"THE BACHELOR" FINALE RECAP - 11/27/06
-Here is the problem with the “Bachelor” finale every single season. It’s way more sappy than any of the previous episodes and there’s not nearly as much good crap to make fun of. I know, I know. Call me a softie. But really, it’s just a much different show than the previous seven. There were definitely some comical moments last night that I’ll get to, but all in all, pretty much par for the course as far as this show’s finales are concerned. So, this column won’t be nearly as long as previous ones. I don’t think. Although, I might get off on a tangent because I’m in a crabby mood.
-I think I’ve said this in every finale I’ve written about this show, but I’ll say it again. Don’t get me wrong, Lorenzo is still a horrible kisser, and I still think the guy is a weenie, but I do not envy the position he was in for one second. I would NEVER do this show. Ever. Not like I would ever be considered for it, but if I was given the opportunity to be the “Bachelor”, I’d turn it down without batting an eye. There’s no way I’d put myself through that. I’m too much of an over analyzer and wear my emotions on my sleeve for me to enjoy having 25 women chase after me. I’d be a head case by about week two. Seriously. It was painful having to watch some of that show last night. Maybe that makes me a weenie too. Whatever. I just know I could never go on that show and reject women to their faces on national television. No thanks. I’ll just sit home and make fun of it. Let’s begin…
-They really need to cut these finales from two hours down to 90 minutes, or even an hour. That was waaaaaaay too long last night. I had more notes written in most of the one hour shows than I did for last nights. The first ten minutes were spent recapping each girls journey to get to where they were, which we essentially saw last week. Did we need this? Again? We get it. Sadie is the young, naïve, little blondie from San Diego who traveled all this way to find her prince. Did you know she was a virgin too? And Jenn was the young, chatty, blondie from Florida who traveled all this way to find her prince. Did you know her father was about as cultured as a homeless person?
-So Lorenzo’s parents come to visit him in Rome to get the day started after he had his morning jog. Lorenzo even jogs like a weenie. His running style pretty much copies that of Lamar from “Revenge of the Nerds”. His mom is Amanda and dad is Francesco. Did you know they were royalty? Didn’t know if you caught that at all. But they are. Pappa Borghese was dressed rather eloquently when he showed up. Nice black silk shirt, with beige Dockers, white tube socks, and dress shoes. Definitely attire befitting of a prince if you ask me. Tommy Hilfiger he was not. But I guess if you’re married 40 years, how you look and what you wear isn’t of great importance anymore.
-So first up to meet Lorenzo’s parents is Jenn. Before going over there, we got to see her brushing her teeth. That’s always fun. I love when they do that. Next time, how about you get her coming out of the shower or shaving? Would that be more appropriate? Is this kind of like “US Weekly’s” feature of “Stars - They’re Just Like Us!”, where it shows Adam Sandler shopping for groceries, or Kate Hudson walking her dog, or Jada Pinkett jogging? You mean, celebrities do exactly what everyone else does? You mean they’re not from another planet and really function like every other human? Thanks “US Weekly”. I totally thought they were so much different than I was. When you think about it, that might be the most ridiculous section any magazine has ever come up with. Celebrities doing every day things. If any of you actually look forward to that section, or are surprised by anything you’ve ever seen in that section, you need help. Look! Jenn brushes her teeth in the morning! News at 11! Enough with the personal hygiene clips. We’ve had enough.
-So Lorenzo’s parents immediately start in on Jenn with the standard, “Why do you like our son?”, “Where are you from?”, “Have you ever kissed a man with no upper lip?” questions. Nothing too deep here. And Jenn gives the very safe canned answers of, “Well, I really like him a lot. He’s honest, sincere, he makes me laugh, we have fun together, there’s definitely a chemistry, I love that he’s a midget, and I can’t wait to someday buy him some kissing lessons.” I couldn’t tell if the family liked her answers or not. They said they did, but really, what are they going to say? “Jenn was flat out boring. We really didn’t like her. Hopefully this other girl he brings over is more exciting.” In fact, in the history of this show, I can’t think of one instance where the parents of the Bachelor or Bachelorette didn’t like both guys/girls that their son/daughter brought home. And not once has one ever said, “Oh, this’ll be an easy decision. No doubt he’s gonna pick her/him.” Except when Firestone brought home that slut from Florida, I think his brother objected to her. Probably because he wanted to bang her for himself.
-Lo’s parents asked Jenn how she’s different from Sadie. Jenn: “I think I’m more of the real deal. I’ll be open and honest with you. I’m a little bit tougher, and Sadie is a little bit more reserved.” Translation: I put out and Sadie doesn’t. I’ve already nailed your son on our overnight date, and I plan on doing it again if he picks me. Your son will have skin tearing off his body from all the dry humping he’ll be doing to Sadie if he picks her. Is that reason enough to be picked? I’d say yes.
-Now came my favorite part of the show. Lorenzo’s mom is into the whole astrology thing and is also a palm reader. Wonderful. I know a lot of women are into the whole astrology thing, and think that they can’t be with certain guys because they are a certain sign, and that doesn’t mesh well with theirs, and, …… you’re all crazy. I’m sorry. I can’t get with that. Here’s a bit of advice to all women who are waaaaaay into the astrology thing. Your man doesn’t care what sign you are, could give a crap what your sign means, and doesn’t want to hear you dissect how his mood and behavior is reflective of his sign. I know this won’t be a popular opinion amongst women, but I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to educate. It’s a woman thing, I get it. Its for you and your friends to discuss, and every man despises it. Trust me. They don’t care. And if they say they do, they’re lying. Every person has characteristics in them of every sign out there. Because you’re a certain sign, doesn’t mean that everything you say, do, think, feel, eat, sleep, etc is relevant to it. “Your days this month are the 11th, 16th, 19th, 23rd, and 29th.” Oh God. Please. Stop it. I hate astrology.
