Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 8/20/07

It’s been a couple weeks, and I never even covered the “Age of Love” finale, so I’ll get to that first. My TiVo is overflowing with shows right now, so pardon me if I don’t get to everything. And you think the summertime is where not a lot of television is going on. Not anymore. Every time I look, a new show is starting up that I want to check out. It’s really getting annoying. I mean, how is one supposed to juggle ten women at a time with all my shows going on? And by “ten women”, I mean “none at all”. So now it makes more sense. However, if by the small miracle ten women did appear in my life, they’d still have to deal with me watching my shows. Sorry ladies. Those are the rules. So with that temptation, take a number and get in line.

AGE OF LOVE

-Can’t really say any of us were surprised by the outcome, were we? No matter how much they wanted to make you think it was Jen during the finale, it was pretty obvious Amanda was going to win this thing. Let’s be honest, deep down, you didn’t really think he was going to choose someone who was 18 years older than him with a son who was 5 years younger than him, did you? Me neither. He liked Amanda from the beginning, she was the right age for him, they seemed to get along, and, as fake as they are, she had great cans. Match made in heaven if you ask me. One thing I enjoyed about the finale was how they tricked out that final scene when he told Jen to beat it. That was an interesting touch where they kept going back and forth real quick and you never really knew who he was saying what to. All part of their plan to continue to make us think he’d pick Jen. Didn’t work, JD Roth. We’re onto you.

-I wonder how disappointed the producers and NBC were with the outcome? Not necessarily because he picked Amanda over Jen, but what Jen’s reaction was afterwards. NBC had been pitching this show since the very beginning as a “social experiment that asks the question, ‘Does age really matter?’”. Well, did you hear what Jen said after she got sent packing? It was basically, “If I were younger, Mark would’ve picked me.” Oops. Gee, I guess age does matter then. So much for that experiment. Glad that worked out for ya’. They could doll the show up as much as they wanted, but in the end, Mark chose the younger piece of ass over the former Playboy model.

-Yes, that’s right. Our very own Jen Braff used to be in Playboy. I must apologize for not doing my homework and not finding this out until after the show had aired. How stupid of me. Yep, Playboy. And Hawaiian Tropic model. And numerous other modeling jobs where she didn’t have her shirt on and covered up her girls with her arms. Don’t believe me? Head on over to www.jenniferbraff.com. You’ll see. But seriously, should any of us be surprised by this? She works for the owner of the Lakers (a fixture at the Playboy mansion), she’s got an incredible body, she’s attractive, and she’s just about the best looking 48 year old woman I’ve ever seen. I would’ve been disappointed if she was never in Playboy. Now my goal is to go find out which issue she was in so I can read the articles.

-The Playboy thing all made sense to me after watching the finale. Jen definitely never hid her sexuality all season, but for her to let Mark in on how many times in a row she reached the Big O in one night during their gondola ride, well, let’s just say that seemed a little out of character. “So yeah, I really like you, I love spending time with you, this has been an amazing journey, and by the way, I once climaxed 10 times in one night. Pick me.” Ahhh, those Playboy playmates. Just oozing with class I tell ya’. Where the hell did that come from? Who offers that information like that? Man, the producers must’ve really gotten in her ear and told her to say something naughty so Mark picks her. She does, and she still gets the boot. I wonder how her 25 year old son feels about watching his mother on dating show telling some scrubby tennis playing stranger how much she likes to get off? Bizarre. I’m sure his friends haven’t given him crap for that. Of course, I’m also sure that his friends enjoyed the hell out of it since they all want to doink her.

-Will Mark and Amanda last? Probably not. She comes across as a little too star struck, and he comes across as a no personality dweeb that likes chasing tail. Since it was a social experiment, I was beginning to wonder if Mark learned anything through this journey. And then in the finale, he told us he did when he said, “We have a saying in Australia, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’”. Wow. How deep. Those Australians sure are quite the philosophers, aren’t they? Don’t judge a book by its cover? I think I remember hearing that phrase for the first time in about 3rd grade. So Mark will never again judge a book by its cover. That’s good to know. Yet he still picked the 25 year old with the fake melons. Television is the greatest.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT

-I’ve actually gotten a little more interested after they weeded out that Fake Shakira crap and the Unibrow dude who danced like a freak. So we’re down to the ventriloquist, Butterscotch, Cas Haley, and the little girl. If I had to guess, I’d say either Butterscotch or the ventriloquist will win, just because they both do something unique. Butterscotch might have trouble winning since we just saw a beat boxer on “Idol” this year, so although its original, it’s still fresh in people’s minds. Not only have I not seen a ventriloquist as good as that guy, but he sings and does impressions? Who else does that? I’ve never been a big fan of dudes who’s act revolves around shoving their hand up the backside of some fluffy sock, but I’ll give it up to him and say he’s talented. I hope he wins.

