The Bachelor 12 - Matt

The Bachelor Recap – 5/5/08

-Since the “Women Tell All” episodes usually produces my shortest column of the season, let’s get to a couple things first. I think I might have more non-“Bachelor” stuff in this weeks column than an actual recap of the show. If you didn’t see it, you missed NOTHING other than Matt has joined the “Since I’m British, I guess I should shave my head like Beckham” club. You can see that all is well with the site and it’s back up and running like a normal website should. Thank you Word Press. And once again, go screw yourself Blogger. I think I like the white background better than the blue anyway. Seems a little easier to read. I spent some time this weekend manually putting in old archives one by one. So as you can see in the right hand column, the last three seasons of the Bachelor are all there, along with last seasons “Dr. Reality Steve”, and a couple years worth of “Reality Roundup” columns, which equates to about eight of them. There are still other archived seasons of the “Bachelor” that I need to get to, and those will be done in the coming weeks. I also added links of the websites I pretty much look at every single day, numerous times. If I don’t check those sites like every 10 minutes, I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in the world. Yes, it’s gotten that bad.

-I figured that since I’m still working on the format of the webpage and the layout on how its going to look, I’d have some extra time between the end of this season and the beginning of the “Bachelorette”. Ummmmm, apparently not. I knew Deanna’s season was going to air in the summer, I just didn’t realize ABC isn’t skipping a beat and is gonna start it the week after this one ends. That’s the first time in history they’ve done that. Back to back seasons with no break? Are you kidding me? That might be a little overkill. Then again, this show is one giant overkill since it’s the same thing over and over and over. Now, the “Bachelorette” is a different animal because it’s the only season that’s produced a marriage. And Meredith and Ian lasted a good two years before they broke up. Jen Scheft? Not so much. I think she hated every guy on her season. But hey, last time I checked, a 33% success rate is better than a 0% success rate. And from rumblings I’ve already heard, Deanna finds her man and falls in love. And we’ll get appearances from Jenni and Ellen Degeneres at some point.

-I needed to talk about a show that I ended up catching yesterday on MTV. I’ve seen it numerous times before, and may have even mentioned it in this column, but yesterday took the cake, so I figured I’d tell you about it. “Next” is probably one of the most insane shows on television right now. I can’t believe how poorly scripted and acted it is, yet I’m mesmerized every time it comes on since every contestant on that show is a whore – man or woman. Every guy on there talks about his junk, and every girl talks about either her rack, her ass, or what she can do with her mouth. It’s a half hour of sexual innuendos – and it’s awesome. One guy goes on a date with 5 women one at a time. At any point during the date, if he doesn’t like her, he “nexts” her, and the next girl comes off the bus. And they also do the one girl and five guys date. The best part of the show is the introductions when the children of our future tell us a scripted one-liner about themselves. I tivo’ed yesterday’s episode just so you could get the full grasp on where we’ve come as a society that this show airs in about a 4 hour block of nonstop episodes every morning. Here’s how the five guys introduced themselves yesterday:

“I’m Dan, I’m 22. I’m good with kids….but I’m better at makin’ them.” Sure Dan. Because at 22, your level of maturity and experience totally outdoes anyone else.

“I’m Rick, I’m 20. I’m a future FBI agent and I hope this girl’s lookin’ to get tapped.” He’s going to wire tap her? Huh? What’s the…..oh. I get it. He’s gonna tap that ass. Thanks for the heads up Rick.

“I’m Kevin, I’m 23. And my nickname is rooster cuz I have one hell of a ‘cock-a-doodle-doo'”. Shocker, this guy was black.

“I’m Tarynn, I’m 19. And if this girl’s fine, I might just tear into that booty.” I’m convinced that’s not even his real name. They just used that so the writers could work in “tear into that booty”. Never heard a guy named Tarynn.

“I’m Ryan, I’m 19. I work at an auto parts care store, so you know I can work on some muffler.” Kinda didn’t make any sense Ryan. Must’ve been that writers first day on the job.

By the way, the chick ended up choosing Kevin because he was a personal trainer, did a strip tease. Probably had nothing to do with anything else either. And if that wasn’t bad enough, here’s what 3 of the 5 girls had to say in their introductions on the next date. The other two were twins and amazingly stayed away from the sexual innuendos.

“I’m Courtney, I’m 19. And no guy can say “next” to this waitresses big tips”(as she grabbed both of her breasts). Fascinating Courtney. I’m sure you’re well respected at your work.

“I’m Crissy, I’m 19. And you know what they say about us small town girls – we’re horny.” I didn’t realize that was the stereotype of small town girls. Her writer really must’ve run out of things to come up with.