-And don’t even get me started on palm reading. So you can tell by the lines in my hand how many kids I’m gonna have? Really? So what if my lines say I’m gonna have two kids, but, I really want a bigger family, or, I want no kids? Doesn’t that make what I just paid 10 bucks for completely useless? Palm reading is worse than astrology. “Ooohhh, this line here says you’re going to live a long, prosperous life.” Oh yeah, what if that person gets hit by a truck the next day and dies? How come there wasn’t a line that told you that? Have I done a palm reading before? You’re damn right I have. I gave the idiot lady $10 on Venice Beach once and she told me absolutely nothing of importance. Everything was spoken in such generalizations that it made you think she just said it to the previous sap who just sat down before me. I was willing to sacrifice $10 for a good laugh. Psychics, palm readers, astrologists all have one thing in common - they’re out to take your money. If you want to believe the B.S. they feed you, that’s your choice. Just know that 95% of their business is women. I just made that stat up but it sounds accurate. Ok, more like 99%. I don’t know one guy that’s been to a palm reader or psychic who wasn’t doing it either for a laugh, or because his wife/girlfriend made him.
-Lo’s mom read Jenn’s palm and came up with some good stuff. “It looks like you’re very similar to your dad. You reflect his personality….your fate will be determined by the person you marry, you will have two children….there’s not one bad thing I can see in your hands.” I almost turned off the TV and jumped from my balcony after this. Why didn’t I? Because I had to stick around and see what she said about Sadie’s palms. Very insightful stuff. She’s like her dad in personality? I didn’t think so. There’s not a bad thing she found in her hands? So Jenn is the most perfect person in the history of the world? Wow. And simply amazing you could tell that by the lines in her hand. I have to hand it to Princess Amanda Borghese, she sure knows how to pick em’.
-So Sadie is up next to meet the folks and arrives in her 1930’s checkered dress. I thought maybe her and Lorenzo would be headed to the sock hop afterwards. Sadie got the same questions thrown at her as Jenn did. And she pretty much followed up with the same answers. “Lorenzo has a lot of layers to him…he’s deep…there’s a serious side to him….blah blah blah”. Translation: The more I kiss up to them about their son, the more they’ll like me. And won’t hold this dress against me. Lorenzo is deep? Really? Since when? He’s about as plain and simple as they come. “Deep” is a word thrown around a lot to describe men. Look, unless you’re dating a philosopher, or some guy with five Masters degrees, most guys aren’t deep. I don’t think I’m breaking any new ground here when I say guys want three things in life: food, sex, and silence. For the most part, you give ANY man those three things, and he’ll be happy. Talk about how “deep” your man is to your girlfriends to try and impress them, but really, he’s not.
-Sadie makes it known how important relationships are to her. Sadie: “I’m serious when it comes to relationships, and I don’t like dating a lot of guys at one time.” Holy crap! She doesn’t? Someone needs to get Sadie on the horn with me then. Every girl I seem to date wants to have three or four other guys on the side just waiting in the wings. Wow. I didn’t know this. Earth shattering news here. Imagine that. A girl who only wants to date one guy at a time? I’m floored Sadie. I really am. I never thought I’d see the day. There is hope then.
-Sadie tells Lo’s parents what she thinks of Jenn. And its exactly the same thing Jenn told them what she thought of Sadie. “Jenn is more reserved. I think I’m more spontaneous. We’re not similar at all.” I didn’t really know what to make of this. I was sidetracked by an email I got the other day asking me if I thought Sadie’s breasts were real. That’s a good question. I usually delete every “Bachelor” episode from TiVo the minute it’s over, so, I can’t really answer that question for sure. But if you go back to the fantasy date when he and Sadie were getting the massages and she was in the white bikini, I think you’ll be able to get a good idea. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re real. I mean, what would be the point for a virgin to get implants? Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? The main reason women get implants is to gain attention from men. There might be other small factors involved but, ultimately, they’re done so that the male race will look at you in a different way. I am full of wisdom today. Ask me anything, and I’ll have an answer for you. In fact, while the “Bachelor” is on hiatus, in addition to “Reality Roundup”, start sending me your relationship questions and queries, and I’ll start posting them in the column with my advice. I’ve decided it is my duty to help out more people in this world with their relationship issues. Email me at steve@realitysteve.com with anything regarding, well, anything and I’ll be sure to give you my sound advice. I’m serious. Realitysteve.com will become “Dear Abby” over the next couple months.
-Time for Sadie’s palm to be read by Princess Amanda. The main thing we learned from Sadie’s lines? “Your head rules your heart.” Wooooooooooowwwwwwww! That’s totally what Sadie thinks too. Because she’s held out for this long and hasn’t let any guy go below the equator, Sadie is completely convinced palm reading is legit now. Sadie: “I’ve been waiting for that one man that I can give myself to fully someday.” And when that day comes, I really hope she’s in a room with soundproof walls. Just make sure whatever you do Sadie, that your first time isn’t with Lorenzo. You don’t need to be thinking that he’s setting the standard and all of us men perform like him. Please don’t.
-So Jenn’s parents make a surprise visit and the three of them will go over to visit Lo’ and his family. This was allegedly supposed to be a surprise to Jenn that her family was coming to town, so she did a great job of acting when they showed up at her door. That’s why she was decked out in a sun dress with all her make-up on ready to go when they showed up. But nice try ABC. I think her dad Dennis had Mr. Borghese dress him. He was going to meet royalty and the duds he had going were an untucked purple polo shirt, blue jeans, loafers and no socks. Giorgio Armani he was not. But at least he had company with Mr. Borghese there. I think these two will definitely make Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed list next year. Count on it.
-However, Princess Amanda had a brilliant idea to have both sets of parents come over for brunch without telling them so they could make it as uncomfortable as possible on everyone involved. Wasn’t that a wonderful idea? So Jenn and her parents arrive first, only to be interrupted by Sadie and her parents. All nine of them together might have made for the most awkward of sequences in the history of the show. Hell, Jenn’s crazy father was the only one who made this brunch remotely interesting. Seemed like he was the only one talking. And he tried to crack a couple jokes. Didn’t work. Crazy Dennis: “Hey, so Lorenzo. Maybe five years from now when you’re married to Jenn, we’ll all be sitting around saying, ‘Hey, I remember Sadie’s parents. They were good people.’” Sadie wasn’t too thrilled with that comment. Sadie: “Hello? Coach Dennis? Penalty flag. Not funny!” Nice try with the football reference Sadie. Leaves the jokes to me. Ummmm, hello? Coach Dennis? Penalty flag. Totally out of line. Damn. I guess Sadie is funnier than me.
