The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

The Bachelorette Recap – 6/23/08

-I don’t think I’ve ever given a “shout out” in this column, nor do I ever think I’ve acknowledged the death of anybody – until today. In case you haven’t heard, legendary comedian George Carlin died Sunday night in Santa Monica. I think it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t be writing this column, I wouldn’t love watching stand-up comedy, and I wouldn’t be half as funny as I think I am if it weren’t for George Carlin. Outside of “Bill Cosby Himself”, every George Carlin HBO special was must-see TV for me growing up. I taped every single one of them, watched them over and over and over again after school, and can still probably recite most of them if I sat down and watched them. He was a comedic genius back in the day, and for a while I wanted to be a stand-up comedian – all because of George Carlin. He got a little preachy and outdated towards his later years, but his early stuff was genius. “Baseball vs. Football”, “Flying on the Airplane”, “Things to do to Keep People on Their Toes”, “Dogs vs. Cats” are just some of his bits that I’ll always remember. So I’m sorry to see that he’s gone. Although, having two open heart surgeries yet being a coke addict probably didn’t help his cause. Almost a miracle he lived to 71. And oh yeah, he was addicted to painkillers and red wine too. Whoa. Triple Whammy.

-There are two quick pop culture stories that I want to reference. One being that Jamie Lynn Spears decided to name her devil-spawn “Maddie”. Do you realize how much I was affected by this? My dog is now named after something that came out of Jamie Lynn Spears baby maker? Is it too late to change Maddie’s name? Seriously, of all the names Jamie Lynn could’ve chosen, she decided to go with that? She’s completely tarnished the name of anyone named Maddie, Madison, or Madeline. How sorry do you feel for that kid? Think she’s growing up in a stable, loving, nuturing, sane environment? Please. That chick will be stripping by twelve years old. But good luck to the two teenagers who are going to raise her. I’m sure they’re prepared and will do a fine job.

-And I think it’s safe to say that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are two of the most hated “C-list” celebrities in all of Hollywood right now. Yet, they don’t care. They keep doing fake photo shoots, keep saying how much they despise Lauren yet keep appearing on every episode of her show, and are still trying to shop their own reality show around. And oh yeah, Heidi keeps singing. Awfully. In case you missed it, here’s her latest single, “Fashion”, which I’m sure will get tens of downloads:

http://www.usmagazine.com/exclusive-listen-to-heidi-montag-new-single-fashion

Yuck. Are you serious? Who told her she can sing? What music producer thinks this will sell? Actually, forget I said that. There are gaggles of 13 year old girls who love this crap. And these girls are clueless to how fake “The Hills” is. OH well. Someday they’ll learn. Ok, let’s get to last night…..

-I’m glad they took the first 10 minutes last night to show us what four guys were left and what DeAnna thought of them. Too bad we saw this last week when it was called “DeAnna Tells All”. That’s ok, though. That means only one hour and fifty minutes left. No need to recap what she said about the remaining four since we heard it all last week. And frankly, for a two hour hometown date episode, this one was pretty boring. None of the guys really had any of that crazy family thing going. There weren’t any major incidents, no real drama like we’ve seen in season’s past, and pretty much everyone just made nicey-nice with each other. Jason’s hometown date was strictly there for women to break out the box of tissues to cry, but then again, you knew that was coming. More on him later. First hometown date is to Breckenridge, Colorado to visit Jesse. He’s gonna teach DeAnna to snowboard today because that’s what he does. He says, “Kids sometimes get crushes on you when teaching them snowboarding, so I hope that happens today with DeAnna”. Very cool, Jesse. And very illegal. Quit hooking up with teenagers. I wonder if the kid he taught when he appeared on MTV’s “Made” ended up having a crush on him. Yeah, Jesse’s been on TV before. Real shocker. He’s got his own clothing line, we find out last night he runs a non-profit organization that we were given all the details on, and he was once the “snowboarding mentor” on an episode of MTV’s “Made”. Decent resume. Maybe if this doesn’t work out, he can try out for “Elimidate”.

-After he tries to teach her to snowboard, Jesse is blown away. “She killed it. Such a natural athlete.” Really? All I saw was her holding your hands all the way down the hill and when you let go she face planted into the ground. More like a natural klutz to me. There was nothing about that run down the hill that made me think she’ll be competing at the X-games anytime in the next, oh I don’t know, 50 years or so. So after he fills her with compliments she didn’t deserve, it’s time for them to get serious and talk about each other. DeAnna lays down the law about exactly what she wants. “I need a guy with a backbone….I definitely need someone to tell me I’m wrong.” Ok, but if you get that guy, are you actually going to listen to him? I mean, I’m sure someone has told you a 1,000 times already you might want to stop talking about Brad and how hurt you were but you don’t seemed to have listened. And that’s really nice of you and all to admit that you need someone to tell you that you’re wrong, but, in all my years on this planet, I’ve never met a woman who didn’t think she was ever wrong, so I guess I don’t really believe you. Oh I’m sure you’ll want someone that’ll tell you you’re wrong, but they’ll just be a sounding board for you to continuously prove your point til you’re blue in the face and eventually he just quits so you’ll shut up. No, I’ve never done that.

-So Jesse takes her back to his place and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Jesse like to snowboard. Why? I don’t know. It might be the 700 snowboards he has glued to every inch of wall in his place. He’s got a non-profit organization called JSAK which stands for “Jesse Sure is A Kook”. Or not. It actually stood for “Just Snowboarding for Ambitious Kids”. I think. I guess he goes into the mean streets of Breckenridge, Colorado and pulls underprivileged kids out and teaches them to snowboard. And smoke weed. I think that’s a very noble thing for Jesse to be doing. I congratulate anyone who is out to help the less fortunate. Especially if it means getting them off of a life of drugs, crime, and poverty and letting them roll down a mountain at warp speed for fun. And then lighting up a doobie afterwards. Where can I donate to JSAK? I’ve got some worn out flannel shirts, some Timberland boots, and a few ski caps I could scrounge up. Just call me Santa Reality Steve. I’m full of gifts for the kids. I think maybe I’ll start my own non-profit organization where I gather people from all around the world who believe in the concept of this show and I do my best to smack some sense into them. You know, those that think DeAnna is destined to find her husband out of the remaining three guys. And those that think DeAnna got screwed over by Brad. And those who watch this crap thinking they’re gonna get a love story out of it. I think I’d be doing a lot to help society since those people need a severe lesson in reality. I’m your man. Let’s get this thing going. Oh yeah, we can throw in people who post all day long on message boards too. Although they might be a lost cause. They’re hopeless.