“I’m Reva, I’m 19. And I’ve been a cheerleader since I was 3. Oh how my pom poms have grown” (as she grabbed both of her breasts). Yep, this is how teenagers act and speak nowadays. Their parents must be proud. And you know what the worst part of all this is? I’ll probably watch another couple episodes today if I’m bored. It’s that much a train wreck to pass up. Hmmmmm…..what would I say if I went on there even though I’m about 12 years past the age limit on this show? I think I got it. In true “Next”-speak:

I’m Steve, I’m 32. And I love to write ladies, so maybe if youre lucky, I’ll dip my pen in your ink.

That’s sure to get me laid, no?

-I am beyond proud to announce to those that haven’t heard, VH1 is following in MTV’s footsteps by creating a “RW/RR Challenge” type show of their own. Except their show will use cast members from “Rock of Love”, “Flavor of Love”, and “I Love NY”. It debuts July 13th, which means, I will book nothing on my calendar that day. Are you kidding me? You’ve seen how wild ass the “RW/RR Challenge” shows get? Just imagine that show on crack, and that’s what “I Love Money” will be. I cannot wait for this. According to the press release, “I Love Money”….

“….will follow 17 contetants from either of the three aforementioned “Celebreality” shows, as they travel to Mexico, where they’ll live together and compete in various challenges that test their desire to get rich quick. The sole winner will receive $250,000.”

The only thing I won’t be familiar with is the contestants from “Flavor of Love” and “I Love NY” since I never really paid attention to those. Let’s just hope most of the people cast are from the first two seasons of “Rock of Love”. Now that’s entertaining television. What we saw last night was crap. And nothing I hadn’t heard or read before. Let’s get to it.

-In case you didn’t notice, the “Women Tell All” episode has really slipped in past seasons. Last season they didn’t even do one because they had to do an “After the Final Rose” which was awesome. But honestly, last night, there was zero drama, zero scandal, barely any cat fighting, and most of the show was replaying stuff we’ve already seen. So I only have a few tidbits from last night before I get into more good juicy stuff about myself you’re dying to hear about. That’s coming later.

-These shows always remind me how forgettable about 80% of the women who appear on this show are. They had 15 women show up last night, and I think only half of them spoke. Amy, Erin S., Stacy, Erin H., Kelly, Carri, Michele R., Kristine, Michelle P., Holly, Robin, Marshana, Ashleelee, Noelle, and Amanda. I don’t think Noelle spoke the whole night, and neither did Ashleelee. And those were 2 of the final 6. And why was that? Because ABC somehow thought we cared about seeing Marshana flap her gums onstage for seemed like eternity. Ok, bad choice of words. But you get what I’m saying. They dedicated the first segment to Stacy the drunk and her “Here Matt, take my panties so you’ll remember me for the Rose Ceremony tonight” moment. So what’d she have to say for herself? “I’m embarrassed. That’s not me. I’m a really nice girl.” Oh god, please. Look, you did it, own up to it. You’re telling me the first time you ever decided to slip a guy a pair of your panties was on a nationally televised show? Sure it was. Have another red bull and vodka, Stacy. And your parents called. They said to never contact them again.

-Robin was first up in the hot seat. I guess she overslept and was running late for the show since she showed up in her nightgown that barely hung down past her naval. Geez Robin. You know Matt is taken now. He’s not really looking at you anymore in that crazy, psychopath, stalking way you look at him. Robins explanation for her piss poor behavior on the show? “I’ve been hurt a lot by women. A lot more than by men. So I guess it’s just a defense mechanism.” Maybe because you’re such a beyotch around women is why they hurt you. Or maybe truly deep down inside, you enjoy women’s company. And their soft caress. And their supple breasts. This is beginning to sound like a romance novel. “As Robin gazed lovingly into Chelsea’s eyes, her heart pounding inside her chest, as she nervously attempts to tell Chelsea how she really feels. Robin takes Chelsea’s warm firm hands into her own, presses them up against her curvaceous breastseseseses, and romantically leans in and rams her tongue down Chelsea’s esophagus.” Whew. Getting hot in here. Maybe that’s my second calling? Romance novels.

