The Bachelor 11 - Brad

The Bachelor Recap – 10/8/07

-Thanks to all those who have sent emails to Dr. Reality Steve. I appreciate it, the girls appreciate it, and I’m glad I decided to let the female voice be heard here at RealitySteve.com. It was time for that. I think. Keep the emails coming. This week, Lisa from the “Bachelor – Rome” was our guest columnist, and she did a great job. Especially when the questions surrounded sex, sex, more sex, and affairs. Outstanding. I should be getting paid for my knowledge. As for last night’s episode, let’s get to it because there were definitely a few things that disturbed me.

-Boy, they just get the ball moving right away on this show now, don’t they? Not four seconds have passed before Host Chris is all up in our business explaining how the dates are going to go. And just like he has for all 14 seasons of this show, he tells us there will be 2 group dates, and one solo date. A rose will be presented at each one. First group date is Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah, and “It’s pronounced De-AHNA”, and they’re all going to the circus. I was totally put off by this for two reasons. First off, how can you have the date at the circus and Solisa not be invited? Wouldn’t her circus boobs fit right in? Please. I think including Solisa on the circus date should’ve been a no brainer. Maybe the juggler could’ve done something with her mummeries to entertain the crowd. Something. Anything. Oh wait. You say her group date has her in a bikini on a boat giving lap dances? Yeah, keep her out of the circus.

-Before they leave, “It’s pronounced De-AHNA” tells us that she hasn’t been to the circus in a long time. There’s a reason for that, Didi. The circus sucks. Always has, always will. Honestly, is there anything at the circus that is remotely funny or entertaining if you’re over the age of 10? And I’m not talking about Cirque De Soleil. I’m talking about Ringling Bros. and the band of circus freaks they bring along with them like Lobster Boy, and the Bearded Lady, and that hilarious routine where 18 people climb out of a Volkswagon Bug. High comedy right there, I tell ya’. Had me in stitches. Why not just top it all off by throwing buckets of confetti on each other? Because, you know, we’re supposed to think it’s water. But when it’s really confetti, that’s like, the funniest thing we’ve ever seen. Frankly, I didn’t even know the circus still traveled the country. I guess America has a hard on for gay men swinging from bars in leotards. I don’t get it.

-Either the girls did a wonderful job acting, or they were really entertained by the fact they got to go to the circus. Sarah got to feed the elephant. Then he snorted right in her face. The only thing I realized after watching this was how lucky I am to have my health, a good job, and a relatively happy life. Because I could only imagine what a miserable existence I’d lead if my job in life was to be the guy who cleans up after the elephant. I’ve seen those people at the fair before, and lets just say, it’s not the next IBM CEO in training. In fact, it’s probably the guy who sat next to you in high school who always looked dirty, wore flannels, and turned in his homework once a month. Hey, maybe the person in charge of shoveling the elephant’s bodily fluids into a giant paper bag is an M.I.T. grad and loves his job more than anything else but…..no, he’s not, and no, he doesn’t. Hanging around elephants all day is seriously the last thing I think I’d want to do all day if given the opportunity.

-Jenni was no doubt in her element at the circus. Not because she’s a circus freak or something, but because, well, I don’t know. She just said she was. Then proceeded to do a back handspring to show off for everybody. She should’ve just whipped out her portfolio to show us. I’m sure that’s covered in there. Regardless, Brad is giddy over the thought of Jenni. Brad: “Every time I see Jenni, she’s the only girl I still get nervous around.” I wonder why that is? Because he kissed her first? Because he likes her the most so far? Because she’s on the show for the wrong reasons? Hmmm…don’t know. Hope we find out.

-Jenni gets Brad alone and lays down the law. “Look, if I’m gonna be the one you pick, I still need to dance for the Phoenix Suns, and my life is in Phoenix, so your ass is gonna have to wait a year before we move forward with anything. Got it?” Maybe not in that tone, but hey, that’s how I took it. She basically said that if she’s the one picked, she still wants to finish school, and they’ll have to do the long distance/phone sex thing until she graduates. Since Brad is so excited he’s kissed her already, she could’ve told him she had webbed feet and was thinking of the traveling with the circus, and he wouldn’t have cared. He not only agrees to it, but doesn’t even hesitate and put up any argument. Brad is so kind. I think he’s the type of guy who’d lay his jacket down on a puddle so she could walk over it. Which by the way, I don’t think has ever happened in the history of the world. How did that myth ever come to be? You mean some guy out there actually did that? What a nancy boy. My jacket? In a puddle? Yeah, that’ll happen. How about you just step around the puddle, honey?

