THE BACHELOR FINALE RECAP - 5/21/07
-So like previous Bachelor finale columns, this one will be a tad shorter since: a) there was a lot of fast forwarding done while watching it, b) there was a lot of fluffiness to the episode, and c) anyone who’s gone on the internet at all in the last three weeks could find out he picked Tessa. So in that sense, it was pretty anti-climactic. However, the finale was not without its cheesy moments, it’s utter ridiculousness, and without its crying. And crying. And more crying. I think even Host Chris cried. He and Andy must’ve had a moment their when they put their head on each others shoulders, got a good strong cry in, with Host Chris telling him, “I wish I could quit you.” Or something like that. Let’s get to the condensed version. I’ll definitely have a little to talk about tomorrow as well since the “After the Final Rose” is airing tonight. Did they even promote that? I fast forwarded a lot tonight, but I don’t remember seeing a commercial for that. Well, it’s airing tonight, so be sure to watch it. More sappiness.
-So each girl visited Andy’s home in Lancaster, PA. His mom, dad, grandfather, grandmother, and sister were there to grill each of them. Dad looks like Pat Buchanan, and grandpa must’ve been an interrogator in a previous life the way he shot questions at each girl. Way to go, old man. Andy’s mom, Cynthia, is definitely ready to marry off her son. Cynthia: “I have sensed that Andy’s ready to have a partner for a while now.” Yes, and his name is Gatsby. Or “Mitch Thrower” if you want to look him up on Wikipedia. That Mitch “Gatsby” Thrower sure has accomplished a lot in his life. If you can actually trust Wikipedia. And who can’t trust such a liable creation like that? I think I’ve seen different variations of my name appear on Wikipedia. Pretty cool how people can just write whatever they want about you with no repercussions. Hey, that’s basically what this column is.
-Cynthia is blown away by Tessa: “Forgive me Tessa for staring at you. You’re just so beautiful.” Hey, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong she is. Tessa’s cute. Beautiful? That might be pushing it a bit. But Cynthia can’t stop her gushing. “Tessa’s bright, poised, very natural, and real.” Um, ok. You can stop now, mom. Just because she’s your future daughter-in-law, doesn’t mean you have to shower her with compliments right now. Take it easy. You’ve known her for 12 minutes. Easy there.
-Andy’s grandpa is a horny old coot. After Tessa leaves the room, gramps gives his thoughts to Andy on the tail that he just brought home. “Back in my day, she would’ve appealed to me too.” Wow. Calm down, old man. I don’t think Viagara works on 80 year olds. Does it? Maybe it does. That’s the only way Hef would be able to pleasure Holly I would imagine. You know, since Kendra and the other chick are too busy having sex with each other. Just someone tell Andy’s grandpa to be careful. Too much blood flow to one region for a man his age can really cause some serious damage. Keep it in your pants, pappy. This one is Andy’s.
-Andy makes his parents share how they met each other, since they’ve been married 36 years, and I guess we’re all supposed to bow down to them or something. Andy’s dad tells the story of how his roommate was dating Andy’s mom’s soon-to-be roommate. It was a double date, they met at the library in the reference section, and he claims it was love at first site. Cynthia says “It took me a while to warm up to you.” I can’t see why. Especially if he had the charm and personality and humor that he handed down to his son. Im surprised you to didn’t go at it right there by the Dewey Decimal system. Do they even have that anymore? I haven’t been in college in 10 years, and frankly, I’ve had no reason to visit a library since I left school. And to be honest, I had no reason to go the library while I was in school either. Do they still have microfilm at the library?
-Grandpa seems to be very interested in asking each of the ladies what religion they were brought up. Since Andy comes from a very conservative, boring, bland, vanilla background, they’re family is not interested in someone who’s wild and crazy and likes to have sex in multiple positions. They are strictly a missionary family. Tessa says she was born and raised Catholic since she was young but hasn’t been practicing. Oh I bet she hasn’t. Little horndog. Are there any Catholics who are actually “practicing” Catholics? I’m certainly not. And frankly, I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Bad boy, I know. Hey, I went to church two Sundays ago. Does that count for anything? No? Oh, ok. Well, I tried.
-Bevin immediately knows her past divorce and tramp stamp might not sit well with the fams. “I know they’re pretty conservative. I just hope I can fit in with them.” Yeah, don’t bank on it, honey. Go over there to religious gramps, give him a big hug, then ask him what he thinks of the lower back tattoo. See if he has a heart attack right on the spot or if doesn’t kick in until you leave. You’re gonna hold off on the tattoo? Ok, then just tell him what project you’re working on for your job right now. Bevin: “I’m actually studying the libido of women who are going through menopause.” Yeah, that’ll drive em’ away. Mom: “I think I’m gonna go start dinner now.” That’s some fascinating project Bevin is working on there. So many times I’ve lost sleep at night staying up trying to figure out why those 55 year old women that I’m constantly hitting on never want to give it up to me. So frustrating. Please Bevin, send me your results. I need to know if its me or just that they have the sex drive of a walnut.
-Grandpa is at it again with the religion question. And Bevin’s answer practically does put him into cardiac arrest.
Bevin: “Well, my parents raised me in the Bahai faith.”
Gramps: “HAH?”
Bevin: “The Bahai faith. We believe in the equality of all people and that sort of thing.”
