-A few things to get to before getting started. The most important thing that happened this weekend was of course my birthday. Duh. That’s the most important thing every year on May 31st, right? Of course it is. Anyway, I was having a conversation with a friend/mistress/lover/acquaintence/associate/person of interest this past weekend, and the topic of my age came up. 33 is considered your “early 30’s” right? I figure it breaks down like this:
-When you’re 30, people say you’re 30.
-When you’re between 31-33, you’re in your “early 30’s”.
-When you’re between 34-36, you’re in your “mid 30’s”.
-When you’re between 37-39, you’re in your “late 30’s”.
Please tell me I’m right on this so I don’t have to say I’m in my mid 30’s. If 33 is considered “mid 30’s”, then I will not be in a good mood until my next birthday, when it would be officialy in my book. So please, humor me. Even lie to me if you have to. Can you have mid life crisis’ in your 30’s? Lets hope not.
-As some of you may be aware, VH1 acquired the rights to the “Bachleor” franchise, and starting this past Sunday, they are running the first 7 seasons over the next 7 days. Alex was Sunday, Aaron was yesterday, Trista is today (including Trista and Ryans 3 episode wedding show), Firestone is tomorrow, Bob is Thursday, Jesse is Friday, and Byron is Saturday. I don’t know when they’re going to run the remaining seasons, but that’s the schedule for this week for those that are interested. I purposely stayed away from that channel Sunday for fear of getting sucked in and spending the day watching all of season 1. Remember, I’ve never seen Alex or Aaron’s season. I started on Trista’s season. But of course, I had to check out at least some of Alex’s season, and I watched the last 5 minutes of his first rose ceremony. Holy gay parade, Batman. Alex was a little light in the loafers no doubt. And I didn’t really remember which chick he ended up with until they were showing all the girls talking about him and this blonde girl Amanda from Kansas with the giant rack came across the screen, and I remembered she looked familiar. Well, she didn’t, but her breasts did. I think that’s why they broke up. She had breasts.
-So last week, DeAnna gave us her “5 year plan” telling one of the guys that she expects to be married with one kid and a 2nd on the way. I thought that was pretty bold of her since who can predict that sort of thing? And that seems to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. I also that DeAnna’s comment reminded me of our favorite timeline girl, Lisa from Lorenzo’s season. You remember her, right? Got the first impression rose after hugging the tree, tried on a wedding dress during the hometown date, had bridal magazines sprawled out on the coffee table for Lorenzo to see, and also had a timeline of her own which consisted of being engaged within a year, married within two, and kids within 5. Or something to that effect. Well, Lisa has been nice enough to join us this week and give us an update on what life has been like since the show after ABC refused to update us during their “Where Are They Now?” episode. Has her timeline been met? How’s her dating life been? And most importantly, what was the deal with Lorenzo? Lisa, take it away…..
Hi RealitySteve Readers,
I actually was asked to be on the “Where Are They Now” episode earlier this spring but was unable to attend as I was out of the country. That being said, I am happy to oblige my friend Steve and provide you all with an update on my life 2 years post-show.
DeAnna totally stole my line. And are the bloggers freaking out about her the same way that they attacked me for my timeline? I don’t think so. And she even wanted to be specifically prego in 5 years with number 2? That is WAY more specific than my timeline. Basically my timeline has been thrown out the window. I would just like to meet someone someday soonish, fall in love and live happily ever after. Who knows, maybe I have already met him and just don’t know it yet.
The girls from my season and I have had a couple of reunion weekends and Lorenzo even joined us once! We went to Aspen, Las Vegas (with Lorenzo and some of his friends), and this winter we went to New York. We are currently planning a three or four-day cruise out of Florida. It is pretty amazing that we all get along so well now. It is kind of like a sorority. You share this experience with these other women and it really forms a bond between you all. Most of our weekend trips have been pretty low on drama – expect for the occasional freak out usually due to hunger or exhaustion from too much partying the night before. Erica and I have remained close and we attended the Midsummer Night’s Eve party at the Playboy Mansion last summer!
