-I found it interesting going into last night’s show that on my DVR, the show description for last night read, “Andy and four of the remaining bachelorettes visit an LA elementary school, where they get down and dirty for a good cause.” So ABC took the time to brainwash Time Warner Cable into printing that horrendous phrase? However, on Tivo, there was no mention of “down and dirty”. Hence the reason I like Tivo more. You suck, Time Warner. And the fact that I can’t pick up an HD signal through a satellite dish because the apartment next to me is blocking my view to the south, well, let’s just say I’m still pissed about that. Time Warner’s HD signal is pretty good, but I still think I’m getting ripped off. I like that Tivo’s system makes beeping and bopping noises when I press the buttons. And the fact that you can only record about 8 HD shows with Time Warner before your box is full really pisses me off too. Would you like to hear my thoughts on my channel lineup too? Didn’t think so. Enough cable company talk, onto last night’s show.

-What a great start to the show last night. Could there have been a better opening scene than watching Lt. Andy Baldwin doing dips with his shirt off on a boat? Yeah, that just sucked me right in. Especially when the next scene had him wearing his Top Gun sunglasses. They waited a whopping four seconds before they pulled out the cheese factor in this episode. “I’m a Lieutenant and I am an Ironman. Me Andy. Big and Strong.” I wonder if Andy is aware at all that frankly I don’t give a rats ass how many triathlons he’s been in. And neither should anyone else. The fact that he’s either flaunting it or has been told to flaunt it makes the guy less and less appealing. Moreso than anything the guy has already said or done so far, which is saying a lot. Now go do some chin-ups and put on your naval outfit since we haven’t seen you in that in at least the last 45 seconds.

-All the girls arrive on Andy’s boat for a day in the sun. Someone asks Andy what his pet peeve is. “I don’t like smoking. I’m pretty low maintenance.” Yeah, I can tell. With your .0000000001% body fat, your perfectly pressed Lieutenant suit, your Marty McFly DeLorean you roll around in, and your sparkling fake white chompers, you’re totally just the average Joe. Every guy can relate to you. Just laid back, easy goin’ Andy. I so see it. You and I could be boys Andy. We have so much in common. Like, you know, how I watch reality TV and write about it and how you are rescuing orphans from burning buildings. Or like, how I eat Subway three times a week, and your daily intake of protein consists of leaves, berries, and some juice concoction that you have specially made for you. I could totally see myself being BFF with Andy. We’d laugh, we’d cry, we’d hug it out – this is a friendship made in heaven. But I must warn you Andy, I go to bed late. And if “24” is on, you need to shutup. And oh yeah, I like women. So don’t be too offended by that.

-Tessa has a pet peeve. “I hate it when someone walks with socks on a rug.” Ummmm, ok. Yeah, that really bugs the crap out of me too. What horrible people they are. How can we rid America of them? I’m with ya’, Tessa. Amber doesn’t like people who clap at the end of movies. “Hello, they can’t hear you.” Good point, Amber. It’s at this point where I’m assured why I’m not a fan of either of these girls. Good Lord. Those are your pet peeves? Is it ok that I use wire hangers, or are you going to beat me silly with those like “Mommy Dearest”? You know what one of my pet peeves is? Annoying chicks on reality TV dating shows who have the most asinine pet peeves. So there. And oh yeah, during all this, Tina tells Andy he has something in his fake porcelain teeth and starts picking at it. This show has officially gone to hell in a hand basket.

-But not before Tessa brings it down even a step further by resorting back to her stand up routine. “Hey Andy, I got one. This is a real knee slapper. A blonde and a brunette jump from a building, who lands first?” Andy: “I don’t know Tessa, who? This better be f***ing good or I’m throwing you overboard.” Tessa: “The brunette. Because on the way down, the blonde asked for directions.” Look, I’m sorry. In no way am I out to defend blondes, I honestly have no bias or preference when it comes to someone’s hair color, but enough with blonde jokes. Seriously, someone has taken the time to write pages and pages of blonde jokes, and frankly, none of them are ever funny. How can they be when you pretty much know what’s coming at every punch line – the blonde is the dumb one. That’s funny? Every time? Since when? I’ve you’ve heard one blonde joke, you’ve heard them all. They’re all just a different variation of the same joke. Now with that said, most blondes are idiots.

