The Bachelor 11 - Brad

The Bachelor Recap – 10/15/07

-For as long as I can remember, I’ve told everyone who’s a fan of the “Bachelor” to never take this show seriously. Never get invested in any of the characters, never hope for a sappy, fairy tale ending, never think that the “Bachelor” himself is actually really looking for love, etc. Just basically keep your guard up, watch this show for entertainment purposes only, and and never, EVER, take this show seriously. It’d be stupid too, since more often than not, you’d end up disappointed. You want to know how serious even the media takes this show? Here is the exact show description from my DVR last night when I pressed the “INFO” button:

“True love (well, love anyway) gets the reality treatment in a popular show.”

Damn. Even the people at Time Warner, or whoever writes these show descriptions, is making fun of it. I didn’t even know you were allowed to write anything sarcastic in the show descriptions. Hilarious. And easy on the “popular show” reference. Just because 10 million people a week watch it doesn’t mean its popular. Popular is “Grey’s Anatomy” or “CSI” or “American Idol”. This isn’t popular. It’s a niche show that the same exact 10 million people watch every season. Including yours truly.

-More to that point. If anyone is really interested in knowing how this show is REALLY edited, and really NOT reality, look no further than Kate’s blog. Kate was one of the Bachelorettes last season fighting for Andy. And needless to say, whether or not she should contractually be writing her blog is another story, but I don’t care. This stuff is pure gold. Check out some of the dirt she spills about the inner workings of the show. And this isn’t coming from a friend of a friend of friend who knew someone on the show. This is someone who was in it. And she has basically nothing nice to say about anything – the producers, the show, even Andy himself. Uhhh, Kate didn’t think too much of Andy. This is a must read if you watch the “Bachelor” on a weekly basis. Or even if you don’t, you should read it. Keep up the good work Kate. And you’re welcome for the plug.

http://www.katebrockhouse.blogspot.com/

Like I said, I have no idea if she’s even allowed to be writing stuff like this, but I don’t care. And neither should you. And yes, I believe every word of it. Who would go out of their way to make all this stuff up if they knew it could possibly get them in trouble? I’m sure a lot of you may have heard this is how the show works, but weren’t really 100% sure. Well, here’s proof from someone who was on it and is candidly talking about it. Hope you enjoy.

-Quick note about “Dr. Reality Steve”. It’s back this week with Jayanna from “Age of Love”. And let’s just say she doesn’t hold much back. Including what kind of girl toys she buys for herself and size she likes her men. Yes, that size. Read for yourself. Great stuff. Also, a first in “Dr. Reality Steve” history next week, as our guest columnist will be a woman who eliminated on THIS season of the Bachelor. She’s more than excited to answer all of your crazy questions. Who is it? Find out next week. Onto last night….

-Host Chris informs us we have three dates in this episode: a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 date where one of the girls will be going home. The first date box arrives and its for Jenni. She gets the 1-on-1 and couldn’t be happier. “All my life this is what I’ve looked forward to. I can’t wait to hear his voice. I can’t wait to kiss him on the neck.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up girly. Really? Your whole life? This is what you’ve been looking forward to? A date with a guy you’ve known for two weeks on a reality television show? Wow. You sure set your goals high as a little girl. Most girls when you asked them what they’re dreams were growing up were to get married, have kids, have a great job, have a house with a white picket fence, a couple dogs running in the yard. But you? Oh no. You were thinking much, much deeper than that. A date with Brad Womack. Hey, can’t beat that. And by the way, since Brad has the neck beard going, you might want to shy away from the whole necking thing. Could get quite prickly.

-Brad arrives via helicopter at the mansion and definitely is rockin’ the “Saturday Night Fever” white jacket. If he only would’ve worn the tight white pants, he could’ve been a spitting image of Tony Manero. Except for the beard thing. And the bad Italian accent. And the Scientology thing. Could you imagine if when “Grease” came out, we knew then what we knew now about John Travolta? I’d probably hate that movie. Instead, it’s in my Top 10 of all time. Since Hollywood is so big into re-creating movies that were done years ago, I think they should do that with Grease. And use the exact same cast. Man, would the storylines ever have to change. Instead of Danny trying to feel up Sandy at the drive-in, he would’ve been trying to get her to believe in the God Xenu. Kenickie would’ve never been able to race at Thunder Road cuz’ he would’ve been in rehab. And Rizzo would still be a slut. C’mon Hollywood execs. Someone put that movie together. Cinema gold, I tell ya’.

