-It was definitely interesting watching the “Bachelor” this morning, and here’s why: The remote control was broken. So after it took me five minutes to even get into the DVR to start it, I realized I didn’t want to take a chance on fast forwarding or rewinding, so I basically had to watch the whole thing through with commercials and everything. I cannot remember the last time I watched any TV show and sat through the commercials. And I’m sure I’m not the only person who does this. It’s amazing how spoiled we’ve become where watching a show for a whole hour straight becomes such a chore, that we have to cut it down to 40 minutes by fast forwarding through commercials. This new media world we’re living in is going to hell in a handbasket. Our kids will be so ADD, it might be a miracle if they concentrated on one thing for more than 5 minutes. I’m a grown man and I can barely do it. Nevertheless, when I finally get back to my place next week, I won’t have to worry about this nonsense that my sisters TV in the backroom has going on. The sensor on the TV is all jacked up, hence the reason I couldn’t fast forward. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy.
-So we start out by Host Chris telling us about one group date, and two solo dates. And of course, on both of the solo dates, a rose will be given out. Or not. If you don’t get one, you go home. They’ve only done this for the past 500 seasons, yet, we get a surprise reaction from the women when Host Chris tells them this. “(Gasp) Really? My God!!!! I…I…I…I never knew such a thing existed.” Uh huh. Sure you didn’t ladies. You’ve watched every episode of every season just like me. You know exactly what’s going on the minute Host Chris comes bouncing into the living room every morning when you’re in your jammies with no make up on. Some of you look halfway decent, and some of you….well….it looks like you just woke up from your coffin. Anybody can look look all dolled up with gobs of make up on and their hair done. But the true beauty of a woman is how she looks first thing in the morning. That’s where most guys make their decision of whether or not they could be with someone long term, in case you didn’t know. If you pass the morning test, you’ve got a good shot. I’m such a romantic.
-So Holly gets the first solo date and her and Matt head to the Mann’s Chinese theater in Hollywood for the red carpet premiere of “Made of Honor” with Patrick Dempsey. This was just ridiculous. Matt and Holly arrive in a limo, they’re the first ones to get there, and the red carpet is lined with reporters, and paparazzi taking pictures and asking them questions. Ok, back up a second. When that was actually happening, the show hadn’t even begun to air. So how in the hell would anybody know who those two clowns were? Oh that’s right, everyone in that scene was an extra and told beforehand who those two people who don’t look familiar at all were. Silly me. People from “Extra” are asking Matt questions about being the “Bachelor” and how he likes American women, yet, unless they were told beforehand, would no idea who he was. All very stupid and fake if you ask me. They even got to dip their hands in fake concrete and act like people cared who they were. Really? So if I go to Hollywood Blvd today, I’ll see Matt and Holly’s handprints? Ummmm, yeah. That’s what I thought. Embarrassing.
-Of course, you may be asking yourself, “Why did they choose to give Matt and Holly that date?” Simple answer: Cross promotion. Without even looking, I’m 99% sure “Made of Honor” is produced by a Disney/ABC company, so they figured this’ll be more pub for their bad chick flick. And could the premise of “Made of Honor” been any more cookie cutter? Guy and girl are friends, guy is a player and can never settle down, his female friend finds a fiance, guy gets jealous because now he realizes he wants her, and he does what he can to stop the wedding. Gee, never heard that one before. It was better the first time when it was called the “Wedding Planner”, or “My Best Friends Wedding”. Same concept, same idea, just different actors. Hollywood is so unoriginal, it’s sick. All its become is bad remakes of old TV shows, different versions of other chick flicks with the new hottest actors/actresses, and indie films that all the artsy people care about. Yuck. Yes, I’ve become a Hollywood snob.
-Of course, being that Matt is starring in an ABC show, and “Made of Honor” is buying airtime during this show, when Holly asks Matt, “What’d you think of the movie?”, he says, “I liked it.” Of course you did. Probably was written into your contract you were supposed to like it. And if you didn’t, you had to lie. That’s why I miss Brad. I guarantee he would’ve come out of that theater saying it sucked. Then ABC would’ve got mad at him, thrown him under the bus by making up stories of him flying in DeAnna’s father for a proposal that wasn’t going to happen, then villify the guy for not picking either of the two girls. Oops. Sorry. Got off on a tangent there. Still behind ya’ Brad. Have fun with Tessa. Ummmmmm, anyway, back to this season. So Matt basically showed us he has no testicles by claiming he liked the movie was my point in this. Gee, do you think Patrick Dempsey ends up with his friend at the end, or she ends up getting married to the other guy? That’s a tough one. Such suspense. I can’t wait to find out.
