Yes, we have finally decided to get a divorce from Blogger. They were giving me too much of a hassle over these last couple weeks, so I’ve decided to go with Word Press. Obviously, I wanted to get the column up as quick as possible, so I didn’t have time to mess around with the settings or create the page how I wanted it to look. So bear with me on the comments section, I don’t think it works right now. And as for the archive section, that’s gonna take a while to upload everything, but I’ll work on it once this season is over. By the time Deannas Bachelorette season rolls around, I should have this all figured out. Until then, just know the column will be back up Tuesday mornings for the rest of this season (all 2 episodes of it), as usual. All I do know is I’m done with Blogger. F*** you, Blogger. Good riddance. Enjoy the column.
-Never will I ever give Time Warner Cable credit for being clever about anything, but last night, maybe they should get a little pub. If you recorded the “Bachelor” on Tivo, the episode description they gave was lame and generic. Like it is every week. Yet somehow, Time Warner Cable has hired somebody with half a brain to write their episode descriptions. Could I have done better? Please. I was born to write stuff like that. But for a novice, I think that intern did OK last night. Here is, word for word, the episode description for last nights “Bachelor” on Time Warner Cable:
“Matt accompanies Amanda, Chelsea, and Shayne to Barbados for outdoor adventures and (he hopes) overnight romance in his “fantasy suite.” The outdoor part (jet skiing, zip lining, and swimming with turtles) is exhilarating.”
Not bad. He hopes? No, he knows there will overnight romance. And hot, monkey sex if he’s lucky. Was the jet skiing and turtle swimming and zip lining really “exhilarating”? Something tells me intern boy was trying to show a little sarcasm there. Because those dates were quite boring for a “fantasy” date. Barbados was cool. But I wouldn’t call anything they did overly exciting or original. We’ve seen better, ABC. C’mon. Can we at least get them swimming with dolphins and not turtles? Turtles? They’re dumb. And ugly. There, I said it. Burn on them.
-Shayne’s date is up first as she and Matt are gonna go jet skiing. So immediately they get into their bathing suits, and apparently Shayne stole her niece’s onesie to wear into the water. What the hell was that? Not a good look. Especially when she doesn’t particularly have the body to fill one of those out. But since neither of them cared what I thought, before splashing around in the water, they decided to jump on trampolines. Usually a rockin’ good time. But it was definitely enhanced with Shayne in her bikini since she decided that while in the air, it’d be a good idea to do the splits, giving Matt a wonderful view of her nether regions. I think he even commented on it. Went something like this, “Waaaaaaâ€¦.oooohhhhâ€¦.ugggghhhhâ€¦..yummmmmmmmy.” Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Keep your pants on buddy, this thing’s just getting started. There are few combos you can never go wrong with in this world, and one of them is girls and trampolines. Is there anything negative about that? Didn’t think so.
-At dinner, Matt asks the question I think all of us have about Shayne: How much is a blonde act and how much is intelligence? Shayne’s response: “I love being blonde. I’ve been blonde since I was 12. As far as politics, I’m smart. I know what’s going on in the world.” Hmmmm, considering she didn’t give us any evidence to back up this statement, I’ll withhold judgment on that one. Quick Shayne, who’s on the cover of “Time” magazine this week? No, it’s not Angelina Jolie. That’s “OK!” magazine. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing Shayne would be able to tell me absolutely nothing about the current presidential race. Or about the education problem in the U.S. Or anything that doesn’t appear in “US Weekly” or MTV. That’s ok Shayne. Being smart isn’t all its cracked up to be. I’m a genius, and look where it’s gotten me.
-So once Matt decided that Shayne had the brain of an acorn, they started talking about more important things. Like kissing. Matt brought up the conversation he had with Shayne’s mom about being married to a celebrity and having to deal with them kissing another man onscreen. First off Matt, you’re not marrying Shayne. Secondly, she’s far from what I’d consider a “celebrity”. So no need to worry there. Even Shayne agrees that that’s totally overrated. “Kissing somebody onscreen is anything but romantic.” She explains how everything is scripted and that no tongue is ever involved. Huh? Yeah maybe in the last “Saved by the Bell” episode you saw. Not in the movies, sweetcakes. I’ve seen “Basic Instinct”. There was more tongue in that movie than you’d see in a delicatessen. And that’s just the first movie that came to mind. I don’t know what acting school Shayne’s attending, but she’s getting ripped off. Kissing has no tongue onscreen? Uhhh, ok. I think Brett Michaels and every “Bachelor” would disagree.
