The Bachelor 12 - Matt

The Bachelor Recap – 4/7/08

-Great to be in town. Sleeping my own bed. Dealing with a functioning television that lets me skip commercials. And having Maddie by my side. She was ecstatic to see me and I don’t think has gotten off the bed since I got home on Sunday except for the times we go for walks. And starting today at 1:30, for the next 8 weeks, we begin obedience classes. I haven’t really had any obedience problems with her at all since she’s very much an indoor dog. I just figured it was the right thing to do. Can I have the instructor teach Maddie that, although I have no problem with her sleeping in my bed at night, could she learn to move over a little bit at times so she’s not taking up all my space? Can these obedience classes teach her to not snore so loud? That would sure help. Whatever the case, it should be fun. I’m just curious why it would take them 8 weeks to help me train my dog who pretty much loves sleeping on my bed or on the couch? I guess they’re just milking me for every dollar they can.

-So in the reality television dating world, three things came to light this week. On “Rock of Love 2” we learned that Daisy the hooker is Oscar De La Hoya’s niece. Well, internet goons like myself knew this about a month ago, but Sunday was the first time she revealed it to everyone else. Why she did that, I have no idea. Other than she’s a 5 foot nothing, 100 lb, DD’d idiot who can’t be taken seriously. She is by far the only female in reality TV history that I could honestly say I hate. That girl has zero redeeming qualities. She’s ugly, she’s a stripper, and the way she talks is about as annoying as it can get. The other thing we learned from a “Rock of Love” contestant was that Ambre hosts a TV show, which is why she had to lie about her age. Of course no one could’ve ever believed she was 32 anyway, but she still lied and said she was. Immediately when I heard this, I ran to the internet and found out she hosts a local TV show in Chicago on home and lifestyles or something. Then if you did deeper, you’ll see she has an IMDB page which has her as the wedding coordinator in “Sweet Home Alabama” amongst her credits. Don’t know. Didn’t see it. Remember, it’s a chick flick. Refer to last week’s column for the reasoning behind that. So it’s down to two: Daisy the 22 year old stripper, or Ambre the 37 year old actress vying for 44 year old Brett’s heart. Ummmmm, I don’t know either. Those two couldn’t possibly be any more different. It’s Ambre in a heartbeat for me, but I’m not a disease infested Brett. If he picks Daisy, he might as well light his junk on fire. Probably feel better than putting it in her meat cave.

-The other thing we learned this week, thanks to a Reality Steve reader who pointed this out (can’t believe I missed this), was that our good friend Holly once dated Justin Guarini. You know, the Sideshow Bob geek from Season 1 of “American Idol”. If you want to see any pics of them, just google “Holly Durst/ Justin Guarini” and they they are on the red carpet. Or you may just call him the co-star of “From Justin to Kelly” – that blockbuster of a movie that they made after the first season of “Idol” ended. Wow. Did that really happen? Did they really make a movie with the two finalists from “Amercian Idol”? I don’t know the plot but I’m guessing it had something to do with them having a crush on each other, takes place in a beach city, and a lot of dancing and singing going on while they try and get in each others pants. Didn’t I mention two weeks ago how unoriginal Hollywood is? I give you “From Justin to Kelly”. I think the same storyline with the two season 2 finalists would’ve been much more interesting – “From Clay to Reuben”. Since we all know Clay is into that sort of thing. Anyway, the point being here is that despite the title of “Children’s Book Author”, Holly is obviously looking to be famous. And went about it in the past by dating someone who was famous for maybe five seconds. If you don’t think the rest of this column will be littered with Justin Guarini comments, you’re sorely mistaken.

-The show begins exactly as the last three shows have begun: Host Chris walking in on the lingerie pillow fights the girls are having to tell them what the dates will be this week. Ok, maybe they’re just sitting on the couch having just woken up in their jimmies, but to me, the lingerie pillow fighting is where it’s at. They need to make this happen. Not that this was any surprise, but there’ll be a 1-on-1 date with Amanda the Roadrunner, a 2-on-1 date with Marshanna and Holly Guarini, and then a tennis group date with Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Ashleelee Sobieski, Noelle, and Robin the Hated One. When Robin finds out about their tennis and tea date, she gets all excited. Robin wants to remind everyone that she spent time living in England, and apparently, that makes her the authority on tea. Robin: “At Wimble-TON, they always have a high tea party.” Having been a huge sports nut since I was in about 2nd grade, it’s safe to say I know a few things. And I’m not a huge tennis fan at all, but one of my biggest pet peeves, especially working in radio, is when I hear people pronounce “Wimbledon” as “Wimble-TON”. There is no “T” sound in “Wimbledon” people. Stop it. You sound ignorant. And for someone who claims to be all knowing when it comes to “high tea at Wimbledon”, Robin frankly doesn’t know sh**. She can’t even pronounce the biggest tennis tournament in the world. And if Shayne sticks around any longer listening to this, then one day decides to make a trip overseas to watch this tournament, one day she’s gonna come back and tell everyone, “Hey, I sawl Maria Sharapova win Wimble-TON”. Then I’m going to have to shoot myself.

