-I found it interesting going into last nightâ€™s show that on my DVR, the show description for last night read, â€œAndy and four of the remaining bachelorettes visit an LA elementary school, where they get down and dirty for a good cause.â€ So ABC took the time to brainwash Time Warner Cable into printing that horrendous phrase? However, on Tivo, there was no mention of â€œdown and dirtyâ€. Hence the reason I like Tivo more. You suck, Time Warner. And the fact that I canâ€™t pick up an HD signal through a satellite dish because the apartment next to me is blocking my view to the south, well, letâ€™s just say Iâ€™m still pissed about that. Time Warnerâ€™s HD signal is pretty good, but I still think Iâ€™m getting ripped off. I like that Tivoâ€™s system makes beeping and bopping noises when I press the buttons. And the fact that you can only record about 8 HD shows with Time Warner before your box is full really pisses me off too. Would you like to hear my thoughts on my channel lineup too? Didnâ€™t think so. Enough cable company talk, onto last nightâ€™s show.
-What a great start to the show last night. Could there have been a better opening scene than watching Lt. Andy Baldwin doing dips with his shirt off on a boat? Yeah, that just sucked me right in. Especially when the next scene had him wearing his Top Gun sunglasses. They waited a whopping four seconds before they pulled out the cheese factor in this episode. â€œIâ€™m a Lieutenant and I am an Ironman. Me Andy. Big and Strong.â€ I wonder if Andy is aware at all that frankly I donâ€™t give a rats ass how many triathlons heâ€™s been in. And neither should anyone else. The fact that heâ€™s either flaunting it or has been told to flaunt it makes the guy less and less appealing. Moreso than anything the guy has already said or done so far, which is saying a lot. Now go do some chin-ups and put on your naval outfit since we havenâ€™t seen you in that in at least the last 45 seconds.
-All the girls arrive on Andyâ€™s boat for a day in the sun. Someone asks Andy what his pet peeve is. â€œI donâ€™t like smoking. Iâ€™m pretty low maintenance.â€ Yeah, I can tell. With your .0000000001% body fat, your perfectly pressed Lieutenant suit, your Marty McFly DeLorean you roll around in, and your sparkling fake white chompers, youâ€™re totally just the average Joe. Every guy can relate to you. Just laid back, easy goinâ€™ Andy. I so see it. You and I could be boys Andy. We have so much in common. Like, you know, how I watch reality TV and write about it and how you are rescuing orphans from burning buildings. Or like, how I eat Subway three times a week, and your daily intake of protein consists of leaves, berries, and some juice concoction that you have specially made for you. I could totally see myself being BFF with Andy. Weâ€™d laugh, weâ€™d cry, weâ€™d hug it out – this is a friendship made in heaven. But I must warn you Andy, I go to bed late. And if â€œ24â€ is on, you need to shutup. And oh yeah, I like women. So donâ€™t be too offended by that.
-Tessa has a pet peeve. â€œI hate it when someone walks with socks on a rug.â€ Ummmm, ok. Yeah, that really bugs the crap out of me too. What horrible people they are. How can we rid America of them? Iâ€™m with yaâ€™, Tessa. Amber doesnâ€™t like people who clap at the end of movies. â€œHello, they canâ€™t hear you.â€ Good point, Amber. Itâ€™s at this point where Iâ€™m assured why Iâ€™m not a fan of either of these girls. Good Lord. Those are your pet peeves? Is it ok that I use wire hangers, or are you going to beat me silly with those like â€œMommy Dearestâ€? You know what one of my pet peeves is? Annoying chicks on reality TV dating shows who have the most asinine pet peeves. So there. And oh yeah, during all this, Tina tells Andy he has something in his fake porcelain teeth and starts picking at it. This show has officially gone to hell in a hand basket.
