The Bachelor 11 - Brad

The Bachelor Recap – 10/1/07

-Big stuff to do this week. Another week of the “Bachelor”, the return of “Dr. Reality Steve”, Britney loses her kids, and last but not least, I watched “Private Practice”. I think I can officially call myself a gay male now. Other than ogling over Kate Walsh, there is absolutely zero reason for a male to watch that show. None. And I’m guessing “Grey’s” is pretty much the same exact thing, only with a different cast in a different hospital. With a gay guy. And a homophobe that got booted for calling him a French cigarette. Remember how I mentioned last week maybe I’ll go back and start watching season 1 of “Grey’s”? Forget it. Ain’t gonna happen. I’ve got too many shows already without inundating myself with sappy, mindless, dramas centering around women’s va-jay-jay’s. Then again, I watch the “Hills” and “Newport Beach” religiously, so there could be hope someday. Onto last night….

-Let’s jump right into it. Two group dates, a rose will be handed out at each one, those women are safe, first group date is at the Del Mar Racetrack. Those involved: Erin, McCarten, Mallory, Kristy, Silly the Hillary, Jade the Stripper, and “It’s pronounced De-AHNA”. Stripper Jade is especially looking forward to this date. Why, you ask? Well, she thinks the rest of the field is handicapped. “I think I have a really good chance to get the rose tonight because, I personally think I’m better looking than all of them.” If by “better looking” you mean “I can slide down a pole backwards with my legs spread eagle”, then you’re definitely right on. If you looked closely enough at her, you might’ve been able to notice her shiny purse overloaded with $1 bills. She must’ve just gone to the bank or something. Yeah, that’s it. And she smells like old Asian mens cologne.

-To get an idea of how adventurous these women are, Brad gives each of the ladies money to bet on the horses with. They didn’t really show exactly how much he gave them, but let’s just say Brad wasn’t footing the bill on this one. I’m sure ABC had no problem giving them fake money, to fake bet, on the fake horse races. Did you see the footage from the race they were watching? It was like it was from 1992. That whole segment was meaningless. Because someone bet a $2 exacta as opposed to someone who bet $20, we’re supposed to tell more about their personality? I’m guessing none of them really even knew how to place a horse racing bet and were just told what to do. And whoever actually did know, Brad should marry. Like tonight. Any woman you can go to the track with AND who knows what she’s doing there, is a keeper. So ladies, go out and buy the “Horseracing for Dummies” book, and you’ll have a boyfriend in no time.

-Back at the mansion, group date box #2 arrives for the remaining ladies. They are giddy over the fact that it will be at the beach and they’ll get to see Brad without his shirt on. For them, it’ll be first time. For the viewers, it’ll be our 115th. Hey, did any of you notice Brad is pretty put together? Have you caught on to that? Yeah. And he’s our “sexiest Bachelor ever” to boot. ABC likes to drop subtle hints like that. Didn’t know if you picked up on it. One girl who can’t wait to take her top off….errr….get in a bikini, is Solisa. “Our date is going to be way better the first groups because we get to be in our bikini’s. And Brad will be in his swim trunks.” Gee, I can’t imagine why Solisa of all girls would be that excited about a date at the beach in bikini’s? Puzzling, isn’t it. I tried for the rest of the show to figure out why this benefited her the most and only came up with one thing. She gets to show off her giant mammeries to everyone. I guess that’d be considered an advantage in some countries. Is she lactating right now? Just curious.

-The women back at the mansion were so excited to get to wear their bikini’s, and so excited to have a beach date, that Jersey girl Michele mamed herself, pulled a Bevin, and went tumbling down the stairs. Bevin remember only milked a sprained ankle that Andy completely misdiagnosed. The way the ambulance came out with the neck brace and loaded Michele onto a gurney, I thought she cracked her C-4 vertebrae and was looking at paralysis. Uhhh, not so much. Ease up on the drama, ABC. I thought we had morphed into an episode of “ER” for God’s sakes. And Michele, feel free to hold on to the railing next time you walk down stairs. I know you parents probably taught you to do this when you were two, but, for future reference, it’s probably a good idea. Since putting one foot in front of the other apparently has become enormously difficult for you. I wish we could’ve seen a super slo-mo of her fall. Nope. Just the after effects of her screaming, the ambulance pulling up, and all the seven other girls actually pretending like they gave a crap. That was comedy. “Ooooohhhh…what happened? She fell? Oh my God!!!!…(ten seconds later)…..Whatever. One less girl to compete with.” I love women.

