The Bachelor 12 - Matt

The Bachelor Recap – 4/14/08

-Let’s just say that my new favorite line ever uttered in reality TV occurred Sunday night. Is there anything that could possibly beat Brett Michaels looking lovingly into a crying Ambre’s face and say, “Now let’s go have hot, monkey sex”? Didn’t think so. Find me a better line uttered on reality TV in the last 5 years. Bet you can’t. Maybe Sue Hawks speech in the first season of “Survivor”, but that’s about it. Nothing tugs at the heart strings more than two people obviously in love talking about having monkey sex. Really gets me every time. I almost feel those two were put on this earth to eventually end up together. What a beautiful couple. And if you think that the phrase “hot, monkey sex” won’t be referenced another 10 times in this column, then you apparently don’t know me. In fact, I’m almost positive I’ve used that phrase before in this column. But it just doesn’t have the same effect as when Brett tells it to his final suitor and they walk off into the sunset together. Because you know they did. A lot of it. test

-And in case you haven’t read the most recent interview with Brett and Ambre, they are still together, but just dating. Brett Michaels actually may have uttered the smartest thing ever said by anyone that ever appeared on a reality dating show before. In case you missed it, here’s how he summed up where he and Ambre are at right now:

“I found someone who is really nice and cool and gets rock ‘n’ roll. We can see when it goes from here. I said this from day one: I went into this to have fun and maybe find someone to like. True love is not going to be found instantly on a TV show. That is only for scripted shows. … Anyone thinking they are going into a TV show finding love, they might find someone that they like and eventually learn to like them more. I think finding true love, I never went in with that intent.”

If you want to hear what Ambre has to say, go to this link:

http://blog.vh1.com/2008-04-13/the-celebreality-interview-ambre/

And here’s her MySpace page in case you want to see more of her posing half naked:

http://www.myspace.com/ambrelake

Holy crap! I’m blown away. Did he really just make complete sense? Did he really just put into words exactly what I’ve said about the Bachelor for the last, oh I don’t know, 10 seasons? Brett Michaels, the thinker? No way! I’m gonna keep using exclamation points! Exactly right. You’re not picking who you’ve fallen in love with. You’re picking who you like the most out of the 25 people ABC hand picked for you, and THEN deciding if it’s gonna be anything more than that. I just can’t believe someone as horny, drugged out, and disease infested as him was actually able to understand the reality TV dating world. Amazing. And oh yeah, he also said in the same interview that he’d “never say never” to a 3rd season. So, I guess we can expect that in the fall when Ambre gets the TV hosting gig she’s looking for out of this show, refuses to move to L.A., and gets on with her life. But I’m glad he at least picked her. I mean, a 37 year old cougar with a career, or a 25 year old stripper? And let’s not forget the 37 year old went panty-less on their final date, told him about it, then showed him Sharon Stone style. Hmmmm….tough one.

-Onto last night, where in our fantasy world of Matt and his six suitors, they are all headed to Sun Valley, Idaho for some skiing. There will be a two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Immediately, Shayne is fired up to be going skiing. Why? “I ski really well. I want to show Matt my ski skills.” And what may those be? I wonder if that has anything to do with her half naked in the snow? Or maybe her skills are completely non-sexual and what Shayne is referring to is her ability to talk openly about the Hillary vs. Obama race, and the ramifications it’ll have on our economy should either get elected President? All while wearing earmuffs, a parka, and snow boots. Who are we kidding? She’s talking about hot monkey sex in front of a snowman. Oh boy. It’s already starting.

-Matt admits to being a skiier himself having tried it in France, but hasn’t done it in the states yet. Ooooooh, big difference. Snow in France is, like, totally different than snow in the United States. I think the French snow is all cold and stuff. And has bad hygiene. And is rude. Whatever the case, immediately the snow fights break out when they get there. So much fun. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! But Debbie Downer Marshanna doesn’t want to get involved. “I look fabulous in my outfit as it is. I don’t want to mess it up.” You know what I’ve been able to catch on to these last couple episodes regarding Marshanna? I don’t know if you’ve been able to detect this, but I have. She sure has a high f***ing opinion of herself that I’m guessing 99% of people watching don’t agree with. Just an observation.

