The Bachelor 10 - Andy

The Bachelor Recap – 4/16/07

-So, either I’m not the greatest advice giver in the world, no one cares to hear about my relationship advice, or, my advice sucks and no one wants to hear me give it again considering I’ve received exactly one “Dr. Reality Steve” letter in the last week. C’mon. I know you people have problems out there. Heck, last time I was receiving emails from 50 year old women going through menopause. Certainly there are some of you out there facing a relationship dilemma, or have a spouse cheating on you, or are dating three men at one time and don’t know what to do, or, maybe you just need someone to talk to. That’s me. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what they pay me the big bucks to do. Ok, maybe not that, but you get my point. I’m here to educate, advice, and entertain. Always remember that. So start sending those emails in to steve@realitysteve.com. It’ll be well worth your time. I think. Onto the show…

-Ok, the minute we saw in last weeks previews there would be a drill sergeant brought on this week, the cheese factor went off the charts. Ok, we get it. Andy’s in the marines, now the girls are in “boot camp”. Hee hee…har har…hilarious. That whole bit couldn’t have been any lamer if they tried. And just because there was a rose on the line for the girl who tried the hardest, that didn’t make it any better. Seriously. Was anyone even remotely amused by that whole segment? I certainly wasn’t. Frankly, it was annoying. And whatever phony out-of-work actor they hired to play that drill sergeant, he certainly shouldn’t have been paid whatever the SAG scale is. Horrible. Just because you’re bald, have tattoos and can scream, doesn’t mean you played a good drill sergeant.

-And how did I know that the “I don’t know but I’ve been told….” chant was going to be done? Yet again, very lame. I mean, did I really hear these women have to chant, “I don’t know but I’ve been told….I am gonna get that rose”? That didn’t happen, did it? God help me. You know what? I’ve got a better one. How’s this? Repeat after me. “I don’t know but I’ve been told….(repeat)…this is getting f***ing old…(repeat)…” Over and out. So fake drill sergeant immediately starts laying into the girls. Tells them to make their beds, not put on make up, get their athletic gear, and come downstairs. And Bevin is Ms. Serious during all this because she wants that rose bad. “I will do whatever he says.” Oh, I bet you will sweet cakes. Something tells me Bevin could kick all these girls asses in boot camp.

-As expected, all the girls are struggling mightily through boot camp. Some can’t even run in place, some don’t like to get dirty, and Erin gets yelled at for being on her knees during pushups. Now I could totally make a joke here about how Erin can’t help but be on her knees since that’s what she’s best at, but I’m not gonna do that. I’m above childish, sophomoric, bathroom humor. I don’t know anything about Erin. She could be a fine upstanding young citizen and be the moral fiber of this show. What good would it do for me to reference the fact that she likes being on her knees? I don’t know that, so it’d be pure speculation on my part to even suggest something of the such. She probably likes it when Susan is on top anyway.

-None of these girls are the least bit impressive through the mini obstacle course they are given, except Bevin. Well, that is until she ‘tards out and rolls her ankle while running through tires….and gets a rose for it! Huh? She gets rewarded for being a complete spaz? Since when? The most athletic girl left by far, and she can’t get through the tire run? I remember in 4th grade that was always part of our obstacle course in P.E. and not once did I remember any of my barely literate classmates practically maiming themselves on that thing. In fact, that was the easiest part. Yet the world class Androgynous one has to be taken to the hospital for it? And gets a pity rose out of it? Seems backwards to me. But then again, we are dealing with Andy here. Judging by the choices he made at the rose ceremony, he’s definitely a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

-Host Chris comes in to give the ladies an update on Bevin and tell them how the dates are going to work this week. First off, Bevin is fine, her ankle isn’t broken, and she’ll be back. Whew! That takes a load off. For a moment there I thought we were looking at full leg amputation the way Andy came running from the bushes to save the day. But alas, it’s a little swollen, Andy threw out some big medical term which meant “sprained ankle”, and the rest of us can now breathe a sigh of relief. Bevin will have full use of all her limbs for the remainder of her time on the show. Which will definitely come in handy on the overnight dates. Always keep your ankles elevated. Remember that Bevin. Not only will you feel all tingly inside, but it’ll get you another rose, and heck, maybe your ankle will feel better in the morning.