-But not before Tessa brings it down even a step further by resorting back to her stand up routine. â€œHey Andy, I got one. This is a real knee slapper. A blonde and a brunette jump from a building, who lands first?â€ Andy: â€œI donâ€™t know Tessa, who? This better be f***ing good or Iâ€™m throwing you overboard.â€ Tessa: â€œThe brunette. Because on the way down, the blonde asked for directions.â€ Look, Iâ€™m sorry. In no way am I out to defend blondes, I honestly have no bias or preference when it comes to someoneâ€™s hair color, but enough with blonde jokes. Seriously, someone has taken the time to write pages and pages of blonde jokes, and frankly, none of them are ever funny. How can they be when you pretty much know whatâ€™s coming at every punch line – the blonde is the dumb one. Thatâ€™s funny? Every time? Since when? Iâ€™ve youâ€™ve heard one blonde joke, youâ€™ve heard them all. Theyâ€™re all just a different variation of the same joke. Now with that said, most blondes are idiots.
-So all their pet peeves suck, Tessa couldnâ€™t get someone to laugh at her jokes if you paid them, and now its Bevinâ€™s turn to join in on the fun. She takes Andy away from Danielle and Missionary Stephanie because she wants to go kayaking. And she wants him to herself. In case you havenâ€™t figured it out, thereâ€™s always that one girl every season whoâ€™s all insecure and freaked out by the fact that the man sheâ€™s in love with is dating other women. Well, this season its Bevin. By about 100 miles. Anyway, before they get in the kayaks, Bevin warns Andy, â€œIâ€™m not afraid of drowning. Youâ€™ll just have to give me mouth to mouth.â€ Yeah, like you werenâ€™t going to force that on him anyway. I think the way Bevin takes advantage of poor little innocent Andy can be considered rape in some states. And if there is one male out there who would ever accuse a woman of raping him, by golly itâ€™d be Andy.
-Missionary Stephanie gets a solo date with Andy because, well, I think they felt they needed to give her some camera time. Certainly it wasnâ€™t because they had any sort of chemistry together. Their date consisted of blending wines, to which Andy reaches into his â€œBag of Analogiesâ€ and comes up with this doozy. â€œBlending the wines was fun. You can take that to the next level and relate it to romance and relationships. It was a blend of a little bit of Andy and a little bit of Stephanie.â€ Let me ask you something. And Iâ€™m being serious here. Is violent vomiting bad for you? I mean, to the point of where your insides feel like someone is shoving a butcher knife through your intestines? Because thatâ€™s about how I felt the second he finished that sentence. You make me puke like Iâ€™ve caught the ebola virus, Andy. Thank you very much. If thatâ€™s Andyâ€™s way of trying to convince us heâ€™s not a douche, but a sophisticated douche, then Iâ€™ve just about had it with him. No longer can he and I be BFF. Iâ€™m sorry. I canâ€™t have that much estrogen in my life.
-Their creepy wine date continues as they taste their wine concoction they came up with. And it gets even creepier. Andy: â€œIt tastes beautiful – like you.â€ Whoa there little whipper snapper. Calm down. As far as weâ€™ve seen, they hadnâ€™t kissed up to this point. And the thought of how else Andy knows how Stephanie tastes is beginning to make my skin crawl. I was shocked Stephanieâ€™s virgin ears didnâ€™t start bleeding at that point. I had to rewind that just to make sure thatâ€™s exactly what he said. And it was. Iâ€™m horrified. That mightâ€™ve been the dirtiest thing ever said on television before 9:00. And wouldnâ€™t you know, Lt. Andy Baldwin was the one who uttered it. Iâ€™m expecting ABC to be given a hefty fine for that crude, disrespectful, and classless line. Go wash your mouth out with soap, young boy.
-So now these two need to make a label for their wine. They begin painting something that I couldnâ€™t make sense of. All it did was give them a way to start painting each other and making designs of a third grader. They each had paint on their hands, and Andy tells Stephanie to put her hand over her heart, and heâ€™ll do the same with his. Awwwwwwwâ€¦how adorable. But wouldnâ€™t it have made sense if she put her hand over his heart, and he put his hand on her breast to grope her? Of course it wouldâ€™ve, hence the reason Andy didnâ€™t do it. He doesnâ€™t know what to do with boobs. Theyâ€™re like a personality to him, or a sense of charm – completely foreign. This was one of the lamest solo dates ever. I half expected these two to end up in the sandbox filling up each others pails by the end of the night.
