roses, Gay-Z really wows them with this beauty: “If I could, I would date you all. But I can’t.” Yeah, thanks for the clarification, pal. I’ve been mistaken since the beginning of time that you were allowed to date everyone. My mistake. Thanks for the help.
Jeanette: Oh my Gaaaaaaaaad, thank you so maaaaach for da’ rose.
Desiree: He says, “You’re a total nut, but I love it.” And she ran to him to receive her rose. Good thing she didn’t trip over her breasts. That could’ve been embarrassing.
Jami: Has there ever been a country Princess in the royal family? Didn’t think so.
Gina: We literally haven’t heard a peep from this girl for two episodes.
Ahn-YAY-zay: “Grazi.” This makes no sense. The girl probably doesn’t even realize she’s on a television show and he keeps stringing her along. Jerk.
“Ladies, Lorenzo, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. And if you don’t give it Erica, she might go on a four country killing spree.”
Erica: She ran to him quicker than Desiree did with her arms flailing around like she was drowning. “You made a really good decision.” Yeah, we can tell. You’re perfectly normal.
-Kim, Ellen, and Sarah didn’t receive roses. Kim because she made a complete ass of herself on the date, Ellen because she apparently called out Lisa, and Sarah because, well, Lorenzo don’t do ethnic women. Kim: “Who doesn’t go to the beach, have fun, and take a nap?” She expects us to believe she just napped? Kim, you passed out drunk after vomiting and falling over on camera. It’s called “Alcoholics Anonymous”. Look into it. 2nd street in Long Beach must make a fortune off this booze hound.
-Next week, more unrealistic romantic dates, and someone gets a $2 million diamond necklace. When did ABC get the budget for this? This show has been floundering in the ratings for three or four seasons, and now they’re giving women diamond earrings and $2 million necklaces in addition to the Zales engagement ring at the end? Wow. Must be nice to give away free gifts like that on the company dime. Unless Lisa ends up getting all three gifts, I’m guessing one of those things will be up on Ebay within minutes of the finale airing. Start your bidding. Until next week…..
The Bachelor Links
-So anyway, let me start off by saying I just recently got my own place. After eight years of living in some roommate situation, I am FINALLY by myself. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Maybe not. Not sure. I think I’ve talked about a couple of my past roommates before - some good, some bad, and some crazy. But this is really, really foreign to me to have my own place. I can do whatever the hell I want now. Pretty damn cool. Like type naked with just my socks on. Kidding. Thats a horrific visual. I apologize. I was also excited that my new giant HDTV arrived last week, and I was going to see Prince Lorenzo Borghese in High Definition. Or I'd be able to see every strand in that perfectly parted hair of his. Or at least Erica’s cleavage. Nope. Didn’t realize the “Bachelor” doesn’t broadcast in HD. Damn it. This needs to happen next season. If there is one. Let’s begin…
-A recap of last week’s show gave us a clip that I don’t remember seeing. Probably because it happened at the very end, and by that time, I was bent over my chair with my finger down my throat trying to induce vomiting. But anyway, it was Lorenzo toasting the 12 girls he gave roses to saying, “There’s no place like Rome.” Oh God. The cheese factor just got elevated to a Level 5. Yet another line that I’m sure he had planned at least six months in advance. I think P-Lo should be forced to send the family of Judy Garland royalties for that ripoff of a line. Paulette from “Grease 2” needs some extra cash nowadays. I don’t think she’s doing anything. Yes, that’s Judy Garland’s daughter. Trust me. Don’t you dare ever question my “Grease 2” knowledge. Ever.
-Host Chris shows up on the patio where all 12 girls aren’t having their best day and tells them that there will be three dates: 2 group ones, and the 1-on-1 which goes to Lisa since she got the First Impression rose last week. Along with the $4 billion earrings. And eleven other chicks who now despise her tree-huggin’ ass. I take something back. Erica is looking dandy since apparently her tiara is glued onto her head. Holy crap. Take that thing off woman. It’s 10:00 am and your pageant was probably five years ago when your breasts weren’t halfway down your chest. Enough already. Hey, just because I’m in a great mood tonight doesn’t mean this women still can’t drive me crazy. Most women do. You know why? Because most women are crazy. Period. End of story. You don't believe me, here is a link to unseen video footage from the "Bachelor". It's Erica talking about and feeling her own real breasts. You've been warned.....