-So all their pet peeves suck, Tessa couldn’t get someone to laugh at her jokes if you paid them, and now its Bevin’s turn to join in on the fun. She takes Andy away from Danielle and Missionary Stephanie because she wants to go kayaking. And she wants him to herself. In case you haven’t figured it out, there’s always that one girl every season who’s all insecure and freaked out by the fact that the man she’s in love with is dating other women. Well, this season its Bevin. By about 100 miles. Anyway, before they get in the kayaks, Bevin warns Andy, “I’m not afraid of drowning. You’ll just have to give me mouth to mouth.” Yeah, like you weren’t going to force that on him anyway. I think the way Bevin takes advantage of poor little innocent Andy can be considered rape in some states. And if there is one male out there who would ever accuse a woman of raping him, by golly it’d be Andy.

-Missionary Stephanie gets a solo date with Andy because, well, I think they felt they needed to give her some camera time. Certainly it wasn’t because they had any sort of chemistry together. Their date consisted of blending wines, to which Andy reaches into his “Bag of Analogies” and comes up with this doozy. “Blending the wines was fun. You can take that to the next level and relate it to romance and relationships. It was a blend of a little bit of Andy and a little bit of Stephanie.” Let me ask you something. And I’m being serious here. Is violent vomiting bad for you? I mean, to the point of where your insides feel like someone is shoving a butcher knife through your intestines? Because that’s about how I felt the second he finished that sentence. You make me puke like I’ve caught the ebola virus, Andy. Thank you very much. If that’s Andy’s way of trying to convince us he’s not a douche, but a sophisticated douche, then I’ve just about had it with him. No longer can he and I be BFF. I’m sorry. I can’t have that much estrogen in my life.

-Their creepy wine date continues as they taste their wine concoction they came up with. And it gets even creepier. Andy: “It tastes beautiful – like you.” Whoa there little whipper snapper. Calm down. As far as we’ve seen, they hadn’t kissed up to this point. And the thought of how else Andy knows how Stephanie tastes is beginning to make my skin crawl. I was shocked Stephanie’s virgin ears didn’t start bleeding at that point. I had to rewind that just to make sure that’s exactly what he said. And it was. I’m horrified. That might’ve been the dirtiest thing ever said on television before 9:00. And wouldn’t you know, Lt. Andy Baldwin was the one who uttered it. I’m expecting ABC to be given a hefty fine for that crude, disrespectful, and classless line. Go wash your mouth out with soap, young boy.

-So now these two need to make a label for their wine. They begin painting something that I couldn’t make sense of. All it did was give them a way to start painting each other and making designs of a third grader. They each had paint on their hands, and Andy tells Stephanie to put her hand over her heart, and he’ll do the same with his. Awwwwwww…how adorable. But wouldn’t it have made sense if she put her hand over his heart, and he put his hand on her breast to grope her? Of course it would’ve, hence the reason Andy didn’t do it. He doesn’t know what to do with boobs. They’re like a personality to him, or a sense of charm – completely foreign. This was one of the lamest solo dates ever. I half expected these two to end up in the sandbox filling up each others pails by the end of the night.

-Date box arrives at the house and the card says that Danielle, Bevin, Tina, and Amber will be “getting down and dirty for a good cause.” Hey, they stole that from Time Warner. Only they could come up with the most overused phrase this season. Bevin is a little upset because this means Tessa gets the final one on one date, and Bevin doesn’t know if she’s going to have time to tell Andy her big secret – she’s been divorced. Weeeeelllllllllll, that certainly makes things interesting. You know, because divorced women have such a great track record on this show. Nothing says “true love” more than a divorcee running onto a reality TV dating show looking to get married. Can’t wait to hear all the juicy details on this one. Good luck, Bevin. You’ll need it. You now have a better chance of winning Andy’s heart than Tina does. I think Travis Stork dumped that one chick in Paris maybe a half a second after dropped on him that she was once married. And for Mr. “Family Guy” Baldwin, I’m guessing that’ll never fly. Just a hunch.

