The Bachelor 12 - Matt

The Bachelor Finale Recap – 5/12/08

-I can’t wait to get married someday. Really, I can’t. I’m sure it’ll be pretty special. In fact, I already know how I’m going to propose. And I’ve known for about 5 years. I just haven’t had anyone to propose to. But whenever it is, and to whoever it is, I can only hope it’ll come across as heartfelt and romantic as Matt Grant getting down on one knee asking Shayne Lamas, “Monkey, will you marry me?” He didn’t actually say that, right? Monkey? Really? Not as if we didn’t hear that word 500 other times last night but did he have to throw it in during the proposal? I was shocked. Well, I was shocked by a couple things. First off, that he was even proposing to her in the first place. And secondly, that he thought referring to her as a zoo animal would make the proposal that much more romantic. Didn’t something seem off about the whole love story between those two? The way he called her “monkey” during the proposal, and the way she was constantly telling us how much in love she was, which in essence, means she’s trying to convince herself of it too. Not that if he chose Chelsea did I think they’d be married for 50 years, but there’s not a chance in hell that Matt and Shayne walk down the aisle. No surprise there. I’m just playing the percentages, which are currently at a 0% success rate for this show. 0-for-11. And it’s only a matter of time before it’s 0-for-12.

-The funny thing is, it’s not that I’m anti-Shayne at all. I admitted earlier this season that she began to grow on me. And I wasn’t really surprised at all that she made it to the finals. I’m just surprised he picked her. It’s almost like ABC knows this relationship is going to fail as well. Last season was the first time they had ever done a 1 hr finale. And after watching the end result, we could see why. No one would want to sit through two hours to watch two girls get dumped. So this season, knowing that since the day they filmed the finale, they were getting a proposal, ABC waited until 2 weeks ago to start promoting it. For Andy’s season, from day 1, they were promoting the fact there was a proposal. For a show that has taken numerous criticisms over the years for having failed relationships, A) Why wouldn’t they start their hype machine of a proposal much earlier?, and, B) Why was the finale only an hour? Trust me, I enjoyed the fact I didn’t have to sit through 2 hours of nonsense, but, that’s just me being selfish. It all seemed a bit rushed for me. Also, the fact that we get no “After the Final Rose” where we can see these two together for the first time since the finale and dissect whether they even still like each other. Nothing. A proposal they started promoting two weeks ago, a 1 hr. finale, and no follow up to the show. But hey, at least they’re shoving DeAnna down our throats immediately beginning next week. Couldn’t wait to move on to that season. Somethings not right.

-If they’re all happy and excited they finally got a proposal, maybe they should’ve shown us more of their “love” story to make it a little bit more believable. I mean, barely five minutes each of Chelsea and Shayne meeting his family for the first time, and then barely yet another five minutes of their final time together in Barbados? And that’s supposed to convince us, coupled with everything else, that this was his choice? Especially since Matt was contradicting himself all night long with his statements. Granted, it could have easily been the editing as we clearly saw last season with Brad, but Matt specifically said on numerous occasions that this was the toughest decision he had to make, and even after his final time with Shayne, he said he still hadn’t made his decision. Then in the next breath, he’s quoted as saying these exact words:

“I never thought I’d fall in love with two women… I never thought I would so emotionally attached to two people. I’m going to have to say goodbye to one of them at the end, and regardless of what decision I make, somebody is going to get hurt. I just thought to myself who out of these two women can I see as a life-long partner. It was quite clear to me.”

Huh? So if it was quite clear to you who you could see as your life long partner, how was the decision difficult to make? Sure, you had feelings for both women (which we’ll get to in a moment), but if you knew Shayne, for God’s knows what reason, was the one you think you’ll be married to until you die, seems to me it’d be an easy decision to make. Look, it’s Matts decision, not mine. I can sit here and second guess him all day, but in the end, he went with who he felt he should be with. So be it. My whole opinion on proposing to Shayne is this: I just can’t imagine how he would think that picking a 22 year old actress who has a father that’s been divorced four times, and a mother whose had her fair share of marriges, would be a good choice. Unless he’s doing it to improve his acting career or whatever, then I don’t see it. There’s no doubt in my mind, and should be in everyone else’s mind who’s watched the show, that Shayne is going to be married two or three times in her life. Do I honestly see that girl getting married to Matt in the next couple years and staying married forever? Not a chance. I’m guessing half the people reading this column agree with me, and half of you don’t. Which is fine. That’s what makes people tune into the show. Just know that the half of you who disagree with me are wrong….ha ha.