-Robin also felt something on this show that she’s never felt before. Other than, of course, the love for another woman. “I don’t think I’ve ever been truly hated before this.” Yet again, my guess is you have. If you’ve already admitted you’ve been hurt by women before, I’m guessing at some point they hated you. For being a troll. And in a way, I feel bad for Robin in the sense that there are plenty of factions in America that protest against trolls. That’s just wrong. Even trolls have feeling too, you know. Speaking of weird looking creatures, Marshana said she seemed to have the biggest problem with Robin. Marshana: “I thought you were intentionally mean to me.” Yes, she probably was Marshana. And you know why? Because you’re a giant drama queen who probably should’ve been cast for “Flavor of Love” and not this show. But hey, who am I to judge? I might be the only person out there who thinks that way about you. Ha ha…not quite.

-Marshana is next up in the hot seat and basically tries to explain her behavior. All I saw was a lot of head bobbing and finger waving, and I pretty much tuned out from there. I did hear her say that she felt “Robin had an attitude of superiority to me”. Translation: She thought she was better than me cuz she’s white. And we all know the track record of sisters on this show. It ain’t all that and a bag a chips. Ya hear? Oh, no you dih-int. Good Lord. I was SHOCKED that the race card didn’t come out after that statement. SHOCKED. I was fully expecting a race riot to break out on stage last night as basically we knew what Marshana was getting at with that line. Good thing Host Chris stepped in and prevented that from happening. I knew they paid him handsomely for something. I’m telling you, if I were ever about to get my ass kicked, you ask me who the one guy I’d want to have my back, it’s Chris Harrison. He’s one mean lookin’ S.O.B. Ha…A Frenchman carrying a bouquet of roses and a puppy while sliding down a rainbow looks more menacing than Host Chris.

-There was one catfight last night, if you want to call it that. It was just one line spewed out by Marshana (shocker, I know) that made the audience go, “Ooooooohhhhhhh”. Here was an exchange between Robin and Marshana.

Marshana: “I can handle the criticism.”
Robin: “But you can’t.”
Marshana: “Robin, you are dismissed.”

What? No, “Walk off!!!…Walk off!!!…Walk off!!!…Walk off!!!!” You’re dismissed? Are you her teacher? And considering the argument pretty much went nowhere after that statement, it showed how annoying Marshana is. She has these phrases that no one else uses, and she uses them at the most inopportune times. Let’s just say, I’m glad we’ve seen the last of Marshana.

-Amanda was the last one up in the hot seat. One thing I always do during the season, is read all the girls exit interviews they do with the media after their episode airs. You can find them on www.realitytvworld.com usually on Wednesday or Thursday on the week they’re eliminated. I have it linked over in the right hand column. Anyway, one things I read during Amanda’s interview that I couldn’t believe she didn’t bring up last night was the main reason behind pulling her prank. She told the interviewer she did it because her parents live in such a small town in Tallahassee, there would be nothing to do there. Apparently the town only has one stoplight. So she figured she’d spice things up and play the prank. I guess I can kinda understand that, but why wouldn’t she tell most of the audience who didn’t know that story yet about that being part of the reason?

-Apparently Meepers still doesn’t get why she was eliminated. “I’m just as confused now as when I left…Why didn’t he show any concerns with me?…I thought we were going to get engaged. I really did.” Wow. Delusional, this girl is. Is it possible he just didn’t like you as a future wife? Is that ok? I mean, he had to get rid of somebody. And maybe he didn’t show concerns towards you but did towards Shayne and Chelsea. Doesn’t mean you were the one for him? I’m shocked at how some of these women can’t come to grips with the fact that because they didn’t get chosen, they completely are left in the cold as to why. So Matt comes out, Meepers asks him why, and he basically says because the word “like” came out of her mouth more than “love” did. So there Amanda. Take that. Because you didn’t pretend that you fell in love with some British import in 6 weeks, you got sent home. Trust me Meeps, I think you’ll be better off for it. You didn’t want to marry this guy anyway. He’s douchey.

-Amanda says the one thing she learned out of all this was that “people need to know that you like them. And I need to know if they like me.” Wow. What a novel concept. You mean you had to go on this show to figure that out? Normally when you like a guy, you don’t tell him? And you play that stupid game of “Well, I like you, but I’m not gonna act like I like you, cuz then it’ll seem to easy, and god forbid, we have any of that”? Good one, Amanda. Now you have your answer as to why you’re single. Well, that and the fact your family seems to be living the life of “Little House and the Prairie”. One stoplight? Really? I couldn’t fathom living in a town that small with that little to do. I’d go crazy.

-So other than a few outtakes of bloopers we didn’t see, that was the whole show. See? Told you that you missed nothing? I think they should just eliminate this show altogether and just always do an “After the Final Rose” show with the final two girls and have them duke it out. Especially have the Bachelor and the one he chose making out and holding hands right in front of the one that was scorned. That would make for great television. Especially next week. Like say Chelsea changes out of her dress like she did on the fantasy date, but Shayne is forced to sit there and watch while Matt and Chelsea grope each other. Who wouldn’t watch that?

