-So like previous Bachelor finale columns, this one will be a tad shorter since: a) there was a lot of fast forwarding done while watching it, b) there was a lot of fluffiness to the episode, and c) anyone whoâ€™s gone on the internet at all in the last three weeks could find out he picked Tessa. So in that sense, it was pretty anti-climactic. However, the finale was not without its cheesy moments, itâ€™s utter ridiculousness, and without its crying. And crying. And more crying. I think even Host Chris cried. He and Andy mustâ€™ve had a moment their when they put their head on each others shoulders, got a good strong cry in, with Host Chris telling him, â€œI wish I could quit you.â€ Or something like that. Letâ€™s get to the condensed version. Iâ€™ll definitely have a little to talk about tomorrow as well since the â€œAfter the Final Roseâ€ is airing tonight. Did they even promote that? I fast forwarded a lot tonight, but I donâ€™t remember seeing a commercial for that. Well, itâ€™s airing tonight, so be sure to watch it. More sappiness.
-So each girl visited Andyâ€™s home in Lancaster, PA. His mom, dad, grandfather, grandmother, and sister were there to grill each of them. Dad looks like Pat Buchanan, and grandpa mustâ€™ve been an interrogator in a previous life the way he shot questions at each girl. Way to go, old man. Andyâ€™s mom, Cynthia, is definitely ready to marry off her son. Cynthia: â€œI have sensed that Andyâ€™s ready to have a partner for a while now.â€ Yes, and his name is Gatsby. Or â€œMitch Throwerâ€ if you want to look him up on Wikipedia. That Mitch â€œGatsbyâ€ Thrower sure has accomplished a lot in his life. If you can actually trust Wikipedia. And who canâ€™t trust such a liable creation like that? I think Iâ€™ve seen different variations of my name appear on Wikipedia. Pretty cool how people can just write whatever they want about you with no repercussions. Hey, thatâ€™s basically what this column is.
-Cynthia is blown away by Tessa: â€œForgive me Tessa for staring at you. Youâ€™re just so beautiful.â€ Hey, everyoneâ€™s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong she is. Tessaâ€™s cute. Beautiful? That might be pushing it a bit. But Cynthia canâ€™t stop her gushing. â€œTessaâ€™s bright, poised, very natural, and real.â€ Um, ok. You can stop now, mom. Just because sheâ€™s your future daughter-in-law, doesnâ€™t mean you have to shower her with compliments right now. Take it easy. Youâ€™ve known her for 12 minutes. Easy there.
-Andyâ€™s grandpa is a horny old coot. After Tessa leaves the room, gramps gives his thoughts to Andy on the tail that he just brought home. â€œBack in my day, she wouldâ€™ve appealed to me too.â€ Wow. Calm down, old man. I donâ€™t think Viagara works on 80 year olds. Does it? Maybe it does. Thatâ€™s the only way Hef would be able to pleasure Holly I would imagine. You know, since Kendra and the other chick are too busy having sex with each other. Just someone tell Andyâ€™s grandpa to be careful. Too much blood flow to one region for a man his age can really cause some serious damage. Keep it in your pants, pappy. This one is Andyâ€™s.
-Andy makes his parents share how they met each other, since theyâ€™ve been married 36 years, and I guess weâ€™re all supposed to bow down to them or something. Andyâ€™s dad tells the story of how his roommate was dating Andyâ€™s momâ€™s soon-to-be roommate. It was a double date, they met at the library in the reference section, and he claims it was love at first site. Cynthia says â€œIt took me a while to warm up to you.â€ I canâ€™t see why. Especially if he had the charm and personality and humor that he handed down to his son. Im surprised you to didnâ€™t go at it right there by the Dewey Decimal system. Do they even have that anymore? I havenâ€™t been in college in 10 years, and frankly, Iâ€™ve had no reason to visit a library since I left school. And to be honest, I had no reason to go the library while I was in school either. Do they still have microfilm at the library?
