Reality Roundup

Reality Roundup – 1/4/08

-Well, it’s a new year, so I figured it’s time to write again. And since, you know, I haven’t written a “Reality Roundup” in 6 months, I figured, “What the hell? Give the little kiddies something to enjoy.” Yes, I called you all “kiddies”. I have no idea why. I apologize. What would you rather be called? I’m taking suggestions. So I figured since with the Writers Strike going on, and we’re about to be inundated with reality shows, I should probably begin covering them again on a semi-regular basis. Plus, we need to talk about the brilliance of “Newport Harbor: Home for the Holidays”, which just ended up its 4 episode run and restored my faith in a franchise that was fading. The “Real Worlds” most controversial season ends next week, and I definitely have a few takes on that. Plus, the abortion known as “Celebrity Apprentice” graced our television set last night, and needless to say, it was crap. So crappy, I’m going to watch every episode. Can’t help it. But before we begin, a few notes.

-As for the “Bachelor”, here’s what I know about the future of the show. The next season begins March 17th, and I believe either just began filming, or is beginning filming any day now. I do not know who the Bachelor is, although if I tried hard enough, I could probably find out. Last I heard, they’d narrowed it down to three guys – none of which I know. However, this came from a little birdie: After this seasons Bachelor wraps up filming, they will immediately begin on a 4th installment of the “Bachelorette”. And from what I hear, it will be different from the first three in that the Bachelorette will not be a former contestant like Trista, Meredith, and Jen were. It’s going to be a B-list celebrity. That’s what I know so far, so take it for what its worth. If I find out anything else, I’ll let you know if I can.

-The only new reality show to just begin was “Celebrity Apprentice.” However, get ready for an influx of shows to begin within the next month. For those unclear about what shows are starting when, here is the list of them that I will be watching and covering.

Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann – Mon. Jan. 7th
Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew – Thurs. Jan 10th VH1
Rock of Love 2 – Sun. Jan. 13th VH1
Scott Baio is 46…And Pregnant – Sun. Jan. 13th VH1
(For the record, will there be a better Sunday night doubleheader in TV history than those two beginning next week? Yeah, didn’t think so)
American Idol – Tues. Jan. 15 & Wed. Jan. 16th
Gauntlet 3 – Wed. Jan. 23rd MTV
Survivor: Micronesia – Fans vs. Favorites – Thurs. Feb. 7th
And then aaaallllllll the way on March 17th (the same night as the Bachelor), Dancing with the Stars begins again.

There are plenty of other reality shows beginning in the next month that maybe you watch which I don’t. If you want a list of them, go to this link:
http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/schedules/2007_Nov_30_winter_2007_2008

-I didn’t watch “A Shot at Love” with Tila the Whore, but I was very familiar with exactly what went on, and read all the reports how she’s not really bi, has had a boyfriend for 5 years, how she acted like a complete diva on the set and was a train wreck to work with. Well, when I saw the final ratings numbers for the show I pretty much knew where this show was headed….for a second season. And sure enough, just to drive the dagger in a little deeper to that pipsqueak she actually chose, she announced on her hosting gig on New Year’s Eve, that she was single and that Bobby had broken up with her because of her “hectic work schedule”. Huh? She works? Being a MySpace hooker constitutes a job nowadays? I didn’t know that. Of course, this was all news to Bobby who said that since the finale finished taping, he hadn’t spoken to Tila once, and the producers wouldn’t give him her number. So yet another example for all those out there who think this tramp is actually looking for a partner on television, ummmm, she’s not. Maybe another disease, but not another partner. And could someone please tell me how that asexual chick made it to the final two. She looked like Hillary Swank’s character in “Boys Don’t Cry”. You’d think Tila would be into the lipstick lesbians. Ummmm…not quite. That “shim” was hideous.