-There really isn’t much to say about this debacle that Mrs. Borghese created by inviting both families over. If you saw it, you know how awkward it was, and yet again, I did not envy Lorenzo for having to deal with that. Think about it, when would that ever happen to you in your lifetime? How about never? That’s not reality. Has a guy ever dated two women at the same time? Of course. Has a guy ever lied out of his ass to both women and never told one about the other? Of course. Has he ever had to meet both sets of parents at the same time in the same room? Ummmm, no. I was impressed Lorenzo didn’t go off the deep end on his mom asking her, “Ummmm, excuse me, what the hell are you doing?” Although, I’m sure ABC had some input to setting up this whole abortion. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
-Next up Lorenzo met with each father to ask for their blessing should he ask their daughters to marry him. He went up to Crazy Dennis’ hotel room and downed a few pops before springing the question on him. Sadie’s father Reid was outside on a park bench with no drinks in hand. I thought those two were going to have a picnic or something. Anyway, after he asked each father the question of “Do I have your blessing?”, both of them came back with a 5 second stare that I could’ve sworn was burning a whole right through Lorenzo’s missing upper lip. Probably the editing, but man, he got some cold looks after he asked. And of course, both fathers had no problem giving their blessing to a man who just met their daughters six weeks ago and who they had met that day. Yeah, that makes sense. This show is pretty ridiculous when you really think about it.
-So skipping ahead to the stuff that really mattered, Sadie and Jenn had one last date with Lorenzo to convince him to pick them. Sadie and Lorenzo went out on a boat then back to her place, or wherever she was staying, for dinner. On their little boat ride, a rainbow appeared. And we all know what it means if you’re in a boat with a girl and a rainbow appears, don’t we? Yes, that’s right. Means its time to lean in and give her an awkward kiss. Lorenzo has perfected those, so he was right in his element. So back at her place for dinner, Sadie talks about how you just know you’re with the right person if you’re able to have “comfortable silence”. Well, any silence is comfortable to a man. That’s what most of us want. But Sadie is definitely hitting on something here because her and Lorenzo have this “comfortable” silence where neither of them say anything, but they don’t feel completely awkward either. You could read both of their minds during this. Sadie is like, “Wow. This is a man I could see myself with the rest of my life. I might be sitting next to my future husband. This is so magical.” Lorenzo’s thoughts? Boobs. Enough said.
-Sadie then presents him with a gift that ultimately led to her demise. She made a little booklet that covered their journey together. Pictures, cards, letters, etc…and at the end, she included a list that she made for herself a while back, which was titled “What I Deserve”. In it, she listed all the things that Sadie Anne Murray thought she deserved in a man. Great idea, bad execution. I don’t think you need to be showing him this list before he’s made his decision. And I know its easy to say this after the fact, but when she handed him that list, I immediately thought, “Uh oh. He’s gonna find something in there and use that against her.” And by golly he did. I’m so smart. Women, c’mon, I can help you out here. Send all your questions, comments, criticisms, queries, marital problems, etc my way, and you won’t be disappointed. And it’s free. I’m not gonna charge you $200 to sit on a couch and tell me your feelings. You listen to me and I guarantee your relationship will improve. Or deteriorate. Either way, I’m here to help. Steve@realitysteve.com. Let’s get this thing moving as soon as possible. If I’m going to begin my second career as a relationship expert, I need to start somewhere. Men, you can write too, but since I think there’s about five guys that read my column, I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot from them.
-Jenn’s turn for her final date. They went riding on a couple horses. Lorenzo had on an equestrian hat and someone seemed to give Jenn a motorcycle helmet. This was a very uneventful date. No one fell off the horse, there was no racing, just trotting around the field. Booooooooooooring. So they go back to her place for dinner and Lorenzo asks her about their overnight date in Sweden. He says that morning he thought she had something she wanted to say to him, but never did, and she ended up leaving. I know what it was. I mean, it was their first time spending the night together, so of course in the morning, it was going to be a little awkward. As a woman, you have all these emotions running around inside of you after you first spend the night with your man, I get it. So obviously, what Jenn wanted to ask but just couldn’t was, “Hey, the condom didn’t break, did it?” Or something like that.
-Then Jenn asks about their date at the Trevi fountain. She told him she made three wishes, and all of them came true. She said he told her two of his three wishes, but she wanted to know what the third one was. I think up to this point, ABC had done a pretty good job of keeping us in the dark on who he was going to choose. I don’t think they leaned one way or the other on either girl, and it wasn’t until this point did I kinda figure out who he was going to pick. But once he told her that he would essentially tell her what his third wish was when the time was right, I kinda figured he’d be picking her. I mean, how horrible would that have been if he said, “Yeah, you want to know my third wish? It’s that Sadie would want to continue this journey with me.” Yeah, probably wasn’t going to happen. But I do applaud the producers for not misleading the audience, or making us think it was one girl over the next. Or maybe I’m just an idiot and didn’t see it was Jenn the whole time. I didn’t know until that dinner date who he’d pick.
-So it’s the morning of the big date, and of course, the cameras are there as all three of them are waking up. Here’s what we learned. Lorenzo is a boxer guy, Sadie wears a bra when she sleeps, and Jenn doesn’t. Isn’t it uncomfortable to wear bra’s to bed? Of course, Sadie is wired a little differently than most women, so maybe it isn’t all that awkward for her. Time for Lorenzo to go get the ring. It’s a family ring that his mother had made and its probably worth more than Sadie makes in a year I’m guessing. Or Jenn. Combined. One thing I noticed when Lorenzo was looking at it? The giant callous on his left palm. Anyone else see that? I’m guessing that was a result from his overnight date with Sadie. Jergens works best, Lorenzo. Maybe next time.