-Jesse’s parents come over to his place since I guess, well, maybe they don’t have their own place. Maybe they can’t cook. Maybe they live in a log cabin and smoke peace pipes all day. Not sure, but they came over to Jesse’s and someone from the production team looks like they cooked up a mighty fine dinner. Mmmmmmm….yummy. I was surprised I didn’t see any of the special brownies for dessert. Hmmm…weird. Anyway, Jesse’s dad is just a crazy ol’ coot I tell ya’. He came over and had fake dreadlocks attached to the hat he was wearing to give off the impression he was just as baked as his son is half the time. Or maybe it was just to show he was a cool, hip dad that tries to be funny a lot. But isn’t. Whatever the case, DeAnna ate it up and thought this guy was the next Don Rickles. Over dinner, Jesse’s hair became a topic. His dad asked DeAnna if he had the longest hair of any of the guys and she said yes and that “I typically don’t date guys with long hair. Like my last boyfriend, Brad, he had really short hair. And nice stubble on his face. And gorgeous eyes. And such a hunky body. But he led me on and broke my heart……” Ok, she didn’t add that part. But she was thinking it. This isn’t the first time DeAnna’s mentioned that she doesn’t typically date guys with long hair so I guess she’s setting us up for one reason she isn’t picking Jesse. Well, that’s one of about 10 reasons I can think of why she wouldn’t pick him.

-Jesse and dad have a heart to heart talk in his bedroom over by the giant bong he’s made out of a snowboard. Time to get serious. His dad really harps on the fact that he’s got to open up more. It’s down to the end now and DeAnna needs to know who will be there for her, and she can’t make a clear decision if any of the guys are holding back. Jesse admits to dad that he hasn’t kissed her yet and his dad immediately questions if his son is gay or not. Well, I did at least. One thing Jesse admits to dad is that he’s not ready to be married in 2 weeks. Ummmmm, why don’t we just mark that down as reasons #2 through #10 as to why Jesse won’t get picked. Hey Jesse, in case you’ve been living under a rock, let’s make something perfectly clear here. DeAnna is looking for a husband. Like, yesterday. She doesn’t have time to mess around with a snowboarding coach who isn’t ready to settle down immediately. So if you want that final rose, get your ass in gear, assume the position, and make sure those swimmers start heading due north upon arrival. It’s go time, baby! Your whole “not ready to be married in 2 weeks” just doesn’t play on this show. Even though that’s about the most logical thing you’ve said the whole season. Lesson #1 in the Reality Steve non-profit organization class for those who believe in the concept of this show: Don’t ever expect any guy to actually be ready to get married after knowing a chick for six weeks. These people are choosing the person they want to continue to date, and the show is the force behind the proposal. If you can get that through your head, the rest of the class is peaches and cream.

-Time for Jeremy’s date in Dallas. Woo hoo. Right up my alley. You know, I’ve been here almost two years now so I know all about downtown Dallas. And when I say “all about”, I actually mean “not much at all”. Jeremy picks DeAnna up on his motorcycle and she’s all horny now. “I definitely think its hot Jeremy rides a motorcycle.” Uh oh. You know who else thought that? Stephanie Zinone. In fact, she would only date a guy who was a “Cool Rider”. Which kinda made her a superficial bitch if you really think about it. And actually, I’d say Jeremy and Michael Carrington definitely have a similar quality in that they’re both incredibly boring. So maybe Jeremy’s got something going for him in this. But after the talent show, after he jumps the cliff and DeAnna thinks he’s dead, he’s really gonna have to make an impression on her at the Luau. He can’t hide behind those dark glasses anymore even though its nighttime. He needs to open up and let DeAnna knows who he really is. No more “Charades” and appearing in her made up songs about you in a gold biker outfit. It’s time for DeAnna to see the real Jeremy. For those of you who’ve never seen “Grease 2”, there’s your plot summary. Go rent it. It’s just about the greatest/worst movie I’ve seen over 100 times.

-Jeremy is horny now too that DeAnna is on the motorcycle with him. “It’s just something about her being behind me and her arms wrapped around me.” Ummmm, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around, big boy? Unless you’re into strap-ons….forget it. Lets move on before I throw up. So these two end up riding around the closed off streets of Downtown Dallas. Looks like they biking around close to the West End area which is about as happening as a ghost town. I guess he could’ve taken her to the “W” hotel up to the Ghost Bar at the top floor. Then she really would’ve seen Dallas’ finest douchebags in all their glory. Nothing but guys like “Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert” doing their best $30,000 millionaire impersonations. Pretty comical. I saw that they did go by Market Street. Been there once. I think. I believe there’s a Campisi’s Italian restaurant on Market Street. If not, it’s somewhere close. He should’ve taken her there. The owners daughter posed in Playboy once and has giant cans. Amber Campisi. Go google her and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yowza. I don’t know what this has to do with Jeremy and DeAnna’s bike ride, but I thought I’d point that out. After biking around town really fast and not getting a ticket, they get back to his place and she gets to meet his dog “Chemo”. Chemo? Is that short for “chemotherapy”? Cute dog. Not as cute as Maddie, but whatever. No one’s dog is. It’s ok. It’s not your fault my dog is the best. Chemo looks like he slobbers a bit too much. Maddie doesn’t. Nor does she bark. Or want to have anything to do with people or other dogs. Yeah, we’re still working on her social skills a little bit. But I tell you what, she can lay on a bed with the best of them.