-It’s movies like “Made of Honor” that make women crazy. You know why? Because they think that’s actual real life. And they want something like that to happen to them in their relationship. They’re actors! It’s acting! Because Richard Gere turned his prostitute for the night into his girlfriend doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen to you. And it doesn’t mean Richard Gere is a good guy. It’s a movie!!!!! Just know I’d be ecstatic if there was never another chick flick made. Chick flicks are the #1 reason why womens expectations in relationships are totally unrealistic. They want their relationship to mirror what they’ve seen on TV or in the movies. They want to be Ross and Rachel. They want to find their Mr. Big. They want to be Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Sorry. Life doesn’t work that way. And the sooner you people realize that, the smoother your relationship will be. And I will debate this topic with any female til I’m blue in the face. You can’t convince me movies and TV relationships don’t affect women and the way they approach their relationships.
-So after sitting through 2 hours of that mess of a movie, Matt and Holly go up to the top of a hotel for some alone time. Holly tells him that the reason she got into writing children’s books was that she used to babysit 3 children back in Ohio, and once she moved to LA, she missed them. So she started writing childrens books. Don’t really see the correlation there, but I do have a question. Good looking blonde from Ohio moves to L.A., and now she’s on a reality TV show promoting her book? I like Holly thus far, I think she’s one of the better looking girls on the show, she seems normal and likable, but, something tells me Holly might be on the show promoting her career. Just a guess. But hey, I still like her. And that should be all that matters. At least in my eyes. Who cares if Matt likes her? As long as Reality Steve is giving her his approval, that should be enough.
-So when Matt and Holly were dipping their hands in concrete at the Mann’s Chinese Theater, Matt wrote “Matt + Holly”. This slab of concrete was delivered back to the ladies mansion while Matt and Holly were out I’m guessing so they could rub their noses in it. When Shayne saw it, she was none too happy to see what Matt and Holly had written. Shayne: “I don’t think Matt wrote ‘Matt loves Holly’, I think Holly wrote that.” Ok, you keep thinking that sweetie. Is this 5th grade now? Are there gonna be notes passed around next? Maybe one them can bust out the game where Matt lives in a Shack, with 2 kids, and a Ferrari, and works as a janitor and is married to Shayne. I forget the name of that game, but just know I always ended up with the chick I wanted. And the car and house I wanted. Now I’m 32 and single. Screw that game. It should be banned from all elementary schools. Gives the young children of today false hope. To end the night, Matt and Holly get in a hot tub, Holly looks yummy, Matt thinks so too, he kisses her, and she gets a rose. And maybe a couple more buys of her book on Amazon.com.
-Time for the group date. A nice game of rugby with 10 chicks fighting over each other. Since I wasn’t able to pause, fast forward, or rewind due to the screwy TV, I couldn’t tell you all the chicks on this date. Just know it was the 10 who weren’t named Holly or Shayne, since Shayne got the other solo date. Matt got his rocks off watching all the girls stretch, and grope, and pull each other during warmups. As did I. Although, this whole date was all very “Rock of Love-ish” to me when all the skanks play in the mud bowl to win over Brett’s weiner. But whatever, since ABC isn’t original, they just stole VH1’s idea but changed the football to rugby. And made Matt less disease infected than Brett. And the women less whore-ish. But any time there’s short shorts, mud, and women running around tackling each other, count me in. I’m all for it. Good job, ABC. Next week, how about just a striptease for Matt’s affection? Might as well.
