Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 7/30/07

A lot to get to this week. Trista and Ryan had their baby over the weekend. Lindsay wears other friends pants that happen to have grams of coke in them. Britney went crazy and took her kids to Vegas. I discovered “Rock of Love” on VH1. And we have the debut date of “Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County” on MTV, which is replacing “Laguna Beach”. Yeah, Newport Harbor and Laguna Beach are essentially the same thing. No real big difference. Spoiled, rich, white kids who live just a little bit up the coast from the Laguna Beachers. Can’t wait to see that. But first, as I mentioned last column, I have more “Tales from the Gym”. It’s inevitable. It’s physically impossible to not go to the gym and have some story to tell afterwards – and I don’t even talk to anyone in there. Just do my workout and leave. Unbelievable.

-I’m always curious as to what type of music is playing at the gym. For me, I always have my ipod in regardless, but every once in a while, I’ll be able to hear what’s playing in the background. And let me just say, someone needs to tell Fergie to stop informing us how “Fergalicious” she is. That song is on EVERY DAMN TIME I’m in there. If there was ever a poster woman for a “butter face”, it’d be her. She looks like E.T. when Elliot and Gertie dressed him up with a blonde wig and lipstick. I can’t believe Josh Duhamel is wasting his time with that thing. There is absolutely nothing “licious” about Fergie. Great body, but for the life of me, you couldn’t pay me to have to look at her during sex. I’ll think of baseball or trucks or something. Blech.

-Now, I am no power lifter by any means. I go to the gym for cardio and weights to get toned, not to become a body builder. But there is nothing funnier than being at the gym watching the body builders go through their routine. And its especially funny when there’s a woman who walks by who’s half way decent looking. It’s like this is the last weight they’ll ever lift in their life. Straining, making noises, sweating profusely, then they’ll drop the weights really hard, and get up and do that body builder walk where their arms are way out to the side. It’s amazing to me how these guys can even reach their penis. Unless you’re doing it professionally for money, is there a reason you need to be that big? Do women like guys that look like they can bench press your car? Unless you’re a fitness buff yourself, seems like the answer to that would be “no”. Especially if you’re on the tiny, petite side. The sense of “Oh my God, this man would cut off all my circulation if he was on top of me” would seem to come into play.

-So what did I learn from television at the gym this week? Well, the Dow Jones took a huge plunge, the Iphone isn’t selling worth a damn like they expected it to, Michael Vick is a degenerate dog killer, Ellen loves dancing her whole show, “Passions” is still the most whack soap opera on television, and frankly, there’s nothing good on television at 2:00 in the afternoon – ever. Same shows, every day. Maybe I should just get a video ipod and get caught up on some shows or something. Ooooooh, you know what else I learned? That John Travolta is as gay as a parade. It was an old interview he did on “Ellen” when he was promoting that lame ass biker movie he was in. What has happened to Danny Zucko? And enough with that Kelly Preston front you’re putting on. No one believes that. He’s officially let the T-Birds down.

AGE OF LOVE

-When I tell you I’m gonna do something, I deliver. I told you last column I would have all the lyrics to “Age of Love’s” theme song, and by golly, I do. It actually pains me to type out these lyrics, but I’m a man of my word. Here you go…..

Mmmmmmmm…..Hmmmmm…..Whoa Whoa Whoa
Who’s got the look?! I don’t know the answer to that question
Who has the look?! If I knew I would tell you
What’s the look?! Looks for your information…
It’s the one thing…the one thing…that still holds true
That’s the look, that’s the look….The look of Love….
That’s the look, that’s the look….The look of Love….
That’s the look, that’s the look….The look of Love….

Ummmm, what the hell does that mean? Who wrote this, a 7th grader who just got his first girlfriend? Who’s the got the look? I’ll tell you who: none of the girls left on this show, that’s for sure.

