"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 11/13/06

-So here we are again, yet another eventful night of the “Bachelor”. Who knew we had to wait two weeks for this brilliant episode? I certainly didn’t. I hope you all liked a couple additions I made to the site last week. The MySpace thing is working out well, I guess. Some people seem to like it. I threw in a couple quick paragraphs at major events that happened last week. And finally got around to doing the “Reality Roundup” column and podcast. So give it a read. Or a listen. You’ll like it. It’s hilarious. I think. It definitely won’t be another two months before that goes up again, and in addition, I will really try to add quick notes and some youtube.com clips if necessary. Let’s begin…

-Did you notice in the opening sequence when they re-capped the last episode, Host Chris is heard saying, “And last week, Lorenzo visited their hometowns.” Uhhhh, no he didn’t Chris. That was two weeks ago. No, last week, we got to watch Faith Hill’s meltdown when Carrie Underwood won “Female Artist of the Year”. I think that was my favorite awards show moment…..EVER. Faith is one classy individual. I think it would’ve been funny if we got to see her throw some crap too. I’m sure she did. But her and Carrie are good now. She made it known she would never disrespect anyone like that. Uh huh. Faith, you got caught with your pants down, admit it. Not literally. If that were the case, I think that clip might’ve been sold for a few hundred thousand dollars to some sleezeball porn producer. You think Faith and Tim have a sex tape? Seems like everyone does nowadays. Can’t say I’d be surprised if they did.

-So the show starts with Lorenzo and Jenn’s date in Goteburg, Sweden. Lovely city, really. Couldn’t we have gone to Stockholm or somewhere I’ve heard of please? Goteburg? Nice. Lorenzo is very fired up to meet Jenn. “I feel like I’m the only person around when I’m with Jenn.” Well, you will be in Goteburg, Sweden. Especially considering it’s a solo, exclusive, overnight, one-on-one date. That Lorenzo is as sharp as a beach ball, huh? During this date, they showed their past romantic date where he was wearing his “Saturday Night Fever” dance outfit. Imagine if he just started acting like Travolta on that date? That would’ve been classic. “You’re every woman…..You’re every woman to me…..” Nothing beats late 70’s Bee Gee tunes. Nothing, I tell ya’.

-So I guess these two went to some Disneyland rip-off in Goteburg because they were at an amusement park on a roller coaster. Maybe Goteburg is more popular than I thought? Yeah right. Jenn is ecstatic over seeing Master P again. “He looked so handsome. I really missed him a lot.” Ummmm, he had on jeans, a sweater, and an untucked shirt. I guess that constitutes handsome where Jenn is from. Coral Gables, Florida is it? Note to self: Head down to Coral Gables, Florida in jeans, untucked dress shirt, and preppy sweater to woo all the ladies. That’s a heck of a couple those two. He of the sophisticated attire he wears, and her of the unsophisticated lifestyle she leads. Two peas in a pod. And she talks a lot.

-So they head to some Ice Bar wearing parkas and ordering drinks with the blonde Swedish bombshell bartender behind the counter serving them. Yeah, I’m sure Lorenzo was all about Jenn walking around in there. So the hottie bartender serves them a couple crazy Swedish drinks with chocolate syrup in them. Or whatever the hell that was. Then these two got down to business and started talking serious. The P: “Would you ever consider moving to New York?” Jenn: “Of course…..if you paid for all travel expenses, found me a job, found me some friends, and would promise we wouldn’t break up in a month.” So Jenn basically says her teaching job will allow her to move, she wouldn’t mind living in New York, and really the only obstacle would be that the tracking device her father has around her ankle could be disabled. If not, Lorenzo gets a bullet in the head. Fairly simple.

-So over an afternoon lunch, the serious questions continue. This time, Prince McShorty is wearing an orange sweater. It’s just very, ummmm, orange. And not something I’d be caught dead with. But whatever. To each his own. Lorenzo: “Have you ever been in love?” Jenn: “Yes, twice. Once when I was 16. It was real. Then all through college I was with someone and it was very serious.” In love at sixteen? Is that possible? My dilemmas at sixteen were: Which pimple cream do I use? Do I have enough money to eat lunch today? And is it possible to order dirty movies without it showing up on the cable bill and my parents seeing? Just call it what it is. Lust, not love. Please. We’re all walking hormones in high school. What made Jenn any different? I’d love to see this guy now. I’m sure he’s well off, owns tons of real estate, and is living the good life off South Beach. Or not. My guess? Mechanic at the local “Bobby’s Tube and Lube”.