Ah yes, thank you for the clearer description of what the hell kind of religion that is. “….and that sort of thing?” Good job there. I’m sure they were completely sold after that. I’ve heard of most religions before- I couldn’t tell you what most of them believe in- but I’ve heard of a lot of religions. I had never even heard in passing conversation before of the Bahai faith. Is it derived from Scientology? Will Tom Cruise be arguing with Matt Lauer over it anytime soon? I sure hope so.
-Bevin tells Andy’s family that the moment that she fell for him was during the 3rd rose ceremony. Uh honey, they have no idea about the 3rd rose ceremony. That doesn’t mean anything to them. They weren’t there. Bevin: “When Andy pulled my hair behind my ear well, basically, I felt all mushy inside.” Man, it does not take much to pleasure Bevin apparently. Pull her hair back behind her ears and she might as well just throw her legs in the air, because its on like Donkey Kong. And you knew that the editing crew needed to get that clip in there since at the final rose ceremony, Andy pulls Bevin’s hair behind her ear making everyone think he might pick her. Nope. It was just windy. Damn. That was cold. Might as well have just said, “Psyche!” while you were at it, Andy.
-After the girls leave, it’s just Andy and his family left to gossip about each of the girls. Andy’s mom thinks Andy’s is more connected to Bevin. Clue #1 that Bevin wasn’t getting picked. Well, technically that would’ve been Clue #2. Clue #1 should’ve been the reports on the internet for the last month that Andy picked Tessa. But mom definitely thinks Andy is more connected with Bevin probably because of the new phrase Andy threw out tonight, and that was their “electric connection”. Well, let’s just be thankful where we only have one more episode where the word “connection” will be thrown around. Only a 4 month break before we start hearing that stupid word again. Andy really seems to be into the whole electrical thing with Bevin. Don’t know what that means. Maybe it’s just that there connection is as strong as an electrical current. Or that they need batteries to show their love for each other.
-So Andy gets a last date with Bevin in Hawaii. He takes her on a helicopter that, frankly, she couldn’t stop freaking out over. Kind of annoying. Apparently she doesn’t like flying. And helicopters scared her even more. But man I wish he could’ve put a muzzle on her or something. That was rough. You know what I noticed Andy does a lot? He likes picking his girls up and swinging them around. Now, maybe I’m going to be incriminating myself when I say this, but what the hell? I’ve been in love before. I’ve had girlfriends before. However, I don’t think I’ve ever once picked up my girlfriend and swung her around. Is that why I’m single? Is that what’s been missing from my repertoire this whole time? I haven’t perfected the “picking-her-up-and-swinging-her-around” affectionate hug yet? Hmmmm….maybe I should try that and see what happens. Don’t most women not like being picked up? Isn’t it some form of vulnerability that they don’t like? Or am I missing something?
-During Bevin’s date, Andy pretty much forces her to tell him if this is what she wants. You know, moving to Hawaii, being the girlfriend of a military man, and never getting to the altar with him. She’s sold. Bevin: “This is what I want. I want this with you.” Well, at least Andy knew he had one “yes” to fall back on in case he couldn’t get any answers out of Tessa. Good ploy, Andy. I’m sure you completely blindsided Bevin with that one. Yep, you did. Bevin: “Andy and I are on the same page. And I’ve never been like that with anyone before.” Oh c’mon, honey. I don’t ex-hubby Pablo would be too pleased to hear that. You are just spitting in the face of Pablo and your 5 year marriage when you say something as ridiculous as that. You’ve known the guy six weeks for christ sakes. Shutup.
-Bevin buys Andy a gift to show her love for him. It’s an underwater watch that he can wear when their making out in the Jacuzzi. Why’d she get him the watch? Well, for one, he got her a watch earlier this season, which I had totally forgotten. Probably for lack of giving a crap. But also because she “wishes that I can make this moment stand still.” And the watch represented the time standing still. Get it? I did. And tears streamed down my face like a child who just fell off his bike. Yes, it was quite a touching moment to say the least. Time. Standing still. A watch. Breathtaking really.
-And if you thought that put me to tears, this next exchange almost had me balled up in the fetal position.
Bevin: “Lt. Andrew James Baldwin. I love you.”
Andy: “You serious?”
Bevin: “I’m dead serious.”
Bevin even says to the camera, “there’s no chance in hell I’ll be without a rose at the final rose ceremony.” That was probably Clue #3 she wasn’t winning. Usually someone who’s that confident gets put back in their place. Good effort though, Bevin. Thanks for playing. There are some nice parting gifts for you in the limo. Some lotions, perfumes, soaps, a relationship book, a teddy bear, some Bon Bons, a vibrator - you know - all the essentials a single woman needs as she heads back home to enjoy single hood, divorcee style.
-Tessa’s final date in Hawaii wasn’t nearly as exciting. This is where I started the majority of my fast forwarding. So I apologize if I missed anything important while they were riding on the backs of horses. I’m sure that was riveting television. Back at the hotel, she tells him, “I feel like when I’m with you…..it’s just right.” Awwwwww dammit! You don’t know how bad I wanted her to tell him that when she’s with him, she feels that time stands still. How cool would that have been? And then she presents him with another watch that he could wear on his other wrist. And then he could’ve pretended that Bevin didn’t say the same exact thing to him the night before and buy him the same exact gift. Darn. The good times we missed out on.