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1736304
-Date Box #1 goes to:: Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie and Agnese, which pronounced “Yev-geny”. So Agnese, pronounced “Yeg-wana-DOSH-ket”, decides to tell us what she thinks of American woman. Oh boy. This should be good. In very broken English, she blurts out “I not speak a lot of English. I don’t understand anything….It’s hard living with American girls. They are crazy.” Well Amen sister! Didn’t I just say that? Maybe Agnese, pronounced “Alli-baba”, and I need to spend more time together. I mean, I’m sure she’d get my humor and all. If she loved Lorenzo’s giraffe hunting knee-slapper from last week, I’m sure my sarcasm would just make her melt. Her and I are made for each other. Do you think she’s a fan of the “Rocky” movies and “24”?
-Erica is very distraught over her living quarters, so she expresses them to Host Chris. Erica: “I don’t want to live in a room with three other girls....My room at home is ten times this size. I don’t see any maids around here.” Holy f***. You’re kidding, right? Why doesn’t she just put on her little French maid outfit and do some dusting. Please. Like she doesn’t own one. Or her mom. Kathy and Paris Hilton should sue Erica and her mom for copyright infringement. Could they possibly be any more alike? Except for the fact that Erica’s cans are ten times bigger than Paris’, she doesn’t have an ex-friend who’s an anorexic little bug, and doesn’t have a homemade sex tape filmed in black light where she’s coked out of her mind getting rear ended by Rick Solomon. One that we know of. You know what’s crazy about Erica? I find her entertaining at least, because she isn’t fake about who she is. She pretty much lets you know she’s a princess and a spoiled rotten brat. A complete lunatic with no sense of reality, but still, an entertaining one at that.
-The first group date had them visit the Coliseum. I guess that was cool. There’s a Coliseum in L.A. but the similarities end in the name. I don’t think it’s the same one. Unless there’s crime, poverty, and homeless people that live near the Roman Coliseum. Didn’t think so. At this Coliseum, they took picture snapshots with fake Gladiators. Ummmm...fun times. I guess. If you’re twelve. The Lo’ pulls Agnese aside, which is correctly pronounced “Ahn-YAY-zay”, to see if she can speak anymore bad English to him. He tells her, “I want you to say, ‘You are a handsome man and I am in love with you’ in Italian”. Easy there, Mr. Ego. Now you’re forcing women to tell them stuff they don’t understand to begin with? What type of pig are you? Taking advantage of the less fortunate foreign women is not behavior becoming of a Prince.
-So to add even more fun to this yawner of a date, they decide to ride on mopeds around the Coliseum. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Can I join in? Erica makes up some B.S. excuse her license expired so she could straddle the Prince on his moped. Erica, you guys are put-putting around at 5 mph. I don’t think the Euro police have you high on their list of people they’re out to get. Get on the damn bike and scoot around like the rest of the girls. Oh wait. You can’t. You have to be on the bike with the Royal Lo’ to tell him when you first had sex. It was when she was 16, and it was with her best friend. But she didn’t enjoy it that much. Oh Lord. I wonder why? Because that wasn’t the pearl necklace you were expecting? Why do I just know that Erica has probably never been pleased sexually her whole life? Can you just imagine how high maitenance this chick must be in the sack? Ummmmm....I can. "Your on my hair....my leg is cramping...what time is it....my shoulder hurts....I can't bend that way...."
-Commercial. They ran some ad for the latest Chevy SUV. I don’t really have anything to say about the commercial itself, but it reminded me of the guy in the SUV driving alongside me tonight. Have you seen these people that have DVD’s on their front dashboard so they can watch TV when they drive? No, this wasn’t attached to the backseat for the kids, this was a DVD player that this man was watching in the car, by himself, while driving home. Look, I watch a lot of television. And I enjoy television. But so help me God, if I ever get to the point where I have to watch it while driving my car, I give any of you out there permission to just run me right off the road and plunging me to my death. Go ahead and do it. I’d deserve it at that point. Needless to say, I stepped on it and got as far away from that loser as possible.