-The alone time Brad had with Stephy kinda creeped me out. I’m all for loving your parents and all, but, Stephy said she wants to marry someone like her dad. He’s a triathlete and she really respects him and his hard work, etc. So much so that she started crying when talking about him. The only thing this did was give me Melrose Place flashbacks when Allison left Billy at the altar. Maybe Stephy just worded it wrong, but, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that they want to marry someone that reminds them of their mom or dad. I could be way off base here. You know what? Forget I brought it up. Stephy’s not gonna win anyway, so let’s not get all worked up about it. So Stephy likes her dad. Let it be. God Steve. So rude. I know. Now I’m talking to myself and typing it out. It’s late.

-So they’re at the circus, and lo and behold, the freakin’ clown introduces Brad as the sexiest Bachelor ever. The clown. The dude with the giant red nose, big floppy shoes, yellow hair, and permanent smile. The clown didn’t really just call Brad the sexiest Bachelor ever, did he? How is that possible? Clowns are asexual as far as I’m concerned. If you’re a female clown, you probably live at home alone with your nine cats. If you’re a male clown, you definitely don’t like women, and most men would find you creepy. So I don’t know who you hang out with. And every time I’ve been around little kids who approached by clowns, they start crying. So are clowns really good for our society? Are they serving a useful purpose? Do we really need more people in this world making balloon animals and honking horns at us? I surely don’t think so. Let’s start a petition banning all clowns from existence. Lobster boy, I’m ok with you. Clowns, not so much.

-So they actually rolled out Brad and all the ladies in front of the circus crowd and explained to them what was going on. At the end of the night,
Brad was going to give a rose to one of these ladies. And I’m sure the Ana-crime crowd couldn’t have cared any less if they tried. Considering the crowd was probably packed with 50% kids, I’m sure a lot of them went home disappointed. “Did you like the circus little Johnny?” “I loved it, Mom! But what was all that crap about the bearded guy giving one of those bimbos a rose? Why did we have to see that? I wanted to see more people getting shot out of cannons and gay men sticking their heads in the mouth of a lion.”

-When Brad addressed the crowd, the reaction to him was pretty much what you’d expected….silence. I really don’t think the whole “The Bachelor Meets the Circus” theme went over well. Call me crazy. But Brad loved it. Brad: “When we went down there, I felt like that kid in ‘Titanic’. I felt like the king of the world.” That kid in “Titanic”. You mean multiple Oscar nominee, Leonardo Dicaprio? Show some respect. That’s Leo you’re talking about. He can have you taken off TV in minutes. When he was on “Growing Pains”, that’s when you could call him a kid. But in “Titanic”, don’t think so. I can’t believe you insulted the Great Leo by calling him that. One of the finest actors of our generation and you couldn’t remember his name? And its not like you were referencing some obscure movie either. “Titanic”? Only about a gazillion people saw that piece of crap. And I don’t believe for a second that girly man did the brave thing by freezing his ass off in the water while Rose survived. B.S. He should’ve knocked someone who was already dead off their piece of wood, and maybe he and Rose would still be together today. Jack is probably the type of guy who lays his jacket down over a puddle. Wuss.

-So even Brad gets bored at the circus and has to pull girls away for some alone time. He pulls McCarten and her bikini tan away for a bit to ask her what her vibe is about the whole experience. Brad: “Am I getting a friend vibe here?” McCarten: “Oh, no, no, no. I definitely don’t feel a friend vibe. Do you feel a friend vibe? Cuz’ I certainly don’t feel a friend vibe. I feel much more than that. No, no, no….no friend vibe here. How could you think such a thing?” Yeah, he’s feeling the friend vibe. Why else would he bring that up? I love how McCarten went into full defensive mode after that. McCarten, what he’s basically trying to say is, Solisa showed us her cans, he’s already made out with Jenni, and right now, you’re running a close 2nd to a stop sign in terms of his sexual compatibility with. You might want to take off your clothes or be more flirty. Or try kissing him when he’s not in mid sentence and looking the other way.

-Back at the house, the solo date box arrives and Silly the Hilly begins to read it. Then screams out loud and makes a scene because it’s her. Now, I will say this, somehow the Sillary has made a transformation already from Episode One to Episode Three as someone who I’d have relations with. And by “relations” I mean “deep conversation with no heavy petting involved”. Cute girl. Just silly. That’s why she’s refers to herself as Silly Hillary. Because it describes her personality. And rhymes. Or not. Whatever the case, she gets the solo date and all the other catty girls look at her like she’s got some disease. Time to go try on the black dress that is given to her and one that accentuated her boobs. Good choice, ABC. We hear at Reality Steve were in favor of that dress choice. Well, at least I was. Can’t speak for everyone else.

