Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 2/24/07

Yes, believe or not, only 2 weeks have passed since the last column, and not 8. See? I’m getting better. Imagine the day where I write two columns in one week? Used to do it all the time. Not so much anymore. Why? Laziness basically. Anyway, before we get started, a few things I need to cover. And be prepared, this is a long column.

Quite a few of you have commented about my last column where I mentioned that “women are lame.” Please, please, please. Calm down now. Whoever was reading that, I wasn’t talking about you. By no means do I despise the female gender. In fact, far from it. But sometimes a man’s got to vent his frustrations, and what better way to do it than in my column which is read by 95%….women. Oops. So please don’t take offense. Be secured in knowing that women are still the #1 reason that I am not a homosexual today.

Onto some brighter news, it was announced last week that our only married “Bachelor” couple, Trista and Ryan, are now expecting their first child. This was announced, of course, by Team Trista. By her publicist. And under her terms. Because, you know, she’s steering that ship with a firm hand. I’m even willing to bet Ryan didn’t even have much say in the conception either. Busy firefighter, works long hours, then to come home to that nag? No thanks. “Get home right now! I’m ovulating! And according to my chart, I only have 15 minutes today where I’m most fertile! Hurry up!” And of course that sap probably dropped everything he was doing, ran home, and serviced her. Poor guy. But good luck, kiddos. We’re all behind ya’.

-Also since we last spoke, Britney Spears went crazy. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Some of you may be saying, “Hey Steve, don’t trample on somebody when they’re down. She really needs help right now.” And I agree. To a certain extent. She does need help. But something tells me she’s not gonna listen to it. I hate to sound morbid, but I don’t think Britney will still be alive within five years. She’s completely lost it. And you think she’s bad now? Wait til she loses her kids. Then all the sudden she’s gonna get miraculously better? You know what the only good thing to come out of Britney shaving her head was? It finally answered a question that pretty much every guy has had on his mind since Day 1 with her. Yes, we now know that the curtains match the drapes. Moving on….

-And finally, I feel the need to bring this up because I’m confronted with it everyday when I visit the gym. Usually I’m there in the afternoon when none of the flat screens are on anything I want to watch. That needs to be remedied. Can we please stop showing “Law and Order”, and “MSNBC”, and “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”, and “Stock Market Reports” when I’m at the gym? Is it too much to ask that ESPN be on a screen that doesn’t face sideways and you can only see it from the worst treadmill in the place? Is that too hard? Anyway, another show that’s always on is “Ellen”. Pretty neutral on her. Don’t hate her, don’t love her. Don’t really get the whole dancing around every show, but hey, that’s me. My question is, last week they were hyping Oprah making an appearance on her show with the title “It’ll change the face of daytime television forever”. Really? Why? Because one lesbian is interviewing another lesbian? How is this changing the face of daytime television? Seemed a bit over hyped to me. And as far as I know, that interview came and went, and television is still the same. Let’s begin….

AMERICAN IDOL

-Can’t say I’m too shocked by the four that have departed: Nicole, Amy, Paul, and Rudy. Rudy looked, and sounded, like a girl. Nicole sang like a dude. Amy had the personality of a candle, according to Simon. And Paul the Asian sang a very effeminate George Michael classic. Paul, last time I checked, “Careless Whisper” was not a hip-hop song. You might not want to be-bop to it while you’re performing. Doesn’t matter. You’re gone anyway. I was thoroughly baffled by his performance and would’ve been protesting if he didn’t go home. That was horrible. Granted, so were about five of the other guys performances, but still, Paul and his bare feet were a bit much. Amy managed to put me to sleep before her minute and a half was up. That was an easy call.

-I’m sure Idol isn’t too happy this season with the 6 guy, 6 girl final twelve considering there’s about four guys who were even remotely in tune last week. But here’s who I think will make the final 12: Guys – Phil, Blake, Chris Richardson, Brandon, Nick, and Sundance. I know, I know. Sundance was horrible. But that name is too marketable and I guarantee he at least makes the final 12. He won’t win by longshot, but he’ll last another two weeks. Trust me. But if by some reason he doesn’t make it, you can throw Chris Sligh in there for the freak factor alone. Both wont make it, but one of them will. As for the girls, that’s a tough one. I’ll go with: Lakisha, Jordin, Melinda, Sabrina, Gina, and Anotonella. If she doesn’t get kicked out of the competition first. And no, she was horrible last week. But she looks good, so that’s why she’ll make it.