-Ms. Sillary is very upset that Brad just left via helicopter with Jenni. So upset that she’s crying about it. Her reasoning: “I just feel like my boyfriend left with the hottest, sexiest, f***ing girl ever.” Gee, tell us how you really feel. Plus, she also knows that Brad and Jenni have very hot, steamy, sexual chemistry, and her 1-on-1 with Brad last show had about as much sexual steam as two pieces of cardboard mating. She’s afraid that since her date wasn’t sexual, Brad will overlook her. Translation: Since I didn’t put out, Brad’s not going to like me. Yeah, that’s pretty much how it works in this game. The loose girls always get the guy. Isn’t that the saying? Isn’t that how life works? Whatever the case, judging by next weeks previews, this won’t be what we’ll be remembering Hillary the non-sexual Sillary by. Someone get her a Kleenex please. Her mascara is running all down her face.

-So the helicopter drops Brad and Jenni off on the top of a hotel where they have dinner and a couch. I noticed that Jenni has big loopy earrings, and you know my thoughts on big loopy earrings. Girls who wear them like to have sex. Just my theory. Anyway, Jenni tells Brad she hasn’t stopped thinking about their kiss during the beach date. And Brad tells her that when she told him at the circus that she wants him to be the one she falls in love with, that really struck a chord with him. I gotta say, for it being so early in the show, they are making it awfully for us to think he doesn’t pick her. Every time they’re together, they’re kissing or touching each other and he loads her with compliments. So that means either one of two things: Either ABC wants us to think Brad picks Jenni this early, so we’re surprised in the end when he doesn’t, or, he picks her since she’s the first girl he kissed, the first girl he gave a rose to, and the first girl he laid pipe to. So in the end if he does pick, it’ll all be like a fairytale ending with horse carriages, and big white dresses, and rose petals everywhere. Because that’s what fairy tales have in them. I know this because I read children’s books.

-Back at the mansion, date box #2 arrives, and its for the group date. By process of elimination, this means that Didididididididididididi and Strippery Snitchy Jade will be going on the 2-on-1 date with one of them going home. As all the women are sitting around gossiping and being catty towards each other, it’s made perfectly clear that Dididididididididi and Delaney McCarten are the two girls that everyone hates the most. They don’t like the fact that any of the other girls don’t speak their mind. Because they do, and apparently, that’s important. Jade even curses out Dididdididididi for not letting her speak, and even calls her a b**ch and drops a few f-bombs. Jade can’t wait to go on her 2-on-1 date to expose Dididididididididi for the horrible person Jade thinks she is. I can’t wait either because something told me that plan would fail miserably or never even happen. Or both. I hate being right all the time.

-Back to Jenni and Brad’s kissing date. There was a lot of it. On the couch, with legs wrapped around each other and the like. These two seem to enjoy each others company. And tongues. Jenni is smitten: “I feel like he’s my boyfriend.” Uh oh. This could be a recipe for disaster. What if he doesn’t pick her. He’s been on three dates with her and already she’s becoming Ms. Protective. Hey Jenni, you might feel like he’s your boyfriend, but my man Brad still has eight other women back at the house he needs to stick his tongue into, so don’t get too excited yet. Right now, you’re the front runner. But you never know what ol’ Bettina has up her sleeve. Or that sexual predator Hillary. I guess you don’t need to worry about Stephy, or Delaney McCarten, or Jade because he’s already thrown them in the friend category and hasn’t tried to attack them with his mouth. They’ve been thrown in the “great personality” category, which on this show, is the kiss of death. And who knows, maybe Brad will pull a Brett Michaels at the end and ask the final two if they wouldn’t mind sharing him? Awesome. And yes, they’ve already begun casting for season 2 of “Rock of Love” since Jes already dumped him. Gee, never saw that one coming.

-So the group date is at an Improv class called Comedy Sports LA. Talk about high comedy. I was laughing so hard, my sides were splitting. And by “laughing so hard”, I mean “puking”. Ummm, this was not funny. Nor entertaining or mildly amusing. But Brad seemed to get a kick out of it banging away on his cowbell for God knows what reason. Anyway, one of the activities was being given a prop and using it for something that it’s not supposed to be used as. Because, you know, that’d be funny. Sillary said something about things being bigger in Texas while holding up a phallic symbol. Hilarious. Sign her up for the Groundlings. Bettina, however, took it a step further by yelling out, “Brad, I love you!” into a party hat. Afterwards she said she was embarrassed by it because she meant it. Bettina is in love with Brad. This is the time in the column where I would normally make fun of her for being in love with someone she’s been out on three dates with, but I don’t have energy anymore. It speaks for itself. Utterly ridiculous. But nonetheless, I decided to stick my head in a scalding pan of hot water. Ahhhhhhhh…much better now.