-Commercial. None of you outside the Dallas/Fort Worth area saw this promo since it was for the 10:00 news, but here was the exact tease they ran during the commercial break: “Birth control pills for $9.99. Details at 10.” Look, I’ve never taken birth control pills. Nor have I ever had to deal with the side effects of them. But is it really a smart idea to be purchasing a contraceptive that’s $9.99 and is supposed to last you the whole month? How is that possible? Something tells me these things are probably Flinestone vitamins shined up to act like birth control. Just a hunch. $9.99 birth control pills? Why not just announce “Free Papsmears”? I’m sure those would go over well. It’s stories like this where I’m thoroughly excited that I’m a guy. I don’t envy you women in the least bit when it comes to girly stuff like that. My hats off to you. I can’t imagine pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a shot glass. No thanks. I’ll just be the coach on the sideline cheering you on, thanks.

-Networks are known for their cross promotion during shows, and there’s always some tie-in as to why a product or a person is appearing on one show when you initially think, “What the hell is this doing on here?” That’s the feeling I got when San Diego Charger linebacker Shaun Phillips showed up at the horse racing suite during the show and was giving his opinions on which girls he liked? I have a myriad of questions on this one: Are Shaun and Brad long lost buddies? What connection does he have to the “Bachelor”? Who did he pay off to get on this show? Has Shaun Phillips ever watched the “Bachelor”? Does any female outside of San Diego, California have any clue who Shaun Phillips is? That was bizarre. If you’re gonna go that route, at least try and get us LaDanian Tomlinson or Antonio Gates. Then again, the Chargers suck this year, so that move completely backfired. That was the most random cameo this show’s ever had. Thanks for coming Shaun. Appreciate the insight. I think he liked “It’s pronounced De-AHNA” the best. He’ll probably try and hit that too.

-And because Shaun made an appearance, that meant all the girls got Chargers gear to wear. How cute. I think the one who appreciated it was McCarten since she’s from San Diego. And she totally knew who gave it to her. “So, we’re sitting there in the suite and who walks in, but none other than Shaun Phillips of the Chargers!” Look, I’m about as big a sports nut as you’ll find. If I’m not watching some crappy reality show, then I’m watching SportsCenter. And the NFL Sunday ticket on DirecTV is something I can’t do without. With that said, Shaun Phillips could walk through my front door right now and I’d have no idea who he is. Yet McCarten does? Yet another fine producing job by ABC. “Ok, McCarten…once you see the red light go on, read this line that we have written down here. In 3…2…1.…”

-It’s serious time at the racetrack. Brad gets a call on his cellphone and answers it. Which, is kinda rude actually, isn’t it? Oh wait, he knew who the call was from, knew what it was about, and knew the cameras were rolling. Oops. Anyway, I guess it was Michele telling him she had fallen down the stairs. Brad gets an Oscar for his acting job. “Are you kidding?” All the other girls try to act shocked and surprised with hands going up over mouths, but I’m sure they knew already anyway. Plus, they were all still trying to figure out why Michele has that horrible highlight job in her hair. Michele tells Brad she has a mild concussion. Which might be a good thing for her, since, I’d probably want to forget I appeared on this show too. And just went tumbling down a flight of stairs like Humpty Dumpty.

-So that forced drama is over with, and McCarten wants to pull Brad aside for some one on one time. Presumably to explain to him how her name became to be McCarten Delaney. Doesn’t Delaney McCarten sound better? I sure think so. Change your name sweetie. If you’re not gonna do that, you might want to not try and kiss a man while he’s in mid sentence. What the hell was that? Did she not see that he was talking? I guess she wanted to go for shock value, but geez, at least wait until he gets the final preposition out of his mouth. That was about as uncomfortable a first kiss as I’ve ever seen. Even Brad thought it sucked. I’d hate to see these two on a dinner date. She might try and tongue him while he’s downing some Prime Rib or something. This act alone pretty much guarantees she won’t win. I can’t imagine Brad at the end of the show saying, “I knew it was true love after that brutal first kiss.”

-Next up, Brad is having such a wonderful time with “It’s pronounced De-AHNA”, that he gives her a rose. She accepts. And then asks him to spell her name correctly, give her the correct Latin pronunciation, use it in a sentence, and give a 100-word essay on the origin of the name “DeAnna”. I didn’t think that was asking much. Whatever the case, McCarten was none too pleased that “It’s pronounced De-AHNA” got the rose. “I don’t know what he went off to give her that rose.” I’m not sure either, but it definitely wasn’t your kiss. She honestly expected to get the rose after that performance? Wow. Weird name and delusional. I’d slip a rose right in Solisa’s cleavage before I gave it to McCarten. And for the record, somewhere in these first two episodes, “It’s pronounced De-AHNA” suddenly became “Didi” to everyone else. I’ll make the final decision on what I’ll call her for the rest of the season. Since there’s no doubt she’s at least making the final four.

