-I figured with the “Bachelor” a week away, I should probably give a few thoughts on last night’s “Where Are They Now?” episode rather than break another promise and tell you, “Hey, guess what? “Reality Roundup” will be here this week.” Ha haâ€¦that’s funny. I kill myself sometimes. I think the more I tell myself that I’m going to write a “Reality Roundup” column, the less of a chance it has of happening. I know that makes no sense. Don’t try to understand. Just know I still watch all the shows, I just haven’t been writing about them. And we’ve had some pure gold over the last few months. The “Gauntlet 3” has been outstanding and Kenny might just be my new favorite person in “Real World/Road Rules” history. “Survivor” is solid as always. “Celebrity Rehab” needs to come back for another season. “Scott Baio is Whipped” is one of the funnier reality shows on television. And “Celebrity Apprentice” is probably the best season they’ve had since season 1 – pretty much all because of Piers Morgan. Maybe I’ll get around to covering it. Or not.
-So are we really surprised to see that Brad turned down an invitation to appear on the show last night? C’mon. Like he wants to go through that again. Yeah, let’s bring him on, ask him for the 100th time why he didn’t pick Jenni or DeAnna, and chastise him when he doesn’t give us an answer that we like. Obviously you know where I stand on Brad’s decision and what he did, and the fact that Jenni is already engaged to her ex-boyfriend, and DeAnna is going to be the next Bachelorette, doesn’t everyone who came down on him so hard and backed both of those girls feel a little dumb right now? Seriously. Those girls were upset when they didn’t get picked, and were upset the day they had to see him again at the “After the Final Rose” show, but life goes on. They’re over it, Brad’s over it, everyone else should be over it. Kinda funny to look back now at all the people that were so furious for Brad dumping both of them. It was the right thing to do and both girls are happy now. So there.
-Are we really supposed to believe that DeAnna didn’t know she was going to be the next “Bachelorette” until Ellen told her live on her show? Please. Good acting job by DeAnna to whip up some tears due to the elation and surprise of that news. Like she didn’t know already. I love how they showed us DeAnna working out, doing crunches, and the like in her preparation for being the “Bachelorette”. No surprise there. I said in a post the day it was announced that she’ll be 10-15 lbs lighter than she was when she was on the “Bachelor”. I just thought it was funny they had to show us, “Hey, look, she’s working out now. Her ba-donk-a-donk butt will be a little tighter when you see her next.” I’ve never had a problem with DeAnna. Cute girl and seems rather likable. All I said was she had a big ass. No denying that. Let’s see how many bikini shots we get next season.
-Ladies, you’ve been informed now that Bachelors Aaron, Alex, Jesse, and Travis are all still single and ready to mingle. Oh whoopee. I’m sure women are throwing themselves at those guys. And men too, Alex. Don’t think I forgot about you. Aaron is involved in banking or something that I don’t care about. Jesse is hosting some TV show somewhere and Travis is going to be on a medical talk show. So in case you’re wondering ladies, and this is totally not important at all and is never a factor when deciding who to be with, but, they’re all loaded. I know. I know. You totally don’t look at that when deciding who your next conquest is going to be, but hey, I’m just letting you know up front so that you’re not scared off by their money. I know it can be intimidating when all you’re really looking for is someone who’s smart, funny, sincere, and has a good sense of humor. Barf.
-Nice to see Andrew Firestone trolling out his Playboy model onscreen last night. Looks like they’re happy. Notice how they never told us what Ivana does for a living or how these two met? Well, I’ll tell you. Andrew has the Playboy mansion hotline on his speed dial, he met her at one of his many treks there, probably had his way with her in a broom closet, and now they’re engaged. Awwwww, love at first sight. It was either that, or he saw her for that split second she was topless in “Wedding Crashers” and decided, “That’s the woman I want to take home to mommy.” Whatever the case, I hope they’re happy. I always love a good “Boy meets girl, girl is half naked at a Hugh Hefner lingerie party, boy tells her he’s from the infamous Firestone family, boy and girl are together for three years and now engaged” story. Makes me cry every time.