-Jeremy’s hometown date was a ridiculously depressing. I mean, I understand that he and DeAnna both share a common bond in that they had parents that died, but can we please talk about something else? Maybe tell some knock-knock jokes? Would it be asking too much if someone cracked a smile? Maybe watch some porn? Please. Anything but rehashing the death of your parents. Geez. I mean, did he really just read her his journal from when after his mother died? He sure knows how to bring a room down. And by no means am I making fun of the guy for what he’s gone through, I’m just saying, the guy is way too intense and way too serious all the time. Someone needs to tickle him or something. I don’t think I’ve seen the guy smile in 6 weeks. And the fact that DeAnna has called him “perfect” at least 100 times already is pretty much the kiss of death. If he’s that perfect and everything she’s looking for in a husband, then this would be an easy choice as to who she picks. Kinda saying the same thing about him that Brad said about her. And we all know how that turned out. Sucks to be Jeremy. He’s gotta listen to this chick fawn all over him then let him go because why? He’s too perfect? I’m sure that’ll sit well. No worries, according to certain sources out there, Jeremy was partying it up this past Friday night here in Dallas and looked very happy with all the attention he was getting from the local skirt. I’m sure he’s really broken up about the show.

-DeAnna now tells Jeremy’s family how perfect he is. “Jeremy is the perfect guy. He has all the qualities that I look for. I’m scared.” I really don’t think I’m ruining it for everyone when I say that Jeremy isn’t the final one. I had heard it through the Dallas grapevine before the season even started, and knew it to be true. I mean, c’mon. Isn’t it a little obvious with how much she tells us how perfect he is? He rides a bike, he has a dog named Chemo, he works out 25 hours a day, he never has a hair out of place, and he had a parent that died just like her. I can see where these two would make a great couple. Other than the fact that he wouldn’t know fun if came and bit him on the ass. Time for Jeremy to get serious – again. “I don’t just want you, I need you.” Uh oh. Red flag. Now he’s needy. I wonder if he told that to any of the chicks at Suite this past weekend. Trust me, I think Jeremy is much better off as a swingin’ single than he would be rolling around town with that emotional mess on his arm. I don’t think his dating life is suffering at all after this show.

-Let’s move on to a more happy hometown date with Jason. And when I say “happy”, I mean “more crying than at a funeral”. I started crying immediately when DeAnna showed up in Seattle with that god awful ugly fluorescent jacket. Who dressed her? And I know DeAnna is from the South and probably isn’t too up-to-date on what’s happening in the Pacific Northwest, but she didn’t even know what the Space Needle was? I’ve been to Seattle once in my life and I know what it is. She’s never even heard of the thing. Wow. Which I’m sure bodes well for her packing up her life and moving there, huh? DeAnna and Jason spend some time in the Space Needle talking about her plans for the future since, well, everything is about her. And this one is a doozy. “I want 3 kids. Before I’m 30.” Uhhhh, you’re 26 now and don’t even have a boyfriend. If I were Jason, I wouldn’t gotten up from the table and walked off the show. I don’t care who she ends up with, whether or not its anyone from this show, or someone that she’ll eventually meet after she breaks up with whoever she picks. I can guarantee you DeAnna will not be married with 3 kids by the time she’s 30. No chance, no how. For her to even suggest that shows me how warped this chicks mind is. I’m sure she wants to have 3 kids by the time she’s 30 – doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen though. How bizarre to be uttering such a ridiculous comment to a guy who you’re expecting a proposal from? Things are not going to end well for DeAnna, I can assure you of that.

-So now it’s time for the sappy portion of the show to begin. Jason gets to meet Ty and introduce him to DeAnna. Very touching moment of him seeing Ty for the first time and essentially tackled him like a linebacker when he saw him. Geez. I thought he hurt the poor kid. Of course, this made DeAnna cry. And I’m guessing many other women out there too. Jason has to explain to Ty why he’s deserted him for the last month. “Do you remember why Daddy went to California? To meet a pretty girl.” And Jason has fully convinced Ty that the pretty girl he met was DeAnna. DeAnna then presents Ty with a gift she brought for him. A golf ball. Just a blue golf ball. Nothing else. Now, having a niece and nephew, I know anything you give a 3 year old they’ll like, but ummmm, what was the meaning behind the golf ball? Could you at least got him a little kiddie golf club to go along with it? What the hell is he gonna do with a blue golf ball other than throw it in his giant toy chest and never see it again after you leave? Very odd gift I thought. But maybe there’s something more to it that I missed.

-I did want to point something out that was brought to my attention last week. Before this show began, Jason and his ex-wife still had a page on www.theknot.com. You know, that cute little site where couples put up pictures from their wedding and talk about how they met, how the proposal happened, and who was in, or is going to be in their wedding party. Anyway, their page was up until recently when I guess random followers of the show found the page and started signing their guest book leaving nasty messages, so it got taken down. If you go to the site and type in “Jason Mesnick”, there’s no page. However, someone did have the courtesy to cut and paste their whole page and post it on a message board for all to see. Did you notice how Ty looked nothing like Jason? Well, if you saw the pictures of his ex-wife, you’ll know where Ty gets his looks from. And those ears. I thought it was pretty low of somebody to cut and paste the guys wedding information and pics on the internet, but of course, I had to look. I just won’t re-post them. If you do enough searching on the right sites, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it. I had completely forgotten about that site so I had a little fun with it and started typing in names of everybody I’ve ever known in my life, just to see who had gotten married. Ex-girlfriends, former friends, high school acquaintances, or just anybodys name I could remember. Found a few people. Was hoping to find more. Oh well. Nice to see one of my ex’s married a complete dork. Serves her right.

-Jason’s family asks him what he thinks about the whole situation and how he feels about DeAnna. “When you talk to her, the way she looks at the world, she looks at it like no one else does.” WHAT????!!!! Other than as a jilted ex-lover who only came back to do this show to make Brad Womack jealous, I can’t think of one reason why DeAnna seems to look at the world “like no one else does”. What a ridiculous statement. Jason seems to be smitten with DeAnna, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Oh, I got it. She gave Ty a blue golf ball. Makes sense. Yeah, I’d definitely marry her for that. I’ve also noticed DeAnna seems to be trying really hard to fall for Jason. In one breath she says she’s totally fine with dating someone with a kid, but the next thing out of her mouth is she says she’s never done it before. Well, how can you be totally fine with it if you’ve never done it? What if once you’ve done it you realize, “This isn’t for me.” Isn’t that kinda misleading? I think she can definitely be fine with Jason having a kid, I just probably wouldn’t have said something that bold having never done it before. She says she’s “Ok with being the 2nd part of his life.” Yeah, considering in DeAnna’s world everything revolves around her, I’m not so sure about that one. She might want to tap the brakes just a bit on that.

