-Before we get started, let’s address the #1 thing people seem to want to know about right now, and that’s how Maddie’s doing. Things are getting better, no doubt. She’s still a little shy, but warming up to me by the day. I mean, she has slept in bed with me every night, but still, when I’m home just watching TV or on the computer, she either chooses to hang out under the bed by herself, or just stays on top of the bed. My room has become her sanctuary. If put her out in the den and close my door, she constantly scratches on it wanting in, no matter how many times I tell her no. So I guess I can forget about ever sleeping alone again the rest of my life. Either I’ll be with someone I’m dating, or it’ll be Maddie. Or both. I really don’t want to think about what’s gonna happen when an actual living, breathing, female spends the night. The chances of Maddie staying in the den, with me in my bed, are slim and none. Oh yeah, she snores too. I’m still dealing with that. And the last couple times I’ve gotten home, I found her on my bed with:
1) One of my dress shoes
2) A pack of gum – didn’t eat any of it. It was just laying on the bed.
3) My glasses
4) One of my flip flops
So it looks like when I leave, I’m gonna have to start closing my bedroom door. She already took apart my glasses, and my shoe has a little rip in it now. Other than that, she’s been great. Best decision I ever made. In the next couple weeks, I’m sure I’ll put a picture of her up. I just need to take some for that to happen. I’m not one that’s going to dress her, or inundate you with pictures of her, or give you weekly updates on what she ate or what toys she plays with. That’s not me. Just know she’s great, I’m glad I’ve got her, and this’ll probably be the last you hear of me speaking about her unless something major happens. You come here to read about the Bachelor, not hear what Maddieâ€˜s been up to. Although, she is so damn cute, I don’t blame you. But I do thank you all who emailed me giving me advice on her. I really do appreciate it.
-Second order of business is I will be back in L.A. all next week on vacation. I have my fantasy baseball draft and my nephews first birthday 6 days apart, so I figured I’d make a whole week trip out of it. With me being out of town, I expect next weeks column to be up on its normal Tuesday morning, but you never know. All bets are off when I’m out of town, but I will do my best to make sure it’s on time. I don’t have anything planned Monday night right now, but, I never know what’s gonna pop up with old friends or whatever, so I promise to do my best. Also, due to my vacation, Dr. Reality Steve won’t resume until I get back. Would’ve been too much of a hassle to deal with, especially if I bring in a guest columnist.
-And lastly, usually on the Bachelor columns, you readers leave a lot more comments than you do on other columns. Which is fine. Comments are encouraged. Good, bad, indifferent – I don’t care. Outside of any personal attacks or anything vulgar, I leave all comments on there. The only thing is, some of you leave comments that ask me questions. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve never written comments in my own comment blog. If you have a question for me, feel free to just email me if you really want an answer. I don’t check the comments section often enough to respond to everything. But I’m pretty much near my email 24 hours a day, so, you’ll get a quicker response that way. Just a heads up. Ok, onto last nightâ€¦.
-Last night was a very weird show for me for two reasons: 1) A few girls that I didn’t notice at all last week, or didn’t think were attractive, suddenly became attractive to me last night. And 2) Is it just me, or am I feeling a major disconnect with Matt and the girls this season? I feel like everything is forced. I mean, it’s forced every season to a certain extent because they have such a short time frame to get to know this person, but, this one seems extra forced. Hard to explain. Just not feeling any connection with anyone right now. Maybe it’s just because I just watched “Dancing with the Stars” and this is the worst cast they’ve ever assembled. Something is just not right about this season already. All the guys suck except for Mario and Jason Taylor, and even though no one is supposed to be a good dancer coming into this thing, this season, there’s REALLY no one who’s any good. Except Kristi Yamaguchi. And she won’t win because she’s a female. Females don’t win “DWTS”. You know why? Because it’s watched by 95% women, voted on by 100% women, and well, women don’t like women. Plain and simple.
-So it begins with group date box #1. Ashlee, Kristine, Marshanna, Noelle, Michelle P., Amanda the Hiccup Queen, Erin, and Holly. Before we go any further, I must apologize for something from last week. I totally dropped the ball on Michelle P. You know, the one who broke out her clarinet and gave the “it has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” line? Anyway, I can’t believe I didn’t link her to, “And this one time, at band campâ€¦.” girl from American Pie. I mean, c’mon. How could I miss that? The red hair, the musical instrument, the sexual innuendo? I’m an idiot. But congrats, Michelle. You’re now Band Camp Michelle from here on out. Well, at least until the end of this episode. If only you would’ve stuck around longer, I probably could’ve come up with a new name for you considering the X-rated song you busted out for Matt during your alone time with him. Geez. I thought she plagarized the lyrics from the Divinyls “I Touch Myself”. Sounded awfully close.