-So Jenn’s turn to get serious on him. Jenn: “What do you think makes relationships work?” P-Lo: “Well, I think first off having things in common is key, and communication is important, and you gotta have fun, and…” On and on and on this crap went. Look, we get it you goon. Tell her what she wants to hear now since you know the overnight date card is about to be brought to the table. Anything to get her in bed, right Lorenzo? You pig. You should be disgusted with yourself, lying to such a sweet, innocent, naïve, Daddy’s girl like that. Shame on you. Her father is watching this and he will murder you if you lay a hand on her.

-It’s that time. Yes, the overnight date card which hasn’t changed in twelve seasons of the show. “Jenn and Lorenzo….I hope you’re enjoying your stay in _(insert city)_. Should you decide to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to spend the night as a couple in this fantasy suite….the spermicide is in the top drawer.” Jenn waited about four milliseconds to say “Yes. I will spend the night with you. I will engage in some steamy lovemaking. And I will probably remember it as being the worst sex I’ve ever had.” So they get up to the suite and they’re in robes, and entering the hot tubs for a little foreplay….errrr…..conversation before heading to bed. Jenn said Lorenzo’s spotty, patchy, glued on chest hair made him look sexy. And I vomited so violently, lunch from three weeks ago came up. Lorenzo is a weenie. Yes, I’ve resorted to name calling. But I can’t think of a better word to describe him.

-Commercial. Man, I almost feel sorry for Sadie. I don’t know if any of you knew this because they’ve kept it pretty tight lipped all season, but did you know Sadie was a virgin? No joke. I never would’ve guessed until this episode where they actually called her “The Virgin”. Gee, and I thought I was bad harping on it every column. Now ABC is running that storyline into the ground. “Will the virgin accept the overnight fantasy date?” That’s seriously how they were teasing this. I’m sure Sadie didn’t feel self conscious at all that her lack of promiscuity is only thing the producers seem to give a rat’s ass about. That’s crazy. Leave the virgin alone. Not all virgins need to be treated this way. A virgin is no different than any other woman. Except with way less sex. You’re gonna make her cry. Now stop it. You go, Sadie. We’re all rootin’ for ya’ to begin maturing into a woman before our very eyes.

-So Lisa’s date was in Budapest, Hungary. Huh? Was Iraq not available for filming? Of all the European countries to take her to, Hungary was the happening place? Hungary makes Goteburg look like heaven with unicorns. Or something like that. Regardless, the Prince informs us he was a little bothered with his hometown date with Lisa because of the wedding dress, the wedding gowns, and having to listen to her friend sell her out for having a timeline that needed to be met. Really? That bothered him? I don’t see why. It was such a subtle approach she took. I didn’t think for a second that’d scare anybody off and have them running for the hills. Hmmm…weird. Maybe that’s just me.

-My favorite part of the show happened next. Lorenzo and her get aboard a boat and he grills her on being such a huge stalker towards the “Bachelor” show. Her response? “I think it’s good TV. I find it entertaining.” At that point, I probably would’ve chucked her overboard and told Chris you’d just like to begin the final dates as soon as possible. Good TV? “The Bachelor”? This show isn’t good. It’s crap. That’s why we watch it. We watch it to see lunatics like yourself make asses of themselves week after week talking about their space time continuum clock ticking and whether or not the flux capacitor will have enough energy to bring you back to 1985. I’m sure they edited out the scenes where she talked about her love for the rhythm method with her partner, too. I think Lisa saying the “Bachelor” was good TV solidified one of two things: 1) Her departure from the show, and 2) If there’s going to be another “Bachelorette”, she’s first on their list. I could see her being the one. And I could also see every guy completely turned off by her clock.

-She digs herself an even deeper whole. Lorenzo: “Who was your favorite Bachelor?” Lisa: “Travis was hot, but he was a total tool…..I liked Andrew Firestone….I’ve liked all the guys they’ve had. I found them all entertaining.” Translation: Lorenzo, I would’ve done eight seasons of this show and screwed all previous eight Bachelors in hopes to get pregnant. I just auditioned too late. You don’t think Firestone’s ears were burning last night knowing he’s got an easy lay in the Pacific Northwest now? Or Travis the Dork, mountain climbing somewhere in Colorado, knowing that Lisa is willing to bear his children? Those guys are probably on the phone with Host Chris as we speak trying to get hooked. Oh yeah, Jesse Palmer too. I think he’s currently in the lead for most women bagged on this show. He doesn’t want his title taken away just yet.