-It is now that time. That time in the “Bachelor” season where the final three women, because they’re on an overnight fantasy date in an exotic location, convince themselves they’re feeling something more special for someone they just met a month ago than could possibly be the case. Shayne tells Matt she’s falling in love with him. Barf. Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too. I loveâ€¦..being with you.” Ooooohhhhh!!!! So close. Yet so far. It’s always seconds before they know they’re gonna get the fantasy suite scripted card from Host Chris that the women decided to break out the “I’m falling in love with you card”. Because as you know, what they’re really trying to say is: “At least if I tell you I’m falling in love with you, even though that’s utterly ridiculous and totally not the case – I’m just playing this love story up for the camera – it won’t make me look nearly as bad once we go back up to the room for hot, monkey sex. It’ll seem like a perfect way to cap off the night of me lying to you. I can lie about being in love, and you can lie about ever calling me again after we go make babies.”
-It’s time for the fantasy suite invitation, sponsored by Host Chris. I can see this year is no different from the last twelve – other than the location was crossed out from last year, and “Barbados” was written in. “Matt and Shayneâ€¦..welcome to the beautiful island of Barbados. If you choose to forgo your individual rooms, you can use this key to spend the night together as a couple, right here in the Villas fantasy suite. We’ve provided all the amenities necessary as the toys are in the nightstand, and the rubbers are in a shoebox under the bed.” Rubbers. That’s just funny to say. Rubbers. I can’t remember the last time I even called them that. Maybe I’ll start that trend up again to give something completely uncomfortable and awkward a lighter tone to it. How about we just call them balloons? That’s essentially what they are. Except they’re a little sturdier. Supposedly. Of course, in my case, I usually just ripâ€¦â€¦forget it.
-Here’s what I’ve decided about the overnight fantasy dates. I’ve noticed the last few seasons, the three girls all end up going to the same location for the overnight dates. In the past, wasn’t it usually each girl went to a different place? I know they did that for at least a few seasons, right? Anyway, my point being, now that all the girls are in Barbados this time, I think the same bedroom should’ve been used for all three overnights. Of course, you wouldn’t tell the women this, but it sure would be entertaining for the viewers. Matt and Shayne do their thing on the bed, Shayne gets up and leaves the next morning to check into another room, then while Matt and Amanda are on their date, housekeeping comes in, throws new rose petals on the ground, vacuums the floor, throws out the garbage, and cleans up the place to make it look like no one’s been there. Except you keep the same sheets. And Amanda gets to use a black light before hopping into bed with Matt so she can see exactly what went on. Oh wait, hotels already do that. Never mind. I would love to own a black light and take it on my next vacation with me. I think I’d be able to find living organisms swimming around in the sheets if I looked close enough.
-Next up, time for Amanda’s date. She arrives on the beach wearing an interesting combination of blue plaid shorts and green tank top, further proving that not only are her parents mute, but they dress her funny. Doesn’t bother Matt in the least bit. “You look haaaaaa!” You look what, Matt? Haaaaa? Do you people not pronounce your “t’s” over there. The correct word would be “hot”. It’s like he starts saying “hot”, then someone cuts him off. I hated his pronunciation in case you couldn’t tell. So these two start out their day by zip lining in the jungle. This is a staple for ABC anytime the overnight date is in an exotic location. Off the top of my head, I’d say we’ve at least seen zip lining 3 or 4 times on this show before. And each time it was the same thing. The girl is scared to do it, big burly Bachelor guy tells her everything will be ok, gives her a hug, and sends her on her way. And when she’s done, he’s waiting there for her to give her a big hug and say, “Wow! You did great! Nice job, honey!” Only in Matt’s case, I think he gave Amanda some sort of head butt as a sign of affection. Stupid Brits.
-Before Amanda and Matt sit down for dinner and she shows us why she got dumped, she has this important thing to say about relationships. “The sexiest part of dating someone is being able to sit and have amazing conversation.” Ummmm, it is? Uhhhh, ok. Whatever you say, Amanda. Totally with you on that one. (“Cuck-koo, Cuck-koo”). And with the fantasy suite card in play tonight, the Meeps already has this on her mind. “I wanna go to the fantasy suite, but I don’t think he does.” Hey Meeps, let me share something with you. Unless you have a third eye, or maybe the sex drive of a pencil sharpener, Matt is going to offer you the fantasy suite card. You know why? Because he’s a guy. And he has a penis. That’s why. Now whether you choose to give up the ass to him is your own decision, but judging by how flustered you were after the rose ceremony, I think we all kinda know the answer to that question. You gave it up and he dumped you, and now you feel like crap. It happens. Boys will be boys. Hey, Brett Michaels did it to Daisy and broke her poor little heart too. Don’t feel so bad. I think it’ll make you a stronger woman in the end. And not emotionally scarred at all.