-As for “Survivor: Micronesia”, the cast of returning All Stars has been revealed. It’s going to be 10 former players vs. 10 new players, all of whom are big fans of the show. Definitely an interesting mix of “All Stars” that they brought back. I mean, remember, the first “All-Star” edition had 4 former winners on the show, and some of the all-time most memorable players the game had ever seen. This one? Ummm, not so much. Unless Jonathon from “Survivor: Cook Islands” gets your blood boiling. They are all recognizable players from seasons past – Yau Man, Ozzy, and James and Amanda from this past season – but no one that really gets you going “Wow! They’re back!” Well, maybe except one. Johnny Fairplay. But even he isn’t a big deal, because we’ve seen that guy whore himself out on numerous other reality shows since Survivor. And get back flipped off Danny Bonaduce’s back at that one awards show. I don’t know. I’m definitely looking forward to it, but there’s no doubt it’ll have a different feel than the first All-Stars season, which was strictly just a game of former players going against each other.

CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

-I was really going to come on here and just annihilate this show for being so horrible, and how can anyone watch this anymore, that the Donald has turned into a character of himself, that these are the 14 most C-list celebrities you could’ve possibly come up with……and then I saw the ratings came out. 11 million people watched. 11 MILLION! Are you kidding me? I guess it’s time for me to make a plea to the other 10,999,999 people who watched along with me: Ask yourself at what point your life passed you by. Hey, at least I can come to grips with that fact, since it happened a while ago for me. Probably the time I started writing a blog recapping EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the “Bachelor”. Lord, shoot me. But what’s your excuse people?

-I mean, these are the “14 of the most sucessful celebrities” in America? Marilu Henner? She was on “Taxi”, right? And that was in the 1970’s, correct? Ok, just checking. Stephen Baldwin? He’s not even the most sucessful Baldwin brother. Nadia Comenici? A Russian gymnast back in the 70’s is a successful celebrity in America in 2008? Really? I could go on, but you get my point. And the funniest thing about the whole thing is, Trump went on his media tour promoting the show, and was telling everyone who’ll listen how many celebrities he had to TURN DOWN that wanted to be on the show. Uhhh, sure you did, Donald. If these are the “elite” 14, I can only imagine who didn’t make the cut. Did the voice of “Alf” not quite have what it takes? How close was the black guy who makes noises from “Police Academy” to making it? And how can a “Celebrity Apprentice” be a “Celebrity Apprentice” without the Dad from “Silver Spoons?”

-I wonder if the Donald paid for Omarosa’s boob job? Holy crap. Yeah, she’s totally in this for charity. This has nothing to do with promoting herself. Not a chance. She’s such a grounded, strong, hard working woman that is totally above self promotion. Give me Jenni Finch for 60 minutes, and that’s the only way I’ll be happy with this show. Especially since the Playboy chick with the giant cans is gone now. What was that all about? Donald says, “We just let the nicest person in the competition go. But since she didn’t prostitute Hugh Hefner out for a $10 grand donation, she has no business being on our show.” I know they’re going to talk all season about how much money they’ve raised for charity, but the challenges basically become a moot point, since based off the premiere, it’s all about who can get their richest friends to donate the most. Great show.
-Selling hot dogs in New York City? That’s the best we could come up with in the premiere episode? How insulting. Just think if you’re the dirty old man down the street in NYC, whose job is to wake up every day, brush your twelve teeth, not put on your deodorant, and try and make a hard earned buck with your hot dog vending business on the streets of downtown. Your day is going well, people are buying from you, and all the sudden, these pretentious a-holes show up and completely upstage you by getting their rich friends to pay 10 G’s for a bottled water and undercooked dog? I bet you feel real good about yourself.