-Back at the house, Shayne is worried about her date. Not whether or not she’ll get a rose, not whether or not Matt is into her, and not if she can see herself marrying Matt. No, Shayne is freaking out because she hasn’t been to a tanning bed since she got to the house. And god forbid that apple of an ass she has doesn’t get tanned. All hell might break loose. But here comes Holly to the rescue. Holly tells Shayne she brought spray tan with her. And not just spray tan in a bottle, she brought the whole sha-bang. Full on motorized spray tan machine that I’m sure you can find at Sunset Tan. Something tells me ABC provided that and Holly really didn’t just bring a giant spray tan machine on her own. I’ll need to get a clarification on that. Anyway, at this point in the show, it became NC-17. You have that hot piece Holly spraying down an almost completely naked Shayne with spray tan. I think Shayne had a cloth covering her top, and well, nothing on below her waist. Except for that damn black box which appeared on my screen. How many more years before the US becomes like Europe and full frontal nudity is shown on network television? I honestly think it will happen within the next 10 years. I give cursing on network television 5 years, and nudity 10.
-Kelly and Marshanna are chosen as captains. I have no idea why. They pick teams, and Ashleelee is the last one picked. It’s a reverse discrimination. I guess the pretty you are, the further down you get picked since they don’t think you can hang with Inna, the Ukranian love tank. I can’t believe Brett called her that and she took that as a term of endearment. Sorry to turn this into a “Rock of Love” column, but can any sane woman think that a man calling her a Ukranian love tank is a compliment? I can’t see that in any way, shape, or form. Let me find some 5 foot 10, 160 beast at a bar, call her my Ukranian love tank, and see if takes too well to that. I’m guessing she’ll lift me up over her head and shot put me out of that place. Sorry Inna, but that might be the most unflattering nickname I’ve ever heard given to someone on reality TV. Well, minus any girl who’s appeared on “Flavor of Love”. Verrrrrrrrrry classy.
-Anyway, the rugby game was pretty uneventful. Chelsea thought that Ashleelee getting picked last was justified because “If you wear fake eyelashes to a rugby game, you deserve to be picked last.” And I’m sure no one else out there has anything fake on them either. There’s never anything fake about the Bachelorettes cast on this show. Ever. So, the only interesting that happened during the game was Marshanna got popped in the mouth by an elbow and started bleeding. The other girls claimed she was faking, but when they did a close up, Miss Black Awareness definitely had bloodied up her lip. But regardless, Marshanna says it doesn’t matter. “I still look fabulous, bloody lip or not.” Ummmm, I beg to differ, sweetie. I could easily make a incredibly insensitive joke about hoping that her lip doesn’t swell up, but I won’t.
-After the game of rugby, (don’t ask me who won. I don’t remember and I don’t care), Matt takes them back to his $4000 a month pad that ABC is paying for, and they had a little picnic or something. Matt had two masseuse’s there as well, so one lucky girl would get to have a couples massage with him. No surprise he picked the chick with the biggest cans on the date, Kelly, to join him. When all else fails, go for the chick with the big rack. Can never go wrong. These two really seemed to be getting into their massages. Especially when horndog Kelly blurted out, “I like it really hard.” Ha…I bet you do. And I also bet you probably said that a week earlier during some other conversation, and they edited it in to your massage so perverts like me get excited. Yet another stellar editing job, ABC. Way to go.
-Robin, who will later become the devil to every other girl in the house, tells Matt that she really wants to do everything she can to stay in the house, but she won’t do anything stupid. Oh, you mean like sing opera? Bite through a beer can? Stick a clarinet in….forget it. You get the point. No, Robin isn’t that girl. She’s just someone that’ll slit another girls neck to get any extra 30 seconds with Matt, even if she already has a rose and is safe for the night. More on that to come. I’m really not sure where I stand on Robin right now. I always complain when one of these whiners talks about having trouble with the Bachelor dating so many other women, but Robin is the opposite. She accepts the fact that he is, so she just makes the most out of her time when she’s with him. She’s just a giant bitch about it and doesn’t come across as very likable. So I’m torn.
-Amanda the Meeper, whom it doesn’t seem like has said more than two words to Matt since he gave her the first impression rose, finally gets some alone time. She says she’s afraid Matt might think she’s boring. Trust me honey. Nobody who meeps uncontrollably is boring. Annoying as hell? Yes. Boring? No way. So Amanda does her best to show Matt she’s not boring by talking about music. It was at this point in the show where Matt Grant officially came out of the closet to tell us he was gay. Matt is a fan of “Classic George Michael”. Meaning he liked “Father Figure”. And probably “Faith”. And “Careless Whisper”. And “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”, which could be the gayest song/video ever. Tell me he and Andrew Ridgley weren’t prancing around on stage in tight, flourescent dolphin shorts singing those ridiculous lyrics? Yeah, and people were shocked when George Michael came out? The proof was already there.