THE SINGING BEE

-Is there a problem with me enjoying the hell out of this show? I don’t know what it is. Is it the little dancers in the skimpy bee outfits that add absolutely nothing to the show? Is it Joey Fatone trying to act as cheesy as humanly possible? Is it the fact that every contestant who makes it up on stage has White Man’s Disease when it comes to dancing? Is it the fact that they sing, “It’s the Final Countdown!” before the last round? The list goes on. All I know is that when you wrap that altogether, you get a show that I can’t keep my eyes off of. Brilliance. And yes, like I predicted, it’s already been picked up for the fall season and will be on twice a week. It’s the new “Deal or No Deal”. But only 1,000 times better and worse at the same time.

Things I’ve noticed about this show:

-Have you noticed that in every episode, there’s at least one female contestant who’s very, shall we say, “juggy”? Yeah, me too. Never fails.

-That when Joey Fatone goes into the audience to get the six contestants, no matter how bad or good they are, they make it on stage. Probably the editing here, but please, some of those people only have to utter about 3 words, and they make it on stage.

-That the words to the song in the beginning of the show that gets the contestants on stage is scrolling above where the singers and dancers are. So basically you have to be a single digit IQ’er to not make it up there.

-The singers they use are looking at the words as well when they sing. There’s a little screen in front of them they’re always glancing down at. So you expect these contestants to know all the words when you’re singers don’t? Sounds fair.

-In the final round, if it’s come down the 7th and final song, every one that has gotten that far has gotten it right and won the $50,000. Probably because that’s always the easiest song of the seven.

-Some of the contestants take this show waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too seriously. And I’m convinced that every person who is in the audience participating in this show is forced to drink a case of Red Bull before the show starts. There’s no way everyone in attendance can be that happy all the time.

APPRENTICE

-Yes, the “Apprentice”. I know this show is probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, and it should be since the last 2 or 3 seasons of this show have sucked. But after this morning’s latest rumor from New York’s Page Six, I think it’s safe to say if they’re able to pull this off, this might be the greatest TV show ever. NBC hasn’t announced when the next edition of the “Apprentice” will air, but we do know that it’ll be a “celebrity” edition. And I use the term “celebrity” very loosely. These “celebrities” won’t be competing for a job under Trump, but for a charity of their choice. Here’s who is already confirmed for the show:

Jim Cramer – that wacky, screaming money guy on television
Carmen Electra – the hottie who was in my dream last night
Joan Rivers – the old prune with the stretched face
Naomi Judd – is this the fat one?
George Foreman – there is nothing he won’t do to get in front of the camera
Omarosa – from Season 1 and resident beyotch
Kimora Lee Simmons – Russell Simmons’ ex wife
Pete Rose – the greatest con artist in sports history
Danica Patrick – IRL racing’s little hot nugget
Tony Hawk – he rides skateboards and stuff
Jeff Gordon – Jeff Gordon? Doesn’t he have a weekly job he has to do?

So it’s an interesting cast to say the least. But here’s the kicker that Page Six is reporting: The Donald is currently in negotiations with Britney, Paris, and Lindsay. Are you f***ing kidding me? Say what you want about the “Apprentice” as a show, but if the Donald is able to somehow rope Britney, Paris, and Lindsay onto the same reality show, the earth might explode. Let’s pray this comes about. This could easily shatter ratings records. So a little note to Britney, Paris, and Lindsay, courtesy of Reality Steve:

Ladies,
I’ve never asked much of you, other than to quit giving fellatio on camera, or putting on 50 lbs and dropping your children, or wearing your friends jeans that have grams of coke in them. But if any of you want to earn your reputations back, here is your chance. You must appear on this show. All together. And share a room. Even a bed if you’d like. Make this happen for the sake of all humanity.

