-Ok, I’m a little confused as to what’s coming up with the “The Bachelorette” in the coming weeks. As we know, next week is the 2 hour finale, followed by an “After the Final Rose” show with Deanna, Jason and Jesse, and an nice update as to what Matt and Shayne have been up to since their season ended. My guess? A whole lot of nothing. Other than him moving out of her LA condo. However, a recent press release showed that on Monday night, July 14th, ABC will air something called “The Bachelorette: Engagement Party”. I have no idea what this is. I mean, I can probably guess that it’ll be a party celebrating DeAnna and whatever “J” she choses engagement. Probably filled with a lot of fluff and nonsense about an engagement that probably won’t lead to a wedding. Why are they gonna have an “After the Final Rose” show next week, followed by an “Engagement Party” episode the following week? And I highly doubt its an “Engagement Party” for Matt and Shayne considering the show is called “The Bachelorette: Engagement Party”.
-Even with two shows tonight, this recap will mainly cover the first hour since nothing too great happened in the “Men Tell All” episode. Well, except for when DeAnna turned into megab**ch, made the show all about her, and royally pissed off Graham and Jeremy to the point where they seem annoyed. More on that later. Anyway, this week started out with DeAnna completely, 100%, nonstop gushing about……no, not Brad….but Graham. “It was hard to let Graham go. I was falling in love with Graham. But Graham was a Brad. He couldn’t fully give me what I wanted. Graham was the one I thought would be the final one standing at the end. Now everything’s up in the air at this point…..because of Graham.” Gulp. Uhhhh, where do I begin? Other than the fact that she completely just made Jesse, Jason, and Jeremy lose their hard ons, I’ll ask this again: How could you be happy to hear that if you’re Jason or Jesse sitting sitting at home watching that? It’s like, she was so confident it was going to be Graham in the end, but then when she realized Graham wasn’t all about DeAnna, she dumped him. Which I’m fine with if that’s the way she felt. But I’m supposed to believe from that moment on, she immediately fell in love with Jason or Jesse? Please. Ain’t happening. She’s in love with the fact that she got proposed to, and she was proposed to because she basically told each guy in so many words, “If I’m keeping you around, you bet your sweet ass I’m expecting an engagement in the end.” So before everyone gets all sappy towards next week, if this show has taught us one thing, it’s this: Just because they’re engaged, doesn’t mean they’re going to get married.
-The overnight dates are set in the Grand Bahamas and Jeremy is up first. Or as she likes to call him, “The most perfect human being to ever walk the face of this earth.” Or something like that. Immediately she starts in on the date with her love for Graham. “I’m gonna do my best to put Graham behind me.” You do that, DeAnna. You know, considering he’s not around anymore since you sent him home. Might be a good idea to start concentrating one which one of these three you’re going to force a proposal out of. “My last two dates with Jeremy have been serious. I want to just enjoy my time with him. He’s perfect. I can totally see myself with him. And it doesn’t hurt that he’s beautiful.” Well, at least she said that to the camera. Ladies, never tell a guy he’s beautiful. You might think it’s a compliment, but we certainly don’t take it that way. The sunset overlooking the ocean is beautiful. A helicopter ride over a city is beautiful. Maddie is beautiful. Guys aren’t. We feel very emasculated when called beautiful so, ummmmm, stop it.
-So these two jet ski around the Bahamas then end up in the sand scissoring each other and not talking. Jeremy can’t think of anything so he says the first thing that pops into his head. “Ummmm, tell me something about you that I don’t know.” DeAnna: “I don’t know.” These two are really going somewhere. Very enlightening conversation. Of course, DeAnna then somehow manages to bring Graham back into the conversation when she tells us, “Graham’s gone, and now Jeremy’s not opening up.” You know what? Maybe he just doesn’t feel like it today. I mean, for christ sakes, the guy read you his journal from the day after his mother died on your last date. Does he constantly have to shower you with how much he’s into you in every waking second you’re with him? Maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day. Maybe he found out he’s now at 4% body fat instead of 3%. Maybe he ran out of hair product. Could be a lot of things. Don’t crucify the guy because he isn’t breaking out a laundry list of the all the qualities he loves about you and reading them one at a time. It’s ok that you guys just sit on the beach and chill. Save the talking for later. I’m with Jeremy on this one. Right here, bro. You and me. We’re boys. Let’s go have a drink at Suite together next weekend. On me. I’m kidding. I don’t think I’d be caught dead there.
