UPDATE: I APOLOGIZE FOR THE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. THEY’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF MY HANDS. BLOGGER HAS BEEN SCREWY ALL DAY. THIS WAS DONE AT 9:00AM THIS MORNING, TOOK ABOUT TWO HOURS BEFORE BLOGGER WOULD LET ME POST IT, AND ITS BASICALLY BEEN APPEARING AND DISAPPEARING ALL DAY FOR NO REASON. DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
-Only one Bachelor related note to start with. Sheena admitted in all of her post-Bachelor interviews that Josh is in fact her boyfriend. She claims to have met him after she got back from filming. Whoa, wait a minute. If that’s true, then they must spend every living breathing second together for him to have that many pictures and videos of each other. I mean, filming ended in August and it’s barely November. In 3 months they’ve done that much stuff together? Do they finish each others sentences too? Have they been surgically removed from the hip? Isn’t that a tad unhealthy to be spending every waking moment with someone you just met? Something tells me these two were an item before she went on the show. But if that’s the case, then I’d be pissed if I were him based on some of the things she said about being so head over heels for Brad, and “I’ve never felt this way about anyone”, and “I really, really, really, really cared for that man”. Ouch. Dump her, Josh. She’s playing you.
-Anyone that has read this site long enough knows that I’ve never been one talk about specifics in my dating life. There are two reasons behind that. First, it’s really none of your business. And secondly, I don’t think you care. So I’ve never once talked about past relationships in detail on this site, nor will I in the future. And trust me, I’ve got tons to tell with some of the crazies I’ve come across. However, with my ex-girlfriend Jessica being this weeks guest columnist on Dr. Reality Steve, I figured you can at least know a little about her. The column will be up tomorrow so check back to see if she has anything nice to say about me. Jessica is the only girl I’ve ever lived with, she’s a great cook, she turned me on to Neil Diamond, I turned her on to “24” and The Coop, and her and I have been broken up for almost 4 years now. There. That’s what you get. In all seriousness, there were definitely some rough times after the breakup, but we’ve both moved on, and I’m glad we’ve been able to put the past behind us and remain friends. And I thank her for being our guest columnist this week. I’m gonna go get a Kleenex now.
-How great was that to have a 45 minute episode last night? It seemed like it was about ten minutes long. It was more like speed dating. I know absolutely nothing about these women, nor do I care to. Any deep rooted bonds Brad has built with any of these women was never showed to us, I have no idea what his real feelings are towards anyone, and this is about the most apathetic season they’ve ever had. I mean, I think its pretty obvious who he’s going to choose, but do you really sense he’s developed any sort of deep, undying love for her? Didn’t think so. So let’s just be happy another season of this mess is almost over and we can start making fun of another failed relationship. It’s only a matter of time before the track record of the “Bachelor” becomes 1-for-11. Woo hoo!!!!
-All three dates were in Cabo which could’ve made for some really entertaining television if ABC had any sort of creativity. But since they don’t and the show was over the minute I sat down to watch it, it was quite uneventful if you ask me. Let’s take for instance Jenni and Brads date with the dolphins. I thought a lot more camera time shouldâ€™ve been given to Jenni’s cheetah patterned bikini. Like, these are things the show needs to focus on. Not whether or not she can dance with a dolphin. Or that she can straddle a dolphin and swim around in a pool with it. Tell us more about the bikini. What size is it? Where did she get it? Are cheetah and leopard patterns very much a part of her undergarment collection? What’s the easiest way to remove it? Are we supposed to believe she’s not a freak in bed after seeing her wearing that? Oh yeah, yet another theory I have backed up by no empirical evidence whatsoever: Chicks who wear anything with animal print in it like to have sex. And if you do that while also wearing loopy earrings, you might as well just call yourself a prostitute. This theory should never be challenged.
-Dolphins are cute. I like dolphins. Can’t say I’ve ever swam with them, but I think its something I’ll do someday. And most importantly, Hayden Panettiere likes dolphins too. That’s key. You see, if she didn’t like them, I wouldn’t give a crap. But after seeing last week that she does, it makes me like them more. I’m nerdy like that. Anyway, I’ve always been fascinated by dolphins. Whether it was from watching “Flipper” when I was a kid, or Ace Ventura trying to save “Snowflake”, or Jaws 3 when those dolphins kept avoiding getting eaten alive by the Great White which happened to be swimming around Sea World somehow, I’ve always liked them. However, one thing about them freaks me out and that’s their blowhole. In fact, anything that has a blowhole would freak me out since I never know when, why, or what would cause that thing to go off. So I like dolphins, but they kinda give me the willies. Let me rethink if I ever want to go swimming with them. And oh yeah, don’t throw your six pack of 7up wrapper in the ocean. It gets stuck around their nose or something. What a myth that is. Have you looked at the circumference of one of those wrappers and measure it against the size of a dolphins nose? Please. It’s not even close. But whatever. Save the Dolphins. This has been a public service announcement paid for by RealitySteve.com.
