Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 2/11/07

AMERICAN IDOL

-So, the big deal surrounding “Idol” this season so far has been the judges being meaner than in previous seasons. Huh? Has anyone ever watched the previous seasons? The audition episodes are the same exact thing every single year. They’ll show the horrible singers, Randy and Paula will laugh at them, then pop up from their chair when some bad singer hits a high note, or will turn away in shame if they’re God awful, or look over at the producers, and Simon will tell them they suck. Rinse and repeat for five seasons. Why are people shocked by this? The judges have been no different this season than they have in any previous season. Its ridiculous.

-Every single one of those lunatics who camps out the night before to audition knows exactly what they’re signing up for when they audition. If they are horrible, they are going to get ridiculed, regardless of how mean it sounds. Simon Cowell said in an interview recently that not one of these people has ever walked away before trying out because of what producers told them what MIGHT happen. They know exactly what they’re getting into and every single one of them would kill to be made fun of on national television, so lets not pretend like these people are that bothered by this.

-As for the two imparticular that Simon took heat for making fun of, the “Bush baby” kid, and his overweight friend who we came to find out later was part of the Special Olympics. Think those kids are still bothered that they were made fun of? I’m guessing not considering that Jay Leno sent them to Miami for Super Bowl Week as his correspondents. Yeah, that would’ve happened if they never appeared on “Idol”. Please. So he called the guy a “Bush baby”. I’d say that was a compliment if you ask me. And the other kid who he befriended, a spokesman for the Special Olympics actually released a statement afterwards APPLAUDING “Idol” for putting him on the show and giving him a chance. Yet, because Rosie O’Pig’s annoying self is upset about this, then we’re all supposed to be. I don’t hate many people in this world, but I can honestly say I hate Rosie O’Donnell. Go away. I’m on The Donald’s side on this one.

-Let’s make one thing clear about Simon as well. Of course he is the most critical of the three judges, but, Simon really only is degrading with the people who come in with attitude and think they’re the next Mariah, or Christina, or whoever. If you’re just a doofus who’s a terrible singer, but don’t bring in any attitude, and don’t think you should be the next American Idol because your friends told you so, sure he’ll tell you that was terrible, but for the most part, he’ll follow it with a “this just isn’t for you”. And if you remember, after “Bush baby” left the audition and the autisitic kid came in after him, they never criticized him. They were still laughing from the freak show friend of his who had just walked out, and when he sang “Amazing Grace”, within 5 seconds, we knew he was terrible. But they didn’t harp on it. “We like your spirit, this competition isn’t for you, etc..” How is that mean? Hey Rosie, when 37 million people tune in to see it, I guess its not that bad.

-Ok, enough shilling for “Idol”. I should be on their payroll the way I defend the show, but some people just get completely carried away when criticizing the show. You know who doesn’t like that show? “Music Guy”. You know who “Music Guy” is. You probably either know him personally or know someone who knows him. He’s that guy that only listens to music from bands that play in dive bars in front of 10 people on Friday and Saturday nights. And everything that’s mainstream, he hates. Why does he hate it? For no other reason than because it’s mainstream, and he’s trying to not conform to what everyone else likes. And inevitably, this guy is also a struggling musician. Who’s usually 100 lbs underweight, wears funky t-shirts, and ripped jeans. And smokes. A lot.

-It’s kinda hard to bash a television show that is the highest rated thing on television TWICE every week, two of its past winners have now won Grammys, and people that aren’t even finishing 1st or 2nd in the competition are outselling the winners. Did you see Chris Daughtry’s CD sold over 300,000 copies in its first week? Taylor was at about 296,000. And Katharine sold 116,000. I mean, I’m sure Katharine’s happy about selling any records, but to sell 150,000 less than Taylor in your first week is pretty brutal. Daughtry’s CD has sold over 1 million copies already – and he finished 5th! Think Mario Vazquez from Season 4 is regretting the decision to leave the show now? Basically he left because he didn’t want to be associated with “Idol” and locked into any contract with them. Hows that workin’ out for you now Mario? Do you realize Mario has actually released an album? Of course you didn’t because no one bought it. Great advice.