-Commercial. There’s a promo for “Private Practice” on Wednesday night. Look, did I hate it? No. Did I love it? No. It was pretty much everything I thought it would be. A whole lot of sappy storylines that chicks like. I get it. That’s the audience they’re going after. I’m sure when they sat down to create this show, they definitely weren’t targeting the 32 year old single heterosexual demo. But of course, to sucker me in, we get Addison naked in the first two minutes of the show. That I couldn’t complain about. I don’t know what it is. Kate Walsh is definitely no model, she’s not going to be gracing the cover of all the magazines at the grocery store, but there is something unbelievably sexy about her and I can’t really pinpoint what it is. Just know whatever it is, it’ll keep me watching every Wednesday. When does she start sleeping with people? And how long before “Grey’s” characters start popping up on this show? I’m guessing it won’t be too long.

-Time for the beach date with “Brad’s Beach Babes”. They are Solisa, Lindsey, Sarah, Bettina, Sheena, Jenni, and Stephy. Michelle doesn’t get to go because she got loopy and did a somersault down the stairs. So when Brad comes to pick the ladies up, he asks where she is, even though he knows she’s sitting right outside, all by her lonesome, next to a football for some reason. Weird. Brad goes out to talk to Michele, her stiff neck, and her juggs. She feels she’s at a total disadvantage now since she’s the only one that’s not gonna get to go on a date with Brad out of the remaining 15 girls. And she couldn’t be more right. Oh well. What are you to do? Brad leaves, Michele is sad, she pops on her Ipod and starts blaring “Livin’ on a Prayer”.

-Stripper Jade is none too happy that these girls get to go on a date and show off their hot bodies in bikini’s. “I feel there’s definitely two different groups in the house. It’s the classier girls versus the ones that are on today’s date.” And yes, Jade is putting herself under the category of the “classier girls”. I’ll reserve judgment on that until later on the show when Jade starts snitching on people. But for now, she’s in the “classier” category. Well, for another 20 minutes or so at least. Out on the beach date, it’s nothing but bikini’s, alcohol, and shots. And a toast from Jenni: “Here’s to the north, and here’s to the south, and here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth.” Hey, maybe Jade was on to something? What a dorky toast. She actually says that at the bars with her friends? And she doesn’t expect every cheesedick in the bar to start hitting on her? Women are fun to watch when they’re drunk and with their friends. You can really learn a lot about how freaky they really are when they have the whole liquid courage thing going on. Then when you get the, “It only happened because I was drunk line”, that’s when you know how phony they really are. Something tells me Jenni has dropped that line once or a thousand times.

-One girl who I completely did not notice for whatever reason last week was Sarah. Sarah is very bubbly. And always smiling and laughing. I guess Brad likes smiley, bubbly, and happy women since he gives her a rose. The other girls are beginning to question how Sarah can always be so happy all the time. I’m down with Sarah though. I like her. She doesn’t annoy me. Yet. There’s still time though. She definitely has meltdown potential though. You can just see it. Shiny, Happy People Holding Hands will probably turn on a dime if someone pisses in her Corn Flakes. Only time will tell, but already, the catty women are onto her and think she’s fake. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, because, well, that’s what I do with women. If I didn’t, then I would’ve left Amanda at halftime of the Mavericks game when she said to me, “I’d much rather you buy me a Coach purse than spend money on me for dinner.” Yes, she said that. And no, I didn’t leave immediately. I sure thought about it though. Another story for another day, but I can honestly say, I’ll never forget that night as long as I live.

-Now it’s time to get to the good stuff. And by “good stuff”, I mean, “body shots off of Solisa’s giant breastseseseseseses”. She put the salt between her cleavage, put the lime at her belly button, and, well you know the rest. It’s how all they all end up, you take a shot off her chest, you have sex with her, you bring her home to mommy and daddy, then you marry her. Right? Isn’t that how that works? Oh, it doesn’t? The total opposite? Oh, ok. Well, I guess Solisa’s out of luck. But hey, she still has her morals. Solisa: “I’m a Christian. Morals and values are very important to me.” I can tell. Now, I’m not saying because you like flaunting your goodies and like your cleavage being licked on national television that you have loose morals but….well….yes I am. I’m sure your pastor will be very proud to call you a member of his church after seeing that Solisa. Say ten Hail Marys and never show your face in church ever again. Amen.

