The Bachelor 11 - Brad

The Bachelor Recap – 9/24/07

-Great to be back. No need to go over why “Reality Roundup” has only produced three columns since our last “Bachelor” ended. Pretty much no other reason than me being lazy and knowing that about 1/100th of my readership to the “Bachelor” column reads “Reality Roundup”. So blame yourselves for not reading. Ha ha. I’m kidding. I think.

-Some big, huge, exciting, earth shattering news to report. The return of “Dr. Reality Steve” begins this week….and with a twist. In the past, I’ve asked for you to send in your emails on any relationship/sex/marriage advice you may need, and I gave you, as best I could, some advice from a guy’s perspective. So I figured to be fair, because I’m the fairest of the fair and all in favor of Title IX and woman’s rights and all that nonsense, I would now start to include the female perspective. We’ve got 5 female guest columnists lined up for the next 5 weeks, so get your emails in. They will get answered by me and someone else. Same email, two different answers I’m sure. So who are these females? They are (in no particular order):

-Jayanna, from “Age of Love”. My new best friend. And hottie cougar.

-Amanda, from last season of the “Bachelor”. I’m trying to remember her most memorable moment with Andy, but I couldn’t think of one. Just know that she likes burgers from Jake’s.

-Alexis, also from last season of the “Bachelor”. You may remember her as being the one that the show portrayed as the “home schooled virgin”. She has more to offer than that. And I must be nice to her now after giving it to her a little bit last season.

-Lisa, from Prince Lorenzo’s season of the “Bachelor”. You may remember her as having the biological clock, had wedding dresses picked out, and liked hugging trees. That one. And in my Top 3 favorite Bachelorettes of all-time.

-Jessica, my ex-girlfriend. I’m sure she’s thrilled I roped her into doing this.

The “Dr. Reality Steve” column will go up every Tuesday beginning next week, right before the “Bachelor” column. I don’t know which girl will be doing which week, but they’re excited, I’m excited, we’re all excited. Good times here at Realitysteve.com. So any questions, queries, complaints, rants, etc. you may have about marriage/relationships/sex/your mistress, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Now, lets get to last night’s debacle….

-You know what? I’m disappointed in last night’s show. And not for the reasons you probably think. Every single season of the “Bachelor”, I’ve found myself immediately finding numerous things wrong with the Bachelor of choice. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Brad has his faults, and I tried my damndest not to like that guy last night, but for the life me, I couldn’t do it. Do I think he’s gonna find a wife on this show? No. Do I think he’s doing this to pimp out his bar business and potential hotel business? Of course. But after one episode, I think he came across more normal than any of the previous ten bachelors in their first episode.

-Doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of the guy. And doesn’t mean he’s the greatest guy ever. Just means I thought he carried himself rather well last night, and that’s why I’m disappointed. Could he use a razor? Yeah, probably. But I was trying to find somehing much more stronger than that to dislike, and I couldn’t. I mean, he’s a good looking guy, seems to have somewhat of a personality, and actually looked like he could carry on a conversation with a female. Damn him. If there was negative that I maybe could pinpoint about last night, was that it seemed like he was reading off cue cards, or had every line memorized already going in as to what he was going to say. But that’s about it. Screw you, Brad. Hope you turn out to be a pig. This is no fun.

-I don’t know if you know this, but Brad is being referred to as “the sexiest Bachelor ever”. Don’t know if you caught that at all last night, but it was mentioned once. Or twice. Or eight hundred times. And when you’re competing against the likes of a Bob Guiney in the looks department, well then…..Enough of the cross promotion already. Can we stop referencing every Bachelor as either “McDreamy” or “McSteamy”? Is that too much to ask? Along those lines, I wanted to mention something. I’ve never seen four seconds of any episode of Grey’s Anatomy. However, I’ve decided to add “Private Practice” to my TiVo Season Pass because I’ve developed a rather serious crush on Kate Walsh. And it’s very deep rooted. Especially considering I’ve never seen her act, I’ve heard maybe one interview with her, and I have no idea what she’s ever been in other than “Grey’s Anatomy.” But the hell if I won’t be front and center this Wednesday night when Dr. Addison Montgomery starts staring at me through my television. And she just got married in real life too, didn’t she? Drats! Because, you know, I had a chance at marrying her. That’s why I’m so disappointed. Oh well. “Private Practice” will now just fall into the category of “Shows I Can Watch with the Volume and My Pants Down”. It’s joins very exclusive company.