-The one thing this show has preaches from its first episode is that they’re conducting a social experiment by asking the question, “Does age really matter?” Well, regardless of who he chooses, are we really going to get that question answered? I mean, Jennifer is 48 years old with a 25 year old son. I’m guessing it’ll be her and Amanda in the finals since Maria doesn’t even seem to like Mark, and I’m still trying to figure out what he even sees in her. She is the most unattractive of the cougars, by far. But whatever. This is a guy who’s dumped Adelaide, Tessa, and Jayanna. So who am I to say I know what he’s thinking. And we’ll get to Jayanna’s ouster in a second. I’m still in shock over that one. So if it does come down to Jennifer and Amanda, even though we haven’t heard him say one way or another (or maybe we did and I forgot), but I’m assuming Mark wants kids. If that’s the case, why would he choose Jennifer? I’m guessing Jennifer doesn’t want to be popping out another kid at the ripe ol’ age of 50. Just know that if Mark does choose Jennifer, then its completely staged for ratings. Because there’s not a chance in hell if he chooses her that they stay together. That’s obvious.

-Interesting note about Kelli who was eliminated a couple weeks ago. I must make an apology. I think I may have commented about how I didn’t think she was attractive at all. Or maybe something about her eyebrows. Whatever the case, I take it back. She is hot. She made an appearance on the “Chelsea Handler Show” this week and looked unbelievable. Probably lost a good 20 lbs since the show and her eyebrows weren’t halfway up her forehead. Wow. That’s a mighty fine piece right there. Looks even better than she did in these photos:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0111638/

Yes, that’s right my friends, she played Samantha Sanders on an episode of “BH 90210” 17 years ago. I knew I liked her for some reason. So since it was only one episode, was this a long lost sister of Steve’s that we never got to see? A cousin? I certainly can’t remember that exact episode, but hey, good to know she made an appearance on one of my Top 5 shows of all-time. And for the last time, the college years and on were much better than the high school years. You can’t convince me otherwise, so don’t try.

-Let’s go back a couple weeks with the elimination of our favorite whiny crier, Mary. Kinda shocked that she wasn’t able to take her elimination in stride, and walk away with her head up high. Ummmm…not so much. The buildup was hilarious. The show was saying, “The pressure is starting to get to Mary?” Huh? Starting to get to her? I think this woman was crying the minute she filled out her application to be on the show. What a wreck that woman was. Have we ever figured out why she cried so much? I think if Mary were to see two puppies playing in the grass with a rainbow in the background, she’d have the same reaction as if she just witnessed a double homicide. Control your emotions woman. But my mother always told me, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. So I will say this: Mary looked MUCH more attractive with straight hair than with the frizzies. Why it took her four episodes to go with that look is beyond me.

-I think my favorite date of the show so far was when Mark had the double date with Jayanna and Amanda. At the end of the date, they were both lying in the bed watching the movie with him. Jayanna was claiming that Mark was leaning more towards her and his back was to Amanda. Well, of course it was. He had to give Amanda a good enough angle for the reach around she had going. C’mon Jayanna. Don’t tell me you couldn’t see that happening? Amanda even admitted they were holding hands under the blanket. You really think that’s all she was doing? Why do you think she was so content with Mark leaning his head on Jayanna? Because if only Jayanna knew what Amanda had in her hands. I think that night alone showed where Mark is leaning in this competition.

-I thought Jennifer and Mark’s date was cute when he had her dress like a dominatrix and go motorcycle riding with him. I could’ve sworn at some point during the date, she was going to break out in song with a version of “Cool Rider”. And then when they were going down the road alone, she’d start straddling him and then he’d pop a wheelie. Then they’d make out as the sun was going down (oh wait, they did do that). Although, we didn’t get to see the scene where he dropped her back off at the gas station and he was confronted by the T-Birds and the rest of the Pink Ladies who started to question her loyalty to the club. That would’ve been so great, you don’t even know. And yes, I’ve completely lost my mind.