-She did buy him a gift though attached with a card. After he read the card, I think I fast forwarded because I didn’t write down in my notes here what the gift was. Oops. Like it matters. She could’ve given him a seashell that she found 20 seconds before he walked in the door and he was still picking her. But the card was very sincere. It read something like: “You’re the best thing that could’ve come into my life right now…..Don’t want to continue this without you…..Don’t want to go back to the life I was living before I met you.” Whoa. Can we get an explanation on that? What did that mean? Was she a homeless person? A prostitute? Drug addict? Who says that unless they were a panhandler or running from the law? That was a very curious statement to make to your future husband.
-The next 15 minutes was wasted on Andy going to buy the ring and the girls putting their makeup and dresses on and crying. A lot. Andy chose between a emerald cut diamond ring, a cushion cut diamond ring, or a round cut diamond. He chose the round. And the minute he picked it, I started going with the “30 second skip” on Tivo. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon…let’s get a move on here. Don’t need to see all this pomp and circumstance. Let’s get to the good stuff. Dump the one you told you loved yesterday and let’s see her reaction. Bevin is in for a rude awakening I tell ya’. I surely wouldn’t want to be her right about now. For as much grief as I give the Bachelors on this show, I say it every finale, and I’ll continue to say it. I give them credit for somehow managing to dump these girls right to their face on national television. I certainly couldn’t do it. Then again, I wouldn’t do the show to begin with, but that’s another story for another day. I do not envy the position Andy is in by any means. Especially when the chick youre dumping has the ability to body slam you into the pool.
-Time for Bevin to get punched right in the gut. Andy: “You are so beautiful…..electric connection….courage and strength….open up to me….I love you too….finest line between somebody I love and somebody I love (wait, did he just drop the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line on her?)….hardest decision I’ve ever had to make….this is not a rejection (It’s not? Then what exactly would it be? A proposal?)…There’s somebody who’s touched my heart deeper (Ouch. That’s gotta sting a little bit)…..and I….(sniff, sniff)…you’re beyond amazing. You need to know that…..” Wow. Tough times. That was not pleasant to watch. I seriously thought Bevin was going to slug him right in the face. The look in her eyes made me think she’d do something crazy. One last time before he put her in the limo. “I will never, ever forget you. O.k.?” I don’t think Bevin ever uttered a word back to him.
-In the limo, Bevin starts throwing the pity party for herself. “I should’ve known this is how it was gonna end….I said things to him I normally don’t say to guys…..I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me….love somebody and they don’t love you back….it’s painful….This happens to me all the time….story of my life.” Huh? You go on reality shows all the time, make it to the final two, and get dumped? This happens to you all the time? Were you on “Flavor of Love” or something? I wonder why guys keep dumping Bevin according to her? Hmmmm….someone needs to get to the bottom of this. Bevin Nicole Powers, you will find your man someday. I guarantee it. Why don’t you give Pablo a call for some ex sex? I’m sure he’d be down after you dissed him on national television. Give it a try.
-Tessa’s up. Time to bring us to the moment we’ve all been waiting for since she told that corny ass joke the first night out of the limo. “You’re everything I’ve been looking for…..elegant, sophisticated….feel like a king….so much in common….you know what’s special about today? It’s just you and me now…..I’ve always imagined this day…it’s beyond my wildest dreams….Will you marry me?” Tessa said yes. Let the countdown begin before these two break up. I give it 3 months. And that might be a little generous. I would be SHOCKED if these two got married. SHOCKED. But hey, let them enjoy their little moment in the sun, let them rub it in Bevin’s face in the “After the Final Rose” show tonight, and I’ll be back tomorrow with my closing thoughts. Until then….
The Bachelor Links
-So each girl visited Andy’s home in Lancaster, PA. His mom, dad, grandfather, grandmother, and sister were there to grill each of them. Dad looks like Pat Buchanan, and grandpa must’ve been an interrogator in a previous life the way he shot questions at each girl. Way to go, old man. Andy’s mom, Cynthia, is definitely ready to marry off her son. Cynthia: “I have sensed that Andy’s ready to have a partner for a while now.” Yes, and his name is Gatsby. Or “Mitch Thrower” if you want to look him up on Wikipedia. That Mitch “Gatsby” Thrower sure has accomplished a lot in his life. If you can actually trust Wikipedia. And who can’t trust such a liable creation like that? I think I’ve seen different variations of my name appear on Wikipedia. Pretty cool how people can just write whatever they want about you with no repercussions. Hey, that’s basically what this column is.
-Cynthia is blown away by Tessa: “Forgive me Tessa for staring at you. You’re just so beautiful.” Hey, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong she is. Tessa’s cute. Beautiful? That might be pushing it a bit. But Cynthia can’t stop her gushing. “Tessa’s bright, poised, very natural, and real.” Um, ok. You can stop now, mom. Just because she’s your future daughter-in-law, doesn’t mean you have to shower her with compliments right now. Take it easy. You’ve known her for 12 minutes. Easy there.
-Andy’s grandpa is a horny old coot. After Tessa leaves the room, gramps gives his thoughts to Andy on the tail that he just brought home. “Back in my day, she would’ve appealed to me too.” Wow. Calm down, old man. I don’t think Viagara works on 80 year olds. Does it? Maybe it does. That’s the only way Hef would be able to pleasure Holly I would imagine. You know, since Kendra and the other chick are too busy having sex with each other. Just someone tell Andy’s grandpa to be careful. Too much blood flow to one region for a man his age can really cause some serious damage. Keep it in your pants, pappy. This one is Andy’s.