-And I don’t really think I’m going out on a limb here saying that these two won’t make it. I mean, I do have some statistical evidence to back me up. You know, like the fact that this show has never produced a married couple yet. A whopping 0-for-11. The “Bachelorette” has gone 1-for-3, but that’s a different show since women are a little more sincere about doing the show. Except Jen Scheft. Most guys going on this show are doing it to further their career, and knowing that Matt wants to move to the U.S. to get into acting, this can only help his visibility. Notice I didn’t say credibility. I honestly don’t think Matt is all that bad a guy. I thought he came across rather normal on the show, and if you look back over the columns, I don’t really think I had many harsh words to say about him other than his fish mouth and use of the word “monkey” in the finale. So as far as “Bachelors” go, I’d say he was probably in the top five we’ve had. Of course, that’s not saying much considering some of the douche bags they’ve cast on this show. Hell, Andy Baldwin was voted most popular “Bachelor” ever and now he’s taking fake photo shoots and boinking Marla Maples. Not to mention the behind the scenes stories that surround that guy and his season. Let’s just say he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. And the viewers voting him the most popular “Bachelor” ever pretty much showed he pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.

-I just think that at the end of the day, in about two to three months from now, when I check one of my numerous reality TV sites one morning, I’m going to wake up, and I’ll see a headline reading something to the effect of, “Bachelor Matt Grant and Shayne call it quits”. And then in the press release, it’ll talk about how both of them still love each other, it was a tough decision to make, but in the end, once they got back to the real world, they decided they’d be better off as great friends.” Is it really impossible to see that scenario? I didn’t think so either. I mean, it’s happened eleven previous times, let’s say we make it an even dozen Matt and Shayne, whaddya’ say? Keep tradition alive.

-I feel really bad for Chelsea. No, not that she got dumped. I’m sure she’s over that by now. Hell, look at DeAnna. She was a crying bumbling mess when Brad dumped her during the finale. She was a crying bumbling mess who still hadn’t gotten over it three months later when they did the “After the Final Rose” show. And now, six months after all that, she’s apparently in love again with someone else. Go figure. Anyway, what really sucks for Chelsea is that she didn’t become Mrs. Chelsea Grant and has to remain Chelsea Wansrath. Yes, that’s her last name. Wansrath. What’s a Wansrath? Sounds like a character in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. She certainly doesn’t look like a Wansrath. There is a consolation for Chelsea. Matt’s brother liked her. And since that chubby Brit was into her, at least she still has a chance to be part of the Grant family. Really? That was Matt’s brother? Ummmm…was this another Meepers prank? That guy couldn’t have been any more opposite of Matt if he tried. Short and stocky with a big giant head and a goatee. I’d say he lost out in the gene pool game. Sucks for him.

-Do I have a problem with Matt telling both girls he’s in love with them? Not really. I mean, if he is and he chooses to tell them each that, then that’s his fault and he has to deal with the consequences. Obviously, if you tell two girls that, then dump one of them, that girl is going to be even more hurt than if you just said, “Hey, I like you a lot. And I liked you going pantyless on our overnight date. And I liked the hot monkey sex we had in the hotel room too. It’s just that my monkey likes to be inside a different monkey. And that monkey’s name is monkey. Monkey, monkey, monkey.” That did get a little nauseating last night, didn’t it? And for those that may have missed it, Matt calls Shayne “monkey” because he said she feels like a monkey when she’s holding on to him. Uhhhhh….ok. Considering you’re like a foot taller than her, and when she hugs you it looks like she’s hanging from a tree, yeah, I guess I can see it. Great nickname. Hilarious. You’re one clever guy. Just know that you ruined the most special moment in that girls life when you called her “monkey” during the proposal. I just hope the next guy that proposes to her (sometime next year), doesn’t do the same thing. I still can’t believe I heard that.