As for my dating life… I was dating a great guy for about a year but ended things last fall. It’s somewhat complicated but he just wasn’t the one. Since then I have been on somewhat of a dating rollercoaster. I keep meeting guys that end up being crazy. I swear that it is them and
not me. My adventures in dating could be turned into a movie. The good news is that I am having a blast and there are a couple of prospects that I am pretty excited about. I just hope that they don’t watch the VHI re-runs. I’ll keep you posted.
-I told you last week I was working on something for the site that I hoped would come through. Well, it’s official. I will be conducting a phone interview later this week with Chelsea from this past season of the “Bachelor”. Chelsea was left standing as you know after Matt decided to pick Shayne for whatever reason. Maybe some of you have seen exit interviews with Chelsea online since the show ended or read articles about her. Maybe you haven’t. Just know that this interview will be completely different than anything you’ve seen so far. Those were PC interviews. She took the high road. Well, I spoke with Chelsea last week and she’s ready to spill the beans only to Realitysteve.com! This is definitely an exclusive and you might want to tell everyone you know who watches the show to listen to this interview. You think you know what happened with Matt and Shayne? You have absolutely no idea. She will blow the doors off what goes on when the camera isn’t rolling. Definitely about as juicy of an interview you’ll hear regarding this show. I don’t want to spoil it just yet, but just know it’s going to be really good. I’ll let Chelsea tell you everything. The interview will either be done tonight, or Wednesday. Just waiting to hear back. So check back to the site in the next couple days for updates. She pretty much confirms everything I’ve ever thought about this show and have been trying to preach to you for years. Pretty much all of it is staged.
-And one final note as I’d like to get this off my chest. Congratulations to “Sex and the City” for raking in $55 million over the weekend becoming the #1 movie in America. It far exceeded critics expectations in terms of money made. Of course, that’s because critics are idiots. C’mon. Like that movie didn’t have every single female in America flocking to the movies this past weekend. Don’t believe me? It said today that 85% of ticket buyers were female. 85%!!!! For one stinkin’ movie!!! Unbelievable. But hey, those producers knew exactly what they were doing. The minute they announced that movie was coming, women started talking about this. For some reason, their lives revolve around everything Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte wear and do. Women actually think that’s how “life in the big city” really is and now it makes them think all of their boyfriends are cheating on them. Sickening. So with that said, I applaud you 85% women who went and saw that this weekend. As for the 15% male audience it received? All your balls should be sliced off with a chainsaw. “Because my wife/girlfriend dragged me to it” is not nearly a good enough excuse for any male to see that flick. None whatsoever. Onto last night….
-I guess we can assume that we are going to get the Brad montage every time the show opens. So now I’ll have to keep an eye out for the first time that DeAnna mentions her dumping within the show or else this game won’t be any fun since the Brad reference will happen within the first five seconds of every show. The show begins with Host Chris coming in and telling the guys about date boxes. Graham, Paul, and Jeremy will be moving into the mansion since they all received roses last week. So as the guys move into the mansion, the remaining nine talk about them. Once again, the conversation revolves around Jeremy. Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert: “Jeremy’s rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t think he’s the right guy for her.” I understand that Jeremy’s gotten two roses so far and has spent no time in the outhouse, and to the rest of the guys he’s considered the front runner, but why does it seem like every guy has a hard on for him? Let it go. You’ll get your turn. DeAnna doesn’t pick him anyway. I think guys would spend a little less time worrying about themselves and less about Jeremy….(cough, cough, Ron, cough, cough)….the world would be a better place. Or at least the outhouse would be. And I noticed that Host Chris is starting to dress like every single guy on the show. Just waiting for him to walk in with a hat or a cap on next.