-Why is Maria still on the show? She’s wanted to leave twice, she’s told the other girls she was going to leave, then for some reason, keeps changing her mind, yet doesn’t even seem to like the guy. And on the flip side, I have no idea why he likes her. Anybody catch her act when they went hunting? What was that all about? Crying like a teenager when people wouldn’t listen to her, wrapping her legs around Mark when she was talking to him – what a looney. And after all this, he still keeps her. Did I miss something? Did she slip him a couple $100 bills? For christ sakes, Jayanna showed you her ass last episode, and you keep Maria around? I wish Mark all the worst with whatever happens to him after this show. Idiot.

-As for Jayanna, exactly what did she say that was so bad which warranted her getting booted? Didn’t she tell Amanda basically what everyone who watches these dating shows is usually screaming at the TV’s? How can you possibly think you’re falling in love with somebody you’ve known for a month on a TV show? Then that little stalker goes running to Mark telling him everything Jayanna says, and Jayanna gets booted. I guess Amanda’s plan worked, but good Lord, that made Mark look dumb. Jayanna didn’t say anything that most of the viewers hadn’t thought. Amanda: “I thought my kisses with Mark were special, but then wait, it’s not special if he’s doing it with everyone else.” Every season of every “Bachelor”, at some point, this always comes up. The insecure girl doesn’t like the fact that the guy she’s dating is seeing and making out with other people. For the life of me, I can’t understand this concept if these people know they’re on a dating show. If it bothers you that much, then leave.

ROCK OF LOVE

-Well, it was inevitable that I was going to come across this show. And I got all your emails telling me to talk about it. So yes, I‘ve seen “Rock of Love”, or as I like to call it, “Who Wants an STD from Brett Michaels”. Holy crap. I feel sorry for the families of these women. On the “Bachelor“, you have to win an obstacle course in the fastest time to get a date with Andy. On “Rock of Love“, all you have to do is get Brett hard by having phone sex with him. Yes, that’s right, a group date was determined by strapping some device (probably fake) onto Brett’s unit that measured blood flow. Then each girl go on the phone with him, and the top three girls that made his blood flow the most, got to go on a group date. Unbelievable. I cannot believe that was one of the activities they had to do. And I’m sure as the season goes on, that’ll be one of the tamer things they have to do.

-For those who have not seen this white trash version of “Flavor of Love” but about 10 times worse, let me just share with you some of the things that have been uttered over the first few weeks of the show. And these were just things that were said. Seeing some of the actions on this show might make your teenage son become a man in a matter of an hour. So read these quotes, then you make your decision if you would like to glue your eyes to this fiery 10 car pile-up on the freeway. Children, look away.

“I found this beautiful young girl to have lovely, hot breasts”
“I’m feeling extremely horny – I’m ready to explode”
“If you’ve got a nice rack, show ‘em”
“Complete hot, nasty, rock-n-roll sex”
“You do have a beautiful ass”
“She beat my penis to a pulp. It was basically a dry beating”
“I saw you suck his d**k in there!”
“Her boobs are circus boobs. They don’t even move. You can’t even play with those things.”

-So with those quotes, it should come as no surprise that since this show began airing, a couple of these girls dirty laundry has made it’s way to the internet. Man, where would we be if it weren’t for the internet? The things you can find on there. Anyway, seems that BOTH Brandi’s have a career in porn. And both are viewable on the internet. Ummmm….let’s just say that neither of these two women are against anything when it comes to relations with the male sex. And that’s putting it nicely. Since this isn’t a porn website, I’m not gonna give you any links as to where you can find this, just know it’s pretty easy. And that’s all that’s come out – so far. I’m guessing a few of these other women have a sketchy past to say the least. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if all of these girls weren’t either a stripper, a porn star, or did nude pictorials before. And I’m guessing all of them were missing a few hugs early in their childhood. Call me crazy.