-So while still on the first date, Prince No Top Lip has a surprise for the ladies. He has a rack of dresses for them to squeeze into for their big cocktail party tonight. This was interesting. There weren’t any catfights or anything. And no girl called another one out for stealing a dress. But I did notice how many of them chose dresses that enhanced their chest area. Wow. Even Sadie the virgin had those things pushed high enough together on her chest she could probably have drank her wine without the use of her hands. And oh yeah, the Jami girl was topless with just her bra on, but doing the one-armed cover up of her chest. You see, her bra wasn’t fastened in the back, so she had to hold it up in case it fell and we got to see her bare chested. I don’t know why they felt the need to show us this repeatedly, but I just know that it was fun to describe it. I’m excited now. What? It’s because I got my own place. Man you people have dirty minds.
-It’s Erica time. This is where she puts on the charm and forces the Prince to give her a rose to keep her around. Oh yeah, he’s got one rose to give out on each of these dates and ……blah blah blah. Same sh**, different day. You know the drill. So here goes Erica, all dolled up and ready to knock his socks off. You ready? Erica: “Jami isn’t a good match for you. She didn’t go to college.” Gay-Z: “That doesn’t matter to me. I’m looking more for personality and heart.” Uhhhh, woops. Nice try sweetie. Erica went into complete meltdown mode after this. Sobbering hysterically, could barely speak, talking about how she judges people, but Lorenzo doesn’t, and how she’s not gonna get a rose, and on and on and on and on. This girl is completely mental, no doubt. The craziest person locked up in the craziest nuthouse right now probably watched this show tonight and said, “You know what? Life isn’t so bad.”
-Prince Lo’ pulls Sadie aside for some nookie. Yeah right. Like she would even know where hers is. Anyway, Sadie is debating whether or not to mention to the Prince that she’s never had sexual relations with a person of the opposite sex and that she’s waiting til the wedding night to unload years and years of frustration on said man. God help him, whoever that may be. She decides against it and ends up getting a rose. Probably a good idea since that’s probably not something a horny, single, looking-for-marriage type of guy wants to hear. At least not in Rome. On a show called the “Bachelor”. Where Jesse Palmer currently holds the record for most women bagged during an 8 week show. Have you noticed we’re down to twelve women and His Royal Gayness hasn’t even attempted to jam his tongue down anyone’s esophagus yet? Is this really what we need to see? Oh yeah, Sadie gets the rose for the night. She and her chastity belt with the double protected padlock are safe for another week.
-Erica finishes this date with an all-time classic crying meltdown. Erica: “He must not want a princess cuz’ I am a true princess...and it doesn’t matter than I’ve been raised to be one because he could care less.” I don’t even know what else there is to say, really. I mean, how do you follow up a line like that? Erica, you are a delight. I appreciate your honesty, your tiara is bugging the holy hell out of me, I can see you didn’t bother going with a bra tonight, and you look terrible when make-up is streaming down your face and your hair is frizzing out. Any man would be foolish to not call you his own. Men just love daddy’s little spoiled princesses. Such a turn on.
-Time for Lisa’s 1-on-1. Before the date, she informs us yet again about her dating timeline: She wants to be engaged in a year, married in two, and this added bonus, she wants kids in five years. Don’t you just wish life were that easy? Hey Lisa, I can’t even tell you what my plans are for this weekend, let alone who I might be married to later in life. I’m still trying to figure out if ABC has purposely shown us this about Lisa to: a) set her up for a gigantic fall once P-Lo’ finds out about this ridiculous timeline, or b) she’s the one he chooses and it makes for the perfect fairytale ending. Until they break up within minutes of the finale airing, and she gets back into her DeLorean to travel back to the beginning of the show and refuses to accept the invitation to come onto the show. Then starts dating Biff. Or George McFly.
-Their date is in the beautiful Vila Borghese park, which in case you didn’t know, was named after Prince Lorenzo Borgheses’s family. Funny. And this whole time, I’m thinking that it was just a coincidence that his last name was Borghese and every five feet you walk in Italy, apparently there’s something with the same exact name as his. Crazy. What if Lorenzo’s last name was Dinkleheimer? Do you think he would’ve been cast as this season’s “Bachelor”? Yeah, me too. There’s not a woman in this world that wouldn’t kill to be the new Mrs. Dinkleheimer.