-Date box arrives at the house and the card says that Danielle, Bevin, Tina, and Amber will be â€œgetting down and dirty for a good cause.â€ Hey, they stole that from Time Warner. Only they could come up with the most overused phrase this season. Bevin is a little upset because this means Tessa gets the final one on one date, and Bevin doesnâ€™t know if sheâ€™s going to have time to tell Andy her big secret – sheâ€™s been divorced. Weeeeelllllllllll, that certainly makes things interesting. You know, because divorced women have such a great track record on this show. Nothing says â€œtrue loveâ€ more than a divorcee running onto a reality TV dating show looking to get married. Canâ€™t wait to hear all the juicy details on this one. Good luck, Bevin. Youâ€™ll need it. You now have a better chance of winning Andyâ€™s heart than Tina does. I think Travis Stork dumped that one chick in Paris maybe a half a second after dropped on him that she was once married. And for Mr. â€œFamily Guyâ€ Baldwin, Iâ€™m guessing thatâ€™ll never fly. Just a hunch.
-Back to Andy and Stephanieâ€™s boring date at the jungle gym. Andy is kind of unsure where Stephanie stands right now. Sheâ€™s not opening up much and he wants to find out more about her. This is a big decision for him to meet these girls parents, so he has to make sure Stephanie is someone worth investing time into. The opportunity is right here for her to go and run with it. And she pretty much trips and falls on her face coming out of the starting blocks. Andy: â€œSo what are your career dreams?â€ Stephanie: â€œI have a lot.â€ Andy: â€œWell, what are they?â€ Stephanie: â€œ(Dead silence) Ummmmâ€¦.errrâ€¦.psssshhhhâ€¦.I donâ€™t know. Thatâ€™s hard.â€ Andy: â€œAny hopes?â€ Stephanie: â€œYeah, tons of hopes. And dreams. And aspirations.â€ Andy: â€œAnd what are those?â€ Stephanie: â€œ(Dead silence) Ummmmmâ€¦.errrâ€¦uhhhhhâ€¦.wowâ€¦ummmmâ€¦.thatâ€™s a toughieâ€¦â€ Thank you for coming, Stephanie. Itâ€™s been a pleasure getting to know you. Really, it has. Even though we donâ€™t know a damn thing about you and neither does Andy.
-Back at the house, Bevin is feeling insecure again. Shocker. She pulls Amber aside and tells her that she finds it hard for her to believe that the man she wants to be with, also has an interest in someone whoâ€™s 23, both Amber and Stephanieâ€™s age. Well honey, you can forget about Stephanie. She just crapped the bed on her date. As for Amber, well, Amber will tell you sheâ€™s the most mature 23 year old woman on the planet. Sheâ€™s been through a lot. Sheâ€™s had to cook for her brothers and sisters since she was 18. Do you realize how difficult that is and how mature that makes you? Neither do I. Bevin is the oldest girl left at 28, so she just cant seem to fathom how Andy could possibly take an interest in someone as young and immature as her. Because maturity, as we all know, is getting married in your teens. Thatâ€™s always a recipe for marital bliss. Iâ€™m no Dr. Laura, but Iâ€™m guessing 99% of all teen marriages end in divorce. Call me crazy.
-The group date is at a middle school in Hollywood and the Andy and the girls are going to build a playground for all the kiddies to play on. This is where we see Andyâ€™s softer side, you know, because up to this point, weâ€™ve seen nothing but him being very manly, and doing manly things, and saying manly phrases, andâ€¦..ok, Iâ€™ll stop. This is just a time for Andy to show all the ladies that he can be as big a girl as they are. Hey, nothing wrong with helping out kids, and being Mr. Humanitarian of the Century, I just thought it felt a little forced. Ok, a lot forced. I mean, what did we expect? To see Andy hating on the kids and throwing things at them? Maybe shout down a couple of them for drinking their apple juice instead of some protein shake? This was the â€œAwwwww-look-at-him-with-the-kids-I-want-to-marry-him-tooâ€ moment of the show. But I looked at it as a perfect time for me to go make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yummy. Iâ€™m sorry, but there isnâ€™t anything that can put a smile on my face quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Except sex. And if you mix them both together, even better. Donâ€™t ask.