-The concept of this show is mind boggling to me. Brett Michaels has been chasing skirt for the last 20 years, and has probably bedded more white trash in his career than you can shake a stick at. And basically he’s saying in this show, “Look, my life is one big party. If you can’t handle that, you don’t need to be with me. So if you don’t mind me screwing other women when I’m touring, and you can put all your jealousies and insecurities behind you, then I think we’re a good match for each other. Deal?” Sounds fair to me. Good job, Brett. How you convinced some network executive to put this on air is beyond me. But keep it coming since no one likes a good train wreck as much as I do. Except this is a tad bigger than a train wreck. It’s more like a nuclear bomb being detonated on American soil. In Valencia.

-Not that you should care who wins any of the other dating shows, but this is one where you REALLY don’t care who wins. I can’t believe they even bothered to throw “Love” in the title. The only love going on in this show is self-love. And love between two women. And group love. You get the point. The means more than outweigh the end when it comes to this show. We’ve already seen phone sex, the previews show us a glimpse of flag football in the mud, catfights, more girl on girl action, and a lot of drinking. A lot. Probably to the point of unhealthy, poisoning, “oh-crap-someone-call-an-ambulance-she’s-convulsing”. And if you thought, “Will you accept this rose?” was cheesy, is there anything that could possibly top, “Would you stay here and rock my world”? Didn’t think so. I don’t what I’d do without television. I may as well become a monk.

SCOTT BAIO IS 45.…AND SINGLE

-This is slowly becoming one of my favorite reality shows on right now. Not because it’s completely real or anything like that, but just because you get the sense that Scott isn’t acting for the cameras and putting on a show. Although, paying a stripper to leave and then ending a date early with a good looking woman isn’t the most sane thing to do. This show is completely different than what I originally thought it would be. I thought he was going to start dating a bunch of women for 8 weeks, and then decide if he wants to marry his girlfriend. Is it really good therapy to go back to all your ex-girlfriends and ask them what’s wrong with you? God, I couldn’t imagine doing that for the sole reason I don’t want to hear the answers.

-I’ve got nothing against talking to an ex, but geez, to have them dissect me in front of my face? Uhh, no thanks. I’ll take acupuncture instead. Is Scott really learning anything from this, or is he just doing this for the camera? He seems genuine, but remember, he’s an actor. An actor who hasn’t done anything worth a damn in about 15 years, but an actor nonetheless. How uncomfortable must it have been for him to reunite with Joanie? You could read his mind when he was sitting across the table from her. You know he was thinking, “I can’t believe I lost my virginity to her. What was I thinking? I look exactly the same as I did 20 years ago, and she looks 60. I’m Scott Baio b****.”

-So you’re trying to tell me that of all the women this guy has slept with through the years – the Pamela Andersons, the Denise Richards, the Heather Locklears – not once did he ever get crazy with Nicole Eggert? Please. I don’t believe that for a second. There is no way they didn’t sneak behind the set of “Charles in Charge” for a little nookie back in the day. No way. And I don’t care who he was with at the time, he cheated on all his girlfriends anyway. At least the guy admits to being a pig. He gets some credit for that, doesn’t he? If not, just know that he’s not fooling anyone when he says he and Nicole never played hide the pickle on set.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT

-Well, actually they don’t. A very mediocre group thus far. No one that really blows you away. And the funny thing is, the more they try and NOT be like “American Idol”, the more they become it. Of the five finalists we know of so far, four are singers. And I’m guessing we’ll get another four this week. Variety can only get you so far. Especially if youre doing a bunch of jumps and kicks and what not. How can you change that up? It’s the same act every week. So it’ll come as no surprise when your final two are probably singers. That beat boxer girl and maybe that real innocent looking one who sings country.