-The 8 girls were invited to a fashion show, but the surprise was they were going to be the models in it. This is right up Marshanna’s alley. She’s a fashion designer and she was, well, I think Miss Black Awareness in Queens. Sexual Chocolate performed at that pageant. And that’s where Akeem fell in love with Lisa McDowell. I’m sorry. Top 5 comedy of all time. If you disagree, you’re wrong. “MISTER RANDYâ€¦..WATSON!!!!!!” Anyway, Marshanna loves modeling. Here’s her motto: “Stand tall, walk proud, stomp it out, and send the other girls home.” I’m having a real hard time grasping Marshanna winning any pageant, let alone Miss Whatever New York that she won. Let’s just say if Marshanna were to ever perform the act of fellatio, it’d be like giving a whale a tic tac. Yes, I’ve used that line before a while back. Yes, I actually heard that from a black female comedian once. Yes, it’s damn funny. And yes, it’s true. And the never ending forehead doesn’t do it for me either. “SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!!”
-There was really nothing all too exciting about the women on the catwalk. Everyone was overdone with their make up and hair, and all in all, it was just each girl walking out, having Matt tell them they looked sexy, then clapping. Riveting stuff I tell you. The good stuff happened when it was over and Matt took all of them to a hotel suite in Hollywood. First up, Miss Black Awareness has something on her mind and she needs to get to the bottom of it. She pulls Matt aside and asks him his thoughts on interracial dating. If you couldn’t see this answer coming from 1,000 miles away, then you’re not bright. Matt gave the most PC answer imaginable. “It’s never come into my headâ€¦.I don’t even notice the color of your skinâ€¦.You’re black? I thought you were just really tan.” Or something like that. I mean really. What’s he supposed to say? “Actually, never dated a black woman and never wanted to. I don’t know why they cast you.” Please.
-Now it’s time for Band Camp Michelle to show us her talents. No, she won’t be blowing into a clarinet, or sticking itâ€¦..forget it. Michelle has written a little song for Matt. She just sings him the chorus. That’s too bad. I was really anxious to hear the other three verses to this x-rated beauty. Here it goes:
“I want to feel you. I want you to feel me.
I want to touch you. I want you to touch me.
I want to feel you. I want you to feel me.
I want to find you, in front of me.”
Yeah, she thought of that all by herself. Very creative. I wonder where she came up with such diverse lyrics? I do something, then you do the same thing in return. I’ll repeat that a couple times, just in case you missed it the first time around. Why did this show turn into “Bachelor Idol” again last night? And why do these women constantly feel the need to sing to Matt? I’m a guy with a pretty good grasp on what guys like. I can flat out tell you that we could care less if you can sing a song for us. It’s more awkward than anything. I know you’re putting out an effort and its something different, but still, we don’t care. It’s been studied and theorized over and over again that the less women open their mouths to talk and sing, the more likely it is the guy will want to have sex with them. It’s true. Look it up.
-Ashlee, who performed an equally awful song last week, gets her alone time now. Throw Ashlee into the category of “women that I didn’t really notice last week that I now want to have relations with”. Even if she does look like that actress Leelee Sobieski. Ashlee wants to know if Matt wants her. “I just want to know if you’re into me.” I think Matt said he was. Then Ashleelee says, “I’ve been staring at your lips all day.” I guess that was her subtle way of saying, “Hey, come here chap and suck my face off.” Which he did. And she got a rose for it, so she’s safe from elimination and pretty much made sure the other seven girls knew about it. Prancing around like a 5 year old telling everyone “I got a rose! I got a rose! Nanny nanny billy goat!”. Very mature. But she’s hot, so it doesn’t matter.
-The next group date takes place in Vegas with the other seven girls: Carri, Robin, Kelly, Shayne, Chelsea, Erin S., Amy, and Erin S. Matt says he’s never been to Vegas. Shayne says she’s been there like “1,000 times.” This girl is 22 mind you. Yet she’s been to Vegas a lot already. Uh oh. Sounds like someone’s been working the pole on the weekends. So each girl gets $1000 in chips, they have a half hour to play, and whoever has the most money at the end gets a Â½ hour with Matt for smoochie time. Carri immediately gave out the cheesiest line of the night: “I like blackjack, but I think really what I’m gonna be gambling with is my heart.” Barf. Why none of the girls actually decided to play blackjack is beyond me. Roulette is boring and dumb and your odds of winning big are minimal. But there they all were watching the little white ball spin around and land on numbers that weren’t theirs.