-It is revealed that Chelsea gets the first 1-on-1 date. But Matt tells everyone watching was his mission is in Sun Valley, Idaho. “My mission is to get these six women down to four and decide whose hometowns I want to visit.” Thank you for clarifying that Matt. Without that bit of knowledge, I would’ve been totally confused as to what the hell I was about to watch. So six minus two equals four. And those four you will visit their hometown? Got it. A little tough. Had to run it through a few theorems, and match it up with the Theory of Relativity, but I think I got it now. You Brits are some smart chaps, I tell ya’.

-Matt’s biggest concern with Chelsea, other than where they are going to have hot monkey sex in the dead of winter, is that he wants to see if they have more than the best friend thing going. You know, if she’ll open up more. Be a little more romantic. Show a sexual side she hasn’t really shown yet. Kinda to let him know, “Hey big boy, look at me. Come over here” kinda thing. Basically, he wants to know if this chick is a c**k tease. Plain and simple. And apparently she is. Chelsea admits public displays of affection are a pet peeve of hers. She doesn’t like holding hands. She knows it’s a weird phobia, but that she just can’t do it. She’ll lock arms with you, and let you put your hand around her waist, maybe grab her ass a few times, but, hand holding? No sir. She’s scared of that. It is at this time that I must announce I would never be able to date Chelsea. Sorry babe. Just wouldn’t work between us. I know, I know, I know. It’s tough. Be calm. But if you can’t hold my hand because you’re scared, then that’s ridiculous and lame. And I’ll go find someone who will. And who isn’t a c**k tease.

-Matt doesn’t seem bothered by this at all. “I don’t think Chelsea’s playing hard to get. I don’t think she’s not being forthcoming. I think she’s just being honest.” She is. I agree. And with that, you will leave with the biggest set of blue balls you’ve ever experienced. Have fun with that, lad. Maybe in England, that kinda stuff is encouraged. Not here in the states pal. Women like that are immediately dropped into the “friend” category. You get this, right? You should make her some tea, down a few crumpets, then send her on her way with a nice “Cheerio”, and be done with it. Only because I said so and that she’ll be available to others. Like me. Am I flip flopping now on Chelsea after I just said she should be in the friend category? Yes. But only to confuse Matt. It’s kind of like the reverse psychology I’m throwing at him. Let’s see if he falls for my master plan. Or if those meddling kids and their dog in the “Mystery Machine” van ruin everything. Where was I?

-The one thing I could do without on this snow filled Idaho date? Everyone having bright red cheeks. They all look toasted. So these two Santa Clauses finally get inside, and Matt starts trying his own psychology on Chelsea. And I can’t say I don’t fault him for it. “I think you can be romantic.” If only he had a necklace or a locket that he could swing in front her face like that one monster did to Daphne. I can’t believe I just had two Scooby Doo references in the last two paragraphs. Whatever the case, his mind screwing is working. Chelsea: “I have a shy side, I have a vulnerable side, but I do have a romantic side. I’ll embrace it.” Wow. That sh** works? Really? All I have to do is tell some chick over and over again what I want her to do and then she’ll eventually convince herself to do it? Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier? I totally would’ve untied her. Moving on….

-Too many mind games going on during this date. Now Chelsea wants to spend more time with Matt, but rather than waiting until possibly getting to the final three for the fantasy suite, she decides to create her own. So with the help of the creative ABC writing team, and the geniuses behind those crafty fantasy suite invitations from Host Chris, Chelsea decides to make her own telling Matt she’d like to go back to his place tonight and spend some more time with him. If you looked closely enough at the card, you could see at the bottom, it ended with “And let’s have hot monkey sex”. Ok, it didn’t. But it did say, “I’d like to get to know you in other ways.” Which of course translated means: “Let’s have hot monkey sex.” Chelsea isn’t fooling anyone here. Maybe she thought since she pulled a fast one and was creating her own fantasy date, the cameras wouldn’t follow her. Uhhhh, not quite honey. Those cameras are everywhere. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t get to edit you to their liking.