-After swimming with Flipper, it’s time for Jenni and Brad’s nighttime date. Apparently the producers thought it would be nice to dress brad in ugliest lime green shirt Cabo had to offer. But what does he care, it’ll be on his floor by the time the door closes behind he and Jenni when they get to the Fantasy Suite. You don’t believe me? Check this line out. Brad: “It goes without saying I’d love to be able to spend the night with her and get to know her in that way. I don’t know how she’ll react.” Get to know her in “that” way, huh? And what would “that” way be? On an intellectual level? Conversational level? Or more likeâ€¦..uhhhhhhâ€¦.how do the kids say it nowadaysâ€¦â€¦oh, I got itâ€¦..the doggie style way? Can’t believe that slipped my mind. Brad’s actually curious how Jenni will react to the Fantasy Suite invitation? Well, considering there’s been now 14 seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette combined, and I believe only 2 people have ever turned down the Fantasy Suite, I’m guessing his odds of getting laid are very good. And most importantly, lets not forget the fact she just wore a cheetah patterned bikini all day. Brad could have a third nipple and she’s still giving it up tonight. No worries Bradley.
-Brad can’t control his horniness. “This date has been on my mind since I first saw you. I mean, since I first talked to you.” Yeah, sure he hasn’t been thinking of tapping that since the night she walked out of the limo. Guys are so easy to read, its pathetic. Southern gentlemen, Smothern gentlemen. He’s no different than any of the rest of them. Thinking with the wrong head. The only thing he was able to do was not make it completely obvious until the 6th episode. Whereas Bob Guiney, who never had girls even like him before he came on the show, was pitching his tent in the first episode when a limo full of girls was chanting his name. I want you to reflect for just a moment on the history of this Bachelor series and realize that Bob Freakin’ Guiney was once the “Bachelor”. I’m gonna go puke right now.
-And if you thought Brad was horny tonight, Jenni is equally as giddy as him. Jenni: “I care for you a lot. It’s very hard for me to say it. It’s so much easier to show it.” Geez, I mean why don’t you just be naked at dinner already and just get it over with. Could these twos attraction be any more physical? All she does is giggle and smile, and all he does is fawn over what a hot body she has and how he’s going to jump her tonight. I don’t know if these two have ever talked about anything else other than her dancing and crazy grandma. Does he even know she did Home Depot commercials or was a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader? Or that she was one of Diddy’s dancers at the VMA’s? Does it even matter at this point? He’ll knock the bottom out of her in Cabo and that’ll be that. And Jenni is counting the seconds until he does. She basically asks him where the Fantasy Suite invitation is, hints that its in his pocket, the sexual tension is about as high as it can get right now, and when she finally gets the card, they don’t even read it and go straight to the room. Uh huh. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.
-Bettina meets Brad on a boat and he explains to her that this boat was once used in an America’s Cup race. Her expression was priceless. It was like someone shined a bright light in her face. He might as well have tried to explain to her the Cover 2 defense, or maybe the Theory of Relativity. 99% of America probably doesn’t know what the America’s Cup is, and I’m guessing Bettina is in that group. But hey, you never know, she could be huge into the once a year sailing race that barely gets any coverage. What does she care anyway where the boat is from, as long as Brad is on it with his shirt off, she’s happy. “I’m so attracted to him, so into him, so everything.” I think that shows her level of interest in him is purely physical. When are men going to stop being looked at as just sex objects? It’s just flat out wrong. I’m sure Brad is not thrilled about being objectified in these episodes by crazy, horny women. It’s disgusting really. Keep your pants on, Bettina.