-So after dinner, DeAnna makes sure the whole family gets in a circle and dances around saying, “Opaaaaa!!!!” Nice. How does Jason’s family return the nice gesture? By going outside to play a game of leap frog. Nothing ever says “Welcome to the family” than a nice game of leap frog. Except a family game of “Nude Twister”. “Twister” has got to be the most homo-erotic board game on the planet. And it’s almost physically impossible to put yourself in some of the positions that game will ultimately ask you too. And if there’s a sorority in America that didn’t put on a function where “Twister” wasn’t involved, I’ve never heard of it. The KD’s at my school did. And I participated. Me and my friend were eliminated in about 3 moves. Boooooooooooo. I hate that game. Anyway, once the play time of leap frog was over, it was time to leave. Time to turn on the water works again as Jason has to say goodbye to Ty who doesn’t want to see him go. Everyone in the family cried over this one. And DeAnna cried for the third time already on this hometown date. Jason assures Ty that he’ll call him “tomorr-e-oh”. That must be the cute way of saying tomorrow. Don’t know. Never said “tomorr-e-oh” before. Maybe I should start. I could get a date out of it.

-Commercial. I wanted to point something out in case you missed it. “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” is a new reality show that starts on ABC soon. Maybe this week even. I don’t know what it’s about, nor do I care, but I’m guessing from the title, it’s about American contestants that get put on a Japanese game show. And survive. I know, I’m a genius I figured that out all by myself. But that’s not important. What is important is that one of the females on the show, the hot blonde one, came out last week and told any news outlet that would listen that she’d been sleeping with Mario Lopez for the last year. One problem. Mario has had a girlfriend for the last two years, the chick who got her beak re-done on “Dancing With the Stars”. Apparently, Mario kept this blonde chick completely out of the loop on it all and said that he was broken up with her. How slick this guy is. If there is a bigger player in Hollywood, I haven’t seen him yet. This is a guy who got dumped by Ali Landry after two weeks of marriage cuz’ he couldn’t keep it in his pants. And now this? Needless to say, his DWTS chick and him broke up last week when this news broke, although in the statement, it said they we’re breaking up to “focus on their careers”. Yeah, her focusing on her dancing, and he’s focusing on having women audition on his junk. Oh yeah, this chick he cheated with is a former Hooters waitress. Really? No way! I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. AC Slater is a whore.

-Time for Graham’s date back at his old high school because apparently he’s still living in his teen years. He says basketball was a big part of his life, and this is where it all started, so he figured it’d be a perfect place to take her. Hey look, I was a high school basketball legend myself, and I even made my high school’s Wall of Fame for all my outstanding accomplishments, but you don’t see me still bragging about it, do you? Oops. Let’s just say the next date I ever take back to my high school to show her my picture up on the wall will be the first. It’s a pretty damn good picture though. Taking a jump shot right in someone’s face. Awesome. I was unstoppable. Anyway, enough about me. I’m starting to sound like DeAnna. “Me, me, me, me, me, me, and me. It’s all about me.” So Graham gives her a jersey with his last name “Bunn” on it. I bet if he put a DeAnna worn jersey up on his website, www.grahambunn.com, there’d be some stalker chick out there that’d buy it. Probably DeAnna since she’s still in love with him. More on that later. Oh yeah, they went out on the basketball court to play around a little bit and DeAnna sucked. What happened to her being such a “natural athlete” like Jesse said. Oh that’s right. She’s not.

-When they go meet his family, it’s just his mom and dad. Mom asks DeAnna, “Is it tougher being one of 25 girls going after one guy, or, being the one girl having to choose from 25 guys?” You know exactly where this answer is headed. “I think it’s easier to be in my position, but I know exactly what they’re going through. Because you know, I was on this show once. And I had my heart broken after being led on by Brad…..” Yeah, that’s pretty much how that conversation went. So after dinner, mom takes DeAnna up to his room where his room is decked out like he’s still in high school with trophies, and medals, and jerseys everywhere. Apparently Graham likes living in the past. DeAnna tells his mom her concern. “I have a feeling I’m more into him than he’s into me. I don’t know if he’s ready for me.” And mom gives us the answer I’m sure DeAnna wanted to hear. “Finding someone to last past four weeks is difficult for Graham….he’s a little bit of a loner.” Gee, I never would’ve guessed that watching this show. Considering he and DeAnna’s conversations revolve around two things – her dating other guys, or, nothing – I can’t see why these two couldn’t make it long term.

-DeAnna is delusional trying to convince herself this is the guy for her. They go outside to be alone, he just sits there again saying nothing, she asks what’s wrong, he says nothing, on and on and on this goes until DeAnna says, “You just handle things differently than I do.” Yes, he does. So get rid of him. Just because he’s hot isn’t gonna be enough to salvage your relationship where you don’t talk. I mean, she admitted last night she’s 26 and wants to have three kids by 30. Like Graham wants any part of that. If he does, he sure doesn’t show it. She’s only attracted to him because he’s unattainable. The minute Graham gave in, and if these two were actually together, they’d never last. His personality doesn’t mesh with hers. She wants him to be something he’s not, and in the end, that’ll never work. She’s attracted to him the most, likes him the best, and wants him to like her like she likes him, but it ain’t gonna happen. She’s needy and he’s a little more independent. And she probably will try and contact Graham once she breaks up with who she chooses, but that seems rather desperate. Just let it go. He isn’t going to change for you. That’s my Dr. Phil diagnosis for the day.

