The Bachelor 13 - Jason

The Bachelor Recap – 1/19/09

-Feels really weird that I didn’t write a column last week. Do you realize that this was the first time since Andrew Firestone’s season started, which covers Bachelor seasons 3-12 and all four Bachelorettes, that I did not have a column up the next day? I felt naked all week. Seriously. It was a very surreal feeling. Like I accomplished nothing all week. Yes, that’s what my life has become. Great. As I mentioned, I was in New Orleans last week so that was the main cause for the problems. I used the hotel computer, and rather than typing the column on Microsoft Word like I usually do, I decided to type the whole column on the page that actually uploads it to the site. Well, they have a “save and continue editing” button that I would click every paragraph so I wouldn’t lose any work. However, one time after I clicked it, the page froze, I had to close out of all windows, and when everything had started up again, my draft only had saved the first few paragraphs. Even though I had clicked “save and continue editing” numerous times while typing up the column. I can’t explain it either.

-I guess I should’ve known immediately that something bad would happen on the trip. It all stemmed from taking a shuttle from the airport to the hotel on Sunday. You see, when you take a shuttle, you are subjected to sitting next to strangers, something I loathe doing. And when on a shuttle, the chances of everyone going to the same place are one in a million I think. So, you could get lucky and be the first one dropped off, or you could be ridiculously unlucky and be the last one. Take a wild stab as to when I got dropped off? That’s right. Dead freakin’ last. There were about 15 people on the shuttle, 12 of which were Tulane students heading back to school after winter break. How did I know this before we actually arrived? Well, let me tell you. Because of the giant dork behind me carrying on a conversation with his fellow freshman friend, telling her ALL about his winter break. He saw “Benjamin Button” twice because “he loved it so much”. He really liked “Slumdog Millionaire” and you should “totally go see it.” He also wishes he could spend his winter break and summers in New Orleans “but my parents would kill me if I never came home.” Needless to say, this kid epitomized the nervous, freshman, college kid who’s out of his city for the first time in his life. I could go on and bore you with what else he rambled on about for 30 minutes, but I already suffered through it once. No need for you guys too. And when he got off the bus, he had a multi-colored scarf on. Good luck with the ladies, buddy.

-A couple quick “Bachelor” notes. For those that don’t know, ABC has decided to do another installment of the “Bachelorette”. And the bachelorette will not be someone from a previous show. And from what I’ve heard, they’ve already chosen this woman. I’ll let you know as soon as I find out. Secondly, last weekend, there was a guys weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado at Jesse’s place with a few of our fellow Bachelors from DeAnna’s season. ABC decided to send the cameras out there to film the guys for a future piece. However, I do not know what that piece is. Could be used for a “Where Are They Now?” episode, or it could be used as footage if they decide to go with Jesse as the next Bachelor, something I highly doubt they’d do. I’m hearing that Jesse and Holly, the blonde from Matt Grant’s season who he had the movie premiere date with, are starting to get involved. As are Fred, the guy from Chick-aaaag-o on DeAnnas season, and Noelle, a finalist from Matt’s season. As for our good friend Jeremy, he is currently with woman as well. Congratulations to him. Here’s some recent pictures of them that are floating around on the internet. Yes, she’s a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Hey, just like Melissa used to be. I felt a tad awkward just randomly posting pictures of Jeremy and his girlfriend unlike some people on the web, so I thought I did the right thing by checking with him first and he ok’d it. Here’s the link: Jeremys pictures.

-And a quick thank you to everyone who joined the “I Love Reality Steve” group on Facebook. If you haven’t joined yet, join now. Time is running out. Not really, I’ve just gone into “24” mode. I won my bet. Actually, I won the bet in 48 hours. I thought that I’d have 200 members by the time last weeks column was supposed to go up. So thank you to everyone who’s joined. It’s time you tell your friends, and tell them to tell their friends, and their friends to tell their friends, and we can all become one happy family. Or something like that. Now lets begin…

-Host Chris kicks us off by showing up looking all metro with his collared shirt, designer jeans and black shoes. Looks like he’s headed out for drinks at the Standard Hotel after the show. Or the Mondrian. Either way, something tells me he’ll be calling the wifey later on coming up with an excuse as to why he’ll be home at 4 in the morning smelling of “Very Sexy” from Victorias Secret and with a pocket full of chicks phone numbers. He informs the girls there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. But once again, not everyone will be getting to go on a date. Which really is a good idea. The more paranoia around the house, the better. Women are more dramatic when they’re paranoid. Even more so than usual. And that’s always a good thing. For television at least. Everyday life? Not so much. Save the drama ladies. Guys don’t want any part of it.