-B & B get some alone time to discuss that wonderful hometown date of theirs where Brad got to meet the family from hell. Bettina tries to convince Brad her family wasn’t all that bad. “My familys only concern was whether you were into me.” Brad essentially called bullsh** on this one, but kept his cool. He felt like he was doubted, he felt like they didn’t think he was sincere, yada, yada, yada. The conversation essentially went nowhere. Brad didn’t believe her, she thinks her dad should win Father of the Year, let’s move on. For some reason, Brad decides to bring up the possibility of her moving out to Austin if he picks her. Bettina says it’s a no-brainer and that she would in a second. Well of course she said that. Saying, “Nah, I think I’m good where I’m at. We can talk on the phone a lot and see each other once a month. Or maybe every other month” pretty much sealed her fate. Her fate was sealed anyway after pops embarrassed the guy publicly on national television, so I think she was just trying to save face. Just go put your bikini on, hop in the Jacuzzi, and try and get some before he sends you home.
-Nothing was going right at dinner, so Brad busts out the Fantasy Suite card. “Brad and Bettina, should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite. Chris.” Wait, Host Chris is the author of these things now? Has he always penned his name to these and the women chose not to read it, or, since he didn’t appear in the episode at all last night, did they throw his name on there to justify the paycheck that he receives for doing nothing of importance on the show? Hey Lisa, feel free to email me the answer on this one since you’re the only one I know who got to the overnight date. Thanks pookie. Yes, I call Lisa pookie. She has no idea that I do, but I do. Well, this was the first time. Whatever the case, they haven’t changed the language on the fantasy suite card in fourteen seasons. Very original. Here’s what the card should’ve read with those two. “Brad and Bettina, after that hometown date, it’s very obvious your twos future is about as bright as Britney’s. So why don’t we say you skip over all the nicey-nice’s, use this key to go up to the room and make babies. Brads daughter could use a sibling. Chris.” Iâ€™m kidding. That rumor is not true. How do I know this? Because it was on a message board, that’s how. Everything you read on message boards are true, didn’t you know that?
-In Brad’s last moments with Bettina, he really lays a whopper on her. While some very uncomfortable kissing was going on, Brad says “I just always want to be around you.” Well, apparently not Bradley. Why the hell did he say that? Since when does “I just always want to be around you” mean “You’re going to be the next girl eliminated”? That made no sense. I think Brad tried to go with the reverse psychology there and completely misfired. Nice try though. I’m sure Bettina was clueless as to what you were doing. But back to their kissing, did you see that? What was that? That’s how Bettina kisses guys that she’d move to Austin for? Really? Thanks, but no thanks. I think she pulled her head away about three different times that I saw. I have no idea what went on in that hotel room after Brad closed the door, but I’m guessing Bettina did her best cold, dead fish impression.
-So it’s Dididididididididi’s turn and she gets to ride dune-buggys. Fun. Not so much. It was brought to my attention last week that the correct spelling of DeAnna’s nickname would technically be spelled “DeeDee”. Yes, I know this. However, it’s much more fun taking both of my index fingers and punching “D-I-d-I-d-I-d-I-d-I” as fast as I can every time I type her name, hence the reason I do it. Didididididididididi. See. That took all of .5 seconds to type that. So there’s your reasoning. Deal with it. Brad got very original when seeing Dididididididididididi on his date. “I’ve waited for this evening since the very first day I met her.” Uhhhh, sorry Brad. You already used that line before. Let’s try and get a little more creative shall we? How about a, “Seeing DeAnna on this date, I realized how much I love that J-Lo booty of hers.â€ You know, something warm and fuzzy.
-Next came one of my favorite exchanges of the night.
Brad: “I don’t meet people like you very much.”
DeAnna: “I don’t meet people like YOU very much.”
So these two are already in the phase of of the relationship where they’re repeating what each other says? Uh, oh. That’s serious. And Didididididididididi is even more smitten with Bradley than we thought. “When I first saw you, I just knewâ€¦..you have my heartâ€¦.never felt so much for any one person so much beforeâ€¦..don’t believe it could happen so fastâ€¦.” Geesh, that all happened very quick. I didn’t even know she knew Brad’s name. Now all the sudden she tells us she’s known since coming out of the limo that he was the one? Yeah, I guess I missed that. So did everyone else watching this show. I mean, are we really six episodes in? The “Women Tell All” is next week? The finale is in 2 weeks? I’ve seen every minute of every show and its safe to say this is the least invested I’ve ever been in any of the people at this point in the show. And considering they haven’t been hyping a proposal since day one, I think we know exactly what to expect in two weeks. “DeAnna, I don’t know what the future holds, but will you continue this journey with me?”