-Grandpa seems to be very interested in asking each of the ladies what religion they were brought up. Since Andy comes from a very conservative, boring, bland, vanilla background, theyâ€™re family is not interested in someone whoâ€™s wild and crazy and likes to have sex in multiple positions. They are strictly a missionary family. Tessa says she was born and raised Catholic since she was young but hasnâ€™t been practicing. Oh I bet she hasnâ€™t. Little horndog. Are there any Catholics who are actually â€œpracticingâ€ Catholics? Iâ€™m certainly not. And frankly, I couldnâ€™t even tell you what it means. Bad boy, I know. Hey, I went to church two Sundays ago. Does that count for anything? No? Oh, ok. Well, I tried.
-Bevin immediately knows her past divorce and tramp stamp might not sit well with the fams. â€œI know theyâ€™re pretty conservative. I just hope I can fit in with them.â€ Yeah, donâ€™t bank on it, honey. Go over there to religious gramps, give him a big hug, then ask him what he thinks of the lower back tattoo. See if he has a heart attack right on the spot or if doesnâ€™t kick in until you leave. Youâ€™re gonna hold off on the tattoo? Ok, then just tell him what project youâ€™re working on for your job right now. Bevin: â€œIâ€™m actually studying the libido of women who are going through menopause.â€ Yeah, thatâ€™ll drive emâ€™ away. Mom: â€œI think Iâ€™m gonna go start dinner now.â€ Thatâ€™s some fascinating project Bevin is working on there. So many times Iâ€™ve lost sleep at night staying up trying to figure out why those 55 year old women that Iâ€™m constantly hitting on never want to give it up to me. So frustrating. Please Bevin, send me your results. I need to know if its me or just that they have the sex drive of a walnut.
-Grandpa is at it again with the religion question. And Bevinâ€™s answer practically does put him into cardiac arrest.
Bevin: â€œWell, my parents raised me in the Bahai faith.â€
Bevin: â€œThe Bahai faith. We believe in the equality of all people and that sort of thing.â€
Ah yes, thank you for the clearer description of what the hell kind of religion that is. â€œâ€¦.and that sort of thing?â€ Good job there. Iâ€™m sure they were completely sold after that. Iâ€™ve heard of most religions before- I couldnâ€™t tell you what most of them believe in- but Iâ€™ve heard of a lot of religions. I had never even heard in passing conversation before of the Bahai faith. Is it derived from Scientology? Will Tom Cruise be arguing with Matt Lauer over it anytime soon? I sure hope so.
-Bevin tells Andyâ€™s family that the moment that she fell for him was during the 3rd rose ceremony. Uh honey, they have no idea about the 3rd rose ceremony. That doesnâ€™t mean anything to them. They werenâ€™t there. Bevin: â€œWhen Andy pulled my hair behind my ear well, basically, I felt all mushy inside.â€ Man, it does not take much to pleasure Bevin apparently. Pull her hair back behind her ears and she might as well just throw her legs in the air, because its on like Donkey Kong. And you knew that the editing crew needed to get that clip in there since at the final rose ceremony, Andy pulls Bevinâ€™s hair behind her ear making everyone think he might pick her. Nope. It was just windy. Damn. That was cold. Might as well have just said, â€œPsyche!â€ while you were at it, Andy.
-After the girls leave, itâ€™s just Andy and his family left to gossip about each of the girls. Andyâ€™s mom thinks Andyâ€™s is more connected to Bevin. Clue #1 that Bevin wasnâ€™t getting picked. Well, technically that wouldâ€™ve been Clue #2. Clue #1 shouldâ€™ve been the reports on the internet for the last month that Andy picked Tessa. But mom definitely thinks Andy is more connected with Bevin probably because of the new phrase Andy threw out tonight, and that was their â€œelectric connectionâ€. Well, letâ€™s just be thankful where we only have one more episode where the word â€œconnectionâ€ will be thrown around. Only a 4 month break before we start hearing that stupid word again. Andy really seems to be into the whole electrical thing with Bevin. Donâ€™t know what that means. Maybe itâ€™s just that there connection is as strong as an electrical current. Or that they need batteries to show their love for each other.