-In case you haven’t seen, there are numerous pictures floating around the internet of Antonella being, well, a slut. Topless, wet t-shirt, posing with all her girlfriends topless, lying on a bed with see through lingerie, etc. Yeah, it’s all there. And of course for good measure, some X-rated ones of her going down on some guy. I question whether or not those are actually her, but the other ones definitely are. Nice going, Antonella. I’m sure your parents are proud. The most recent pictures just popped up on Friday, so if Fox decides to boot her from the show, you can replace her with Haley, who’s probably the cutest girl in the competition. And she just got engaged. Awwwww….how cute. It won’t last.

-A bit of quick advice for Chris Richardson, the Justin Timberlake wannabe. I don’t know much about music and singing and performing, but son, you have got to stop doing the look-a-way when you sing. Watch carefully. The guy quick turns away from the mike on almost every other line he sings. And even when you watch him in the background dancing to others songs, he still does it. That nervous tick is going to get him booted from the show. I honestly don’t think he can control doing it. But once you start noticing it week in and week out, you’ll wish he’d stop too. And Blake Lewis’ beat-boxing will keep him in the show for a long time. I know people will argue that what he’s doing isn’t singing, but neither were Taylor Hicks’ crazy gyrations and look where that got him. Blake will be the last guy left in this competition because he can’t beat box and brings something different to the table. Now, that doesn’t mean he’s gonna be in the final two, I just said he’d be the last guy left standing.

-Another thing to keep your eye out for? The parents. One of my favorite things to do while watching performances is to watch the parents groove along to their childs song. Because inevitably, not a single one of them is in rhythm. I’ve yet to see a parent in rhythm with their childs song in six seasons of this show. You’d think they’d be able to clap their hands together with the sound of the beat, but no. They’re totally off. And Chris Richardson’s dad is a complete spaz. He’s gonna hurt himself trying to dance to his son performing. I’m actually scared for him. And sometimes you don’t even have to narrow it down to just the parents. A lot of people in the audience can’t groove to any of these songs either. I usually start looking for this about 30 seconds into each performance, since by that time, I know if I think it’s going well or not. So to keep my interest, I look for other things to hold my amusement. And the parents always seem to do the trick.

SURVIVOR

-It is really disappointing that there is zero eye candy left on this show. Some interesting characters, but for the life of me, outside of Michelle the Asian girl, I’m having a hard time watching these women run around in their bathing suits. Blech. Even Rita coming out of her top last week did nothing for me. Maybe Stephanie LaGrossa can come back on the show for a third time. Or Heidi. Or Jenna. Hey, I have an idea, let’s have an All-Star Survivor but just with all the good looking ones. Someone can yank Elizabeth Hasselbeck out of her “View” seat for a couple months, can’t they? Rosie hates her anyway. And Amber can be on her 12th reality show in the last 3 years as well. I think it’s a brilliant idea. Too bad no one will listen to me.

-So I haven’t read too deep into any spoilers this season, although I do know that at some point, both Immunity Idols are found AND they are both played at Tribal Council. Not like Yul last year who never gave it up or ever had to play it. It gets played twice this year. Looking forward to that. And then of course, the big monster boffo socko thing that supposedly “everyone will be talking about” happens later in the season. I don’t know what it is, who it revolves around, or what effect it has on the game, but whatever it is, I guarantee it doesn’t top Johnny Fairplay lying about his grandmother. As big of a weasel and lunatic as that guy is, for my money, that’s the best lie ever told on this show. He had everyone fooled. He probably should’ve won that season too. Yeah, like Sandra or Lilian (the final two) had any business being there. Are you kidding me? Please tell me that season never happened.