-Oh yeah, Didididididididi dropped this one on him too. “And I’m falling love with you.” Brad’s response? “You really mean that? Mmmmmâ€¦.” That’s exactly what she wanted to hear Brad. Good one. Nothing like getting a nice mumble out after your future ex-girlfriend just told you she’s falling for you. Very touching moment. Really tugged at the heartstrings. Time for fantasy suite card. We all know what it says. Dididididididi’s answer: “I’d love to stay the night with you.” Brad then reveals who he’s going to pickâ€¦.I meanâ€¦.how he feels about DeAnna. “I want to be able to kiss her and touch her. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. I can see a soul mate.” Check mate, Jenni. You lose. I don’t remember him saying that about Jenni when she was having one of her giggling fits. Or when she was unable to open up to him. Or when she was straddling a dolphin. Oh well. She gets to add “8 episodes on the worlds cheesiest dating show” to her resume, and that’s what’s important.
-Wow. They are wasting no time getting to the bottom of things tonight. “Dancing with the Stars” and “Samantha Who?” are taking all the “Bachelors” thunder tonight. Right back from last commercial break, we get Brad for about 10 seconds in the limo before he arrives at the Rose Ceremony. Let’s do this. There is no sign of Host Chris anywhere. They didn’t let him go to Cabo apparently. Maybe it was too expensive. Maybe he was busy. Or maybe he’s too busy perfecting his Cha-cha-cha. Brad’s going solo on this one. “To say I’ve been dreading this day is an understatementâ€¦..three women I care very much aboutâ€¦.when I say goodbyeâ€¦.it’ll break my heartâ€¦.unfortunately I have to beginâ€¦.and thanks for only giving us 45 minutes this episodeâ€¦.the public doesn’t deserve 60 minutes of this torture”â€¦
Jenni: She should’ve done a little booty shake after she got the rose. It would’ve been quite fitting. Either that or giggled.
Didididididididi: “All I wanna do is ummma zoom zoom zoom in a boom boomâ€¦..just shake your rump!!!!”
-Brad must now tell Bettina why he no longer wants to have sex with her.
Brad: “This is gonna haunt meâ€¦.I thought about you the entire day. There are very real feelings here.”
Bettina: “I know it probably won’t make sense to ask â€˜why’, but, ummmm, â€˜why?’ Good one, Bettina.
Brad: “I truly in my heart wonder if I know who you really are”.
Me too Brad. And since this episode was thirteen minutes long, I’m sure the rest of the audience felt the same way. But c’mon, you don’t need to lie to her. Just tell her that her father scared the holy hell out of you, her mom and step mom were equally as rude, and you were about as comfortable in her house as Kim Kardashian is with clothes on. And that her Olivia Newton John hair is so 1970’s.
-This is what really disappointed me about Bettina. She didn’t melt down. What the hell is that? One curse word and barely any crying. That was the most disappointing exit yet. Couldn’t the producers have induced you to cry by talking about your previously failed marriage? Or maybe the death of your cat when you were a kid? Were they asleep at the wheel on this episode or what? How ridiculous. She gets to the final three and barely sheds a tear on the way out the door. If you want even more footage of her not crying, just go to ABC’s bachelorette page. It’ll pop right upâ€¦.
“I can’t imagine putting myself out there againâ€¦..I guess I fell in love by myself.” Hey now. That’s not such a bad thing. I think that even happened to Dr. Addison Montgomery a couple episodes ago. And then she found her showerhead. Anyway, what do you mean you’re not putting yourself out there “again”? You never did on this show. Unless you think by showing up that means you put yourself out there. Putting yourself out there means actually liking the guy for reasons totally unrelated to wanting to be on television. Uhhhh, that didn’t happen with you. I very much enjoyed watching your time on the show, it was a pleasant experience, but now you must go home and hang out on Pier St. Maybe I’ll see you at Sangria in a couple weeks. Or Shade. Or Patrick Malloy’s. Or Blue 32. Or Sharkeez. Oh wait, that burned to the ground. Whatever. Just go into one of those bars on a Friday or Saturday night and I’m sure you’ll find your next future ex-husband. They’re all over that place.
-Dr. Reality Steve returns tomorrow with my ex-girlfriend Jessica as the guest columnist. As I’ve mentioned, it will continue on when the “Bachelor” is over, except for a few weeks here and there when I’m on vacation. So send all questions, comments, tips, queries, praises, criticisms to firstname.lastname@example.org. Until tomorrowâ€¦.