-Now it’s time for the big night. Sadie is up first arriving in her white see through dress that has her breasts pushed perfectly together. Yep, those are real. Speech time. Lorenzo: “You look stunning…..I don’t know where to begin….I knew there was something I loved about you….About your Wish List….You said that you wanted to be with a guy who can’t fathom to be with another women, and there is another woman here, and at this point, I’d rather be with her…..and I’m horny and can’t wait til our wedding day to do it.” Ouch. Yet another instance where I don’t envy Lorenzo at all. Both of them stood there crying. Lorenzo because, well, he wouldn’t see her rack again, and Sadie because, well, her little gift book ended up backfiring. I’ve been in Sadie’s position before. Not good times. In fact, I would’ve just halled off and punched him in the face before leaving. But she didn’t. If she can restrain from sex for 23 years, she can certainly hold back slugging him in the jaw once.
-In the limo, Sadie was crying about opening herself up, and getting hurt. “I thought we had something….I just took such a chance….I haven’t given any guy the real time of day because I was afraid of getting hurt, and now this”. Poor Sadie. Foiled again. Back to L.A. now where every guy who saw this show will be thinking to themselves, “I bet I can be the one to change her mind about sex.” Guys are so simple and stupid. I’d much rather be a guy than a girl. Don’t have to worry about giving birth, don’t have to worry about crazy mood swings, can be a pig at times and get away with it, don‘t have to worry about crap like horoscopes and palm readers and psychics….being a guy really has its advantages. You women should try living like us someday. Its not that hard. Much less complicated too.
-Time for Jenn to get her ring. Speech time again. Lorenzo: “I came here for one reason….in search for love….I told you I had three wishes….the 3rd one was that I’d be here this night, making the right decision….This is a ring that is a family ring. I do love you, I love everything about you, but at this moment, I can’t ask you to marry me. I want us to work on our friendship first, and I want us to live like normal people in the United States, and if you still like me after realizing what a putz I am, then we can get married someday. Deal?” And that’s the story of Lorenzo and Jenn. Two lovebirds that traveled all the way to Rome to realize how good of friends they are. I typed the column a little later this morning because I wanted to catch a glimpse of these two on “Regis and Kelly” this morning. If you didn’t see it, you didn’t miss much. He basically said the same thing as he did last night that they’re going to work on their friendship and take it from there. They held hands a little bit, but, you could kinda tell these two are not getting married in my lifetime or yours. Why would she move to New York to work on a friendship with someone?
-To the surprise of pretty much everyone watching the show last night, we were introduced to next season’s “Bachelor” already. Gee, I guess I didn’t get selected. It’s Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, who they referred to as the “Hottest Bachelor Ever”. He is an Undersea Medical Officer, who has the body of Adonis and competes in the IronMan Triathlon. He’s looking to settle down, have “tons of children”, and they’re billing him as the “Officer and a Gentleman”. Oh God. First it was Travis as the new “Dr. McDreamy”, then Lorenzo and his “Prince finding his Princess” B.S. and now Mr. “Officer and a Gentleman” guy. I know nothing about Lt. Andy Baldwin other than what we saw last night, but I can guarantee you all the women will be tripping over themselves trying to get in this guys pants and he will end up being the sluttiest “Bachelor” yet. Mark my word. We’re in for a real treat when this guy starts planting his seed in 25 different women. Can’t wait til Spring of 07’. See you then….
-"Reality Roundup" will be back shortly as I have the "Laguna Beach" finale to cover, the start of the "Real World: Denver" and all the hookers they cast this season, plus, "Breaking Bonaduce", some celebrity gossip, and "American Idol" and "Apprentice" just a month away. Send all emails, questions, comments, criticisms, praises, relationship questions to steve@realitysteve.com, and maybe your email will appear in the next column. Or you can contact me via the Realitysteve MySpace page at http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24.
The Bachelor Links
-I think I’ve said this in every finale I’ve written about this show, but I’ll say it again. Don’t get me wrong, Lorenzo is still a horrible kisser, and I still think the guy is a weenie, but I do not envy the position he was in for one second. I would NEVER do this show. Ever. Not like I would ever be considered for it, but if I was given the opportunity to be the “Bachelor”, I’d turn it down without batting an eye. There’s no way I’d put myself through that. I’m too much of an over analyzer and wear my emotions on my sleeve for me to enjoy having 25 women chase after me. I’d be a head case by about week two. Seriously. It was painful having to watch some of that show last night. Maybe that makes me a weenie too. Whatever. I just know I could never go on that show and reject women to their faces on national television. No thanks. I’ll just sit home and make fun of it. Let’s begin…
-They really need to cut these finales from two hours down to 90 minutes, or even an hour. That was waaaaaaay too long last night. I had more notes written in most of the one hour shows than I did for last nights. The first ten minutes were spent recapping each girls journey to get to where they were, which we essentially saw last week. Did we need this? Again? We get it. Sadie is the young, naïve, little blondie from San Diego who traveled all this way to find her prince. Did you know she was a virgin too? And Jenn was the young, chatty, blondie from Florida who traveled all this way to find her prince. Did you know her father was about as cultured as a homeless person?
-So Lorenzo’s parents come to visit him in Rome to get the day started after he had his morning jog. Lorenzo even jogs like a weenie. His running style pretty much copies that of Lamar from “Revenge of the Nerds”. His mom is Amanda and dad is Francesco. Did you know they were royalty? Didn’t know if you caught that at all. But they are. Pappa Borghese was dressed rather eloquently when he showed up. Nice black silk shirt, with beige Dockers, white tube socks, and dress shoes. Definitely attire befitting of a prince if you ask me. Tommy Hilfiger he was not. But I guess if you’re married 40 years, how you look and what you wear isn’t of great importance anymore.
-So first up to meet Lorenzo’s parents is Jenn. Before going over there, we got to see her brushing her teeth. That’s always fun. I love when they do that. Next time, how about you get her coming out of the shower or shaving? Would that be more appropriate? Is this kind of like “US Weekly’s” feature of “Stars - They’re Just Like Us!”, where it shows Adam Sandler shopping for groceries, or Kate Hudson walking her dog, or Jada Pinkett jogging? You mean, celebrities do exactly what everyone else does? You mean they’re not from another planet and really function like every other human? Thanks “US Weekly”. I totally thought they were so much different than I was. When you think about it, that might be the most ridiculous section any magazine has ever come up with. Celebrities doing every day things. If any of you actually look forward to that section, or are surprised by anything you’ve ever seen in that section, you need help. Look! Jenn brushes her teeth in the morning! News at 11! Enough with the personal hygiene clips. We’ve had enough.