-So Andy gets a last date with Bevin in Hawaii. He takes her on a helicopter that, frankly, she couldnâ€™t stop freaking out over. Kind of annoying. Apparently she doesnâ€™t like flying. And helicopters scared her even more. But man I wish he couldâ€™ve put a muzzle on her or something. That was rough. You know what I noticed Andy does a lot? He likes picking his girls up and swinging them around. Now, maybe Iâ€™m going to be incriminating myself when I say this, but what the hell? Iâ€™ve been in love before. Iâ€™ve had girlfriends before. However, I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ve ever once picked up my girlfriend and swung her around. Is that why Iâ€™m single? Is that whatâ€™s been missing from my repertoire this whole time? I havenâ€™t perfected the â€œpicking-her-up-and-swinging-her-aroundâ€ affectionate hug yet? Hmmmmâ€¦.maybe I should try that and see what happens. Donâ€™t most women not like being picked up? Isnâ€™t it some form of vulnerability that they donâ€™t like? Or am I missing something?
-During Bevinâ€™s date, Andy pretty much forces her to tell him if this is what she wants. You know, moving to Hawaii, being the girlfriend of a military man, and never getting to the altar with him. Sheâ€™s sold. Bevin: â€œThis is what I want. I want this with you.â€ Well, at least Andy knew he had one â€œyesâ€ to fall back on in case he couldnâ€™t get any answers out of Tessa. Good ploy, Andy. Iâ€™m sure you completely blindsided Bevin with that one. Yep, you did. Bevin: â€œAndy and I are on the same page. And Iâ€™ve never been like that with anyone before.â€ Oh câ€™mon, honey. I donâ€™t ex-hubby Pablo would be too pleased to hear that. You are just spitting in the face of Pablo and your 5 year marriage when you say something as ridiculous as that. Youâ€™ve known the guy six weeks for christ sakes. Shutup.
-Bevin buys Andy a gift to show her love for him. Itâ€™s an underwater watch that he can wear when their making out in the Jacuzzi. Whyâ€™d she get him the watch? Well, for one, he got her a watch earlier this season, which I had totally forgotten. Probably for lack of giving a crap. But also because she â€œwishes that I can make this moment stand still.â€ And the watch represented the time standing still. Get it? I did. And tears streamed down my face like a child who just fell off his bike. Yes, it was quite a touching moment to say the least. Time. Standing still. A watch. Breathtaking really.
-And if you thought that put me to tears, this next exchange almost had me balled up in the fetal position.
Bevin: â€œLt. Andrew James Baldwin. I love you.â€
Andy: â€œYou serious?â€
Bevin: â€œIâ€™m dead serious.â€
Bevin even says to the camera, â€œthereâ€™s no chance in hell Iâ€™ll be without a rose at the final rose ceremony.â€ That was probably Clue #3 she wasnâ€™t winning. Usually someone whoâ€™s that confident gets put back in their place. Good effort though, Bevin. Thanks for playing. There are some nice parting gifts for you in the limo. Some lotions, perfumes, soaps, a relationship book, a teddy bear, some Bon Bons, a vibrator – you know – all the essentials a single woman needs as she heads back home to enjoy single hood, divorcee style.
-Tessaâ€™s final date in Hawaii wasnâ€™t nearly as exciting. This is where I started the majority of my fast forwarding. So I apologize if I missed anything important while they were riding on the backs of horses. Iâ€™m sure that was riveting television. Back at the hotel, she tells him, â€œI feel like when Iâ€™m with youâ€¦..itâ€™s just right.â€ Awwwwww dammit! You donâ€™t know how bad I wanted her to tell him that when sheâ€™s with him, she feels that time stands still. How cool would that have been? And then she presents him with another watch that he could wear on his other wrist. And then he couldâ€™ve pretended that Bevin didnâ€™t say the same exact thing to him the night before and buy him the same exact gift. Darn. The good times we missed out on.
-She did buy him a gift though attached with a card. After he read the card, I think I fast forwarded because I didnâ€™t write down in my notes here what the gift was. Oops. Like it matters. She couldâ€™ve given him a seashell that she found 20 seconds before he walked in the door and he was still picking her. But the card was very sincere. It read something like: â€œYouâ€™re the best thing that couldâ€™ve come into my life right nowâ€¦..Donâ€™t want to continue this without youâ€¦..Donâ€™t want to go back to the life I was living before I met you.â€ Whoa. Can we get an explanation on that? What did that mean? Was she a homeless person? A prostitute? Drug addict? Who says that unless they were a panhandler or running from the law? That was a very curious statement to make to your future husband.