SURVIVOR

-We’re only one episode in, but I’m pretty disappointed that what looked to be like the best looking female on the show, Jessica, already got booted. That sucks. So far, I’m already into this season. This is the first season in a long time where, after the first episode, I actually know more than one or two people’s names. Why? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because this is the season of nicknames. “Boo”, “Dreamz”, “Rocky”, “Mookie”, “Papa Smurf”, “Yau Man” – oh wait, Yau Man is his name. Can we get a Mary or Jim in here? Is that too much to ask?

-Mark Burnett created “Survivor” and “Apprentice”. This season on the “Apprentice”, the winning team stays in the mansion and the losing sleeps in tents outside (more on this later). This season on “Survivor”, the winner of the first Immunity challenge gets the good island with the shelter along with a couch, a toiler, a shower, and kitchen utensils. The losing tribe gets a pot and a mechete. Coincidence? Yeah, probably not. Did Burnett really have to give the same gimmick to each show in the SAME season? Seems a bit of overkill to me. Although, it’s much more appropriate on “Survivor”. I have no idea what living in poor conditions does to determine whether or not you’re a good business person. Probably since the “Apprentice” sucks and its on its last legs, he’d figure he’d dig to the bottom of the barrel for a ratings gimmick. He sure did.

-I heard Probst on a radio show out here pumping up this season of “Survivor” before it aired on Thursday. For whatever reason, Probst has a way of making every season seem like its gonna be the greatest season ever – and I buy it hook, line, and sinker every time. Once “Survivor” ends, mark my words, Jeff Probst is going to get a gig on a major show, or he’s doing to end up being a big-time director or producer. Yes, I know, my Jeff Probst man crush may be going a little too far now, but, it’s really hard not to like the guy. Sure, he might say the same things every season and flap his arms around during Immunity Challenges like he’s a human stop sign, but so what? How would you like that job? Basically two times a year, you get a two month vacation on a tropical island where you host a game show. Would you rather be Bob Barker, plugging away at 174 years old, taping a TV show 200 days a year with the most asinine contestants this world has ever seen, or be Jeff Probst, filming 80 days a year in a vacation spot? And to boot, you get to bang a former hottie contestant from your show? My vote’s for Probst. You are my hero.

APPRENTICE

-You know that old dog you have that lies around the house, has arthritis in all four of its legs, doesn’t respond when you talk to it, and bumps into walls? That’s not the “Apprentice”. The “Apprentice” is that dogs great grandfather. Pretty sad when the only reason I look forward to watching this show is because I want to oogle over Ivanka. She’s definitely had herself some work done since last season. That’s quite obvious to the male viewer. Yum-me. You take take me to the boardroom anytime you want baby cakes. Tell me how bad I’ve been at my task mama. Scold me for….ok, that’s enough. You get the point. But when Ivanka only gets about 5 minutes of airtime a night, you can see why my interest in this show is basically in the toilet.

-The show was better when it was original, and it was fresh, and there were people on there we actually wanted to see do well. Now because the season moves to L.A., he casts eight people from Los Angeles on the show yet expects us to believe these were the 18 most qualified candidates to work for him? Uh huh. Sure. Especially when one girl quit and didn’t even want to try and work for you. These people might all be successful in their own little world, but I stopped caring about who won this show after about season 3. And considering we’ve seen Randall I think once since his season ended, how do we even know it’s a lucrative job these people are getting? And Kelly from season 2? Please. I wonder if he even has his own desk? Is Kendra even still working for him? And how many of you when I just mentioned Kendra’s name said to yourself, “Who’s that?” Exactly. Yeah, she won season 3. You know what the ultimate sign was that I’d had enough of this show? When he brought back last season’s winner Sean for the last episode. Until he appeared, I totally forgot there even was a last season, yet alone that Sean won it.

-As for the NBC crossover they pulled during the Olympics to have America vote in their favorite Olympic athlete to be on the show, I can’t even begin to tell you how absurd that concept is? I’m sure Angela is a nice girl with an impressive background, but what does her being a 3 time Olympic female ice hockey player have to do with her becoming the next Apprentice? Nothing, I assume. See how desperate NBC was to draw attention to the show this season? I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall in that meeting.

“All right, ‘The Apprentice’ ratings are struggling, what can we do to spice things up?” “Oooohhh! Oooohhh! I know! I know! How about America votes on which Winter Olympic athlete most deserves to be on the show?”
“Well, let’s see. We have no idea which athlete would even be qualified enough, this person chosen might have zero business skills, and there’s a chance no one will even know who the hell this person is……I love it! Brilliant idea!”