-So we get a little background info on Brad. It was a little long, a little boring, and I had already read enough about him leading up to the show, but here’s what they told and showed us. Riches to rags story…..parents divorced….no shirt on…..oil rigs….college wasn’t for him….no shirt on….bar owner with brothers….entrepreneur….no shirt on…..two brothers who are married….tired of being 5th wheel….and…no shirt on. Did ABC hire female camera crews this season? Because I frankly don’t know any straight camera guy that’d want to film Brad soaping himself in the shower. Did I really see that? Ummmm….that was a bit disturbing. We get it. He works out eight hours a day and likes to take his shirt off. At least he doesn’t have that crazy, funky, triathletes chest that Andy had. I’m still a little confused on how the trunk of his body had a point to it. Bizarre.

-Ahhhh yes. The fateful return of Host Chris, who’s now in direct competition with Jeff Probst for “Longest Running Host on a Show Who’s Done Nothing Else”. Let’s see: Probst did co-host “Regis and Kelly” a few times. Host Chris showed up with Brad at the “Dancing with the Stars” premiere last night. I think I’ll give the edge to Probst. Host Chris just called the “Bachelor”, “America’s Favorite Relationship Show”. It is? Since when? Can we really call what Jesse Palmer and Jessica Bowlin had a “relationship”? Can the thirteen minutes that Travis and Sarah stayed together considered relationship worthy? Hmmm…tough one. I think they might want to change their tune on that. And I’m sorry, but “America’s Favorite Relationship Show” is not the “Bachelor”. Everyone knows its “Rock of Love”. That’s where a quality man goes to find his soul mate. Or next notch on his bedpost. Same thing.

-Host Chris is reading his cue cards excellently already. Host Chris: “Meet the man everyone is calling the sexiest Bachelor ever….Brad Womack.” Well, considering ABC’s press release is the one that started referring to him as this, can we really consider this “everyone”? Is that fair? Gay Alex might get his feelings hurt. Same with that one dude who competed against Byron. Man, I almost forgot about that. I can’t believe they actually had two bachelors that season and the ladies had to choose one they wanted. I don’t even remember the guy’s name, what he looked like, how many votes he got, or if he’s even straight. I just know he lost to Byron and his orange skin. Any time now Byron, you and Mary can get married. I mean, I know its only been about three years since you proposed. Might want to get a move on with that. Haven’t they been talking about getting married for the last two years?

-Before we meet the ladies, Host Chris sits Brad down to have a little man-to-man with him. Kinda like the father-son “birds and the bees” talk, but different. Chris isn’t Brad’s father. And they’re not talking about sex. At least, not that we saw. I’m sure the “So, are you gonna try and get laid this season?” questions ended up on the editing room floor. I really want to know if Host Chris is as much of a horn dog as I’m hoping he is. Judging by these questions, I’m guessing the answer is “no”:

“How successful are you? Are you a millionaire?” Brad: “Why yes, Chris. I never thought in a million years you’d bring that up, and I’m trying to act completely surprised and embarrassed right now. I am a millionaire. A self-made millionaire. But the PC answer right now would be to say, ’I’d rather not talk about it, and I would hope my future wife wouldn’t care how much money I make.” Uhhhh, that ain’t gonna happen Brad. They’re women. They like money. And if you’re good looking to boot, watch out. Just have the pre-nup ready, that’s all I’m saying.

“How are you single?” Brad: “I’ve had some amazing relationships with some amazing women. But I just haven’t found the right one yet.” Which now makes it eleven consecutive seasons that the Bachelor has uttered that phrase, or something similar. And in Brad’s case, I have no doubt he’s dated some amazing women. He seems like one that would stay in touch with his ex’s. Maybe even call her on occasion. Even when he’s filming the show. You know, just to tell her he’s bored or something and wants her back. Hey, just a guess.

“What do your parents think?” Brad: “They’re very excited. They see some of the success stories this show has had.” You did tell them you were going on the “Bachelor”, didn’t you Brad? Exactly what show is it that they’re watching? Success stories? Oh I get it. By “success” you mean “colossal failures.” Gotcha. Got confused there for a second. Thanks for clearing that up. Your parents should be horrified you entered yourself in this fight for 25 bimbos, one of which will become your next ex.

-Oooohhh, one of my favorite parts of the season. The first impressions out of the limos. It’s very hard for all 25 women to make an impression on me, so I only wrote down the ones that did, which is usually half of them. Here we go…

Sheena: First girl out of the limo. Looked like someone took the scissors to the bottom of her dress and went crazy. When she asked Brad where he was from, he responded, “Austin…(pause)….Texas.” Thanks for the clarification. I bet Sheena felt ecstatic that Brad thought he was just introduced to Miss Teen South Carolina. “Everywhere…like…such as…the Iraq….” Disaster.