-Another hilarious activity they had to do was beg Brad for a rose while acting like a dog. Because, you know, humans acting like dogs is always a 10 on the comedy scale. What’s funnier than that? Tell me, what? Didn’t think so. See, the producers know what they’re doing. Shee-ra and her breasts are rolling around on the floor and asking Brad if he wants to rub her belly. Hillary is right in her element, because she’s silly and all, and she tells Brad she’ll pant for a rose. Oh, I bet she will. That’s not the only reason she’ll be panting. Her sexual chemistry is about at a -8 right now on the sexual chemistry meter, so she better think of something fast. Panting is definitely a start. Something tells me though she might have to physically do something to herself to make her start panting as well, and, well, this is a PG rated column and I would never dare suggest anything further than that. Hillary, you’re on your own. Good luck. Get the one that takes DD batteries.

-One woman who’s having a major problem being funny is Kristy. Why? Because apparently, she’s not a funny person. And she doesn’t like being put on the spot. And she’s not funny. Did I mention that? Here’s an example of her not being funny. Each girl had to wear a costume and flirt with Brad while in character of the costume they were wearing. Sillary was a cheerleader and said something about Brad making her poms poms all sweaty. Something like that. Something definitely hilarious. Because this is the improv and there’s supposed to be comedy involved. Kristy was up next dressed as I don’t even know what. I think a hooker. She says, “My name is Sugar. I’m looking for a little spice.” And then, I think, comedy came to a grinding halt. And Kristy started crying. Next scene has her with Brad telling him she “doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression….I can have fun….I’m out of my element….I’m the most unfunny person in the world, but please don’t hold it against me.” There was A LOT of crying on the show last night. A LOT. Basically every girl that thought she was unsafe heading into the Rose Ceremony, cried. Who knows? Maybe it was because producers were talking to them about their dead grandmother. Hey Kate, said it, not me.

-After all the hilarity died down, it was time for Brad to give someone a rose. Brad: “Each woman has far exceeded anything I expected out of them.” They have? They did? How? Did I miss something? Were they putting on a stand-up comedy clinic? Brad must be easily amused because watching that class was about as funny as color coordinating my sock drawer. So anyway, he gave the rose to Bettina because she’s good looking and not because she’s the next Chelsea Handler, that’s for sure. I guess her telling him that she loved him was good enough to earn a rose. Hey, whatever it takes. You can’t fault the divorcee. She needs to pull out all the stops in this one. Maybe even fake an ankle injury, a la Bevin. Got her to the final two, so you never know. I wonder if Bettina called Bevin before the show started to talk divorcee strategy. I would’ve loved to have listened in on that conversation. I think Bettina has a chance to win. And that chance would be “not on God’s green earth.”

-So it’s time for the Jade/Didididididididi 2-on-1 Smackdown date. The one where Jade stops at nothing to get her man, degrading Didididididididi in the process, and making sure Brad knows exactly what type of conniving, cold hearted, b**ch she is. In other words, Jade does nothing this date. The only thing Jade seems to have going for her is that she has a skirt that is riding about 10 inches above her knee. Hell, Didididididididi was so confident, she went with suit pants on this date. Jade, that must really suck you dolled yourself up for tonight, did your hair all curly and what not, wore the short mini, and basically got clobbered by the chick in the white pants. Ouch. That had to be a swift kick to the ego.

-This was a great date of one-upsmanship. Very funny to watch. Every time Brad asked Jade something about herself and she gave a good answer, Didididididi would butt in with something better.

Brad: “How would you guys feel about moving to Austin?”
Jade: “I’d definitely move.”
Didididididi: “I’d move to. But I’d walk there. With just the clothes on my back. And no water.”
Jade: “Uhhhhhh….”

Jade: “I’ve always been a hard worker. I started working for myself at age 16.”
Didididididididi: “I started working at 14. In the coal mines. Ten hours a day for $.50 an hour. And then worked the night shift at Denny’s.”
Jade: “Uhhhhhh….”