-Ok, so I knew a month ago that Chelsea was one of the final two girls this season. You’re welcome for me keeping my mouth shut. So going into this episode, I was really paying attention to Shayne and Amanda’s date because I wanted to see if there was anything that stood out which would make one look better than the other. Well, Shayne did the splits in the air on a trampoline in her onesie, and Meepers opened her mouth and went on this diatribe at dinner: (Yes, I rewound the Tivo and transcribed this word for word. Pardon if the punctuation is off. This chick never took a breath it seemed like during this whole speech)
“Like, I know I have, like a major problem with, like, expressing emotions. I don’t wanna be like that, especially with you. And I don’t want you to think that it’s you, cuz it’s not (Uh ohâ€¦.it’s the “It’s not you, it’s me” line). I don’t want to lose you because I can’t open up to you, and, cuz now I feel like, I like have these emotions, I know how much I like you and like, I sit at home and am like, “Oh my God, you know, like, I’m totally falling for this guy”, but I feel like you probably don’t know that because every time I’m around you, you’re like, “Say something”, and I’m just, like, talking about something so stupid, and like I know I’m doing it, I’m like, “Amanda stop”, but likeâ€¦â€¦
Holy sh**! Yes, Amanda please stop. I’m about to put my face through a glass table. Even typing that whole speech I was getting the shakes. And you think I’m kidding? It took me a good five minutes to go back and transcribe that thing word for word. So all of you that were surprised he kept Shayne over Amanda, and maybe were totally caught off guardâ€¦.I give you Exhibit A. Wow. Has anyone in this show’s history put their foot in their mouth by something they said more than Amanda just did? I bet she cringed just watching that back. I know I did.
-After that whole debacle, Amanda tried to recover and save face by throwing in, “I feel like you’re the guy I could be with forever. I really don’t wanna see you not be in my life.” I’m guessing the damage had already been done, and this was just said to justify the sex later, but I get impression that Amanda hasn’t had many boyfriends in her life. Seems like she’s a tad naÃ¯ve and scared when it comes to dating. Just a hunch. Of course, Matt had a fantasy suite card to give out and he wasn’t about to let some incoherent babbling with 500 “likes” thrown in prevent him from getting some. And Amanda is thrilled she got the fantasy suite invitation since she questioned whether she would earlier. I mean, really thrilled. “I was really excited he pulled it out and offered it.” I bet you were, sweetie. I bet you were. And what did you do with his “offer”? Or maybe I should ask, where did you put his “offer”? I’m going to hell.
-Commercial. Wow. I think this is the first time I’ve talked about a commercial this season. Might be the last couple seasons. Why? Well, for the time first time in a while, I didn’t have to work on a Monday night, so I actually watched the show live. Normally I just skip through all commercials when I get home. And I had to mention this commercial I saw which I found fascinating – and it was like the third bra commercial that aired during this weird 52 minute episode. Why did the show start at :08 past the hour? Anyway, what’s this “Dream Angels Memory Fit Bra” by Victoria’s Secret? Sounds really high tech if you ask me. So it’s like those pillows that fit the shape of your head? So next time you put on your bra, it feels the exact same as it did when you last had it on? I’m fascinated by this. You women are so lucky to have little gadgets like these. Water bras, Miracle bras, Dream Angels brasâ€¦.I can only imagine what’s coming next. How about instead of giving women 1,500 different bras to choose from, we start paying our teachers more and build up our education system? That’s my political stance for the day. Made me sound intelligent. And like I really cared.
-Next up is Chelsea’s date which was obviously heavily edited. I think the editing with Chelsea was done on purpose to make you think he wasn’t going to pick her. They hadn’t really had any chemistry problems until what we saw on Monday. And in case you didn’t notice, her date got two segments, whereas Shayne and Amanda only got one before going to commercial. They tried to play it up like Chelsea was going home, so they took the worst footage of their date they could, spliced it up, and made it seem like they had no chemistry. Not the first time they’ve done that, and certainly won’t be the last. They obviously had chemistry or else he wouldn’t have picked her for the final two. Couldn’t fool me, ABC.