-No final cocktail ceremony tonight. DeAnna is heard talking about all four guys as we see them arrive out of their limos. Jesse is decked out in his Tony Manero suit. Was there a disco he was headed to later that night? As Jeremy’s walking in, we hear DeAnna gushing again, “Perfect house, perfect dog, perfect life….but is he perfect for me?” Uh oh. Be sure to pack your bags on your overnight date, Jeremy. She comments about whether or not she wants to join a family “already in progress” with Jason. Wait a second? Didn’t she say earlier she has no problem dating a guy with kids? This chick is crazy. She doesn’t know what she wants. Well, I take that back. She wants Graham. He just doesn’t want her. And speaking of Graham, nice of him to dress up for the rose ceremony. Every other guy has a suit on, and this slacker comes dressed in jeans, red sweater, untucked dress shirt underneath, and a blazer. I’ve worn that on a date before. Just not to a formal setting. Yikes. Thanks for the effort Graham. No time for speeches from DeAnna, thank God. Let’s get down to the least shocking rose ceremony ever.

Jesse: He got the rose first this week. I bet he’s happy. Happy enough to spark up right there in the room.
Jeremy: He’s almost at the end. Almost at the point where he can take off the sunglasses and reveal to her who he really is while singing “We’ll Be Together”.
Jason: I bet Ty is fired up he might get another golf ball out of this. Million bucks says the kid hasn’t touched that ball since she left.

-Time to walk Graham out and get serious. She wasn’t happy with the way he stood there “rocking back and forth and smiling” while she was giving roses to other guys. You know why? Because it’s all about her and if you’re not going to look heartbroken and act like your life is completely over because she didn’t pick you, then that bothers her. Then she drops this bomb. “I’m saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was falling in love with.” Wow. Let me ask you something: Ok, so if you were one of the three remaining guys, and you watched that episode last night, wouldn’t you feel a little inferior? Obviously she liked Graham the most, but he liked her the least back. Goes into that whole thing about wanting the guy who’s the least attainable. She’s attracted to the guy who gave her the biggest challenge, when all three of other guys were more open and honest with her and told her how they felt. Yet she’s talking about 2nd guessing herself towards the guy who never gave her what she wanted. Kind of backwards logic if you ask me. No wonder she’s still single…ha ha. I’d definitely be scratching my head watching that if I were Jeremy, Jason, or Jesse. She really, really, really, really wanted to keep Graham around. And for what reason other than him being hot, I have no idea. The guy was a mute. How can the guys not take “I’m saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was falling in love with” as an insult? I guess the rest of the show we have to watch knowing that she’s just pretending to like any of the remaining three more than Graham.

-Graham gives DeAnna a letter he had stored away in his pocket since he pretty much knew he was going home. He told her to read it off camera on her own time if she wanted to. Or she could never read it and burn it. Please. It wasn’t two seconds after he got into the limo that she was dying to read that thing since he’s the one she wants. And of course, next week during the “Men Tell All”, Host Chris teases “….and what did that letter from Graham say?” Like there’s a chance in hell DeAnna is gonna share that with us. Unless Graham says, “You know what? F**K it. Here’s what I wrote…”, we’re not gonna hear anything. That’s private between those two and kind of insulting to even tease we’re gonna know what he wrote. I just don’t see how anyone can watch the rest of this show thinking she’s actually going to want to end up with one of the remaining guys long term. No one has ever been that distraught with eliminating someone in this shows history than she was with Graham last night. Not a chance DeAnna lasts with Jesse, Jeremy, or Jason. Last nights episode pretty much confirmed everything I was told over a month ago.

-Only two weeks left of this train wreck. There’s no way that ABC does another “Bachelorette” do they? I know the “Bachelor” is set to return in the fall, but they just can’t ever do another one like this. It’s painful to watch, really. Only time will tell. Anyway, Dr. Reality Steve is almost set to return, so please keep sending all emails, questions, queries, comments, suggestions, praises, criticisms, and any relationship/marriage/sex/love advice to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…..

43 Comments

43 Comments

  1. Tiger Lilly

    June 24, 2008 at 12:07 PM

    OMG, you out did yourself with the Jesse bit, “JSAK, Jesse Sure is a Kook” I can hardly type I’m laughing so hard!

    I think they are setting us up…poor little DeAnna got burned again by Graham – that’s the reason it doesn’t work out with anybody.

  2. JENNIFER

    June 24, 2008 at 12:21 PM

    Great review ~ especially the part about Jesse’s father making a bong out of a skateboard!! Very funny

    I dont think it was Graham’s mother that asked the question about dating the 25 guys. For some reason I thought that was somebody in Jason’s family. I could be wrong though….and speaking of Jason’s family. What the hell WAS with that blue golf ball????? I was sitting there saying WHAT?????????????? what a stupid gift for a little kid. She has no clue.

    Actually, I almost had a tear in my eye watching Graham last night. I do believe he was really upset. I have a nephew like him. Very into himself, very quiet…..and I am not surprised that he said NOTHING when they showed him in the limo leaving. I can hardly wait for the TELL ALL Show…..we’ll hear nothing from him then too probably.

    So really????? who does she pick? I can see her with NONE of the guys. I think she is totally screwed. I hope Ellen DeGeneres never has this bright idea again of picking a bachlorette!!!

    :)

  3. Dianne

    June 24, 2008 at 12:23 PM

    Did I miss something, or was there no dinner @ Graham’s parents place? Guess they figured why bother, or mom is just sick and tired of cooking dinners for all of her baby’s dates.

    DeAnna’s on the way to getting burnt once again by whomever she chooses. Whoever it is is going to tell her in the final episode that it’s just not going to work..she’s too much of a kook..and will end up in the loony bin within the next 6 months, and they’re not in a position to be around for that. We already know it’s not Jeremy, and Jesse is too chicken sh*t to make any kind of a commitment outside of his snowboards, and Jason is going to come out with “I need to give 100% to my Ty, therefore, I can’t promise I can give you much”, or some garbage along those lines. And DeAnna will once again be left out in the cold. Ah..can’t wait!

  4. dichuy

    June 24, 2008 at 12:37 PM

    Who in the US doesn’t know what the space needle is???????????????????????? I just can’t get past that.

    Sorry about Jamie the whore, oops, mom, stealing your adorable dog’s name.

