Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 7/12/07

AGE OF LOVE

-You know what I think my favorite part about “Age of Love” is? That cheesy ass 80’s theme song. By next week, I’ll have memorized all the words, but for now, all I know is “Who’s got the look….got the look…..the look of love!” Catchy, huh? Ok, maybe not, but it sure runs through my head the rest of the night after watching the show. Who wrote that crap? They actually got paid for it? I promise, next episode, I will rewind as much as I have to so I can get all the lyrics to that Grammy winning solo. You won’t be disappointed. Trust me. The guys who wrote “This Is My Now” for Jordin Sparks are saying, “Wow. What cheesy lyrics!”

-Something is happening on this show that I’m sure not a lot of you have picked up on yet. And it’s a first, not only in reality television, but ANY type of television over the last 50 years. Mark Consuelos is getting shorter every episode. Has this ever happened on television before? You know, we see young kids grow up on television and their voices change, they get taller, they develop breasts, etc…Consuelos is going the other way. At least put him in some pumps. Or maybe bring out a couple phonebooks. Maybe a step ladder. Here’s my question: Have Consuelos and the Mayor of Munchkin Land ever been seen in the same room at the same time? Ah ha! Didn’t think so. Someone needs to investigate this.

-Frankly, I’m shocked that Adelaide is no longer on the show. She was the best looking “kitten” they had, and from what we’ve seen, seemed to be the most normal. I have no idea was Mark was thinking on that one. Says he didn’t feel anything when they kissed? Huh? I felt it, and I was sitting on my recliner half naked eating a box of wheat thins and string cheese. I don’t know where Mark’s head is sometimes. Although Adelaide is the weirdest name I’ve heard for a hot 25 year old. Your maid should be named Adelaide just like in “Diff’rent Strokes”. Tessa’s gone too? Not that I’d ever thought she’d win because her breasts might melt in the sun if it gets too hot, but I surely thought Mark would keep her and her flotation devices around. I actually thought Tessa had an extremely attractive face. But her fun bags were just TOO big. You can’t have DD’s when you’re a size 2. Looks way too disproportionate, and frankly honey, you look like a stripper. But hey, maybe that’s the look she’s going for. I could definitely see her in clear heels someday.

-Let’s break down the chances of the girls remaining on the show:

Mary: B****, stop crying. 100-to-1.

Megan: Considering she just had her senior prom a week ago, and even though Mark likes them young and dumb, I’d say she has a very slim chance of getting to the finals. 200-to-1.

Amanda: Sometimes I think Amanda looks really good, and sometimes I think she has horse face. But she’s definitely going to be the final kitten left, just based off who her other two competitors are. 1-to-1.

Maria: A week ago she didn’t even want to be there. How she’s made it this far, I have no idea. 100-to-1.

Jennifer: I’m assuming Mark wants kids. Jennifer is 48 with a 25 year old son. And I’m guessing she’s had the tie job done. There’s no way he picks her if he wants kids. 200-to-1.

Jayanna: Yet another no brainer for the finals. Barring her having a third nipple or something, she’s a shoe-in to face Amanda for the right to Mark’s heart. God, that sounded corny.

-I liked how last episode they had to compete in the mini triathlon to get some alone time with Mark. They had to bike, then run, then paddle out on a surfboard to Mark who was supposedly “miles” off shore. Huh? Did you see where he was? I’m guessing he was maybe a couple hundred yards off shore, yet Consuelos is trying to convince us these women had to paddle halfway across the Pacific to get to him. Like I’ve said, I really enjoy this show much more for the comedy aspect of it all than to see if Mark finds love. I could care less who he chooses since I know it’ll never last. And I think this show understands that too, which is why they tend to focus on the comedic points in the show.