Basically, it kept going back and forth and Jade was getting hammered in every way possible. Even if Dididididididi was making up half the sh** she was saying, Brad bought it. So when Jade got her 1-on-1 time, basically the only thing she could do was try and make out with him, but that didn’t happen. It was pretty obvious Brad knew exactly who he was picking heading into this date. Jade didn’t stand a chance and was cremated on every level by the chick in the white pants.

-Back at the mansion, Bettina lets the cat out of the bag and tells the ladies she’s been divorced. Every catty woman’s ears perked up after that like a bunch of sharks that smelled blood. They definitely weren’t letting this opportunity pass them by. Even Hillary Sillary Dock had her claws come out: “If I was in Brads shoes, I probably wouldn’t date someone who’s divorced. She’s like a used car. She’s been ridden for miles.” Actually, she didn’t say that last line. I did. Because I thought that was a great used car line to use for a divorcee. And, well, it’s true. Whether or not Bettina’s divorce comes back to bite her in the ass, remains to be seen. I don’t think it’ll matter against the likes of the Kristys, and Jades, and Shee-ra’s, and McCarten’s of the world, but against the almighty Jenni and Didididididididi, it could be tough.

-Back at the 2-on-1, Brad pretty much pulled Didididididi aside for some alone time just to make sure she was up for making out with him. She said something about not wearing her heart on her sleeve, but I don’t think he gave a rat’s ass. So, in front of both women, he presents the rose to Dididididididi and Jade is sent home. Brad got right to the point on this elimination. Brad: “What I have with DeAnne is simply not present with Jade.” And that is, a boner. As he’s walking Jade back to the limo, Brad is at a loss for words. “This is one of the more uncomfortable moments of my life. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” Sure you are. Now get back upstairs and jump in the hot tub with Didididididi as Jade cries to the camera. This was awesome. Very reminiscent of the first episode of Season 2 of “Laguna Beach”, where Kristin and all her friends are in the limo singing “Since You’ve Been Gone”, as the camera pans back to Lauren’s house and Stephen and Lauren are in the hot tub. I’m sure Jade really enjoyed watching that last night. We see her opening up and balling her eyes out in the limo, all the while getting cutaways to Brad and Didididididi half naked in the hot tub making out. Awesome. Bravo ABC. You did well.

-Time for the women to make their last impressions before Brad sends the obvious two home….errr….sends two unsuspecting women home. Dididididididi officially becomes the only remaining “villain” left on the show by telling us she’s “not here to make friends”. Never fails. Every single season we get that girl who makes it known she’s not here for anything else other than winning over the Bachelor’s heart. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her, she doesn’t care what they say about her, and she will do everything in her power to isolate herself from the rest of the crowd, but put on a happy face when the Bachelor comes around. In other words, Dididididididi is this seasons Moana, from Dr. Stork’s season. Or Trish, from Jesse Palmer’s season. There are others, but the those were the only two that came to mind. And in case you didn’t notice, those women all have something in common: they didn’t win. And neither will Didididididididi. Maybe the object isn’t to make friends, but when every woman in the show is against you, it never works out. Mr. Bachelor Boy eventually finds out, it bothers him that none of the other women like you, he begins to think you don’t get along well with women, and you get dumped. Sorry Dididididididi, the white pants just won’t be enough this season. Maybe next time.

-Kristy gets one last chance to show Brad how unfunny she is. And she does an amazing job. “I can be guarded….glad you saw me cry….I can come off as shielded…..Why did the chicken cross the road?” Brad tells Kristy he might actually be intimidated by her. “You’re such a lady, and so you’re so composed. What if I’m not refined enough to be with someone like you?” Uh oh. If I’m not mistaken, he just dropped the “You’re too good enough for me” card on her. Why would he tell her that? Oh yeah, I know. To set her up for when he eventually dumps her. Sucks to be Kristy. She bombed at the Improv, she’s not gonna end up with Brad, and she was just told she was too good for him. Triple whammy. Well, I hope you at least made some friends out of the experience. Because isn’t that what this is all about anyway? “Keep smiling….keep shining….knowing you can always count on me…..for sure….that’s what friends are for……” It takes a really big man to reveal his inner Dionne Warwick to a bunch of strangers. You’re welcome.

