The Bachelor 10 - Andy

The Bachelor Recap – 5/7/07

-For those that haven’t heard, it was brought up a couple weeks ago that Amber’s principal at her school got in trouble for letting Amber appear on the show, and that the principal was being reassigned to another school. Well, the principal decided to quit outright, rather than be relegated to caving in to the school district and going somewhere else. Please. I don’t get why that’s such a big deal. However, with that said, I’m still surprised Amber kept her job. I mean, if you’re gonna fire one, you gotta fire the other, don’t you? Makes no sense to me. Either discipline them both, or don’t discipline either of them. I wouldn’t do anything because the whole thing is ridiculous, but, since they’ve let the principal go, I think you gotta do something to Amber. But hey, I don’t work for the school district. Not my call. Remind me never to go work for the Sugar Land school district. What a bunch of hard asses. Ok, let’s begin…

-The show starts off in very dramatic fashion – Andy driving his $1 billion car around town in his burnt orange leather jacket. The coolness is just oozing from my television set. If I only had an Oingo Boingo poster on the wall and “Take my Breath Away” was playing in the background could this scene be set any better. Andy gives us his thoughts on the four remaining women…

Tessa: “I knew from the beginning, Tessa was a dynamic woman.” How? The first sentence out of her mouth to you was some lame ass joke about two muffins talking to each other in the oven. Tessa’s downside is that she hasn’t opened up like the other girls and seems a bit skeptical. Uhhhh, yeah. Just wait til you get to D.C., Andy. Skeptical is that family’s middle name. And her best friend might be in the F.B.I. the way she’s investigating Andy’s motives.

Danielle: Yet again, Andy informs us as he did last week that Danielle is the “most invested of all the girls left. I feel her heart so much when I talk to her.” And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know this, both of them had a tragic loss in their life. She lost an ex-boyfriend while in bed, and he lost an uncle or something. But Andy is trying to figure out if he and Danielle are just friends or lifelong partners. No, you and your college buddy that watch “Heat” together on your date are lifelong partners. Danielle is just a girl on this show. Don’t worry, when you read the latest “Dr. Reality Steve” letters, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yes, I’ve finally put them up. They appear right after this column.

Amber: “I can’t get over the fact that she’s only 23. I really don’t date younger women.” Please, Andy. Don’t be so judgmental. Keep an open mind. Just wait til you get to Sugar Land, Texas to meet her big, huge, fun-filled family. Then that’ll really change your mind. That would consist of one of the more dingiest friends you’ll ever meet and some random Aunt they seemed to force to show up. Good times.

Bevin: “Every time I see her, I feel this current. I’m constantly impressed with Bevin, the athletic side, her interaction with children….it just gets better and better with Bevin.” Funny how for the first three girls, he made sure he listed one red flag about them, but for Bevin, she was the most perfect woman ever. No flaws whatsoever. Except for that minor little detail she’s about to drop on him in Seattle, you know, where she went off and got married as a teen. He might lose his hard on over that one. Be careful.

-Bevin is waiting for him in Seattle and jumps in his arms and straddles him when he arrives. Definitely a sign of things to come, if you ask me. And because Andy is giddy that a female is straddling him, he lets his first cheesy line since, well, last week. “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh shut the hell up. Couldn’t you think of a better line than that? How about “She’s keeping something secret, I think her ex husbands name was Evan, what a lying bitch, that’s what I think of Bevin.” There. Much better. Bevin takes him to some waterfalls she used to hang at when she was a kid. Andy: “So I’m the first boy you brought to the waterfall.” Uhhhh, not quite pal. See those rocks over there under the waterfall? See what a great view it is over there and how romantic it is? Yeah, Bevin went down on her ex husband over there on numerous occasions. Take that.