  5. Dallas Dolly

    June 24, 2008 at 12:47 PM

    OK Reality Stevers-TINY bit of intel from work associate that grew up close by Raleigh…Stud Muffin Graham was approached by ABC (he is supposed to represent Mr. Hottie this season…methinks they miscast that one badly) to do the show. Lives in NY and dates hot model-type women. Another self-promoter IMO. Maybe he could call Blob Guiney for a guest appearance on his show? Check his website: http://www.grahambunn.com. Um…I was underwhelmed.

  6. Katherine

    June 24, 2008 at 1:16 PM

    You took the words out of my mouth, Steve. Isn’t it ironic that she keeps saying that she wants a guy who will open up to her, but that the only guy she was really into was the guy wo didn’t give her what she wants? Would be surprised if D is still single after this. I knew Graham was going home–he wasn’t ever that into her, didn’t kiss her at the hometown date, didn’t dress up for the RC. The Jeremy date WAS depressing. I didn’t realize until you said it, but I don’t think that guy has ever smiled. I hear Jeremy goes home next week (if so, then he’s better off). My best guess is that she chooses none of these guys. You said it: this show is a train wreck. And D STILL isn’t over Brad.

    PS–How did she not know what the Space Needle was? I’ve never even been to Seattle, but I know it from postcards of the Seattle skyline. Please.

  7. Katherine

    June 24, 2008 at 1:18 PM

    I meant “wouldn’t” be surprised if DeAnna is still single after this!

  8. Barb

    June 24, 2008 at 1:29 PM

    I think there was true symbolism in the gift to Ty. She was thinking, “I give your Daddy blue balls, too.” What else could she have been thinking?

    Also, I thought having a shot each time she blinks would be an “AWESOME” game, but I can’t afford a case of anything!

  9. Peggy

    June 24, 2008 at 1:46 PM

    That girl is a control freak. I thought so when she was on the Bachelor, always demanding the other girls behave the way SHE thought they should behave. And demanding Brad feel and act towards her the way SHE thought he should feel and act. No wonder he got cold feet at the last minute!

    Now she’s attracted to Graham, the guy who presents the biggest challenge, because she has a need to conquer and control everything, and when he doesn’t react to her rejection the way she wants him to react, she gives him a tongue-lashing. Some people would call that emotionally abusive behavior. Imagine what she’s like when the camera isn’t running. I bet Graham’s SO relieved he’s out of it. I feel sorry for whomever ends up with her.

  10. kat

    June 24, 2008 at 4:20 PM

    You know I keep thinking that Jeremy is one of those people that strive for perfection and can’t have anything imperfect around him or he might snap…. he’s like uber-intense and seriously creeps me out– maybe DeAnna too is creeped out. He does kinda reminds me of Meredith season the #2 guy who was too unbelievable perfect or too good to be true… except I liked that guy.. Jeremy, not so much.

    Quite frankly I don’t see DeAnna with ANY of those guys…but I’ll go with Steve on this one(when he told DeAnna about Ty, Steve you said it then) and put my bet on Jason, even though she didn’t know the space needle… I’m an immigrant and have never ever been anywhere west past Philly and I know the space needle… then again I watched Frazier for years so. Frankly don’t know why Jesse’s still there, but they’re putting it as he’s refusing the fantasy suite in the teaser… but they have a way of spinning thing so we’ll have to see what really happened.

  11. hey-no-running

    June 24, 2008 at 4:36 PM

    Well, Steve, I’m sorry Maddie has the same name as Jamie Lynn’s kid, but really, YOUR Maddie had the name first.
    Funny, funny stuff this week.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if she chose no one.
    I’m still reeling over your last week’s comments about not continuing to do this column. What will I do? Maybe you will branch out into stand-up after all.

  12. Pam

    June 24, 2008 at 4:38 PM

    Geez, here at work they actually expected me to work instead of reading Reality Steve. lol. Glad I finally got to read it though. Wasn’t that just the weirdest show ever? I absolutely cannot get over the Jason date. She gave the kid a golf ball? My son was into golf starting at that age, but noone ever gave him a golf ball. She tried way too hard with that kid and it seemed to me that she has not really ever been around kids. I kinda thought maybe Graham asked to leave — and that is why he was so um, obnoxious during the RC and then had a letter to give her. But was was up with him not even looking at her when she was raking him over the coals. Again, too weird.

  13. sarah

    June 24, 2008 at 5:26 PM

    When Jason said that she looks at the world like no one else, I think he was talking about blinking three times as much as everyone else!

  14. janet

    June 24, 2008 at 5:27 PM

    Did you notice the sign on the store for Jesse’s Hometown date: “Drugs and Ski Rental” that cracked me up!

    Also, a real golf ball is a choking hazard for a 3 year old! OMG! Ty’s cry when Jason said he was leaving sounded so fake. It sounded like the camera guy said, “OK now cry loud and hug your daddy.” WWAAAAHHHH….

  15. Bucky

    June 24, 2008 at 7:43 PM

    My take on the blue golf ball is that Deanna forgot to bring a gift for Ty so at the last minute she stopped by McDonald’s and got a ball out of the ball pit. Or maybe Jason told her Ty loved golf and she rushed in somewhere and got him a single unpackaged blue golf ball. In any case, very strange.

    I have an idea for Dr. Reality Steve. How about turning the tables and YOU ask US for women/relationship/marriage/sex/love advice. Just ask your questions on the blog and we put feedback in the comments section. Whattaya say?

  16. Tiger Lilly

    June 24, 2008 at 8:59 PM

    I already have advice for you, Steve! Take your adorable dog for lots of walks in the park. Girls won’t be able to resist saying hello to your dog, then you will meet some nice dog loving girls! I’m sure they will like you, too.

  17. Tiger Lilly

    June 24, 2008 at 8:59 PM

    I already have advice for you, Steve! Take your adorable dog for lots of walks in the park. Girls won’t be able to resist saying hello to your dog, then you will meet some nice dog loving girls! I’m sure they will like you, too.