-I usually don’t spend time in the finale column to dissect every detail of the episode like I do for the other ones, but just a couple quick observations about the actual episode:

-Shayne mentioned to his family that she started acting at age 12 in soap operas, and now she’s worked her way up into film. So she did “General Hospital” from 2003-2006, and now she considers the role of “Red Bikini Girl” in “Endless Bummer” an actual film credit? Really? And let’s not forget she has just completed “The 13th Alley”, and is in post-production on “Deep in the Valley”. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess every single one of those will end up on Skin-emax late at night. Just a hunch.

-I’m sure ABC told to the parents to give conflicting opinions on who they liked. The fat, chubby Brit brother liked Chelsea. The dad liked Shayne. And the mom said her gut told her Shayne was more sincere. And even Matt chimed in with “I’m most at ease with Shayne, but I have more passion with Chelsea.” So they were doing the audience no favors by giving us that. If anything, I thought the editors tilted it in favor of him picking Chelsea last night, which isn’t surprising.

-Chelsea’s dress. Wow. Was it just me, or did that thing have a slit all the way up the front right up to her naval? And what exactly do you wear under something like that? Boy shorts? A thong? Hell if I know. But I sure would’ve loved to find out. Matt’s an idiot for not picking her just based on what she wore to the final rose ceremony. I thought she looked amazing. And I’m sure half the women out there will critique what she had on. Haters. All you women hate each other.

-Here in Dallas, during one of the commercial breaks, Lorenzo Lamas did a voice over telling us he would be appearing in the play “The Fantastiks” at some local theatre for only “one week in June. So get your tickets now.” “The Fantastiks”? Isn’t that a Disney movie for kids? Look Lorenzo, I don’t know why you think we give two sh**s about you anymore just because we’re watching your daughter on TV. What a pimp. Go away. I’m not going to see your stupid play.

-So that’s pretty much it for this season of the “Bachelor”. I guess we’ll see how it plays out, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up for any sort of wedding plans anytime soon. So what’s the best thing about this season that I can remember? Well, that’s easy. On March 15th, two days before this season started, I adopted my dog Maddie from the Humane Society. And it’s been the best purchase I’ve ever made. I’ve promised you all pictures since the beginning of the season, now here they are. I apologize for being the only person in America without a digital camera, so you’ll have to deal with my crappy camera phone. So not just for me, but for all of you readers of this column, “The Bachelor – Season 12” should be remembered as the “Season of Maddie”. That’s how I’ll remember it. We return next week immediately as DeAnna searches to find love in her recently trimmed down new body with less junk in the trunk. Until next week…..Enjoy.

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40 Comments

40 Comments

  1. Chastity

    May 13, 2008 at 11:21 AM

    Wow, she is totally not what I was expecting but still ever so cute!

  2. karen

    May 13, 2008 at 11:26 AM

    Is she a beagle mix? her head looks very beagl-ey, but her body looks a little different

  3. Dianne

    May 13, 2008 at 11:40 AM

    Awesome column as per usual..thanks Steve! Maddie is an absolute doll! Just look at those eyes..enough to make you melt! Thanks for sharing her with us..she’s amazing!

  4. Sheila

    May 13, 2008 at 11:45 AM

    Maddie’s adorable, Steve She’s so lucky to have found you. Thanks for posting her pix.

    About the “show.” Yuck. Your column today is “spot on!”

  5. mrs. seehund

    May 13, 2008 at 11:53 AM

    What a fine doggie, she’s “lovely”!
    Your re-cap was “brilliant”, I would have been “gutted” if he didn’t pick Shayne.

  6. Pam

    May 13, 2008 at 12:03 PM

    Loved the recap and agree totally. I am sorry, but ‘monkey’ is a nasty nickname. I would not be very happy with that. And all I could think of was ‘hot monkey sex’ everytime he said that. They will last all of a New York minute. Leave it to Fleiss to think he could pull this on us. Can’t wait for Deanna’s season-and your recaps. Thanks Steve.