-Robin had an interesting strategy on this date. She just figured that since all the girls would eventually lose, she’d just not play and hope that her $1000 would be enough at the end. I can’t say I blame her, other than it makes her look about as fun as a wet blanket. Shayne on the other hand was the complete opposite. This gambling fiend obviously needs to check herself into GA after throwing all $2000 that she had on red. It came up black, so she was broke and it ultimately led to her pissy attitude the rest of the night. Talk about Debbie Downer. Geez. Could Shayne have possibly sucked any more life out of a Vegas trip if she tried? Not that losing two grand to her is a big deal – she probably drops that every time she’s in Vegas with daddy. Or her sugar daddy. Shayne ultimately became “that” girl last night. You know “that” girl. The one that can’t handle that Matt is not only dating her, but 14 other women. We see it every season. Inevitably, one of these girls doesn’t understand how the Bachelor can do that. And since Shayne is 22 and she’s the one used to playing guys, all is not fair anymore. I think she went off and stomped her feet somewhere while pouting.
-Kelly won with the most chips. During her alone time, I got the impression that Kelly either a) talks reaaaaalllllly slllllloooowwww, or b) is hammered. Could be both. She tells us that in her alone time, Matt learned that she is “nice, cool, and I can handle my alcohol.” Well, are you giving your panties away like the slutbag from last week? No, you’re not. So I guess in that sense you can handle your alcohol better than her. I’m just not so sure your battery hasn’t been on low the whole night. I’m having trouble figuring this girl out. Seems like she could be one of those drunks that gets real quiet, and somber, and tries to be over seductive. I guess that’s better than being the loud mouth drunk who’s completely obnoxious and makes sure everyone hears everything she says when she’s hammered. There needs to be a woman out there who is in between that. It’s always either one or the other. Why does alcohol need to be an excuse for your behavior? Never understood that one. Such an easy cop out.
-Chelsea gets some alone time, and decides that the arm wrestling match probably isn’t the way to go this time. You can also add Chelsea to the list of women who I didn’t have an opinion about one way or another last week to now I’d let bear my children. I know. Very gracious of me. Something incredibly sexy about her. Maybe it’s her voice. But after last night, I think she’s got final four potential. Matt seems to like her and her biceps. And we found out during the final credits that she’s double jointed. And that’s always a good thing. That means she can bend a lot of ways that maybe your average sexual partner can’t. You know, if that stuff came in handy or anything. Chelsea says she “does great things, but sometimes I get lonely. I want to share those great things with somebody.” Gulp. Well, for the time being, why don’t you just share those lonely times with yourself? And record it? Then put it up on YouTube. Or just send it to my email. Whatever one works best for you. I’m here to help.
-Robin’s turn to try and knock Matt’s socks off. She does her best by sitting on his lap while playing the piano. I’m pretty sure this angered a lot of the other women since they’d all like to be sitting on Matt’s lap and talking about the first thing that pops up. Ba-dum-bump. Thank you. I’ll be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress. I think that was the first perverted joke I ever heard then re-told. If you can even call that perverted. Wow. I’ve come a long way. Going from telling corny “sit on my lap” jokes to asking Chelsea if she wouldnâ€™t mind putting a video on YouTube of herself double clicking her mouse. I tell ya’, I’m really proud of how far I’ve come in this world. Maybe by next year, I’ll be getting into bestiality humor. I’m goin’ places, people. And oh yeah, Chelsea got the rose for the night.
-Back at the mansion, it’s time for the cocktail party where the women pull out the desperation card in hopes of getting a rose. Robin had one of the more interesting ways of going about this. She decided to play the “pretend game” with Matt. At least that’s what she called it. I call it “forced love”. She tells Matt, “Pretend we just met, accidentally, somewhere in England, what would you do next?” Translation: I ain’t leaving here until your tongue is jammed in my throat and this is the only thing I could come up with. So get on with it, limey. They kissed and lived happily ever after. Speaking of limey, some of you brought to my attention last week that I referred to Matt as a frog, which is a derogatory term to call French people, not English people. You’re right, I stand corrected. I would never insult the French on purpose, you know, being that their the most kind, fun loving, and wonderfully smelling people on earth. My apologies, frogs.
-Marshanna went to the bottom of the deck for her desperation card. She knows that Ashleelee’s been in his mouth. Robin just returned from her alone time without her lip gloss on, so Marshanna’s gonna do what Marshanna’s gonna do. And that’s get some of that English tongue in her mouth. Marshanna: “These lips. They’re waiting. For you.” Yes, she said that. And yes, acknowledged her lips which makes things much easier for me. At least I can do the same now without getting complaint emails calling me bad names. Let’s not beat around the bush people. Her mouth is HUGE. No other way around it. So she’s slow dancing with Matt, looking directly into his eyes, just waiting for him to plant one on her, but he goes with the, “I wanted to kiss Marshanna, but, the other girls were watching through the window and I didn’t think it’d be appropriate.” Uh huh. Sure you did. Just admit you feared getting your whole faced sucked off and we’ll call it even.