-So its time to spill the beans to Andy. Bevin is really nervous. And crying. That’s kind of a theme for this whole hometown visit – Bevin crying. A lot. Here she goes: “We’ve all had a past….when I was a teenager, I was very stubborn….did stuff my parents didn’t want me to do….I was married….it didn’t last long….it shaped me….made me who I am….I’m stronger for it….I know now what it takes to make relationships work….” On and on and on she went with the divorcee mantra. Just once, I want to hear someone who got married early and divorced say, “You know, for the life of me, I absolutely did the right thing. And I haven’t learned a damn thing from that marriage. I am by far a worse person now than before I married that man. I’m a complete mess and have no idea what its like to be in a meaningful relationship. Hope you can deal with that.” I guess if you’re divorced, all you can really say is how much you learned from it. Otherwise, whoever you’re with, you’re probably not going to be with much longer. Yay divorced people. Is there like a mass email that passed around among divorcees that all say the same thing about what to say when talking about your divorce? Just curious.

-Bevin was very emotional after telling Andy about her failed marriage. I was thoroughly disappointed we didn’t get any more details on this breakup. All we know is she’s 28, she’s been divorced for six years, and she married him in her teens. It didn’t last very long and she did it against her parents wishes. Showing obviously what a great family person Bevin really is. Kind of ironic that this was the same girl last week crying to Amber telling her how she just couldn’t believe that the guy she’s dating has an interest in a 23 year old because they don’t know what they want. Yet here’s Bevin the Magnificent eloping in her teens and is divorced by 22. Yep, she’s the whole package all right. I just hope Andy can see through all this mess and look at her only as the emotional train wreck that she is.

-So we get to meet Bevins family: Mom Ahh-na, Step mom Vicki, sister Ohh-na, and Dad Ken. Sisters Bevin and Ohh-na look alike. And the parents were obviously on something when naming their children. Ahh-na and Ohh-na. How cute. Not really. Andy brings Ahh-na flowers and coffee from Hawaii and tells the parents what an amazing daughter they have. This after just finding out from the amazing daughter that she went against her parents wishes as a teenager and married young. I think Andy is still in a state of denial that Bevin did that. It’s like he’s really wanting to forget another man once carried her up to the suite on their honeymoon night and had monkey sex with her. How will Andy duplicate something like that? Especially since he has no clue what to do with a woman? I think this is going to be a major sticking point with Andy.

-Sister Ohh-na asks, “Where does it go from here?” Andy: “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her? I mean, if I propose, is she just gonna marry me then divorce me in a few years? Is that how it works in this family? Because if it is, I don’t want to be a part of this. None of it! I’m leaving.” Ok, he didn’t really say that. But boy would that have been a hoot if he did. Bevins mom, touched by all Andy has had to offer at this point which was basically nothing, gives them a painting of the Northwest, then hugged Andy. Yeah, Bevin cried. This means a lot to her. Because the ex-hubby never got such a gracious gift before. He was relegated to sleeping by himself on the couch during family weekend visits, and wasn’t allowed to touch their daughter in their home. So you can see why mom is so happy with Bevins new boyfriend. He wants no part of touching her inappropriately.

-Bevin goes off to talk with her dad. Dad: “Do you love him?” Bevin: “I like him, I can’t lie. When would I ever meet someone like that?” Bevin’s crying again. Her emotional fuse is about an 1/8th of an inch long, in case you haven’t noticed. Even dad is getting in on the act now. He’s welling up with just the thought of his daughter marrying this bohunk. Dad: “Bevin’s tired of getting her heart broken.” Oh yeah, well that’s life, pops. It happens. Won’t be her first, won’t be her last. Maybe it’ll toughen her up for future relationships. A very touching moment with Bevin and her dad is ruined when Andy comes in and starts laughing at them. Oh wait, that was me. Sorry. On his way out, Andy makes sure he tells the family what he thinks of Bevin. “You have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.” Three wonderfuls? Really? What, one for each family member? What makes her three “wonderfuls” worthy? I certainly must’ve missed something.