-It’s time for the group date and the six ladies to play tennis. All of them suck, except for Ashleelee, who not only is good, but is looking awfully hot in her little tennis get up. Yikes. I almost had to take a cold shower while watching her backhanded stroke. Uhhh..huh..huhh….huh…huh…huh….I said stroke. If this chick didn’t make up such horrible songs on the fly and sing them a capella, I might like her even more. Once Matt pulled her aside to try and feel up her skirt, she blurted out yet another song which sounded like she wrote it ten seconds ago. Ready for this doozy?

“I feel it could be real, but I’m scared to let myself go there
Because I fear that I’ll fall so hard and you’ll just break my heart”

Matt: “When Ashlee starts singing, I get mesmerized.” Then he tells her after my ears started bleeding, “Your voice is amazing.” Ummm, was he listening to the same thing we were? Now, because Ashleelee is hot, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. That’s what us guys do. In all fairness, Ashleelee is a professional singer/songwriter, so rather than trample on her god awful songs she wrote for Matt, I’ll let all of you decide how good she is. She has quite a few songs on her MySpace page that, although aren’t Grammy winning material, definitely sound better than that crap last night. Plus, there are pictures of her on there I get sweaty looking at. Her MySpace address is:

www.myspace.com/ashleewilliss

-So while Ashleelee sings to impress Matt, Chelsea and Shayne have other plans. They figure a gymnastics competition in their tiny tennis shorts might do the trick. Well ladies, it certainly did for me. Thank you. I almost used the whole box of Kleenex. Anyway, these two called it a “gymnastics competition”, when all it really was was them seeing who could do a handstand the longest. Shayne won after Chelsea quit about five seconds in. Some handstander she is. That’s ok. I’m sure she’s an expert in other areas. Like conversation and political issues. You know, stuff like that. Shayne on the other hand, well, this is probably her best talent. I mean, of course she was the star of the gymnastics team at Rydell High. I’m sure the T-Birds came to all her competitions to see her compete. Although, I bet Shayne was the one girl who strayed and dated one of the Scorpions. Maybe it was lead guy with the horrible skin’s little brother. Little Balmudo. He and Shayne would make a great couple. Until Michael Carrington got upset, learned how to ride a bike, and knocked her socks off outside of Bowl-R-Rama. Now I’m mixing up both Grease 1 and 2. I’ll stop. Just know that if you were a cast member in Grease 2, and I’m talking to you Michelle Pfeiffer, and you couldn’t tell that Michael Carrington was the guy behind the goggles, then you’re an idiot. He was the only British guy in the school you dolt. And its not like he was hiding his accent from you when you two were making out at the gas station. Don’t get me started.

-When Robin pulls Matt away for some alone time, pretty much what you expect to happen does. He starts to like her even more, and the girls all gossip behind her back. Good times. Robin impressed him because she told a boring story about how her parents have a tea maker at home. A tea maker? Really? In your own house? How edgy of them? C’mon Robin, tell us about their stamp collection too? Please, please, please? Of course, Matt is blown away by this and I guess since she once lived in England, this gives them sort sort of UK connection. Matt: “Is she American or is she British?” Tell me he didn’t just ask that. As far as I can tell, she’s about as American as they come Matt. Don’t be fooled by her tea maker. That has about as much relevance to a relationship between the two of you working as your Michael Carrington accent does.

-And of course, as we’ve learned by now, anytime Robin spends time with Matt, the other girls get upset. When Robin returns from her time alone, Shayne isn’t happy with her. Noelle hadn’t had any time yet, Shayne told Robin that was rude of her, and Robin responded with “I’m not here to play fair”, and it’s difficult for her to interact with women because, ummm, apparently she doesn’t get along with them. Nahhhhh really? I couldn’t tell that at all. Seems like all your best friends would be women. Your social skills around them seem to be impeccable, and the way all the others in the house gravitate towards you, makes you seem so likable. I don’t know where you’d get this idea that you don’t relate well to…..oh wait, you’re crying now. Forget it. Robin: “I pretty much feel alone out here.” Yeah well that’s what happens when you alienate everyone in the house. Now you know how Moana felt. I think you two should get together and go bowling. Or make out. Either one is fine by me.