-So Lorenzo’s parents immediately start in on Jenn with the standard, “Why do you like our son?”, “Where are you from?”, “Have you ever kissed a man with no upper lip?” questions. Nothing too deep here. And Jenn gives the very safe canned answers of, “Well, I really like him a lot. He’s honest, sincere, he makes me laugh, we have fun together, there’s definitely a chemistry, I love that he’s a midget, and I can’t wait to someday buy him some kissing lessons.” I couldn’t tell if the family liked her answers or not. They said they did, but really, what are they going to say? “Jenn was flat out boring. We really didn’t like her. Hopefully this other girl he brings over is more exciting.” In fact, in the history of this show, I can’t think of one instance where the parents of the Bachelor or Bachelorette didn’t like both guys/girls that their son/daughter brought home. And not once has one ever said, “Oh, this’ll be an easy decision. No doubt he’s gonna pick her/him.” Except when Firestone brought home that slut from Florida, I think his brother objected to her. Probably because he wanted to bang her for himself.
-Lo’s parents asked Jenn how she’s different from Sadie. Jenn: “I think I’m more of the real deal. I’ll be open and honest with you. I’m a little bit tougher, and Sadie is a little bit more reserved.” Translation: I put out and Sadie doesn’t. I’ve already nailed your son on our overnight date, and I plan on doing it again if he picks me. Your son will have skin tearing off his body from all the dry humping he’ll be doing to Sadie if he picks her. Is that reason enough to be picked? I’d say yes.
-Now came my favorite part of the show. Lorenzo’s mom is into the whole astrology thing and is also a palm reader. Wonderful. I know a lot of women are into the whole astrology thing, and think that they can’t be with certain guys because they are a certain sign, and that doesn’t mesh well with theirs, and, …… you’re all crazy. I’m sorry. I can’t get with that. Here’s a bit of advice to all women who are waaaaaay into the astrology thing. Your man doesn’t care what sign you are, could give a crap what your sign means, and doesn’t want to hear you dissect how his mood and behavior is reflective of his sign. I know this won’t be a popular opinion amongst women, but I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to educate. It’s a woman thing, I get it. Its for you and your friends to discuss, and every man despises it. Trust me. They don’t care. And if they say they do, they’re lying. Every person has characteristics in them of every sign out there. Because you’re a certain sign, doesn’t mean that everything you say, do, think, feel, eat, sleep, etc is relevant to it. “Your days this month are the 11th, 16th, 19th, 23rd, and 29th.” Oh God. Please. Stop it. I hate astrology.
-And don’t even get me started on palm reading. So you can tell by the lines in my hand how many kids I’m gonna have? Really? So what if my lines say I’m gonna have two kids, but, I really want a bigger family, or, I want no kids? Doesn’t that make what I just paid 10 bucks for completely useless? Palm reading is worse than astrology. “Ooohhh, this line here says you’re going to live a long, prosperous life.” Oh yeah, what if that person gets hit by a truck the next day and dies? How come there wasn’t a line that told you that? Have I done a palm reading before? You’re damn right I have. I gave the idiot lady $10 on Venice Beach once and she told me absolutely nothing of importance. Everything was spoken in such generalizations that it made you think she just said it to the previous sap who just sat down before me. I was willing to sacrifice $10 for a good laugh. Psychics, palm readers, astrologists all have one thing in common - they’re out to take your money. If you want to believe the B.S. they feed you, that’s your choice. Just know that 95% of their business is women. I just made that stat up but it sounds accurate. Ok, more like 99%. I don’t know one guy that’s been to a palm reader or psychic who wasn’t doing it either for a laugh, or because his wife/girlfriend made him.
-Lo’s mom read Jenn’s palm and came up with some good stuff. “It looks like you’re very similar to your dad. You reflect his personality….your fate will be determined by the person you marry, you will have two children….there’s not one bad thing I can see in your hands.” I almost turned off the TV and jumped from my balcony after this. Why didn’t I? Because I had to stick around and see what she said about Sadie’s palms. Very insightful stuff. She’s like her dad in personality? I didn’t think so. There’s not a bad thing she found in her hands? So Jenn is the most perfect person in the history of the world? Wow. And simply amazing you could tell that by the lines in her hand. I have to hand it to Princess Amanda Borghese, she sure knows how to pick em’.
-So Sadie is up next to meet the folks and arrives in her 1930’s checkered dress. I thought maybe her and Lorenzo would be headed to the sock hop afterwards. Sadie got the same questions thrown at her as Jenn did. And she pretty much followed up with the same answers. “Lorenzo has a lot of layers to him…he’s deep…there’s a serious side to him….blah blah blah”. Translation: The more I kiss up to them about their son, the more they’ll like me. And won’t hold this dress against me. Lorenzo is deep? Really? Since when? He’s about as plain and simple as they come. “Deep” is a word thrown around a lot to describe men. Look, unless you’re dating a philosopher, or some guy with five Masters degrees, most guys aren’t deep. I don’t think I’m breaking any new ground here when I say guys want three things in life: food, sex, and silence. For the most part, you give ANY man those three things, and he’ll be happy. Talk about how “deep” your man is to your girlfriends to try and impress them, but really, he’s not.
-Sadie makes it known how important relationships are to her. Sadie: “I’m serious when it comes to relationships, and I don’t like dating a lot of guys at one time.” Holy crap! She doesn’t? Someone needs to get Sadie on the horn with me then. Every girl I seem to date wants to have three or four other guys on the side just waiting in the wings. Wow. I didn’t know this. Earth shattering news here. Imagine that. A girl who only wants to date one guy at a time? I’m floored Sadie. I really am. I never thought I’d see the day. There is hope then.