-Now to a more refreshing date, and that’s with Danielle in Connecticut. And within four seconds of them meeting up, we are re-introduced to the “We share something in common theme – we both had people close to us die” storyline. Hey, at least she didn’t drop any divorce bombs on him this trip. He can finally stop thinking about that mess and concentrate on becoming lifelong partners with Danielle, and not just friends. Actually, that sounds like I’m rooting for these two, and I’m not. I certainly don’t want her ending up with this pud. Remember, Danielle is in my Top 3 of all time. And I figured out why. She’s attractive, she never caused any drama in the house, isn’t an emotional head case, family seems normal with normal names, and doesn’t seem to have many issues. Sure, her ex died and she keeps bringing it up. But compared to the looney bins who have appeared on this show before her, and most certainly will appear after her, she seems almost too normal for this show. And that’s why she moved into my Top 3. There. You got your reason. And I’m not ready to reveal who the third is in that group yet.

-So we meet Danielle’s dad Jim, mother Nancy, and sister Kaitlin. Danielle is very happy to be back home because, well, ummmm, that’s where she still lives. Oops. Strike one. Twenty-five year old still living at home raises a red flag, doesn’t it? Now, because she’s in my top 3, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation as to why that’s the case. I just don’t have the faintest idea what that could be. But that’s ok. That’s ok. I’m a very understanding person and will not hold that against her. I can think of one thing I will hold against her though. I completely just ruined that moment, didn’t I? Damn. Please accept my apology, Danielle. I’ll never be that crass and piggish again. I promise.

-Danielle’s dad is a very stern man, with very strong morals and principles. You can just tell by the vibe that he gives off. And that bald head with the hair on each side is kinda freaky but it shows who’s in charge here. “As a father, I’m the provider and protector….she deserves the best….she’ll give you 1000%”. Yes, sir. Don’t ever cross Mr. Imwalle. Yes, that’s Danielle’s last name. Along with Amber Alchalabi, Bevin Powers, and Tessa Horst. Whatever the case, Mr. Imwalle would like nothing better than his daughter to become the next Mrs. Lt. Danielle Baldwin. Because who wouldn’t want their name to be one syllable away from one of the worst C-list actors our entertainment industry has ever seen? Which one is Daniel Baldwin? Is he the drunk or the bible thumper? Or is he both? Whatever he is, at least he doesn’t shout down his 12 year old daughter on her voice mail. I can never look at Jack Donaghy the same.

-Danielle’s mom is concerned about her daughter moving to Hawaii. You know, because mommy still makes her a sack lunch before she heads off to work everyday. Andy knows that long distance relationships are hard, and frankly moms, you’re gonna have to give up the daughter if he proposes. Sorry. I mean, I’m sure your daughter loves being 25 and living at home with you and all, but what if she’s engaged? And her and Andy want to touch each other late at night in bed? Can she really feel comfortable with you and daddy under the same roof? That might be a little uncomfortable. And what about sis in the other room? Won’t she feel left out of the action? I’m assuming the sister lives there too since she’s younger than Danielle. Would be rather odd if the older sister was living at home and the younger sister had her own place, wouldn’t it? Whatever the case mom, as much as Danielle loves you, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind getting out of the freezing cold Connecticut to live in Hawaii. In fact, I’m guessing any resident of the state of Connecticut would jump at the chance to pretend they like Andy so they could go live in Hawaii.

-Danielle’s family loosens up a bit and starts having a little fun. And by that, I mean dad starts playing the drums and mom and sis start belly dancing with Andy. Woo hoo! This Imwalle clan really knows how to live it up, don’t they? Next thing you know, they’ll be outside roasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories with flashlights under their faces. Andy even participates in both these rip roaring activities. He plays the drums like a 6 year old, then gets up to belly dance with mom and sis, only to be warned by Danielle, “Don’t get too close to my sister.” Uh oh. A little sibling rivalry here. Something tells me Kaitlin is very familiar with big sis’ dates in the past. Maybe a little too familiar with them. Danielle can already sense that Kaitlin can’t wait to get her hands on these sloppy seconds. It may look tempting Kaitlin, but it isn’t. He’s got the personality of a paper shredder. Just bought one yesterday and its sitting right next to me. That was an easy one.