-Lisa: “I’ve watched a lot of seasons of the ‘Bachelor’." Oh really? I think she mentioned this because she was rambling on about her strategy thus far and if the Prince was really into her or something. I wonder then if Lisa is a fan of Realitysteve.com? She must be. I mean, what girl that watches the show supposedly as much as Lisa did, wouldn’t go running to their computer on Tuesday mornings to read what some schmo had to say about them? I certainly would. Roughly 8 million people watched the premiere last week. So that means I should have 8 million readers every week. That’s my goal anyway. To spread the word until I can reach everyone who is possibly associated with this show. My life would be complete then, and I would quit the column on the spot. But since my readership is about .00001% of the 8 million goal, I guess I’m stuck writing. Damn. I was looking forward to a vacation.
-So Lisa and Prince Akeem are discussing their relationship history over a picnic or something. She informs him that she hasn’t dated much because she’s been in two really long relationships, and he says that he hasn’t dated much because he’s also had two long relationships. You noticed how a lot of these girls seem to tell us, “Oh well yeah, I haven’t dated much.” Why are they casting women on this show that don’t date a lot? So we can see the awkwardness when they area actually are sitting right across from a Prince? Oh, ok. Got it. Let’s move on. Lo’ has an interesting thought on marriage. Prince: “A lot of people get married because everyone else is. It’s like they have everything mapped out ahead of them.” Gulp. Uhhhhh...Lisa, you might wanna keep that little timeline of yours to yourself for the time being. Unless, of course, you’d like to go home tonight. She agrees and decides, “Yeah, maybe this isn’t the time to tell Prince I Hate Timelines about my wedding day I have planned 2 years from this Saturday.” I’d say that was a giant blow to her chances.
-Back at the mansion, it’s “Let’s All Get in our Pajamas, Sit Around and Drink, and Talk About When We All Lost Our Virginity” night. Yeah, I’m sure that was just a spur of the moment conversation. No way did one of the producers pull Desiree the Slut over to the backroom and say, “Hey, get the girls to start up a conversation about sex. That always makes for great television.” Before that starts though, one of the women blurts out, “Chocolate is better than sex sometimes.” Which is followed by a, “No way.” I’ve got an even better one for you ladies. How about chocolate WITH sex? Huh? Who’s with me on this? No one? Ok. Forget I brought it up then. You suck.
-So Desiree follows the producers orders and her drunken stupor says, “Ohhhhhh....kaaaaay....Hoooow old werrrre u guys when yoooooou lost your virginity?” The question Sadie couldn’t wait to hear. Damn those producers. She should feel betrayed. When it finally got around to Sadie after every girl pretty much admitted to having lost it before sophomore year prom, she tells the girls she’s saving herself for marriage. I think one girl might’ve said it was when she was 19, but I don’t believe that crap. And neither should you. Of course, all the girls freak out at Sadie’s answer because they all realize in unison, “Hey, that’s one less girl I have to compete with.” Sadie says she was real nervous about telling everyone her secret because she didn’t want Lorenzo to hear it from any one of them and she “hopes the girls would respect that.” So you told a catty group of 10 women something in private in hopes that it wouldn’t get out, even if it gives them an upper hand on you? Hmmmmm....I don’t know how else to tell you this Sadie, but, you’re an idiot. There’s no way Prince Lonestar chooses a virgin, right? Right?
-The last date box arrives for the girls and Jeanette is the first one to speak on it. Jeanette has a horrible Chi-caaaag-o accent. “We were all wondering what is in that baaaaaaaaax.” Ugh. Maybe it’s a baaaaax of Braaaats that you can grill on the Baaaaaaarbeque. Yes, I love Chicago very much. Midwestern women. Yummy. Uhhhhh, anyway, I love how whoever was reading off who the date was for gets the reaction of surprise by these ladies. Well, five have already been on the first group date, Lisa had the solo date, isn’t it pretty much known which six are going on the last date? I don’t remember who read off the names because my ears were still bleeding from Jeanette’s aaaaaaccent. Jennifer, Sarah, Kim, Desiree, Jeanette the Baaaaaaax, and Gina will be heading out to a beach on the Mediterranean. And this turned out to be one of the more interesting group dates ever.
