The Bachelor 12 - Matt

The Bachelor Recap – 4/21/08

Just so you know, this column was done yesterday morning at 8:00am. I have no idea why Blogger wouldn’t let me upload it on my page until now. And I have no idea what it’s going to do next week. So let’s enjoy this while we can, finish out this season, then by next season, I’m dumping Blogger and the website will be better than it was before. Thanks for your patience. We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed and hope this doesn’t happen again next week. Enjoy the column.

-You’d probably expect me to start out this column with a quick summary of the “Rock of Love” reunion show. And you’d be right. Just know that I was extremely disappointed because if there is a reunion show edited more than the “Women Tell All”, it’s this one. It was almost nauseating how many things were cut off in that show. It almost seems like the unedited version would’ve been much more entertaining to watch. The only interesting thing that happened on the reunion was Heather and Daisys beatdown, and we saw that in the previews the previous week. And oh yeah, Brett telling us he slept with Daisy the night before he eliminated her. Awesome. There’s two ways to look at that. Either he really hadn’t made up his mind who to choose and wanted to see if laying pipe to her would help make his decision easier, or, he did what 99% of guys in America would do. I’m guessing it was the latter. The guy knew he could get laid, so he did. Not the first time it’s ever happened, and it certainly won’t be the last. And I fully expect to see a “Rock of Love 3” in the near future.

-Took Maddie to a dog park for the first time this weekend. She really seemed to like it. Very few times has she been outside and off her leash, so even though some of the other dogs freaked her out, I think she had a good time. Well, I’d say that only one of the other dogs freaked her out. How do I know this? Because on three different occasions he tried to have sex with her. Apparently Maddie was the Paris Hilton of the dog park on Sunday. I have no idea what kind of dog this was that was trying to hump dog. A horn dog I guess. Ha ha….get it? Horn dog? Trying to backdoor Maddie? I kill myself sometimes. All I know was his name was “Baxter”, since his owner couldn’t stop yelling his name every time got up on his hind legs and started thrusting. Hey Baxter, quit trying to screw my dog. She’s very much a prude and not into you. She ain’t giving it up to your horny ass. Maddie’s fixed, so I don’t have anything to worry about in that area, but, it was still embarrassing to watch. Control your dog, sir. Seeing how bothered I got when Baxter the sex fiend even approached Maddie, I can’t wait til I have a daughter. I’m sure I’ll be doing background checks on every guy she’s interested in.

-On a side note, I just want to mention that yesterday around 3:00, the power went out in my apartment. Figured it was just temporary and would come back on, but when it didn’t after two hours, I called the electric company and they told me a power circuit was accidentally cut and that they couldn’t fix it until after 2:00 today. Gee thanks. So not only did Maddie and I have to pack up and stay at my dad’s last night, I also ended up having to watch the “Bachelor” at work, type it this morning at his house, and I missed all my shows last night since my dad has yet to join us in the 21st century and get a DVR or VCR. So I missed “The Hills”. Not like there was much to miss. I’ll just wait til “US Weekly” arrives and read about what’s going on in their lives right now since the show is about 2 months behind. But I’m livid that I missed the return of “Gossip Girl”. Especially considering they’re not streaming these last 5 episodes online. So unless someone puts the whole thing up on YouTube, I’m sh** out of luck. Or a nice summary would be good. Whew. Ok, lets get on to last nights disappointment.

-Last week in the previews, we got to see Meepers “mother” hitting on Matt by sitting close to him and rubbing his chest. Well, when the show started and they teased what was coming up, they took it a step further, and they showed her kissing him and telling him how good he smelled. At that point, I hope all of you realized it was going to be a fake. I don’t care how drunk any mother got, there’s no way that the first time her daughter brings a guy home, any mother would do that. I still really don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I understand it was a prank, but, considering we never heard her real parents even speak and have no idea if her parents got along with Matt, I wonder if it was all worth it. I do know one thing: Matt’s an idiot for actually thinking that was real. If the woman actress wasn’t so completely over-the-top, I can maybe see where he could’ve fallen for it. But since she acted like a drunken floozy, I couldn’t believe he took her seriously.