-Amber: â€œI love how Andy gives back to the community. Iâ€™d love to show him my class to show him how I give back too.â€ First off, Andy is being told what to do on these dates. Iâ€™m sure he has no real interest in spending a whole day doing manual labor when he can be trying to get in your pants. Lets make that clear. And secondly Amber, well, letâ€™s just say you might be thrilled to be showing Andy to your class, but the parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders sure arenâ€™t. The exploitation of their children on your behalf Amber is appalling. Although, these kids who got to play in the finished playground, I didnâ€™t hear a peep from their families. So why do all the parents in Sugar Land have sticks up their asses? Donâ€™t know. Guess weâ€™ll find out next week when Ambers parents pull a no-show and she takes Andy to her class. Yay, Sugar Land. Be proud.
-Andy: â€œIâ€™m always such a kid at heart.â€ Yeah, yeah, we know. And youâ€™re a Lieutenant. And an Ironman. And a naval seamen. You are truly Godâ€™s gift, Andy. You really are. And you have a way with words. Andy (to Danielle): â€œSo how many kids do you want?â€ Very subtle, Andy. Danielle said two because she thinks all kids should have a sibling. Well, to all you only children out there, feel free to start hating on Danielle. She thinks your parents screwed you by not popping out a brother or sister for you. Hey, she said it, not me. Send all complaints and letters over to ABC. Way to alienate those without a sibling, Danielle. I expect the OCAA (Only Child of America Association) to be protesting outside you and Andyâ€™s wedding.
-Tina: â€œIâ€™m not just here for the ride. Iâ€™m here to see if Iâ€™m the one for Andy Baldwin.â€ Donâ€™t worry. You two have the sexual connection of a toaster and a refrigerator magnet. Yes, I had to actually leave my room for that one. So no worries Tina. You and Andy are not meant to be. Your fortune today reads: â€œOne who is not as pretty as Amber, Bevin, Danielle, or Tessa must suffer the consequences. The tribe has spoken. Tina, its time to go home.â€
-Andy: â€œI didnâ€™t know how Bevin was going to be with the kidsâ€¦I was surprised.â€ That was a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one. Gee, what gave you that impression Andy? Just because Bevin wants all of her time spent with you and doesnâ€™t want to include anyone else? Was that it? I wish MTV had programming back 10 years ago that they do now. Wouldâ€™ve been fun watching Bevin on â€œEngaged and Underageâ€. Great show, isnâ€™t it? I think that show should be a part of every high school sex education curriculum. You wanna slow down the divorce rate in this country, just pop one of those episodes in to show our teenagers of today. Sure, theyâ€™ll continue sleeping around and getting freaky after class, but at least they wonâ€™t think of marrying each other. I think I liked the one episode where the girl was complaining that her fiancÃ© was immature, had no money, liked playing video games, and didnâ€™t pay a lot of attention to her. Oh wait, thatâ€™s every episode.
-And if I may continue on my little soapbox here for a moment, there is no way you can convince me that anyone in their teens thinks they have a clue about marriage and itâ€™s the right thing to do. Sure, youâ€™ve heard stories of your friends parents that got married right out of high school and are still married today. Yeah, exactly. Those are your friends parents, meaning it happened 20 or 30 years ago. Thatâ€™s when sex was only done in the missionary position and internet porn wasnâ€™t around. You check back with me 20 or 30 years from today, and tell me if any kids getting married out of high school in todays day and age are still together. Iâ€™m guessing no. I graduated high school in 1993 and the thought of marriage was so far out of my mind, you couldnâ€™t have paid me to marry someone. Then again, I had no one to marry so I guess itâ€™s a moot point. Teens. Gotta love emâ€™. Yeah, prom was so much fun, letâ€™s get married this summer and start a family. Huh?