-Commercial. I found out something about the female species that I did not know. H.P.V. causes cervical cancer and you need to get checked for it. What’s H.P.V.? Human Papalome Virus. No idea if I spelled that correctly. If you have it, and you don’t get checked for it, it leads to cervical cancer, which I’m guessing, doesn’t feel all that great. But I could be wrong. I don’t own a cervix. Any kind of cancer pretty much sucks, but the Human Papalome Virus might put a damper on the party. I’m very grateful to be a guy and don’t deal with cervixes, fallopian tubes, Aunt Flo visiting once a month for about 40 years of my life, and checkups with the doctor that have me in uncomfortable positions on the freezing cold doctors table with my legs in the air in stirrups. Uh, no thanks. I’d rather just look away and cough, thank you. Moving on.....
-Prince informed Lisa during their date that one of his hobbies is flying. He has a pilot’s license. So he’s picking up the date #3 girls in a helicopter. Which apparently has become the new panty dropper. Every girl essentially reached orgasm upon seeing they were getting picked up in a helicopter. Ellen: “Princes usually come in on a white horse, this one came in on a white helicopter.” Huh? Am I missing something here? I have never seen a group of horny, drunk women ever so thrilled at the sight of a helicopter. Is it something phallic that I’m missing? Geesh. Guess I’ve been doing it completely wrong my whole dating life, you know, picking them up in my car and all. What was I thinking? Note to self: Purchase a helicopter at the local helicopter dealership and fly around town trolling for tail. It will most certainly get you laid.
-So after they calmed down by pounding free alcohol at the beach, they decided to play a game of beach tackle football. Lorenzo was quarterback, and it was the three blondes vs. the three brunettes in a game of Let’s All Run Around and Tackle Each Other For No Reason Other Than to Get Closer to the Prince While He Has His Size XS Shirt Off. Let’s just say this wasn’t the Cowboys vs. Eagles out there. It was the “Blonde Bombshells” vs. the “Brilliant Brunettes”, according to Sarah. Thank you for naming your teams. So cute. And so irrelevant. A lot of girl-on-girl tackling going on, a lot of bathing suits coming half way off, and a lot of drinking. Bordering on group orgy at times.
-His Royalness pulled Jennifer aside for some alone time. Jennifer asked what other sports did he play in high school besides football. Prince McAthlete: “I played Squash and baseball.” What yuppie high school did this guy attend? Since when was Squash a high school sport? Was he a 3-year letterman? All-State? I could totally see that with Prince Dorkness. And you just know he put those extra patches on his letterman’s jacket to show how cool he was. “Yeah babe, check it out. Got to the quarters of the state Squash tournament. Here’s the patch to prove it.” Don’t get me wrong. Letterman’s jackets were about the single most important thing to any guy in high school. I flooded my jacket with my patches. You couldn't find more than a 2 inch circumference on my jacket that didn't have a patch on it. And giving it to your girlfriend to wear? Forget about it. Nothing says, “Lay off this chick, she’s mine” than letting her wear your letterman’s jacket. And ladies, you know you loved wearing that thing too. Made you feel pretty damn special, didn’t it? See, that’s why I had about six girls wear it my senior year. I wanted to make as many girls feel important as possible. And yes, I still have that thing in a box somewhere. Thank you for letting me take a stroll down memory lane. I will now go eat a box of razor blades. Oh yeah, Jennifer got the rose because she was a cheerleader in high school and he figures she’ll definitely be a candidate to wear his jacket someday.