-Back to Andy and Stephanie’s boring date at the jungle gym. Andy is kind of unsure where Stephanie stands right now. She’s not opening up much and he wants to find out more about her. This is a big decision for him to meet these girls parents, so he has to make sure Stephanie is someone worth investing time into. The opportunity is right here for her to go and run with it. And she pretty much trips and falls on her face coming out of the starting blocks. Andy: “So what are your career dreams?” Stephanie: “I have a lot.” Andy: “Well, what are they?” Stephanie: “(Dead silence) Ummmm….errr….psssshhhh….I don’t know. That’s hard.” Andy: “Any hopes?” Stephanie: “Yeah, tons of hopes. And dreams. And aspirations.” Andy: “And what are those?” Stephanie: “(Dead silence) Ummmmm….errr…uhhhhh….wow…ummmm….that’s a toughie…” Thank you for coming, Stephanie. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you. Really, it has. Even though we don’t know a damn thing about you and neither does Andy.

-Back at the house, Bevin is feeling insecure again. Shocker. She pulls Amber aside and tells her that she finds it hard for her to believe that the man she wants to be with, also has an interest in someone who’s 23, both Amber and Stephanie’s age. Well honey, you can forget about Stephanie. She just crapped the bed on her date. As for Amber, well, Amber will tell you she’s the most mature 23 year old woman on the planet. She’s been through a lot. She’s had to cook for her brothers and sisters since she was 18. Do you realize how difficult that is and how mature that makes you? Neither do I. Bevin is the oldest girl left at 28, so she just cant seem to fathom how Andy could possibly take an interest in someone as young and immature as her. Because maturity, as we all know, is getting married in your teens. That’s always a recipe for marital bliss. I’m no Dr. Laura, but I’m guessing 99% of all teen marriages end in divorce. Call me crazy.

-The group date is at a middle school in Hollywood and the Andy and the girls are going to build a playground for all the kiddies to play on. This is where we see Andy’s softer side, you know, because up to this point, we’ve seen nothing but him being very manly, and doing manly things, and saying manly phrases, and…..ok, I’ll stop. This is just a time for Andy to show all the ladies that he can be as big a girl as they are. Hey, nothing wrong with helping out kids, and being Mr. Humanitarian of the Century, I just thought it felt a little forced. Ok, a lot forced. I mean, what did we expect? To see Andy hating on the kids and throwing things at them? Maybe shout down a couple of them for drinking their apple juice instead of some protein shake? This was the “Awwwww-look-at-him-with-the-kids-I-want-to-marry-him-too” moment of the show. But I looked at it as a perfect time for me to go make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yummy. I’m sorry, but there isn’t anything that can put a smile on my face quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Except sex. And if you mix them both together, even better. Don’t ask.

-Amber: “I love how Andy gives back to the community. I’d love to show him my class to show him how I give back too.” First off, Andy is being told what to do on these dates. I’m sure he has no real interest in spending a whole day doing manual labor when he can be trying to get in your pants. Lets make that clear. And secondly Amber, well, let’s just say you might be thrilled to be showing Andy to your class, but the parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders sure aren’t. The exploitation of their children on your behalf Amber is appalling. Although, these kids who got to play in the finished playground, I didn’t hear a peep from their families. So why do all the parents in Sugar Land have sticks up their asses? Don’t know. Guess we’ll find out next week when Ambers parents pull a no-show and she takes Andy to her class. Yay, Sugar Land. Be proud.

-Andy: “I’m always such a kid at heart.” Yeah, yeah, we know. And you’re a Lieutenant. And an Ironman. And a naval seamen. You are truly God’s gift, Andy. You really are. And you have a way with words. Andy (to Danielle): “So how many kids do you want?” Very subtle, Andy. Danielle said two because she thinks all kids should have a sibling. Well, to all you only children out there, feel free to start hating on Danielle. She thinks your parents screwed you by not popping out a brother or sister for you. Hey, she said it, not me. Send all complaints and letters over to ABC. Way to alienate those without a sibling, Danielle. I expect the OCAA (Only Child of America Association) to be protesting outside you and Andy’s wedding.

-Tina: “I’m not just here for the ride. I’m here to see if I’m the one for Andy Baldwin.” Don’t worry. You two have the sexual connection of a toaster and a refrigerator magnet. Yes, I had to actually leave my room for that one. So no worries Tina. You and Andy are not meant to be. Your fortune today reads: “One who is not as pretty as Amber, Bevin, Danielle, or Tessa must suffer the consequences. The tribe has spoken. Tina, its time to go home.”