-Time for Tessa’s hometown date in D.C. Andy: “My romance with Tessa’s been a roller coaster…Tessa is a goofball like me.” So since these two are such goofballs, they do what goofballs do in the snow – throw snowballs. How cute. Didn’t see that one coming at all. If only they could’ve capped it off with dualing snow angels, would I really have wanted to stick my fist down my throat. So we get to meet mom Romana (as in Romana’s Macaroni Grill, which sounds so good right now, I think I’ll have it for lunch later today), dad Tim, sister Mercy, and BFF Samantha, the F.B.I. interrogator. Macaroni Grill’s first impression of Andy: “Wow. He is really fit and very handsome.” Easy there, Mamma mia. Just wait til you get to know him. I’m sure then you won’t be asking if he’d like fresh pepper anymore.

-Samantha the Interrogator is Tessa’s best friend from Denver. They grew up together and apparently she screened all of Tessa’s love mates before Tessa could get seriously involved with them. Here are a few of the questions that Sam the Agent grilled Andy with…

“You appear to be the perfect guy – tell us some of your faults.” – Andy said he couldn’t sing and wasn’t a good cook. Not once did he mention anything about how his year round fake baking might eventually lead to skin cancer, and how if he’s in a dark room and he smiles, you could use the rays from his teeth as a night light.

“Are you a suburb type of guy or city person?” – I don’t really remember Andy’s answer to this question, nor did I care. I’m glad Tessa’s off in her room changing into her red dress with the ruffled arms. Poor Andy getting the first degree from the best friend flown in from out of state.

“Are there any qualities the other girls have that you wish Tessa had?” – Uhhhh….errrr…..Andy? “The others are quick to show their emotions. Tessa seems to be holding hers back a bit.” Translation: If Tessa doesn’t grab my package in the fantasy suite, I think that might just be all for her. This is getting ridiculous. Bevin wants to have my children, like, tomorrow. Danielle would rather just make love to me. And Amber’s a horny 23 year old.

“Is a marriage proposal in the works for you by the end of this show?” Look Sammy, lay off the guy. Just because you ain’t getting’ any, doesn’t mean you have to rain on your BFF’s parade. Samantha now has the distinct honor of being the worst best friend ever to appear on this show, overtaking Lisa’s friend Allie from last season who not only brought over a wedding dress for her to try on, but also spilled the beans to Lorenzo about Lisa’s timeline. Allie, you’ve been replaced by Samantha. Congratulations. I’m sure Lisa forgave you. Can’t say Tessa will do the same.

-Andy and Tessa’s father are hangin’ in the kitchen shooting the breeze. Sort of. Andy: “Has Tessa brought many men back to see the family?” Dad: “A few. She’s very cautious.” Gee, don’t make Andy feel too special now, daddy. And quit being so nosey, Andy. Just because Samantha pissed you off with her out of line questioning doesn’t mean you have to take it out on poor dad. Leave him alone. He’s a big wig in D.C. He can have you tracked down and spied on. Kinda like that one movie with Will Smith and Gene Hackman, “Enemy of the State”. Tessa’s dad will have you thrown in prison quicker than you can say, “I wish ABC never flew Samantha back here for this hometown date.”

-Andy is turning red with anger, so he’s decided to turn the tables on Samantha and Tessa’s sister. And good lord, how long does it take to put on that ugly top, Tessa? How about spending some time with the guy you’re supposed to marry? Is that too much to ask? Andy: “Is this a fun escapade for Tessa or is she here for the right reasons?” I think Samantha ran upstairs crying since she wasn’t the one who got to ask the question. “Out of the four women, three I know want to be with me. I’m not leavin’ D.C. til I get an answer from Tessa.” Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I gotta give credit to Samantha for one thing, she’s the only person we’ve seen so far on this show that’s brought out any emotion in this guy. To bring Andy out of his monotonous boring voice is quite an accomplishment.

-Andy and Tessa get some alone time on her couch. Tessa: “Part of me says to go for it, and the other part of me says you’re opening yourself up to get hurt.” Ok, can we please put an end to that stupid line? People say it every season and it drives me nuts. The minute you agreed to come on this show, you were opening yourself up to get hurt. Quit making it seem like this is some new revelation. Go get her Andy. This was some good back and forth. Andy actually showed he had a pair.