-No matter what Mark says about wanting to settle down, and blah blah blah, the fact is he’s been linked to Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, and Anna Kournikova, and was once engaged to a 20 year old model, who he started dating when she was 18, the guy obviously is not done chasing skirt. And let’s not forget one of the most important factors in all of this: he’s a professional athlete. And last time I checked, the job of a professional athlete, other than to be good at what they do, is to chase tail by any means necessary. Although, I use the term “professional” loosely with Mark. He currently isn’t even ranked in the Top 100 tennis players in the world, and has only won one tournament since 2003. To say his career is on the downside is an understatement. Basically, he sucks.

-And here’s an interesting side note. Jayanna was 39 years old all during the filming of this show. Yet she turned 40 on June 15th according to NBC’s website, so she’s been 40 the whole time we’ve been watching the show. Yet, they keep showing her age at 39. Why is that? She’s 40. Maybe it’s to throw us off. Maybe it’s to make her seem younger. Or maybe it’s just so that idiots like me can even struggle with such a meaningless, inane question. Just wanted to point that out. Jayanna, you’re 40. Deal with it. I’ll now continue on with my life.

ON THE LOT

-Do you know what has becoming the #1 thing to look forward to in this show every week? Adrianna’s outfits. Sometimes she looks like she wants to show us as much of her breasts without actually showing them to us, and other times she wears dresses that look like nightgowns. But you know what? Keeps me interested. Like there’s any other eye candy to look at on that show. I know Carrie Fisher is older and heavier now, but seeing her on this show has ruined all the original Star Wars movies for me. There isn’t a boy in America who didn’t fantasize about Princess Leia at some point in their lives. And on more than one occasion. Now I go back and watch “Empire Strikes Back”, and all I can think of is her sitting on her seat judging this mediocre show. Blech. Sorry Carrie. I no longer have impure thoughts about you and the Dagobah system.

-Just out of curiosity, this is a filmmaking show correct? They’re trying to find America’s next great filmmaker to my understanding, right? Then why do all these filmmakers make 3 minute movies that bore me to tears? Who did the one about trees? Why is all the acting, for the most part, sub par? And how did Will Smith’s youngest sister on the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” end up on this show? Same with the dad from “Family Matters” who was also in “Die Hard”? I’d say your acting career has hit a major skid if you were once on a network television show that’s now in syndication, and now you’re having to act in 3 minute movies for overwhelmed wannabe directors.

-Now, are all of the films terrible? No. There have been a couple that piqued my interest. But in general, I’d say 90% of them are below average and not worthy of receiving a contract to work at Dreamworks. And have you ever listened to some of the criticism that Carrie Fisher gives? She’ll start off with “Great job”, and then go into about 2 or 3 things that she didn’t like about the film, and then finish up with a “…but I liked it. Good job.” Huh? Has the dark side finally gotten to her? I’m sorry, I can’t refer to her as Carrie Fisher anymore. She’s is, was, and will always be Princess Leia. Even though she looks like Leia’s great grandmother right now. She even still tries to act like Leia. Did you see her a couple weeks ago sitting in her chair with both legs crossed under her? And then last week, her bra was showing. Leia, you’re no longer Annakin’s daughter and Luke’s sister. You’re an older, wrinkly woman judging a bad reality show.

PIRATE MASTER

-I still watch this show every week so it holds over my “Survivor” fix until the fall, but man, I want something exciting to happen. Seems like the same thing, every week. The problem I have with this show is the challenges. Both teams compete against each other on the same exact challenge looking for the same exact treasure. So even though it hasn’t happened yet, technically can’t you just follow the other team if they’re ahead of you and just copy what they’re doing? I think to improve things, they should both have separate treasures to find, and whoever makes it back to the boat first wins. Looking for the same treasure is stupid because both teams always end up both digging against each other at the end. Ahhh, what the hell. No one’s watching this show anyway. Let’s move on.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT

-Is it just me, or are this season’s finalists so far not nearly as entertaining as last seasons? I’m thinking about the show right now, and I can’t think of one act that stands out above the rest. Last year, you had Bianca Ryan, the little yodeling girl, the magic act where they changed clothes every 5 five seconds, and violinist family that danced irish jigs while they played the violin. Who’s good this year? I certainly can’t think of anyone. If its one of those magic acts, we’ve seen it before. And none of the singers have blown me away either. I think they should just give the title to Leonid the Magnificent and be done with it. He’s the one guy everyone can remember from either season. That’s what you get for being such a freak show. What exactly was his talent this year?