-For the first hometown date, Matt took a limo down the hill from Hollywood and met Shayne’s parents in L.A. Had to meet daddy Lorenzo and mommy whatever separately because they don’t live together anymore. They’re divorced. Seems that Lorenzo has commitment issues considering that’s happened to him four times. Well, it’s either a commitment issue or he’s just no different than any other Hollywood actor who takes pride in being a fountain of sperm for numerous other women. Good example for your daughter, Lorenzo. I think the question of the night after seeing both of Shayne’s parents was, “Who’s had more work done to their face?” Lorenzo definitely is drinking from the fountain of youth every morning, and Shayne’s mom looks like a bloated Dina Lohan. And I’m sorry, but the lifestyle that Shayne has led up to this point, and the example set forth by her parents, are we honestly supposed to believe she’s ready to settle down and get married at 22? Please. Lorenzo tells us last night he got married at 21, and that was too young. Ummmm, ok. So if your daughter gets hitched at 22, it wouldn’t be? Made no sense.

-Matt has trouble pronouncing Lorenzo’s last name before he showed up. Kept calling him “Mr. La-MAHZ”. No, you idiot. It’s “Lamas”. Go rent “Grease” you stupid Brit. Or watch an American television show once every blue moon. Hell, Matt claims to had never even seen the “Bachelor” before coming on it. Whatever. I was just in awe of Lorenzo appearing on camera for the first time since, well, ever. What in the world did he have around his belt? He had like nine things latched on to him? Is that so his body doesn’t fall apart from all the construction work he’s had done? Immediately, Lorenzo gets to the nuts and bolts of Shayne being on the show. Lo’: “The idea of being on TV is what was important to Shayne….she wants to be an actress, but she also wants to be a star.” Uhhh, ok. Couldn’t have said it better myself. This didn’t make Shayne happy that dad let the cat out of the bag. Of course she denied it until she was blue in the face saying that she was here for Matt and only Matt. This man. The Brit. Whom I have nothing in common with other than we’re both appearing on a reality dating show together. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a 180 on Shayne since the show started. I like her way better than I did when the season first started. There’s just no way you’ll convince me she’s ready to get married right now, and to Matt of all people. Not a chance.

-Time for daddy Lo and Matt to sit down and have a little pow-wow. It was at this point, I thought Lorenzo would break out the resume and start quizzing Matt on his “Falcon Quest” days, and whether or not Sandy should’ve chosen him over Danny Zucko the Scientologist. But he didn’t. They had more important matters to attend to. And that was whether or not Matt was boning his daughter. Lorenzo: “Don’t toy with Shayne’s feelings.” Matt said that’s totally not the case. And chose his words so very carefully. “I wouldn’t screw around with her emotions.” Very eloquent Matt. I’m sure you scored points with Mr. Lamaze Class. All in all, it was pretty uneventful with Lorenzo, Matt, and Shayne. She tried to convince Matt and her dad she was there for the right reasons, Matt acted like he believed it, and Lorenzo got some face time for what I’m sure is some sort of reality show that he’ll eventually end up pitching to the networks.

(Speaking of pitching reality shows, I’m sure you all have heard by now that Heidi and Spencer want their own spin off of the “Hills” where it would follow them as they plan their wedding. And then in subsequent seasons would follow them during their time of marital bliss. Of course, everyone and their mother is tired of these two and just wants to see them go away and can’t believe they’d get their own show. Well, first off, I’m here to tell you, I guarantee these two get a spin off show. I’d be shocked if they didn’t. And secondly, I think it’s a brilliant idea we should all embrace. Let me tell you why. You do realize that MTV is 3-for-3 in ruining marriages when it comes to these types of shows, don’t you? Nick and Jessica are done, Carmen and Dave never lasted, and Travis Barker and Shana Moakler pretty much ended up hating each other. So Heidi and Spencer now want their own “newlywed” type spin off? I say bring it on. It’ll guarantee these two will be off our televisions and out of our lives within a couple years).

-Time now to meet Shayne’s mom and sister. I didn’t catch either one of their names, so I’ll have to describe them for you. As I said earlier, her mom is a bigger, more tricked out version of Dina Lohan, without the horrible parenting skills. As far as we know. And her younger sister, who I’m guessing wasn’t more than 18 years old, had a some Wonder Woman type head band on. Or something you’d wear to Woodstock. I don’t know what it was other than she looked ridiculous in it. I was half expecting her to have a tye-dyed shirt on and smoking a peace pipe. By the way, Shayne’s mom must be an interior decorator in her spare time with the way she fixed her place up. Looked nice if you’re into the “Animal Kingdom” type look. She had more leopard prints in her house than the San Diego Zoo. And she’s also one of those moms that dresses up her dogs. They had a dog named Madison she put in a pink tutu. That’s just disgusting. I know I’m just only a month into owning a dog, but dressing up Maddie has never crossed my mind and never will. Must be a chick thing. I can’t imagine any male on this planet with a set of testicles actually is the one who thinks up the idea to dress their dog. Gotta be a chick thing.