-Back at the house, the 2-on-1 date box for Marshanna and Mrs. Guarini arrives, and immediately, ABC starts in with the “Marshanna the underdog” storyline. Marshanna: “I might as well start packing. I’m going in as the underdog tonight. Holly has already had some alone time with Matt.” If that didn’t give away what would happen on their date, then you don’t know this show too well. Last week, when we saw the previews and realized the 2-on-1 date would be with Marshanna and Holly, even I, Mr. Know it All, immediately assumed it was a slam dunk Marshanna would be going home. But then after thinking about it, I realized I’d jumped the gun. There’s no way they’d ever make something so obvious like that on this show. Let’s see, a girl who just got a rose during a 1-on-1 date going up against the token black girl, who’s lasted longer than any other black female in the show’s history. It was almost too obvious to 99% of the viewers who’d be going home. Which is exactly why Holly ended up getting sent home. They wanted to throw a little twist in there. When in reality, Holly just missed Justin and had more chemistry with his perm than she did with Matt’s tiny mouth. It happens.

-Back on the tennis date, Matt ends up giving his rose to Chelsea of all people. Not that Chelsea isn’t a player in this game, it’s just that she lost her handstand competition to Shayne, she wasn’t really that good at tennis, and Ashleelee’s rock hard body in her tennis outfit outdid her as well. So Chelsea gets the rose, and it struck me then and there who she reminds me of: Jillian Barberie. Kinda has the raspy voice like her, and facially, looks like she could be her younger sister. I don’t care if you agree with me or not, she does. Ashleelee and her hot body are not happy with Matt’s decision. Ashleelee: “Does what we had mean nothing?” Ummmm, apparently. I guess your bad singing wasn’t good enough to offset your cans that were so tightly fit into that sports bra. Hey, if it were me, it’d be a no-brainer. Girl who looks the best in her mini tennis outfit, you get the rose. But you’re dealing with a Brit here. They already start off at 100 on the weird scale. Next thing you know, this guy will be dumping a that little blonde hottie Holly for Marshanna and her ugly dress.

-The 1-on-1 date is up next with Amanda the Meeping Roadrunner. Already, while getting her hair done, the meeps are out. “I think Matt thinks I’m super quiet and sweet. I need to show him a sexy side.” Yes you do. And you also need to show him you can not meep every 10 seconds. That would help too. However, once again, to be fair to one of the contestants on this show, because I’m such a good guy and am always looking to help someone out, I was given this link by a reader concerning Amanda’s meeping. Apparently someone out there, might be her or might not, is trying to make a quick buck off her meeping. Which I have no problem with. So anyone interested in joining “Team Meep”, click on this link and purchase whatever you want. I’m in no way affiliated with this thing, I’m not making a cent off it, but someone forwarded me the link, I thought it was funny, and god forbid, she has to live with that horrible stress induced hiccupping, I’ll do anything to help her out. Here’s the link:

http://www.teammeeps.com/?gclid=CIrDtr3ix5ICFQGCxwod33IFbg

-Roadrunner and Matt go on a 1950’s date that’s about as cheesy as you can get. She looks like she’s ready to go to the Sock Hop, and he’s just wearing all black and not looking anything like from the 50’s. Except he says he feels like the Fonz and says, “Aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy”. Just stop it, you limey. Quit trying to act American. We don’t like your kind over here. If he starts breaking out his, “What’chu talkin’ bout’ Willis?” impression, I think I’ll take an ax to my TV. This date really was pretty boring. The Runner tried to teach him how to dance and he was clueless. Matt admits to having a geek side. We already knew this Matt. We see it every second you’re on screen. No shock there. I’m gonna cut this date short just because there’s nothing happening. He gives her a rose, then they head off to the Santa Monica Pier to go on the kiddie rides. The Santa Monica Pier is kind of a cool place to hang out – if you’re a teenager. It’s a place you can literally walk around in 5-10 minutes, win a stuffed animal, then get out of there. Unless you like hanging around high schoolers who walk in groups and are texting the whole time. These two got on the ferris wheel, licked each others tongues, and that was it. How romantic. Hope you got a churro while you were there.