GREASE: YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT

-So, this show is raising the bar on corniness on a weekly basis. Outstanding stuff, really. I mean, can anything possibly top the duet performances from last week? I’m serious. Didn’t you just feel the chemistry between those couples through your TV set? Uhhhh, yeah, me neither. Just because they were dancing close to each other and singing into each others faces, we’re supposed to think there’s chemistry there? And now Allie supposedly has a crush on Max? That single handedly made me throw up my dinner last Sunday night. Very disturbing. She should be disqualified just for that. Max looks like every single theatre dork I went to high school with who had a part in every school play put on. And he’s about as convincing as Danny Zucko as I am. Although, I can belt out a mean “Summer Nights”. Ok. No, I can’t.

– “American Idol” revealed who their guest celebrities are going to be this season: Jennifer Lopez, Gwen Stefani, Martina McBride, Jon Bon Jovi, and Diana Ross. And there’s still that rumor going around that Michael Jackson is gonna make an appearance. So who has helped out on “Grease” this season? Andrew Lloyd Weber, Jon Secada, and Frankie Avalon. Weber isn’t a bad name considering he has “Phantom” to his credit. Although, someone might want to teach him how to clap. And keep him away from heat lamps. He might melt. Jon Secada was brought on as a judge….why? Oh yeah, he had that hit song 20 years ago. How could I forget? And he played Danny Zucko in “Grease” before. So Danny Zucko was Cuban? Really? Huh. Could’ve fooled me. So when is Shakira gonna be cast as Sandy?

-Frankie Avalon just isn’t what he used to be, huh? Goodness gracious. How come he can’t sing “Beauty School Drop Out” anymore? That was terrible. I should’ve been tipped off to this when I heard Olivia Newton John couldn’t sing any of the songs 30 years later either. Can I request something? How about a moratorium on every singer from the original “Grease” trying to re-create the songs now? Is that too much to ask? Let us remember you when you could sing, when your face wasn’t all shot up, and when you were in your prime. I’m half expecting next week we’re gonna see a stoned, drunk, and coked out Jeff Conaway reprise his Kenickie role and belt out “Greased Lightning” before keeling over and dying on us.

-Have you noticed the giant change in the show’s format? When they first started hyping the show, the concept was that it would be like “Idol” and America would vote off one guy and one girl every week. Uhhhhhhh….not so much. Of course, after the season starts, they realize this could be a major catastrophe if say, Max’s family started flooding the phone lines and somehow he ended up winning, and now they’re forced to put a high school reject on Broadway. So conveniently they threw in there, “Oh by the way, your votes will only decide the winners. The judges will send home whoever they damn well please every week so we don’t have a huge screw up in the end, and only 5 people buy tickets when the show hits Broadway again. But thanks for not noticing and causing an uproar.” So tell us, why are you even giving the phone numbers out then? Just to lower the contestants self esteem by letting them know those two imparticular are least liked by the audience? Very nice.

-Not only was I creeped out by the duet performances, I found it rather insulting that Max was trying to cop a feel on Ashley. This is “Grease” people. Danny Zucko got nowhere near Sandy’s pants until the very end. And even then I bet it took him hours to get those spandex off. The whole concept of “Grease” is actually kinda funny when you think about it. Danny can’t like Sandy because he’s a T-bird, and she’s a prude. And getting to first base is a huge step for her. But by the end of the movie, she realizes the only way to Danny’s shallow heart, is to trick herself up to look like a whore, learn to smoke, slide into some skin tight clothing, and gyrate all over him. Walla! Now he likes her. So rule of thumb to all you high school prudes: If you want to attract the hot guy, whore yourself out. And be prepared to be groped at the drive-in.

-Who’s going to win this thing? Beats the hell out of me. Despite the huge negative points she should receive for having a crush on Max, Allie won’t win. So I’ll go with Ashley still despite the “Boots are Made for Walkin’” performance last night. And that unbiased paid audience they roll in there every Sunday night seems to take a liking to…well…everybody. Chad and Austin might be a bit too metro to be Danny, but then again, so are all the others. If I remember correctly, Danny used to grease his hair. Austin seems to style his with about a can of hair spray a day. I cannot look at that guy without getting queasy. You would think it’d be impossible to be overly dramatic on this show. Uhhh, no. Not for Austin. He has daytime soap hunk written all over him. I might protest if he wins. And in case you hadn’t heard, David Ian’s own money is on the line. If the audience fails, then the show will fail. He’s taking a big risk. Thank you David. So kind.