Andy: “What do you want out of this?”
Tessa: “I want to fall in love.”
Andy: “With who?”
Tessa: “Isn’t it obvious?”
Andy: “I wanna hear you say it.”
Tessa: “With you.”
Andy: “Good. Cuz’ I wanna fall in love with you.”

Awwwww….why’d you have to go and blow it with that line? You suck, Andy. For a split second there, you actually displayed some semblance of being a man who didn’t take any stupid game playing tricks by your woman. Then you end it with that sappy line? Yuck. And for the record, I don’t recall Andy telling any of the other girls he wanted to fall in love with them. You know what? Good. Let these two have each other. Means Danielle is still single. Still living at home with mom, dad, and sis, but single. nonetheless. You know what I liked though about Tessa’s date, and Danielle’s for that matter? No crying. I think Tessa cried in an earlier date, but I don’t remember Danielle crying yet. Another reason I like her. I’m sure she’ll cry at some point, but at least she’s not like those two over-weepers Bevin and Amber.

-Time for Andy’s visit to Sugar Land, Texas and Amber’s school. The date I’ve been looking forward to the most and I’m immediately not disappointed when the name of the children’s school is blurred out for the camera. Probably because of those uppity parents, who had to sign a release form for their kids to be seen on the show, yet still didn’t want to be associated with it in any way, shape, or form. Makes sense. I have no idea where Sugar Land, Texas is and I don’t want to know. Makes me vomit. So Andy and Amber go into her class and Andy plays student. He raises his hand and asks a question, “Ummm teacher, will you give me a kiss?” Amber straddles him at the desk and they start making out when her class walks in and sees them, thus being scarred for life. Oh wait, no they didn’t. Oops.

-Ambers 4th grade class all get to meet Andy and get to see in person what a complete douche bag their teacher is dating. One little girl even wants to know how it happened. “How did you meet her and do you like our teacher?” Andy gives the best answer he could. “Well, I signed up for this show called the ‘Bachelor’. It’s on real late at night and your parents shouldn’t let you watch it because it’s dirty and naughty. Anyway, since the show has produced exactly one marriage to date in twelve tries, I figured I’d give it a shot. I met your teacher, she seems like she’ll put out pretty soon, so I decided I wanted to come back and see where she works. So do I like her? You bet your ass I do. And I plan on getting me some when we get back to her apartment. So how ya’ like them apples?” Or something like that.

-Ambers parents don’t approve at all of Amber meeting her potential husband like this, so they don’t want to meet Andy. Hey, they’ve seen the other seasons. Why should they? So Amber has to call her Aunt to come to meet him. No dice there, either. No reason given. She just can’t make it. What a loving, caring Aunt. Although it was pretty obvious she was gonna be the one to show up later. But for the time being, we got to meet roommate Erin and dog, Pasha. To say that Erin wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer would be an insult to knives. So why don’t we just call her The Ditz? Andy was immediately put off by Amber and her ditzy roommate. “It’s very much like a sorority atmosphere here.” So that means these two are running guys in and out of that apartment like it’s a brothel? Maybe you should try to get in on a little of that action?

-Amber’s aunt shows up unexpectedly and I’ve never seen Andy so excited all season. Apparently couped up in a small apartment with the giggling sorority sisters almost led Andy to slit his wrists. He gives Ambers aunt a bigger hug than he gave, well, anyone. So while Andy hangs with the Aunt for a little bit, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum carry on a conversation on Amber’s bed. Or maybe it was Erin’s. I don’t know and I don’t care at this point.

Erin: “I really like him.”
Amber: “I like him a lot.”
Erin: “He looks like he really likes you.”

Oh, if you only had a clue, Ms. Ditz. Amber now knows that Andy is the one for her, because before she could even have a deep conversation with The Ditz, The Ditz knew that Andy and Amber were made for each other. And when someone as sophisticated as that can tell when two people are in love, then by golly, it must be deep, true, passionate, and horny love.