-Another first for the “Apprentice” this season that I’ve noticed. Every chick on this show has a tat somewhere on their body. A couple even have the Tramp Stamps on the small of their back. That’s the mark of a savvy businesswoman, I tell ya’.

GREASE: YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT

-This might be the cheesiest, sappiest, and corniest reality show ever created – and I love every second of it. First off, I’ve mentioned enough times in my past columns the love for the “Grease” franchise I have. And by no means do I think anyone can actually replace John Travolta and Olivia Newton John as Danny and Sandy. Trust me, these final 14 contestants definitely can’t. But it sure is fun to watch them try. Especially the two who got eliminated and then they brought back. Oh God. Ummmm, there’s a reason you eliminated them already. They can’t sing, dance, or act. Other than that, they’re ready for the lead in “Les Miserables“. And really, can we do without the fake crowd being brought in to stand close to the stage and fawn all over the contestants? Is that really necessary? The facial expressions are bad enough as it is from these wannabes trying to make it on Broadway, but when they think people are actually screaming for them, it increases my chances of vomiting during this show by a thousand.

-There are only about two guys that I think have a chance to win, and that’s Derrick and Chad. As for Austin, the TV soap opera pud, ummmm, if he could just tone down his gayness a bit, he might have a chance. As for the girls, well, they’re all hot, I’ll give em’ that. And that’s about where it ends for me. Some are decent, but nothing I wouldn’t find if I went to my local playhouse and saw a show. And I really think that Ashley is the front runner since she looks most like Olivia Newton John. Isn’t the best singer, isn’t the best dancer, and isn’t the best actress, but she’s good enough in all three areas, to where I think America will vote her through because she just looks like the next “Sandy”.

-I’m a little disappointed that every song performed on this show isn’t from “Grease” or “Grease 2”. That really bummed me out. At least then I know I’ll be getting my “Grease” fix for two hours every Sunday night. Do I really need to hear someone singing “Why Do Fools Fall in Love” if I’m looking to see who gonna be best at “Hopelessly Devoted to You”? Didn’t think so. And even though they’re casting for “Grease”, I think one week should be dedicated to songs just from “Grease 2”. Johnny Nogarelli, Stephanie Zinone, and Michael Carrington could be the guest judges for the week. That episode would NEVER get deleted from my Tivo. Ever. What I wouldn’t pay to see someone singing “Reproduction” in front of the tens of fans they’ve crammed into that place. It might bring the house down.

-I need to tell a quick story in regards to “Grease”. So I’m at Best Buy a couple weeks ago and had a $25 gift card that I forgot about. As I’m waiting in line, I’m looking at the cheap DVD’s right behind me. I come across “Grease: The Rock-n-Rydell” edition. Comes encased in T-Bird leather jacket. Very cool. So I bought it. Not so much for the movie since I’ve seen that 1,000 times, but for the extras. On it, it shows that there are clips from the 25th anniversary DVD release party back in 2002. Now this I had to see. And boy was I not disappointed. I’m telling you right now, if you’re a fan of “Grease” and don’t own this DVD, go get it. Or rent it. It is worth it just to see the old cast 25 years later, going up on stage at the party, and re-creating the so-called “magic”. Truly one of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Here were the songs:

“Hopelessly Devoted to You” (performed solo by Olivia Newton John) – I really, really, really want to remember the old ONJ, not the 2002 version. Yikes. Let’s just say she missed one or a hundred notes when she performed it again 25 years later. Dogs from next door came knocking on my door asking, “What the hell was that?” Don’t quit your day job, Olivia. Oh, you’re still singing? My bad.

– “You’re the One that I Want” (performed by ONJ and John Travolta) – Yes, after she was done with “Hopelessly Devoted to You”, she calls Mr. Scientologist up to the stage to do the whole routine. And HO-LY F*** he can’t sing anymore. If I were Kelly Preston, I would’ve divorced him right there. Would’ve gone straight to the church and denounced being a Scientologist right on the spot. Tell L. Ron Hubbard that your husband embarrassed you in front of hundreds with his singing, and you’re sick of him being attracted to dudes. If there is anything more funny than John and Olivia performing “You’re the One That I Want” 25 years later, I have yet to find it. Not a single note in key. Good job guys.