-I liked Tuesday’s episode where they teased something “goes horribly wrong”. All it was was some guy trying to jump over some chairs and he fell on his face. They acted like the guy fell from the sky onto the stage and was paralyzed. And yet again, the shows editing is still at its all time worst. Or best, however you want to look at it. They show us before commercial an ambulance showing up and everyone with worried looks on their face. And obviously this guy wasn’t too hurt if he was willing to have a camera right in his grill while he has a neck brace on and is wheeled into the ambulance on a gurney. Please. If you mame yourself on a talent show, probably means you weren’t any good to begin with.

-When are any of the contestants gonna talk back to the Hoff about his drunken video that hit You Tube? That’s what I want to see. You know what the amazing part of that is? Not only did that video hit the web before the verdict of his custody battle for his kids was announced, he ends up getting FULL custody. Huh? What judge sees a drunk, stammering, half coherent Hasselhoff eating a burger being filmed by his daughter and says, “Yeah, this man is a good father. He gets full custody.” Was Anna Nicole’s crying judge the one who made this decision? The Hoff is one lucky individual. And not only that he won the custody battle, but that he’s even still pulling a paycheck from somewhere. Nice leather shirt, Hoff.

THE SINGING BEE

-Easily my favorite reality show of the summer season. And apparently everyone else’s too. It’s first episode was the most watched show so far this summer, and the most watched summer program since “Dancing With the Stars” debuted in 2005. And more good news for NBC: it was their highest rated summer show in the last 13 years! Look, it’s good. But it’s not THAT good. Or is it? Let’s face it, it combines two elements that have an unbelievable comedy factor attached to them: people who can’t dance but think they can, and people who think they know the words to songs but don’t. How can you go wrong there? I mean, did you see the premiere episode? All six people they called up on stage were all fresh off drinking a case of red bull, danced like complete spazzes, and were so excited to be there, I thought their head was gonna explode. This is truly a great show to watch.

-It also can be looked at as a social experiment. Where else do you get to see bad dancing, bad singing, karaoke, Joey Fatone, songs from 70’s and 80’s, and former high school nerds all collaborate on one show? I was giddy watching this train wreck on Tuesday night. Especially to the guy who won the $50,000. Is it just me, or did that guy know the words to every song ever made? Even the ones he got wrong he was only off by a word or two. And he was even singing the lines before the music got cut off. Congratulations, music geek. You might be 50 grand richer, but you sure came off like a total dweeb on national television. I hope your 4th grade class enjoyed watching their teacher sing Blondie songs on TV. And I hope you still have friends.

-Let’s be honest, is there anyone more annoying in this world than the drunk, or even sober, person at the bar who singing along with what the DJ is playing, yet doesn’t know any of the words? Usually, I want to take a drink and pour it over that persons head. Or just crack my beer bottle across their face and tell them to shutup. Now I can just sit in front of my TV and laugh at them. So in all actuality, this show really does save me a lot of money. And probably a lawsuit or two. No doubt in my mind this show is gonna get picked up for the fall and will be on more than one night a week come September, a la “Deal or No Deal”.

HEY PAULA

-Like many of you, I’m always asking myself the same question over and over and over. And of course, that question is: What is Paula Abdul really like? Ok, maybe I don’t. But I sure got my answer when I turned into this doozy that debuted a couple weeks ago. Holy smokes, she is crazy! And not “crazy” as in boozing, drug addict. Paula Abdul is crazy in that she likes the little old lady in your neighborhood that’s been single forever, sits on her wooden rocking chair all day knitting, and talks to her 17 cats. That’s Paula Abdul. Except she’s a little younger, wears more makeup, and makes a gazillion dollars a year. No joke here, I actually feel sorry for Paula after watching this show. She seems very lonely and very unhappy.