-A couple last notes to get to. I was at a restaurant the other day, one I frequent at least 3 or 4 times a week for lunch. Anyway, a waitress that I’d never had before, saw my water glass was empty, and the only thing she said to me was, “Would you like me to top you off, sir?” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I nodded my head and said yes, but I really think I should’ve made the situation a little more uncomfortable by responding with, “You mean here? I would think the bathroom is a more appropriate place, don’t you?’ I’m sure that wouldn’t have embarrassed her much. I don’t think a waitress has ever said that to me at a restaurant before. Especially not when she doesn’t say anything before it or after it. Just a, “Would you like me to top you off, sir?” and leaves. Maybe it’s because my mind is in the gutter all day is why I find that so funny. I had lunch there yesterday, and a guy served me. I’m glad he didn’t ask the same question. I might’ve spit up my food.

-Remember for “Dr. Reality Steve” started I used to re-print “Dear Abby” questions from the LA Times that I had read over lunch and answered them in my own way? Well, I’m thinking of maybe doing that again on occasion. When I was in LA the other week, I kept the “Calendar” section because of this one particular question asked by a reader. This was awesome. This makes me wish I could do this as a second job. So this was actually in the “Ask Amy” part. I think Amy emailed me onetime after a re-printed one of her letters. Anyway, here it was from April 28th:

Dear Amy,

I have found the love of my life. He is amazing and wonderful. We are only 21 and don’t plan on marrying until we graduate from college – and then we have to find jobs and plan for a wedding. It will probably be three or more years until we marry.

The thing is, I’m Catholic and promised myself I wouldn’t have sex until marriage, but I really want to share that experience with my boyfriend.

I feel so conflicted. My family would be so disappointed if I had sex before marriage. I know I should feel that God wants me to wait. It is just hard because sex is so prevalent.

My boyfriend has been great and says he can wait, but sometimes we both have a weak moment and have come close. I don’t know what to do.

Conflicted Catholic

Well, well, well. Little jail bait wants to give it up but promised she’d wait. Immediately my first response to this was, “I guarantee this girls already had sex.” She’s just looking to justify her doing it when she promised herself she wouldn’t until marriage. We both have had “weak moments” and have “come close”. So she’ll do everything else, but not sex? Uh huh. Sure she hasn’t. Look “Conflicted Catholic”, hear me out. I’m Catholic. And I’ve had sex before marriage. And so should you. There. Now be on your merry way and you can thank me later. Man, that felt good. I should be like a Youth Ministry leader or something. I think I’d set a good example to our youth of today. I mean, would it really matter if she listened to me anyway? Look at what the rest of our teenagers are saying on MTV to each other. This girl will be on drugs or pregnant by 24. Just a prediction.

-Anyway, that’s all for this week. Bear with me as I’m still tinkering with things on the site. We want to replace the ads that were on the old Blogger, maybe figure out an easier way to navigate around, although right now, it looks pretty easy to me. Just click on the past columns you want to read. But it looks like for the time being, no more technical glitches and the column will be up and ready to go every Tuesday. I still can’t believe we don’t get a break in between seasons. Oh well. That means more of me in your lives for the next couple months. You should be ecstatic. Any emails, questions, comments, praises, criticisms, thoughts on the new site, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…

12 Comments

12 Comments

  1. J

    May 6, 2008 at 2:55 PM

    They did have a Women Tell All for last season w/the cowboy bar owner. He said at that point something like “i’m happy with the outcome”

  2. M

    May 6, 2008 at 3:54 PM

    I am a Bachelor fan but I love your sense of humor.
    Right on!!!

  3. Erin

    May 6, 2008 at 4:08 PM

    I like your new blog format and agree it is a little easier to read. Thanks for the recap, though you’re right it was a tad boring.
    I had to laugh about you reading the “Ask Amy” column. I read it to my coworkers everyday at lunch and we make fun of the people that write in too. In fact there was one today about a woman who didn’t know if she should have to wear a bra to work or not. Good times.
    Thanks again!

  4. Mary

    May 6, 2008 at 4:49 PM

    Hilarious!! I love the “Next” commentary. That show is super ridiculous. And your reply to the poor Catholic girl was too too funny. Chris Harrison said again last night how funny Matt was. Am I missing something? I don’t remember him being funny at all (read like the british – a’tall).