-Andy: “I didn’t know how Bevin was going to be with the kids…I was surprised.” That was a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one. Gee, what gave you that impression Andy? Just because Bevin wants all of her time spent with you and doesn’t want to include anyone else? Was that it? I wish MTV had programming back 10 years ago that they do now. Would’ve been fun watching Bevin on “Engaged and Underage”. Great show, isn’t it? I think that show should be a part of every high school sex education curriculum. You wanna slow down the divorce rate in this country, just pop one of those episodes in to show our teenagers of today. Sure, they’ll continue sleeping around and getting freaky after class, but at least they won’t think of marrying each other. I think I liked the one episode where the girl was complaining that her fiancé was immature, had no money, liked playing video games, and didn’t pay a lot of attention to her. Oh wait, that’s every episode.

-And if I may continue on my little soapbox here for a moment, there is no way you can convince me that anyone in their teens thinks they have a clue about marriage and it’s the right thing to do. Sure, you’ve heard stories of your friends parents that got married right out of high school and are still married today. Yeah, exactly. Those are your friends parents, meaning it happened 20 or 30 years ago. That’s when sex was only done in the missionary position and internet porn wasn’t around. You check back with me 20 or 30 years from today, and tell me if any kids getting married out of high school in todays day and age are still together. I’m guessing no. I graduated high school in 1993 and the thought of marriage was so far out of my mind, you couldn’t have paid me to marry someone. Then again, I had no one to marry so I guess it’s a moot point. Teens. Gotta love em’. Yeah, prom was so much fun, let’s get married this summer and start a family. Huh?

-So it’s time for Tessa’s solo date and Andy brings over the goods. No, not sex toys, but jewelry. Now, why he had to bring over $2 million in jewelry and put it on Tessa right in front of the other girls didn’t make much sense to me, but hey, it’s ABC’s show, they can do what they want. But it was really cruel of them to rub it in on the other girls. Ahhhhh, who am I kidding? I loved it. Serves them right that Andy didn’t choose them. Nothing like rubbing their noses in it a little bit. They all took it about as well as they could. Tina is clueless as to what jewelry even is. Stephanie is still trying to figure out if she has any hopes or dreams. Danielle is busy fending off OCAA, Amber has the city of Sugar Land, Texas trying to light her place on fire, and Bevin….well, Bevin’s a mess. Seeing her boyfriend put $2 mil in ice on another woman pretty much just made her blood pressure rise to a level that’s not healthy. I was waiting for her to jump over the table and tackle Tessa, starting a massive chick fight with hair flying everywhere, clothes being ripped off, pillows being swung around, scratching, biting, clawing….ummmm, ok maybe not.

-So not only does Tessa get $2 mil in diamonds, but Andy takes her to the Nicole Miller store to try on dresses, all the while “Up Where We Belong” plays in the background. You know, they play that song at least once an episode very faintly, and frankly, that song sucks. I hate it. Get rid of it. The movie sucks, the song sucks, there’s zero correlation between that movie and this show. Just get rid of it. All of it. Stop pretending this show is some re-creation of a bad early 80’s love story with a pre-gerbil loving Richard Gere and milfy Debra Winger. That song is now engrained in my head and will be for the rest of the day. And don’t think it won’t be in yours either, “Love lift us up where we belong….Where the eagles cry….On a mountain high….” Are those not the perfect lyrics to some cheesy 80’s love song or what? And you’re welcome for that song not leaving your head the rest of the day. Hey, if I’m gonna suffer, you’re going to along with me.

-Tessa knows she’s not the easiest person to get to know and she realizes she has to start opening up to Andy. “It takes me longer to get comfortable…trust someone….I like you….lets take baby steps….maybe by our third or fourth date I’ll you feel under my shirt.” Although he should be put off by everything she just said, Andy is giddy. “My heart is full when I’m with you, like, where did you come from?” Uhhhhh, what? She’s that amazing that you’re contemplating that maybe she was delivered to us from another planet? Are you serious? Whoa. I don’t know what to say to that, Andy. I really don’t. Other than you’re completely crazy and your porcelain veneers are making Elliot Yamin jealous.