-Time for Desiree the Slut’s alone time. And boy does she make the most of it. His Royalness apparently isn’t completely put off by her willingness to bang everything with a pulse. Desiree: “I’m totally the type of girl to show up at your work, maybe have a little fun in your office....I’m a little kinky, baby.” To which P-Lo’ responds, “I haven’t been called ‘baby’ since I was a kid, but since it’s coming from Desiree, I love it.” Does anybody have a vomit bag? I’m serious. You like this chick? Really? Even though her and Erica are in a dead heat for who’s chest is losing it’s battle with gravity the most? I know the Prince has no idea that Sadie still hasn’t been felt up yet, but how could he like Sadie AND like Desiree? Desiree might as well just offer up her services right there on the beach because it sure as hell seems like the Prince would be down for it. Blech. And Desiree is also turned on by the Prince’s abs and how good he looked with his shirt off. Shocker. How about the tiny patches of pubic hair he had growing on random parts of his chest? You liked that too? And what if his name was Lonnie Borges and he worked at Home Depot making $40 grand a year? Would you give him a quickie in the storage room during lunch hours then?
-All the while the Prince is pulling girls aside to get to know them better, Kim from Long Beach is piss drunk. To the point where she can’t speak, falls over while talking to the camera, pukes, then passes out on the beach chair. And upon waking up, rambles and mumbles something about “blasphemy.” Kinda hard to describe the whole scene with her, you kinda had to see it, but that’s by far the drunkest anyone has ever gotten on this show and we all got a kick out of it. Nothing says, “I’d really like a rose to continue this journey on with you and see if we’re potential soul mates” more than vomiting on your first date. True love.
-So they return to the mansion for Prince to get some alone time with other girls who have yet to even speak on screen. Ahn-YAY-zay is first up. There is a language barrier between these two in case you didn’t know. He speaks English and she can’t understand a lick of it. Might be a problem down the road. But he’s impressed that she’s trying so hard. And she is pretty, according to him. She tells him in broken English how crazy the American girls are again, then plants the most awkward first kiss on him ever seen in the history of this show. So, Italian girls are clueless on how to kiss? Holy crap. I squirmed in my chair just watching that. And as for Prince McKisser Boy, I wouldn’t really grade him that high either. It was as if his 88 year old grandmother was about to give him a kiss goodbye and he wanted no part of it. Although in his defense, it must be difficult to kiss someone when you don’t own an upper lip. Yet, he tells us he was surprised but liked the kiss from Ahn-YAY-zay. I have no idea what this guy is doing, who he likes, why he likes who he likes and why this show is still on the air. Other than that, I’m loving every minute of it.
-Although I’ve liked Lisa from the beginning, I must admit that the yellow tablecloth she wrapped around herself at the cocktail party was not the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen. Ok, it was downright fugly. But even though she has a rose, she pulls Prince aside for more alone time and that doesn’t sit well with one of the other girls. Can’t remember which one. And she tells her about it when she comes back. Lisa is crying. She realizes she’s public enemy #1 with all the other girls, they see her as a threat, and if she doesn’t watch herself, Doctor Emmitt Brown might destroy the DeLorean and she won’t be able to go to the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance with Calvin Klein.
-Bored out of their minds, and of course because they were told to by producers yet again, Desiree and Jami raid the Prince’s room and go through his boxers. Well, I guess that answers that question. Are Prince’s boxers or briefs kind of guys? P-Lo’ is a boxer guy. $14.99 for a 3-pack at Macy’s. So while rummaging through his stuff, producers then run to Lorenzo and say, “Hey, maybe you should go up to your room and check out what’s going on in there. Probably nothing, but you never know. Hee hee hee”. Or something like that. So he goes up, sees the girls on his bed, lays in the middle of them while they pillow fight and slap each others asses. Fun for the whole family. Lo’ tells us for the 500th time this season how much fun he’s having and wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. Then the producers run and get all the other girls to go up to the room, it’s one big giant party where we get to see Lorenzo has about as much rhythm as you’d expect from a dorky, white Prince from New Jersey. Desiree: “We wanted to see if the Prince could dance.” In a word: No.
-Time for the final Rose Ceremony. Lisa, Sadie, and Jennifer already have roses. For the record, I believe I did say last week that Lisa and Sadie were my favorite, but also that I liked Jennifer too. Oh god. Should I feel good or bad that apparently Lorenzo and I have the same taste in women? Great. I’m doomed. Before passing out the roses, Gay-Z really wows them with this beauty: “If I could, I would date you all. But I can’t.” Yeah, thanks for the clarification, pal. I’ve been mistaken since the beginning of time that you were allowed to date everyone. My mistake. Thanks for the help.