APPRENTICE

-It’s been a couple weeks, so we have a few things to go over. First and foremost, that somehow Trump managed to get the Lakers coaching staff and a few players to make a cameo on this abortion of a show. Do you honestly think that Phil Jackson, owner of nine NBA championship rings, and coach to two or three of the greatest players the NBA has ever seen, wanted to conduct a practice with a gaggle of ‘tards from a reality show? Oh lord. He must’ve gotten a hefty appearance fee for that one. By far my favorite moment of the season to date was when Muna, the Jamaican chick, told us that it was “the brill of a lifetime for be to beet Bil Jackson.” I bet it was. Growing up on the island of Jamaica, what better role model for a young girl like Muna than Phil Jackson. That’s inspiration for you. High comedy.

-Every year the Donald does something that, even by his standards, comes across as the most self-serving thing I’ve ever seen. Well, he one-upped himself this season. Tell me he didn’t take a phone call live right after he was done giving a speech at one of those Learning Annexes. That didn’t happen, right? Something tells that was all dubbed in later. I mean, he probably gets paid close a to a mil for a speaking engagement, yet when he’s done, he’s going to take a live phone call from his D-rated reality TV show so he can promote it even further? And since the people in the audience had no idea which team was which, why were they cheering? Oh that’s right, because the cue cards told them to. How could I be so dumb?

-Looks like next week we finally get an appearance from Randall, our season 4 winner. Long time, no see Randall. Hope your job is treating you well. Have you been moved up to coffee fetcher yet, or are you still copy machine paper re-filler guy? And where the hell is Ivanka? I thought the whole season we were getting her in the boardroom? I think Sean has made just as many appearances as her. There’s something wrong with that. Hell, Sean even got to RUN the boardroom once while Trump was out. No doubt Sean is becoming quite the Trump ass kisser. I bet he even has his own cubicle. Look, do what needs to be done Donald, get your daughters hot piece back in the boardroom before your ratings dip below any program on the CW. And oh yeah, it’s time slot got bumped to 10:00 now on Sunday nights. Good luck with that.

-In six seasons of this show, you know what I’ve never, ever, ever understood? Supposedly these are the smartest of the smarts in their profession. We all know that they’re not, but for the sake of the argument, humor me here. There somewhat intelligent based on their business savvy. Yet every single project manager of a losing team, or some member of the losing team, performs so horribly below human standards, that they are the biggest liability the show has ever seen. I understand the need for Trump to fire someone every episode, but how come we can’t have one task where both teams do unbelievably well, one team barely wins, and the losing team has no one to snipe at the in the boardroom. Is that possible? You mean every single task, someone is that much of a f*** up that they got on everyone else’s nerves? But that’s TV for ya’.

-Last week’s task was an interesting one for the sole reason that I used to shop at that Westfield Shopping Center on numerous occasions. And Derek apparently screwed up by not telling Aimee the percentage of Hispanics that shopped there. He found out it was about 50%, yet didn’t bother to tell his project manager. I’m here to tell you, that is far from the truth. Derek was given false information. Whoever told him that mall was 50% Hispanic shoppers couldn’t have been more off. Try about 75%. Then again, it is smack dab in the middle of L.A., so what did you expect? Caucasians? Please. They’re a minority.

BEAUTY AND THE GEE

-Didn’t write about this show all season, or the past two seasons for that matter, but just know its actually one of the better ones out there. I mean, what’s not to like about a geek who says, “If I had to choose between a woman and Star Trek, I’d choose Star Trek.” Priorities, baby. I really hope someday I don’t have to choose between those two. As much as it would pain me to not have Scotty beam me up, I think I’d have to choose women. Now, if you present me with “Dawson’s Creek marathon vs. a woman”, there could be some hesitation before I ultimately choose Joey Potter….I mean….women.