– “Summer Nights” (performed by every has-been who came back to the anniversary party) – This took the cake. What a great moment to cap off the evening. The best part about it? Olivia calls everyone up to the stage, tells them they’re going to do a group sing-a-long to “Summer Nights”, the girls will sing Olivia’s parts, and the guy’s will sing John’s parts, and if you didn’t remember the words, just look down because there will be monitors to guide you along. She was so excited about doing this – and she was the only one. It was like ONJ waited 25 years for this day to happen and had been practicing for the last 9,125 days (that’s 25 years x 365 days). So the song starts, she’s belting out the lyrics, drowning out everyone behind her, and EVERY single person who walked on that stage wanted no part of being there and having to sing, and they ALL had to look down at the words the whole song. Just go rent the thing. Even my words can’t do it justice. Pure comedy at its highest level. Trust me. Hey, at least I got a mini T-birds leather jacket out of it that I can put on my….ummmm…..my uhhhh…..errr….ok, I threw it away already since I had no use for it.

THE HILLS

-Whoever said that this show is about Lauren’s life in L.A. is wrong. I think they realize that, although extremely attractive, Lauren’s life is pretty boring. Last season all the good stuff involved Heidi, and same with this season. If Heidi wasn’t on that show, I wouldn’t watch. Nothing is happening in Lauren’s life other than her getting fed the cheesiest lines by one of L.A.’s most noted skirt chasers, Brody Jenner. Please. Does she actually believe what’s coming out of his mouth? I sure hope not. The guy has already gotten in Kristin Cavalleiri’s and Nicole Richie’s pants….like a month before trying to get into Lauren’s. She isn’t this stupid, is she?

-As for Spencer, what else can you say about the guy? First off, his teeth are fake and he looks like a real life version of Sponge Bob Square Pants. He’s a complete zero, he’s only on the show because he’s friends with Brody, and he thinks if someone taps you on the shoulder, that’s grounds for assault. I can’t believe he freaked out on intern boy and wanted to fight him over something as stupid as that. What a douchebag. And you know, of course, that Heidi will end up running back to him by the end of the season.

-I sit and watch this show every week, and I constantly ask myself the same question, “Why do I care about this show? It’s about spoiled teenage girls living a life that .000001% America can relate to, and all they care about are boys, shopping, and which club they can be seen at on a nightly basis.” And at the end of every episode, I end up telling myself the same exact thing, “Yep, you bet your ass I’ll tune in next week.” Please, someone shoot me. I have no business calling myself a man anymore. Really, I don’t. This is pathetic. This show absolutely sucks the life out of me. It’s the exact thing that bothers me the most about the female race, yet I am glued to it every Monday night. I need to see a doctor.

-I would continue writing more about this show in this column, but my blood is boiling, and I’m afraid I might punch a hole in my monitor. More to come on the “Hills” next week, I’m sure. I’ll be calmed down by then. I think.

TWO-A-DAYS

-Back for season 2 already. I think I like this show more than the “Hills”. One question though: How did that big meathead lineman pull that piece of ass Brittany? Are you kidding me? Awwwwww…he wants to stay together and have them both go to the same college. Yeah, it ALWAYS works out like that. Kids.

-I like how they started this season with the teams first loss. That puts Coach Rush in real meltdown mode. Problem was, he wasn’t melting down on his team. He was melting down on himself. Did you hear him? “I’m sorry guys. That’s my fault. I put too much pressure on this team and this coaching staff.” I thought he was going to pull out a gun and blow his head off. Well, maybe not. But taking off his belt, grabbing a chair, and heading to the showers wouldn’t have been that far fetched. At this point, I would say, “Coach, it’s high school football. Calm down.” But we’re talking about Alabama high school football. They eat their own kin if they lose their Homecoming game. I think.

-Good to see that none of our Hoover players have deviated from the only haircut known in those parts of town. Once again, all the players they focus on have the mophead going. Except for the black guy. He’s got corn rows. Maybe it’s a team unity thing, maybe it’s a white-guy-living-in-Hoover-thing, I don’t know. But they really like there hair long, scraggly, and in front of their eyes out there. Something I guess I’ll never understand. Good luck on winning State this year guys. We’re pulling for you. I don’t think people are really waiting in anticipation to see if they win their 5th state title in a row. I’m sorry. Gonna have to ruin it for you. They don’t. They lose in the championship. And I think the city of Hoover burned down afterwards. Hoover probably dropped their football program after failing to win State for the first time in 4 or 5 years. R.I.P. Hoover.

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