Jeanette: Oh my Gaaaaaaaaad, thank you so maaaaach for da’ rose.
Desiree: He says, “You’re a total nut, but I love it.” And she ran to him to receive her rose. Good thing she didn’t trip over her breasts. That could’ve been embarrassing.
Jami: Has there ever been a country Princess in the royal family? Didn’t think so.
Gina: We literally haven’t heard a peep from this girl for two episodes.
Ahn-YAY-zay: “Grazi.” This makes no sense. The girl probably doesn’t even realize she’s on a television show and he keeps stringing her along. Jerk.
“Ladies, Lorenzo, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. And if you don’t give it Erica, she might go on a four country killing spree.”
Erica: She ran to him quicker than Desiree did with her arms flailing around like she was drowning. “You made a really good decision.” Yeah, we can tell. You’re perfectly normal.
-Kim, Ellen, and Sarah didn’t receive roses. Kim because she made a complete ass of herself on the date, Ellen because she apparently called out Lisa, and Sarah because, well, Lorenzo don’t do ethnic women. Kim: “Who doesn’t go to the beach, have fun, and take a nap?” She expects us to believe she just napped? Kim, you passed out drunk after vomiting and falling over on camera. It’s called “Alcoholics Anonymous”. Look into it. 2nd street in Long Beach must make a fortune off this booze hound.
-Next week, more unrealistic romantic dates, and someone gets a $2 million diamond necklace. When did ABC get the budget for this? This show has been floundering in the ratings for three or four seasons, and now they’re giving women diamond earrings and $2 million necklaces in addition to the Zales engagement ring at the end? Wow. Must be nice to give away free gifts like that on the company dime. Unless Lisa ends up getting all three gifts, I’m guessing one of those things will be up on Ebay within minutes of the finale airing. Start your bidding. Until next week…..
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 6:32 AM
18 Comments:
my commmment is why is BORGHESE
keeeeping "hey Baby" and the
socialite ?????? is it for tv
ratings (those 2 are nuts)
the only normal ones are LISA,SADIE and JENNIFER
no one else is NORMAL
I hope he ends up with Erica. I began believing last night, while watching her, that she must be an actress because honestly, who could be that much of a human disaster. She's unattractive, pudgy, droopy, gangly, oafish, boring, annoying, slutty (the only plus)and completely insane. I say give her an Emmy. Oh, and I also think he missed out on a really good bj from Kim. Anyone who gets that drunk has to give good head. Or maybe I'm just speaking from experience here. His loss.
And by the way Steve, your sarcasm attracts me. In case you're interested, I have a 5 year plan: Meet Steve, seduce Steve (I figure that'll be easy), confirm that Steve has a really big.......bank account, pop birth-control pills hourly to avoid procreation and live happily ever after. If that doesn't work out, audition for The Bachelor. I'll be the bachelorette with the really tight.........budget.
Steve, you are, as always, my favorite. You say all the things that are in my head with a little twist that keeps my Diet Coke spewed on my computer screen. Thanks for making this show a little bit more bearable to watch. Why do I still watch this?? I think it's a disease.
I think I watch this show just so I can have a frame of reference for your comments.
Keep up the good work.
First of all, no offense, but Lisa is not even normal. I mean she might be normal because she wants what most girls want, but no normal girl is going to set a new partner up for some whacked out timeline. Remember the egg freak from last season? The only difference with Lisa is that she's not using the words "egg" and she's not screaming "timeclock" or "I left my $500 an hourbusiness for this." I have a feeling inside her head it's a whole different story.
No guy, and I mean no guy, wants to hear about timelines. Not to mention the fact that they just aren't realistic in today's world. Real love (okay, I know I'm talking the bachelor here, but anyway), just can't be about 1 year 3 weeks and 6 days from now and that's when everything will be perfect in my little world. Lisa needs a reality check.
I'm surprised Steve didn't comment on Gina. We haven't heard from her because she's too busy making nasty faces the entire time. Does anyone else notice how bitter she seems? I swear I thought she was going to rip someone's face off the first night when the roses were coming down to the wire, and when the date box came out last night, she was back to grimacing once again.