-The first solo date goes to our resident science geek Richard. Needless to say, his beaker is going crazy in his pants right now. A girl wants to talk to him. A limo picks the two of them up and takes them to the top of a building in downtown L.A. In the limo, Richard asks DeAnna exactly what I’m asking myself, “How come I got the lucky invite tonight?” DeAnna: “I don’t know.” Great answer, D. Very reassuring. But at least you’re being honest. Well, I guess honesty would’ve been, “Because ABC told me to give you one.” So after getting to the top of a building and looking at other tall buildings (wow, some date), it’s time for these two to start interacting and getting to know each other. DeAnna makes it clear to the viewers that she picked Richard for the date tonight to see if there was a romantic connection or she just saw him as a friend. Uh oh. The dreaded friend line. She asks him what the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a girl was. After five seconds of silence, Richard breaks out the ol’ “Planned a picnic overlooking the Ontario Lake and watched the stars” card. Take it from Mr. Romance here when I say that’s not really that romantic. Why? Because everyone’s done a picnic at some point. I mean, it’s thoughtful and all. Just not very original and romantic. Plus, I think Richard made it up anyway. Why do I say this? Because of what we find out later about Richard.
-DeAnna however thinks its really romantic but tells him she’s always wished she could see a shooting star since she never has. It’s at this point in the conversation where Richard stops trying to get in her pants and goes into full science nerd mode. He probably should’ve put on his goggles and lab coat when he told her, “A shooting star has nothing to do with a star at all.” I’m gonna help Richard out here a second. Buddy, anytime science is brought up on a date, consider it failing. Unless you’re dating another science nerd, no female wants anything scientifically broken down for them while being woo’ed. Unless you’re explaining the science behind how the male and female mate. That’s the science card that I always go for. Explaining how making babies with me would be so awesome. And worthwhile. Usually they are down for that stuff. And usually they’re about .23 at the time. Never fails.
-Their next interesting topic of discussion is Richards job. Not so much the science behind it, but rather the thing that women most care about – how much he makes. Richard: “The passion for what I do is bigger than my income.” You can say that again. You mean science teachers aren’t raking in six figures? However, DeAnna is not fazed by this at all. “I would much rather be with a guy who loves what he does, than just one who does something because it makes him a lot of money.” I think anyone with half a brain saw that line coming from a mile away. What else is she gonna say? “Really? You make peanuts? Man, that sucks. Why don’t you get a job that pays better? It’ll be much more fulfilling.” Yeah, not really an option at that point. Making fun of the guys job on a solo date probably wouldn’t have been the smartest thing to do. Especially with Richard. Why? Well, then this came out of his mouth when DeAnna asked him what his parents thought of his ex-girlfriends. Richard: “I’ve never brought somebody home to meet my parents.” Translation: I’ve never seen or felt boobies before. This date is not going to end well for good ol’ Richie.
-So in one final attempt to see if Richard is remotely compatible with a woman that doesn’t need to be blown up, he and DeAnna take a horse carriage ride around the streets of L.A. I liked this ride for one reason: They stopped in front of the L.A. Philharmonic auditorium downtown. Not that I care what happens inside of that building, it just reminded me of Season 6 of “24” when they blew up a bus in front of that building in the first 3 minutes of the season. Those damn suicide bombers. Wait a second. Was I allowed to write that? Isn’t Big Brother monitoring all emails and texts looking for words that might spark some sort of terrorist attack? Yikes. Well, you know if I don’t have a column up next week, it’ll be because I was arrested for typing the words “s u i c i d e”, “b o m b e r s”, and “t e r r o r i s t” within three sentences of each other. Anyway, here’s DeAnna’s take on the whole horse carriage ride as she lets Richard down easy. Sort of. “You have all these great qualities I’m looking for, but I think that what I need to find in a husband, I didn’t have with you.” So with that, DeAnna doesn’t offer Richard a rose and the taxi which was trailing them in the background during the whole carriage ride, is ready to take him away. DeAnna is very broken up about this. Why? Let her tell you. “I know what it feels like. But I just can’t make the same mistake Brad did.” Yessssssss!!!!!! 26 minutes into the show and we get our first “Brad dumped me. Woe is me” comment. If this chick ever plans on settling down and having a future with someone, she might want to take down all the Brad Womack posters in her room.