-Bachelor Bob. Wow. That guy should sell his story to Hollywood and have a movie made about him. And it should definitely be released as a Fantasy because there’s no other way to describe what that guy’s life has become. He went from the fat, good personality, funny guy on Trista’s season, to the skinner version on the “Bachelor”, to writing a book, to TV hosting gigs, to somehow getting Rebecca Budig to latch on to him. Tell me that guy isn’t living in a world completely different than us. One thing I found interesting was that when he met Rebecca (and there’s still a debate whether or not he was still with Estella when he and Rebecca started hooking up), she was hosting a show that generally made fun of the â€œBachelorâ€. Hmmmmâ€¦.so Bob’s wife is someone who used to make fun of the “Bachelor”? So by that logic, doesn’t that mean one day I’ll be married to someone who’s been on the “Bachelor” too? Gotta be. There’s no other explanation. It’s fate. I will meet someone from the show that I’ve made fun of in previous columns, we will fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence. Can’t be any worse than the crop of women I’ve dated recently. Holy crap. Your head would spin if I told you these stories. But I won’t. Maybe someday when I write a book.
-Trish is done stalking Jesse Palmer and is now engaged to some bald guy that looks like her father. I’m sure he’s flat broke and she’s with him because he’s smart, funny, sincere, and has a sense of humor. Erica from Lorenzo’s season has a line of Tiara’s that she sells now. But one of the more interesting things we learned about her last night was that she’s gotten a hold of one of the greatest push up bras of all time. Either that, or she paid a little visit to the boob doctor. Good Lord, Ms. Cans. I frankly was transfixed on what was popping out of her chest to understand what in the hell she was talking about. Oh wait. Her dad is a prominent plastic surgeon in the Houston area. So, is he the one that actually performed the surgery? Ummmm, that’s a little creepy. Who does he think he is, Joe Simpson?
-Bevin might be getting engaged, Moana is engaged, and Brooke (whoever that is), got married to Scott. Scott has a bowl haircut. Enough said. Heather (another girl I don’t remember) married her high school sweetheart. However, Heather had the most interesting thing to say all night. She said, “Once you give up on dating, someone comes into your life.” Well then. Time for me to employ that strategy. From now on, I’m done dating. That’s it. Over. No more dealing with the craziness that is women and everything that comes along with dating. So I won’t look anymore, and now any minute, someone will come into my life. Uh huh. Sure it will. Do you know how many times I’ve been told this over the last 4 or 5 years? Too many to count. So, I guess I’m just screwed. I’m telling you, I really do try to keep a positive attitude about dating, but my God, when the same stuff keeps happening over and over and over, makes you question it. But then if I don’t date, I’m sitting around waiting for something to happen. And that’s no good. Priesthood is looking awfully tempting nowadays.
-Christi from Aaron’s season (which I never watched) is single, happy, and lives with her dog. Something tells me if we do an update on Christi 20 years from now, she’ll be in the same exact position she’s in today. But with more dogs. And probably nine cats. I’m glad you love your dog Christi, I’m thinking of getting one myself, but ummmm, that wasn’t the most flattering video you could’ve done about yourself considering you’re single. Kristen from Travis’ season still isn’t funny, and she found a lap dog of a husband who’s equally not as funny, as both of them decided to go with the hilarious comedy routine of putting orange peels in their mouth and talking. Embarrassing.
-As for Trista and Ryan, the “Bachleors” only married couple and the ones ABC will continue to go to the well on until they day they die, are just as nauseating as they were years ago. Trista does all the talking, Ryan nods his head in agreeance, and they play with their kid all day. Good times. And oh yeah, Trista and Ryan are now “environmentally friendly”. Please. Don’t get me started on “celebrities” who go see “An Inconvenient Truth” and now all the sudden are driving a Prius and lecturing me on global warming. Just stop it. That’s about as phony as you can get. What is ABC gonna do if, God forbid, Trista and Ryan get divorced? Yikes.