-Of course, she puts on a good face for the media sometimes, and acts like she doesn’t have a care in the world and she’s just this free spirited whipper snapper who likes to act goofy. But Dr. Reality Steve thinks that she acts this way to hide the fact she’s incredibly insecure (then again, who in Hollywood isn’t?), and that she hasn’t gotten any ass in a while. Although now apparently she’s dating some guy 12 years younger than her who co-owns a restaurant in West Hollywood. Why of course. Who doesn’t? I think anyone who’s ever been in a movie has some stake in some restaurant in the Beverly Hills/West Hollywood/Sunset/Santa Monica area. It’s the new chique thing to do. And if I spelled “chique” wrong, forgive me.

-For once, believe it or not, I actually believe something that a reality show is feeding me. I’m convinced when Paula acts all loopy and drunk on “Idol” that she’s not actually drunk. If you watch the show, you’ll realize this woman never sleeps. Either because of her schedule, or just the fact that she has a hard time doing it. Even though she knows lack of sleep makes her act like the crazy old lady in the wooden rocking chair, she still does it. Then she gets mad when the media makes fun of her for babbling incoherently on television. You can’t have it both ways, Paula. Either get your sleep and act like a normal person in front of the cameras, or continue doing what you’re doing, and don’t bitch when media types make fun of you.

THE HILLS

-I know this hasn’t started yet (only a month away), but seriously, has there ever been a more anticipated showdown in recent television memory than Lauren vs. Heidi – The Aftermath? I sure can’t think of any. Well, maybe Isiah Washington vs. his career, but that’s a whole other topic for another day. When we last saw these two on television, Heidi was moving out to live with Captain D-bag, and Lauren was moving in Audrina as her new roommate. Of course since then, we’ve seen in magazines and online, that Lauren, Audrina, and Whitney are all best buds, with Heidi and Spencer being the outcasts. And oh yeah, let’s not forget the giant rack that Heidi now has along with her new nose. To say I’m bumbling with excitement for this show to start would definitely be an understatement. This show can’t begin soon enough. Here’s the trailer for season 3 to hold you over until August 13th:

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1564353&vid=161479

-One thing I did want to mention was the clip we saw of Jason in there. Did any of you see article on him in “People” a couple weeks ago? I gotta say, he came off really well, he’s out of rehab, has taken responsibility for all his actions, hasn’t had a drink of alcohol since he left, and even found himself a new hottie. Believe it or not, I’m actually hoping this guy turns it around and doesn’t fall off the wagon. Of course, if he does, I’ll be the first to jump all over him. He came across about as sincere as you could be in the article. Let’s see if he holds up his end of the bargain and doesn’t turn into a lush again.

SCOTT BAIO IS 45.…AND SINGLE

-If that title alone doesn’t get your blood pumping, then nothing will. Yes, that is the name of his latest reality show which starts this Sunday on VH1. And yes, it’s already set to a Season Pass on my TiVo. And yes, I’m sure it’ll be equally as horrible as every other dating show out there. Courtesty of VH1.com, here is the episode 1 summary:

“….In order to figure out why he has been unlucky in love for the past 45 years, Scott Baio hires a life coach named Doc Ali. She tells him to take a two-month vow of celibacy, break off his relationship with his current girlfriend, and revisit some of his ex-girlfriends to help him figure out where he went wrong in his past relationships. Sue Carlson, his first serious girlfriend, tells him he has commitment issues and is always looking for “the next best thing”. Erin Moran, his “Happy Days” co-star and the girl he lost his virginity to, tells him he needs to face his fear of other people by joining her at an autograph signing.”

Seriously, anytime there’s a Joanie and Chachi reunion, I’m going to be there. And so should you. Set your TiVo’s.

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