  18. Janet

    June 24, 2008 at 9:06 PM

    Hi Steve,
    You said everything I was seeing and thinking–but so much clearer. What a wreck.

    re: golf ball. My guess is that Jason (an avid golfer) grabbed one of his from the car at the last minute, handed it to her and said, “Here, now you can give something to Ty when you meet him.” It was just too unconventional to be Deanna’s idea.

    re: Maddie. If I were you, I’d figure Jamie S. was in Dallas, heard you call your dog and liked the name. I think the baby’s named for the dog, not the other way around.

    Can’t wait for your recap of the disaster that next week promises to be!

    Janet

  19. je2

    June 25, 2008 at 12:23 AM

    Graham asked to go home and the producers forced him to come back for the rose ceremony so Deanna could dump him : ) IMO

    Bye Graham, Fare thee well

    Rumors rumors rumors – Jesse is her final choice LOL Anything could happen. Perhaps they are made for each other.

    The blue golf ball ????? What the F*** Well she did give him a star. Do you think Ty got that??

    Hiya Maddie. You keep that Reality Steve in line. Pretty soon he is going to figure out you are chick bait and you will meet lots of new creatures LOL

    Supurb again Steve!

  20. Monica

    June 25, 2008 at 8:11 AM

    Hi Steve,
    This was the best writeup ever. I loved the Grease 2 references. I was literally laughing so hard that i was crying. Of course, i had those songs in my head all day yesterday. LOL.

    Where to begin, Blue golf ball. WTF? Really,are you funnin me?? Space Needle, who doesnt know that???

  21. Frank

    June 25, 2008 at 10:09 AM

    I wanted to be perhaps the only male to comment on your blog. My wife and I are dedicated watchers of The Bachleor and The Bachelorette, but are practically religious about reading your re-caps, Steve.

    Your most perceptive comment this week, referring to Graham: “How can the guys not take ‘I’m saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was falling in love with’ as an insult? I guess the rest of the show we have to watch knowing that she’s just pretending to like any of the remaining three more than Graham.”

    Steve, we know 4-5 single women who would die to meet you, what are YOUR criteria? And, how geographically desireable must they be?

  22. Susan

    June 25, 2008 at 10:28 AM

    I’m an avid fan of this show, I know pathetic,but sooo enjoy your reviews each week….puts it all in place. Loved the Jesse part, especially the part of the underprivileged in Breck. I’m from Colorado and don’t believe there are any underprivileged anybodies up there. Keep up the enjoyable and great work!

  23. jillsy

    June 25, 2008 at 11:46 AM

    Wow! I just read all the comments on Graham’s website. It was pretty clever of him to incorporate his name (therefore his charity) into the episode. “That’s your last name, your last name….” Perhaps it was supposed to foreshadow that he was “DUNN”? But that was pretty obvious all along.

    So many times this show reminds me of junior high…ohhhh…did he kiss her…ohhhh…I like you do you like me…check yes or no? Grow up…

  24. kirk

    June 25, 2008 at 12:04 PM

    I think we didn’t see nearly any of what happened with her and Graham on the hometown date. They were angry with each other on that bench, and my guess is she told him to forget it while she was there. Thus, his cocky smile, his dress, and a letter telling her all the things he couldn’t. He already knew he was going home.
    As for the golf ball, they just handed her something to give to him, it appears. We don’t begin to see half of what is going on in this show. And, we just keep watching. What’s wrong with us? LOL.

  25. Katherine

    June 25, 2008 at 12:04 PM

    I too heard a rumor somewhere that Graham asked to leave–that he actually went to the producers, they told DeAnna, and THAT’S why she looked as mad as a hornet at the RC. I get the feeling that there’s a lot more there than meets the eye. But what else is new?

    I agree with Bucky, turn the tables and allow us women to give relationship advice! Now that would be entertaining!

    Jillsy–love your pun on Graham’s last name!

  26. Judy

    June 25, 2008 at 12:46 PM

    I was having a flashback during Jeremy’s date to (I think) Brad’s season. I seem to remember a lot of talk about a dead boyfriend from one of the bachelorettes – who was that?

    Great write-up – I always have a good chuckle here at the office while reading it. Being a Dallasite myself, I am now curious about the Ghost Bar at the W Hotel. Could it really be that bad? It probably is …

  27. Ronda

    June 25, 2008 at 1:54 PM

    NEVER understood what was so “hot” about Graham cracker — Scrawny bod, ferret-face — what is he, some kind of unemotive pod-person? Speaking of aliens, Mr. Perfect Jeremy — ICK! He’s one of those guys that 10 years from now there’s a story in the paper, “He seemed like such a nice quiet fella…” NOT — Jason — MUCH better looking, not so much intellect, DeAnna wants to be a MOM? Maybe she should hang out with REAL children 1st since she obbviously hasn’t until now — credit to her for hanging in there with Jason though..Jesse, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, may actually be her best bet — If not marriage, good LT relationship — There may be more there to Mr. Jesse than meets the eye (we can only hope)…

  28. Wendy

    June 25, 2008 at 2:54 PM

    Regarding the blue golf ball, obviously, they left some stuff out, but I was googling Jason and discovered that, though he is/was an HR manager with a psychology degree, he was listed somewhere as a “former golf pro” at a country club, I think. So, there may be some inside joke about golfing, or maybe Ty wants to grow up to be just like his dad or something. Speaking of Ty, doesn’t anyone think that – while sweet – Jason is just a little OBSESSIVE about his kid? Almost like he needs his kid more than the kid needs him? Seems unhealthy to me.

  29. MissKristinLynn

    June 25, 2008 at 3:20 PM

    so… has anoyone found Jasons theknot page? I’d like to see it… and I can’t find it. I guess Im not as internet savvy as you steve… can’t you just post it?? :)

  30. CitySlicker

    June 25, 2008 at 3:53 PM

  31. Jean

    June 26, 2008 at 5:11 AM

    Your review rocks!!! You said the same thing that I did….if I were the guy that she chose after saying that Graham was the one guy she was falling in love with, I would be out of there!! Don’t know if the three Js have enough self esteem to walk away and not be second best!!!