-Dinner time. The bloated Dina Lohan whips up some roast beef with Yorkshire pudding to make Matt feel at home. Or constipated. Actually, I shouldn’t say that since I’ve never tried it. It just looked like it could be used as a laxative. The whole time at the dinner table, all I could focus on was Bloated Lohan’s horrible lip stick job she had going on. That’s a good look for you? Really? Says who, the Joker? Crazy moms never cease to amaze me. Can’t imagine why her and Lorenzo couldn’t make things work out. Seem so normal and down-to-earth. Neither of them comes across as having a very high opinion of themselves at all. Two completely grounded parents that raised their kids the right way. Oh, did I mention in the next scene, Momma Lohan takes Matt into the back room, breaks out the video from when Shayne was in a dancing recital, and tells Matt he’ll never find anyone better than that? Yeah, it happened. Who did Matt say earlier this year was a couple sandwiches short of a picnic? Shayne? Hmmmm….Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree in that family. And in case you missed it, Matt called Shayne his little monkey. Did these two watch “Rock of Love” together. Please don’t tell me that’s some sort of term of endearment for the Brits. My little monkey? I personally think it can only mean one thing? They have hot monkey sex together.

-I loved Shayne’s younger sister, still in her teens by the way, giving Shayne relationship advice. “Are you in love with him? Just be honest with yourself. You don’t want to end up getting hurt.” What? This pip squeak who probably just had her first period last week is now handing out relationship advice? I’m sure Shayne will take that to heart. Go put your underoos back on and play with Strawberry Shortcake. Shayne has a man to service. Back downstairs, Momma Lohan is grilling Matt on what it would be like to be the husband of a Hollywood starlet. Or D-list actress which is what Shayne is probably going to end up as. “Are you going to be able to handle it when you accompany Shayne to a movie premiere and she’s kissing another man onscreen?” Ummmm, the answer to that would be “no” since Shayne won’t be doing any red carpet movie premieres in my lifetime or yours. And the only kissing she’ll being onscreen is with other women and the pizza guy in something titled “Hot Slice of Ass”.

-Next up was Chelsea’s hometown date in Durango, Colorado. I’d really like to talk about what happened – if anything did. Considering they gave Shayne and her hometown date two segments, I had a feeling one girl was gonna get short changed tonight. And that was Chelsea. I honestly think her hometown date may have lasted five minutes total. We basically saw nothing other than her mom, her dad, dinner, and two conversations. So that could mean either one of two things: Either Chelsea’s safe for the finals so they don’t need to show us all that much, or, she was going home tonight so why bother with a bunch of meaningless footage? And since we all know the answer to that question now, it’s safe to say, “America voted….and Chelsea….you are safe. Go have a seat on the couch next to Jason Castro’s unwashed dreadlocks. And Syesha’s afro puffs.”

-At dinner, Chelsea is explaining to her parents how her and Matt are just so much alike and they get each other. “I noticed his sarcastic sense of humor….I just don’t get his jokes sometimes because I don’t speak British.” Wow. Maybe Chelsea’s the one who’s a couple sandwiches short of a picnic? Or is about a sharp as a beach ball. Or isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Or not playing a with a full deck. Ok, I can’t think of any more. This hometown date was really boring. I really mean it when I say nothing happened. There was no controversy, no actors hired as parents, no nosy questions by siblings – nothing. Just the same ol’ “I’m afraid of opening up and possibly getting hurt” b.s. that Chelsea has been saying since day one. No surprise there. However, at the end of the night, Matt tells us “I realized what a great couple Chelsea and I could make”. Based on what? I couldn’t tell anything from that hometown nonsense. Maybe Matt and Chelsea pulled a Brett and Daisy, and we just don’t know about it.

-Next up, Matt gets on his bike and rides on over to Loveland, Colorado for his date with Noelle. I’m kidding. I have no idea how close Durango is to Loveland. Could be 10 minutes, could be 5 hours. No clue. All I know is Matt did some good, bold face lying on this date. Especially after hearing one of the first things he had to say coming into this date. “I know Shayne, Amanda, and Chelsea better than I know Noelle.” You could say that again. I’m surprised you even knew Noelle’s name considering the little amount of face time she’s received this season. But Noelle tries her best to make him forget that by coming up with this beauty. “You have all the sides I don’t really have. That means we compliment each other.” I think that was her way of saying, “Look, we’ve barely spoken in the time we’ve been in the house, you and I really aren’t all that compatible, and I’d be shocked if you even knew my name, but, let’s just start making out to pretend we like each other.” Yeah, that didn’t work so much. This date seemed all very forced to me.It was almost like she had to justify making the final four which she pretty much did. One of the more surprising girls who ever made the final four. I think in the first episode I’d predicted she’d go far, but, as weeks passed and we saw her less and less, made it even more suprising she got this far.