    Maddie is adorable!

  7. nancy

    May 13, 2008 at 12:05 PM

    love maddie looks better behaved then my two guys they are cute but oh so bad. I am very aware this is not going to last, however, i think those two cheeseballs deserve each other. I think she is so cute and i would have been disappointed if she had not but wow on the dissing she got from chelsea.

  8. Kristi

    May 13, 2008 at 12:06 PM

    What a beautiful puppy! I’m so glad she got adopted by someone who obviously really loves her. Just don’t start calling her, “your little monkey . . . ”

    Great recap as usual. I’ll be back next week to see what weirdos Deanna gets to date!

  9. Maria

    May 13, 2008 at 12:19 PM

    Great recap… as usual. I love the pics of Maddie. She is not what I expected, I was thinking that she was going to be smaller. She looks so cute and congrats on improving the quality of her life.

  10. Kristi S

    May 13, 2008 at 12:39 PM

    Awesome column as usual and thanks for finally posting the pics. She is adorable!

  11. Mary

    May 13, 2008 at 12:42 PM

    Are Charlie O’Connell and Sarah not together anymore?

    Did you see the stuffed monkey that Matt was carrying with the framed picture Shayne gave him? I’d bet my life that they’re gonna play up that monkey shit on the Ellen show. Great recap once again! And by the way, I LOVED Chelsea’s dress and thought she looked fantabulous!

  12. Shannon

    May 13, 2008 at 12:43 PM

    Hi Steve,

    I have been reading your recaps for a few seasons now and really look forward to Tuesday mornings to read your interpretations! I almost always agree (except Brad was a jerk!) with you and have today as well. Matt and Shayne are both cute, young and hot for each other which translates into lots of fun but not really marriage.

    Your dog is really lovable looking. I really like the picture of both of you…a very nice couple! :) I am looking forward to another Bachelorette season and reading about it the day after!

    Take care…

  13. M

    May 13, 2008 at 1:24 PM

    Charlie and Sarah are not together any more, to answer Mary’s question.

    Great column, Steve. It downloaaded with some funny little symbols; maybe you can take a look-see.

    Look forward to your comments on DeAnna’s season.

  14. J

    May 13, 2008 at 1:53 PM

    Was there ever any doubt as to who he was going to pick? I loved when Chelsea was dissing her saying she was the phoniest person there. Matt is only interested in his show business career, and so is she. But, that’s ok I guess. They will both have a great time being the new “it” couple, and they do look very good together.

    Who’s house was that in London. OMG! It was beautiful! I don’t think it was his parents because his mother had her pocketbook on her arm when they were seated at the table, and I doubt she would have if it were her home (unless she didn’t trust the American camera crew!) Maybe it was his brothers.

  15. Peggy

    May 13, 2008 at 1:54 PM

    Great column, great recap. But I don’t understand how you were surprised at the proposal to Shayne. When they promo’ed Matt’s proposal a couple of weeks before, they didn’t show the woman’s face, but they did show a closeup of the hand, in particular, the woman’s thumb with white nail polish. And the thumb was shaped short and wide. No way was that Chelsea’s hand, as her fingers are long and slender.

  16. Tracey

    May 13, 2008 at 2:48 PM

    As always, great recap – entertaining!
    I see from People.com that Shayne has a 6 page spread in Girls Gone Wild!! True classy colours are now coming out.
    Thanx for posting pics of Maddie. She is very adorable and lucky to have you!

  17. Wendy

    May 13, 2008 at 2:56 PM

    OMG!!!! You and Maddie are adorable! She’s super cute, but I think I might like you better!! Loved the column, even though all the quotes and parentheses were screwing with my eyes. That was really tough to read! But I got through it because you’re soooooo funny. Can’t wait til DeAnnas season starts. Have a great week!

    –W

  18. Sarah

    May 13, 2008 at 3:17 PM

    Your dog is so cute! Reminds me of the dog I had growing up. Great column, as usual. I hated the “monkey” during the proposal too. I’ll read faithfully during the Deanna season as well!