-The next 15 minutes was wasted on Andy going to buy the ring and the girls putting their makeup and dresses on and crying. A lot. Andy chose between a emerald cut diamond ring, a cushion cut diamond ring, or a round cut diamond. He chose the round. And the minute he picked it, I started going with the â€œ30 second skipâ€ on Tivo. Câ€™mon, câ€™mon, câ€™mon, câ€™monâ€¦letâ€™s get a move on here. Donâ€™t need to see all this pomp and circumstance. Letâ€™s get to the good stuff. Dump the one you told you loved yesterday and letâ€™s see her reaction. Bevin is in for a rude awakening I tell yaâ€™. I surely wouldnâ€™t want to be her right about now. For as much grief as I give the Bachelors on this show, I say it every finale, and Iâ€™ll continue to say it. I give them credit for somehow managing to dump these girls right to their face on national television. I certainly couldnâ€™t do it. Then again, I wouldnâ€™t do the show to begin with, but thatâ€™s another story for another day. I do not envy the position Andy is in by any means. Especially when the chick youre dumping has the ability to body slam you into the pool.
-Time for Bevin to get punched right in the gut. Andy: â€œYou are so beautifulâ€¦..electric connectionâ€¦.courage and strengthâ€¦.open up to meâ€¦.I love you tooâ€¦.finest line between somebody I love and somebody I love (wait, did he just drop the “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” line on her?)â€¦.hardest decision Iâ€™ve ever had to makeâ€¦.this is not a rejection (Itâ€™s not? Then what exactly would it be? A proposal?)â€¦Thereâ€™s somebody whoâ€™s touched my heart deeper (Ouch. Thatâ€™s gotta sting a little bit)â€¦..and Iâ€¦.(sniff, sniff)â€¦youâ€™re beyond amazing. You need to know thatâ€¦..â€ Wow. Tough times. That was not pleasant to watch. I seriously thought Bevin was going to slug him right in the face. The look in her eyes made me think sheâ€™d do something crazy. One last time before he put her in the limo. â€œI will never, ever forget you. O.k.?â€ I donâ€™t think Bevin ever uttered a word back to him.
-In the limo, Bevin starts throwing the pity party for herself. â€œI shouldâ€™ve known this is how it was gonna endâ€¦.I said things to him I normally donâ€™t say to guysâ€¦..I couldnâ€™t believe he was rejecting meâ€¦.love somebody and they donâ€™t love you backâ€¦.itâ€™s painfulâ€¦.This happens to me all the timeâ€¦.story of my life.â€ Huh? You go on reality shows all the time, make it to the final two, and get dumped? This happens to you all the time? Were you on â€œFlavor of Loveâ€ or something? I wonder why guys keep dumping Bevin according to her? Hmmmmâ€¦.someone needs to get to the bottom of this. Bevin Nicole Powers, you will find your man someday. I guarantee it. Why donâ€™t you give Pablo a call for some ex sex? Iâ€™m sure heâ€™d be down after you dissed him on national television. Give it a try.
-Tessaâ€™s up. Time to bring us to the moment weâ€™ve all been waiting for since she told that corny ass joke the first night out of the limo. â€œYouâ€™re everything Iâ€™ve been looking forâ€¦..elegant, sophisticatedâ€¦.feel like a kingâ€¦.so much in commonâ€¦.you know whatâ€™s special about today? Itâ€™s just you and me nowâ€¦..Iâ€™ve always imagined this dayâ€¦itâ€™s beyond my wildest dreamsâ€¦.Will you marry me?â€ Tessa said yes. Let the countdown begin before these two break up. I give it 3 months. And that might be a little generous. I would be SHOCKED if these two got married. SHOCKED. But hey, let them enjoy their little moment in the sun, let them rub it in Bevinâ€™s face in the â€œAfter the Final Roseâ€ show tonight, and Iâ€™ll be back tomorrow with my closing thoughts. Until thenâ€¦.