-So they get to dinner and the riveting conversation continues. This was classic.
Jeremy: “Are you nervous?”
DeAnna: “Not at all. Are you nervous?”
DeAnna: “Well, you’re not really being yourself.”
Jeremy: “So you think I’m not being myself, huh?”
Fascinating stuff, guys. Just fascinating. I’m guessing maybe it was at this point that DeAnna started thinking Jeremy wasn’t so perfect after all. The only thing he seemed to be perfect at was not talking. So as he feels this thing slipping away from him, he drops this one on her. “I would tell you that I’m falling in love with you, but it’s already happened.” Oh boy. That had to sting a little bit. Especially considering Jeremy doesn’t open up like that to anyone. You know how I know this? Because he’s mentioned it 682 times already. The guy who doesn’t open to anybody, just decided that, ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, he’d read his journal about his dead mother and then the following week, tell the same chick that he’s in love with her after knowing her for five weeks. That makes sense. I love how fake this show is.
-So DeAnna tells Jeremy next that she has a surprise for him. If Jeremy’s never seen an episode of this show, then yes, this is a surprise. I’m guessing he has, and when she handed him the card, he got a boner. He starts reading it. Hey, it’s from Host Chris. Seems like we haven’t heard or seen this guy in weeks. So how goes it, Chris? “Jeremy and DeAnna….Hope you are enjoying your stay in Barbados. Here’s the key to the room to go have hot monkey sex. We’ll make sure we turn the cameras off. Don’t make too much noise and wake other hotel guests.” I think that’s what it said. I forgot to write it down this time. Anyway, the minute Jeremy read the last word from the card, he was practically dragging her upstairs and taking off her clothes. At least that’s the way I interpreted it. They made out on the bed, he closed the door, and I’m guessing they made babies. Am I supposed to honestly believe that when the doors close on these overnight dates, these two sit in there and talk? Watch TV? Play footsies? Please.
-Next overnight date is with Jason. Jason is very excited because now DeAnna will see a different side of him. Everything’s kinda all focused around Ty thus far, so now he gets to let his guard down and show DeAnna his fun side. That is, until the first five seconds of the date when she asks him, “So did you tell Ty where you were going?” Why is that important? Is Ty going to have an opinion on this? “Dad, I really don’t need you going to Barbados. I heard its rainy season and I wouldn’t want you dealing with potential thunderstorms when you’re supposed to be finding out if this is gonna be my new mommy.” What DeAnna should have asked Jason right away was, “Hey, did Ty think my blue golf ball was stupid. Cuz everyone else seemed to think so. Especially Reality Steve.” I’m sure if we see Ty again on this show (and I’m willing to bet everything I own that we will), he’ll be forced to have that blue golf ball on him. And say something like, “I likes DeAnna. She’s pretty and funny. And she’s stinky poo poo.” I’ve come to realize every 3 year old I’ve ever encountered seems to relate everything to stinky poo poo. Or is that just my niece. Love her to death and am leaving for LA tomorrow to spend to the weekend with her, but, if I ask her one more time how old she’s gonna be on Thursday and she responds with, “I’m gonna be poo poo”, we may need to have a little talk. But I guess that’s what makes them so cute.
-DeAnna and Jason are going to go kayaking. Jason wants us to believe he’s a very outdoorsy kinda guy and that he’ll try everything at least once, but says he’s never been kayaking. And neither has DeAnna. You know what that means? Nothing but hijinx and hilarity is about to ensue. And by that I mean they don’t know how to paddle, they turn the wrong way, and everyone thinks its the funniest thing known to mankind. Except me. So yeah, that’s what happened. But he did get to make out with her in the kayak, so I guess he gets points for that. And just spending the day with DeAnna has helped Jason realize one thing. “The whole day has helped me fall in love with DeAnna even more.” That’s nice to know. Really, it is. But Jason, just so you know, a week ago, DeAnna was convinced she would be getting a ring from Graham. So now that you have her attention, I’m thinking she’s starting to feel she’s falling in love with you. After last night, when she was falling in love with Jeremy. And after tomorrow, when she’ll be falling in love with Jesse. You know, because her attention is on you guys now that she had to send the love of her life home in Graham.