-Stephanie gets the first 1-on-1 date at the beach and then to Legoland. Of course, if this show were “Survivor”, they wouldn’t have ruined in the previews last week, and the previews before the show started, that he surprises her by bringing her daughter Sophia on the date, because its her 4th birthday. Then again, the “Bachelor” isn’t “Survivor.” Never will be. Probably has the same amount of silicone on it, but Host Chris isn’t Probst, as much as he wants to be by copying the blog he does on EW.com. I realize Stephanie had no clue about her daughter, but why show the audience beforehand? Whatever. This show isn’t trying to win any Emmys anytime soon. Whatever. Let’s move on to more pressing matters. Namely, that Jason rolled up his jeans on the beach because he didn’t want them to get wet. Only now he looks like he should be one of the T-birds in the original Grease? Actaully, doesn’t he kinda look like “Doody”, the T-Bird who carried around the squirt gun and flirted with “Beauty School Drop Out” girl? Crap. I’m forgetting her name. Embarrassing I know her real name of Didi Conn but am completely drawing a blank on her character name. I’m a loser. I’m sure it’ll come to me any minute. Yep, it just did. Frenchy. And no, I didn’t look at imdb.com either. Ok, yes I did because it was bothering me. C’mon, kind of alike, right? If Jason lived in the 60’s?

Doody and Jason: Tell me you see the resemblance.
Doody
Jason2

Or how about Doody now? Don’t tell me Jason won’t look like him when he’s his age.
Doody2
Jason

Work with me people. It took me about 30 minutes how to find those pictures, format them, and figure out how to paste them onto the page. Humor me a little bit.

-So Stephanie is very excited to get alone time with Jason, she does a cartwheel on the beach. Damn, her shirt didn’t fly up. That would’ve added a nice touch. They already showed Stephanie in the limo calling her daughter and leaving a message, so Jason thanks her for being there on her daughters birthday. But before Stephanie can finish justifying why a widowed mother would leave her child on her birthday to go on some stupid reality TV show, Jason interrupts and has her turn around, and we see Sophia running in. Mom and daughter were definitely on the same wave length as Stephanie ran over and practically jumped into Sophias arms who’s about 2 feet smaller than her while Sophia never tried to jump up into her moms arms. Made for quite an awkward hello so they ended up falling on each other. Hey, it was cute enough to make Jason cry. And I’m guessing also about 90% of the women watching this show. And if you’re a mother? I’d say 100% of you were crying. Unless you don’t really like your daughter. Am I right? Mothers, speak now or forever hold your peace.

-So they head on over to Legoland because, well, even though this is supposed to be Doody and Stephanies 1-on-1 date, it’s turned into a 4 year olds birthday party. I’m guessing Stephanie is thrilled that little Sophia is about to kill any chance of mommy getting felt up on any of the rides. Never fun to be c**k blocked. It’s worse being c**k blocked by your own daughter. Oh well. Sophia will understand someday. Stephanie is loving this date. “To have a park to ourselves, I’ve never had anything like this before.” Neither have 99% of the people in America, Stephanie. Gee, I wonder why that is? So these two go on a couple rides, and I really feared for them boarding any wild roller coasters. Especially one with a large drop or something. Can you imagine how much more contorted Stephanies face would look screaming down a roller coaster? Sophia would be scarred for life.

-Stephanie is starting to make her feelings known about what’s going on here. “I think Ty and Sophia would be great together.” Oh really? Now you’re playing matchmaker with children? This chick has it all planned out. She just figures if she can find Ty a wife at the age of three, then Jason couldn’t possibly send her home. Jason: “I’m not looking for Ty’s new mom.” Well, you might not be looking, but Stephanie sure wants to be it. I think she’s already filled out her application and everything. Stephanie makes it known that she’s dated a few guys since her husbands death, but nothing ever got serious. She’s looking for a man she can take care of, or help take care of. Huh? Then go find one at an old folks home. I’m sure plenty of those guys would like you to take care of them and wash their bed pan. Stephanie: “This is a running start into Jason and I falling in love.” To which she started doing something I didn’t think possible: she cried. I figured her tear ducts were wired shut after all the facial injections she’s had done. Maybe she just threw water on her face. Oh yeah, Jason gave her a lego rose in what was probably the easiest decision ever. I mean, really, could he have possibly sent mommy home after a day with her child on her birthday? Would’ve been hilarious though as she’s crying and saying goodbye to Sophia if Jason chimed in, “Uhhh, yeah, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get in the limo with her and take off. See ya.”