-This was also a big step for Noelle since she’s a prude….errr…..only allowed one other guy besides Matt to ever meet her parents. And she’s 26. That’s saying a lot. 26 years old and only one other guy has met her parents? Is Noelle a hermit? Does she ever date? Tell you what Noelle. How about I come to Loveland, Colorado and you let your parents meet me. If it wasn’t bizarre enough that you brought some limey home from a TV show, just wait til your conservative dad meets the guy you met on the computer. He’ll love me. All parents do. Although, I can’t ride a horse. I could probably learn, just never have. But if you want to go bareback on one, be my guest. Nobodys stopping you. Didn’t Bo Derek do that back in the day when she was hot? Now she looks like a leather jacket you laid out in the sun for a week. I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore.

-So the family and Matt sit outside to eat dinner which I’m sure consisted of deer skin, a couple rabbits, and some beaver pelts. Sounds yummy. Matt and Noelle’s dad get up from the dinner bench to go play a riveting game of horseshoes. As much as I like Noelle, I think her family might bore me to tears. Horseshoes? I tell you what Noelle, how about you and I just move away to like Hawaii or something, make a bunch of babies, and we’ll send pictures to your family? Sound fair? I think visiting them once every five to ten years would be sufficient enough. The thought of riding horses, playing pin the tail on the possum, and living like we’re in the Old West doesn’t appeal to me that much.

-So someone from Noelle’s family asks, “When you do marry, do you plan to live in England?” To them, living in England must seem like living in 2008. They must be ecstatic for their daughter, you know, if she were to get picked. “Do they have like computers and TV’s and running water in England?” Yeah pops, they do. And electricity to boot. Now go get your pan and keep mining for gold. “Someday, we goin’ be rich.” (Say that in your best prospectors voice. I did. It’s much funnier that way). When Matt was asked the question about living in England, I thought he gave a rather odd, and perverted, answer. “I don’t have to. I can live anywhere actually. I’m flexible. I can get my legs over my head as well.” Huh? Did you really need to throw that analogy in. Noelle’s dad can barely tolerate the fact his daughter is growing woman. Now you’re planting in his head that his daughter has sex outside of the missionary position? Oh lord. I’m surprised he didn’t keel over and die.

-Now its time for Noelle’s sisters to corner Matt and be nosy. They ask him if he’s falling for more than one girl. He answers honestly by saying yes. “Is our sister one of those girls?” Matt: “I’m bizarrely falling in love with more than one person. Noelle is one of those people.” Lie. No, he’s not. He said before the date he barely knows her. Now he’s falling in love with her? Bascially, if he answers that question, “No, your sister isn’t one of the ones I’m falling in love with”, then we know who’s going home that rose ceremony. Not that we didn’t already, but that would’ve been an even bigger giveaway. But the main reason why we knew this wasn’t going anywhere was because Noelle doesn’t open up enough. Or by her own words, “I have a hard time letting people in.” Hee hee….she said “letting people in.” She was talking about emotionally and making herself vulnerable and all that gushy stuff. I took it as a sex act because I’m a guy and that’s the way my brain functions 90% of the time. Ok, 99%. Noelle, how about you let me in and I won’t tell anyone else? Deal?

-Time now for the Meepers bizarre date. As I said earlier, I understand she was doing this as a prank. I guess my question is “Why?” Pranks are lighting a bag of dog crap on fire and ringing someone’s door bell. Pranks are toilet papering someone’s house. Do kids still do that nowadays? That was like the big thing in grammar school to toilet paper the hot girls house so she hated you even more. Either Matt’s gonna choose Meepers at the end and we’re all gonna look stupid for saying “I can’t believe she hired actors as her parents”, or this is going to completely backfire on her. I’m all for pranks, don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t understand the logic behind “testing” Matt with a fake, drunk, horny mom who hits on him. What exactly was she testing? To see if Matt would reciprocate and start feeling her “mom” up? Maybe her parents are real camera shy and wanted no part of talking on camera – which they were very good at.