Sincerely,
Reality Steve

ROCK OF LOVE

-You know what the funniest thing is about this show? Other than the fact that an STD test apparently wasn’t part of the screening process. That Brett Michaels is doing is damndest to convince us that he’s really looking for love. Really Brett? Out of this group of ladies? And by “ladies”, I mean “whores”. There isn’t a single female left on that show I’m convinced wouldn’t take off all her clothes for $10. And Heather would probably pay you so she could strip. I don’t think the words “bra” or “panties” are in her vocabulary. Not only is Brett trying to convince us he’s looking for love, but even Sam is too. She even said in one episode, “I’m not here to get off, I’m here to find a relationship.” Well, wrong show honey. Go hump Scott Baio. Or maybe the new Bachelor wants a pale, tatted up chick with emotional issues. But if you’re not there to get Brett off, then you certainly don’t need to hang around much longer.

-In case anyone hasn’t noticed, Brett likes to have sex with women. And multiple women at the same time if he can. You know, like the night he had the foursome with Lacey, Brandi, and Heather. I have it on good authority that those bed sheets are now carrying the ebola virus. They’ve been sent off to Washington D.C. for lab studies. It’s really amazing that a lot of these girls actually want to win this thing and be Brett’s play toy. Isn’t it funny to hear some of them say, “Yeah, she’s too insecure. She’s not going to be able to deal with Brett’s womanizing and partying ways.” So they actually have no problem with the fact that Brett will continue to tour 6-9 months out of the year, continue to sleep with numerous women, and continue to drink until his liver is the size of an M&M? This doesn’t bother them at all? If I brought any of these chicks home to my parents, I think they would disown me. Except maybe Mia. We don’t know much about her, but compared to everyone else, she’s like the Virgin Mary.

-It must’ve been extremely hard for Brett to send home Magdelena last night. They had built such a strong, physical and emotional connection, it makes you think that maybe he made a giant mistake. Maybe she didn’t open up her heart to him as much as she should’ve, but does that mean it was time for her to go? Maybe Brett was being fed false information from the two conniving witches, Lacey and Heather? Maybe Magdelena was too tall for him and he only likes dating shorter women? I don’t know. I’m so confused. I just didn’t see that one coming. Although maybe, just maybe, Brett couldn’t deal with the fact that Magdelena was a dude. That could be it too.

-You know who else I was disappointed to see leave us? Rodeo. Boy, she sure was a bundle of fun. Dressed like a hooker, had the worst smokers laugh I’d ever heard, and had biceps that rivaled Jessica Biel’s now. Look, I’m definitely on Team Jessica, and I’m all for a chick who takes care of herself and goes to the gym, but Jessica, ease up on the bicep curls. I’m getting scared. Back to Rodeo, did anyone else find it odd that she was crying hysterically (which was pretty much every episode), because she didn’t get to go on her “dream date and ride horses with Brett?” That was your dream date with Brett? Don’t set your expectations too high now sweetie. Wouldn’t want you to be disappointed. Now go home to your son and explain to him how mommy just made an ass of herself on TV.

-Never have I been more excited about a cameo appearance than I was by Richard Blade showing up a couple weeks ago to help judge that god awful singing competition they had. We all remember Richard Blade, don’t we? For fear of exposing myself as a fan of yet another 80’s teen chick movie, Richard was DTV’s DJ in “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Hey, I have an older sister, all right. She watched it religiously. C’mon now. Everyone in unison, let’s all say his famous line: “Now where is that Rickey?” Oh God. Next thing you know, I’ll try and play “Tune in Tokyo” on my next date.

-Is it just me, or does every Brett Michaels song released after 1990 all sound like “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”? I know every slow song he’s tried to play on this show sure does. And now that I’ve mentioned “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, I know that everyone reading this column who’s at least 27 or 28 years old, probably has a coinciding story to go along with that song. Like the time you couples skated for the first time with a boy. Or the time when your boyfriend made you a slow song tape and that was the first song on Side 1. Or the time you were making out in the backseat of your car at the park while it was on, and the police showed up shining their flashlight on you right as you were…..never mind.

