The Bachelor 10 - Andy

The Bachelor Recap – 4/9/07

-Ok, I officially hate the hour and a half shows. You do realize that every episode this season is going to be an hour and a half, don’t you? Why? Who made this decision? No one’s watching this crap anymore, so they figured they’d make the show longer? Really? Brilliant idea. Someone should be fired over that decision. And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know, regardless of what the ratings are for Andy’s season here, and regardless of how it turns out, the “Bachelor” has already been renewed for the fall season. I’m still scratching my head on what they figure to accomplish by continuing to air this show, yet “The Nine” got cancelled after six episodes. That was one of the few promising shows of the new season. Boooooooooooo. Anyway, let’s get started, I’ve got a boatload of crap to get to with that extra half hour to cover. A-holes.

-Host Chris immediately comes out to inform us there will be two group dates and a solo date. But he wants to give us the rules. Oooooh, rules now for the dates? When did this start? Is this where he informs the ladies they are prohibited from touching, grabbing, licking, stroking, or biting Andy below the waist? Oh. Guess not. Chris just informs them that no roses will be handed out on the group dates, each girl will get alone time with him, but Andy will choose one girl who he wants to spend a little extra alone time with. And the solo date goes to Stephanie from Whoreville because she received the first impression rose. That’s lame. Those aren’t rules, Chris. Those are “the producers needed to justify my paycheck for this show, so I have to come out and say this, even though a lot of my voice is dubbed in after the fact.”

-First group date consists of Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, the other Stephanie, Bevin, Amanda, and Tessa. They’ll all be going to the Sunset Strip for a night on the town. Or as Dorky Andy put it: “Operation Soul Mate is about to begin”. Oh for christ sakes, shutup. Enough with the military references. Look, it’s bad enough we have to deal with the “Officer and a Gentleman” crap, and now you’re making up your own “wars” to describe you finding a future girl you can dump once the show ends? I wonder how soldiers who fought in “Operation Iraqi Freedom” feel about “Operation Soul Mate”? I’m curious to see if they feel it’s just as difficult for you as it was for them? We’ve hit an all time low. “Operation Soul Mate”? I will now stick a spoon down my throat and scoop out the bile.

-Nicole states that “Andy is the total Bachelor. This is the guy you dream about.” He is? What exactly occurs in these dreams? Does he attack you with his fake wooden teeth? Does he take you to his class where he learned to be a ventriloquist? Outside of being able to move mountains, and swim across the Atlantic Ocean, and being Jack La Lane’s illegitimate son, I don’t think Andy has much else to offer. And the way he speaks bugs the piss out of me. Would it be ok if his mouth moved when he spoke? Am I asking too much here? And while you’re at it Andy, the lint in my pocket called, it wants its personality back.

-Andy: “I like a girl who likes to get down and dirty and isn’t afraid to break a nail.” Well, you’ve gotta a couple in this bunch that certainly won’t mind that Captain Charisma. A couple could probably kick your ass. And mine. At the same time. With one hand tied behind their back. There are definitely a couple rough ones in this group. However, after getting an hour and a half worth of camera time to really study our remaining fifteen, there are definitely some cute ones that I missed in the first episode. And then there’s Double T – Tina and Tessa. Ummmmm….uhhh, not so much. I’m sure they have great personalities. I just…well…they bug. A lot. And maybe that’s detracting from their physical appearance. Hey, it’s possible. These are my rules, I made them up, so let me be.

-So the girls go to that one bar on Sunset Strip that has the mechanical bull. Didn’t one of the other Bachelors take his tramps here? I know they’ve done this before, I just can’t remember which douche bag it was. Whatever. They’re all the same. Still single and used the show to promote their career. Andy seemed really turned on by watching the girls ride a bull. Especially when it just vibrated and you could see whose chest bounced around the most. Or maybe that was just me. Whatever the case, Andy did admit to enjoying himself. Of course he did. He’s a guy and he’s watching seven different women, all vying for his attention, straddling a bull while it vibrates beneath them. Glad that you like to objectify women like that Andy. Such a pig. Really disgusts me. I’d never do such a thing.