-Next up is the group date for everyone that’s not named Richard or Jason since Jason received the other solo date for the night. This date consisted of all the guys being given cowboy gear as they were dun’ fixin’ do to some ol’ country bumpkin’ stuff. I’ve noticed that anytime DeAnna references the fact she’s from the South, or talks about anything Southern, her accent gets thicker. She tells the boys when they arrive at some barnyard, “We’re fixin’ to do some line dancing.” Great. I’ve lived in Texas almost two years now. The last thing I would consider myself is from the South. And I’d like you to know that in my time here, I have yet to say “Y’all”, or that I was “fixin’ to do” something. Feel free to shoot me if I do. Another guy who won’t be uttering those phrases anytime soon? Fred from Chick-aaaaa-go. Fred: “Aye-m a city gay. Aye-m from da’ hairt of Chick-aaaaa-go.” I don’t think Fred was necessarily in his element during this dog and pony show that they called line dancing. In fact, none of them were. Elaine from “Seinfeld” had more rhythm than these clowns as they all tried desperately to line dance. It did not go well whatsoever. I’m pretty sure someone injured themselves at some point. I sprained my eyeballs just watching it. Could they have possibly found 10 more uncoordinated guys than this group? Having all of them arrive on a short, yellow bus would’ve seemed more appropriate.
-After the horror that was line dancing, it was time to ride the mechanical bull. If I’m not mistaken, the last time we saw this was during Andy Baldwins season. It was much more watchable then since we got to see a bunch of chicks slowly get off to something mechanical. Good stuff. This time? Not so much. Sorry, but Ron the divorcee trying to ride a bull really doesn’t get my blood boiling. Jesse lasted the longest on the bull and thats probably because he was completely baked. Have you noticed Jesse’s nose bears a striking resemblance to Owen Wilson’s? They both look like they’ve broken about four times. Look for that next time he’s on camera. But now, it’s DeAnna’s turn to ride the bull. For a second, I was hoping they’d have a cut out picture of Brad on the bull’s face just so she could finally get what she wants, but it didn’t happen. She wanted to play a trick on the guys by falling off and pretending she was hurt. And based on who came running toward her immediately, she’d give them a rose. At least DeAnna isn’t very needy at all. She falls, Jesse is the first to give her attention, so he gets a rose. Although the best part about the whole thing was the guys who didn’t come running. Not only did Ron the divorcee not even move a muscle, the dude still had his mug of beer in his hand. I gotta give Ron credit. Not seeing if your lady is o.k. because you weren’t done with your beer yet is pretty commendable. I can’t imagine why that guys previous marriage never worked out.
-Skip to nighttime and it’s time for “Fireside singing with Twilley the completely obnoxious and over acting dweeb”. As everyone is sitting around the campfire, he tells them to repeat after him. He’s got a song. And boy does it suck. “Goin’ on a lion hunt…..I’m not afraid…..I got my gun…..Boom!!!!” Yep. That’s it. Twilley has outdone himself yet again. He’s officially the “guy that tries way too hard for attention”. That was awful, sir. Sit down and shutup. Let the other guys make asses of themselves. Like Ron. It’s now time for the Ron vs. Jeremy battle to commence. Ron has a hard on for Jeremy. And if that isn’t a play on words, I don’t know what is. You know, because Ron Jeremy has the biggest dong in the world. Anyway, Ron and DeAnna get some alone time, and DeAnna confronts him about calling out Jeremy because he’s gotten two roses. Ron tells her, “I’m a guy’s guy. Iron sharpens iron.” I think he was basically calling Jeremy gay. I’ve never told a woman that “iron sharpens iron” before, so I can’t really relate. But I think he was trying to make himself seem like he cuts down giant trees with his bare hands while Jeremy likes taking bubble baths and going to the “Sex and the City” premiere. I think. Then Ron basically tells DeAnna to shut up. “My issue is between he and I and is not part of your process.” Ron, are you actually trying to get booted off the show? Cuz’ you’re doing a hell of a job. Who says that to the woman he’s supposed to try and win over? Why not just tell her she looks ugly? And that her blinking seizures bother the piss out of you?