SCOTT BAIO IS 45.…AND SINGLE

-As much as I applaud Scott Baio for trying to do something that might change his womanizing ways, I can’t help but think he might not be doing a lot of this for the camera. I guess we won’t find out until he proposes, or doesn’t propose, to his girlfriend, but it seems like you’re asking an awful lot of the guy to cut all his ties with ex’s, dump his best friend, and decide whether or not he wants to get married in 8 weeks. Sure, he’s been dragging his feet for the last 45 years, but hey, maybe he’s a procrastinator. Maybe the guy has done a complete 180 and is ready to marry his girlfriend, but he’s admitted to cheating on every girlfriend he’s ever had. If you were his girlfriend, wouldn’t you be just a little bit skeptical of thinking you’re the one who’s going to change him? She either has a high opinion of herself, or she’s delusional. Or both. Honey, Scott cheated on Pamela Anderson. And Heather Locklear. Something tells me he might have a fling or ten when he’s with you. Just a hunch.

-I’m surprised it took Doc Ali to convince Scott that he needed to rid himself of Johnny V as a friend. A typical case of a hanger-on. Like that guy would be friends with Scott Baio if his name wasn’t Scott Baio. And by the way, if I’m 50 years old acting like that, feel free to throw me into counseling as well. What a loser. When you’re 50, you shouldn’t be mud wrestling with girls who could be your daughters. As much as you want to pretend you’re still in your 20’s, you’re not. Get a grip, JV. You’re a middle aged man with nothing going for him other than you know Scott Baio. Quit trying to chase young skirt all the time and get a job. Maybe he has one, I don’t know. Maybe you can learn something from hanging out with Wayne from the “Wonder Years”. He’s married with kids and doesn’t act like a douche.

REAL WORLD: SYDNEY

-Since there’s only been two episodes, let me just give you my impression of the castmates:

Isaac: Will screw anything with a pulse. At some point this season, he’ll go on a drunken tirade and make one of the girls cry. Probably the most likely cast member to get in a fist fight, get arrested, or both. Prime candidate for a domestic violence charge against him in the future.

Dunbar: The southern dude with the muscles and the girlfriend back home that’ll eventually hop in Kelly Anne’s pants because he can’t control himself. Or, he’ll just be kind enough to break up with girlfriend over the phone, just in time for Kelly Anne to give him a naked lap dance.

Cohutta: I think he’s still in awe of the running water that they have in the house. And the electricity. And the fact that there are no horse and buggys showing them around town. Plus, the idea of hooking up with a female who isn’t his cousin excites him to no end. He will be fun to watch.

Kelly Anne: Hottie. And a c*** tease. Those types usually make for good television. Any female who has no regard for the fact that a guy has a girlfriend, usually is setting herself up for some major drama. Will hook up with more than 3 guys while in Australia.

Trisha: Hottie. And has bad highlights. Honestly, I’m still having trouble telling Trisha and Shauvon apart. Shauvon’s got the much bigger rack, but when these two are talking to each other, it’s like they’re standing in front of a mirror. They look the same, they dress the same, their hair is the same, and they’ll probably be hooking up with the same guys.

Shauvon: Hottie. And just left her fiancee, so she is most definitely on the prowl. As evidenced by the tongue fight her and Isaac got into on the first day. I have a feeling that Shauvon’s giant breasts will play a major role this season. Call me crazy. And she will hook up with just about anything that Australia has to offer.

Parisa: I’m intrigued by her. She will definitely piss off everyone in the house at some point, yet you know in the end, she will be everyone’s friend, and will be the girl who “learned so much from this experience.” Count on it.

NEWPORT HARBOR

-Yet another show that’s only one episode in, so there isn’t too much to talk about just yet. However, this might be the first of these seasons where someone’s parents play a huge role in what happens. I mean, are you kidding me? Tell me Chrissy’s parents didn’t call her 8 different times during the first episode? I understand when you’re in high school, your parents are strict, but that was ridiculous. Those parents should be sent away and Chrissy should be allowed to raise herself. Curfew at 11? Can’t be alone in the same room with a boy? I’d run away if I were her. Talk about being socially scarred for life. Get over yourself, Mom and Dad. Let the girl have a little fun. Especially when she’s about to get a little play.