-According to a recent interview with Megan, part of the winning team with Scooter, she not only verifies that Jennylee was into Nate, but contends they had sex when the cameras weren’t around. Nate officially has to be crowned king of the geeks if he was able to pull this off. He banged Jennylee? Are you serious? The guy who’s the lead singer in a band that sings Star Wars songs nailed a UFC ring girl? How much money was exchanged? Did she lose a bet? Was he wearing his storm trooper costume and she didn’t know it was him? If Megan is telling the truth, and if Nate was actually able to copulate with a warm, living, female body, I think we all should give him a well deserved standing ovation. Pretty much is the equivalent of Lewis somehow getting into Betty’s pants in “Revenge of the Nerds”. I still don’t know how that happened. And don’t think that was just a one time thing where he tricked her. In “Revenge of the Nerds 3”, they were married. That’s just plain wrong. “I’m getting tired of Betty.” “How could you get tired of that ass, Takashi?” An all-time classic.

-Which brings us to our beloved, Cece. Reality television has been going strong for a good 5-6 years now. And we’ve seen a lot of crazy/psycho/slutty/evil/manipulative/stupid people that have appeared on these shows. Hell, I’ve written about practically all of them at some point or another. But I think it’s safe to say that Cece is by far the most despicable, shallow, self-centered, phony, most egomaniacal, disillusioned person I’ve ever seen on television. And those are her good traits. Name calling doesn’t even do what I think of her justice. If you saw the show, you know exactly what I’m talking about. All I know is karma is a bitch, and I hope someday that whore gets what she deserves, which is nothing good. I hate you Cecille, and I’m glad you guys didn’t win. There. I’m off my soapbox.

THE HILLS

-Yet another couple weeks of shows to get caught up on here too, starting with the one where Emily the Super Intern made her appearance. Kinda put LC in her place, didn’t she? LC takes a couple fashion classes and works at Teen Vogue and seems constantly stressed out. Emily was able to juggle all those and then some without missing a beat. Looks like LC has some catching up to do in the “working-for-a-living” department. And why did Emily give the double-kiss-to-the-cheek when she met LC and Whitney? Someone tell her this is L.A. and not Paris. But don’t worry LC, it won’t be long before Emily ends up in a sex tape, or gossip mag, or so strung out on drugs and depressed, she’ll shave her head.

-Sponge Bob Square Spencer was at it again this week. Calling him a massive tool would be doing a disservice to tools. He makes it clear to Heidi that she is #1 in his book. What he forgets to tell her is that he has a “1A” list which consists of every hooker playmate that visit’s the “Area” nightclub when he’s there and Heidi’s not. I just don’t understand why this guy is fighting so hard for a girl he doesn’t really give two sh*** about. He’s got all of Brody’s sloppy seconds, plus another boatload of tramps he can pick from when he goes out, based on what we see. But Heidi is his one true love? I don’t get it. Then again, I’m not twenty years old. Maybe I’m not supposed to get it. Gotta love how Heidi spends all episode ignoring his phone calls, having her friends tell her what awful douche bag he is, then by the end of the episode, she’s back in his car with him for a night of sex. As bad as Spencer is coming across in this show, Heidi looks much, much worse.

-This show should be renamed “Heidi’s Hills – starring that girl who used to be on ‘Laguna Beach’”. Of course there’s the saying for guys of “Bros before Ho’s” which we’ve all heard before. Isn’t there a similar one for girls? Something to the effect of “Don’t shun your friends to date complete man whores when they’re all telling you not to”? I understand she’s a teenager, I understand this is her first real love (I think), and I understand she’s a naïve little soul, but why do you stay with someone who makes you completely miserable? You tell him you don’t like him hitting on other girls when you’re out, and what does he do? He hits on other girls when you’re out. Where’s the logic in that? I guess I should just stop preaching to Heidi and let her learn the hard way. I think she needs to walk in on Sponge Bob Square Spencer in the middle of a menage a tois, then maybe she’ll get the picture. Or not.

REAL WORLD: DENVER

-I can’t believe I’ve yet to write about this season. Definitely a cast of crazies. Since there’s been about 10 episodes, it’d be impossible to go over all the crazy things that have happened. So let’s break down each character and what they’ve managed to bring to the show.