-Back at the Big Top Pee Wee, the scary clown comes over to the front row on the microphone and tells the whole audience that it’s now time for Brad to give one of the ladies a rose. Then he leaves and goes back to the show, and Brad, sitting in the middle of six women and a screaming audience with kids everywhere, gives the rose to Stephy. So wait, what was the point of that? You trolled Brad and the girls out to the middle of the circus to announce later on he’d be giving a rose to one of them, but when he finally does make the rose announcement, nobody gets to hear it or see it? That made no sense at all. Hence the reason all circus’ need to come to an end. Boooooooooooooooo circus. And yes, I don’t know either why Stephy got the rose. That’s not the point. It was the most uneventful, unromantic way anyone has ever gotten a rose on this show. Ever. Period. End of story. The circus is the devil.

-So back at the house, Hilarious the Silarious is getting ready for her big date and putting on her dress. I noticed something when she was zipping up. Her bra was purple. Or blue. And her dress was black. Maybe this is a fashion no-no, maybe it isn’t. I just thought I’d point it out. I notice these types of things. I’m very observant. Bra color has always been an issue with me. I think it all started when I used to work with someone who constantly wore see through shirts. Now, you might say, “Steve, what’s wrong with the whore who wore see through shirts at your work?” Ah hah. That’s the issue. Her bras were a complete opposite color of the top she had on. Sometimes she’d rock the light pink shirt with a black bra. Or the see through white top with a pink bra. I’m no fashion expert, and I didn’t create the Wonderbra, but even I though that you don’t wear a black bra if you have on a white top. Hillys dress was black, so this is all a moot point. I just wanted to embarrass my former co-worker and call her out for dressing so tacky.

-So Brad arrives at the house bearing gifts. Well, just one gift. A million dollar necklace for the Hilarious One to wear. And he presents it to her in front of the other girls, which makes them about as happy as Jes was to see Brett Michaels on the “Rock of Love” Reunion show. Yeah, like they don’t already have production for Season 2 up and rolling. Anyway, why did ABC screw over Sillariously? Haven’t the past diamonds given out been worth $2 million? She only gets a million? Tells you what they think of her. I think she should’ve made like a diva, refused to wear the jewelry, and called out ABC for only giving her a million in ice, when in past seasons, they got 2 mil. Totally ridiculous. Who even got the jewelry last season? I remember Lorenzos season, because that was that one manly looking chick who got dumped while on the date. Sucks to be her. I’m sure she’s not scarred for life now.

-I would recap how Brad and Hilly connected on their date, but it’s impossible to determine if they did or not considering he spent the whole date wiping tears off her face. I think she started crying the minute they delivered her food. Wow. What an emotional train wreck she was. Could she have stopped crying just for a minute? Was that too much to ask? Can we hear you speak without sniffling mid sentence? I actually felt sorry for Brad. What the hell do you do in that situation when you’re on a FIRST DATE, and she’s crying uncontrollably about basically nothing? Calm down woman. You’re one of twelve left. This isn’t the final rose ceremony. You aren’t going to be on the cover of US Weekly next week. He doesn’t even know your last name yet. Yikes. Imagine if he ends up picking her in the end? She might just pass out.

-Because he either felt sorry for her, or actually liked her, who knows, but he gave her a rose to stay. And I’m sure at some point she told him she wants to have his babies. But at least she stopped crying. For now. They went to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory, had some chocolate, kissed, then she admitted she’s “falling in love with him”. Psycho alert! Psycho alert! Let me tell you something. In all honesty, Hillary. From me to you. I’m being sincere when I say this: Shut up. No you’re not. You’ve been on one freaking date with him. You’re not falling in love with him. Now, what you are falling in love with is the free black dress and million dollars of jewelry you were given. Something tells me if you guys went to T.G.I. Fridays for an appetizer sampler on your first date, your reactions and emotions would be just a tad different.

-So the next group date has Kristy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa and Friends. They’re all going sailing. At least ABC knew to put Solisa and Friends on a date which included more bikini wearing. And alcohol. Always a good combo. Brad spends his first solo time with Kristy, who is taking a liking to him. Somewhat. Kristy: “It seemed like I was talking to a friend that I was very attracted to.” Uh oh. That’s not good. Now you’re gonna become his friend with benefits girl. You don’t want that. You and McCarten need to devise a plan to somehow get out of the friends dept. Do a double strip tease, liquor him up and do what they did to Brett on “Rock of Love”, something. Brad did not travel from Austin, Texas to Southern California to make friends. He’s looking for love, OK? He’s got plenty of friends back home that he’s at the bars that he owns. And those friends, I’m sure, can perform just as well and just as often as you. They’re called is hookups. And if you want to be one of those, you’ll just have to get in line.