-First group date today will be featuring both Stephanies, Nicole, Amber, and Tina. Now we need to distinguish between the two Stephanies. One is the cute, blonde, reserved one that hasn’t been given much camera time so far. The other one is the slutty moley chick with whacked out eyebrows and large gums. Whatever the case, these ladies are headed to a day at the spa with Andy. Why? Andy: “I like women that can get down and dirty”. Again? He’s gonna use this line for the 4th time in 2 weeks on us? Look, I know we’re supposed to believe this guy isn’t gay and isn’t being force fed all these lines he’s spewing out, but, can he at least come up with something original? The phrase “down and dirty” sounds so wrong coming from someone as prim and proper as this douche bag. Eck. Makes my skin crawl.

-So the “down and dirty” metaphor was obviously used in this instance because he and the girls went to take one of those mud baths that cleanses your skin. Look, I’m no dermatologist, and I’ve never been in one of those pools of mud, but does that really do the trick? My exfoliate seems to work just fine every morning. Just another way for the spa to rip you off. One thing the mud certainly does is piss off Tina. “I don’t want other girls putting their hands all over the man I’m supposed to be marrying.” Oh, so then why are we even watching the rest of the show? Tina’s already won apparently. He fell for the whole fortune cookie trick in episode one hook, line, and sinker. What a great journey you two have had so far. You know what else I love about Andy and Tina’s courtship? The fact that he spends all his time playing with Slutty Stephanie’s fake boobs in the mud.

-You needed a crow bar to separate these two horndogs during their mudslinging session. All the women are trying to rub mud all over Andy, which was a subtle way to say, “Hey, it’s ok to pay attention to me even though my boobs are real.” Andy wanted none of it. It was like Gummy Stephanie’s fake rack was a magnet and Andy was a piece of metal. He pretty much stopped short of feeling her up in the pool. Granted, she has about 10 inches separating both of her breasts, so he was able to manage to cover mud in all the right places of her body. I don’t even think he looked at anyone else in that pool. Unless you count each of Moley Stephanie’s breasts as an individual person, then he played with three people in the pool.

-Back at the house, Bevin has returned on crutches, an air cast, and a swollen, purple ankle. I still can’t believe she was rewarded for rolling her ankle on a tire run. The girls ask her what her and Andy talked about in the hospital and she said, “Not much. But he did buy me this watch. Wanna see?” No, ABC bought you the watch, Andy just handed it to you. I bet Bevin is pretty stoked that since she completely failed at a 3rd grade gym class obstacle course, not only has she received a rose and gets to stay longer, but she also got a watch out of it. Man, this game is easy. How about next week Bevin, you just throw up all over Andy at dinner? I’m sure that’ll get you an overnight date and a trip to meet his folks. Andy is about as square as they come for this show. And don’t worry, it gets worse.

-Back inside, Andy’s having a tough time determining who’s going to get the “extra special quality, one-on-one, secret, private, confidential, exclusive, reserved, non-public, alone time”. Or whatever it is they’re calling it this season. The Slutty One is positive she’s got the inside track because, well, she’s a slut. And none of the other girls are talking to Andy. So, icebreaker time! Someone asks, “What’s been your longest relationship?” Andy says 2 ½ years. It was a tough breakup. He didn’t love him anymore and that type of union isn’t allowed in the state of California. Tina: “Mine was 1 ½ years”. Was he comatose? The Whore: “I had a 4 year relationship. And a 3 year one.” So in those 7 years, I’m expected to believe she slept with two guys? She can probably accomplish that in 7 hours. I’m willing to bet that Stephanie has slept with 50 more guys than the other four girls in that room combined have. I guess I’ll never get any proof of this, but it sure is fun to speculate. C’mon. Just look at her. And listen to her. Judge a book by its cover. I certainly have.