-So next up, Brad steals Jenni away from all the other girls so he can subtly shove his tongue down her throat. Wow. He must like her. Cuz that’s what guys do when they like you. They take you into private rooms away from all his other girlfriends and play tonsil war with you. Jenni should feel honored. Now she can go back out and tell all the girls that she’s searched the north and searched the south and she found out what Brad could do with his mouth. And then I can proceeded to stick my head in the oven and fire it up to 500 degrees. So Jenni, what could he do with his mouth? Did his stubble bother you? Man, I’ve never been on the receiving end of kissing someone with a beard, but I’m guessing that doesn’t feel comfortable. How could it when you consider the alternative of no hair? Hey, whatever floats your boat ladies. Just know I never have facial hair. Because I’m sure that’s what you were all asking.

-Back at the mansion, producers tipped off Stripper Jade and Sillary the Hilly that Jenni has brought her modeling book to the house. I mean, how else would they know to go looking in that exact spot in her bag? Please. This is what is known in storytelling as “foreshadowing”. It’s safe to say that one of these two will reveal later on to Brad that Jenni brought her modeling photo book on this show. I’ll give you one guess as to who it is. Her name rhymes with “laid”, she probably owns a pair of clear heels, and she’s perfected the art of unstrapping her top while hanging upside down from a pole. Time’s up. Nope, it’s not Hilly the Sill. It’s Jade. C’mon, I gave you enough clues. How did you not get that? That one was easy.

-I got my timing mixed up. Brad didn’t give Sarah her rose until after he toyed with Jenni’s emotions by making out with her. Which makes Jenni very confused. “Wait, he just made out with me, but then he gave her a rose. I don’t get it. I thought I was a good kisser. I waited until he was done talking. I let him touch me in places that are forbidden by guys I’ve only know for a few days, and I even complimented him on how rough his beard feels against my face enough to give me a rash. Why didn’t I get a rose? Why? Why? Why?” At least, that’s what I think she said.

-Hot tub time, and immediately Brad breaks out with the, “Ok, so ladies, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” Translation: This is the point where I ask what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done, because with the cameras rolling, I’m banking that whatever it is you haven’t done, you’ll do right now. First up? Solisa. The one with the high morals and values. Jumps out of the hot tub, rips her top off, her giant cans are free for everyone on the beach to see, and runs into the water. “Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Solisa. We’re engaged. I knew I’d propose to her the moment she took her top off for me on our first date. We’re in love.” This story really could have a happy ending. Yes, that happy ending.

-Solisa’s reasoning for taking off her top and running wildly on the beach with her kiddies bouncing around? “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do”. I think Solisa’s involvement in the church somewhere in Georgetown, Texas will probably become less and less the more we see of this show. Georgetown, Texas? There’s a city called Georgetown out here? Where? Is it near me? If it is, can I go by and nominate Solisa to be a Youth Ministry leader? I think she’d make an excellent role model to young Christian girls in the thriving metropolis known as Georgetown, Texas. We’re all behind you Solisa. The art of showing your tates on national television is not something that’s easily learned. That takes some skill.

-Now we’re back at the mansion and the girls get one last shot to beg and plead for a rose. Michele is up first she her neck is cracked in half and she couldn’t join in all the reindeer games with everyone else. Michele says she is 30, wants to be married someday, have kids, travel, and she’s still working to pay off college. Well, that sounded like all the right things to say. What she didn’t mention were the Jon Bon Jovi posters plastered all over her room. I feel that Brad needed to know this. One must always have the full story before deciding whether or not to get it on with a Jovi chick. I wonder if Michele liked Blake Lewis rendition of “You Give Love a Bad Name”? Or like every true Jovi fan, did she hate it, because he ruined what they consider “musical heaven.” “Whooooooooaaaa….we’re halfway there…..”

-Uh oh. Someone’s got a secret. And of all girls, it’s Bettina. I never would’ve expected that. Let’s just say Bettina and Bevin have something very much in common. And it’s not bulging biceps. No, they’ve both been married. And judging by how well Andy seemed to take that news, I think we can officially eliminate Bettina’s chances of winning. Damn. I had her pegged for top four too. Maybe she still will get that far. Depends how long she keeps her secret. She was considering telling him last night when he noticed something was wrong, but then blurted out, “I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be”, which is always a good save in that situation. I mean really. Can you go wrong with that line? Didn’t think so. It’s a 100 on the corniness scale, no doubt, but it also might get you in the sack. So good work Bettina. Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anyone.

