-Good to be back, but it was not the greatest of nights. I didn’t get done watching the “Bachelor” til almost 1:00am, I just sweated out a 101 degree temperature, and about 3 hours ago, I became an uncle for the second time. So this is taking some serious dedication. I hope you realize this. So any flowers, candy, and gifts you have, feel free to send them my way. The things I do for my readers. Its unparalleled in the blogging world, really. The good news? I don’t have too much to write because a lot of last nights show was being introduced to the women, then the rose ceremony. I knew everything I needed to know about Lt. Andy Baldwin over the past couple weeks. In case you were unaware of this, he’s a doctor in the Navy. And hes competed in six triathlons. And he’s a humanitarian. And if I’m not mistaken, he’s the second coming of Jesus Christ too.
-So we already know that Captain America proposes to whoever he chooses at the end of the show. ABC made it clear they got that out in the first 2 minutes last night due to its recent track record of skirt chasers they’ve used as the “Bachelor” who haven’t exactly been sincere with their intentions for being on the show. But Mr. Perfect will definitely change that. He’s here to find the love of his life, and according to him, he has. So let the guessing game begin. Frankly, I kind of enjoyed last night’s episode for two reasons: 1) It wasn’t two hours long, and 2) They didn’t spend an inordinate amount of time showing these girls being picked up at their house and being told they were gonna be on the show. Thank God. Thats a waste of my time. Like I care how these women can fake act like they’re surprised they were chosen.
-So when 10 Minute Abs was a kid, he tells us he had 3 jobs: a paperboy, a lifeguard, and a lawn mowing business. Looks like all before the age of about 8. Wonderful. I was an expert at ruining my spiral notebooks by ripping out the wiring at that age. Hey, I have a question. Why didn’t ABC just tell us the things that Andy DIDN’T accomplish in his life by age eight? I think that would’ve been much easier. I’m thoroughly disappointed he didn’t pilot an air craft carrier, or discover a cure for AIDS, or maybe feed the hungry in a third world country. And he calls himself a humanitarian? Pssshaw. I donated $5 at church last week. Top that, Baldwin.
-So the show began as it always does, with Host Chris at the mansion, gushing about our Bachelor who’s about to show up. Has Host Chris aged in 13 seasons of this show? He looks exactly the same as he did when he introduced us to our only gay Bachelor, Alex, in Season 1. He’s either drinking from the fountain of youth everyday, or he’s had a couple visits to Dr. 90210. Lookin’ good Chris. You’re still cute as a button. No, I didn’t just say that. Well, I did. But I didn’t mean it. I swear. Whatever Chris’ secret is to looking so young and dapper all the time, he should bottle it up and sell it on an infomercial. I’m sure there would be suckers who’d buy it.
-Host Chris informs us once Richard Gere shows up that its his 30th birthday today. And oh yeah, enough with the “Officer and Gentleman” crap too. Please. Why do they have to add a subtitle to this show? Especially from a movie that was crap 25 years ago. I haven’t thought twice about that movie in ages, so why do they need to remind me of it? Especially since it’s leading male character has an affinity for sticking small furry animals in his rectum. Hey, I don’t care if its an urban legend or not, I believe it. Anyway, it’s Mr. Olympia’s birthday, so inevitably either he or one of the ladies would utter the phrase “this is the best birthday gift ever” at some point during the night. And of course, we weren’t disappointed. Adonis: “Just think, I could end up meeting my future wife on my birthday!” Or you could end up meeting the woman you kinda like, date for a little bit, then end up dumping….on your birthday. There’s that too. I’m leaning towards that happening. Call me cynical.
-So it’s time to meet the ladies. I think for the first time in a long time, they didn’t show every single girl appearing out of the limo. I was trying to keep track of which ones they showed stepping out of the limo, and which ones they just showed walking up to him. There were quite a few. So of all 25 women, only these made some sort of impression on me:
Alexis: First woman out of the limos. She was rocking the long dark hair, a black dress, and the large gums-small teeth thing.
Catherine: A former Miss Illinois. Tall blonde with implants. Could be a contender because, well, she’s a tall blonde with implants.
Amber: From Sugarland, Texas. You know how I know this? Because she told us, since she’s from Sugarland, “I’ll be the sweetest one here”. Oh, I get it. Because sugar is sweet. She thought of that analogy all by herself. She’s a bright one that Amber.
Blakeney: All I remember was that she was in Radio Sales, which means she’s either been hit on, or slept with, every other sleazy male sales rep in her office. It’s a given. That’s what male radio sales reps do.
Tina: She brought a fortune cookie with her that read “Your dreams become a reality”. Tina is Asian by the way. Just thought you should know that.
Stephanie: The “hanus” looking girl that was given the first impression rose. So she’s safe for the first rose ceremony. Can’t say that about her virginity though. For whatever reason, I think she’s slept with all of South Carolina. That’s my first impression.
Tessa: Told the worst joke ever to break the tension. “Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other, “It’s hot in here”, and the other muffin says, “Oh my God! A talking muffin!” Ba-dum-bump. Thank you everyone. Tessa will be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress.
Kate: Kate made quite an impression on all of us because she was the only one of the women nice enough to wear a stripper dress on the first night. If that thing were any higher, it would’ve been a blouse.
Linda: She had giant bush baby eyes like that kid on “American Idol”. So she’ll be referred to as “Bush Baby”, at least until the end of the episode.