-Lisa: “We didn’t have a good conversation over lunch. I felt on the spot.” No, you didn’t. You kinda picked up on that, huh? Yeah, probably not a good idea to tell him how hot and bothered you get by past Bachelors. Not the smartest thing you’ve said on the show. So for dinner, Lisa takes a deep breath, puts their lunch conversation behind them, and now is ready to get things back to normal. So she removed her right shoe, and firmly implants her foot into her mouth again. Lisa: “I’ve been in love twice….in college, for 3 ½ years…but then I met someone while I was with him, and I was in love within two weeks….but we kept breaking up, then getting back together, then breaking up, then getting back together. It finally ended in Februrary (three weeks before applying to the show).” Check, please. Yeah, some catch this girl is. I think Lisa’s in love if: a) she sees you on TV, b) you look at her, or, c) you look at her while you’re on TV.

-This is awesome. These two have been alone for lunch and dinner and it couldn’t be more uncomfortable. This is by far the most tense overnight date this show has seen since Trista and that Russ guy. I think that was his name. The dude she was with in Sedona, Arizona. Next up? Where to live. Lorenzo: “I ain’t moving to Portland, you get that right? Not a chance in hell I’m moving from New York to Portland to be with your psycho ass, got it?” I think Lisa swallowed her tongue at this point. This was Clubber and Rockys first fight in “Rocky III”. This was the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima. A complete and utter mismatch of epic proportions. She must feel about 3 feet tall right now. Which only puts her about 2 inches shorter than Lorenzo.

-Backed into a corner, completely getting obliterated by every question thrown her way, and pretty much gasping for air at this point, the Prince busts out the overnight date card. Before he even opens it, it’s on. Lisa: “You don’t even have to read it. I already know what it says and my answer is ‘yes’. Let me take my pill and I’ll meet you upstairs in five minutes.” Of course, knowing there wasn’t a chance on God’s green earth he was keeping this looney bin around, Lorenzo pretty much gets a free lay for the evening with no strings attached. Lorenzo: “I was glad to see her expressing her emotions and expressing herself.” Uh huh. Sure, buddy. Then they kissed. I think. I look away and scream every time I see he’s about to tongue someone now. Too painful.

-Commercial. The “American Music Awards” are next Tuesday. If they’re anything like the “CMA’s” last week, I’m tivo’ing them and stamping it with a “Save Until I Delete” status. Who would be the #1 candidate to have a meltdown at the AMA’s? Kanye? Too predictable. I don’t think he can ruin two award shows in a span of two months, could he? Can someone just make sure that crazy whore Courtney Love is there? She’s always good for few million laughs. Can you imagine having that woman as your mother? Me neither. Just kill me now. With all the drugs and alcohol and male genitals that have been inside her, I’d think you can catch something by being in the same state as her. Get a hold of yourself, you tramp. At Pamela Anderson’s roast on “Comedy Central”, someone said that they didn’t think it was possible that Kurt Cobain could look better than Courtney Love right now, but he does. Might’ve been the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. Definitely my nomination for “Mom of the Year”.

-So Sssssssadie’s date is in Ssssssssicily. Awwww…how appropriate is that. She can lisp her way to Lorenzo’s heart. But first, Ssssssadie has a secret we should all know. “I’m a virgin and saving myself for marriage, and I just keep thinking about when he’s gonna pull that card out tonight.” That’s what you call a man’s privates? A card? Hmmmmm….never heard that one before. And Sadie’s a virgin, in case you didn’t know. She just told us if you’re scoring at home. Lorenzo tells her that his other two dates were in Budapest and Sweden. Sadie is jealous. Why? Sadie: “Jenn and Lisa aren’t virgins. I don’t know where he went physically with either of them.” We do. Wanna guess? Let’s just say Jenn likes it in different places with a little more variety, and Lisa has a fetish for foreplay and kinky toys. Just a hunch. But hey, at least you can offer Lorenzo your tongue and nothing else until the wedding night. I’m sure that won’t factor in his decision at all.