-Up next is the group date with Marshanna, Robin the Hated One, Meeper the Roadrunner, and Shayne, who I gotta say is growing on me. And by that I mean, my pants start growing when I see her. I know. Totally inappropriate. Don’t mind me. I’m in a weird mood tonight. And by weird, I mean horny. Anyway, at least I’m not alone. Matt is obviously looking to snog someone in the mountains. Matt: “Today I’m dating four women….two of which are virgins….on the snow.” Tell me that guy wasn’t completely giddy when he said that? So funny, Matt. You should try stand up. Totally had me fooled on that. I really thought you were talking about them being virgins in the sexual way, then you sprung on me with that great comedic timing of yours, that you were talking about being novices when it comes to skiing. So clever.

-Matt’s horniness is getting worse as the day is long. He told the Meeper she had a sexy ass. And not to worry about poles….except his. Or something like that. Ms. Meep was completely sold on him: “It was so great how Matt was teaching me….awwww…..he’ll be such a good dad.” What?!! Because he was teaching you how to not fall down that makes him a good dad? How about when I help the old lady with the groceries cross the street? Does that mean I’ll be a good husband? Yes it does. There. I answered my own question. But Matt helping you ski doesn’t mean he won’t teach your child to become a bumbling horny Brit when he grows up. You might need to rethink that one Roadrunner.

-Here’s a shocker: Marshanna’s a terrible skiier. I never would’ve guessed it. I thought black people loved the cold. And ice sports. Hmmmm. Weird. And because she was terrible, and kept falling down, and Matt had to keep looking at her so pathetically, Marshanna is disappointed that she didn’t get any quality 1-on-1 time with Matt. No, you didn’t. But that’s probably a good thing. You know why? Because I didn’t really want to see quality Matt/Marshanna smoochie smooch time. Might’ve made me heave up my dinner. And lunch.

-Shaynes turn to show Matt her snowboarding “skills”. He’s impressed since he can’t snowboard. So what does Shayne do? Falls down on purpose so he’ll help her with her tongue, which seems to have mysteriously landed in his mouth. And boy did it look cold out there. I was afraid these twos mouths might’ve stuck together like the kid in a “Christmas Story” who got stuck to the flagpole. You know that kid ended up getting into porn, don’t you? Scott Schwartz was his name. Maybe the whole flagpole thing traumatized him for life. Whatever the case, his career went nowhere after that movie. As did pretty much everyone else’s. Which is weird considering it’s the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Hands down, bar none, not even close. “Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!” Back to 2008, Matt is still horny. “Shayne is like my little snow monkey today.” He said monkey, which means he was thinking hot monkey sex. Or I was. One of the two. And oh yeah, Shayne brought her blush brush and eyeliner in her jacket pockets for skiing. High maintenance much? Hey, at least she admits it. And yes, they’re still growing.

-Robin decides to piss Shayne off again by butting into her makeout session with Matt. This will make her even more well liked in the house. Since Noelle gets the last 1-on-1, Robin is the only girl remaining who never had a 1-on-1 with Matt, which basically means, ummmm, well, you can probably figure it out. But she wants to know why he never selected her for one. Matt tap danced around the question about as well as Fred Astaire. Said something about how even though they’ve never had an official one, they’ve always managed to sneak off for some alone time so in his eyes, that was good enough. Translation: Sweetie, I didn’t want to give you a 1-on-1 date because you would’ve wasted my time. Your troll-like features are frightening me too. And so does your underbite. Cheerio!