-Group date time. This one is with Shannon, Naomi, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica, and Megan. Probably the greatest group date ever concocted on this show. They will be making casts of their breasts and putting them up for auction, with all the proceeds raising money for breast cancer awareness and the Keep-A-Breast organization. Because I’m such a great guy and all for breast cancer awareness, their website is:

. And for those that are interested, the bidding has already begun, although you wouldn’t know it by the lack of bids they’re receiving. As of this writing, there were 5 bids total. Still nine days left though, so get your bids in if you want a plaster of Nikki’s rack lying around your house. Go ahead and try to outbid me on that one.

Here’s the link:

Start bidding on the womens plasters here

Speaking of Nikki, for those that want to check her and her bongos out in the Miss Illinois International competition from 2006, be my guest. I already did. Numerous times. Hey, I’m here to help, people. And stare at Nikki’s jugs.


Miss Illinois International 2006

-So of course if all the women are making plasters of their breasts, you can imagine how giddy I was with this whole date. I was like a kid in a candy store. Seriously, I’m not THAT infatuated with breasts. I swear I’m not. It’s just that when I get to see silhouettes of eight pairs of them, I tend to get excited. Well, nine pairs if you count Nikki’s twice. Not to mention all the obvious humor it would bring to the column. This was probably the easiest date ever to write about. Immediately, once Jason went first and got plastered up, the sexual innuendos were flying all over the place. One girl said, “I got to lube Jason up.” Oh honey, that’s just the beginning. Lube is about the tamest thing that’ll come out of this experience. Of course Shannon the Crazy was having a field day. “I like to stare at him.” We know you do, Shannon. Preferably from outside his window while he’s getting dressed. On July 5th his birthday. Was there ever a doubt that they would include Shannon the Insane on this date? Like she would ever pass up a chance to watch Doody shirtless.

-We find out something very interesting about Jillian on this date, and surprisingly, it has nothing to do with hot dogs, or condiments, or Oscar Mayer, etc. Jillian: “I’m very comfortable in my own skin. I love being naked.” Well, that’s a definite plus. I could be mistaken, but guys like hearing that. I can’t think of a single thing wrong when I hear a woman say, “I love being naked.” Unless it’s coming from Rosie O’Donnell or someone else equally disgusting. Take it off, Jillian. Take it all off. And oh yeah, Shannon the Lunatic conned Jason into putting one of the wraps around her. Of course she did. It was pretty much her only way of Jason ever feeling her up so she had to soak up every second of it. And after watching her act the rest of the show, that might’ve been the last time ANY guy gets that close to her. Cuck-koo.

-So after they all get naked and make plasters of themselves, I head to the bathroom. And Jason took all the ladies upstairs for more alone time. Up first was Melissa, who came in with the shocker of the night. Melissa tells Jason that she actually had a breast reduction. Did I hear her correctly? Did she say she was once a 28FF? That’s a size? I didn’t know that was possible. She’s a little tiny girl. How in the hell did she have FF’s? Either she was once a fatty and when she lost weight she lost her breasts, or she went with the implants and decided they were a horrible idea. I can’t believe someone that tiny could ever carry around 28FF’s. I’m fascinated by FF’s considering I never knew those were a size. I’ve always thought I was well versed in the area of womens chest sizes. However, in doing research for this column, I realized I know crap. I found this on a website:

“Although the average bra size is often quoted as 36C, most people who wear this size should actually be wearing either a 34D, 34DD, 32DD or 32E bra. The true average bra size is around 34DD. Cup sizes are in proportion to the band size, so a D cup, for example, is not the same size in every bra. A 32D is the same size as a 34C or 36B, but on a smaller frame. A 28F is actually 2 cup sizes smaller than a 38D. If you are fairly slim, then you may well need a large cup size even though your bust doesn’t look any bigger than average. You may not think of yourself as being busty, but in moving to a smaller band size you will find that you need a bigger cup size.”