Jenni: Phoenix Suns dancer. Cute girl. Worst dress. Looked like a hefty bag. But cute enough to off set it.

Kim: He told her she had a beautiful dress. She didn’t. It looked like those pictures you stare at on the wall that you’re supposed to see something in the middle of. And she was 8 feet tall.

Bettina: She was very nervous. Very good looking though. Could be a keeper.

Jessica: “They told me you were hot, but they didn’t say you were a fire extinguisher. Woo!” In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy, “That didn’t make any sense.”

Rigina: Had a tattoo around her bicep, which automatically spells class. And called herself Ms. Brown Sugar. Probably would’ve been better if as soon as she got out of the limo and introduced herself, just walked right back into the limo and went home. Yes, the lone minority Bachelorette this season. Thank you for playing. Your t-shirt and public humiliation is at the door on your way out.

Erin: Tells Brad that she once broke her face playing football. (Insert joke here).

DeAnna: Introduced herself in Greek. Brad doesn’t speak Greek. Nor is he of Greek descent as far as we know. And DeAnna is from Georgia. A very confusing introduction to say the least.

Juli: Wins award for the cheesiest introduction of the night. “Hi, I’m Juli without the ‘e’ at the end.” Did he ask for a spelling of your name? Are you in any way related to Ali with an “I” from “Karate Kid”? And oh yeah, she blew him kiss because she’s from the Windy City. My index finger just reached halfway down my esophagus.

McCarten: Brad told her that was a beautiful name. Brad is also a liar. A good rule of thumb dealing with names: Never trust someone who has two first names, or, someone who has a last name as their first name. It’s a proven theory that those people are off kilter. I have absolutely no evidence to back up this theory.

Solisa: She’s from Austin…(pause)….Texas. Brad: “We have a lot to talk about then.” Holy DD’s, Batman! Solisa’s cans are incredibly ginormous AND she’s not wearing a bra. You bet your ass they’ll have a lot to talk about. And it’ll all center around the small children she’s carrying on the front of her chest.

Hillary: Ok, maybe she wins cheesiest intro. “Hi, I’m Hillary. I’m a nurse from Philly, and hopefully I can take your vital signs inside and your heart pitter patters for me.” I just had a stroke, Hillary. And I still don’t want your help.

Mallory: The Hawaiian Hottie. She’ll stay around for no other reason than she’s hot. What’s that you say? She jumps in the pool later in her bikini? Cha-ching!

Jade: “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk out of the limo again?” Now that Jade has memorized her book of pick-up lines to perfection, let’s move on that name. Jade. So, does she just work at a topless club, or all nude?

-Time for the party to begin inside and Brad to meet his future ex. Everyone is excited to meet him. Including Hillary. “He’s so hot. My heart is pitter pattering.” In the beginning of the show, after the “This is Your Life” video on Brad, they gave us a little taste of the women showing them getting ready and all that. Well, in that video, we saw Hillary telling the camera, “I hope Brad just sees me as who I am…Silly Hillary.” Ah, I see. So she’s trying to think of the clever word, which matches her personality trait, but also rhymes with her name. You know, so we wouldn’t think she’s weird at all. Well, I guess if your name was “Hilly”, then maybe that’d rhyme. Silly Hillary? Not so much. Try again.

-Someone who didn’t make an impression on me out of the limo was Kristy. She’s an acupuncturist. And completely off her rocker. Of course, she threw in the “Well, I gotta give you a massage later” line, which was a given. But now she’s examining his tongue. Not with her tongue, mind you. Not yet anyway. But she’s got some uncanny ability to read someone by just having them stick out their tongue. And Brad, being the good sport he is, decided to participate in this ridiculous activity. Kristy was able to tell by looking at his tongue that he was stressed. Wow. Amazing. Please, I’m begging anyone out there in the medical field reading this, let Kristy head up any efforts towards cancer research after that diagnosis. You know, I actually have a little experience in tongue reading myself (And no, a perverted line is not forthcoming). But seriously, I took some medical classes in college, and read a few books on this. And even though the “Bachelor” isn’t shot in HD and the screen was a little blurry, I was able to get a decent look at Kristy’s tongue. I was able to decipher that Kristy, our local acupuncturist, has a case of the crazies.