-So now we move into the mansion for a night of mingling, drinking, socializing, back handsprings, bickering, and more drinking. Stephanie, our first impression rose girl, is pretty happy about her rose. “I plan on getting rose after rose after rose til I get a ring on this finger.” Oh boy. Calm down Stephanie. I think it’s safe to say that Stephanie is not the one he ends up proposing to later on. And frankly, I’m still wondering who she slept with to get that first impression rose. I mean, every girl who walked up to Mr. USA was smiling and said something nice (or told a horrible, corny joke), so what made Stephanie stand out? I’m still scratching my head on that one. And apparently so is Lindsay. Lindsay is a 22 year old student from Kansas who’s as ugly as sin, but somehow was judging Stephanie. Interesting dynamic. More on Lindsay later.
-Bevin is someone who made an impression on The Patriot because she said she likes to mix it up a little bit. “You’re gonna like me cuz I like to get beat up.” Oh I bet you do, honey. And I’m certain Lance Armstrong will have no problem beating that up. I think Bevin could be around for a while. She’s cute, seems to be his type, already pretty much admitted to wanting to have sex with him, and well, her name is Bevin. I can’t say I’ve ever even heard that name before. Bevin? Is that short for something? Is it a nickname? Bevin Baldwin? Yucko.
-Tina, the Asian fortune cookie, probably had the line of the night. “I know I’m not the prettiest girl here and I don’t have the prettiest dress on…..” Just stop right there honey. You said it all. “….so I need to do something that will make me stand out.” So what does she do? She pulls her best Sanjaya Malakar impression, and sings the Star Spangled Banner for the 5th Baldwin brother. It brings him to tears. I was crying too. From laughter. Tina, I have a fortune for you: “One who sings horribly, does not get in Andys pants. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Namaste.”
-Lt. Perfect McPerfectstein has said some variation of this same phrase at least three times tonight and its really bothering me. He keeps saying that these women are not only gorgeous, but they’re intelligent, and they’re career minded. I know I’ve forgotten a lot about past seasons, but based off first impressions, this is probably the least attractive cast of 25 women they’ve had in some time. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cute ones, but there were no knockouts that I saw. But maybe I wasn’t paying attention and was so jaded by Andy’s lack of mistakes he’s ever made in his life, that I didn’t look closely enough. Maybe they’ll look better partially clothed. Or in a hot tub. But judging a book by its cover, I was not impressed for what its worth. Which isn’t much. I’m just being Mr. Shallow now. Don’t mind me.
-Another girl that Abs of Steel talked to was Danielle. I think she said she only had 2 serious boyfriends in her life and she believes in fate because one of those ex’s recently passed away. Mr. Red, White, and Blue says that he had an Uncle Tom who just died of pancreatic cancer, so I guess that means they have something in common? Didn’t quite understand that one. You had an ex-boyfriend who died, and he had an uncle that did. Ummmm, ok. Whatever. The point of them showing this was, once again, to make Andy look like the male version of Angelina Jolie. Apparently he’s also set up a scholarship in his Uncle’s name because he loves to give back. I feel about two feet tall now. Every guy watching this should. Seriously, can we stop already with this guy? I have trouble deciding on the meatball or tuna sandwich at Subway, and this guy is setting up scholarships for dead uncles. I think I’m gonna go run out in front of a car right now.
-Blakeney, the trampy radio sales girl, is apparently also a drunk. Good for her. She fell down next to the bar, she spoke incoherently into the camera, and after the show was over in the extras clip, we saw she did a beat boxing rap for Lt. Mr. Universe. Which was about as awful as you would think it’d be. So awful that Lindsay the Fugly Student took issue with her. They bitched at each other for a bit, Lindsay got all up in her face, Blakeney told her to get away in some slurred .20 speech, and that was that. No punches were thrown, no hair was pulled, and no nipples slipped out of dresses. So it was pretty uneventful if you ask me.
-It was also Peyton’s birthday that night as well. Gee, you think she was getting a rose? So they had that in common. And that’s about it as far as I could see. From Peyton, we went to Bush Baby. Bush Baby is convinced Lt. Baldy is for her. “Andy is a mirror image of me in a male form…..I’m very OCD in terms of my workout regimen.” I never would’ve guessed that by her 15″ biceps, her adam’s apple, and the penis she probably had between her legs. If that girl wasn’t on some sort of Human Growth Hormone or steroid, I’d be shocked. And ineteresting note that maybe only I caught, but only two of the 25 women were 30 years or older. Linda was one of them. And what a shocker, neither of them got a rose.
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. But first, Lt. Patriot must address the troops. “Thank you all for coming…..big risk…made my 30th birthday special…you’re all beautiful, accomplished, so talented, and so sweet.” Uh huh. Whatever. It is unbecoming of a naval seamen to lie to his constituents. And yes, I cannot believe it took me this long work in a “naval seamen” reference.
Girls getting roses: Peyton, Bevin, Kate, Alexis, Danielle (Connecticut), Amber, Tiffany (Massachusetts), Tessa, Nicole, Susan, Amanda, Erin, Tina…
Host Chris: “Ladies, Andy, for the 13th season in a row, I must inform you all, that I’ve done the math, and 15 minus 14 is 1. That means this is the final rose tonight.” Or something like that.
-Final rose goes to Stephanie from Kansas. She did a back handspring in her dress for Andy that landed her on the couch and made Andy give her a nice grope. Very slick by Stephanie. That’ll get her places in this competition.
-Immediately after he gave out the final rose, Lindsay the Fugly Student took off her shoes and took off, going on a expletive filled tirade that I couldn’t keep up with. One thing that I did catch was her saying repeatedly, “If I was blonde and had fake t**s, I would’ve gotten picked.” You know what Lindsay the Fugly Student? You’re probably right. Don’t lose sleep over it though. I’m sure after this performance, they’ll be plenty of guys knocking at your door. Go away.
Ok, time to head to the hospital to see my newest nephew. “Reality Roundup” will return this week. I promise. Until then…..