-Over dinner, DeAnna brings up Ty again. “Have you taken Ty to the beach before?” Jason: “Yes. He loves the beach….but hey look, we can talk about Ty if you want, but lets talk about us.” Translation: So if I didn’t have a cute kid, would you even like me? This is kind of like “Jerry Maguire” revisited. Tom Cruise only likes that squishy-faced Renee Zellwegger because her cute kid says, “The human head weighs 8 pounds.” I have to hand it to Cameron Crowe for having the smarts to turn a sports movie into a chick flick. See, if “Jerry Maguire” doesn’t have all the “You had me at hello” parts to it, you wouldn’t be able to pay a chick to watch that movie. But because he did, he satisfied both parties. The men got to watch some football, and the women got to see their love story. As for me, I liked the movie, but didn’t love it. I’ve come to dislike pretty much everything Tom Cruise has ever been in now after seeing what a weirdo he’s turned into. The only thing good about “Jerry Maguire” nowadays is remembering the skit “Saturday Night Live” did when Renee Zellwegger was hosting where they pretended they were shooting a scene for the sequel. Jimmy Fallon was on his knees overacting his part as usual as Cruise, Renee played herself, and big, fat Horatio Sanz played the kid who had grown up since the first movie and wasn’t cute anymore. If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. It was funny, trust me. If I never hear “You had me at hello” again, I think I’ll be a happy man.
-It’s now Jason’s turn to read the fantasy suite card, and he does something that I don’t think I remember anyone in this shows history doing before. He stops during the middle of the reading and says, “Let’s go”. So he pretty much wasted no time in telling DeAnna, “Look, it’s been a tough road for me since my divorce. Tough to meet chicks, Ty’s always around, I just don’t get laid very often. Now I’ve got you by myself in the Bahamas, I think it’s time you let me give you the Angry Pirate.” Or something like that. Actually, what he said was, “Thank you for teaching me I can fall in love again. God knows after what happened with my ex, I never thought it’d be possible. Did you see our page on theknot.com? It’s really pretty. I had a shaved head, my ex looked taller than me, Bevin from Andy Baldwin’s season was a bridesmaid since her and my ex-wife are good friends, but I had to take the page down since once I got on this show, fans started signing my guest book and leaving nasty comments. I’ll show you sometime. Or you can go check out a message board. My whole previous marriage has pretty much been exposed.” Yet, the one thing we don’t seem to fully know for sure yet is why they got divorced. But what is known is that Jason and his ex have joint custody of Ty. He is very much a part of her life, and from what I’ve read, she was the one that watched Ty when Jason was off filming the show. I wonder what Jason’s ex thought of the blue golf ball?
-Commercial. I must talk about this since, well, it’s important. This month starts a new reality show “High School Musical” where, I’m assuming, they cast a teenager to make an appearance in “High School Musical 3 – We’re Gay Seniors Now”. Look, I’ve never seen either of the first two movies. All I know is that Zac Efron is destined to become the next George Michael, Ashley Tisdale had a nose job at 22 years old, and Vanessa Hudgens likes showing her nookie on the internet. All the power to them, they’re multi-millionaires before they hit their mid 20’s, but enough about the comparisons to that being the “Grease” of our generation. Not quite. I don’t see a Danny Zucko in that group. Or a Johnny Nogarelli. The T-Birds would be those kids asses the minute they started singing and dancing during the middle of gym class. And oh yeah, a great career move for Nick Lachey as he got stuck with the hosting gigs for this show. Who would’ve guessed five years ago that in 2008, Drew Lachey would be more relevant and popular than Nick? Sorry to see your marriage not work out, Nick. Or your career.