-Stephanie from Kansas, our blondie that likes to do back handsprings in her prom dress, well, how else can I put this without sounding too…..ahhhh, screw it…she’d be a riot on top. She was the only one who lasted the whole time on the bull without falling off….and she did it one handed! Which means that she’d be able to take her other hand and…..forget it. Good job Stephanie. I’m sure I wasn’t the only man with impure thoughts last night. Andy sure was: “I’m thinking I want to spend my extra alone time with Stephanie.” There you go again, you male whore. You think Stephanie wants to hear you talk about her in that way? You know for nine seasons, it’s really been about finding true love, and guys who weren’t looking for a piece of ass, and women that weren’t into promoting their modeling careers. Now look what our precious show has turned into. Hot blondes riding bulls one handed and getting me all sweaty. Keep it comin!

-So after getting the ladies insides all mushy, Andy takes them up to a hotel room full of dresses for the evening. Tiffany can’t believe it. “I’ve never had a date take me to a room full of dresses before.” Of course you haven’t Tiffany because you’ve never been on the “Bachelor” before. Unless I missed you from some previous season. Has anyone who’s not been on this show ever gone to a room full of dresses to choose from? My guess is unless you played Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”, then the answer would be “no”. Or did he just buy her that one red dress to put on? I don’t remember. I’ve chosen to forget everything about Julia Roberts the minute she married Lyle Lovett then named her newest babies something out of a fairy tale. Phinnaeus and Hazel? Can’t wait til’ Phinneaus is all over the news for getting a Grade A ass kicking from his classmates when he’s in about the third grade. Sucks for you, Phinn. Take it out on mommy. I think kids should have the right to sue their parents for crappy names.

-Andy’s telling us about his ideal woman yet again: “I really dig a woman who can really be a tomboy and get down and dirty, but then, can put on a dress and…..” I stopped listening at this point. In twenty minutes, he’s already told us twice he likes women who can get down and dirty. Are they showing us this for a reason? Why would they do that twice in twenty minutes? He likes dirty chicks, we get it. No dirty chick has ever gotten the final rose at the end. Never. Why would it start now? Do I really need to see some butch chick on the cover of my US Weekly in a few months? I sure hope not. I think Andy’s confused about what he wants. I think Andy’s confused about a lot of things actually. Including how he’s gonna play off a marriage proposal at the end of the show when he’s obviously gay. I didn’t say that.

-So they’re all on a rooftop in their dresses talking to Andy, and he begins his alone time with the girls. Nicole is up first. She has a bad case of smokers voice. “I can’t get over his teeth, and smile, and suit.” Nicole, it might not be such a bad thing if you cut down to two packs a day. You shouldn’t have completely tarred lungs before you hit the age of 30. Andy is a health nut. He’s not gonna like that. And I found it hilarious that Andy and Nicole’s alone time happened about 10 feet away from the rest of the girls. Wow. What privacy. I’m sure Nicole felt special. Why not just sit her on your lap and do your ventriloquist routine with her as your puppet? I’m sure that would’ve been good for a laugh or none.

-It’s time for Alexis to out herself while Andy and Nicole are 17 inches away from the rest of the pack. Alexis: “So does everyone here kiss on the first date?” Alexis’ says she won’t. Why you ask? Wellllllllll, because she “was home schooled until she got to high school, she has strong moral values, she’s old fashioned, and she’s true to her conservative background.” Virgin Alert! Virgin Alert! Home schooled? People still do that? So needless to say, Alexis is kind of lacking in the social skills department. She doesn’t have any. She didn’t interact with people apparently until after she started her menstrual cycle. Good times, Alexis. I’m sure that’s never played a role in your being single. Look, I’m sure she’s a great gal, and I’m sure her family loves her, and she’s a strong independent woman, and……why did we cast her on this show again? The minute producers saw her application and in the section that said “Education” and she checked “in my living room”, it should’ve been thrown in the trash. Home schooled til’ high school AND a virgin? That’s the biggest double whammy this show has ever seen. We can deal with Sadie the Virgin. Not Alexis the conservative, home schooled virgin with the strong moral values.