JENN: Promiscuity. Nothing says “I’m a gigantic slut” than boinking one of your roommates your first night in the house. Very classy, Jenn. I bet you’ll find it very hard to believe that Jenn actually uttered this sentence earlier this season: “I’ve never been able to stay faithful to any of my boyfriends.” You don’t say? Could’ve fooled me. Or this one: “Alcohol does crazy things. I’m not attracted to Alex. I wouldn’t sleep with Alex sober.” And of course, last week, a drunken Jenn did Alex – again. The next time I hear a woman use alcohol as an excuse for her behavior…..forget it. Before a vein comes shooting out of my head, I’ll stop.

TYRIE: A calm demeanor. You always need that guy every season who never flies off the handle, is level headed, and rationally works out all disagreements with his roommates in a very calm, collected manner. Ummmmm, that’s not Tyrie. When someone gets sent to the hospital on this naked beasts accord, just remember who warned you.

COLIE: Horniness. The self-proclaimed “kissing slut” surely hasn’t failed to live up to that reputation. That tongue has been in more guy’s mouths this season than I can count. She’s making out with Alex on the first night, then she’s snuggling up to her Outward Bound boss, then some random at the bar, and now her boyfriend comes to visit and she’s in love again. Someone swab her tongue for an STD.
STEPHEN: Rage. Ok, maybe not. Take what I said about Tyrie and insert it here. Why do they have to cast normal people on this show? Ruins the fun of it. Ok, so maybe he doesn’t understand the gay lifestyle. And maybe he cheated on his girlfriend, but, he actually apologized for it and felt bad about it. What Real World’er has ever done that? I didn’t think you were allowed to. In fact, I thought just the opposite. After cheating, you’re supposed to rub it in your boy/girl friends face and say you just need your space.

DAVIS: A lot of gay. They’ve always had at least one gay cast member for the last I-don’t-know-how-many seasons. But for Davis, I guess they told him, “Look, we want you to do everything possible with your boyfriend when he comes to visit, and we promise we’ll air it. ALL of it.” I wouldn’t know if he and his boyfriend have anything in common other than having sex with each other. That’s all they seem to do. And oh yeah, shower together too. At least Stephen is learning that gay people are just as horny as the rest of us.

BROOKE: Lunacy. Currently battling Cece from “Beauty and the Geek” for most annoying reality TV female. I can deal with Jenn being a slut and spreading her legs for whoever walks by her. And I can even deal with Colie and her disease infested mouth. But Brooke’s fits of rage really seem to get under my skin. Especially when they’re all her fault. Probably the best moment of the season thus far was the conversation she had with her mom the first time she blew a gasket.

Brooke: “I can’t believe I’m still paying $700 rent back in L.A. and not even living there.”
Mom: “Honey, what are you talking about? You pay $438.”
Brooke: “Not with all my utilities and water and power and electricity.”
Mom: “Honey, we pay that.”
Brooke: “Well, whatever. You know what I mean.”

Actually, I don’t know what you mean other than you’re a spoiled brat who can’t lift a finger for herself. And she must be living in a dump if she’s got a place somewhere in LA for $700 month. Are you kidding me? What freeway is she living under? Brooke, I suggest you clean up after yourself, quit wearing ankle braces when you’re wearing heels, and shutup every once in a while. I’d love for the whole house to gang up on her so she’s quit, but you know it won’t happen. By the last episode, she’ll come full circle, love all her roommates, and will learn to throw her own garbage away. Congrats, Brooke. You are an inspiration to many others out there.

-With all that said, you gotta feel just a little bit sorry for this seasons cast, don’t you? I mean, look at the last 7 or 8 seasons of the “Real World” and the jobs that the cast was given: Tanning salons, doing a documentary, working for an Arena League Football team, producing a ½ hour TV show a week, etc. And what do these kids get stuck with? Climbing 12,000 foot mountains and leading tours of children to do the same. Huh? How’s that fair? I’d be pissed if I were them. Wow. They actually have to work. Well, except if your name is Brooke or Stephen. Then you just make up lame excuses to not work so you can go get a mani and pedi. Good one, Brooke. I can see why you’re so loved by your roommates.

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