-Hillary, the non-rhyming dorky girl with the bubbly personality, appears on our TV screen. She’s so excited she finally gets to talk to Brad. And after all the waiting, and all this excitement, she unloads on him with this really deep, introspective question: “What is the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” That’s what Silly the Hillary came up with? I don’t even remember Brad’s answer. Hers was that she broke her nose twice on a bowling ball. Huh? What? How? Outside of falling face first into a bowling ball, how does this happen? Because, even for Sillary, I can’t imagine that someone chucked a bowling ball at her and she was unable to avoid it before it struck her right in the nose. In a related story, did you see that Marcia Brady is releasing a tell-all book, and in it she talks about her drug addiction, her bulimia, and that her and Jan Brady went to town on each other back in the day on the “Brady Bunch” set? I didn’t know whether to be horrified or turned on when I first heard that story. Of course now, reps for the book say that story isn’t true. B.S. I believe it. That Brady Bunch set was a giant orgy. Greg banging Carol. Marcia and Jan playing with each other. Mike enjoying his time with the boys. Why do you think that show has so many sexual undertones in it? They were all doing each other. Where was I?

-Next up for some alone time is Jenni, the dancer in the bad dress. Of course, if she’s a dancer, and she’s looking to make a first impression, then of course the producers force her to….errr…..she decides on her own to dance for Brad. Not bad. Would’ve liked it better if her dress fell down a little further, but not bad. Brad sure liked it enough to give her the first impression rose a little while later. He kept saying it was because of her smile and laugh. But I know it was because he almost got a nipple shot of her. I’m a guy. I know these things.

-Lindsey had an interesting first impression. She gave Brad a yellow rose since he’s from Texas. Austin, Texas in case you didn’t know. And then she proceeded to belt out a few horrible lines from “Yellow Rose of Texas”. Well, we appreciate the effort Lindsey. But please, never again sweetie. Tina from last season was overheard saying, “Wow. What a horrible singer.” Lindsey, however, is a model. So I’m guessing that her god awful voice will be overshadowed by how good she looks. Or by how much she puts out. One of the two.

-Juli with an “I” has a talent that can only be described as frightening AND incredibly sexy at the same time. She’s very flexible and is able to pull her legs back over her head while locking her ankles behind it. A human pretzel, as she referred to it as. You know the first thing that came to my mind when I saw this? Cirque de Soleil. I really think she has a career in that show. I mean, with that kind of flexibility, you could really see her performing in shows all across America doing that. Fans would love it, she could make some good money, there’s a tremendous amount of……ok, who am I kidding? You all know damn well what was going through my mind when she turned herself into a pretzel. As would it any guys mind. Which is exactly the reason the producers forced her to…..errr…..she decided to show Brad her flexibility.

-Our first drunken chick of the night, Melissa. Not only is she drunk, but she pads her bra. And one of her pads fell out. That’s never a good sign. This was all before she got her time alone with Brad. And that’s when things completely unraveled. Melissa has an infatuation with the word “sweet.” Everything about Brad was “sweet” or “sweetness” or whatever the hell else she was slurring out. Brad got a good chuckle out of it, and so did I. Although we didn’t get the great classic drunk on this episode, Melissa was good enough to hold her weight. Anytime you combine being sloshed with your bra padding falling out, that’ll never not be funny.

-Morgan has webbed feet. I don’t even know what to make of this. Maybe Brad is attracted to ducks? How do we know? We don’t know that yet? There’s always a chance, right? And maybe her webbed feet is just the starting point of something bigger? There’s the possibility that if you get her wet, she might turn into a mermaid like Darryl Hannah in “Splash”. Now there is someone who went from a solid 8 or 9 to about a 3 in the last 20 years. Holy crap. Darryl, quit eating leaves and berries, and get out of the trees for God sakes. Crazy homeless looking lady. And don’t ask me why webbed feet just turned into a mermaid reference. It’s 3:00 in the morning, I’m tired, I still haven’t watched “Heroes”, the “Hills”, or all of “Dancing with the Stars” yet. Monday nights are becoming brutal. Between my two TiVo’s, I have 6 shows that record on Monday nights between 7-10pm. And I’ve watched one and a half of them.

-Mallory the Hawaiian Hottie jumped in the pool in her bikini to get Brad’s attention. She also told him she thinks he should take his pants off. I’m sorry, that line alone should’ve done one of three things:

1) gotten her the first impression rose
2) gotten her a one way ticket to the final two
3) gotten Brad laid on the first night

#1 didn’t happen, that went to Jenni the dancer. I have no idea if #2 happened because I haven’t read the spoilers yet. As for #3, well, that’s all left to the imagination. In my mind, it did. But it wasn’t with Brad, it was with me. Yes, that’s correct. I had imaginary sex with a woman I’ve seen on TV for all of 30 seconds probably. Guys are the most simple creatures on earth. The minute women begin to understand that, is the minute we can all start getting along better. There is absolutely nothing complex about men. Nothing. Food, sex, silence. Nothing more, nothing less. Dr. Reality Steve has spoken once again.