-Jesse’s turn to be wow’ed by DeAnna. They’re gonna go horse back riding, and that’s just about the best damn idea Jesse’s heard since, well, DeAnna’s last idea. Even though they aren’t hers. “‘We’re going horse back riding in the Bahamas. How rad is that? She never ceases to amaze me.” Of all the guys who say they’d never watched this show before coming on it, I’d definitely believe it if Jesse said that. He actually thinks DeAnna comes up with these brilliant date ideas. I bet he’s convinced she pays for all flights, hotels, and accommodations too? Someone needs to replace Jesse’s bong water and bring him up to date with reality. DeAnna is not the producer of this show. Nor is she the director. She’s told where to go, what to say, who to keep around, and who to choose in the end. Oh, and how long she’s supposed to stay together with someone she obviously isn’t in love with just to keep the charade going a little longer so the show doesn’t get egg on its face again. Anyway, while on horseback, as the horses go into the ocean, Jesse and DeAnna have a nice kiss. The last time I saw two people kissing in the ocean and horses were involved, I believe I had to use my credit card to watch the full thing. And it was with chicks. And they weren’t wearing anything. So needless to say, this wasn’t nearly as romantic for me as it was for them apparently.
-As they’re on the beach talking, Jesse has a question. “You’re potentially gonna be married to someone here in two weeks. Are you nervous?” DeAnna: “No. This is what I’ve waited for my whole life.” Really? No way! I wasn’t sure the first 1,200 times you told us, but now I’m convinced. That one sold me. Good job. DeAnna goes on to tell us how much Jesse has grown on her, and in turn, the reason why she’d never pick him in the end. “I would never have expected to like him so much. I look forward to spending more time with him.” So, once again, we’re expected to believe that a guy who admittedly isn’t the type she’d go for, and admittedly, someone she had doubts about whether she liked, is the guy she’ll want to be married too? Even after dumping the other guy who she expected to be there in the end? Yes, I see. It all makes perfect sense now.
-Over dinner, Jesse has some more questions for DeAnna that I found intriguing. He asks her again about how many kids she wants, “Two or Three?” DeAnna: “Three. I want three dammit. No more. No less. I’m having three.” Jesse: “Uhhhh, yes ma’am. And you want to have these right away, or do you want to wait….”. DeAnna: “No! Right away! By the time I’m 30! Don’t you understand my mom died when I was 12 so I’ve always wanted to be a young mother! Damn you! I put my heart on the line for you guys and you’re not taking it seriously!” Oops. Wrong episode. I was having BBQ flashbacks. Anyway, she reiterates once again that she wants three kids before she’s 30, but actually said this time, “I’d like three kids before I’m 30. It’s not like I have a plan or anything.” Sure you don’t, sweetie. Sure as hell didn’t sound that way when you were telling Jason on the Space Needle that you’d never heard of. I tend to believe that yes, DeAnna has a plan. And if you don’t plan on following that plan, then you have no business being in her life. Got that, Graham?
-Jesse also asks her about the living situation. He says he’s got to be living in “Breck” 3 months out of the year. “Breck” I’m guessing is the stoner version of “Breckenridge”. Got it. DeAnna kinda avoids this whole line of questioning basically confirming she has no interest in dealing with the cold 3 months out of the year. I don’t think she wanted to get too deep into the living situation because, well, ummmm, she has no interest in it. So she switches the subject. DeAnna: “So what do you plan on doing after snowboarding?” Jesse: “I’ve always thought at some point I’d like to be a sports agent.” Ummmm, don’t you have to be a lawyer to do that? And if you’re lawyer, doesn’t that mean years of law school? Can you see Jesse pounding the books for years in law school? Neither can I. This conversation got very awkward since she didn’t seem to jazzed about him living in Colorado for at least 3 months out of the year, she didn’t seem like she had any interest in being with him during those 3 months, and Jesse seems to be clueless on what it takes to be a sports agent. But hey, what do I know?
-Despite all this, Jesse is falling for DeAnna. “I’m falling for you so hard, and it scares the crap out of me.” Uh oh. Don’t know if that’s what DeAnna wants to hear. Might not be part her plan. Sucks to be you. So they’ve teased us all show with Jesse reading the overnight date card then saying, “I don’t know if I can do this without first meeting your dad?” To which DeAnna says, “Are you serious?” Please, please, please tell me nobody watching the show last night actually thought that this guy was going to pass up an overnight date because he hadn’t met her dad. And if you did, just lie to me and tell me you totally saw through all that editing. Please. She would’ve sent him home right then and there if he would’ve done that. Hell, I would’ve. If I’m the Bachelor, and I present an overnight suite card, and you turn me down, you’re going home. Especially if the other two already said yes and gave up the ass. Sorry. You’d have waaaaaaay too much catching up to do. Then again, I’m not the Bachelor, have no interest in being the Bachelor, and never will be the Bachelor, so I guess there’s nothing to worry about.