Now I’m completely confused. So 28FF isn’t what I had imagined in my head? I’m truly crushed right now. Sorry Melissa, but I had you carrying around two exercise balls before. I think I’m glad I’m not a woman. So many size issues in clothing, it’d drive me nuts. Jason: “I never expected Melissa to tell me she had a breast reduction. Never saw that coming.” Me neither Jason. I’m scarred for life.

-Nikki Kaapke and her giant bazooms is the one girl this season we can categorize as “Girl Who Doesn’t Like Competing for Attention.” Translation: We this rack, I’m the center of the attention the minute I walk into a room. Now, I have competition and I don’t like it. So her and Jason get some alone time and have quite possibly, the most awkward conversation ever. Now, to defend Nikki here for a minute, something tells me that her and Jasons conversation was HEAVILY edited to make it seem like they talked about absolutely nothing and she couldn’t get a word out of her mouth. That was almost too awkward to be believable. There’s no way she just sat there and said nothing while he did the same and then just got up and went, “Ok, let me walk you downstairs.” No way. BUT, on the slight chance it did happen that way, you can rest assured Nikki and her watermelons aren’t long for this show. That was uncomfortable to watch, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt. And I bet you’ll never guess why either.

-Shannon and Melissa pull each other aside to talk. Shannon is distressed that she never gets alone time with Jason. The scene wasn’t really all that important until I paused it and noticed the cellulite on Melissas left leg. Hmmmm, maybe I was right about her being a former fatty. Hey, props to her if she has gotten down to the weight she is now. I think she just needs to do a few extra lunges at the gym. Or maybe Trainer Bob can f-bomb her down like he did last week to that woman on the “Biggest Loser.” Is Bob gay? I’ve debated this ever since I’ve watched that show and boy, he sure sounds like it sometimes. He’s a head scratcher, that one. Still trying to figure him out.

-Farmer John Jillian gets some time alone and its her turn to turn on the charm. I feel like this line has been getting uttered so much on TV recently that its losing its significance. I can’t remember where or when I’ve heard it, but I swear I’ve heard it more than a few times in the recent years. Jillian: “I’m not necessarily looking for someone I have to marry. I want to find someone I can’t live without.” Or some variation of that has been floating around TV for a while. Is that from a show? Was it this show? I feel like I’ve heard that line being re-used over and over again by people. “I’m not looking for someone I have to live with, I’m looking for someone I can’t live without.” Yeah, yeah. We get it. Seems it would have more effect if I didn’t hear it once a season. Jason also decides to give Jillian the rose for the group date and informs her, “Hey, when I was on the ‘Bachelorette’ with that media whore DeAnna, I never got a rose on a group date.” Great, Jason. Fabulous. Congratulations. And where did that get you?

-Nikki and her FF’s give the quote of the night to end the date. “I know I’m pretty. I know I’m smart. But I don’t think that’s enough.” Says who? Isn’t every relationship based on looks and intelligence? I thought those were the sole determining factors of two people staying together? Hmmm, I guess I’ve been sorely mistaken all these years. Maybe that’s why I’m single. So biggest chest and biggest brain doesn’t always win? Why didn’t someone tell me this before? You mean I actually have to like other things about people? Damn. You’re sure asking a lot. Thanks for the heads up, Nikki. I had no idea what I would’ve done without this information. And congrats on the Miss Illinois International thing. Whatever that means. What exactly is “international” about Illinois?

-Natalie gets the solo date with Jason that ends up being a private jet to Vegas, a helicopter ride over the city, and $1 million of jewelry around her neck. For the night, of course. Jason arrived in his limo driver suit again, and Natalie wasn’t ready. A huge pet peeve of mine. Look, I’ve never really cared how long it took my date or girlfriend to get ready. If it take you ninety minutes or if it takes you thirty minutes, to each their own. But what kills me is that, lets say you know it takes you 90 minutes to get ready every time you go out, and I say we’re leaving at 7:00, if you’re starting to get ready a minute after 5:30, then you’re going to be late. Hell, start getting ready at 4:00 if you want, I don’t care. It’ll give me plenty of time to get caught up on SportsCenter. Just be ready at 7. I’ve never understood that. Maybe because it only takes me about 20 minutes tops to get ready for any occasion, which includes shower, shave, and getting dressed. And here’s a novel concept: If I say we’re leaving at 7:00, it’s actually not against the law to be ready at say, I don’t know, 6:45. It really is ok to be ready earlier than I’d requested. Seriously. That’ll be the day. A man can dream.