I'm not even commenting on Lormlamzo. Who is this schmuck? Do some research and I guarantee he wasn't breastfed and is trying to make up some lost ground.
This is anonymous here again-the one who hates Lormlazo and thinks Lisa is a bit nutty. I forgot to comment on Desiree. Seriously? I cannot believe there is no footage of one of the other girls telling her to just cut the crap. I, for one, would be able to stand about, oh, one half a second of that chick. I think she would have been much better suited for Charlie's season, though even he would probably have been disgusted and booted her. She should wear a muzzle.
As for Erica, why does she touch her hair every 5 seconds, and aren't true socialites supposed to go through training and classes on manners, etc. Maybe she paid her way out of them, but someone failed her miserably in that area.
Now, before everyone thinks I am a total jerk, I do like some of the girls, particularly Sadie. She seems real and sweet, and because I'm not a guy, I think it's cool (sorry Steve) that she's a virgin. I hope she doesn't end up with L-Lamzo because I'd hate to see her even contemplate giving it up to him! Other than that, I agree with almost all of what you say, and it helps me get through Tuesday morning!!
Last night 'again' I fell asleep, this show is really starting to bore the heck out of me. P-diddy LO, is so boring and really doesn't have much of a personality. I wouldn't even give him a second date, prince or not (BORING)!!! And these girls are all so whining, *rolling eyes*- I'll try and be better at watching, being that I love reading your column and the comments, but geesh this is a boring show and has been for a while...
Hey, Steve, are you going to take up 'Lurlene' offer/proposal here..LOL... let us know.
Can't you write on something else? I mean you've been so faithful to this stupid show for years now? It's time to branch out- (just my two cents).. I mean not everyone watches this stupid show, we watch other stupid shows.
I was introduced to this link by a friend on the web. We had been discussing the show ourselves. I love Agnese saying American girls are crazy but did anyone one see ms. Italia herself say Y'ALL and AWESOME. Looked a little psycho to me. Good luck to you lurlene!
Being from Houston myself...Erica kills me! We're talking cardiac arrest everytime this dumbass comes on the screen. "Socialite" my ass...LOATHE her!
OMG!! You r hilarious! That was the funniest thing I've ever read? Why does Lulerne get to seduce you? Can't anyone else? Unfair!!! I want Reality Steve!!! Sooooo sexy....
xoxoxoxo
Lurlene doesn't take kindly to competition, but she can handle it. And yes, she sometimes refers to herself in the third person. That's when Sybil goes looking for the purple crayon.
Hey Steve - love your writing! You spin this night time soap opera "reality" fest into something palatable..
Now, just for you, a health update regarding your comments about the HPV commercial...HPV a.k.a. genital warts (not a pretty thought) and beware, guys can get them too.
Hey, you know what's missing from this season so far... all the "here for the right reasons" talk. I can't remember it being said even once so far.
LOVE you Steve. Your are funnier than the train wreck of a show!!!!
See Steve,
This is your talent and you rock so never ever settle for second best and you know what I mean! Look at this fan base - enough to make a grown man cry, he, he.
Your biggest fan forever in Beverly Hill!
Peanut
I think it's cool that Sadie's a virgin. Are you trying to tell us Steve you would let a girl you really liked slip away just because she wasn't going to have sex with you until marriage? NEWSFLASH there are other, and enjoyable at that, ways to be intimate with someone without having intercourse.
Hmmmm, other...more enjoyable ways to be intimate besides intercourse? Does Sadie really look like the kind of girl whose London London Bridge wanna go down? I don't think so. So, forget dry-humping, oral, hand jobs, etc. She'll be straight missionary when she finally gives it up, which I don't believe her in the first place. If she's a virgin, I'm a pathetic, middle aged, overweight, prozac popping, alcoholic, living vicariously through The Bachelor. Hey wait a minute...... (note to self, check back into rehab)
Now Erica on the other hand, she'll let you get nasty on her. For jewelry. Or Bling. Or Fairy Dust. She's about two peeps short of an Easter basket.
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