-Time for the girls take off those dresses and get into their bikini’s – it’s hot tub time! Although Andy is a bit confused. Shocker. Andy: “The girls looked amazing in their dresses, but I don’t know what’s better – dresses or bikini’s?” Let me help you out here pal. And this coming from a heterosexual man, maybe you won’t understand, but it’s bikini’s. Hey, nothing wrong with a really pretty dress that really makes a woman stand out, but ummmm, well, a bikini means she’s closer to being naked. And nakedness leads to other things which I choose not to discuss in this manner because it’s inappropriate, classless, and their may be youngsters reading this. Just know it’s a good thing. Yay nakedness. Don’t worry, Andy. Someday. And he’ll be the most attractive man you’ve ever seen.

-Bevin finally gets her alone time with Andy and her takes her into the big kids pool where she wraps her legs around him, they kiss underwater, and we get to see her Chinese tattoo she has on the back of her right shoulder. I could care less what they did in the pool. It was all a front. I’m having a major problem with Bevin right now. I cannot decide if I think she’s attractive or not. Literally it bothered me all show that I could watch her for an hour and a half and still be undecided. Usually I know within twelve seconds whether or not I find someone attractive. Bevin? I’m clueless. On one hand, she kinda has facial features of Jen Schefft, yet on the other hand, she kinda looks like a dude. Androgenous Bevin is what I’ll call her. And I’ll let you know when I’ve come to my final decision on her attractiveness. I have a feeling it won’t be anytime soon.

-For god knows what reason, Andy chose Tiffany for his extra alone time. His reasoning? “Tiffany was one of the shier women in the group. So I wanted to give her the chance to shine.” And what a waste of time that turned out to be. Did someone notify Tiffany she was being videotaped? Was she aware she was participating in a show called the “Bachelor”? I’ve had better conversations with my pillow than those two had together. And trust me, my pillow and I have gotten into some very deep stuff. In fact, I’m sure we’ll be having yet another one tonight. What will it revolve around? Of course. Women. They never cease to amaze. Anyway Tiffany, feel free to act like you like boys. It might help your chances if you ever decide to do another dating show in the future.

-Date Box #2 has Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton being given workout clothes. Because Andy likes to work out, in case you didn’t know. You didn’t? Well, he’s gonna tell us. Again. “Athletics are a big part of my life. I’m also a 6 time Ironman Triathlon finisher.” Really? We hadn’t heard. Good that you let us in on that or else we’d think you kept your body all nice and tight for some guy or something. Susan tells us right away that she’s not into the whole exercising/working out thing. All she does is jog with her dog three times a week. That’s her exercise for the year. If this wasn’t a sign she was doomed, I didn’t know what is. Well, either this, or that her and Erin were lesbians. One of the two.

-So Andy tells the ladies they will compete in a mini-triathlon for his affection. And when he says “mini”, he means “Like any of you peasants could possibly compete at the level that I do on a daily basis, so I’m gonna make you compete in an obstacle course designed for 4th graders”. The mini triathlon consisted of 4 laps in a pool about 10 yards long, riding on the stationary bike, then run 5 laps around the outer edge of the pool. It was quite an interesting dynamic. All the girls were into it except Erin and Susan who didn’t want to get their hair wet, so they walked the 4 laps in the pool. And then promptly pleasured each other poolside. I’m kidding. I think. Wouldn’t be surprised. If there ever was an uncut DVD version of this season, I bet we’d see these two going at it like dogs in heat.