-So itâ€™s time for Tessaâ€™s solo date and Andy brings over the goods. No, not sex toys, but jewelry. Now, why he had to bring over $2 million in jewelry and put it on Tessa right in front of the other girls didnâ€™t make much sense to me, but hey, itâ€™s ABCâ€™s show, they can do what they want. But it was really cruel of them to rub it in on the other girls. Ahhhhh, who am I kidding? I loved it. Serves them right that Andy didnâ€™t choose them. Nothing like rubbing their noses in it a little bit. They all took it about as well as they could. Tina is clueless as to what jewelry even is. Stephanie is still trying to figure out if she has any hopes or dreams. Danielle is busy fending off OCAA, Amber has the city of Sugar Land, Texas trying to light her place on fire, and Bevinâ€¦.well, Bevinâ€™s a mess. Seeing her boyfriend put $2 mil in ice on another woman pretty much just made her blood pressure rise to a level thatâ€™s not healthy. I was waiting for her to jump over the table and tackle Tessa, starting a massive chick fight with hair flying everywhere, clothes being ripped off, pillows being swung around, scratching, biting, clawingâ€¦.ummmm, ok maybe not.
-So not only does Tessa get $2 mil in diamonds, but Andy takes her to the Nicole Miller store to try on dresses, all the while â€œUp Where We Belongâ€ plays in the background. You know, they play that song at least once an episode very faintly, and frankly, that song sucks. I hate it. Get rid of it. The movie sucks, the song sucks, thereâ€™s zero correlation between that movie and this show. Just get rid of it. All of it. Stop pretending this show is some re-creation of a bad early 80â€™s love story with a pre-gerbil loving Richard Gere and milfy Debra Winger. That song is now engrained in my head and will be for the rest of the day. And donâ€™t think it wonâ€™t be in yours either, â€œLove lift us up where we belongâ€¦.Where the eagles cryâ€¦.On a mountain highâ€¦.â€ Are those not the perfect lyrics to some cheesy 80â€™s love song or what? And youâ€™re welcome for that song not leaving your head the rest of the day. Hey, if Iâ€™m gonna suffer, youâ€™re going to along with me.
-Tessa knows sheâ€™s not the easiest person to get to know and she realizes she has to start opening up to Andy. â€œIt takes me longer to get comfortableâ€¦trust someoneâ€¦.I like youâ€¦.lets take baby stepsâ€¦.maybe by our third or fourth date Iâ€™ll you feel under my shirt.â€ Although he should be put off by everything she just said, Andy is giddy. â€œMy heart is full when Iâ€™m with you, like, where did you come from?â€ Uhhhhh, what? Sheâ€™s that amazing that youâ€™re contemplating that maybe she was delivered to us from another planet? Are you serious? Whoa. I donâ€™t know what to say to that, Andy. I really donâ€™t. Other than youâ€™re completely crazy and your porcelain veneers are making Elliot Yamin jealous.
-Time for the girls to make one last impression. Andy is very torn about which 4 girls to give roses too. Especially since heâ€™s made out with only 4 of them. Mustve been a real struggle for him to figure out who he was letting go tonight. So each girl presents their case one last time to try and win Andy over and get that ever so special hometown date. You know, the one where we get to see the crazies that spawned these beautiful women. Always one of my favorite episodes of the season. Iâ€™d do anything to see them roll Bevinâ€™s ex-husband in for the episode. But because weâ€™d all get too much enjoyment out of it and itâ€™d make for great television is the reason they wonâ€™t do it. Damn them.
-Andy is concerned about Amber being immature. I mean, she is 23 and all. But does he know she can cook for her siblings? Ah hah! See, bet you didnâ€™t know that did you, Andrew? So Amber hands Andy what looks to be like a condom wrapper that has a message on it. She claims it was from a piece of chocolate she had earlier, but it was square and had the outline of a circle in it. Surely looked like it came from a Magnum Ultra Lubricated 3 pack in the black box with â€œFor the Ultra Smooth Experienceâ€œ label to me. Uhhhhhhâ€¦.anywayâ€¦â€¦the message read â€œSometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.â€ That was her way of telling Andy that she wants a rose. And that she smiles when sheâ€™s with him. And that he better wear protection with her. Or something like that.