-There really isn’t much to say about this hometown date because it was all fake. So I can’t comment on her “mom” rubbing Matt’s nipples since it wasn’t real. I can’t comment on her “mom” fake laughing uncontrollably at everything Matt said because it wasn’t real. The only thing to debate here is whether or not you thought it was a good idea. I’d like to hear your input. So feel free to leave comments on the page on whether or not: A) you thought that was a good prank, and B) if it was something you personally ever would’ve thought of doing with a boyfriend/girlfriend. I’d be interested to know people’s opinions on this. Personally, I thought it was dumb. I guess it would’ve been funnier if we didn’t know beforehand they were actors, saw it play out, and THEN Meepers told us it was a joke. But when we knew from the beginning it was all staged, it kinda lost its luster. And just the motivation behind the prank was dumb. There’s got to be a reason other than wanting to play a prank as to why Meepers chose to do this. This show has been on 15 seasons now with twelve bachelors and three bachelorettes. That’s the first time anybody made a joke out of their hometown date. She must be hiding something.

-Time for the rose ceremony. Matt has diarrhea of the mouth again. “I didn’t sleep a wink….this has been very difficult for me….amazing families….including your fake mom with the giant cans, Meepers….I’m humbled and privileged….thank each one of you for an amazing time so far…and Noelle, tell your pops I found this chunk of gold down by the river.”

-Of course Matt loved every minute of it. So he says. “That’s the best prank I’ve ever had done on me.” Is anyone beginning to question how Meepers even went about doing this? When exactly did she tell the producers, “Hey, for my hometown date, can you go hire a couple actors for me to play my parents. I think this’ll be a hoot. Matt will love it.” I guess if it makes for entertaining television, then ABC is all for it. But after 14 previous seasons of serious hometown dates, this one was completely out of left field. Maybe her family does actually live in a trailer and she was embarrassed. Kind of the same dilemma Andie felt when she tried to date Blaine. He was Mr. Richy Rich and she lived in a dump. I think one of my favorite lines in that movie was Blaine saying, “Hey, you wanna go home and change.” Andie: “I already did.” Ouch. As a guy, how do you recover from a comment like that. How’d she even still go out with him after that? Basically he just told her she looked ugly. That’s like asking a larger woman when her baby is due and she’s not even pregnant. You might as well just tuck your head between your legs and walk away after saying something like that. Probably isn’t a worse feeling in the world.

Shayne: Mr. Lamaze must be proud of his little girl. Now she’s got at least 7 episodes of TV credit she can add to her resume.

Amanda: Pranks are fun. Especially when MILF’s are rubbing your nipples and kissing up on you.

A little subdued Host Chris tonight. This time he takes a deep breath before uttering, “Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight.” What’s wrong Host Chris? Job stressing you out? You must be tired from all the work you did this week? It’s ok. Here’s a tissue. Go cry over in the corner.

Chelsea: The shortest hometown date ever and she gets a rose. I think that might be saying something.

-Considering it was pretty obvious who was going home, I wasn’t surprised to see Noelle not even shed a tear. “I’d say it was partially my fault. I’ll take some of the blame on this one for not opening up sooner. I should’ve let him in.” There she goes again with her sexual innuendos. Or maybe it’s just me. Whatever the case, Noelle sounded like the least disappointed girl ever eliminated in the final four. Which sucked. The only good thing to come out of this? I got Noelle’s photography website and I can now stalk her. Yippee. So if you see me on the news as “pervert tracks down reality TV contestant who gets eliminated”, be sure to tell a friend. I’m kidding. I won’t stalk Noelle. I might email her a few hundred times. But I won’t stalk her.

-So the overnight dates are in Barbados. According to Host Chris, “Shayne and Matt get sexy.” Are they bringing sexy back? “Amanda puts her heart on the line.” Does she fake kiss him and fake cry with him and fake telling him that she loves him? “And is the pressure finally getting to Chelsea”. Well, with that lead-in, I’m guessing Chelsea is safe for next week. They’re not gonna give it away in the previews. The one thing I was shocked about was them teasing the finale and them showing Matt on one knee with a ring. “Matt proposes to the love of his life.” Really? He’s gonna propose? Or is this a friendship ring? Or a “Hey, let’s make this look good for TV, we’ll try and keep dating, but when it fails, just know we made it look good for the viewing audience.” I’m shocked they haven’t been promoting this all season if that’s what really ends up happening. They did when Andy proposed to Tessa. We heard that from the first episode that we’d have a fairy tale ending. Of course, that lasted around five minutes when Tessa realized what a P.R. hound Andy is and that he liked chasing older skirt like Marla Maples. Weird.

-I’m off to California again this weekend for mom’s 60th birthday. Should be fun. We rented out Banquet Hall, hired a band and everything. Good times. I’m 1000% percent certain at some point during the night, my mom will bust out her tamborine and start playing it even though she has no formal training whatsoever. Happy 60th Mom. Until next week…..

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