-Now it’s time for Marshanna vs. One-time-former-date-of-the-second-place-finisher-of-American-Idol-who-hasn’t-done-a-damn-thing-since. They arrive at Matt’s place for some dinner. Mrs. Guarini looks very cute in her dress and Marshanna is wearing a hat that she stole from the Swedish chef on the Muppets. Yet once again, Matt loves something I hate. “I’m lovin’ that hat.” Really? I bet the chef is pretty pissed off she ripped that from him. You know, I thought that chef had a name, but when I looked it up, I guess he’s only been known as “Swedish chef”. Every other Muppet seems to have a name. Why did he get screwed? Who’d he piss off? I demand someone names him. Although, since Jim Henson is dead and he was the voice the Swedish chef, nothing the Muppets do anymore counts. The minute he died, and Kermit’s voice changed, my whole Muppet world changed. The “Muppets Take Manhattan” was the last great thing that cast ever did. Henson was still alive, Kermit sold “Manhattan Melodies” to Broadway, the whole gang got back together, Kermit gets amnesia, its all about to go to hell in hand basket, but finally Miss Piggy knocks some sense into him, and the show goes off without a hitch. And they get married. Still brings a tear to my eye. “Hey, what’s your name?” “Uhhh, Phil. Phil up. Phil.” “Phillip Phil. Catchy name.” I wonder if it’s possible if I can reference any more non-descript 80’s movies in this column?

-Matt asks both ladies over drinks about possibly moving to the UK. Marshanna: “I don’t have anything keeping me in New York.” That’s funny. I just figured billions of guys are beating down your door wanting you to stay. I mean, with those beautiful dresses you wear, and that sassy New York attitude you carry around, and just that overall aura that you have, I can’t imagine why you’re single. As for Holly? “Before ever meeting you, I wanted to move to London.” Oh you did? Funny this was never mentioned before. All the sudden Holly, who deserted the three kids in Ohio she babysat for so she could move to L.A. and write childrens books and date D-list celebrities now wants to move to England? How convenient. But it does kinda make sense. No one in England will have a clue to how much a loser Justin Guarini is over there. He could just start all over.

-He pulls each girl aside for some alone time. Marshanna starts blabbing about “no guts, no glory”, and that she needs to take a chance. Which leads to probably the most awkward looking kiss in this shows history. There was no tongue involved, but when these two were attached at the mouth, Marshannas lips completely covered Matts mouth. I almost felt bad for him. I didn’t know if he was still breathing. But after he pulled away and said, “That was a great kiss”, I figured he was hyperventilating. Uhhh Matt, that wasn’t a great kiss. It was two seconds long, there was no tongue involved, and it looked incredibly uncomfortable. But hey, you’re the cool British guy who all the chicks love, so I guess I’ll take your word for it.

-During his time with Holly Idol, Matt admits he has a boring side to him. And if anyone can top Matt in the boring category, it’s Holly Durst. Holly: “Me too. I like to curl up and watch movies.” Uh oh. I guess I’m boring too. But instead of “watch movies” you can replace that with “bad reality TV shows that are targeted for teenage girls.” I might need to fix that. But hey, anyone who knows me knows that comes with the rest of this awesome package I have to offer. Just overlook my fascination with crappy reality shows and look at the finer things I have to offer. My charm, my disposition, my hulking features, my dapper sense of style, and my big feet. And oh yeah, Maddie. We’re a package deal now. The line forms to the left, ladies. Regardless, Matt and Holly’s night is going nowhere. He tells her to ask him some challenging questions, and she couldn’t think of one. Yep. She’s boring all right. Which is why she chased after Justin Guarini of all people. I’m really blown away by the fact that this chick thought that after moving to L.A., and wanting to get ahead in this industry, she thought that guy was someone she could sleep her way to the top with. Amazing.

-A real quick shot back at the mansion has Shayne telling everyone in the house who’ll listen, “There’s no way Holly’s going home tonight”, which is about as much of a dead giveaway as they possibly could’ve given. Very next scene has Matt giving Marshanna the rose and sending Holly back into Hollywood obscurity. Maybe she can hook up with Sanjaya now. Seems to be her cup of tea. Matt says there was definitely a physical attraction with her, but, well, the conversation sucked. Holly: “I couldn’t give you everything right off the bat. I’m sorry.” Then in the limo when she’s crying hysterically, she says, “I poured my heart out to him. I feel stupid.” Sooooo, which one is it? You couldn’t open up to him right away, or you poured your heart out and he rejected it? You’re saying two different things sweetie. Neither of which matter at this point since he picked Marshanna over you. Have fun living with that thought. Frankly, I’d just give up dating if I were you.