-Sadie tells Lo’s parents what she thinks of Jenn. And its exactly the same thing Jenn told them what she thought of Sadie. “Jenn is more reserved. I think I’m more spontaneous. We’re not similar at all.” I didn’t really know what to make of this. I was sidetracked by an email I got the other day asking me if I thought Sadie’s breasts were real. That’s a good question. I usually delete every “Bachelor” episode from TiVo the minute it’s over, so, I can’t really answer that question for sure. But if you go back to the fantasy date when he and Sadie were getting the massages and she was in the white bikini, I think you’ll be able to get a good idea. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re real. I mean, what would be the point for a virgin to get implants? Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? The main reason women get implants is to gain attention from men. There might be other small factors involved but, ultimately, they’re done so that the male race will look at you in a different way. I am full of wisdom today. Ask me anything, and I’ll have an answer for you. In fact, while the “Bachelor” is on hiatus, in addition to “Reality Roundup”, start sending me your relationship questions and queries, and I’ll start posting them in the column with my advice. I’ve decided it is my duty to help out more people in this world with their relationship issues. Email me at steve@realitysteve.com with anything regarding, well, anything and I’ll be sure to give you my sound advice. I’m serious. Realitysteve.com will become “Dear Abby” over the next couple months.
-Time for Sadie’s palm to be read by Princess Amanda. The main thing we learned from Sadie’s lines? “Your head rules your heart.” Wooooooooooowwwwwwww! That’s totally what Sadie thinks too. Because she’s held out for this long and hasn’t let any guy go below the equator, Sadie is completely convinced palm reading is legit now. Sadie: “I’ve been waiting for that one man that I can give myself to fully someday.” And when that day comes, I really hope she’s in a room with soundproof walls. Just make sure whatever you do Sadie, that your first time isn’t with Lorenzo. You don’t need to be thinking that he’s setting the standard and all of us men perform like him. Please don’t.
-So Jenn’s parents make a surprise visit and the three of them will go over to visit Lo’ and his family. This was allegedly supposed to be a surprise to Jenn that her family was coming to town, so she did a great job of acting when they showed up at her door. That’s why she was decked out in a sun dress with all her make-up on ready to go when they showed up. But nice try ABC. I think her dad Dennis had Mr. Borghese dress him. He was going to meet royalty and the duds he had going were an untucked purple polo shirt, blue jeans, loafers and no socks. Giorgio Armani he was not. But at least he had company with Mr. Borghese there. I think these two will definitely make Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed list next year. Count on it.
-However, Princess Amanda had a brilliant idea to have both sets of parents come over for brunch without telling them so they could make it as uncomfortable as possible on everyone involved. Wasn’t that a wonderful idea? So Jenn and her parents arrive first, only to be interrupted by Sadie and her parents. All nine of them together might have made for the most awkward of sequences in the history of the show. Hell, Jenn’s crazy father was the only one who made this brunch remotely interesting. Seemed like he was the only one talking. And he tried to crack a couple jokes. Didn’t work. Crazy Dennis: “Hey, so Lorenzo. Maybe five years from now when you’re married to Jenn, we’ll all be sitting around saying, ‘Hey, I remember Sadie’s parents. They were good people.’” Sadie wasn’t too thrilled with that comment. Sadie: “Hello? Coach Dennis? Penalty flag. Not funny!” Nice try with the football reference Sadie. Leaves the jokes to me. Ummmm, hello? Coach Dennis? Penalty flag. Totally out of line. Damn. I guess Sadie is funnier than me.
-There really isn’t much to say about this debacle that Mrs. Borghese created by inviting both families over. If you saw it, you know how awkward it was, and yet again, I did not envy Lorenzo for having to deal with that. Think about it, when would that ever happen to you in your lifetime? How about never? That’s not reality. Has a guy ever dated two women at the same time? Of course. Has a guy ever lied out of his ass to both women and never told one about the other? Of course. Has he ever had to meet both sets of parents at the same time in the same room? Ummmm, no. I was impressed Lorenzo didn’t go off the deep end on his mom asking her, “Ummmm, excuse me, what the hell are you doing?” Although, I’m sure ABC had some input to setting up this whole abortion. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
-Next up Lorenzo met with each father to ask for their blessing should he ask their daughters to marry him. He went up to Crazy Dennis’ hotel room and downed a few pops before springing the question on him. Sadie’s father Reid was outside on a park bench with no drinks in hand. I thought those two were going to have a picnic or something. Anyway, after he asked each father the question of “Do I have your blessing?”, both of them came back with a 5 second stare that I could’ve sworn was burning a whole right through Lorenzo’s missing upper lip. Probably the editing, but man, he got some cold looks after he asked. And of course, both fathers had no problem giving their blessing to a man who just met their daughters six weeks ago and who they had met that day. Yeah, that makes sense. This show is pretty ridiculous when you really think about it.
-So skipping ahead to the stuff that really mattered, Sadie and Jenn had one last date with Lorenzo to convince him to pick them. Sadie and Lorenzo went out on a boat then back to her place, or wherever she was staying, for dinner. On their little boat ride, a rainbow appeared. And we all know what it means if you’re in a boat with a girl and a rainbow appears, don’t we? Yes, that’s right. Means its time to lean in and give her an awkward kiss. Lorenzo has perfected those, so he was right in his element. So back at her place for dinner, Sadie talks about how you just know you’re with the right person if you’re able to have “comfortable silence”. Well, any silence is comfortable to a man. That’s what most of us want. But Sadie is definitely hitting on something here because her and Lorenzo have this “comfortable” silence where neither of them say anything, but they don’t feel completely awkward either. You could read both of their minds during this. Sadie is like, “Wow. This is a man I could see myself with the rest of my life. I might be sitting next to my future husband. This is so magical.” Lorenzo’s thoughts? Boobs. Enough said.