-After Brad presented Jenni with the first impression rose, it got me to thinking: Has anyone who’s ever gotten this actually ended up winning? And without going back to read the first episode columns of all the past seasons, I have no idea. The only person off the top of my head that I remember getting the first impression rose was our soon-to-be guest columnist, Lisa, from Lorenzo’s season. And we know she didn’t win. Cuz’ Lorenzo’s a douche. I honestly can’t remember anyone else. Hold on, I’ll at least check last season to see who Andy gave it to (Go to Realitysteve.com….April 2007.…Bachelor Recap 4/2/07)….and here it is:

Stephanie: The “hanus” looking girl that was given the first impression rose. So she’s safe for the first rose ceremony. Can’t say that about her virginity though. For whatever reason, I think she’s slept with all of South Carolina. That’s my first impression.

Wow. She did? I never would’ve remembered that. You gotta understand something. For the most part, I forget everything I write about 24 hours after I write it. I have no idea what I say in my columns 99% of the time unless someone brings it up. So forgive me for being an idiot and not remembering anything I write.

-Time for the rose ceremony. Brad is sweating it out in the “Pick Me!” photo room. And also continues the streak now of eleven consecutive seasons of the “Bachelor” uttering some variation of this line during the first Rose Ceremony night. “If I send the wrong one home, I could regret it the rest of my life.” Never fails.

-Quick speech time….. “You’ve exceeded all my expectations….good luck….I’m a millionaire and all you gold diggers ain’t touching any of my money if I somehow miraculously happen to marry you…”

Jade: Chalk one up for the strippers around the world. Cinnamon, Jasmine, Krystal, and Destiny over at Olympic Gardens couldn’t be prouder.

Bettina: I really don’t have anything to say about her since I don’t think we’ve seen her since she got out of the limo.

McCarten: A beautiful name. Just beautiful. Can we get a last name on her, please? I’m dying to know.

Sillary: Another week of Hillary the Sillary one-liners. Great. Can’t wait.

DeAnna: Wants it pronounced “De-AHNA.” Yes, ma’am. I like her though. Could be around a while.

Michele: This chicks from Jersey. I can’t wait to see her in non-formal clothing when she has her bangs teased and rockin’ the Bon Jovi T-shirt.

Sheena: He-Man’s female equivalent lasts another week. Or was that Shee-ra?

Estefania: I just cannot see Brad and Estefania on the cover of US Weekly when this show is over. Call me crazy.

Erin: Never heard the full story behind her broken face. Probably a good thing.

Solisa: I thought Brad only kept fifteen women around after the first night? Shouldn’t Solisa count for three?

Lindsey: What’d I tell you? Good looks always outweigh a bad voice.

Sarah: Definitely Ms. Perky this season. She’s very happy. About everything.

Mallory: Yes, I would. And I did.

“Ladies, Brad, this is your final rose. When you’re ready.” Hmmm….so he’s taken out the “tonight”. Probably because it was morning time. I guess he could’ve said, “It’s the final rose this morning.” But then people might’ve gotten confused. And I’m spending way more time on this than I should.

Kristy: The acupuncturist. Something tells me the next thing she’ll be examining will be below his waist. At least, that’s what it should be if she wants to stick around.

-Ok, so another reason I was little disappointed is because we didn’t get any good, solid meltdowns from girls that got the boot. What the hell was that? Melissa stammered for a little bit and shed a few tears. Some other chick who they never really showed was crying a bit. Other than that, nothing. Why couldn’t we get someone dropping f-bombs or cursing out other girls who got roses instead of them? Is that too much to ask? C’mon, you know it happened. It always does. Oh well.

-Later this season, since Brad has an identical twin brother, they try and pull the trick on the women and substitute him in during one-on-one time. And I’m guessing that’s not the first time Brad and his bro have shared a woman. And considering Brad’s brother doesn’t even really look THAT identical to him, I’d be shocked if any of these women fell for it. Wait, no I wouldn’t. Until next week…..Get your emails in for Dr. Reality Steve as the column starts next Tuesday with our first guest columnist. I don’t know who it’ll be yet, but I’m sure it’ll be good. Send all emails to: steve@realitysteve.com.

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