-Andy makes his parents share how they met each other, since they’ve been married 36 years, and I guess we’re all supposed to bow down to them or something. Andy’s dad tells the story of how his roommate was dating Andy’s mom’s soon-to-be roommate. It was a double date, they met at the library in the reference section, and he claims it was love at first site. Cynthia says “It took me a while to warm up to you.” I can’t see why. Especially if he had the charm and personality and humor that he handed down to his son. Im surprised you to didn’t go at it right there by the Dewey Decimal system. Do they even have that anymore? I haven’t been in college in 10 years, and frankly, I’ve had no reason to visit a library since I left school. And to be honest, I had no reason to go the library while I was in school either. Do they still have microfilm at the library?
-Grandpa seems to be very interested in asking each of the ladies what religion they were brought up. Since Andy comes from a very conservative, boring, bland, vanilla background, they’re family is not interested in someone who’s wild and crazy and likes to have sex in multiple positions. They are strictly a missionary family. Tessa says she was born and raised Catholic since she was young but hasn’t been practicing. Oh I bet she hasn’t. Little horndog. Are there any Catholics who are actually “practicing” Catholics? I’m certainly not. And frankly, I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Bad boy, I know. Hey, I went to church two Sundays ago. Does that count for anything? No? Oh, ok. Well, I tried.
-Bevin immediately knows her past divorce and tramp stamp might not sit well with the fams. “I know they’re pretty conservative. I just hope I can fit in with them.” Yeah, don’t bank on it, honey. Go over there to religious gramps, give him a big hug, then ask him what he thinks of the lower back tattoo. See if he has a heart attack right on the spot or if doesn’t kick in until you leave. You’re gonna hold off on the tattoo? Ok, then just tell him what project you’re working on for your job right now. Bevin: “I’m actually studying the libido of women who are going through menopause.” Yeah, that’ll drive em’ away. Mom: “I think I’m gonna go start dinner now.” That’s some fascinating project Bevin is working on there. So many times I’ve lost sleep at night staying up trying to figure out why those 55 year old women that I’m constantly hitting on never want to give it up to me. So frustrating. Please Bevin, send me your results. I need to know if its me or just that they have the sex drive of a walnut.
-Grandpa is at it again with the religion question. And Bevin’s answer practically does put him into cardiac arrest.
Bevin: “Well, my parents raised me in the Bahai faith.”
Gramps: “HAH?”
Bevin: “The Bahai faith. We believe in the equality of all people and that sort of thing.”
Ah yes, thank you for the clearer description of what the hell kind of religion that is. “….and that sort of thing?” Good job there. I’m sure they were completely sold after that. I’ve heard of most religions before- I couldn’t tell you what most of them believe in- but I’ve heard of a lot of religions. I had never even heard in passing conversation before of the Bahai faith. Is it derived from Scientology? Will Tom Cruise be arguing with Matt Lauer over it anytime soon? I sure hope so.
-Bevin tells Andy’s family that the moment that she fell for him was during the 3rd rose ceremony. Uh honey, they have no idea about the 3rd rose ceremony. That doesn’t mean anything to them. They weren’t there. Bevin: “When Andy pulled my hair behind my ear well, basically, I felt all mushy inside.” Man, it does not take much to pleasure Bevin apparently. Pull her hair back behind her ears and she might as well just throw her legs in the air, because its on like Donkey Kong. And you knew that the editing crew needed to get that clip in there since at the final rose ceremony, Andy pulls Bevin’s hair behind her ear making everyone think he might pick her. Nope. It was just windy. Damn. That was cold. Might as well have just said, “Psyche!” while you were at it, Andy.
-After the girls leave, it’s just Andy and his family left to gossip about each of the girls. Andy’s mom thinks Andy’s is more connected to Bevin. Clue #1 that Bevin wasn’t getting picked. Well, technically that would’ve been Clue #2. Clue #1 should’ve been the reports on the internet for the last month that Andy picked Tessa. But mom definitely thinks Andy is more connected with Bevin probably because of the new phrase Andy threw out tonight, and that was their “electric connection”. Well, let’s just be thankful where we only have one more episode where the word “connection” will be thrown around. Only a 4 month break before we start hearing that stupid word again. Andy really seems to be into the whole electrical thing with Bevin. Don’t know what that means. Maybe it’s just that there connection is as strong as an electrical current. Or that they need batteries to show their love for each other.
-So Andy gets a last date with Bevin in Hawaii. He takes her on a helicopter that, frankly, she couldn’t stop freaking out over. Kind of annoying. Apparently she doesn’t like flying. And helicopters scared her even more. But man I wish he could’ve put a muzzle on her or something. That was rough. You know what I noticed Andy does a lot? He likes picking his girls up and swinging them around. Now, maybe I’m going to be incriminating myself when I say this, but what the hell? I’ve been in love before. I’ve had girlfriends before. However, I don’t think I’ve ever once picked up my girlfriend and swung her around. Is that why I’m single? Is that what’s been missing from my repertoire this whole time? I haven’t perfected the “picking-her-up-and-swinging-her-around” affectionate hug yet? Hmmmm….maybe I should try that and see what happens. Don’t most women not like being picked up? Isn’t it some form of vulnerability that they don’t like? Or am I missing something?