  32. Dee

    June 26, 2008 at 10:06 AM

    Graham did a complete 180 from their time at gym to the scene on the bench. A whole chunk was edited out, which leads me to believe that something serious happened. I think Graham told them he was quitting and I am willing to bet they had to threaten him to get him to the last rose ceremony. That would explain his attire and demeanor and her extra pissy attitude.

  33. Katrina

    June 26, 2008 at 10:42 AM

    I believe she picks Jesse knowing that it won’t last long. That way she saves face because she didn’t pull “a Brad”. I also believe she doesn’t pick Jason becasue she knows she’s not into him and doesn’t want to give the kid hope that she’s his new mommy.

    I also believe Jason’s wife left him for another woman.

  34. Ally

    June 26, 2008 at 10:52 AM

    I missed this episode, but knew I could depend on Steve to give me an update that is better than actually watching the show.

    I did see the Jason’s wedding pate on The Knot’s website…so strange considering the marriage didn’t work out… Even stranger that Bevin was a bridesmaid…no kidding.

  35. A fan

    June 26, 2008 at 1:29 PM

    Steve – don’t worry. Your Maddie will have a better home life!

    Judy – that was Danielle from B10 who had the dead boyfriend. That doesn’t sound right, but you know what I mean!

  36. Lin

    June 27, 2008 at 8:25 AM

    Ronda, there is one thing Graham does NOT have, and that is a skinny body! Did you even LOOK at the pictures of him without a shirt?! He has a fabulous body. His face does not look like a ferret either! The only thing that takes away from his appearance is his haircut.

  37. Jessica

    June 27, 2008 at 1:45 PM

    First, my 3 yr old recently got a golf ball and it goes EVERYWHERE with him. He loves the stupid thing. Apparently Jason said that Ty learned to crawl on a golf green and I guess Jason really likes golf or was a golfer hence the golf ball.

    I also saw Jason’s wedding details on the Knot. Beautiful pictures! And also can confirm Bevin from Andy’s season was a bridesmaid.

  38. Sleepless in Seattle

    June 27, 2008 at 2:24 PM

    Okay, so I’m late reading your column this week, but I have to say…it was good…it was darn good. I think I’m in love.

  39. sj

    June 27, 2008 at 2:24 PM

    The irony is too fantastic. Deanna is forced to “lead on” the final 3 into thinking they have a chance – since she was admittedly only falling in love with Graham. Unless of course she tells the producers that the show is over right now (which won’t happen). But unfortunately – the always right Deanna will delude herself into somehow being the victim again….

  40. Katherine

    June 29, 2008 at 2:23 PM

    Hey, its me again.

    Yes, I did hear somewhere that Jason was a golf pro, formerly. He and his former wife were mairried on July 13, 2003. The pictures were beautiful, yes, though Jason had a shaved head; he looks better now, I think. I’ve heard those rumors about Bevin being a bridesmaid, but dismissed them before as being too much of a coincidence to be true.

    Jesse has been on the MTV show “Made,” in which he taught a teenage girl with no snowboarding skills to snowboard. I think there was a moment on one episode where he was talking about the fact that all the girls have a crush on him, or something. That makes so much more sense now.

    And I know that there are a lot of people on Fans of Reality TV and ABC.com who are positively clamoring for Jeremy to be the next Bachelor.

    In all, I’m still holding forth with my original prediction, which is that DeAnna picks none of the above mentioned (its already been proven by super-sleuths with lots of time on their hands that Jeremy goes home tomorrow). I heard a story wherein the AFR show was cancelled. I heard another story in which an engagement party was going to be televised, but that its Matt and Shayne’s–apprently they didn’t do an AFR with them before, because his dad became sick.

  41. deegirl

    June 29, 2008 at 7:05 PM

    Great recap as usual.

    Here is an excerpt from an interview with Graham\

    So ultimately she wasn’t the right person for you?
    I don’t think we were right for each other…no, I do not believe we were right for each other.
    Why is there something the audience are missing from what we are seeing? Jesse and DeAnna are so different and Jeremy and Jason seem much more the marrying kind.
    I definitely would agree with you that Jason and Jeremy would make better partners with her to spend the rest of her life with. I don’t think you’re missing anything in the edit of Jesse – I think you might be missing something of the edit of DeAnna.
    What have you done if she offered you a rose, would you have accepted it?
    I’m honestly not sure what I would of done and she actually asked me that afterwards and I wasn’t sure. Going into the ceremony I didn’t know what would have been the best thing for her and myself included because I was not getting to where she needed me to get. Fortunately for us both it was kind of a mutual thing and she took the initiative. Seeing her I did have so much fun with her and being around her was cool and marriage is very important. Marriage is a very serious thing and I think she took a lot of onus in that concept.
    Based on your earlier comments, it seems that you didn’t think it was good fit, but now it seems like maybe that’s not the case, can you explain?
    I think whoever she ends up with would be a better match for her longterm, hopefully for her, than I would have been because I just don’t feel like she and I would have made a strong longterm relationship.
    So when she kept talking about Brad, you had no idea who this guy was?
    No, I had heard the stories and some of the other guys obviously talked about it a lot and just through her interaction I ended up knowing quite a bit about Brad, because she definitely brought him up quite a bit with me.
    When you were talking about Jesse you mention that there was a disconnect with the edit with DeAnna?
    I think the edit Jesse is getting is pretty true to who he is, he’s a fun loving guy. I think that if there is any questions about that interaction I would imagine it’s because people are missing a lot of the edit with DeAnna.
    What is it that you think we’ve been missing?
    Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and No Comment on that one.
    If there were no cameras and no other guys, do you think you could have fallen in love with DeAnna?
    No I don’t think I could have fallen in love with DeAnna.

  42. CitySlicker

    June 30, 2008 at 8:34 AM

    Deegirl…wow! Thanks for that excerpt! I like Graham. But, I think he’s the kind of guy that doesn’t “play” hard to get…he IS hard to get. He’s the kind of guy you have to be really careful about getting involved with, because it’s endearing, at first, to have to work at his attention…and when he gives it to you it’s GREAT, but he’s perhaps passive aggressive and gets pleasure out of seeing women gravel. I bet either his mother or father are like that with him, so that’s his comfort zone…having to work for love. When HE’s ready he’ll meet the right one and go for it!

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