  19. Janny

    May 13, 2008 at 4:20 PM

    Peggy…I agree…also, the promos showed the girl’s arm with a WIDE sparkly bracelet on…Chelsea’s was skinny…I noticed in later promos they didn’t show that scene…probably because the message boards were full of speculation like ours.

  20. Tara From Texas

    May 13, 2008 at 5:40 PM

    Maddie is a sweet pea! This *was* the Maddie season. Maybe she’s destined to meet and fall in doggie love with a dog whose breed is English.

    OK, I am a nerd, but how the hell do you know all this backstory on the Bachelors from seasons past? Is it US Weekly? Damn, I need to renew that subscription.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  21. Jill

    May 13, 2008 at 5:43 PM

    Hi Maddie! Steve– She’s adorable. Congrats on choosing her from the Humane Society. I showed Maddie’s pics to my weiner dog Jake and I think he has a crush!

  22. Tara From Texas

    May 13, 2008 at 5:43 PM

    Oh, and there’s this: Check out the last item on the Loose Lips column from today’s Jezebel:

    http://jezebel.com/390157/loose-lips#viewcomments

    Steve, you knew that was coming for her…

  23. Caryn

    May 13, 2008 at 7:19 PM

    I call my 2 yr old daughter “monkey”. This season has gotten me to start rethinking that…
    Maddie is too cute. Take her to play at a dog park. You might meet that special someone worthy of your 5-yrs-in-the-making proposal. :)

  24. Anita

    May 13, 2008 at 9:02 PM

    What a great recap…. I too was sitting at home thinking, wowo Matt’s brother sure got the bad genes, I even wondered for a moment if they had flew him in as a stand in. When it first started, they said he was from a big family, and that was the only guy they could scrape up?

    Also I thought Chelsea’s dress was like lingerie, certainly not for public, and on a windy day no doubt.

    I disagree about your assertion that Shayne and Matt will part ways, I think she and he both will milk this for all that it is worth.. It may be another $2 million wedding for ABC..

    Also it was the first time in Bachelor history that the guy had to defend his choice, he looked pretty pissed off when Chelesa starting dogging Shayne on the way out.

    Look forward to reading about Deanna’s adventures.

  25. Wendy

    May 14, 2008 at 12:10 AM

    Hi Steve,

    How are you writer extraodinaire?

    I have to agree with the other Wendy poster, both you and Maddie are cute, you being the hotter one, of course. lol…..That is great you and Maddie’s lives are richer because of each other. The love from a pet is fabulous and it’s great because studies have shown you live longer (due to less stress) having a pet and that means you’ll provide us with a lot more hilarious columns in years ahead Steve! I look forward to your column every week. It brightens my Tuesdays and if I need a laugh during the day I just have to think back to something you’ve written.

    Onto Bachelor, I completely agree with your assessment. I was hoping Matt would pick Chelsea and really thought he would since Shayne/Monkey got so much air time throughout the season. Usually the Bachelor endings don’t surprise me at all. The only other thing that did surprise last night was Matt outing the Monkey during his ‘speech’ before his ”romantic” proposal (lol) about being a good LOVER, or something to that effect. Does that mean he also got into some serious “monkey business” with Chelsea? Just how many did the British “Don Juan” Bachelor poke his stick with??? Hope they all ran to the STD clinics to get tested post show. Maybe that’s why there was no ATR show.

    Well onto DeAnna’s season, blink, blink, blink. It’s fun to watch the men battle it out. If it’s dull, I know you’re column will keep her season exciting.

    All the best to you and Maddie Steve. :)

  26. Julie in LA

    May 14, 2008 at 1:23 AM

    Hi Steve,
    I always enjoy your recaps–can’t wait for next week! (Easy for me to say).

    But Maddie’s the highlight–what an adorable dog. That’s great that you’ve given her such a good home–she certainly looks loved and happy! Thanks for sharing the pictures–I hope we’ll see lots more!

  27. Katherine

    May 14, 2008 at 10:54 AM

    Maddie is so cute! She really was the highlight of the season.