-Speaking of hookups, Solisa and Friends definitely brought her moral values and conservative ways onto this date. She’s now giving brad a lap dance in her short jeans skirt. Why? Well, she has her reasons. Solisa and Friends: “I was shaking my butt really fast for Brad, cuz’ it’s the only thing I know how to do.” No, I didn’t make that quote up. Yes, she said that, and yes, she set back the woman’s movement back about 50 years in the process. But hey, at least she got some booty poppin’ in, since that’s what’s important. And made Brad pitch a tent in the process. Congrats.

-Back at the house, they figured they’d introduce us to who would be the catty women this season. Ladies and Gentlemen, playing the roles of “girls that all the other girls will talk about about behind their backs”, McCarten and Didi! McCarten and Didi told Sillary that they were hoping she wouldn’t come back from her solo date. So, while being honest, they also alienated themselves as being the bitches of the house. Cheers to you, ladies. Does McCarten smile? She always seems to have some dirty look or scowl on her face. I think that might not be a good thing. Especially when Jenni is laughing every twelve seconds and Sillary is crying and showing her boobs. Brad likes that.

-Back on the Love Boat, it’s time for Sheena to, well, finally get some air time. Have we heard Sheena speak up to this point? All this time, I just thought she was a pretty face with breasts. Or is it breasts with a pretty face? Whatever. Sheena is competitive. Especially on jet skis where she decides it would be really cool to cut Brad off, almost cause a giant catastrophe, and get a speeding ticket in the process by the boat police. Don’t piss off the boat police, I tell ya’. They carry a big stick. Sheena thinks this might hurt her chances and that showing off might get her sent home. See? See what happens when you try too hard in front of the guy you like? I did the same exact thing in 6th grade. I used to show off and play basketball at recess in front of the girl I liked in hopes that she’d like me. You know, because all middle school girls are turned on by the basketball player. But then when she got too busy playing tetherball, I tried to show off doing that and ended up looking utterly ridiculous. And let me just state for the record, tetherball is the stupidest recess game ever. Why not just call it, “Tallest person wins”? Which made it even worse, since I was tall, and never won. And got numerous rope burns in the process. But at least I impressed Christie with it.

-As much as I like Bettina, she became cliché woman last night. Bettina: “I did not expect to come into this and expect to have feelings like this.” Doesn’t someone say that every season? Bevin was the queen of it last season. That I do remember. About how she never thought she’d fall for someone so quickly, and she never expected anything like this, and blah blah blah blah blah. Look, if you didn’t expect it, then you never would’ve signed up for it. You wanted to fall for someone, and when it actually happens, then you get freaked out. It’s ok, honey. No worries that 10 million people are watching you on a weekly basis. Now, go drop the divorce bomb on Brad.

-I thought Brad took Bettina’s divorce rather well. “Excuse me, what’d you say?” Probably not the reaction she was looking for. Here’s what you have going for you Bettina. You’re attractive, you seem intelligent, and Brad seems to like you. The negative side? You’ve already had honeymoon sex before. That’s a killer. Even if you were only married for a year, you still walked down the aisle already with some other douche bag, and that’s going to bother Brad. I think. I don’t know. I’m just guessing. Probably because I’m pretending that I’m in Brad’s shoes right now, and it would bother the piss out of me. Sorry. Just the way I am. You can have kids already, I can deal with that, but, previously married? Sorry. Can’t do it. I want to be the first one because I’m selfish like that. So there.

-So, Kristy the Friends with Benefits girl, gets the rose. This happened after he talked with Bettina, and now Bettina is nervous that her divorce might ruin her chances. Oh, it will. No worries. He’ll string you out though, tell you all the things you want to hear, make you believe you’re the one for him, then in true Bevin-like fashion, will send you on your way by saying, “In the end, the divorce bothered the hell out of me and I couldn’t deal with it. Have a nice life.” So don’t worry, Bettina. Those emotional scars will heal in no time. You’re a strong girl. You dumped your husband after a year and now you’re on a reality dating show. That shows a lot of character. Ummm, can we get some details on the divorce? Thanks. I appreciate it.

-At this point, the show turned into an episode of “Punk’d” as Brad’s twin brother, Chad, joined in the party. And Brad was very happy to see Chad. Almost too happy. Brad: “The single most important thing in my life is the fact I have a twin brother.” Huh? Once again, I think he and Stephy worded things wrong. Stephy wants to marry someone like her dad, and Brad is defined by having a twin brother. He didn’t say his twin brother is the single most important person in his life. No, he said the FACT he has a twin brother is the single most important thing in his life. In the immortal words of Brian Fantana: “Take it easy, Champ. Why don’t you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.”