-Time for the girls to make one last impression. Andy is very torn about which 4 girls to give roses too. Especially since he’s made out with only 4 of them. Mustve been a real struggle for him to figure out who he was letting go tonight. So each girl presents their case one last time to try and win Andy over and get that ever so special hometown date. You know, the one where we get to see the crazies that spawned these beautiful women. Always one of my favorite episodes of the season. I’d do anything to see them roll Bevin’s ex-husband in for the episode. But because we’d all get too much enjoyment out of it and it’d make for great television is the reason they won’t do it. Damn them.

-Andy is concerned about Amber being immature. I mean, she is 23 and all. But does he know she can cook for her siblings? Ah hah! See, bet you didn’t know that did you, Andrew? So Amber hands Andy what looks to be like a condom wrapper that has a message on it. She claims it was from a piece of chocolate she had earlier, but it was square and had the outline of a circle in it. Surely looked like it came from a Magnum Ultra Lubricated 3 pack in the black box with “For the Ultra Smooth Experience“ label to me. Uhhhhhh….anyway……the message read “Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.” That was her way of telling Andy that she wants a rose. And that she smiles when she’s with him. And that he better wear protection with her. Or something like that.

-It’s now Bevin’s turn and Andy likes her dress. Probably because it’s white and see through, but he likes it nonetheless. They did not a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing. Bevin seems to have this idea that the more she kisses him, and the more she touches him in his private areas, the less inclined he’ll be to boot her off the show once she drops the divorce bomb on him next week. We’ll see how it all plays out, but I’m guessing not well. But Bevin should have no problem finding other divorcees to date. I’m sure there’s a website out there for those kind. Or a chat line. Or some social group. Divorcees are the best. I could listen to their stories all day long.

-Andy wants to reiterate to us again the amazing conversations he has with Tina. He now just wants to see if she has just one ounce of sexuality in her. Ummmm, that would be a “no”. Andy: “So tell me, if by some miracle of God I give you a rose and I get to meet your family, what can I expect?” Tina: “I’d be really excited for you to meet my mom and my brother. My mom means everything to me. My mom is me amplified.” And that’s a good thing? How do you amplify something that’s a mute? Isn’t that the equivalent of multiplying anything by zero and it still being zero?

-Tessa has on a pearl necklace tonight. Just thought I’d point that out. And they kissed a couple times. Andy likes the whole “let-me-scrunch-my-face-up-against-yours-when-we’re-kissing” thing. Very sexy. I’m sure she loves it too. Usually when kissing Andy, one tilts their head one way, and the other tilts theirs the opposite way. Or in my case about 10 years ago, the chick insisted on tilting her head the same way I did mine. That made for some really fun times. I sh**canned her immediately. Sorry. If you can’t get the head tilting thing down, you’re retarded.

-Andy says that he thinks Danielle is the “most invested out of all these women”. Wow. Good thing Bevin didn’t hear that. She might just go off and kill herself. After all the scheming that Bevin’s done, and after all the times shes personally stolen Andy away from the other women to get alone time to herself, for Andy to say he thinks Danielle is the most invested girl left, well, let’s just say Bevins chances are getting smaller by the second. And she hasn’t dropped the D bomb on him yet. Yikes. Watch out. Andy might wet himself after hearing that. And by the way, Danielle is in my top 3 bachelorettes of all time. Jen Schefft used to be in the top 3 until they actually made her the Bachelorette and she embarrassed herself. So I’ve had to redo it a couple of times, but I now have a new top 3. Wouldn’t you like to know? I bet you would. Maybe some other time.

-Stephanie’s had days to figure out if she has any hopes and dreams in her life and……nothing. She pretty much knows she’s screwed. But Andy being the gentleman he is, has to patronize her with, “So, if ABC holds a gun to my head and tells me I have to give you a hometown date, what can I expect to see in Kansas?” Stephanie: “Oh, my family is the best. Im pretty much the butt of all jokes. My family is the one who’ll break out the kid videos of me to show you.” No sh**? Maybe Stephanie and I are more alike than I think. My mom wouldn’t hesitate for a second to show my 2nd and 3rd birthday party videos to my girlfriends. That’s always a blast. Especially since those were filmed in 1977 and 1978 and there’s no sound to them. And don’t even get me started on the “Mr. Griffin” video.