-Itâ€™s now Bevinâ€™s turn and Andy likes her dress. Probably because itâ€™s white and see through, but he likes it nonetheless. They did not a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing. Bevin seems to have this idea that the more she kisses him, and the more she touches him in his private areas, the less inclined heâ€™ll be to boot her off the show once she drops the divorce bomb on him next week. Weâ€™ll see how it all plays out, but Iâ€™m guessing not well. But Bevin should have no problem finding other divorcees to date. Iâ€™m sure thereâ€™s a website out there for those kind. Or a chat line. Or some social group. Divorcees are the best. I could listen to their stories all day long.
-Andy wants to reiterate to us again the amazing conversations he has with Tina. He now just wants to see if she has just one ounce of sexuality in her. Ummmm, that would be a â€œnoâ€. Andy: â€œSo tell me, if by some miracle of God I give you a rose and I get to meet your family, what can I expect?â€ Tina: â€œIâ€™d be really excited for you to meet my mom and my brother. My mom means everything to me. My mom is me amplified.â€ And thatâ€™s a good thing? How do you amplify something thatâ€™s a mute? Isnâ€™t that the equivalent of multiplying anything by zero and it still being zero?
-Tessa has on a pearl necklace tonight. Just thought Iâ€™d point that out. And they kissed a couple times. Andy likes the whole â€œlet-me-scrunch-my-face-up-against-yours-when-weâ€™re-kissingâ€ thing. Very sexy. Iâ€™m sure she loves it too. Usually when kissing Andy, one tilts their head one way, and the other tilts theirs the opposite way. Or in my case about 10 years ago, the chick insisted on tilting her head the same way I did mine. That made for some really fun times. I sh**canned her immediately. Sorry. If you canâ€™t get the head tilting thing down, youâ€™re retarded.
-Andy says that he thinks Danielle is the â€œmost invested out of all these womenâ€. Wow. Good thing Bevin didnâ€™t hear that. She might just go off and kill herself. After all the scheming that Bevinâ€™s done, and after all the times shes personally stolen Andy away from the other women to get alone time to herself, for Andy to say he thinks Danielle is the most invested girl left, well, letâ€™s just say Bevins chances are getting smaller by the second. And she hasnâ€™t dropped the D bomb on him yet. Yikes. Watch out. Andy might wet himself after hearing that. And by the way, Danielle is in my top 3 bachelorettes of all time. Jen Schefft used to be in the top 3 until they actually made her the Bachelorette and she embarrassed herself. So Iâ€™ve had to redo it a couple of times, but I now have a new top 3. Wouldnâ€™t you like to know? I bet you would. Maybe some other time.
-Stephanieâ€™s had days to figure out if she has any hopes and dreams in her life andâ€¦â€¦nothing. She pretty much knows sheâ€™s screwed. But Andy being the gentleman he is, has to patronize her with, â€œSo, if ABC holds a gun to my head and tells me I have to give you a hometown date, what can I expect to see in Kansas?â€ Stephanie: â€œOh, my family is the best. Im pretty much the butt of all jokes. My family is the one whoâ€™ll break out the kid videos of me to show you.â€ No sh**? Maybe Stephanie and I are more alike than I think. My mom wouldnâ€™t hesitate for a second to show my 2nd and 3rd birthday party videos to my girlfriends. Thatâ€™s always a blast. Especially since those were filmed in 1977 and 1978 and thereâ€™s no sound to them. And donâ€™t even get me started on the â€œMr. Griffinâ€ video.
-Host Chris tries to pretend we have a major scandal on our hands when he told us going to commercial ten minutes ago that some of the ladies â€œbreak the rulesâ€. Well, the rule breaking consisted of Amber and Bevin going into the deliberation room and looking at the â€œPick me!â€ photos. Wow. What scandal. Kick them off the show! Breach of contract! Lord knows they canâ€™t have anyone walk into a room where nothing has happened for the last five seasons or so. Iâ€™m glad they got me all riled up for nothing. I was expecting Host Chris and the FBI to come barging in and taking Bevin and Amber away for interrogation by Jack Bauer. But no. Nothing happened. They look at their ABC head shots, got embarrassed then left by saying, â€œLetâ€™s get out of here before someone sees usâ€ – even though a camera guy is standing right there filming them. Geniuses.