-Time for the ladies to make one last impression before Matt sends two more home. Marshanna is safe, which is why she felt she could wear another Egyptian outfit to the Rose Ceremony. It must be some cruel joke all the other girls are playing with her by telling her she looks good. Girl, you look hideous. “Take those ridiculous things off!” Yessss!!!! Chalk up another 80’s movie reference. Ashleelee is up first to try and hang on for dear life. He basically tells her he needs to know more about her than her bad singing and songwriting. He really hopes there’s more to her other than her looks and her music. Ashleelee: “Well, let’s spend a full day together and find out.” C’mon Matt. Don’t you realize what she just offered you? A day of sex. At least, that’s how I read it. Apparently though, one of the best looking girls in the house with the best body offering it up to him for free wasn’t enough. He needs more than that. Like that bottle of sunshine Robin.

-It was Kelly’s turn to try and make him like her. She was failing miserably as her body language with her arms crossed basically said, “Get away from me. I don’t like guys.” I’ve read books on body language before, and that definitely is one to always remember. Arms crossed means “get away from me loser, you ain’t getting none of this piece.” Or something like that. Matt says she’s his biggest fan, but he doesn’t see it. He feels like a “stuffy Brit” when he’s around her. Things are getting really tense here. He’s already corrected her on her body language, he’s questioned her on how big a fan she is of his, and he feels like a stuffy Brit around her and can’t be himself. Hmmmmm, how does one loosen up this situation? Of course! By showing her boobs. How silly of me. Kelly opens up her shirt, shows her pretty decent rack to Matt in her fake diamond studded bra, and pretty much that was the end of her. Nice try, skank. Exactly how did you think that would win him over?

-Noelle and Shayne also had their alone time with Matt, but considering the acts that Ashleelee and Kelly just pulled, Noelle and Shayne could’ve dropped a deuce in his lap and still gotten a rose. This was one of the more easier Rose Ceremonies to predict. Marshanna, Chelsea, and the Roadrunner already with roses. 5 girls left for 3 roses. And Kelly and Ashleelee are an embarrassment. Hmmm…….Matt: “Thank you….put yourselves out there…sticking with this…it’s been a real pleasure…..thanks for the quick peek at your rack, Kelly. Now you can go home.”

Shayne: It’s safe to say she’s probably going to the Final Four. I can’t wait to see Lorenzo Lamas on the hometown date. I hope he breaks out in his Grease letterman’s jacket.

Robin: Is she American or British? She’s American you idiot. She’s also not gonna be the final girl left standing. Not a chance.

“Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready.” Are you kidding me, Chris? There’s three roses and five girls. He just gave two of those away in 1.7 seconds. Do we really need the refresher course on how many roses are left? I guess that’s why you make the big bucks and I don’t make a dime writing about how ridiculous it is.

Noelle: Noelle basically got this rose by process of elimination since they barely showed any time she had with Matt.

-On her way out the door, Kelly took it like a woman, was very professional, handled everything with class, and was stand up about the whole process. Yeah right. “I’d be with me. Any dude would want to date me.” I totally agree. Any dude with the name Brett Michaels would be all over you in a second. When there is a “Rock of Love 3”, I fully expect to see Kelly front and center on that show. She’d be a perfect fit in that house of sluts. And it’s not like those casting people have any standards when it comes to who appears on their show. Good God. Where do they find these people? Oh yeah, I forgot. The local strip clubs.

-Ashleelee had a most interesting exit. She sang. What a shocker. And she even sang the song she sang earlier in the episode. I really don’t want to repeat them because they were bad. And boring. And didn’t make any sense. She also “wants to find someone who will see more to me than just a songwriter.” For his sake, I hope he does. I don’t think anyone will be after you because you can write them a song, I promise you that. Hey, maybe you could join the “Rock of Love 3” cast as well. You’re not nearly whore-y enough, but you like to play music and write your own songs, and we know Brett wouldn’t mind singing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” 100 times to you. I think this could work. And I should get paid some sort of casting fee for when Kelly and Ashleelee appear next season.

-Next week, we get to see Marshanna’s inner New York come out. “Walk off! Walk off! Walk off! Walk off!” Oh snap, girl! You tell em’. And you watch as there’s no chance in hell you get a hometown date.

-And for those that are interested, I promised an update of taking my niece to see “Horton Hears a Who”. Good movie. I enjoyed it. She didn’t understand it. But as long as there’s a talking elephant and bright colors and a bunch of animals, she was happy. She watched first hour from her seat. After that, it got a little dicey. There was about 10 people in the theater, so we had a whole row to ourselves. An hour in, she started walking up and down the aisle pulling down every arm rest. Then she stood up on her seat for a bit, then watched the last 15 minutes or so standing in front of her seat. All she knows is Horton is elephant and that’s about it. I won’t be getting a term paper anytime soon dissecting the positives and negatives of Whoville almost becoming obsolete. Until next week…..

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