-During Bevin’s date, Andy pretty much forces her to tell him if this is what she wants. You know, moving to Hawaii, being the girlfriend of a military man, and never getting to the altar with him. She’s sold. Bevin: “This is what I want. I want this with you.” Well, at least Andy knew he had one “yes” to fall back on in case he couldn’t get any answers out of Tessa. Good ploy, Andy. I’m sure you completely blindsided Bevin with that one. Yep, you did. Bevin: “Andy and I are on the same page. And I’ve never been like that with anyone before.” Oh c’mon, honey. I don’t ex-hubby Pablo would be too pleased to hear that. You are just spitting in the face of Pablo and your 5 year marriage when you say something as ridiculous as that. You’ve known the guy six weeks for christ sakes. Shutup.
-Bevin buys Andy a gift to show her love for him. It’s an underwater watch that he can wear when their making out in the Jacuzzi. Why’d she get him the watch? Well, for one, he got her a watch earlier this season, which I had totally forgotten. Probably for lack of giving a crap. But also because she “wishes that I can make this moment stand still.” And the watch represented the time standing still. Get it? I did. And tears streamed down my face like a child who just fell off his bike. Yes, it was quite a touching moment to say the least. Time. Standing still. A watch. Breathtaking really.
-And if you thought that put me to tears, this next exchange almost had me balled up in the fetal position.
Bevin: “Lt. Andrew James Baldwin. I love you.”
Andy: “You serious?”
Bevin: “I’m dead serious.”
Bevin even says to the camera, “there’s no chance in hell I’ll be without a rose at the final rose ceremony.” That was probably Clue #3 she wasn’t winning. Usually someone who’s that confident gets put back in their place. Good effort though, Bevin. Thanks for playing. There are some nice parting gifts for you in the limo. Some lotions, perfumes, soaps, a relationship book, a teddy bear, some Bon Bons, a vibrator - you know - all the essentials a single woman needs as she heads back home to enjoy single hood, divorcee style.
-Tessa’s final date in Hawaii wasn’t nearly as exciting. This is where I started the majority of my fast forwarding. So I apologize if I missed anything important while they were riding on the backs of horses. I’m sure that was riveting television. Back at the hotel, she tells him, “I feel like when I’m with you…..it’s just right.” Awwwwww dammit! You don’t know how bad I wanted her to tell him that when she’s with him, she feels that time stands still. How cool would that have been? And then she presents him with another watch that he could wear on his other wrist. And then he could’ve pretended that Bevin didn’t say the same exact thing to him the night before and buy him the same exact gift. Darn. The good times we missed out on.
-She did buy him a gift though attached with a card. After he read the card, I think I fast forwarded because I didn’t write down in my notes here what the gift was. Oops. Like it matters. She could’ve given him a seashell that she found 20 seconds before he walked in the door and he was still picking her. But the card was very sincere. It read something like: “You’re the best thing that could’ve come into my life right now…..Don’t want to continue this without you…..Don’t want to go back to the life I was living before I met you.” Whoa. Can we get an explanation on that? What did that mean? Was she a homeless person? A prostitute? Drug addict? Who says that unless they were a panhandler or running from the law? That was a very curious statement to make to your future husband.
-The next 15 minutes was wasted on Andy going to buy the ring and the girls putting their makeup and dresses on and crying. A lot. Andy chose between a emerald cut diamond ring, a cushion cut diamond ring, or a round cut diamond. He chose the round. And the minute he picked it, I started going with the “30 second skip” on Tivo. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon…let’s get a move on here. Don’t need to see all this pomp and circumstance. Let’s get to the good stuff. Dump the one you told you loved yesterday and let’s see her reaction. Bevin is in for a rude awakening I tell ya’. I surely wouldn’t want to be her right about now. For as much grief as I give the Bachelors on this show, I say it every finale, and I’ll continue to say it. I give them credit for somehow managing to dump these girls right to their face on national television. I certainly couldn’t do it. Then again, I wouldn’t do the show to begin with, but that’s another story for another day. I do not envy the position Andy is in by any means. Especially when the chick youre dumping has the ability to body slam you into the pool.
-Time for Bevin to get punched right in the gut. Andy: “You are so beautiful…..electric connection….courage and strength….open up to me….I love you too….finest line between somebody I love and somebody I love (wait, did he just drop the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line on her?)….hardest decision I’ve ever had to make….this is not a rejection (It’s not? Then what exactly would it be? A proposal?)…There’s somebody who’s touched my heart deeper (Ouch. That’s gotta sting a little bit)…..and I….(sniff, sniff)…you’re beyond amazing. You need to know that…..” Wow. Tough times. That was not pleasant to watch. I seriously thought Bevin was going to slug him right in the face. The look in her eyes made me think she’d do something crazy. One last time before he put her in the limo. “I will never, ever forget you. O.k.?” I don’t think Bevin ever uttered a word back to him.