-Matt comes back into the room with all the ladies, announces he has a rose to give out to someone who he had an “amazing day with, and who was amazing on the rugby field. And that’s Robin.” Oh boy. Let the catfighting begin. Like these beytoches are gonna be happy about that. Robin is about as likable to these women as Omarosa is to mankind. I wonder what its like to be hated by everyone in your immediate circle? I wouldn’t know since everyone that reads this column is such a huge fan. Or something like that.
-Now it’s time for Shayne’s solo date. I don’t pretend to be an authority on women’s outfits, but was the whole black mini skirt with the white calf-high boots a good look? There was something very wrong about that. Didn’t seem like those shoes were the right match. And she looked like she barely knew how to walk in them. So they go wine tasting in Ojai, and immediately Matt starts in with the questions about her acting family. Shayne: “It’s not like you would know who my dad was….His name is Lorenzo Lamas…..He was on a show ‘Renegade’. He’s pretty popular here in the states.” WHOA!!!! WHAT???!!!! Of all the acting gigs your pops has had, you throw out that he was on “Renegade”? Hell, I’d never even heard of that show. But I do know he was the player Tom Chisum, swinging between Sandy and banging Patti Simcox in “Grease”. And who could forget his memorable 155 episode run as “Hector Ramirez” of “Bold and the Beautiful.” (Ok, I cheated and got that off IMBD. I had no idea). Geesh, Shayne. Quit selling your dad short. “Renegade”? Who the hell watched that garbage?
-They talked about marriage, and whether or not the fact that she’s young, and immature, and 22 would play a role in anything. She claims it wouldn’t. She said she moved out at 17 and is very grown up and has been through a lot at her age. And oh yeah, she mentions that pops Lorenzo has been “several” times (I looked it up. He’s had 4 wives). Very stable home life you can tell Shayne has had growing up. Like this chick isn’t the poster child for divorce. Yeah, she’s definitely ready to settle down. Mark my words, Shayne will get married at least 3 times in her life. You can count on that. Here’s Matt’s assessment of her so far: “Shayne is the ultimate L.A. sex kitten in my eyes.” Uh, huh. You got that right. And when I hear the phrase “Ultimate L.A. sex kitten”, I immediately think “marriage potential”. C’mon, Matt. There’s no way you’re gonna pick her. Put her out of her misery now and stop stringing her along. Daddy’s gonna spoil her even more after you dump her.
-I will give Shayne major credit for one thing. She tells Matt, “I’m not pretentious or uptight.” Matt: “Would you consider yourself high maintenance?” And after thinking it over, she says, “Yeah. I would say I am.” I actually liked her better after she admitted that. At least she didn’t pretend that she wasn’t. See? It’s all about being real and honest. Guys appreciate that. Then she even took it a step further by telling Matt the five most important things to her are cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches. Once again, much credit for her admitting that rather than pretending she was somebody who she wasn’t. Could I ever be with someone who had those as such a high priority in her life? Not a chance in hell. But I at least respect her for admitting it. So her and I could just be real good friends. With benefits.
-Matt is still debating on whether to give her a rose to keep her around or send her home. Shayne seems to have forgotten that she needs to let Matt explore her tongue on this date sooner rather than later or she’s going home. Shayne: “I forgot about that rose until I sawl it.” Yes ladies and gentleman, Shayne is one of those people who apparently can’t pronounce words that end in “aw” without throwing a “l” sound in there. No honey, it’s “….until I saw it”, not “sawl it”. Do you think this played a factor into whether or not Matt gives her a rose? Of course it doesn’t. She loosened up. Rolled around on the carpet in her short skirt with him, he cradled her like a baby, played a little tonsil hockey, and these two lived happily ever after with her getting the rose. Awwwwww….how cute. A match made in heaven.