-So Chrad devise a plan that Chad will go into the house and pretend to be Brad, all the while Brad is watching Chad on the video monitors to see which one of the ladies thinks they’re actually talking to Brad or talking to Chad. Because the women that don’t realize that Chad isn’t Brad means they must not like Brad that much. And the women that do catch on that Chad isn’t really Brad, well that makes Brad very happy because he doesn’t have to worry about them trying to sleep with his brother. It’s all crazy games and hijinx on this show, I tell ya’. What a trick this is going to be! Can’t wait for the results! Brad sends Chad on his way into the house. Brad: “I think if anybody can do this, you can.” Well, considering he’s the only identical twin brother you have, yeah, I’m guessing he is the only one who can do this. As ditzy as some of these women look, I’m guessing they wouldn’t be fooled if a 5’7” blonde haired guy walked in pretending to be you. Brad can really be a simpleton at times, can’t he? He’s like the master of the obvious with some of the things he says.

-So here are the results from the Chrad Experiment. Girls that were clueless:

Lindsey
Sarah

Girls who knew right away:

Sheena
Kristy
Bettina
Didi
Stephy

Girl who thought she knew but didn’t say anything immediately:

McCarten

-So really, the only experiment was pretty lame. So someone didn’t notice that your brother wasn’t you. Big deal. Like you two didn’t play that trick about 1,000 times during your bartending days. Hell, I’m sure you made a game out of it and have shared women numerous times in your life. You know, before your brother got married and became whipped. I like how Chad tried to pretend he didn’t know what he was coming on the show for. Brad: “I want you to go into the party and pretend to be me.” Chad: “Oh ok. Yeah, no problem. I can do that for you.” Uh huh. I bet half the reason they even cast Brad as the Bachelor was because they knew at some point they could pull this trick off. Well, that and they could show him with his shirt off 4,000 times in the first 3 episodes.

-Rose Ceremony time. Hilarious the Silarious, Stephy, and Kristy the Friend with Benefits are safe. Tribal Council time. It’s now time to vote. Brad, you’re up. Brad: “Before I begin….incredible opportunity…Chad and I were talking….I gotta go with my heart…..and if you actually think that I looked like my brother, the chances of you staying are slim and none.”

Sheena: I guess committing crimes on jet skis didn’t send her home after all. That was less important than knowing Chad wasn’t Brad.

McCarten: The claws are going to start coming out on this chick.

Jenni: She accepted the rose “with all my heart.” Where’s my Kleenex? That was so touching. And I just vomited a tad onto the floor. I need to wipe that up.

Jade the Snitch Stripper: I don’t think we heard 3 words from her this episode. That’s probably a good thing.

Didididididididi: Although has a little bitchy in her, will still be around for a while.

“Ladies, Brad, Chad, whoever you are, whatever your name is, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready to disappoint three more women, go ahead. I’ll be waiting over here in the corner in anticipation.”

Bettina: You may be a divorcee, but you are hot. And you didn’t want to do Chad.

-It was very sad seeing Brad say goodbye to Solisa and Friends. They were very hurt by not being given a final rose. But that’s ok. Solisa and Friends put it in perspective for us on the way out the door. “He did see those very special parts of me, because I wear those special parts on the outside. It’s just those special parts weren’t parts that he was looking for.” Umm, what did that mean? Does anybody have any clue. She told her earlier that the only thing she knows how to do is shake her booty. Wrong. She also knows how to make absolutely no sense during her run-on sentence, as well. And she calls her own breasts her “special parts”. Wow. I’m speechless.

-Lindsey took a different approach to being dumped. “I’m not gonna sit here and cry over something that wasn’t there.” Then proceeded to cry. Lindsey was eliminated for the simple fact she couldn’t tell Brad from Chad. No hard feelings. Just because you wanted to do my brother and not me, no big deal. Just means you’re going home and I never want to see you again.

-Next week, the cattiness begins. Dididididididi and Jade go on 2-on-1 date and only one returns. And did we mention they hate each other? Hmmmm…I wonder who that’s gonna be? Also, we get some play time at the Improv and Kristy the Friend with Benefits starts crying because she feels stupid. For what? Being at the Improv or coming on this show? Tune in next week to find out. Until then….

-Continue reading for this weeks version of “Dr. Reality Steve” with our special guest columnist Lisa, from the “Bachelor: Rome”. Not sure yet who’s doing next week, but send any questions, comments, emails, sex queries, relationship advice to steve@realitysteve.com, and maybe your letter will be answered next week.

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