-In the limo, Bevin starts throwing the pity party for herself. “I should’ve known this is how it was gonna end….I said things to him I normally don’t say to guys…..I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me….love somebody and they don’t love you back….it’s painful….This happens to me all the time….story of my life.” Huh? You go on reality shows all the time, make it to the final two, and get dumped? This happens to you all the time? Were you on “Flavor of Love” or something? I wonder why guys keep dumping Bevin according to her? Hmmmm….someone needs to get to the bottom of this. Bevin Nicole Powers, you will find your man someday. I guarantee it. Why don’t you give Pablo a call for some ex sex? I’m sure he’d be down after you dissed him on national television. Give it a try.
-Tessa’s up. Time to bring us to the moment we’ve all been waiting for since she told that corny ass joke the first night out of the limo. “You’re everything I’ve been looking for…..elegant, sophisticated….feel like a king….so much in common….you know what’s special about today? It’s just you and me now…..I’ve always imagined this day…it’s beyond my wildest dreams….Will you marry me?” Tessa said yes. Let the countdown begin before these two break up. I give it 3 months. And that might be a little generous. I would be SHOCKED if these two got married. SHOCKED. But hey, let them enjoy their little moment in the sun, let them rub it in Bevin’s face in the “After the Final Rose” show tonight, and I’ll be back tomorrow with my closing thoughts. Until then….
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 1:27 AM
56 Comments:
Never heard of Baha'i!!. You oughta get out and up out more often from that couch. www.bahai.org, www.bahai.us
Love your recaps Steve (maybe more than the show itself!)..I will miss reading them on Tuesday mornings. Just an FYI..it's a "cushion" cut diamond...not a "Christian" cut...although that made me laugh out loud. Hey, you're a guy...not information that you really need to know. File it up there with the Bahai religion (I've never heard of it either). Anyway, have a nice summer and maybe a little Reality Recap once in awhile? Yeah, okay...I won't hold my breath!
I think Andy said There is Love and there is IN love... when breaking up with Bevin. JMO
You forgot to mention Andy's gramps observing that Bevin turns Andy on - which I'm sure Tessa was thrilled to hear.
- picking up a girl and swinging her around - no, not fun.
- telling them both he (frickin') loves them before the final ceremony - not cool.
- accepting a proposal from someone who supposedly loves both women - ick, ick and stupid.
- wishing Reality Steve lived closer to me so I could show him that not all women are looney - absolutely.
PS: Tessa gave him a picture/collage she made representing their time together in their "magnificent journey". I think that may have been his deciding factor.
Seriously, I don't understand how Tessa is going to stay with Andy, be happy with him, etc after she's watched him tell Bevin on national television HE LOVES HER. And all the comments about how "electric" they are together and how she totally turns him on?!?! Creepy!!!!
I think he picked Tessa because she has the background he was looking for in a wife. His parents bragged about going to Cornell, Andy went to Duke so to them Middlebury and Columbia fill the bill. Bevin is probably like the women Andy has met on the Triatholon circuit, who obviously weren't good enough to him and that's why he wound up on a reality "looking for love" show. JMO.
Steve...thanks for another great recap. I really laughed out loud reading your comments (especially your description of Andy's grandfather and Bevin's screaming about the helicopter.) Your comlumn is MUCH BETTER than the Austin guys. Thank you for writing it!
Tessa and ANdy will be fine together. She is as boring as he is. Bevin would have been a psycho wife. She'd be calling him while he's on the ship telling him that he HAS to come to her right then because she NEEDS him. Tessa won't even notice he's gone!
I love your spin on Andy and his exploits. I've never been one to watch this show, but I got hooked because I wanted to see if ANY of those women ever wondered why the hell was he on the show in the first place? Andy's got to be gay! Why else would be need to be there? He could get chicks, fall in love, and find a wife on his own if he was sincerely interested in that. I never bought the line that he was seeking a wife. Perhaps he's seeking a Hollywood contract or a political carreer? Or all of the above? I totally thought Tessa would see right through him, and the only reason why I stayed watching is because I was hoping she would. Guess all that glamour gets you blindsided. Thanks for giving anyone who's willing to listen a realtiy check. MPN
From last week's column "The internet is never wrong." ... Ooops. I was actually surprised when she accepted.
You called the ring "christian" cut? LMAO no wonder you're single.
Women DO like to be picked up. It makes us feel secure and tiny. What woman doesn't love to feel tiny?
Women DO like to be picked up. It makes us feel secure and tiny. What woman doesn't love to feel tiny?
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anyone who paid the slightest attention to the women's lib movement
Another great recap Steve!
Did you or anyone notice when Andy left Bevin's apt. that he had some "wet spots" all over the back of his pants? What was that? Did I just see a shadow or was there really something on his pants?
Just wondering if anyone noticed.....
Seriously horn dog gramps was the biggest creep out factor in a show filled with creep outs! I do give Bevin credit for not saying anything to Andy. I ended up actually liking Bevin after having been so annoyed by her whining throughout the season. She revisited the whining thing with her limo pity party. Get over it, Bevin - your life will be better off without this guy. And, the chick who utters the muffin joke upon meeting gets picked as wife material? Unbelievable. Tessa is pretty, I will give her that, but how does anyone label her as classy? I assure you that if these two marry and have children (which they won't), their kids will have some serious speech impediments...
Yeah Bevin gave a louzy explanation about her faith "...things like that' hahah.
Read more about the bahai faith on www.bahai.org. And no it is not weired like scientology. It is a world religion with about 10 million believer all over the world. It is an all-embracing faith with principals that can be applied to todays life.