-Needless to say, Natalie is speechless about the date. “Oh my God. Like, who gets to do this.” Ummmm, filthy rich people or people who come on this show. That’s about it. Geesh, another pet peeve of mine. This is regarding the show. I love how inevitably every season, you’ll a girl, or even a few, that is so enamored with the date that they project it on the Bachelor. Like he had anything to do with it. I’m sure Jason is a great guy, and I’m sure he’s been on some fun dates in his life, but Natalie please, you honestly think that if you weren’t on this show, your first date would be a private jet to Vegas? Jason isn’t footing the bill for any of this. Which plays into again why a lot of these women think they’re falling for the Bachelor, when in reality, they’re falling for all the perks the show is giving them. If Jason came to the house, picked up Natalie, didn’t drop a million bucks of ice around her neck and wrist, and just took her to dinner a movie, she wouldn’t be nearly as enamored with him as she was. That’s just a fact. So its what kind of lead to so many failed relationships on the show. Their in love with all the extravagant dates and trips they get to take. Then when they get back into real life, and see that their dating life is pretty much like everyone elses and not being watched by 10 million people a week, it gets bland. And oh yeah, while in the private jet, Jason says, “I felt like a real celebrity couple.” Well, other than not being a couple, nor being celebrities. Yeah, I guess I could see that.

-So as these two are driving on the strip in Vegas, Natalie casually mentions that she’s never seen the wedding chapels before. “I wanted to elope right there and not tell anyone.” Awwww, how romantic. Ummm, kinda can’t happen sweetie. Then the show would be over. And in case you didn’t notice, cameras are following you around everywhere you go. I think people would know. But hey, if you want an extravagant, $40 drive thru wedding with memories that’ll last you a good fifteen minutes, knock yourself out. We’ll all be over here laughing hysterically. It’s time for these two to get down to serious business. And no, I’m not talking about groping each other. Jason needs to find out if there’s anything more to this girl than fashion, clothes, bling, clubbing, partying, and sports. And he got his answer: No. When he asks her anything else he should know about her and what makes her tick, her answer: “I love bears.” Jason: “What kind of bears? Teddy bears? Koala Bears.” Natalie: “All bears.” Wow. This chick is deep. If Jason would’ve followed that up with, “Hey, you know womens periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation,” he would’ve been my favorite bachelor ever. Totally would’ve thrown her for a loop, as if she already wasn’t a complete airhead. Just to see the expression would’ve been priceless.

-Jason is obviously getting nowhere with this half-wit, but of course she tries to salvage it with “I know I was put here to be a mom.” That’s right, when all else fails, resort to the “mom” card, talk about your love for children and how you’d like to run an orphanage someday, even though everything about yourself screams, “You know, I wouldn’t mind being blitzed off a few Cosmos right now and dancing seductively on some tables.” Jason tries one last time to develop any sort of connection with Natalie by taking her to Jet nightclub for a private performance by Kate Voegele. No idea who this chick is. And after we got last weeks brilliant solo performance by none other than Alan Thicke, Kate Voegele really didn’t stand a chance of making sparks fly between these two. Man, I loved Jason Seaver when he was on “Growing Pains.” Didn’t realize he’d become such a well known singer now. Good for him. To say that Jason and Natalie had a very awkward slow dance would be an understatement. I don’t think they looked at, or talked to each other once. So to no one’s surprise, he didn’t give her a rose by telling her he wanted to see more than the materialistic side and realized they didn’t have “enough commonalities.” I’m guessing that went completely over her head.