-Much to her disappointment, the Moley Slut doesn’t get the extra time with Andy. That goes to the other Stephanie, from Kansas. The nice, quiet, reserved, cute little blonde one. Or as I like to call her, “Missionary Stephanie.” You know, because I’m sure she does a lot of missionary work. They go off to their own little private outdoors where there’s a table waiting for them and some towels. This is where Missionary Stephanie goes to work. She gives Andy great head…….massages. And of course, Andy being the selfish individual he is, doesn’t return the favor. She has to do all the work. Man, how rude. And if I’m not mistaken, the towels came in handy when Missionary Stephanie had ended. He still had some on him. Mud, of course.

-Date box #2 arrives and Kate, Danielle, Erin, and Amanda will be headed out to the race track, while Peyton and Tessa get the 2-on-1 date. And on that date, one of them will receive a rose, and one will go home. But before we get to three segments of Tessa vs. Peyton, lets first go to our race car driving group date. Andy: “Driving cars is fast and dangerous….but it’s fun. I think women that race cars are so sexy.” Really, would it be too much to ask that whoever is writing up these cue cards get some better penmanship? Andy’s having an awful hard time reading these. So apparently Andy is attracted to Danica Patrick. Women who race cars are sexy? Look, I don’t claim to know every woman currently residing in the United States, but I’m guessing 99.9% of women in America don’t race cars. What kind of statement is that? Hey Andy, guess what? You know what I find sexy? Women who have worm farms and eat chocolate pudding while standing on their head. Exactly. It’s not supposed to make sense.

-So before they get in the cars, each girl gets to talk with Andy and I guess tell them what they like about him or something. Erin is up first. She dressed appropriately for the track in her tight top and big loopy earrings. You know what I think when I see big loopy earrings? And maybe this is just me, I cant quite be certain, but the overall vibe Im getting when I see a woman in big loopy earrings is “I’d like to have sex with you.” But maybe that’s just me. Anyway, Erin doesn’t not want to be stereotyped at all. She thinks Andy has a misconception about her that she’s all about being prissy, when in actuality, she tells us the only thing she’d like better than driving fast cars, was if they had a date at the shooting range. I guess she’s showing him her “down and dirty” side. And this immediately gets Andy excited as only Andy can. It’s like he just had his first sexual experience. Except this time it’s with a woman.

-Andy: “Erin may have bleached blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she knows how to do manly things – like shoot guns.” Andy is like a pig in slop now. So excited that Erin wants to play with his gun. So excited that Erin has shown a different side of herself. So excited that Erin seemingly has taken her mind off Susan for 5 minutes and paid attention to him. Actually, I don’t think Erin looks like a Barbie doll at all. How horrible of Andy to characterize her like that. Maybe one of Hef’s three girlfriends, but not a Barbie Doll. I take that back. Erin doesn’t look like them. Well, at least not that hardcore lesbian one who likes black guys. Which one is that? Oh yeah, Kendra. Nice My Space page. If that woman hasn’t slept with the whole NFL, then the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. Yeah, she lets Hef touch her. Sure she does.

-Danielle pulls Andy aside to talk more about her dead ex-boyfriend. Now, maybe I misheard her on the previous two shows, but, did she or did she not say last night that this ex-boyfriend of hers died in bed right next to her. She woke up one morning, rolled over, and he was there dead? Whoa. That is intense. I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody. And by no means whatsoever am I trying to make light of this situation in the least bit, but, wow. She must be an animal in bed. Look, I like Danielle, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she’s the one he proposes to, but she’s gotta back away from the “fate” card with her and Andy. I know they each had someone close to them die in their past, but, I’m sorry, this show is about as far from “fate” as possible. You know what fate is? Living in Nashville, Tennessee one block away from Travis Stork, never having met him, flying all the way to Paris to be on a TV show where he’s the Bachelor, and he chooses you. That’s fate. And they lasted a whole three months. Being placed on a show where 25 women are handpicked for you to choose from is not fate. Call me crazy.