Love your column Steve-please keep writing for the next 20 years that this show is on the air. To comment on several comments listed below- I also noticed the wet spots on Andy's pants as he left Bevin's room-nasty!
The whole picking us up thing-totally cheesy. It is awkward and annoying!
Andy and Tessa were on The View this morning and they were drilling them with questions about sex and marriage- their responses;
"I am moving to Hawaii"
"We have not picked a date"
"Look at this ring (that I did not have to pay for!)- this means commitment and we will be getting married"
they asked them if they have sex during the fantasy dates and they said that the dinners lasted until 3 am, so by the time they get to be together without the cameras they are just ready to do some serious talking.
Please!
Steve-you would love the insight that Andy gave the viewer during The View. He informed us that there were hours of conversations that he had with these women that did not make the show. Really, Andy? I thought that the dinners were 4 minutes long and that they only saw each other on Mondays?!
http://www.bahai.us/node/211
cool interview
hey =)
the thing is bevin wasnt wrong with how she described her religion. she just wasnt..complete enough. and also, since this religion is only about 200 yrs old then its pretty much okay that you havent heard about it before. see, i dont think many people in the world had heard about islam or christianity 200 years after they were created, right?
anyways it has nothing to do with scientology, no worries =)
www.bahai.org is a pretty good source. or you can check out the UN website =)
Andy is too touchy-feely. Did you notice how he put his hand on his mother's thigh like she was his gf? Then he did it to Grampa..what the?
He should have never told Bevin he loved her.
He had to have known a couple weeks ago who he was leaning toward...he certainly didn't make the decision while on his "run" the morning of the finale. He knew he was going to choose Tessa...so why not just keep his mouth shut and say nothing back to Bevin? It didn't seem very honorable to me....and he should be ashamed of himself. And...you are correct...Bevin never uttered a word to him. He even asked her if she had anything to say...and she kept quiet. Good for her...he wasn't worth any words. I give him and Tessa a couple weeks at most.
"anyone who paid the slightest attention to the women's lib movement"
Right. Go put on your birkenstock's and get back to your taco.
I somehow managed not to find out in advance, but I just couldn't imagine him picking Bevin so I figured Tessa was a sure thing. Except that they really don't seem to have ANY chemistry at all. The awkward, tight lipped kisses, the even worse verbal interplay. Ugh. So painful to watch. Oh, and congrats to ABC for perfecting the weather machine - blusterly looking weather for Bevin and a beautiful sunset for Tessa.
Right. Go put on your birkenstock's and get back to your taco.
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great comeback, you tiny hater!
- When he did not pick the cushion cut ring, I had to write him off and anything he did after that. The guy is clearly an idiot. A free Chopard ring and you go for the boring, smaller round-cut?
- Tessa's collage reminded me of 7th grade love. In fact, I may or may not have made one of those back in the days for a very special middle schooler... *sigh*
- I'm not really sure what the best response is when someone tells you they love you and you just think they are alright. "Gee...thanks!"? I mean, in that moment, when you know you both are being filmed and don't want the person to look like an emotive sucker, you either say, "I love you back," or don't go on reality shows that would put you in this predicament (I'd go with the latter).
Anywho's back to work.
www.bahai-faith.com
for real info on the bahai faith and not the bahai propaganda.
Andy is so lucky to not have gotten to the marriage proposal with her.
The Bahai Faith would have been the kiss of death for sure.
Besides of which they would have to have gotten permission from her and his parents before they ever announced their engagement. Bahai Law.
When you called Wikipedia "liable" did you mean "reliable" as a sarcastic joke about its accuracy? Because, I suppose your accuracy is so above reproach? That's when I stopped reading.
Well, Hef is 81 and uses the little blue pill, so I don't see the problem since he's getting more than I am...
Damn I was looking forward to comments on last nights reunion.
i also was looking forward to comment on the "after the rose" show. I thought it was interesting and thought bevin took the high road
I thought Andy and Tessa seemed to be really in love, moreso than any past couples I've seen on the aftershow. Maybe realitysteve couldn't think of anything mean to say about them so he just skipped it.
Re: the above few comments, ditto for me; we need our fix of RealitySteve!
I also give kudos to Bevin for the way she conducted herself. I wish her well.
What was missed last night was holding that crazy Stephanie South Carolina accountable for her behavior. What a prize she is.
I don't know, I would hope that realitysteve is taking his time figuring out how to comment on the outfits alone. Hell, since I'm tired of waiting, I'll do it myself!
Bevin - you're going on national tv, I'm assuming you knew that you were going to be on camera, not meeting Andy behind the scenes. WHY the horizontal jailbird stripes? Why? Sure, you'd look pretty in a paper bag, but I don't suggest you wear one.
Tessa - do us all a favor and never dress like you're a member of the Supremes again.
Finally, I'm women's libber-ish and don't mind being picked up and swung around at all. Real feminists probably don't watch this show, unless it's for a class.
Who dressed them? Did Danielle and Bevin gain weight? I mean they are both very pretty but looked like they put on a few pounds. In the past didn't all the girls go on the AFR show? Bevin really handled herself well. Andy and Tessa are both Dorks so I think it will work out!
The girls from past season doing the comments at the end damn Sadie and Susan are on fire and Krisily looks like a 45 year old soccer mom. They also said Charlie and his girl are still together..I thought I read here before that they were split.