-To say that Natalie was pissed at this point would be an understatement. The first thing she had to do was give back the bling. This dolt probably thought she actually got to keep it. Not quite, honey. Although, something I found interesting in Host Chris’ Blog at EW.com this morning, he mentions that after they took the jewelry off Natalie, Jason wanted to give her his own diamond necklace he bought for her. But she was so pissed, she wanted no part of it. Damn girl. So, just because it wasn’t $1 million it wasn’t good enough for you. The guy didn’t have to buy you sh** and could’ve just sent you on your way without anything. I guess she was too busy letting Jason have it to the cameras. “He’s an idiot. I bet he’s intimidated by me. I got a lot goin’ on. I’m not mad at all. I just don’t get it. F**k you, a**hole.” Yeah, you’re not mad at all, are you sweetie? I can’t tell whatsoever. Good riddance. Quit trying to convince us you’re not a shallow, superficial, materialistic queen who’d much rather have guys taking body shots off her than be someone’s step mom. (On a side note: If you read Host Chris’ blog, you’ll notice at the end that he wishes his wife a happy 25th birthday. Chris Harrison is 37. Niiiiiiiice. Look at our boy Chris chasing the young skirt. No wonder he dresses like he’s 21). Update: I’m an idiot. Shocking that someone known for their sarcasm couldn’t see through Host Chris’ sarcasm in his column wishing his 25 year old wife Happy Birthday. His wife is not 25. My mistake. You’re the greatest, Chris.

-Time for the ladies to all plead their case for one last chance, or in most of the girls cases, one last chance to make out with Jason. Naomi tells him she hasn’t let her guard down in 2 ½ years since her last boyfriend. “My last boyfriend was my only true love. I’ve only been with one person.” Well, of course this was just the go ahead for Jason to ram his tongue down her throat. I’ve noticed Naomi’s underbite recently. That’s quite interesting. Hope that works out for her in the long run. Jason doesn’t seemed bothered by it so neither will I.

-Time for Nikki to make up for that awful conversation earlier and boy does she ever with her “Peek-a-Boo” dress. It had a bunch of wild, crazy colors, it was really long, kinda looked like she should go salsa dancing in it, but that’s not important right now. What is, is that she a nice window in front that gave us a birds eye view of the goodies. If you ask me, its probably the only reason he made out with her since, so far, it doesn’t look like these two have much in common. So she leans in for a kiss in the most awkward way. She was actually going for the “Here, kiss me on the cheek”, yet Jason grabs her face and starts swallowing her. Yummy. This guy is wasting no time whatsoever. He’s on a time crunch here and he’s just parading in all the women he wants to make out with. Isn’t it kinda obvious who he’s gonna keep around and who he isn’t? Nikki informs us this is the first guy she’s made out with since her boyfriend of 11 years. What’s with all the inexperienced chicks this season? My God. Naomi hasn’t been touched in almost 3 years, Melissa says this was her first date in 3 years, Nikki DDD has kissed one guy in a decade. Huh? What’s going on here? Let’s get some promiscuous women on this show. Oh wait, she left earlier in the limo without her ice on.

-Jillian, already safe with a rose, says she feels lucky she got one and that this is a totally weird PRO-cess for her. “I don’t want to be the flavor of the week.” Uh oh. The Canadian accent is starting to come through. Next week we’ll get the “a-BOAT” and “or-gan-EYE-zation.” Molly says she’s “starting to get butterflies, and that’s the best feeling when getting into a relationship.” Actually Molly, believe it or not, there’s actually a better feeling than that. A few actually. One usually occurs when your man lays on top of you and you guys both breathe heavily in sequence for thirty seconds. It’s really a blast. Maybe someday you can experience that. It’ll make your butterfly stomach feel like someone just whacked you across the face with a hammer.

-Shannon the Downer brings the whole mood down now because she feels sick and starts crying. Of course, she’s looking for the sympathy card at this point. She tells Jason she felt so bad for him last season and “just wanted to jump through the TV. I want to complete you. I want to lay on the couch with you and ask, ‘How was your day?'” My guess is Jason is completely petrified by this chick and is keeping her around for the sole reason he doesn’t want to find a boars head on his pillow when he wakes up the next morning. Shannon is seriously starting to scare me, and I’m only watching on television. Creepy wouldn’t do this woman justice.

-Stephanie, after being c**k blocked by Sophia, feels this is her last chance to make anything romantic happen with Jason. She asks him to close his eyes, as she slowly kisses him on his eyelids, his eyeballs, I think his nose, under his chin, and every other odd place on his grill you could think of. I understand she went for the more passionate approach, but I’m telling you, this chick is going to be DEVASTATED when he dumps her. She’s getting way too emotionally invested way too soon. You don’t think so? “I feel I can fall in love again.” This all done while she applied eye drops to make us think her face could actually produce tears. Hey, at least she got to make out with him. So let’s see, Stephanie and Jillian are safe with roses. We know he’s into Melissa and her reducted breasts, and he just made out with Nikki, Naomi, and Molly. So that’s 6 of the 11 we know are staying. He’s not making this real suspenseful as to who he’s keeping around.