-Rose ceremony time. Once again, not very suspenseful having known what was going to happen for the last month or so, but I was interested in watching reaction from the guys. Speech time. “I care about all three of you….send one home….not easy….heart breaking…..and I so wish Graham wasn’t so closed off or else neither of you would even be here right now, he’d be down on one knee proposing, and we’d be on our way to making my three kids in three years.”
Jesse: Needless to say, when I found out this guy was in the final two back in mid-May, I was stunned. Still am.
Jason: I wasn’t stunned by him. Neither should you be.
-Now DeAnna has to explain to Mr. Perfect why she didn’t pick him despite all his perfectness and perfection in all things he does. “You are so perfect (shocker)….I’d be the luckiest woman in the world….I’m stupid for sending you home….we have such a bond that not many people have….I just didn’t want to confuse that bond with being in love.” I would’ve left all the “You’re perfect” crap out of there. I don’t think he really cares to hear that at this point. It just makes what you’re saying that much more stupid. When the chick couldn’t stop saying the word “perfect” for the last three episodes about the guy, you had to have known he wasn’t going to be the final one. That would’ve been too easy. It just didn’t make her sound all that smart. First she tells us the one guy who thought would be the final one she fell in love with she had to let go. Now she’s letting go of the one who she’s constantly called perfect. I don’t get it.
-Jeremy: “I’m hurt. I’ve never had my heart broken like this. Today could be one of the worst days I’ve ever had.” Yeah, he was pretty bummed. He claims to have been in love with her, she dumped him, didn’t really give him the greatest of reasons why, and now he has to face rejection. No guy likes doing that. Ever. But he kept his cool, got a little choked up, got in the limo and drove away. Sort of. He had the limo driver pull over so he could get out an lean against a tree. It looked like the limo driver stopped at the wall where Jason, Jesse, and DeAnna were on the other side of. I thought Jeremy was going to get on his tippy toes and peek over the wall at those three toasting each other. Now that would’ve been funny seeing him spying on them as they were all happy and he had a big frown on his face. Poor guy. Well, at least now he can head to the Ghost Bar and pick up on the pretentious golddiggers that hang there. I’m sure they’d love to head back to his place in Deep Ellum and have him read his journal to them.
“Men Tell All”
-It’s late, I have an early tee time this morning, and I’ve got a million errands to run today before leaving for California tomorrow, so I’m gonna keep my “Men Tell All” recap short. Very short. In case you’re curious, here’s what I have going for me today:
-7:00am tee time (maybe I should play with a blue ball, just for Ty’s sake)
-Get a haircut
-Drop Maddie off at her boarding place for the next 5 days (not something I’m looking forward to)
-1:00 chiropractors appointment
-2:30 work meeting
-Pick up dry cleaning
-Go to bank
Wow. I can’t remember the last time I had so much to do in one day. This will be the first time I’ve left Maddie at a boarding place while I’ve been away. Usually my dad watches her, but he’s coming on this trip as well. We went there last week to check it out and she seemed to like it, so I at least feel a little more comfortable now. It’s brand new, there aren’t a ton of dogs staying there, and her room isn’t the size of a dresser drawer. It’s clean, they take her for walks 8-10 times a day, and she’ll get a bath at some point. I don’t think she’ll love it because it’s not my bed she’ll be on 24/7, but she should be fine. If airlines didn’t make travelling with pets so difficult, I’d bring her with me all the time.