-Speaking of pissing, Jeremy is none too pleased to be responding to Ron. “I’m not here to have a pissing match with Ron. I’m here for DeAnna.” This all came after Ron tells Jeremy after returning from his time with DeAnna “You lack something. There’s a level of tact that’s missing.” Can’t we all just get along? So maybe Jeremy likes sponging with a loofah, doesn’t mean we all have to make fun of him now, does it? What a somber mood that campfire was. Everyone just bickering at each other. So Fred and Graham take it upon themselves to leave the campfire from hell, and go find DeAnna. She’s talking with Jeremy who’s crying on her shoulder because all the other kids are laughing at him. Graham and Fred bust in on them, sending Jeremy away so they can get alone time. I don’t really remember much that was said other than it was said in a thick, Chicago accent as he was downing a nice, fat, bratwurst from Ditka’s restaurant. Or something like that. Fred could fit right into the “Bearsssssss” SNL skit if he just tried. Who knows? Maybe he was one of them. Whatever the case, he sure is entertaining to listen to. I never cheer for any of the people on these shows because I could care less who goes far and who does well. But I enjoy Fred’s company. He and I should get together and go bowling sometime. He’s not long for this show, but he still seems like a decent guy. Here’s to you Freddie. Even if you don’t make it to the final four. Which he doesn’t.
-One guy who isn’t feelin’ the campfire love is “Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert”. He’s kinda down in the dumps. He tells the rest of the guys that if he doesn’t get any alone time with DeAnna, he may just off himself. Or burn himself with a spatula. Actually, he’s basically just whining she hasn’t talked to him yet. Well, whaddya’ know? Here comes DeAnna to take Robert away because she feels “something’s wrong”. The Chef tells her like it is: “Chemistry is a two-way street. And I haven’t seen that since the first night.” Apparently that line did the trick because at the end of the night, she gave the Chef the rose so he’s safe for the night. Boy, does that make him giddy. “Bobby boy’s movin’ up to the big house, baby!” Ok, if it wasn’t bad enough last week this guy was wearing a pink shirt. If it wasn’t bad enough that he popped his collar on that pink shirt. Now he’s referring to himself in the third person as “Bobby boy”? So yeah, I pretty much think this guy’s a douche to the highest degree. And yes, later on in the show he’s popping his collar yet again. Anyway, to send us out of this miserable campfire date, all the guys sing “Home on the Range” to DeAnna so poorly, it made Maddie start howling. Thanks a lot guys. You have no idea how excited I was to see Maddie yesterday after I got back from my trip. I realized how much I missed her when her snoring last night didn’t bother me in the least. Hell, she’s on the bed right now still snoring away. Can I give her some airstrips to put on her nose for that?
-Now it’s time for Jason’s solo date. I find it funny that both guys with solo dates this episodes, Richard and Jason, both wore the exact same outfit: Blazer, long sleeve dress shirt, and jeans. But outside of Jesse, I think that’s pretty much the look all these guys go for. In fact, that’s probably what I would’ve worn out on the date, so forget it. I don’t know where I was going with that other than I could fit right in on this show. Well, except I’m not gay. Couple of these douches have me beat there. So Jason and DeAnna get picked up by helicopter and taken to the Mt. Wilson observatory to have dinner, look at stars, and plant the seed for Jason and her to live happily ever after. Over dinner, Jason reveals he has a 3 year old son named Ty. DeAnna isn’t put off by it at all. And then Jason lays it on thick. He shows her pictures of Ty, says he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, he loves reading a book and snuggling with him at night. I mean, if those weren’t panty dropper lines, I don’t know what was. I’m sure it’s all true, but let’s be honest, he knew he score points telling her that. Most guys would. He had an interesting answer when asked about his marriage. “We dated for five years, and were married for two. Before he was one, she went in a different direction.” Hmmmm….wonder what that means? If Jason has custody, she must’ve royally f’ed up. I need to find out these things.