DANCE WAR: BRUNO VS. CARRIE ANN

-As much as I enjoy “Dancing with the Stars”, this show has the “Apprentice: Martha Stewart” edition written all over it. I think this might be overkill. I’m going to give it a chance and see what it has to offer, but I can see what ABC is doing here. It’s like when they put “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” on every night of the week and destroyed the franchise. I wonder if this is a genius move to generate more viewers, or will end up hurting “Dancing with the Stars”. I guess with the Writers Strike, it’s pretty much something they’re forced to do though. So maybe I’m being harsh and they have no choice.

-Lets face it, no matter what, the show wont draw the ratings that Dancing with the Stars does. Impossible. And there’s one giant reason for that: Bruno is a main character. Bruno is a cartoon character, he’s tolerable in doses, but someone seems to think he could easily be the focus of a show. And I couldn’t disagree more. Have him on “Dancing” with his scripted one-liners, have him pretend to pick fights with Len, and let him scream out “10!” while he shoots his left arm up in the air….just don’t give him his own show. Even if you’re coupling him with that cougar Carrie Ann.

CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DREW

-Really all you need to know about this show is it follows the lives of nine different “celebrities” that are going through drug rehab. And what a impressive list of nine train wrecks this is:

Jamiee Foxworth – “Family Matters”. Shouldn’t Urkel be the one on this show trying to rehab his career?

Seth “Shifty” Binzer – lead singer of “Crazytown”. Can’t say I’m the least bit surprised to learn the lead singer of something called “Crazytown” is a drug addict.

Ricco Rodriguez – former UFC Heavyweight champion. I have no idea who this guy is.

Daniel Baldwin – ummm, one of the Baldwin brothers. I think the Baldwin brothers, sans Alex, should all just have their own reality show talking about how they’re gravytraining off their only successful brother.

Brigette Nielson – dumpster for Flava Flav and Sylvester Stallone. She’s a giant, sloppy mess. And I can’t wait to see her fall off the wagon.

Chyna – the chick with the penis that used to wrestle. She’s an embarrassment. Hence another reason I’ll be watching.

SCOTT BAIO IS 46…AND PREGNANT

-Probably the surprise reality show of last season for me. I never thought I’d have as much interest in Charles as I would, but I found this show to be hilarious and actually somewhat depressing last season. I mean, this guy actually was struggling with whether or not he wanted to continue bedding a bunch of hot women in Hollywood or settle down. Notice how it was never revealed last season whether or not Scott Baio actually still had a penis? Coincidence? I think not. My guess is “no”.

-So this season we get to see his wedding which took place in December, and the birth of his daughter. Now, didn’t this whole thing just work out too conveniently for VH1? I mean, c’mon. Maybe he really did decide he wanted to settle down. And maybe he really did want to have a family. But it’s hilarious how he came to the decision to stay with his girlfriend DURING THE SEASON 1 FINALE, and whaddya’ know, she’s pregnant too! Well, well, well. What a perfect set up for a 2nd season! Imagine that? And perfect timing that they have the wedding and the birth of the child for season 2 as well. No, this show isn’t scripted at all.

ROCK OF LOVE 2

-I can only imagine what the skank level on the show this season will be considering what we got in season 1. I’m sure it’s off the charts. I think it was probably a pre-requisite that you had an STD before you could even consider sending in an application. And don’t be surprised if we get a visit from Heather and Lacey again, I’m sure that’s in store. Jess? Not so much. She seemed to enjoy her time on that show about as much as Britney likes spending time with her kids. Locked up in a bathroom with police beating down the door. And drugged out. Supposedly.

-Seriously, as long as Brett Michaeld DOESN’T end up staying with one of these prostitutes in the end, why would they possibly not continue to have seasons of it? Just like “Shot at Diseases with Tila Tequila”, and “Flavor of Love”, and “I Love New York”, these producers are BEGGING for it not to work out so they can do another season. Let me ask you this, did you ever stop for more than 5 seconds when you passed VH1 flipping channels before these shows started? Didn’t think so. It’s genius programming really. I had no idea VH1 was still a channel until these shows started. I thought they were still playing “Right Here Waiting” videos by Richard Marx.

