-I can’t wait to get married someday. Really, I can’t. I’m sure it’ll be pretty special. In fact, I already know how I’m going to propose. And I’ve known for about 5 years. I just haven’t had anyone to propose to. But whenever it is, and to whoever it is, I can only hope it’ll come across as heartfelt and romantic as Matt Grant getting down on one knee asking Shayne Lamas, “Monkey, will you marry me?” He didn’t actually say that, right? Monkey? Really? Not as if we didn’t hear that word 500 other times last night but did he have to throw it in during the proposal? I was shocked. Well, I was shocked by a couple things. First off, that he was even proposing to her in the first place. And secondly, that he thought referring to her as a zoo animal would make the proposal that much more romantic. Didn’t something seem off about the whole love story between those two? The way he called her “monkey” during the proposal, and the way she was constantly telling us how much in love she was, which in essence, means she’s trying to convince herself of it too. Not that if he chose Chelsea did I think they’d be married for 50 years, but there’s not a chance in hell that Matt and Shayne walk down the aisle. No surprise there. I’m just playing the percentages, which are currently at a 0% success rate for this show. 0-for-11. And it’s only a matter of time before it’s 0-for-12.

-The funny thing is, it’s not that I’m anti-Shayne at all. I admitted earlier this season that she began to grow on me. And I wasn’t really surprised at all that she made it to the finals. I’m just surprised he picked her. It’s almost like ABC knows this relationship is going to fail as well. Last season was the first time they had ever done a 1 hr finale. And after watching the end result, we could see why. No one would want to sit through two hours to watch two girls get dumped. So this season, knowing that since the day they filmed the finale, they were getting a proposal, ABC waited until 2 weeks ago to start promoting it. For Andy’s season, from day 1, they were promoting the fact there was a proposal. For a show that has taken numerous criticisms over the years for having failed relationships, A) Why wouldn’t they start their hype machine of a proposal much earlier?, and, B) Why was the finale only an hour? Trust me, I enjoyed the fact I didn’t have to sit through 2 hours of nonsense, but, that’s just me being selfish. It all seemed a bit rushed for me. Also, the fact that we get no “After the Final Rose” where we can see these two together for the first time since the finale and dissect whether they even still like each other. Nothing. A proposal they started promoting two weeks ago, a 1 hr. finale, and no follow up to the show. But hey, at least they’re shoving DeAnna down our throats immediately beginning next week. Couldn’t wait to move on to that season. Somethings not right.

-If they’re all happy and excited they finally got a proposal, maybe they should’ve shown us more of their “love” story to make it a little bit more believable. I mean, barely five minutes each of Chelsea and Shayne meeting his family for the first time, and then barely yet another five minutes of their final time together in Barbados? And that’s supposed to convince us, coupled with everything else, that this was his choice? Especially since Matt was contradicting himself all night long with his statements. Granted, it could have easily been the editing as we clearly saw last season with Brad, but Matt specifically said on numerous occasions that this was the toughest decision he had to make, and even after his final time with Shayne, he said he still hadn’t made his decision. Then in the next breath, he’s quoted as saying these exact words:

“I never thought I’d fall in love with two women… I never thought I would so emotionally attached to two people. I’m going to have to say goodbye to one of them at the end, and regardless of what decision I make, somebody is going to get hurt. I just thought to myself who out of these two women can I see as a life-long partner. It was quite clear to me.”

Huh? So if it was quite clear to you who you could see as your life long partner, how was the decision difficult to make? Sure, you had feelings for both women (which we’ll get to in a moment), but if you knew Shayne, for God’s knows what reason, was the one you think you’ll be married to until you die, seems to me it’d be an easy decision to make. Look, it’s Matts decision, not mine. I can sit here and second guess him all day, but in the end, he went with who he felt he should be with. So be it. My whole opinion on proposing to Shayne is this: I just can’t imagine how he would think that picking a 22 year old actress who has a father that’s been divorced four times, and a mother whose had her fair share of marriges, would be a good choice. Unless he’s doing it to improve his acting career or whatever, then I don’t see it. There’s no doubt in my mind, and should be in everyone else’s mind who’s watched the show, that Shayne is going to be married two or three times in her life. Do I honestly see that girl getting married to Matt in the next couple years and staying married forever? Not a chance. I’m guessing half the people reading this column agree with me, and half of you don’t. Which is fine. That’s what makes people tune into the show. Just know that the half of you who disagree with me are wrong….ha ha.

-And I don’t really think I’m going out on a limb here saying that these two won’t make it. I mean, I do have some statistical evidence to back me up. You know, like the fact that this show has never produced a married couple yet. A whopping 0-for-11. The “Bachelorette” has gone 1-for-3, but that’s a different show since women are a little more sincere about doing the show. Except Jen Scheft. Most guys going on this show are doing it to further their career, and knowing that Matt wants to move to the U.S. to get into acting, this can only help his visibility. Notice I didn’t say credibility. I honestly don’t think Matt is all that bad a guy. I thought he came across rather normal on the show, and if you look back over the columns, I don’t really think I had many harsh words to say about him other than his fish mouth and use of the word “monkey” in the finale. So as far as “Bachelors” go, I’d say he was probably in the top five we’ve had. Of course, that’s not saying much considering some of the douche bags they’ve cast on this show. Hell, Andy Baldwin was voted most popular “Bachelor” ever and now he’s taking fake photo shoots and boinking Marla Maples. Not to mention the behind the scenes stories that surround that guy and his season. Let’s just say he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. And the viewers voting him the most popular “Bachelor” ever pretty much showed he pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.