-So Jason and DeAnna get into even more deep conversation as he asks her about her mother who died when she was young. I think Jason has racked up about 10,000 points on this date. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he’s the final one just based on this date alone. I think I’ll need to re-arrange my final four also considering this guy’s a shoe-in for that. She’s eating all of this up. DeAnna: “In 26 years, I’ve never dated a guy that cared to know anything about my mother.” Ok, that’s it. Just crown him the winner right now. I’m serious. If she’s got no problem with the fact he has a kid, which she claims she doesn’t, and ABC isn’t pulling some ridiculous editing job on us, then she’s going to pick him. I think this date pretty much laid the ground work for these two. There’s no other guy in the house that’s she spoken remotely this serious about. Not even close. Jeremy is a complete fairy compared to this guy. His wussiness will prevent him from being the final guy. Yes, wussiness is now a word. So now it’s off to the big, giant telescope for these two to look at stars. Maybe not seem important now, but it will later. However, I think Richard and Jason should’ve been given each others dates. Don’t you think Richard would’ve just creamed himself getting to look through the giant telescope? He’d have been like a kid in a candy store. Jason could’ve told her his Ty story over dinner on top of the building in downtown. ABC messed that one up. And oh yeah, to end the night, Jason asked if he could kiss her. She said yes. Then removed her panties. Needless to say, Jason got a rose.
-Time for DeAnna to take the remaining 11 guys to meet her new best friend, Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen sits the guys down and begins grilling them. First asking them to each answer, “What’s the best thing about DeAnna?”. All the guys gave some sort of suck up answer. “Makes me smile”, “good heart”, “feel special around her”, blah blah blah. Next question. “Who’s kissed her?” Graham, Jason, and Jeremy raise their hand. Next question. “Who’s had the longest relationship here? Who’s had the shortest?” Well, Mr. Sunshine Ron was married for 12 years. Graham reveals to us his longest relationship ever, in all the time he’s been on this planet, has been 5 months. Ummmm, really? 5 months, Graham? You’re serious? You probably don’t want to be admitting that to someone is looking for a husband. Kinda hard to expect her to marry a guy who’s never been in a long relationship before, can you? I’ll make a prediction right now. And I’m really going out on a limb here: Graham is not the final one. I know, I know. Sounds crazy. But this woman has a timeline to live up to. She needs to be married with 2 kids within the next 5 years. You think she’s gonna get that dilly dallying around with Graham and his commitment issues? Please. She’s got eggs that need to be fertilized. Pronto!
-After meeting with the guys, Ellen helps handicap some of the guys for DeAnna. “Graham is definitely scared. You need to have a talk with that boy and get him to open up. Communication is key and I don’t think this guy has it. Portia and I talk all the time about what kinky girly things we’re going to do to each other.” Portia de Rossi and Ellen. I thought the lipstick lesbians liked being with other lipstick lesbians? That one I’ll never understand. Ellen also tells DeAnna that Jeremy is “the most ready”. The most ready for what? A sex change? Taking a knitting class? A day at the spa wearing cucumbers on his eyes? She also tells her that Jesse is the “most fun”. And by that, she meant “it’ll be non-stop laughs and giggles when he’s sparking up in the house. That guy will be a riot. Be sure to have your pantry stocked with Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, and Doritos.” I found it rather odd that Ellen was helping DeAnna with men. I mean, cuz’ we all know what an expert Ellen is on that subject. What’s with these two’s relationship anyway? Just because she got dumped, Ellen felt bad for her and basically was the driving force to her being cast as the “Bachelorette”? I don’t get it.