-Sadie then presents him with a gift that ultimately led to her demise. She made a little booklet that covered their journey together. Pictures, cards, letters, etc…and at the end, she included a list that she made for herself a while back, which was titled “What I Deserve”. In it, she listed all the things that Sadie Anne Murray thought she deserved in a man. Great idea, bad execution. I don’t think you need to be showing him this list before he’s made his decision. And I know its easy to say this after the fact, but when she handed him that list, I immediately thought, “Uh oh. He’s gonna find something in there and use that against her.” And by golly he did. I’m so smart. Women, c’mon, I can help you out here. Send all your questions, comments, criticisms, queries, marital problems, etc my way, and you won’t be disappointed. And it’s free. I’m not gonna charge you $200 to sit on a couch and tell me your feelings. You listen to me and I guarantee your relationship will improve. Or deteriorate. Either way, I’m here to help. Steve@realitysteve.com. Let’s get this thing moving as soon as possible. If I’m going to begin my second career as a relationship expert, I need to start somewhere. Men, you can write too, but since I think there’s about five guys that read my column, I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot from them.
-Jenn’s turn for her final date. They went riding on a couple horses. Lorenzo had on an equestrian hat and someone seemed to give Jenn a motorcycle helmet. This was a very uneventful date. No one fell off the horse, there was no racing, just trotting around the field. Booooooooooooring. So they go back to her place for dinner and Lorenzo asks her about their overnight date in Sweden. He says that morning he thought she had something she wanted to say to him, but never did, and she ended up leaving. I know what it was. I mean, it was their first time spending the night together, so of course in the morning, it was going to be a little awkward. As a woman, you have all these emotions running around inside of you after you first spend the night with your man, I get it. So obviously, what Jenn wanted to ask but just couldn’t was, “Hey, the condom didn’t break, did it?” Or something like that.
-Then Jenn asks about their date at the Trevi fountain. She told him she made three wishes, and all of them came true. She said he told her two of his three wishes, but she wanted to know what the third one was. I think up to this point, ABC had done a pretty good job of keeping us in the dark on who he was going to choose. I don’t think they leaned one way or the other on either girl, and it wasn’t until this point did I kinda figure out who he was going to pick. But once he told her that he would essentially tell her what his third wish was when the time was right, I kinda figured he’d be picking her. I mean, how horrible would that have been if he said, “Yeah, you want to know my third wish? It’s that Sadie would want to continue this journey with me.” Yeah, probably wasn’t going to happen. But I do applaud the producers for not misleading the audience, or making us think it was one girl over the next. Or maybe I’m just an idiot and didn’t see it was Jenn the whole time. I didn’t know until that dinner date who he’d pick.
-So it’s the morning of the big date, and of course, the cameras are there as all three of them are waking up. Here’s what we learned. Lorenzo is a boxer guy, Sadie wears a bra when she sleeps, and Jenn doesn’t. Isn’t it uncomfortable to wear bra’s to bed? Of course, Sadie is wired a little differently than most women, so maybe it isn’t all that awkward for her. Time for Lorenzo to go get the ring. It’s a family ring that his mother had made and its probably worth more than Sadie makes in a year I’m guessing. Or Jenn. Combined. One thing I noticed when Lorenzo was looking at it? The giant callous on his left palm. Anyone else see that? I’m guessing that was a result from his overnight date with Sadie. Jergens works best, Lorenzo. Maybe next time.
-Now it’s time for the big night. Sadie is up first arriving in her white see through dress that has her breasts pushed perfectly together. Yep, those are real. Speech time. Lorenzo: “You look stunning…..I don’t know where to begin….I knew there was something I loved about you….About your Wish List….You said that you wanted to be with a guy who can’t fathom to be with another women, and there is another woman here, and at this point, I’d rather be with her…..and I’m horny and can’t wait til our wedding day to do it.” Ouch. Yet another instance where I don’t envy Lorenzo at all. Both of them stood there crying. Lorenzo because, well, he wouldn’t see her rack again, and Sadie because, well, her little gift book ended up backfiring. I’ve been in Sadie’s position before. Not good times. In fact, I would’ve just halled off and punched him in the face before leaving. But she didn’t. If she can restrain from sex for 23 years, she can certainly hold back slugging him in the jaw once.
-In the limo, Sadie was crying about opening herself up, and getting hurt. “I thought we had something….I just took such a chance….I haven’t given any guy the real time of day because I was afraid of getting hurt, and now this”. Poor Sadie. Foiled again. Back to L.A. now where every guy who saw this show will be thinking to themselves, “I bet I can be the one to change her mind about sex.” Guys are so simple and stupid. I’d much rather be a guy than a girl. Don’t have to worry about giving birth, don’t have to worry about crazy mood swings, can be a pig at times and get away with it, don‘t have to worry about crap like horoscopes and palm readers and psychics….being a guy really has its advantages. You women should try living like us someday. Its not that hard. Much less complicated too.
-Time for Jenn to get her ring. Speech time again. Lorenzo: “I came here for one reason….in search for love….I told you I had three wishes….the 3rd one was that I’d be here this night, making the right decision….This is a ring that is a family ring. I do love you, I love everything about you, but at this moment, I can’t ask you to marry me. I want us to work on our friendship first, and I want us to live like normal people in the United States, and if you still like me after realizing what a putz I am, then we can get married someday. Deal?” And that’s the story of Lorenzo and Jenn. Two lovebirds that traveled all the way to Rome to realize how good of friends they are. I typed the column a little later this morning because I wanted to catch a glimpse of these two on “Regis and Kelly” this morning. If you didn’t see it, you didn’t miss much. He basically said the same thing as he did last night that they’re going to work on their friendship and take it from there. They held hands a little bit, but, you could kinda tell these two are not getting married in my lifetime or yours. Why would she move to New York to work on a friendship with someone?
-To the surprise of pretty much everyone watching the show last night, we were introduced to next season’s “Bachelor” already. Gee, I guess I didn’t get selected. It’s Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, who they referred to as the “Hottest Bachelor Ever”. He is an Undersea Medical Officer, who has the body of Adonis and competes in the IronMan Triathlon. He’s looking to settle down, have “tons of children”, and they’re billing him as the “Officer and a Gentleman”. Oh God. First it was Travis as the new “Dr. McDreamy”, then Lorenzo and his “Prince finding his Princess” B.S. and now Mr. “Officer and a Gentleman” guy. I know nothing about Lt. Andy Baldwin other than what we saw last night, but I can guarantee you all the women will be tripping over themselves trying to get in this guys pants and he will end up being the sluttiest “Bachelor” yet. Mark my word. We’re in for a real treat when this guy starts planting his seed in 25 different women. Can’t wait til Spring of 07’. See you then….