-So all the girls race around a track of cones and then Andy will decide who gets the “extra special quality, one-on-one, secret, private, confidential, exclusive, reserved, non-public, alone time”. Now, keep in mind, earlier Andy had given a rose to someone who couldn’t make it through leg 1 of a 3rd grade obstacle course. So who gets the extra time with him? Erin. Who couldn’t drive a stick shift, yet somehow was only 4 seconds behind the girl with the best time. Nice editing. Four girls raced, and they finished the course in 53 seconds, 54 seconds, 54 seconds, and 57 seconds respectively. Huh? How? Sure Erin finished in 57 seconds, if you started the stopwatch 5 minutes late. But she gets the extra time because she tried hard? Maybe one of the other three should’ve faked not knowing how to drive a stick too. I could easily make a “You mean Erin’s never handled a stick before” joke, but really, that’s so beneath me. I’m not that type of guy. And Erin likes the warm caress of a woman anyway.

-So Andy taken Erin for a little drive so they can do a little talking, about Susan I presume, and maybe he can break down that wall she seems to be putting up. Andy: “I really like you, and I just wanna make sure you like me.” I don’t remember what Erin said in return, but it wasn’t convincing. She had a hard time opening up to Andy, and he was really struggling with it. “I wanna get to that inner side of you.” Whoa, Andy. Slow down there, Mr. Eager. That’ll take a few shots of Jaeger, maybe a bottle of wine, and a little more sweet talkin’ before Erin lets you do those things to her. Erin says she just doesn’t like being competitive with the other women. It’s just not in her personality to immediately open up to a guy she just met, especially when she knows he’s dating other women. Even though that’s what you’re supposed to do on this show if you want any chance of lasting until the final four. No one explained this to Erin. Whatever. Like she had any interest in the gay doctor after meeting Susan. I really hope both of those two are at the “Women Tell All” episode. And sitting on each others lap. Theyre gonna last longer than Andy and whoever he chooses. Me like Erin.

-Time for Peyton and Tessa’s 2-on-1 date. Its down in San Diego aboard the USS Midway. Andy is waiting for them in his “Top Gun” sunglasses as they arrive on the ship. He’s looking very “Iceman”-like if you ask me. Maybe he’ll play volleyball shirtless on this date. Kinda funny how every guy wanted to be like Tom Cruise after that movie came out and now we look at him and laugh uncontrollably at what a wacko he’s turned into. Whatever PR firm is running his camp, they should be out of a job by now. From jumping on couches, to shouting down Matt Lauer, to impregnating Joey Potter, to locking her up in the house and never letting her leave – this guy has completely lost it. Homeless people look at him now and mumble, “Damn. That’s boy’s crazy.”

-Andy asks Peyton and Tessa, “Have you ever been on a naval ship before?” Both said “no”. But both did admit to being very much fans of naval seamen. Ok, so I forgot to throw that in last week. That should be a staple of the column from now on. Every week I will no doubt get a naval seamen reference in there. Has to be done. Its only appropriate. You know, because Andy is in the Navy. At sea. So, Andy goes around the ship explaining to the girls what he does and all his big ship terms like “hatch” and “passageway”. Wow. You’re blowing our minds Andy, really. I thought when they passed by the bunk beds both of these girls would ask to take a nap. Andy, I’m glad you serve our country the way you do, you’ve put in a lot of your valuable time, and you are a true inspiration to us all. Just don’t ever give us another tour of your ship. I practically cracked my head on the side of my coffee table after falling asleep.