    Awesome post once again! :)

  5. Anonymous

    May 7, 2008 at 11:30 AM

    ‘So I only have a few tidbits from last night before I get into more good juicy stuff about myself you’re dying to hear about. That’s coming later’. I’m waiting for the juicy stuff……..or is it that you’re posting pictures of Maddie?

  6. Anonymous

    May 7, 2008 at 12:43 PM

    Hey, Steve,

    Another great recap! I too just wanted Marshana to get off stage already. Matt does NOT look good with the new hair.

    Note to self: if I ever get rejected by thw Bachelor on national TV, I must attend the WTA wearing a strapless dress. Seriously, nearly all those girls wore strapless dresses. And Robin’s dress looked like a t-shirt.

    This time they didn’t even air the “ask the bachelorettes anything” segment–though that was actually a relief, as those questions are usually boring. This season, one audience member asked Carri about her biting-into-the-can skills “can you really do that?” that was aired in the last five seconds of the show (go back to ABC.com and watch it–its funny).

    I’ve seen the show Next, and so I was laughing hysterically when you mentioned it. Quality human beings, aren’t they?

    Can’t wait to see the Maddie pictures!

  7. lil'z

    May 8, 2008 at 6:58 AM

    … uh, I’m desperately sorry to be the one saying this, but I think Ryan’s intro was attempting to refer to some “muffler” – abbreviate to muff – referring to some part of a woman’s anatomy he wanted to use his, ‘er, tool on …
    bleeeeeeeeeaaaccchh!
    –shaking it off and moving directly on!—re: Robin’s declaration that she’s never been hated before -!!!!!ahahahahahahaha Truly was the most hilarious line of the night. I GUARANTEE she’s been hated repeatedly and resoundingly – yup, including by me, every time she opens her stupid yap on national tv! Go home already and brew yourself some sleepytime tea with your extra-special British tea-maker and shut the hell up already!! haaaaaaa [now let me tell you how I really feel about her.]
    oh yeah – I was surprised you missed the hilarious tie-in between the horrible ‘Next’ girl declaring all small town girls are big-time horny and Meeps’ story about living in a one-stoplight burg. What do you mean you couldn’t live there, you’d have NOTHING to do … thought it would be just the opposite!
    Good times!
    Keep up the hilarity!
    :-) lil’z

  8. lil'z

    May 8, 2008 at 7:15 AM

    p.s. Sorry, meant to say I found the waitress story spit-my-coffee-out funny and your comeback right on the money […yeah, my mind’s in the gutter all day long, too.] [haaaaa my inner Beavis just said, ‘You typed comeback! haaaaa].
    –But I’m glad you didn’t say your line out loud. I’ve been a waitress, and TRUST me, after 8 hrs on your feet and EVERY DAMN CUSTOMER thinking they’re a contestant on ‘Next,’ with their lame come-ons and attempts and sexual innuendo … that shtick isn’t even slightly funny anymore. [You wanna make her day and have her remember you — just tip her really, really well.]
    But keep sharing the bad lines with us! Love ’em! 😉

  9. JENNIFER

    May 8, 2008 at 1:02 PM

    Well Steve, I have a resturant clip for you too.
    I went to see the Rachel Ray show yesterday – they film in NY and my friends and I went to the Capital Grill on 42nd st for lunch which we found out was very pricey but good. The waiter was explaining how a Kona Coffee rub was on the sirloin steak which was on the lunch menul (about $36) I then asked if he could put that rub on a hamburger…..his reply: I can rub it on anything you want darlin”!
    Alrighty then.
    I opted for the Sourdough club.

    Loved the column as usual and can’t wait to see Maddie pictures.
    :)
    Jen

  10. fizzy

    May 12, 2008 at 10:19 PM

    I can’t WAIT to read your comments tomorrow! Can you believe the constant references to MONKEYS! OMG! You couldn’t have PAID them to correspond with your HOT MONKEY SEX commentary. LOL! See you tomorrow!

  11. annonymously famous

    May 16, 2008 at 9:41 PM

    Weirdest show ever. No advertising, no promo, no proposal announcement. What happened to Matt’s snarky dry humor? He was funnier before the show started. I realize that sarcasm and dry wit don’t play well on tv, but really ….. And why make 70% of the people hate your heroine before the hero rescues her? Makes no sense. It is as if they started the show and then got distracted and just finished it.
    I am sure there was a reason for no ATFR … it is always a revenue maker ….
    I need to recover from this bachelor before we have to watch the next rejected/dejected sweetheart paw through 25 hand-picked hotties for someone to give a rose to at the end. I predict: rich, tall, handsome, dark, rich, southern, rich …
    Good luck to Shayne and Matt in the real world – here’s to an entertaining next show.

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