-Andy: â€œIâ€™m a Navy Lieutenant. Iâ€™m an Ironman. Iâ€™ve been through a lot in my life, but Iâ€™ve never been through anything like this. This is the hardest thing Iâ€™ve ever done.â€ Booting Stephanie and Tina is the hardest thing youâ€™ve ever done? Really? Even though your physical and sexual chemistry with them rivals that of a pencil cup holder and a ipod clip? Yep, those two were on my desk. I didnâ€™t feel like getting up again. I really feel sorry for Andy if letting these two go was the hardest things heâ€™s ever done in his life. No, really. I feel sorry for him.
-Host Chris at his best: â€œThere are four roses left, which means four of you will be taking Andy home to meet your family. That also means two of you will be going home.â€ Honestly, he just said that. I donâ€™t know how much theyâ€™re paying this guy, but whatever it is, itâ€™s not enough. Double it. He deserves every penny. You are my hero, Host Chris. I think you and I could be BFF as well. Just donâ€™t tell Andy. He might try and squash me with his massive upper pectoral region.
-Rose Ceremony time. Andy has a few words before we begin: â€œYou all mentioned tonight how nervous I seemedâ€¦.thatâ€™s the truthâ€¦incredible leap of faithâ€¦amazing time with all youâ€¦.difficult decisionâ€¦..I just donâ€™t think I couldâ€™ve been possibly less physically attracted to Tina, and Stephanie, you seem to have no direction in life and youâ€™re 23. Amber is 23, but sheâ€™s a mature 23 because she cooks dinners or something like thatâ€¦..uhhhhhâ€¦.good luck to you all.â€
Bevin: â€œWeâ€™re goinâ€™ to Seattle baby!â€ Woo hoo! Canâ€™t wait. And when Andy finds out youâ€™ve already had a honeymoon sex fest before him, he might start crying. Again.
Amber: I wonder if she teaches her 4th graders how to Tootie-tot. Ummm, thatâ€™s one of the others in the top 3.
Tessa: Damn. And I thought in back-to-back seasons, the girl who got to wear the $2 mil in jewelry would get the boot. Oh well.
Host Chris: â€œDanielle, for Christ sakes, come get your rose. This is ridiculous. Like the other two had a chance.â€
Danielle: So do I have her ranked #1, #2, or #3 on my list? Hmmmmâ€¦.
-Tina: â€œI met a great guy in Andy, but I really regret that I shut down.â€ I donâ€™t think it wouldâ€™ve mattered, hun. But you can keep trying to convince yourself it did. Stephanie: â€œItâ€™s hard to realize that I let it slip through my fingers. I feel like I couldâ€™ve done more.â€ Yeah, like answered his questions that he asked you. I know thatâ€™s tough. But youâ€™re a young 23, you have your whole life ahead of you, and Iâ€™m sure thereâ€™s a guy out there for you that only loves the missionary position. And look on the bright side, your mom wonâ€™t get to embarrass you on national television by showing you in the tub with your rubber ducky.
-Next week are our hometown dates and by quick glance, Danielle has the protective parents, Bevin drops her D bomb on Andy, Tessaâ€™s family is the one who questions the ridiculousness of this show, and Amber canâ€™t get any family members to show up. Whoa. Thatâ€™s gotta suck. Canâ€™t say thatâ€™s ever happened before. Even Host Chris chimed in with a â€œHometown date unlike any one youâ€™ve ever seenâ€. So now not only does Amberâ€™s family not like her, but sheâ€™s got all of Sugar Land, Texas up in arms as well. Iâ€™m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Amber cries next week. A lot. Just a hunch.
-Ok, so the latest batch of Dr. Reality Steve letters go up this week. I wanted to wait to get a couple more in before I posted them, and thanks to those who sent some in. Thereâ€™s a good Andy story in one of them. Itâ€™s not too late for me to add more, so if you need any help with your sex life, your husband, your wife, any â€œboyfriend cheated on me but I still want himâ€ b.s., send all your stuff to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will do my damndest to help you out. Until next weekâ€¦.