-"Reality Roundup" will be back shortly as I have the "Laguna Beach" finale to cover, the start of the "Real World: Denver" and all the hookers they cast this season, plus, "Breaking Bonaduce", some celebrity gossip, and "American Idol" and "Apprentice" just a month away. Send all emails, questions, comments, criticisms, praises, relationship questions to steve@realitysteve.com, and maybe your email will appear in the next column. Or you can contact me via the Realitysteve MySpace page at http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24.
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 7:26 AM
12 Comments:
I have to tell you how much I love your Bachelor column--you rock. I'm a little surprised you didn't go into ragging on Mrs. Hamburgese's hair "wings" by her ears, or her plastic surgery that pulls her mouth into a permanent smile--eerie I must say. And my parting comment to the girls: WTF? He is NOT a prince by birth, but I guess ABC needed an angle for this show and that was it. They never let us forget for a moment that he was a prince, or Sadie a virgin. I'll miss your bachelor posts till next spring, sigh.
What did Sadie in was the first sentence of her letter. Although not read out loud you could read it for yourself. She referred to herself as "a daughter of God". I think this letter gave Lorenzo an eye full as to Sadie's religious commitment and call me crazy, but I don't think Lorenzo is exactly religious. I think Sadie's commitment to her values and beliefs are admirable, but it will take a special man with similar beliefs to make a compatible spouse.
Julie
Prince Lame-Azz indeed. Although I must say you usually have one girl you like, and another you are eh... about, but last night I honestly couldn't tell you who I thought he should pick. Both were good girls who will be regretting the decision to go on the show oh about 2.5 seconds ago....
Also some quick observations....
Does Jen walk funny or is it just me?
Doesn't Jen's Dad sound like Bill Clinton...I was waiting for him to ask if he had any sexual relations with his daughter!
Lastly, DAMN the new Bachelor is HOT! Good god if someone doesn't get knocked up then I am going to quit watching...hahaha!
Love your column Steve! =)
Great recap! I will miss my weeking viewing of your posts but eagerly await your Spring 07' column! Thanks for the great recaps!
I always read your recaps on The Bachelor (hilarious!), but today it was especially important for me to read it since our neighborhood lost electricity an hour and 20 minutes into the show!!! I could not believe I'd stupidly dedicated time to this crazy show only to miss the last 40 minutes of the season! MADNESS, I tell you!
What can I say, Steve? You are awesome! I like the part where Mama Borghese said she liked Sadie's style... when she was wearing that hideous 1930s dress.
If you are looking for shows for Reality Roundup, you should watch Celebrity paranormal Project (on VH1). Andrew Firestone was in Episode 5.
Thanks for the great laughs. It really makes me wonder why I waste my time watching this lame show. Ok- back to the brunch- didn't Lorenzo's mom say something like "I had a great idea...to invite both families over at the same time." How would that ever be a great idea??? I think Princess Hamberguesa is wanting to break into show biz. If I were Lorenzo, I would have put some blame on good ole mom for coming up with such a nightmare plan (although I am sure the plan was conjured up with the help of ABC)! Lorenzo- please go learn some Italian so you can know the language of your people (Is New Yorker a language?).
Steve -- I'm dying to find out why there wasn't an "After the Rose" show -- have Lo and Jenn already parted ways?
I've been surfing around on the web and came across your website, which I have now added to my Favorites. I laughed out loud reading your recaps.
You're terrific! I can't wait to read your recaps on next season's The Bachelor.
Please continue the great work!!!!
Dr Andy = gaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Gosh darn it!
I love your updates, Steve. They are more entertaining than the show.
I figured that he was going to choose Jen because Sadie seems a bit preachy. For all we know, Jen could be a virgin too but chooses not to broadcast it. I'm guessing that Sadie is Baptist, and Lorenzo, being Italian, is probably Catholic. Devout Catholics and Baptists generally don't like to marry outside of their demonination unless the other person will convert.
When Lorenzo started talking to Sadie in the past tense ("that book MEANT a lot to me"), I knew that she was out of there.
I like Jen, even though she reminded me of Juliette Louis in Starsky and Hutch. I felt sorry for her when all the parents got together. The poor girl had to tell her parents to stand up when the others entered the room.
Steve, you are hilarious. I'm a little late with my comments, but here they are: Lorenzo seemed very 'milktoast' in ways and as a woman I'm certainly not attracted to him, but there was a side of him that seemed like an affable guy with a good sense of humor. I liked that. What I really don't understand is why they have these very young women on the show. Girls. Girls shouldn't be getting engaged or married, they should be growing up. In 2006, how do people even think they are really for a long term commitment in their early 20's - that seems insane to me. I haven't watched the Bachelor since about the Trista season, but I home and tired the first night of the season and I got hooked. It was like watching a car wreck. Erica gives me the shivers, as did Lisa. I eneded up really liking Agnese by the end, and Jen seemed like someone who just needs to find herself before moving around the country for a man -- although, come to think of it, seaparating from her overbearing, crazy dad can only do her good no matter the outcome. What was wierd about Sadie was the whole religous thing. whenever someone is so into virginity and 'purity' you have to wonder what skeletons are hiding in that closet...
Hi steve,
took March off?
Well Bachelor startet. And I have to say, I was laughing out loud laying on the sofa. Even my husband had his laughs.
Lt. Mc Dreamy, well...hugh smile and I hope, he turns out not to stiff and sometimes even funny. A good body is one thing, but you don't only look at a six pack, sometimes he is dressed, so I want to be amused.
The girls were hilarious.
There is the one with the huge eyes and even bigger ears (was spock her father?) and my what a self PR was going on. One sang the nat. anthem and he even squized a tear out (I had to lough out loud, it was so cheezy) and then they made summersalts and waves on the flor, wow.
Wonderful was the goodbye of the token "black"woman (who was realy not even remotely black), who realy showed her class at the end.
Darn, he let the freaky women go to early, I hope this season won't be to dull.
Have a great day steve, how do you like Dalls?
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home