-So these two go into some pool with scuba gear on and make out. I didn’t know it was physically possible to make out with someone while under water. Did you? But I’m guessing if one guy could pull it off, it’s that Cassanova himself, Mr. Lorenzo Borghese. You devil you. No wonder all the ladies knees buckle when you approach their lips. Lorenzo: “I’ve never questioned Sadie’s motives since she’s been here. But how will she respond behind closed doors together?” “Ooooohhh!!! I know!!!! Teacher, teacher!!! Over here!!!!” “Yes, Stephen.” “Sadie will respond like a cold, dead fish.” I was always the teacher’s pet in school. Either that, or they hated me for being the class clown. One of the two. 5th grade I was voted “Class Clown” and pretty much have been a sarcastic ass ever since. Oh well.

-Commercial. “Dancing With the Stars” finale tonight. You don’t know how excited I am for this. Not that I care who wins, because I don’t. But I want to see which former “Saved by the Bell” cast members show up this week to support AC Slater. If we can just get an appearance from Lisa Turtle and Screech, I think my life would be complete. Hey, if Jesse Spano can take time out of her busy schedule last week to see Slater perform, then Lisa and Screech sure as hell better be able to. They’re certainly not busy. Except maybe for Screech who’s busy filming his double team exploits with hookers and posting it on websites. If there are three worse words going right now than “Screech Sex Tape”, I don’t know what they are. God help us all.

-So as Sadie is about to sit down for dinner with Lorenzo, the overnight date is weighing on her mind. Sadie: “It means a lot. I am saving myself for marriage…..” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE KNOW ALREADY!!!!!! Damn, woman. Your virginity is just about the only thing we do know about you. On and on and on she went. “I’m a classy, conservative woman…this is a big deal.” La la la la la la la la la la la…I’m plugging my ears now. I’m about to delete the show and not finish watching if you don’t shutup already. Here’s Lorenzo to save the day. Lorenzo: “I like classy and conservative women……” NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Not him too!!!! This is all a bit much for me. I’m sorry. I just ate a sandwich that consisted of two pieces of bread and some razor blades. It’s very painful, but not nearly as much as what I was watching.

-So Sadie decides to take the risk and accept the overnight date. Oh boy. Mommy and Daddy are definitely sending you to bed without dinner, young lady. Sadie: “He didn’t expect anything more than to just spend time with me. I was so happy.” Sure he didn’t honey. Then why did we hear screaming coming from the room, producers and directors busting in without consent, and seeing you tied to the bed butt naked and Lorenzo holding a cucumber? Or so I was told.

-Wow. This show really breezed by. We’re already at the Rose Ceremony. It’s big speech time from the Prince himself. “Thank all three of you…..wasn’t one moment that was better than the other…I’m not one to date three women….I just really wanna get this over with….Sadie, how come it doesn’t look like you can walk straight?”

Sadie: After she waddled to him, she says how nervous she was. We all are nervous for you, honey. None of us saw you use protection.

Jenn: Her date seemed like it was seven episodes ago. And there hasn’t even been seven episodes this season. That’s how long ago it seemed like. Long time.

-Lisa is crushed. And rightfully so. Her clock just broke and Doctor Brown can’t fix it. Lorenzo: “If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes because of your biological calendar, or because you loved me?” Great question. One which I don’t even remember her answer to. But I’m sure it wasn’t any good. A lot of crying, a lot of stuttering, and a lot of, “Will you still take me to the ‘Enchantment Under the Sea Dance?’” requests. But to no avail. Lisa is going home to Portland and is lining potential suitors up to be her next lay. Travis Stork and Andrew Firestone are en route to Portland as we speak and will hold a 2 out of 3 falls wrestling match for her services. May the best man win, guys. Good luck.

-Did it seem like after he put Lisa in the town car, he slammed the door harder than normal? I thought so. So was it more like, “Man, this door is jammed. Better close it hard?” Or maybe, “Oh my word, finally I am done with your crazy ass. Be gone, woman!” Either way, I think he was happy to finally get rid of her. He cried sending Ahn-YAY-zay home. Not so much for Lisa. What does that tell ya’? For someone with such potential in the beginning of the show, she really screwed the pooch this season. Cute girl, but damn, that’s a lot of baggage to deal with.

-So next week will be the “Women Tell All” episode with “Never before unseen footage!” If that means we actually get to see all three overnight dates after midnight, then count me in. If not, ehhhhhhh. I guess I’ll still watch. Especially since I’m sure Erica will have some pleasant things to say about the ladies. And Lisa will tell us if Travis or Andrew is the lucky father of her unborn child. And Ahn-YAY-zay will bust out perfect English and show us all how stupid we were for believing she was a true Italian and not some bad soap opera actress who lied about her age. Keep it comin’, ABC. We can never get enough of this nonsense. Until next week….


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