-Jenni has found out that Strippy McStripper and Silly McHillary were snooping through her bra collection and found her modeling portfolio. This makes Jenni cry because she said she only brought the book because “I wanted people to see my friends”. Uh huh. By “friends” did you mean “all pictures of me after 2 hours in the makeup chair and my body airbrushed?” Maybe bringing her modeling portfolio isn’t as big a deal as they’re making it out to be, but it sure is an odd thing to be bringing on the show, isn’t it? Basically, she wants to show off. Hey, Solisa just showed off and Brad didn’t seem to mind. She was just a little more open about it. And her breasts are ginormous, so she’s allowed to show off. I’m not sure how I feel about Jenni bringing pictures of herself. Is it a little self-centered and conceited? Sure. But is it a deal breaker? I don’t think so. Now, if we find out she brought her black book and pictures of all her ex-boyfriends dating back to 1991, then there might be a problem.

-Jade the Snitchy Stripper sits Brad down and becomes the first woman this season to begin the “I think there are some women who are here for the wrong reasons” campaign. You can always count on at least one or two of those a season, guaranteed. But just to save a little face, Jade doesn’t name names. She just says that “someone brought their modeling portfolio”. Jade the “boutique sales girl from Nashville, Tennessee” is ratting on Jenni without spelling out J-E-N-N-I. Brad doesn’t really seem to give a crap other than the “Ok, thank you. I’ll take that into consideration” line. Translation: Look, I already felt up Jenni at the beach. Like I’m gonna let some 7th grade modeling book determine whether or not she gets a rose. Please. By the way Jade, what do you consider a better song to take your clothes off to? “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, or “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails?

-Rose Ceremony time. But first, Brad must speak and annunciate every word in his sentence like he’s just learning how to read. That’s one thing about Brad that gets me. He has like the genuine excitement of a schoolboy when he talks to the camera. “Today, the ladies and are going to spend a day the beach under the sun! It should be so much fun! I can’t wait to get to know them!”

-Brad: “The stakes are higher now…getting to know you….to say this is a tough decision would be an understatement….why are we only going from 15 down to 12 tonight?….can’t we speed up this process and get to the end?…I don’t want to be here anymore…..”

Kristy: Couldn’t tell you one thing about her.

Bettina: “Mmmmm….hmmmm….somethings comin over me….my baby’s got a secret.” That’s Madonna in case you couldn’t tell.

The Sillary: I think she’s the one that ends up being all the guy’s best friend.

Stephy: Her name has morphed from “Estephania” to “Stephy”. I’ll call her “Phanny”.

Sheena: Yet another one I’m completely clueless about other than her being the sister of the Master of the Universe.

McCarten: You will go by Delaney, and you’ll like it.

Jenni: How long does she wait before her and Brad take a trip down memory lane and we get bored to tears looking at her modeling pics? I say two episodes.

Lindsey: She’s tall and blonde. And a model. That guarantees you Top Ten at least.

Strippery Snitchy Jade: I think she whispered, “Michele has crabs” when she got her rose. I think.

“Ladies, Beardy, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. And make it soon because Solisa’s giant boobs are distracting me.”

Solisa: All three of them were thrilled to receive the final rose.

-Once again, not much drama by the three chicks on their way out the door. Erin said, “Just when I was restoring my faith in relationships, here I am standing out in the parking lot just getting dumped.” Ouch. You can now go back to hating men, Erin. It’s ok. Mallory didn’t seem like she cared in the least bit that she was let go. And Michele sang “I’ll Be There For You” as she left the show all the while holding up a lighter. Peace out, Michele. Hope your neck gets better.

-Well, well, well, it looks like next week we find out that the Hillary the Sillary is our resident looney bin who can’t stop crying on dates. Can’t wait for that. Also, Brad pulls the switcheroo on the girls by bringing in twin brother Chad, who really doesn’t look like him at all. What a bunch of crazy pranks this show pulls. Does that mean Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out of the “Pick Me!” photo room next week? God, I can’t wait. Because that always ranks a rousing 2 on the comedy scale. Until next week….

-Yes, “Dr. Reality Steve” has returned. Continue to read below as we have our first female guest columnist in the history of RealitySteve.com. I should be awarded some medal of honor for allowing that to happen. I mean, me? Reality Steve. Allowing a female to express her opinions on my site. What’s gotten into me? If you’d like any questions/comments/queries/relationship advice dissected by myself and another female, send all your emails to steve@realitysteve.com. Your response last week was more than I expected. The more the merrier. Keep em’ coming….

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