    Like someone above, I really thought that Chelsea was going to be chosen (not that I particularly care). Shayne got way too much air time. Can’t wait for the Bachelorette to start to read your recaps!

  28. eva

    May 14, 2008 at 11:38 AM

    Anita…did you notice how Chelsea let her dress blow free when she first walked to Matt and then after she was clutching it to keep it closed? I keep thinking of LOLA song “with yellow feathers in her hair, and her dress cut up to there…”

  29. MJ

    May 14, 2008 at 12:06 PM

    I thought Matt called her “monkey” because he just couldn’t remember which girl she was and kept forgetting her name…

    LOVE the photo of you and Maddy! I just adopted, too. Every pet lover shoud!

  30. Mary

    May 14, 2008 at 1:57 PM

    Thanks for showing Maddie to us. She’s a doll. I am thrilled that you adopted her and are giving her a great home. (For all you folks looking for a great pet, go to Petfinder.com to see all the great ones in shelters who desperately need homes.) I am the proud mother to 4 rescued dogs, so I know the love you feel for her. On to the show, I agree with your thoughts on why this match up seems so fake. Since ABC is dying to shove a successful relationship in our face, why aren’t they hosting a show to promote the relationship? Why rush to Deanna’s season so fast??

  31. Lindsey

    May 14, 2008 at 5:25 PM

    Hey! Absolutely love your blog. Can’t wait to see what you have to say about DD and her guys. You should check out Chelsea’s Diary of the Departed on ABC. She has some very interesting things to say about Bachelor Matt. I’m guessing she won’t be invited to the “wedding.” wink wink. Thinking that Matt and Shayne must have made Papa Fleiss mad somehow in order for them to post such uncomplimentary things about their newest supercouple.

  32. mj

    May 14, 2008 at 6:15 PM

    Maddie is adorable! Dogs truly are man’s best friend!

    I think Monkey is British for bimbo!

  33. CW

    May 14, 2008 at 9:46 PM

    The dog is adorable!!!

  34. Spiffy

    May 15, 2008 at 1:01 AM

    Come on, you guys, you know it sure felt like they found a soul mate in the other. I know Matt was quite smitten. Shayne on the other hand, was one good actress with a heck of a writer if she was acting….

    It does seem too good to be true, doesn’t it? I mean, how many times do people really “click” like that?

    If they are for real, I think they will get married in about a year and a half. You don’t find your soul mate that often in life.

  35. Ann Rose

    May 15, 2008 at 5:13 AM

    I’m certain that true love was found during this season of The Bachelor, though it all happened here on your blog. Glad to see you’ve found a canine soulmate, and Maddie appears to be confident and happy in your photos. I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts on DeAnna’s season and getting a guy’s perspective on all of the “suitors”.

  36. Janet

    May 15, 2008 at 6:53 AM

    Thanks for the recap. I missed the final show and was wondering if he would choose the skanky girl. Usually they choose the one that doesn’t slobber on them that much. I think it will be another month before we get the announcement that they broke it off. BooHoo.

    Maddie is cute! Give her a virtual hug from me.

  37. LN

    May 17, 2008 at 10:16 PM

    Love your recap, as always. It is the bright spot of my week.

    If you ever want to practice that proposal just let me know. Is it wrong that I have fantasies of you packing up your TV and Maddie and moving to Canada? I’ve got a vacant spot on the couch right beside me.

  38. JAN

    May 20, 2008 at 7:18 AM

    Steve you look GREAT!

  39. Marisa

    May 21, 2008 at 5:51 PM

    Why isn’t Maddie smiling in any of the pictures?

  40. Sungoddess

    May 22, 2008 at 10:36 AM

    Awww she is so cute and I think you two are perfect together! She sure beats the hell outta a few of those women on this last season! Pretty soon she will be trained to help you critique these 2 shows, bring you a beer without biting a hole out of it, sing much better than those weirdo girls and will become the hottest Entertainment “Lady/Dog ” to hit the airwaves.
    We need a Bachlorete canine show! Maddie is my first pick.

    Ciao!
    Sun

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