-Danielle was the first girl off the bike to start her laps, but Amber was 2nd and caught her, passed her, and ended up winning. She must be beat. I mean, all that swimming, biking, and running. Just the woman Andy was looking for. And apparently Andy’s exactly what she’s looking for. Amber: “Andy is like a little kid living inside this 30 year old muscular body.” Is she hanging out with the same Andy we’re seeing? Or is she just being paid to say nice things about him? Maybe I missed the “little kid” side of Andy that Amber sees. I wonder if that “little kid” is still playing grab ass on the playground with all his other little male friends. And then touching each others wieners in the bathroom. This is getting disturbing. Andy needs to come clean right now before this show, and this column, gets completely out of hand. Just admit it, pal. You like 25 women, but you prefer 25 men in uniform.

-So Stephanie from South Carolina will obviously be this season’s whipping girl that all the other ones talk about. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because they went to commercial earlier with Chris saying, “Everyone hates Stephanie from South Carolina….except Andy.” Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s the outspoken, obnoxious chick with the fake rack and moles that you can play connect-the-dots with? Don’t believe me? Stephanie: “I got the first impression rose, I got the first date, and when I get back from my date, I’m gonna run in the house with my rose.” Very subtle, Steph. I’m glad you’re being so humble about the whole experience and aren’t looking to win this thing at all. Her and Alexis are currently battling for top spot in “Reality Steve’s Largest Gums” competition. And since Stephanie’s gonna be around just a little bit longer, I guess Stephanie wins. Congrats, Gummy. You’re the first ever recipient.

-So after trying on a dress that would make a prostitute jealous, she decides on a longer, more formal one which accentuates the ten grand she spent on her rack. She meets Andy aboard his yacht and they immediately head to the bow where champagne awaits. So since “Titanic” came out, any televised date that involves a boat or yacht must also include the both dating parties to re-enact the “King of the World” scene. This must be in some contract or something since everyone does it. So these two do it and Stephanie sticks out her chest for all of America to see. Andy is Jack, and Stephanie is Rose. And I just jammed a wine bottle opener into my temple. Now, I know how much women love that movie, but ladies, you ask any guy out there if they enjoyed it, and he’s lying to you if he says “yes”. That movie was strictly made for your gender and your gender only. We wouldn’t sit through that if we knew sex, an apple pie, and the morning paper would be waiting for us afterwards. And if you ask me, Jack wussed out on Rose. He told her he’d never leave her, then instead of kicking someone already dead off a piece of wood to have for himself, he sits there and freezes himself. What a hero. I still can’t believe the troubled kid from “Growing Pains” ended up becoming the hottest male actor on the planet. I wonder if Kirk and his perm are jealous. Of course he’s not. He’s off thumping his Bible with wifey and their nine kids.

-Stephanie and Andy are already discussing wedding plans. Stephanie: “What’s your ideal wedding?” Andy: “It’d be a Hawaiian wedding. What about yours?” Stephanie: “I want a small wedding.” Andy: “All right, we’re having a small wedding.” Look, I know he said it in jest, and it’s not quite the same as Byron toasting Tanya’s family “To Christmas in Texas”, but still. If Stephanie wasn’t gonna be around for a while, there’s no way in hell he’d even joke about something like that. So to all the other ladies in the house, you might have to deal with Stephanie and her moles for a few more weeks. And her fake rack. They ain’t goin’ anywhere anytime soon. “Andy and Gummy sittin in a tree…”

-Gummy is at it again. “I got the first impression rose, I got the first date, and I got the first kiss.” Oh yeah, they kissed in the hot tub when her flotation devices were in their peak form. And although Andy has .00001% body fat on him, his chest is all jacked up. But enough about Andy’s chest, because Stephanie is freaking out about how well her date went. She practically climaxes when getting back into the limo and screams “He’s so awesoooooooooome! I can’t wait to see him again.” So you can slut yourself out even more? I don’t think it’s possible. Stephanie really seems to like her chances at this point. And who can blame her? She’s the only girl he’s kissed, Andy can do a full workout just playing with her cans, and she’ll give it up at the drop of a hat. What gay man wouldn’t love to be all over that?