-Andy once again grills the girls about himself. “Have either of you dated a doctor?” Both said “no”. “How about a guy in the military?” Both said “no”. Andy got fed up at this point. “Well f*** then, how about a gay man?” Ok, he didn’t ask that. But he should’ve. Might’ve gotten some truth out of the girls. So he takes each girl away separately so they can plead their case on why they think the gayest of Bachelors should keep them around another week. Peyton is up first. She’s got the loopy earrings going on as well, but they’re very thin and red. You can barely see them. Not nearly as extravagant as Erin’s at the track. They kinda look like that red licorice you can get at the County fair. I want to eat her earrings now. I’m hungry. And officially delirious.

-Peyton really opened up to Andy and spilled her guts telling him how much she was into him, how she could see the two of them together, and how things just felt right to her. Tessa was a different story. She took a different route and played the “mysterious” card. Didn’t say much until Andy had to practically pry it out of her. But definitely keeping her guard up. Andy: “I’d like to see Tessa let me into her comfort zone.” Oh, is that what they’re calling it nowadays? I prefer “baby maker”. Or “Va-jay-jay”. Whatever the case, Andy and “comfort zones” are unfamiliar with each other, so I don’t even know why he’s begging so bad to be in there.

-So they break to commercial yet again while these three are on the ship meaning three full segments will now be dedicated to the Tessa vs. Peyton fight to death. Seemed like a lot to me, don’t you think? Was that really necessary? A helicopter lands on the ship and its there to take Andy and the woman of his choosing home. He immediately starts tearing up when picking Tessa. He can barely speak. What happened to this guy? He’s a complete mess right now. He picks Tessa, leaves Peyton standing there in the freezing cold while he goes to put Tessa in the helicopter, comes running back to Peyton still crying, and gives her a hug. Geesh. Enough already. I didn’t even know you liked Peyton and now you’re acting like your dog died. It was at this point I was completely convinced that, with all due respect to “Desperate Housewives”: “Andy cries when he ejaculates!”

-Time for cocktail hour before the rose ceremony. Last chance for the ladies to make an impression. Amanda is up first. Andy is trying to get her to open up about herself. “What’s the most romantic date you’ve ever been on?” Amanda: “My most romantic date was our group date, even though it was with other women.” Ummm, probably not the answer he was looking for. Andy says he and Amanda definitely have a physical connection (he’d hit that), but she’s just not giving him anything else of substance. She says she has all these stories about herself, yet when he asks her what they are, she can’t come up with any. That’s ok. We’re running out of time. I’m tired, the show’s almost over, and I don’t think we need a woman to begin telling a story. We’ll be here all month.

-Kate makes an appearance at the cocktail party. Nice for you to join us, Kate. Ummmm, where have you been? Kate: “Do you think I’m just this wild party sorority girl?…I’m actually more of a homebody. I’m pretty chill and relaxed.” Translation: I loved to drink, get baked, and go to the Delta Gamma Anchor Splash. Yes, I attended one of those. Quite interesting. My girlfriend wasn’t a Delta Gamma, just someone I wanted to get with was. And that’s what you do when you want a woman. You suck it up and attend sh** you want no part of. Didn’t work. She liked some frat boy. Hmmph. That’ll show her what she’s missing. Look where I’m at now. Oh God.

-Both Stephanies corner Andy with their final pitches. Andy asks if there’s any similarities between the two besides their name. Of course, Her Sluttiness does all the talking. “Well, I think I’m louder than her.” Ya’ think? Something tells me she wakes up dogs in the neighborhood in bed. “I’m more of the life of the party”. Yes you are, honey. Who wouldn’t be with that repuation? “And all you’d have to do is ask, and I’d do a threesome in a heartbeat.” Ok, she didn’t say that. But I bet she was thinking it. Missionary Stephanie couldn’t compete with anything that Whore Girl had to offer.