-Ok, so the first half hour of the show sucked. Nothing happened. Guys talked about their experiences, they showed clips we’d already seen, Jeremy and Graham came up to the hot seat and didn’t really say anything that I hadn’t heard them say already, and there was a bunch of fake, forced laughter. But then they brought DeAnna out, and that’s when things got fun. And awkward. Jeremy asked her: “When did you know it wasn’t me?” DeAnna: “After I had overnights with Jason and Jesse, I knew I was falling in love with them.” Ouch. Jeremy didn’t seem to take that too well. Probably wasn’t the answer he was looking for. There was about a five second awkwardness after that where they panned in on Jeremy’s face waiting for him to say something and he never did. So Host Chris did the next best thing….and moved on to Graham. Even better.
-Graham took the approach of, “Look, what happened on the show happened on the show. It’s over and done with, I’m happy she’s happy, there’s no need to bring up the past.” Uhhhhh, DeAnna didn’t care for that too much. Apparently she wanted to see Graham grovel over her, and she told him in so many words, “I really don’t care for the way you’re talking about things now like they don’t mean anything to you.” And then she made a comment about how she’s “definitely not 2nd guessing herself anymore”, and that she still didn’t believe he opened up to her, even though he claimed he did. What an absolute b**ch. The nerve of her for her to tell him how she thinks he should be acting. The guy is over you, woman. What’s he supposed to do three months after the fact? Talk about how wonderful and great you are and that he wishes you never let him go? The guy says he felt he opened up to you, and you don’t believe him. What else is he supposed to do? What a self-important, egotistical, beyotch she came across as last night. Wow. I thought it would’ve been outstanding if Jeremy and Graham would’ve got up and walked out on her. I’m sure that would’ve knocked her ego down a couple notches. Holy crap she made herself look terrible last night.
-One thing I want to point out from Grahams exit interview that I think some of you may find interesting. Listen to what he has to say about the editing.
Were you prepared to propose in two weeks?
Yeah, definitely. But, see, you go into the show prepared for the concept of marriage, but the variable in that is you donâ€™t know the person when you go into it. And there were quite a few concerns that I had with her, and Iâ€™m sure she had just as many with me. I find it totally weird that she never talks about what she does for a living. She never does. She was just pretty content to talk about her feelings â€” 120 percent of the time.
Why is there something the audience are missing from what we are seeing? Jesse and DeAnna are so different and Jeremy and Jason seem much more the marrying kind.
I definitely would agree with you that Jason and Jeremy would make better partners with her to spend the rest of her life with. I don’t think you’re missing anything in the edit of Jesse – I think you might be missing something of the edit of DeAnna.
Did you ever talk about her life and her job?
You know, she and I talked about â€¦ mostly how I felt about her. [Laughs] Iâ€™m sure we talked about music sometimes. But, no, the time that you are given itâ€™s pretty much revolving around the concept of the show and the relationship and where you are in the process and how youâ€™re dealing with that. We didnâ€™t talk day-to-day details too much, which is obviously kind of disturbing if youâ€™re going to marry someone in that short period of time.
So yeah, you can tell that Graham was a little bothered by the way he was edited and the way DeAnna, apparently, wasn’t edited. It shows in this interview, and it showed by what we heard from him last night. He seems completely over the whole thing now, whereas she expected more from him like, “I just dumped you. You’re supposed to be more hurt than this?” No, honey. He just doesn’t dwell on things for months like you did with Brad.
-The only other eventful thing to take place during the show was Ryan the virgin calling her out for wanting so much attention. Or as he liked to call it, “OCD – Obsessive Compulsive DeAnna”. He didn’t understand why Jesse, who played the cool, mellow card the whole time and didn’t smother her, got to the final two, whereas Jeremy, who was all over her all the time, didn’t. Especially after she talked so much about needing a guy to open up to her. Even I’m confused now. Anyway, Ryan talked himself in circles and she basically shot him down with, “Well, I was attracted to Jesse and I wasn’t attracted to you. Had nothing to do with your approach. I just didn’t like you.” Oh, ok. Yet another graceful moment for her last night. I know what she intended to say, but that made her look a little high and mighty if you ask me.
-So next week, we get the 2 hr. finale followed by the “After the Final Rose” show. I’ll try and find out more information about this dumb ass “Engagement Party” show on the following Monday, but as of now, that’s what’s on ABC’s schedule. Everyone have a great 4th of July weekend, and of course as always, if you have any questions, comments, queries, criticisms, praises, or just wanna chat with such an outstanding guy, email me at email@example.com. Until next week….