-Back at the house, Robin is going on and on and on about how she got a rose, and she fought for it, and she’s not willing compromise the woman that she is, blah blah blah blah. All it does is give Amanda the go ahead to start her stress induced hiccuping, and Amanda starts meeping all over Robin’s conversation. I’m going to be 100% honest when I say this: I think Amanda is extremely attractive, would even go as far as to say she’s my type. She seems normal, not much baggage, has a good head on her shoulders, and is someone that, despite going on a reality show looking for love, doesn’t seem to be a complete idiot. Now, with that said, I can’t for the life of me figure out how anyone would possibly be able to marry that chick with the chronic hiccuping. There’s no guy out there who can say with a straight face that her meeping wouldn’t drive them absolutely batty. Stand on your head, Amanda. Have someone scare you. Anything. Just know that Matt ain’t gonna pick you in the end if you’re meeping during sex.
-Final chance for the ladies to impress Matt at the cocktail party. Chelsea is up first looking kinda Scarlett Johansson-esque. I’m liking Chelsea more and more. I’ve put the whole “I-can-kick-your-ass-in-arm-wrestling” behind me. And apparently so has Matt as he rams his tongue down her throat before the other girls see him. He says she’s a great kisser. I guess we have to take his word for it, but, seems to be a bit awkward that he’s able to have any sort of kissing chemistry with anyone when he has a mouth the size of a 2 year old. How is that even possible?
-Time for Robin to start pissing people off. Even though she already has a rose and is safe for tonight, she decides it would be a good idea to steal Matt away from Amy during their alone time. I don’t know what for, I don’t know why, all I know is that this immediately got all the other girls’ panties in a bunch. They’ve officially declared war on Robin. Everyone hates her. So she’s officially become the Moana of this season. Roboana. There. She has a new name. In fact, judging by the previews for next week, she gets to become even more and more hated. Except by Matt. That’s exactly how it was with Travis and Moana. Every girl hated her and Travis didn’t see it. Whatever the case, Robin will not win. The most hated girl in the house has never been the one in end. There’s something to be said when a guy is interested in a girl that everyone else hates. He might claim that it doesn’t bother him, but it does. No one wants to have that girlfriend who others all dislike. Makes you start disliking them too. Not that this has ever happened to me. Of course not.
-At this point, Shayne, Kelly, and Amy have had enough of Roboana, so they interrupt her alone time and steal her away from Matt. So if everyone already wasn’t against her, now they are. Roboana definitely has her work cut out for her. On the other hand, Holly, who is already safe for the evening with her own rose, is turning into “that girl”. You know, the one who can’t stand the fact her man is dating other women. Yeah, her. Not good Holly. Especially when you’re safe for the night. I think it even brought her to tears. I don’t remember, since at this point in the show, I hadn’t been able to get past the fact I’d watched every single commercial and I was bored to tears and I wanted this to end.
-Rose Ceremony time. Nine girls without roses, three are going home. Here’s Matt with the shortest intro speech before a rose ceremony ever. “You all look lovely….there’s a British saying “I’m in a right pickle”….this won’t be easy.” That’s it? Really? Good. A man of few words. Now let’s get down to business.
Amanda: “Meep!! Meep!!” I think it’s about time we start calling her the Road Runner.
Ashleelee: Didn’t see a lot her this episode. But she’s still hot.
Chelsea: It would’ve really sucked if he spit all over her tongue, then 20 minutes later, didn’t give her a rose.
Noelle: Didn’t see a lot of her either. However, still hot.
Host Chris told the ladies this was the final rose of the night. It was the 4,652nd time he’s uttered that phrase, and frankly, I’ll never get tired of it. Brings a smile to my face every week.
Marshanna: Whoa. New record. Token black girl moves on to Week 4. However, we see in the previews she goes on a 2-on-1 date with Holly next week. One girl gets a rose, one doesn’t. Gee, could they make it any more obvious?
-So no real good meltdowns at the end of the episode. The hot dog vendor, Erin S., barely got any air time during the episode. Amy told us he didn’t realize what he could’ve had, and Kristine knew she might be going because she has a hard time opening up. Worst ending to the show they’ve ever had. C’mon. We need some drama. That’s why we watch this.
-I made it. Probably the latest I’ve ever finished this column, but I’m glad I did. Now it’s time to take my niece to see “Horton Hears a Who”. I’m guessing this will either be torture for the next 90 minutes, or a ton of fun. I’ll let you know next week. Until then…..