-Bevin, despite already having a rose tonight, for some reason felt depressed and had to go outside to grab Andy’s attention. He followed her, gave her a foot rub, then they ended up kissing. Have I made up my mind yet on Bevin? I’m starting to lean one way. Not fully 100% decided yet on whether or not she is someone I could see myself having long relations with or not. Whatever that means. Sounded like a kinder, gentler, more subtle way of saying I haven’t decided if I’d boink her. But I’m getting there. I’m sure she’s waiting in anticipation for my answer.

-Rose Ceremony time. Host Chris tells us that Bevin and Tessa are safe. And Peyton’s already been sent home. Meaning there’s 9 girls left to receive 7 roses. That completely went over every girls head. Might as well told them to re-wire the Pentagon. And geesh they’re going slow this season. Usually from 15 they go down to 10 or 8. They only went to 12, and now only down to 9? Does this show run until the fall? Get a move on, dammit. “America’s Got Talent” is starting soon. And “Laguna Beach 4”.

-Andy: “He we are….I hate this part….If I let you go tonight…it’s not because you’re not wonderful, because you are…..Thank you for your sincerity”. And thank you for the worst pre-rose giveaway speech ever. What a way with words.

Amber: We maybe saw five seconds of her this episode.

Danielle: I think the best looking girl left on the show and probably his future wife. Or ex-girlfriend.

Missionary Stephanie: Slutty Stephanie wasn’t pleased about this.

Tina: An absolute mystery to me. She must have pictures of him with farm animals or something.

Kate: For some perverted reason, he smelled this rose before giving it to Kate. I don’t want to know what that was for.

Nicole: Still smoking two packs a day, still a little looney, and joins Tina in my “Huh?” club.

“Ladies, Andy, this is the final rose tonight before I go slit my wrists knowing we have another season of this sh** still to come. When you’re ready. Please make it fast and painless. My wife and kids miss me. Even though I don’t do anything during filming other than read a couple lines here and there, I miss them. I want to go home. I get lonely and horny hosting this show, and by golly, I’m pissed I don’t get in on any of this action. It really bothers me that…..” I think this is where he stopped talking.

The Ho’ Bag: Put it this way. If she didn’t have implants, I don’t think she’d still be around.

-So Erin and Amanda are both sent packing. Erin didn’t even cry (yet another who didn’t care they got booted), and Amanda teared up a little bit, but was by far, not devastated to be going home. Is Andy looking at the same girls I am? Really? I would’ve picked Peyton over Tessa, and I would’ve swapped out Erin and Amanda for Tina and Nicole. I’m really scratching my head at some of this guy’s choices.

-I’ve done a little breakdown here of the nine remaining women to see who’ll make the final four at least. Well, I think you and I both can assume that neither Tina, Kate, or Nicole make the final four. We just haven’t heard enough about them yet for that to happen. And I really don’t think that Amber gets in for the same reason – we don’t know enough about her. So that leaves five women competing for four spots: The two Stephanies, Danielle, Bevin, and Tessa. And since we’ve never had two women with the same name in the final four (I don’t think, but I could be wrong), I’ll say Missionary Stephanie is out. So our final four is Danielle, Bevin, Tessa, and the Skank. I know the Skank doesn’t win, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t pick Tessa. So by power of deductive reasoning, I’ve got a Danielle/Bevin final, with Danielle winning. I’m pretty confident in this one. We’ll see.

-As for “Reality Roundup”…..uhhh….errrrrr…ummmmm…look, I swear half of it is done. It’s just the other half isn’t. And I’m about 2 months backed up now on shows. I don’t know when it’s going up. But it will at some point. There’s too much good stuff going on TV right now for me not to mention it. From the Sanjaya embarrassment on “Idol”, to Steve Sanders waltzing, to Heidi from the “Hills” getting a boob job – it’s endless. I will get to it sooner or later. Bear with me. And for those looking to add me as a My Space friend, or even pass the column along to your My Space friends, the address is: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week….

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