-Andy is going over his marriage plans with Ambers aunt. “Is she really ready to settle down, because I am. I can’t wait to have a little Andy.” Well aren’t we being a little presumptuous thinking we’re going to only have a boy. You do realize it’s possible to conceive a girl even with your low sperm count, don’t you Andy? How do I know this? Because a guy like Andy you just know wears tighty whities. And those are a major cause of low sperm count. So I’ve heard. Anyway, Aunt Whoever goes running back to Amber to tell her that she just spoke with Andy, and what a fine gentleman she thinks he is. “We would be more than welcome to have him in the family.” You sure about that? Because my money says that the two people who actually gave birth to Amber and are boycotting this date probably beg to differ. Call me crazy.

-Rose ceremony time. Host Chris has done the math for us early and is ready to reveal what he’s come up with. “Ladies, only 3 roses remain, which means one of you will be on a plane home tonight…..and if you think for a second that I won’t be back in 28 seconds to tell you there’s only one rose remaining, then you haven’t been watching this show for thirteen seasons.”

-Andy: “You are the four most incredible women on this planet Earth….met parents, siblings, and best friends….including that one in D.C. that I wanted to strangle with my bare hands….I’m responsible not only for my heart, but for yours as well….and God forbid I actually say anything of importance in this mini-speech I give. Can’t the ABC writers come up with something better than this?”

Tessa: Just think, Andy’s gonna have to put with Samantha all during the wedding plans too.

Bevin: She has black nail polish on tonight at the ceremony. You know what that means? She’s either a closet Goth chick, or she’s a closet Bi. Or both.

Host Chris: “Do I ever disappoint? Ladies, Andy, something I learned in 1st grade I’m going to apply right now here on national television in front of 10 million people: 3 minus 2 is 1. I am stealing money from ABC.”

Danielle: He whispered to her that she smelled good. Hey! Lay off her. You don’t want her anyway. Quit being such a tease.

-Let’s just say Amber is about as devastated as one can be by her departure. And little did she know at the time that her appearance would end up getting her principal canned from her job. All she cares about right now is why she got the boot.

Andy: “You’ve been through a lot, but you’re quite a bit younger than me. I just think we’re in different places.”
Amber: “By age, but maturity, I’m not. You told me in the hot tub that age didn’t matter.”

Of course he did, honey. Because thought he was about to get an underwater BJ. Words of advice. Never take anything a man says while in a hot tub at face value. You will only end up disappointed in the end. Hey, I’m just warning you. Anyway, Amber couldn’t stop wailing away in the car either. And boy did she have plans for her and Andy. “Andy lost a girl that would’ve bent over backwards for him….I could see us waking up every morning since we both have to leave at the same time….coming home at the same time….cooking dinner for him….going to the gym together….Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!…..Guys tell me everything I want to hear, then they break my heart, I should f***in be used to this.” Whoa now. Easy psycho girl. Calm down. Now who’s lied to you? Frat boy did? You mean 23 year old guy who wears his PKA shirt everywhere he goes along with his cargo shorts and hat on backwards? That guy? No way! I think it’s safe to say Amber might’ve had one of the worst experiences ever on this show. Her parents wanted nothing to do with it, she gets dumped in the final four, and she gets her principal fired in the meantime. Wow. Quite a ride that was. Hope it was all worth it.

-Next week the exotic dates are all back in Andy’s stomping ground of Hawaii. Andy has to see if there’s more to Bevin than just a physical attraction. Of course there’s not. ABC thinks it’s a brilliant idea to bring a psychic along during his time with Danielle. And wouldn’t you know, the psychic is able to tell they’ve both had losses of loved ones in their past! Wow! Those people are amazing! And Tessa needs to decide if she wants to nude up in the fantasy suite or not. I’m sure that will somehow require a call to her BFF Samantha.

-Yes, Dr. Reality Steve has returned below. Thank you to all who sent your letters in. Keep em coming. Because after a couple more weeks, that’s all this column will become unless I decide to finish up that “Reality Roundup” I promised two months ago. So any questions, queries, comments, criticisms, praise, stories, underwater BJ stories you may have, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….

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