-Shee-ra gets some alone time and, wow, what do you know? She cries. Over what, I have no idea. Probably just wanted to show that she cares and has the ability to cry at the drop of a hat because she doesn’t know if she’s getting a rose or not. What’s helping her is that Brad’s brother really likes Shee-ra and her giant guns. So do I. Cute girl. She won’t win, but at least she can take solace in the fact that Reality Steve thinks she’s cute. I’m sure that’ll make this experience that much more special for her. It should. That’s what I’m here for. You don’t know how many former contestants I’ve touched with my loving praises of them. And I don’t know either. But I bet you its hundreds.

-Kristy, Bettina, McCarten, and DeAnna all gang up on Brad and ask him who his first kiss was with. Brad admitted it was with Jenni on the beach date. This sends the cattiness to a whole other level. Led by Bettina of all people. Bettina: “I thought she was the sluttiest in the house…Wow. A slut and a liar.” Ok, ok, back up here a second. Now, I know I jump to conclusions with everything that happens on this show, and I’m the first one to joke that the Bachelor sleeps with all the women, but c’mon. Jenni’s a slut because she kissed Brad first? Low blow. I’m not on Team Bettina anymore. That was pretty ridiculous to say. And she’s a liar for not telling you she kissed him? Yeah, like you were gonna go running to everyone when you finally kissed him too, right? I’m so glad I’m not a woman. I just like watching all the shows they watch.

-Now Bettina is crying because she found out Brad kissed Jenni. She tells Jenni to her face she feels like she’s treating this like a game, and not treating it serious like her. You know, someone who’s been divorced, and is now on a TV show trying to find her next husband. Serious stuff. Bettina: “I came here not wanting to care about the guy at all.” Huh? What? This woman is losing points fast with me. So you came on a TV show where the whole object is to maybe fall in love with the guy handpicked for you, yet, you’re trying to tell us that you came here not wanting to care about him? Ummm, then why did you sign up? Oh, because you live in Hermosa Beach, probably are working on a modeling or acting career, and needed to add something to your resume. Got it. How could I be so stupid?

-Rose Ceremony time. Didididididi, Jenni, and Bettina all have roses already. Three roses left for the 5 remaining women. You can cut the suspense with a knife. Or a pair of 3rd grade scissors. Brad’s time to make his thank you speech: “Tonight much different…..focus on the positives…fell lucky to have chance to get closer to you and possibly finding future wife…..McCarten, Stephy, you never had a chance….”

Kristy: Her acting sure sucks, but, it was still better than anything McCarten or Stephy brought to the table.

Shee-ra: I think it’s just so he could set his brother up with her once Chad gets a divorce.

“McCarten, Stephy….say your goodbyes. This rose isn’t going to you. When you’re ready Brad. We’re all waiting. Impatiently I might add since we knew who was going home about two nights ago. But go ahead, act concerned, act like this is tugging at your heart strings.”

Silly Hillary the Crier: She is very happy. Until next week.

-Stephy: “I definitely have a wall around my heart….Brad wasn’t the guy….maybe someday somebody will chip away at that wall…” We hardly knew ya’, Stephy. But I hope someone does break down that wall sometime. And please, give us an update on when that happens. We’re dying to know. Not really. I was trying to be nice, but it didn’t work. I bid you a farewell, Estephania. Now go try out for the “Bachelor: Argentina”.

-McCarten: “I could definitely see Brad being the father of my children and an amazing husband.” Ummm, someone told her he didn’t pick her, right? She knows she’s going home, doesn’t she? Isn’t that something she’d say maybe after the first night or two after meeting him? Why is she saying this on her way out of the door? That’s completely backwards. Like her name. Please, change it to Delaney McCarten for my sake. I like that better.

-They promoted next week as one of their all-time best shows in history. Kristy gets embarrassed again. Shee-ra gets “the most romantic date yet” (before pulling a Michele and tumbling down the stairs), and in “the most emotional moment in Bachelor history”, Hillary leaves the show. Yeah, she was crying. Imagine that. How do I know her leaving will revolve around the phrase, “I’m having a really hard time with Brad dating other women”. You just know it’s coming.

-Continue reading for the latest edition of “Dr. Reality Steve”, with our guest columnist Jayanna, from this summer’s “Age of Love”. You’ll like it. Trust me. Not only are my answers brilliant as usual, but so are hers. And I have to give credit to you guys for sending in these questions. They definitely make it easier for us answering them when you people are so crazy. Keep em’ coming. Send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com. And remember, next week a first in Bachelor history as someone who was eliminated THIS season by Brad will be our guest columnist. Until next week….

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