-I’m on a time crunch now, so I’ll finish this up. Basically, the only thing I won’t cover is the bickering that went on between Lauren and Megan. Frankly, I don’t really care, since both of them will be gone in the next couple of episodes. And oh yeah, Shannon threw up. I think her dignity went down the toilet along with her bile.

-Rose ceremony time. Jason definitely doesn’t give any B.S. speeches before he hands out the rose. “Thank you ladies for opening up. It helped me make my decision. Which is ridiculously easy since half of you I have no interest in whatsoever.”

Molly: Just think Molly, someday you’ll get to be intimate with a man when all your clothes are off. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Lauren: I would’ve kept her too for no other reason than I think she’s hot. Throwing people under the bus is part of this whole show. I don’t fault her for it. Plus, more pageant girls, the better. They like drama.
Melissa: I think after the show, she should go back to FF’s. Just for me.
Naomi: I have no idea what to think of this girl. I barely know her. Other than her underbite.
Shannon: Crazy makes for good television. So does puking on rose ceremony night for no reason.
Nikki: Smart and pretty may not be good enough for Jason, but I’ll tell you who it’s good enough for: Reality Steve. Send your application this way, sugar pie sweet cakes. And I’ll even let you go back to being a redhead.

“Ladies, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” What? Chris, you didn’t inform Jason. What if he gets confused? What if he wants to give out 3 more roses. Or can’t see that there’s only one rose left. Dammit Chris, do your f**king job right, or we’ll get someone else who will!

Megan: If for no other reason than her and Lauren can have a lingerie pillow fight.

-Since I’m in a charitable mood this week, I wanted to recognize an organization that a friend passed along to me. They only need less than 3,000 signatures to reach their goal. Check it out. That’s all I ask of you.

Petition to Cure SMA

That’s all for this week. If you have any questions, comments, emails, praises, suggestions, criticisms, send them my way at steve@realitysteve.com. Don’t forget to join the “I Love Reality Steve” group on Facebook so you can be the coolest person ever. Until next week.

38 Comments

38 Comments

  1. Kristin

    January 20, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    Good column. Steve, I can’t believe you glossed over the best part of the night… Lauren putting Megan and Erica under the bus.. Megan eavesdropping the whole time and then the big confrontation at the beginning of the rose ceremony when host Chris asked if anyone wanted to say anything (1st time ever done by the way). And then in the middle of it all, crazy Shannon… “I hate it here!'” followed by her puking in the bathroom…. (lovely that there was a toilet so close by the rose ceremony!) I had to cackle outloud at Shannon. Sure she’s crazy, but that made for some good TV! LOL!

  2. Kristi

    January 20, 2009 at 12:32 PM

    Good to have you back Steve. I normally don’t have too many opinions on the girls, I just watch for entertainment value, but man I’m ready for Megan to go. Her whole talk with him at the Rose Ceremony night, “I’m a role model for young girls. If I don’t have someone thank me or appreciate me or thank God that I’m in their life every day, then I feel worthless.” Seriously?

    And when they showed Stephanie at the house without all of her makeup on and stuff, I thought she looked a lot better. Softer.

    Oh well, just my opinion. Thanks for the column!!

  3. Lisa

    January 20, 2009 at 12:49 PM

    Steve I can’t believe you didn’t touch this:
    Megan: “I haven’t had someone thank me or appreciate me in over two weeks. I’m going crazy.”

    What a selfish loser!

  4. Karen

    January 20, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    LMAO….Love your column!

  5. Karen

    January 20, 2009 at 1:04 PM

    Reread Chris’ column, he’s joking that his wife is 25!

  6. Janet

    January 20, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    They are doing the “like” thing again!! Makes me nuts!!!

  7. Mary

    January 20, 2009 at 1:28 PM

    Yes, Megan and her crazy ‘I need to be thanked’ speech was super dumb! Ugh.

    I love that they show the clips at the end of the show. The one last night with Shannon making fun of all the girls in front of them showed a different side to her. A funny, not so crazy side.

    Great commentary, Steve, as usual!

  8. anon

    January 20, 2009 at 1:41 PM

    Was it Becca that accused Jason of looking at her chest? Which I don’t think he was even doing, and then saying, “Awkward!”