-The “Bachelor Idol” continues as now Carri decides it’s a good idea to sing for Matt. However, she pulls out her best Macaroni Grill singing waitress impression and does opera. Not half bad. Just awkward watching one person, sitting a foot away from you, belt out in opera voice for just one other person. I think Matt said he loved it when she was done, but then again, what’s he supposed to say. Yes, I give her credit for doing it. But I just don’t understand where women would think that would ultimately turn a man on. Really? It’s not like opera is very soft and melodic. You’re basically screaming into his face. People, just quit it with the songs. In the past, it’s always been horrible poetry that these women resort to. Believe it or not, I’m actually beginning to miss that. Remember the chick last season talking about the patch of hair on Brad’s ear. Pure gold.
-Shayne uses her time to apologize for her 6th grade behavior in Vegas. 6th grade might be a little extreme. I’d say 4th. However, because she’s blonde and the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas, Matt digs her. In fact, he says, “I fancy the pants off you”. Hmmmm, now I don’t know what that translates to in real English speak, but I’ll guess it means he wouldn’t mind snogging her. Call me crazy. Why does Shayne look like everyone’s younger sister? That girl is 22? Really? Matt, before you lay pipe, you might want to check ID on that one. If you told me she was 17, I’d believe you.
-Rose ceremony time. And our resident Hiccup Queen Amanda has started in with her uncontrollable “stressed induced hiccups”, as she likes to call them. She actually calls it the “meeps”, since that’s the sound it makes. Cute. And terribly annoying. Amanda could be the girl he’s attracted to most, he could be the one he sees as his wife someday, and she could be perfect in every way for him. But there’s no way that something like “meeping” wouldn’t factor into his decision. It has to. If there’s a known cure for it, then no, it wouldn’t. But that is something you’d have to deal with the rest of your life, I don’t think I’m being cold here when I say, well, there’s no chance in hell any guy could put up with that.
-Ashleelee and Chelsea already with roses, and probably on their way to the final four. Matt’s turn to spew some B.S.: “This is all like a dreamâ€¦.thank you for the last 2 daysâ€¦thank you for putting up with my different languageâ€¦.and I hope to shag all of you at some point.”
Robin: Her “pretend” game worked. I’ll just pretend I never saw it.
Holly: Still one my favorites, yet we’ve seen nothing from her for two weeks now.
Erin S.: Yet another we saw nothing from this episode.
Hiccup Queen: She “meeped” when she was walking towards him. I think he rolled his eyes.
Kelly: Is she wearing the worst dress or is it just me? I think it’s cotton.
Amy: Couldn’t tell you one thing about this chick.
Kristine: Ditto for her.
Marshanna: Call all the news stations. The token black girl has made it 2 rounds. I think that’s a record for this show.
Noelle: Very disappointed we got nothing from her this episode. However, if you visit www.drakesistersphotography.com, you can find a little about what Michelle does in her spare time. She’s also done some acting. Shocker. Had bit parts in “House” and the movie “Red Eye”. Not bad. I’m sure “The Bachelor” will fill out that resume just perfectly.
“Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready to give it to that teenager, let us call her dad first and make sure it’s ok. We don’t want any lawsuits. (Chris makes call). It’s ok Matt. Daddy says she can stay out an hour later now. Just no touching below her waist.
Shayne: Said she almost had a heart attack waiting for her rose. I did too. The suspense killed me since we saw you in the previews in future episodes.
-So Carri, Erin H., and Band Camp Michelle are goners. Carri, I hate to tell ya’, but I think it was the opera singing that did you in. Or biting through a beer can. Either one, I hope you enjoyed your stay. Band Camp girl, same thing. The singing did you in. Not so much that it was badâ€¦.ok, it was badâ€¦.but that Matt needed a little more out of that chorus. Repeating the same line twice in a 4 line chorus probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But she’ll bounce back. You know how I know? Because she said so. Band Camp Michelle: “I’m gonna go back and see my catâ€¦.have her prrrrr againâ€¦.and lay with meâ€¦.she’s the love of my life at the moment.” Ok, maybe not. Cats suck. Maddie’s the best.
-Dr. Reality Steve will return in two weeks, so remember, any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, Match.com stories, one night stand stories, feel free to email them all at email@example.com. Until next week, when I hopefully will have everything up on Tuesday morning. If you’re in the L.A. area, drinks are on me. I think. See yaâ€¦.