-I liked how the ending of the first episode was eerily similar to the ending of the first episode of Season 2 of “Laguna Beach”. You know what I’m talking about? The one where Kristin is in the limo with all her girlfriends singing “Since You’ve Been Gone”, while they camera goes to a shot of Lauren and Stephen in the hot tub. Not to be outdone was seeing Chrissy in bed probably around 8:00, shutting off her light, then we get to see Clay inviting Allie into his house for a late night nookie session. Outstanding. I’m sure Clay wasn’t put off at all by the fact that Chrissy’s parents pack her lunch every day with milk and cookies. Of course he wasn’t, hence the reason Allie came over. They probably were just gonna play a board game or watch a movie too. I love high school.

-One thing I’m a little confused about is that they didn’t seem to be starting this season at the beginning of their senior year. If I’m not mistaken, Chrissy started off the show by saying, “My senior year is winding down….” and the Palm Springs trip, I’m assuming, was taking place around Spring Break. But then when Chrissy and her friend were playing tennis, I could’ve sworn she had said, “I can’t believe we only have one year left of playing together”. I really, really, really, really, really shouldn’t care so much about this, but I’m an overanalyzer, so I do. Some clarification would be nice.

THE HILLS

-Of course, we save the best for last. Hopefully you read the last entry I put into this column which was a link to Heidi’s first “single” that was released last week on Ryan Sescrests radio show. If you haven’t, you must. Just to say that you did. And so that the song will remain stuck in your head the rest of the day. It’s very clubby, very sampled, and doesn’t show any of Heidi’s vocal skills whatsoever, but damn it if I didn’t break out the running man to it a few times. Ummm…kidding. I think.

-I realized something after watching the show last week. As much as I was looking forward to the “Hills”, and as good as it was, the problem with the show now is that anyone who reads the internet or subscribes to US Weekly already knows what happens. We’re basically seeing play out to what we‘ve already read. Just in the first episode, we knew Spencer and Heidi got engaged, and we knew Lauren was pissed at Heidi for thinking she leaked a Lauren/Jason sex tape. Not that I don’t enjoy the show tremendously, it just sucks that we pretty much know what’s going to happen. At least to Heidi, Spencer, and Lauren. Then again, that didn’t seem to matter in the ratings, as the premiere drew the highest rating ever for that show. So apparently people don’t care. Maybe I shouldn’t either.

-So, was that the actual proposal of Heidi and Spencer? He didn’t even ask her to marry him. And it took him a whole 23 seconds to purchase a ring from a store not even known for selling engagement rings. Clever editing. That couldn’t possibly have been their real engagement. No way. Let’s be honest here: If Spencer was not in the music industry, and didn’t have ties to record labels, and sound studios, and David Foster’s back pocket, there’s no doubt Heidi wouldn’t be with him. That relationship is all a matter of convenience, no matter how you look at it. She knows it, he knows it, and we know it. Ten years from now when she looks back at this, she’ll be laughing at what she was doing with him. You just kinda wish she’d see that now, but she doesn’t.

-Like anyone could ever get away with spray painting “HOLLYWOOD” on their living room wall without their girlfriend/spouse/fiancee not going ape sh** about it. How she handled herself after seeing that mess on the wall is beyond me. Who does that? What a complete d-bag. Nice touch in the brand new apartment, Sponge Bob. Nothing says “I Love You” more than gangster’ing out your living room to look like the underpass on the 405 freeway. An interior decorator, you are not. Just go back to throwing Lauren under the bus in radio interviews. Seems to be the only thing you’re good at. I don’t know Lauren, but I do feel sorry for her that she’s got a rather unflattering nickname going around in Hollywood right now. Whether or not its true is beside the point. It’s already out there, so there are people that are going to believe it. Let’s just say it’s a two word phrase that deals with female hygiene. One you buy at the grocery store, and one you buy at the home store. You figure it out.

Well, that’s it for this week. Remember last “Reality Roundup”, I told you I was working something for the site, but that I didn’t want to jinx anything? Well, now I’m working on two things, and one could happen sooner than the other. I’ll give you a hint: It’s an interview with a contestant that was on a show covered in this column. I have been in email contact with this person, they said they would do it, and now we are just coordinating schedules on when it can be done. If I had to guess, I’d say it happens sometime this week, so keep checking back. Until then, send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com, check out the Reality Steve MySpace page at myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week…..

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