-Time for Noelle’s 1-on-1 date on an ice skating rink that, I must say, was rather boring. The only thing to come out of this date was we find out that both Matt and Noelle have scars on their faces from previous accidents. Matt doesn’t talk about his or where his scar is. I can’t see it either which bothered the hell out of me. Noelle didn’t show her scar, but we were told it was from a car crash she was in. So then the conversation took the obvious turn of, “Life’s too short, appreciate what you have, I’m grateful and thankful – now let’s kiss”. And they did. This date was actually eerily similar to the one that Firestone had with the chick who told him that Olive Garden was her favorite restaurant. Completely forgot her name, but she looked like a mouse. I think. Now I’m getting confused. Anyway, I was hoping and praying that Noelle would bust out with “I totally love eating at Macaroni Grill. That’s like my most favorite Italian place”. I would’ve married Noelle if she broke that out in conversation.

-Now since Noelle’s date was pretty uneventful, it’s time for ABC billed as the most “dramatic confrontation in Bachelor history”. And if there’s something dramatic going on with the girls, you knew that Marshanna and her clapping was gonna be behind it. I was fully expecting the finger wag, but no, Marshanna went with the two handed clap, which might’ve been the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen a woman do during an argument. Well, other than open her mouth. Marshanna feels Chelsea’s attacking her character when she says that Marshanna is so negative about being there. This turns Marshanna into screaming black woman: “You will not misquote me Chelsea!!!…I never said that….(clapping )….Walk off!!! Walk off!!!! Walk off!!! Walk off!!!!…(clapping)….If you’re not ready to deal with it, then don’t bring it up!!!…(clapping )….” Repeat that about ten times with the voice getting louder and louder, and that’s how Marshanna argues. Needless to say, it wasn’t very effective. There isn’t anything more annoying than people who think they can win an argument by raising their voice the most. Idiots.

-Marshanna the Narcissist has officially kicked in. “The girls bringing up I’m a negative person is a shock to me. I’m a great person. I’m nice, I’m friendly, I’m loving, I’m so giving, I’m thoughtful, I’m charitable (are you done yet?). I’m a great person and no one can convince me otherwise.” And why would anyone want to? Clearly, you are the queen of all arguments, so no one would be stupid enough to get in there and trade with you. Especially someone who comes into the argument looking to make a point by using logic. That seems like it would kind of just get thrown out the window when it comes to you. Why would you ever want to debate with someone looking to make sense when all you like to do is yell, clap, probably stomp your feet, and repeat the same inane statement over and over. Walk off? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before. I thought it was “Step off, bitch!” Maybe I’m out of the loop now. Anyway, Marshanna came off looking horrible last night, through no fault of her own.

-Back to the boring date that is Noelle and Matts. He asks her if she could ultimately be in London or California. Noelle lies and says, “As crazy as it would be – yes.” You know how I know she lied? Because the next thing she tells us is Matt would only be the 2nd guy she’s ever taken to meet her parents. So this girl who obviously hasn’t had too many relationships in her life, is now confident enough to tell her parents that the guy she met on TV, she’s going to move to London for? Uh huh. Sure she is. What is she going to do about her photography and acting career? Then their conversation turns dirty. Noelle: “I consider you trouble. Trouble is someone who has the ability to get in.” Gulp. Hot monkey sex anyone?

-On their final attempts to win Matt over before he sends the two most obvious people home, Marshanna lays it all out there. She told Matt about her one sided screaming match with Chelsea the night previous. Matt: “I’m really impressed by you.” I guess Matt decided taking the PC route would be much better than feeling the wrath of Marshanna the Screaming Clapping Idiot. I don’t understand what the clapping accomplishes. It’s not like she was talking to a 3 year old trying to get their attention. I think its safe to say that if any woman ever clapped at me during an argument, we’d be done about two seconds after that. No clapping please. And no clap. That wouldn’t be good. Good thing Chelsea came in and stole Matt away. Marshanna didn’t like that: “We didn’t get a chance to kiss. I love the way Matt kisses.” Well, we don’t like watching you two kiss. If that’s what you want to call it. I’d call it more of Marshannas lips raping Matt’s fish mouth.