-One last thing for Ellen to prove to us how adept she is in the men department. She’s giving out today’s rose and basing it on everything she’s seen and heard thus far. And one final judgment: Seeing all the guys wearing their “Ellen” boxers. Very clever. Yet another thing Ellen has zero expertise on: a man’s junk. Here’s my theory on why women like Ellen. She’s non-threatening. Same reason why women like Katie Couric. If Katie Couric had the exact same career path she’s had up to this point, but the whole time was a 6 foot blonde with 36 D’s that showed her cleavage on every broadcast, women would hate her. Women like women they don’t feel intimidated by. “Dancing with the Stars” is a good example. Why do men always win that show? Because it’s voted on by 95% women. And women don’t like women. Not all, but most. You’re telling me Stacy Kiebler wasn’t a better dancer than Jerry Rice? Please. Women didn’t vote for her. You’re telling me women liked Scary Spice’s sexuality and attitude? Please. So why did Kristi Yamaguchi? For the exact reason I just gave you. She’s non-threatening. She doesn’t exude any sexuality next door. Kristi Yamaguchi is gummy bears, cotton candy, and potpourri all rolled into one. It’s easy for women to relate to her because she’s so nice and dainty. I don’t even really know what the definition of “dainty” is, but it sounded good. Anyway, that’s my time-tested theory. Don’t try and disprove it. Oh yeah, Fred got the rose from Ellen. His reaction? “Aye-bsolutely feels great. Huge shaaack. Huge shaaack.”
-Time for the cocktail party so these guys can make their final impressions. First up, Ron the cliche machine who was once divorced. He’s already given us, “Iron sharpens iron”, I wonder what he has in store for us now? Ron: “When I woke up this morning, I said to myself, ‘You know what? I don’t think she’s my type of girl?’ But after hearing what you had to say about opening up, I definitely got a case of the ‘Deions’. If you want to keep me around, I want to stay.” Hey Ron, what exactly is a “case of the Deions”? Her name is DeAnna. You really f’ed that one up. I can see where you were going, but it failed miserably. And did you really need to tell her that less than 24 hours ago, you didn’t think she was your type? I couldn’t think of an easier way to secure yourself of not getting a rose than what Ron just did. Well, other than walking around the house talking about another guy the whole time. Oh wait, he’s done that too. Yeah, Ron still seems to be a little bitter from his divorce. Let it go, Ronnie.
-Hey, what a surprise! Jeremy comes in and steals DeAnna away from Ron. I thought he didn’t want any more pissing matches? Anyway, Jeremy asks DeAnna a very important question. “Is Dallas a place you’d ever consider moving to?” Hmmmm….great question. Why don’t I take the time to answer that for any ladies pondering that question as well? Yes. It is. Because Jeremy lives here. And me. Shouldn’t that be a good enough reason? Here’s how I’ll break it down for you: If you move here, you can shop at one of our gazillion malls all within about a 5 mile radius of each other, you can live in a house twice as big for what you have now for dirt cheap, and you can eat at any chain restaurant known to mankind as there seems to be one on every block. And oh yeah, you can pretend you’re in L.A. or Vegas and go to the Ghost Bar in the downtown W hotel and hang out with the rest of those pretentious a-holes. And for historical perspective, you can go take the tour of where JFK was shot. if you like shopping, eating, and living in a giant house for cheap, Dallas is the place for you. Geez. I should be the mayor of this freakin’ city with my wealth of knowledge. Don’t mind the 105 degree temperatures from June – August. You’ll get over it. I’m sure there are other fabulous things that I’m overlooking, but those are the basics. Golf too. There’s 1 billion golf courses in this city which suits me just fine. Don’t mess with Texas.
-Time for Graham to turn into a wuss. Happens every single season on cue. There’s always that one person who’s bothered by the fact that the woman, or man, that they’re dating, is also dating everyone else in the house. Why people are put off by this, or let this bother them, is beyond me. If it’s that much of an issue, you probably shouldn’t go on the show. Because you know what? It’s going to happen. DeAnna may tongue wrestle you on the beach one day, but just know the next day, she’s playing tonsil hockey with the guy who sleeps right next to you. Graham, you seem bothered by all this. Well, DeAnna isn’t sold on you just yet anyway. “Have you dated enough to know what you want?” Ummmm, that would be a big, fat “no”. Unless you consider a one time, 5 month relationship as being “experienced”. Television seasons last longer than 5 months, Graham. And don’t blame it on the fact that you’ve moved all around. Not a good enough excuse. There are tons of people that have moved around and could carry a relationship longer than that. Whatever the case, Graham lets DeAnna know he’s not that thrilled with her and other guys, but he likes her and wants to see it work. Then they plant one of the more awkward kisses I’ve ever seen. She’s kissing him, she opens her eyes, his are still closed, she pulls away, he’s still kissing….it was a giant clusterf**k. Yet DeAnna somehow thought the kiss was amazing. Weird.