-I can’t imagine what “challenges they have in store for us this season. Seriously, is there any possible way that they’re gonna beat a phone sex challenge? “All right ladies, let’s see who gets Brett’s blood flowing down there the most. Ready….Go!” I still can’t believe I saw that. I mean, hey, if phone sex is your thing, have at it. I’m sure it’s a turn on for some out there. Of course, yours truly would never partake in such a matter. But I know there are those out there that do. And to you I say, “Bravo! You go with your sexuality.” But do you really need to do it on a reality show watched by millions of people? Seems rather embarrassing. I’m guessing it’s something you do in private, under your covers late at night, with your man miles away, panting away….and…ummmm….anyway, let’s move on.

NEWPORT HARBOR: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

-You know what? Maybe I’m just an idiot, and it’ll sound funny coming from the guy who’s told you what not to like about reality TV shows, but I honestly think that Chrissy and Clay are one of the more genuine couples we’ve ever seen on these lame high school shows, and I hope they stay together. There. I said it. I thought that was a really cool ending in the “finale”. Kinda shocked she gave up on Santa Barbara after a semester for what seems like just wanting to be closer to Clay (that’s dangerous territory she’s getting into – just ask Kylie and Chase), but I actually don’t cringe anymore when I watch those two together. I like them. Whether or not they’ll last is a whole different story because we gotta remember, they’re still teenagers, but I’m rooting for them. I’m gonna go put my tampon in now.

-The funny thing is, I’m as guilty as the next person, when this show first started, I was immediately looking for who the player was, and Clay was the guy I had pegged. I was just waiting for him to turn into a Jason Wahler and start boinking every chick in the Harbor. So good for him. Actually a guy you can get behind on that show. Is it a mancrush? No. But I definitely like that guy a lot more than past douchebags they’ve had on this show. He and Grant are both likable. Hey, guys wanna go grab a bite? Maybe do some surfing? Dude, I’ll use my ID to score us some brews. Ummm, did I just ask a couple teenagers if I could hang out with them? I’m a loser.

-Nice to see that Allie’s parents built a house the size of Hearst Castle. You know, I found it odd last season when Allie booked her own summer trip to Europe on her parents credit card and they really didn’t flip out on her like normal parents would. Until now. I mean, I saw their house now and realized a European vacation on their credit card bill might look like an order of Macaroni Grill does on mine. Like it even made a dent in their bank account. I just have one question about Allie: Will her little troll friend be attached at her when she gets married too? That relationship is getting a little scary.

-Good to see Chase’s decision to move to San Diego to be closer to that hottie Kylie is really looking like it’s gonna pan out…..for her. That chick is like a dude. She’s gonna have her cake and eat it too. She suckered this boy in to wanting to move to Santa Barbara to be closer to her, then when he actually does, they’re going to encounter nothing but problems. She’ll be standoff-ish, he’ll be like, “What’s wrong?”, she’ll be like, “You’re smothering me”, they’ll get in a few wicked fights, and before you know it, Chase will be back in Newport wishing he didn’t let that little nugget Taylor get away. But she’ll be all up in some else’s drawers, Chase will have no choice but to be lonely flogging his dolphin on a nightly basis. The End. I wrote that so the high school crowd could appreciate it. Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

-I’m gonna wait until I see the finale of “RW: Sydney” to write about my thoughts this season. And boy, are there plenty. How Noireen is probably the hottest girlfriend any male castmember has ever picked up on that show, the depatures of Trisha and Shauvon and her cans, Isaac immediately becoming everyone’s favorite RW member in the history of the show, Kelly Anne and Cohutta’s condom escapade, and the enigma that’s known as Parisa. I’ve never gone back and forth on someone so much in the history of this show as I do with Parisa. Sometimes I want to tell her to shut the f*** up, and sometimes I just want to lay pipe to her. So check back soon to find out my answer. Until next time….

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