-So not like Chelsea was in any sort of trouble about getting sent home, but she figured she’d just stick it to Marshanna one last time. Matt tells her, “I like holding hands….I want to know you can deal with that.” I’m not sure if she even gave an answer to that question, I just know they started making out. I think he’s gotten over the whole holding hands thing. I know he likes to do it, but c’mon buddie. As long as she’s an acrobat in the sack, are you really concerned with whether or not you can grab her hand on a ferris wheel? Or that you walk into “Made of Honor” looking like two 8th graders? Please. Get your priorities straight, chap. Because I certainly do.

-Robin gets one last shot and pretty much wasn’t able to take the hint. “I want Matt to kiss me tonight….and I get what I want.” So they’re sitting there, and she tells him, “I want you to meet my family.” Did you notice he never addressed that? He responded with something to the effect of, “Your family really tells a lot about a person blah blah blah…” If he wanted to meet her family, he would’ve given some hint of “Yeah, that’d be great. Never been to Michigan before. Would love to see if the rest of your family are trolls just like yourself.” But no, he didn’t. He just went with the generic “Family is important” stuff. And that’s never a good thing. Especially when Robin still hadn’t had a 1-on-1. Please. One of the more obvious rose ceremonies they’ve ever had.

-Rose Ceremony begins, and for the first time this season, Matt has diarrhea of the mouth. Good God, he wouldn’t shutup. “Thank you for the time in Sun Valley….fun time getting to know you….tugged at my heart….family is important….I’ll be honored and privileged……Now, walk off Marshanna!!!!”

Shayne: She was happy he picked her first. I don’t know what meaning that had other than maybe….forget it. It was going to be perverted and you’ve had enough of that this week.

Noelle: Process of elimination.

Chelsea: What if he’s holding her hands while he’s proposing to her? Would that make her say no?

Host Chris says this is the final rose tonight. So Matt, “whenever you’re ready. Even though you probably knew you’d be going to see the Meepers family a week ago.”

Meeper: Maybe I’m just dumb, but when she made the comment about her family living in a double wide trailer, was she kidding? Guess we’ll find out next week.

-Marshanna wasn’t as dramatic as I thought she’d be when she left. “Before the last rose was given out, I was thinking, ‘Call my name! Call my name!'” Hey, wasn’t that a Destiny’s Child song? Marshanna continues to talk about what a catch she is. “I’m still 100% the lady I was when I arrived. I’m still fabulous.” You know what was fabulous? You finally getting your ass booted from this show. Good riddance. And quit telling us how fabulous you are. Tina Fabulous is getting jealous.

-Robin looked like she was going to stab Matt in the heart with a ballpoint pen. Geez, she wasn’t too thrilled. She walked up to him and said “Bon soir.” Which if I have my translator working correctly meant, “Us trolls having feelings too, you know.” Matt didn’t seem to care. She left in a pouty bitter way which is what we all expected. And I’m sure she’ll be an even bigger ball of sunshine once the “Women Tell All” rolls around. I’m sure she will have gotten over it by then since she’s so level headed.

-Hometown dates next week and we catch a glimpse of what to expect from the four girls families:

Shayne – Four words: LORENZO IN THE HOUSE!!!! I could only hope that he and Olivia Newton John re-create their magic from the scene at the malt shop.

Chelsea – Her dad wants her to open up and not be afraid. Shocker. Which would be another thing letting Matt do to her that might help her chances. Let’s move on.

Noelle – Her father is very conservative and questions meeting someone on a TV show. Always one of those jaded parents every season. When are they going to learn? Don’t they realize how successful this show has been producing such long term relationships?

Meeper – Ummmmm, I’m about as excited for this hometown date as I’ve ever been. Last season, that one chicks lunatic mom was forcing her daughter down Brad’s throat. Meepers mom? Well, looks like she wants him all to herself as she rubs her hand on his chest and feels his nipples. You think Amanda catching a glimpse of that might throw her into hours of stress induced hiccupping? I can’t wait. Until next week….

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