-Time for the girls to make their final impression on Andy before Rose Ceremony time. Only three are getting eliminated tonight? Fifteen down to twelve? Man, not only are these episodes a half hour longer, judging by this pace, we’ll be seeing Andy propose right around the time summer rolls around. This is not good. Someone get on the horn to ABC and tell them to cut this out. I’m not happy about where this is headed. They have NEVER gone from fifteen girls down to just twelve in episode two. Maybe it’ll be like “Survivor” and they’ll go with the final three, instead of two. Ok, maybe not. But I can hope.

-At the cocktail party, Gummy knows she’s safe, so she’s gonna have a little fun at Alexis’ virgin expense. Gummy knows Alexis is a virgin, and is trying to get her to admit it. Gummy: “Ive been dumped for a virgin before….Who here is a virgin?” What a b***h. If Alexis weren’t home schooled and could figure out what you were onto, I’d say she had every right to slap you across the face. Stephanie: “Alexis has the upper hand right now, she’s a virgin. What guy wouldn’t want that?” Well, apparently Andy. He likes em’ down and dirty remember? You should. He’s told us that three times tonight. Alexis doesn’t tell Andy she’s a virgin, but does tell him she was engaged before, but didn’t get married because “divorce isn’t an option”. Andy agreed. The institution of two men united as one should never be torn apart if he has any say about it.

-Erin and Susan both made their last ditch effort to save their relationship….until Andy came by and sat between them. If these two aren’t an item right now, something is seriously wrong. No two women in this show’s history have become as touchy feely as these two have. And frankly, I’m all for it. Quit getting in their way, Andy. They’re not here for you. They’ve found each other and it’s a beautiful sight to watch develop. In fact, there is a lot of money to be made in a possible movie for these two. So unless you’re willing to play the role of the pizza delivery guy, back off. They’ve got a career ahead of them. Cue the music! “Bow-chicka-bow-bow”….

-Andy goes philosophical on us: “Everything would be perfect about this night if I didn’t have to send three women home. I’m a healer and a doctor, and the thought of instilling some pain in people doesn’t go well with my heart and mind.” Touching Andy, touching. That really gets right to the core of who you are as a person, a healer, and a doct…..wait, this guy’s a doctor! Holy crap! Why haven’t they mentioned this yet? We’re two episodes in and you’d think we’d know this by now, wouldn’t you? Amazing. And a healer? So he can just heal people no matter what their problem is? The fact that he calls himself a healer really bothers the hell out of me. Sounds quite self absorbing if you ask me. But who am I to judge? I had 19’9” inscribed on the back of my letterman’s jacket in high school.

-Tessa got some alone time with Andy so she could tell him the one about why did the chicken cross the road. Actually, she cornered him so they could each give each other foot rubs. Believe it or not, Andy was excited. “Tessa showed me something she hadn’t showed me yet – some affection”. Translation: I was hoping she’d show me her boobs. This foot thing is kinda creepy. Then Danielle is up next and says her right ear still had water in it from swimming that day, so Andy gave her a wet willie – with his tongue. Awwwww….how romantic. Danielle is on the radar now as someone to watch out for. She’s good looking, athletic, and has the whole “I had someone in my family who died recently too so maybe that means we should do it” thing going on about her. That could work to her advantage.

-Androgenous Bevin makes her last pitch by saying she’s been on her own since she was 15, is 28 now, and is looking for the same thing that Andy is looking for: a man to fall in love with. Over an hour into the episode and I’m still on the fence with Bevin. Part of me wants to jump on top of her, and part of me just wants to throw a football around the yard with her. When am I going to get an answer on this? I’ve never struggled with something like this my whole life. And the name Bevin certainly isn’t helping. For pete’s sake, if her name was Cinnamon it’d be a no-brainer. I’m having a real hard time closing my eyes and being intimate with something named Bevin.

-Back to Tessa for a moment because she’s becoming overwhelmed with the show. She leaves the party and heads upstairs to cry. Why? Well, because according to her, “I got sick of seeing fourteen girls dating the same guy….it would almost be better if maybe I didn’t get a rose.” Yeah, it would. Then we wouldn’t have to listen to this nonsense anymore. You joined the “Bachelor” thinking what? On the first night he’d tell the other 24 to pack their bags because he found the one he wanted, and that one was you? Tessa, the girl with the bad jokes and small toes. Not quite honey. ABC needs to milk eight episodes out of this abortion. Nothing in life is that easy. So go crack open your joke book for 2nd graders and see if you can impress again.