-I just think that at the end of the day, in about two to three months from now, when I check one of my numerous reality TV sites one morning, I’m going to wake up, and I’ll see a headline reading something to the effect of, “Bachelor Matt Grant and Shayne call it quits”. And then in the press release, it’ll talk about how both of them still love each other, it was a tough decision to make, but in the end, once they got back to the real world, they decided they’d be better off as great friends.” Is it really impossible to see that scenario? I didn’t think so either. I mean, it’s happened eleven previous times, let’s say we make it an even dozen Matt and Shayne, whaddya’ say? Keep tradition alive.

-I feel really bad for Chelsea. No, not that she got dumped. I’m sure she’s over that by now. Hell, look at DeAnna. She was a crying bumbling mess when Brad dumped her during the finale. She was a crying bumbling mess who still hadn’t gotten over it three months later when they did the “After the Final Rose” show. And now, six months after all that, she’s apparently in love again with someone else. Go figure. Anyway, what really sucks for Chelsea is that she didn’t become Mrs. Chelsea Grant and has to remain Chelsea Wansrath. Yes, that’s her last name. Wansrath. What’s a Wansrath? Sounds like a character in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. She certainly doesn’t look like a Wansrath. There is a consolation for Chelsea. Matt’s brother liked her. And since that chubby Brit was into her, at least she still has a chance to be part of the Grant family. Really? That was Matt’s brother? Ummmm…was this another Meepers prank? That guy couldn’t have been any more opposite of Matt if he tried. Short and stocky with a big giant head and a goatee. I’d say he lost out in the gene pool game. Sucks for him.

-Do I have a problem with Matt telling both girls he’s in love with them? Not really. I mean, if he is and he chooses to tell them each that, then that’s his fault and he has to deal with the consequences. Obviously, if you tell two girls that, then dump one of them, that girl is going to be even more hurt than if you just said, “Hey, I like you a lot. And I liked you going pantyless on our overnight date. And I liked the hot monkey sex we had in the hotel room too. It’s just that my monkey likes to be inside a different monkey. And that monkey’s name is monkey. Monkey, monkey, monkey.” That did get a little nauseating last night, didn’t it? And for those that may have missed it, Matt calls Shayne “monkey” because he said she feels like a monkey when she’s holding on to him. Uhhhhh….ok. Considering you’re like a foot taller than her, and when she hugs you it looks like she’s hanging from a tree, yeah, I guess I can see it. Great nickname. Hilarious. You’re one clever guy. Just know that you ruined the most special moment in that girls life when you called her “monkey” during the proposal. I just hope the next guy that proposes to her (sometime next year), doesn’t do the same thing. I still can’t believe I heard that.

-I usually don’t spend time in the finale column to dissect every detail of the episode like I do for the other ones, but just a couple quick observations about the actual episode:

-Shayne mentioned to his family that she started acting at age 12 in soap operas, and now she’s worked her way up into film. So she did “General Hospital” from 2003-2006, and now she considers the role of “Red Bikini Girl” in “Endless Bummer” an actual film credit? Really? And let’s not forget she has just completed “The 13th Alley”, and is in post-production on “Deep in the Valley”. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess every single one of those will end up on Skin-emax late at night. Just a hunch.

-I’m sure ABC told to the parents to give conflicting opinions on who they liked. The fat, chubby Brit brother liked Chelsea. The dad liked Shayne. And the mom said her gut told her Shayne was more sincere. And even Matt chimed in with “I’m most at ease with Shayne, but I have more passion with Chelsea.” So they were doing the audience no favors by giving us that. If anything, I thought the editors tilted it in favor of him picking Chelsea last night, which isn’t surprising.

-Chelsea’s dress. Wow. Was it just me, or did that thing have a slit all the way up the front right up to her naval? And what exactly do you wear under something like that? Boy shorts? A thong? Hell if I know. But I sure would’ve loved to find out. Matt’s an idiot for not picking her just based on what she wore to the final rose ceremony. I thought she looked amazing. And I’m sure half the women out there will critique what she had on. Haters. All you women hate each other.

-Here in Dallas, during one of the commercial breaks, Lorenzo Lamas did a voice over telling us he would be appearing in the play “The Fantastiks” at some local theatre for only “one week in June. So get your tickets now.” “The Fantastiks”? Isn’t that a Disney movie for kids? Look Lorenzo, I don’t know why you think we give two sh**s about you anymore just because we’re watching your daughter on TV. What a pimp. Go away. I’m not going to see your stupid play.

-So that’s pretty much it for this season of the “Bachelor”. I guess we’ll see how it plays out, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up for any sort of wedding plans anytime soon. So what’s the best thing about this season that I can remember? Well, that’s easy. On March 15th, two days before this season started, I adopted my dog Maddie from the Humane Society. And it’s been the best purchase I’ve ever made. I’ve promised you all pictures since the beginning of the season, now here they are. I apologize for being the only person in America without a digital camera, so you’ll have to deal with my crappy camera phone. So not just for me, but for all of you readers of this column, “The Bachelor – Season 12″ should be remembered as the “Season of Maddie”. That’s how I’ll remember it. We return next week immediately as DeAnna searches to find love in her recently trimmed down new body with less junk in the trunk. Until next week…..Enjoy.