-Host Chris tries to pretend we have a major scandal on our hands when he told us going to commercial ten minutes ago that some of the ladies “break the rules”. Well, the rule breaking consisted of Amber and Bevin going into the deliberation room and looking at the “Pick me!” photos. Wow. What scandal. Kick them off the show! Breach of contract! Lord knows they can’t have anyone walk into a room where nothing has happened for the last five seasons or so. I’m glad they got me all riled up for nothing. I was expecting Host Chris and the FBI to come barging in and taking Bevin and Amber away for interrogation by Jack Bauer. But no. Nothing happened. They look at their ABC head shots, got embarrassed then left by saying, “Let’s get out of here before someone sees us” – even though a camera guy is standing right there filming them. Geniuses.

-Andy: “I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Ironman. I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I’ve never been through anything like this. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Booting Stephanie and Tina is the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Really? Even though your physical and sexual chemistry with them rivals that of a pencil cup holder and a ipod clip? Yep, those two were on my desk. I didn’t feel like getting up again. I really feel sorry for Andy if letting these two go was the hardest things he’s ever done in his life. No, really. I feel sorry for him.

-Host Chris at his best: “There are four roses left, which means four of you will be taking Andy home to meet your family. That also means two of you will be going home.” Honestly, he just said that. I don’t know how much they’re paying this guy, but whatever it is, it’s not enough. Double it. He deserves every penny. You are my hero, Host Chris. I think you and I could be BFF as well. Just don’t tell Andy. He might try and squash me with his massive upper pectoral region.

-Rose Ceremony time. Andy has a few words before we begin: “You all mentioned tonight how nervous I seemed….that’s the truth…incredible leap of faith…amazing time with all you….difficult decision…..I just don’t think I could’ve been possibly less physically attracted to Tina, and Stephanie, you seem to have no direction in life and you’re 23. Amber is 23, but she’s a mature 23 because she cooks dinners or something like that…..uhhhhh….good luck to you all.”

Bevin: “We’re goin’ to Seattle baby!” Woo hoo! Can’t wait. And when Andy finds out you’ve already had a honeymoon sex fest before him, he might start crying. Again.

Amber: I wonder if she teaches her 4th graders how to Tootie-tot. Ummm, that’s one of the others in the top 3.

Tessa: Damn. And I thought in back-to-back seasons, the girl who got to wear the $2 mil in jewelry would get the boot. Oh well.

Host Chris: “Danielle, for Christ sakes, come get your rose. This is ridiculous. Like the other two had a chance.”

Danielle: So do I have her ranked #1, #2, or #3 on my list? Hmmmm….

-Tina: “I met a great guy in Andy, but I really regret that I shut down.” I don’t think it would’ve mattered, hun. But you can keep trying to convince yourself it did. Stephanie: “It’s hard to realize that I let it slip through my fingers. I feel like I could’ve done more.” Yeah, like answered his questions that he asked you. I know that’s tough. But you’re a young 23, you have your whole life ahead of you, and I’m sure there’s a guy out there for you that only loves the missionary position. And look on the bright side, your mom won’t get to embarrass you on national television by showing you in the tub with your rubber ducky.

-Next week are our hometown dates and by quick glance, Danielle has the protective parents, Bevin drops her D bomb on Andy, Tessa’s family is the one who questions the ridiculousness of this show, and Amber can’t get any family members to show up. Whoa. That’s gotta suck. Can’t say that’s ever happened before. Even Host Chris chimed in with a “Hometown date unlike any one you’ve ever seen”. So now not only does Amber’s family not like her, but she’s got all of Sugar Land, Texas up in arms as well. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Amber cries next week. A lot. Just a hunch.

-Ok, so the latest batch of Dr. Reality Steve letters go up this week. I wanted to wait to get a couple more in before I posted them, and thanks to those who sent some in. There’s a good Andy story in one of them. It’s not too late for me to add more, so if you need any help with your sex life, your husband, your wife, any “boyfriend cheated on me but I still want him” b.s., send all your stuff to steve@realitysteve.com and I will do my damndest to help you out. Until next week….

The Bachelor Links