-Rose Ceremony time, but not before Andy tells the losing ladies tonight what they’re future holds for them. “Thank for these last few days….taking a risk with me….don’t take it personal if I send you home…I believe in trule love…and that person is out there for you.” Geez. Being a little presumptuous aren’t we, Andy? Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself, ok Lieutenant? Thank you. Now give out your stupid roses.

-Eleven are given away since Stephanie the moley chick with the giant rack has already gotten her rose.

Tessa: What?!! Why?!!! Because she rubbed your feet?

Danielle: Nothing says “I’m into you” more than a wet willie.

Androgenous Bevin: She has the breasts that you’d see on a female body builder. Or maybe it was just the dress. Man, I’m struggling with this one.

Amber: That was a given. She won the Triathlon. Kinda mousy looking.

Stephanie: The “other” Stephanie. The one who does back handsprings and looks better that Ms. Mole.

Kate: When he announced her name, she said, “Shutup!” Some confidence she had. I’m guessing she’s not around too much longer.

Nicole: My guess to be the one in the ambulance next week. Either her or Tessa.

Tina: Can’t explain this pick. Meeting his Asian quota? I don’t know.

Peyton: Another cute girl who’s a professional sorority recruiter. Don’t know if that’ll be up to Andy’s standards. Probably not.

Amanda: Huh?

At this point, Erin turns to her lover Susan and says, “I think we’re both going home”, as Host Chris steps in for his final line of the night. “Ladies, Andy, after dissecting the Pythagorean Theorem backstage, I’ve come to the conclusion that 11 minus 10 equals 1. This is the last rose of the night.”

Erin: Her and Susan make out and fondle each other one last time before Erin moves on and Susan goes home. It was a very sad, touching, and erotic moment.

-So Tiffany the Bore, Alex the home schooled, old fashioned, strong moral valued virgin, and Susan the lesbian were sent home. And for the first time in I can’t remember how many years, they didn’t show one of them crying hysterically. I’m sure that really boosted Andy’s ego. These women don’t even care they’re being sent home. Well, Susan started tearing up a bit, but we all know what that was for. She wouldn’t get to pleasure Erin tonight.

-Next week they show Peyton and Tessa on a 2-on-1 date, meaning one of them will get a rose, and the other goes home. Oops. I guess that would eliminate Tessa from possibly being in that ambulance next week. If he picks Tessa over Peyton, something is wrong. Severley wrong. That one is a no-brainer.

-To update those who are visiting the MySpage page at: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. I did some re-arranging yesterday, I’ve since put up a video of my niece taken at Christmas time. Funny stuff, if you like seeing 2 1/2 year olds take a header on the slide. I also played musical chairs with my top friends list. Not because I felt some people were more important than others, not because I felt some people were less important than others – but because I could. So whatever you do, don’t take offense if you were up there before and now aren’t, or vice versa. I could care less where people are on my friends list, but since I hadn’t changed it in about 4 months, I was bored and had fun playing with my mouse. No, that wasn’t a sexual reference, believe it or not. I’m looking to possibly start up Dr. Reality Steve again, I’ve just stopped receiving emails about that, hence the reason there hasn’t been a column in a while. So any questions, comments, queries, advice, dilemmas, or horrible ex stories you may have, email them to me at: steve@realitysteve.com, and yours could appear in the next edition of Dr. Reality Steve.

-Reality Roundup you ask? Uhhh, sure. It’ll be here sometime this week. I have half of it written. I just need to sit down and write the other half. But I’m not going to give a day on when it’ll be up since I have trouble keeping my word when it comes to things like that. Pardon me. Until next week….

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Toney Bender

    November 12, 2008 at 8:31 PM

    vavjbrnkytp9n756

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