-If the show really wants to take itself seriously as America’s #1 talent contest, then why the hell are they letting through Kashef with the unibrow, and Boy Shakira? That’s talent? In what country? Certainly not this one. Have you watched what Boy Shakira/Boy Britney does? He lip synchs and dances horribly, but his appeal is because he’s fat and he’s a guy with a blonde wig, it’s supposed to be funny. Well, it isn’t. In fact, its embarrassing. The whole “fat guy dancing with his shirt off” is played out. It’s not funny anymore, and I’ll debate with you if it ever was funny to begin with.

PIRATE MASTER

-Definitely not a good week for this show. First, it gets cancelled. The remaining five episodes will be shown online at CBS.com 3am EST time Tuesday mornings. The ratings were in the toilet, and frankly, the show was too. I watched it, but I literally found myself dozing off at roughly the same point every episode. Just wasn’t interesting enough and too much of a “Survivor” rip-off but with weird rules and lame challenges. However, some worse news hit late last night, as it was announced cast member Cheryl, who was eliminated in the 4th episode, was found dead in her home on Friday night from an apparent suicide. Don’t go running and blaming the show or anything, although, I’m sure some media types will, but I guess her boyfriend committed suicide a couple months ago, so she wasn’t really in the greatest of places. Anyway, since this show is pretty much a moot point now, let’s move on.

ON THE LOT

-You know what the problem is with this show other than 80% of the movies aren’t very good? I never remember what each director had previously done, so it’s tough to judge them based off a whole body of work. Basically nobody’s work is ever memorable. And I’m still having trouble with their names. When you’re down to the final six, and you can’t name who’s who, that’s a problem. Needless to say, I’m not the least bit surprised that there’s not a female director left on the show. You could tell that was going to be the case right from the beginning. Even if any of the female directors were good, they probably wouldn’t have gotten this far. Just the way it goes sometimes.

-Adrianna is still looking every bit the pin up model as when the show started. They really do a good job on the double stick tape with her. Congrats to them. I’m still curious as to how she landed this gig. I have never seen her before on anything, and as you know, I watch A LOT of television. But hey, I’m sure she’s paid her dues, worked her way up the ladder in the entertainment business, and her looks have absolutely nothing to do with why she’s where she’s at right now. None at all. Uh huh. Keep eating that popcorn and stumbling over your cue cards honey. And remember the old adage if you’re a female broadcaster: The less clothing the better. Or something like that.

-I think Gary Marshall purposely drinks a bottle of scotch before the show starts. He’s got to be drunk, doesn’t he? You can’t tell me that ol’ coot is sober during that show. And whatever he’s having, I think Carrie Fisher is taking a couple swigs of it before the show as well. Last week her shoes were off, both her feet were on the chair, and she was pretending to make out with both Gary and whoever the B-list celebrity director judge was. The more I see her, the more my Princess Leia fantasies are a thing of the past. That’s a shame. Me and Leia, we were quite an item back in the day. I dreamt of many a night where we were alone together on Planet Endor. Ok, I’m grossing myself out now.

NEWPORT HARBOR: THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY

-Yes, just two days after the premiere of season 3 of the “Hills”, we get essentially “Laguna Beach 4”. They just moved everything to different high school with a different set of characters. Think you might not be sold yet? Take a look and count me in on Aug. 15th.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1565260&vid=164044

Is it Lauren, and Stephen, and Kristin, and the gang? No, but it sure as hell probably beats last season. I think we were getting tired of the Laguna scene anyway. I know! Let’s move 20 minutes north to kids just as rich, just as spoiled, except they have boat parties instead of beach parties! Hey, convinced me. I’m curious to see which little hot out of this group becomes our next Kristin Cavalleiri. Or even our next Lauren Conrad, as she moves up to L.A. after graduation to have her own spinoff show. You know it’s going to happen.

Well, that’s it for this week. Still working on something for the site, but I don’t want to jinx anything. I’ll let you know when the time is right. If it ever is. Until then, send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com, check out the Reality Steve MySpace page at myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week…..

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