-Even though Jason is safe, she pulls him aside for some alone time because she has something to give him that’s all rolled up in her hand. No, it’s not her panties. I’m sure that came later. As did Jason. No, what she has is a scroll that says she has named a star after his son Ty. Ok, quick recap to what these two accomplished tonight: She wasn’t bothered he had a kid, she melted when he asked her about her mother who’s been dead for years, and now she named a star after his son? Ummmm, check please? Turn out the lights, the party’s over. I’m just sayin’. And how in the hell can DeAnna Marie Pappas from Georgia all the sudden start naming stars after people? Does ABC have pull with the Solar System or something? Can I go get a star named after myself? Or how about naming a star after my unit, Krull the Warrior King? It’s fascinating what DeAnna is able to do. She can now just name stars because she feels like it? Now, I didn’t write down the coordinates, so I have no idea where star Ty is, but hey, it’s out there. I guess I was wrong about DeAnna falling for a guy with a kid who lives halfway across the country. I just am kinda confused considering she said how close she is to her family and doesn’t want to move far away. Dallas? Yes. Freakin’ Seattle? From Georgia? I’m guessing no. We’ll see.
-Ok, so Host Chris takes DeAnna into the deliberation room and kills the next 10 minutes since this is a 2 hour show. They needed to fill with something. All he does is ask her opinion on some of the guys, and she doesn’t say anything that we haven’t heard come out of her mouth already. “Is Twilley too over the top?”, “Jesse and I have so much in common”, “Graham needs to let his guard down”, “Do I want to marry into a family with Jason?”, yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. Let’s get this rose ceremony over with. Robert, Jason, and Fred all have roses, so they’re safe. Time for DeAnna to babble. “Appreciate all of you….put your lives on hold for me…easy decision 2 days ago….but now this is harder than I expected….I think Brad would be very happy with my decision since I’m doing this all for him.”
Twilley: What? Is she retarded? Twilley? Really?
Jesse: I’ve heard he has a clothing line and that’s why he wears the clothes he does. Self promotion maybe?
Jeremy: I have a feeling if this guy ever saw he had a hair out of place, he might just lose it and chuck his mascara at someone.
Brian: I don’t know if he even spoke this episode. In 2 hours. Not good for his future.
Graham: I heard one time, he kissed a girl. It was back in 5th grade.
“Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. You have Ron, Paul, and Sean left. None of them get your girlie parts going, but we’re forcing you to give it out anyway. Whenever you’re ready.”
Sean: Yet another guy that barely got in two words tonight. Probably doesn’t bode well for him either.
-So the two who got booted were Paul the midget Canadian nudist (I seriously think that guy was 5 feet tall), and Ron the cliche divorcee. Ron, any parting words? “I don’t feel rejected. The tree has to get knocked down before it gets to bear its fruit. If she Jeremy is what she wants, fine. But they’re doomed for failure. She didn’t reject me – she just chose other guys.” Ummmm, whatever dude. You can spin it all you want. She rejected you. Because if she liked you, she would’ve kept you. Pretty simple stuff. This show isn’t rocket science. If it was, Richard would still be around explaining to us how the earth revolves around the sun.
-So that’s it for this week. Good to be back. California was fun, but now it’s back to business in good ol’ Teh-jas. That’s my clever way of saying Texas. You know, cuz’ I’m such a Southern boy. Anyway, check back the next couple days for the Chelsea interview. Trust me, you’re not going to want to miss this. It’s going to be a recorded interview, so if your computer doesn’t have speakers, go find one that does. This won’t be a written interview since that’ll take waaaaaaaaay too long to transcribe. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, belated birthday wishes, send them to email@example.com. Until next time…..