-But of course, for the first half of the date before commercial, you’d think that these two were as compatible as Marissa Jaret Winokur and a salad. Don’t ask where that came from. I just finished watching â€œDancing with the Stars” and I noticed she seems like she likes to eat. And probably not salads. Hence the reason for the metaphor. Bear with me people. Anyway, Chelsea and Matt’s date sucks so far since she’s acting like she wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole. And when he grabs her hand, she responds with, “The whole crossing the fingers thingâ€¦.that’s stupid.” Matt now tells us this is the “worst date”. Especially after he tells us, “I had the most amazing time touching the turtleâ€¦.and Chelsea wouldn’t come close to me. I had better eye contact with the turtle than I did with Chelsea.” Hey, in some countries, that’s considered foreplay. Look Matt, I know you’re struggling with Chelsea being aloof, and the dates not going like you planned (I.e.- you haven’t shoved your tongue down her throat yet), but give it time. My guess is tonight, in the fantasy suite, you’ll get a nice surprise from Chelsea. Here’s a hint: She pulls an Ambre from “Rock of Love”.
-So at dinner, I guess since Chelsea realizes she was a lump on a log earlier in the day, she might as well make it up to him. And by golly she does wearing the most cleavage revealing sundress I’ve ever seen. Thumbs up for her. But of course, Matt throws a wet blanket on the cleavage party she’s throwing by bringing up what happened earlier. Booooooooooo. “If there was a Bachelor for the best friend, you would’ve won.” Ouch. That probably didn’t feel too good. And probably played a role in her strip tease later on in the evening. “Oh yeah. Best friend, huh? I’ll show him. Cameraman, follow me into my bedroom as I slowly strip down into nothing but a black dress. And make sure you catch me as I’m slowly taking off my boy shorts and throwing them on the ground too.” Aaaaaaannnnnnd scene! Good job Chelsea. Make-up wants you in their trailer pronto.
-Let’s cut right to the chase. Chelsea tells him she’s “very disturbed there are other girls here”, and that she just wants to “be with Matt and Matt alone.” This leads to a fantasy suite invitation, she says yes, they go upstairs, they start kissing, and she tells him to hold on because she’s got a surprise. And boy does she ever. Probably the single greatest move in “Bachelor” history during the overnight dates. She undresses for the camera so we get to see her from the back. I was hoping she’d turn around and face the camera so we could see everything. Ummmmm, no such luck. She strips out of her sundress, puts on some black see through nightdown thingy, goes pantyless, and basically invites Matt into her va-jay-jay. We have a winner, ladies and gentleman! They go off and hump while I go take a cold shower. That was hot, I’m sorry. Most women watching probably were calling her a slut, or a whore, or trashyâ€¦whatever. That’s your opinion. I think any guy watching was adjusting his shorts during that scene. We like it when are women are sexy.
-Onto the rose ceremony where Matt thought someone invited him to a beach party. Really Matt? The cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled up, Dockers, and some sandals? That’s the appropriate attire for elimination day? Some respect you have. I know you were on the beach, but I didn’t seen the ladies dressed like they were heading to the lake for the day. Very unimpressed. Just get to your rambling. “I might sound comfortable and confidentâ€¦.I’m a wreckâ€¦.losing someone closeâ€¦.hurts like hell insideâ€¦.and these Jesus cruisers I have on my feet are bothering the crap out of me.”
Shayne: I think the mid-air splits in the onesie did it for her. Did for me.
Chelsea: I think we all know what did it for her. Letting him remove her dress with his teeth. And the sex.
Even though we were able to see exactly why Amanda got sent home, apparently she wasn’t. She’s never heard herself talk before. Matt tells her that he had a closer connection with the other two. But once he started laying out all the compliments of how great she is and yada yada yada, she called him a douche bag, and ABC bleeped it out. You can’t say douche bag on television? Why not? Even if it’s true? Whatever the case, Amanda is gone, and that keeps the “Bachelors” streak intact of no girl who’s ever received the first impression rose has ended up being the final girl. And I don’t know if they’ve even gotten to the final two. Weird dynamic going on there. Stay away from the first impression roses, ladies. It’s a death trap.
-Well, I’m glad the column finally got up. Not only has Blogger been screwing me the last couple weeks, but last Tuesday, the hard drive on my computer fried, so I basically was computer-less for the most part over the last 7 days. Just got it back yesterday, and not everything got saved. My Itunes is all jacked up, my “favorites” list is all out of order, and now come this morning, my email isn’t working great. Some emails I’m getting, some I’m not. Basically, my world has been turned upside down over the last week. I didn’t realize how lost I am without having access to the internet 24/7 until this past week. I felt naked. Like I had no idea what was happening in the world. Kinda like Shayne.
-Anyway, the site should be good for the next couple weeks. We’ll tweak with things here and there, and hopefully by the time Deanna’s seasons rolls around, everything will be good to go. Any questions, comments, thoughts on the new page you have, feel free to email me at email@example.com. If I don’t get back to you right away, probably means I didn’t get it and its lost in cyber space somewhere. Until next weekâ€¦.