Steve - you are the best! Please give us our fix and post on the show from 5/22!
did you guys see that outfit Stephanie from SC wore...yikes !!! was it lingerie? Not at all pretty!
Did Sadie get new boobs?
did anyone see how Andy kept putting his hand on Bevin's knee and she kept politely moving it off?
I think it would have been great to see Kate (the girl that started the rumors in Tahoe) come on the After The Rose special last night. I wanted to see what she had to say about Andy.
Or what about that girl who freaked out on the 1st episode and wanted to go home. forgot her name. maybe just as well. :)
did anyone notice that Andy was practically in Tessa's lap during the ATR special last night? He is a very touchy feely kind of a guy?
Steve - where are you?
Here's my take on Dandy-- He goes on this show to build his public persona because not only does he not want to stay in the Navy for life but he doesn't necessarily want to practice medicine either. He needs the show to succeed and knows it has to have a great happy ending to get good ratings. He keeps Bevin around and strings her along because until the last date with Tessa he doesn't know if Tessa will say yes. I don't think there is much of a chance their relationship will succeed longer than a year. Tessa still seems pretty young and not sure what she really wants, but following Andy's ego around probably won't satisfy her in the long run.
Found this site from a Baha'i blog, where the problem is the other way around (What's "the Bachelor"? Who's "Bevin"?). Bevin says she was RAISED Baha'i, not that she IS Baha'i, which is important because the Baha'is do try to maintain their boundaries (kind of like the Mormons).
If you've never heard of the religion, they follow a 19th century Persian prophet called Baha'u'llah. It's basically a spin-off of Islam. It uses a lot of universalistic language--saying that humanity is one, all religions are one, etc.--but is mainly about obeying the authorities of the religion (including the current leadership).
Some stray details that may be relevant: The Baha'i writings forbid premarital kissing (let alone anything more than that). Marriage requires the permission of all living parents, plus 19 miqthals (Persian unit of measurement) of gold. Divorce is only possible after a "year of waiting".
Hark, reality boy -- what happened? Are you okay? Where art thou?
Your recaps are great. But you skipped the part about how Andy made such a point of having his parents talk about how they met at Cornell. Like he was bragging about the school, not just explaining the meeting. And when he described Tessa to them, he was very specific in mentioning the schools she attended. All he said about Bevin is that she is going to work on her masters. Education, specifically Ivy league, is important to him. Also, since Tessa is connected, fancy private schools and all, and given that Andy's dad is/was a politician. I think Tessa was the clear choice. Andy is setting up for a career in politics. He should be able to retire from the Navy soon, with 20 years under his belt. We will hear of him in politics, I bet.
STEVE Where are you? Please don't make us beg!
After the Rose was not on TV on Tuesday according to my local listings!! Steve, you MUST do a recap!! help, I need after the rose wrapup bloggning. Please, give me my fix!!
"What woman does not want to feel tiny?" Well, I'm NOT tiny. Im a very tall woman and have no problem not feeling "tiny". I have not been "tiny" since I was about 3. And it really doesn't bother me. I look better in clothes than "tiny" women and I can always see over others' heads in a crowd. And I'm good at sports. Kind of makes up for the inability for guys to pick me up and swing me around.
Steve an ATR recap would be "amazing" and help us to complete the "journey" we've taken with you. I feel a "connection" when I read your witty comments and it wouldn't feel "complete" unless you wrote one.
Andy was stringing Bevin along because he wasn't sure how Tessa felt about him and he didn't want to look like the jerk he is if he proposed to her and she turned him down. So if Tess hadn't come through and let him know for certain she would say yes he would have chosen Bevin. That should make them both feel special. He said as much on the After the Final Rose show.
I was never a Bevin fan but I was impressed with the way she handled herself when Andy shot her down. "This isn't a rejection." Well then WTF is a rejection like, Lieutenant Dumb Ass?
He was even more creepy on the Women Tell All show. Bevin really took the high road. She'll find someone much better than Andy.
Steve,
I know you are probably busy, but we are worried about you. We are waiting for your "amazing" recap of ATFR!
Wow Steve! You got women begging for you. Must feel so nice and studly. But I do agree, where are you? Your comments are hilarious and I would love to hear your take on what happened. Oh, and for the gal who didn't get to see the After the Rose, ABC has it posted. Finally got to see it and it was pretty amazing. But what the heck is it with the two of them and loud kissing?!
The morning news show on the local station in Los Angeles, KTLA had Andy on a couple of weeks ago. Yesterday they showed the clip from ATFR of Andy with Bevin. After the clip the anchors were laughing and commenting that they "hope Bevin knows she came out the winner in all of this!"
ok I just saw a commercial for a new reality tv show called the AGE OF LOVE ... its about this bachelor tennis star gets to choose from a group of women in their 40s and women in their 20s....
Steve you need to do this one...its sure to be filled with lots of cat fights !!! it starts Mon, Jun 18th.
Stay hard, keep jammin', and we'll see ya!
Don't worry -- I have never even heard of a "cushion" diamond either. Haven't been in the market for a diamond lately, I guess.
I may be the only person who didn't know who he was going to pick because I didn't read up on it. I was TOTALLY blown away when he picked Tessa -- or should I say his family picked Tessa -- I do think he left it up to them who he would choose. Bad move. If he does marry Tessa, he'll be at Bevin's door shortly thereafter -- good story for The Enquirer!
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