-I loved the fact that ABC decided to do a “nationwide poll” (translation: we made up these answers), to have America decide on some of their favorite and least favorite things from “Bachelors” past. Up first, Most Romantic Moment. The choices were:
1) Aaron and Gwen’s Hot Air Balloon kiss – Ummmm, never saw it.
2) Jesse and Jessica’s date at the Rose Bowl – Having the USC marching band play around you as your picnicking on the 50 yard line is romantic?
3) Byron’s proposal to Mary – I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw these two on screen knowing what we know now.
4) Travis and Moana in the Venice Canal – Might’ve been romantic if Moana wasn’t such a cynical red ass all the time.
And the winner is: Byron’s proposal to Mary. Haaaa Haaaa Haaaa Haaaa!!! I bet they wish they had that one back. Funny how they conveniently forgot to mention back in November that Mary decided to use Byron’s lip as a punching bag. Their engagement’s coming up on what, 10 years now? Any day now, Mary. You just hang in there. And if it doesn’t happen, well, you can’t get piss drunk again, refuse to leave a house where your other married friends are having an argument, and when Byron finally does, follow him out to the car and beat the holy hell out of him. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. Save a seat for me in the front row of that wedding which is never happening.
-Next up, Most Dramatic Moment in Bachelor history. The nominees are:
1) Trish stalking Jesse – I don’t know if it was as much dramatic as it was bordering on crazy, psychotic, and illegal.
2) Ali G. confronts Travis – Forgot about that looney bin. I guess women say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. And sober.
3) Andy rejects Peyton – I remember that. That sucked.
4) Hillary’s meltdown when Brad dumped her – That wasn’t dramatic. That was pathetic. And forced.
And the winner is: Andy rejecting Peyton. Outside of Jayanna getting left out in the woods all by herself on “Age of Love”, that had to be one of the worst dumpings in “Bachelor” history. Did Andy actually wave to Peyton while his arm was around Tessa as the helicopter was flying away? Ouch.
-The Least Favorite Bachelor award went to Prince Lorenzo. Ummmm, can’t say there was any surprise there. I think I even heard Host Chris in an interview once say that of all the “Bachelors” they’ve had, Prince Lorenzo was his least favorite as well. Hey, maybe Host Chris is the one voting on these awards since I never saw on the website where I could vote for this stuff.
-And finally, America’s favorite “Bachelor” of all-time was Andy Baldwin. Wow. I’m guessing there are a few women, including ones within 20 miles of me, who’ll disagree with those results. And another one who has her own blog and has ripped Andy to shreds since the day she got off the show. But hey, when is America ever wrong about something? Considering his opponents were Aaron, Bob, Byron, Travis, and Firestone, isn’t that like winning first place at the “Biggest Douchebag” competition?
-And then we got to see clips of Matt Grant, our British import Bachelor that wants to steal all our American women with his tiny mouth and Hugh Grant accent. I’ll set the over/under at 1,000,000 to the number of Austin Powers references we get this season. I love the fact that they’re promoting the women being so in love with his accent. Ladies, I don’t know much, but I do know this. When deciding on your future husband, if you’re basing it on the fact he talks with an accent, then well, I wish you all the luck in your divorce proceedings. Because a guy has an accent, that makes him fit to be your boyfriend/husband? Really? That might be about the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. Yeah, you go ahead and convince yourself you like him better because of an accent, and I’ll talk to you when you guys are broken up and ask how important of a role that accent played in your relationship. Good luck.
-Well, we’re back on track, and beginning next week, the Bachelor Recap will be up every Tuesday morning. As for “Dr. Reality Steve”, I think that may be returning as well. Depends on who I can get to help me out and if the letters keep coming in. Any emails, questions, comments, dating advice, indecent proposals, email me at email@example.com. Until next weekâ€¦.