  9. Peaches

    January 20, 2009 at 1:48 PM

    Yeah – I think Chris was definitely joking about his wife being 25, hence the “you’re welcome for that” following his comment. The info on wiki and imbd says he’s been married to Gwen since 1993, so unless he married her at age 9………………..

  10. Kristin

    January 20, 2009 at 1:55 PM

    It was Erica that was joking about him looking at her chest. Jason likes boobs, I think it’s safe to say (what man doesn’t though?!) Yes I agree I like the clips at the end of the show. Shannon was totally funny making fun of everyone. She should REALLY show this fun side of herself to Jason instead of the one she’s showing him. She’s just needs to relax already! She’s acts like she’s never dated before!

  11. kelly h

    January 20, 2009 at 2:04 PM

    http://videogum.com/archives/reality-tv/grown-man-ashamed-to-have-figu_046041.html

    I found a spoiler…have you seen this. I’m thinking it will make watching the season even better if I know who wins!! Oh, I mean finds the love of her life.

  12. Pam Austin

    January 20, 2009 at 2:36 PM

    Did anyone else think the interaction with Stephanie’s daughter was awkward? She made no eye contact with Jason and very little with her mother. And, personally, if that had been my child on her 4th b-day, Jason would have had to chat with me while I played with her in the water. They seemed to have basically ignored the child — although she seemed used to that. I don’t know just seemed weird to me.

  13. Suzanne

    January 20, 2009 at 3:01 PM

    A few episodes ago, it was Robin Thicke singing to Jason and his date (Jillian?), Alan Thicke’s lookalike son! Love your re-caps Steve!

  14. Laurie

    January 20, 2009 at 3:09 PM

    Great column Steve, read it every week.
    I’m starting to think like you as I watch the show.

    Just a note: I had to look up Chris’s blog and the comment about his wife’s 25th b’day. I looked on imdb and it said he married his high school sweetheart in 1993 and they have a child. I think he was joking when he said his wife’s 25th b’day,.. ’cause then he said ‘Your welcome Gwen’ or something like that.

    oh and.. I’m Canadian!!! and I want Jillian to bag him. Not just because she is Canadian, but because she seems more normal, fun and easy-going than the rest of them. At first I thought the hot dog thing was kind of lame.. but I’m starting to like her more and more.

    Thanks Steve!

  15. Laurie

    January 20, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    I just realized after reading some of the comments, that others already picked up on the Gwen not really being 25 thing.

  16. Shelley

    January 20, 2009 at 3:49 PM

    Glad you’re back, Steve. It was completely abnormal with no recap from you last week.

    What on earth was barfing Shannon wearing to the RC anyway? It looked like some silky mumu dress that Mrs Roper wore on Three’s Company. I could’ve done with out the vomit sound effects too.

    That kiss with Nikki was the most awkward I can recall in Bach history. I really was shocked that J kept Megan. After all the drama and her reactions, plus the I’m God’s Gift, Worship Me comments, how could he keep her there over Kari?

  17. Marie

    January 20, 2009 at 4:15 PM

    I have a serious problem with Stephanie’s makeup. Does it bother anyone else? Eyebrow pensil goes on eyebrows. Lipstick goes on lips not the face around the lips. I can’t believe this “clown” gets a rose. Don’t get me started on parenting issues, such as why she would allow her child to meet a man that soon will dump (hopefully) her Mom…

  18. cindy

    January 20, 2009 at 4:22 PM

    sorry, dude… chris harrison was writing happy 25th to his wife as a joke. she’s his college sweetheart, and they’ve been married over 10 years. other than that, loved your write-up– keep up the good work!

  19. Lisa

    January 20, 2009 at 5:55 PM

    And the Hoover Dam being make by nature….what a ding-dong!

  20. jill

    January 20, 2009 at 11:11 PM

    Stephanie’s eyebrows drive me insane. She might be pretty if she hadn’t plucked out her eyebrows and drawn them on somewhere else. Why doesn’t someone tell her?

    And does anyone else think Shannon looks like she’s been out living with the wolves or something? She might try to brush her hair once in a while.

    This crop of girls sucks.

    And that wasnt’ ALAN Thicke… it was his kid.

  21. Nichelle

    January 20, 2009 at 11:27 PM

    Steve-O: I agree with Jill and Marie. Stephanie’s make-up is awful. Shannon is a complete whack job. Megan is a Bi-otch. You’re right Jill, these crop of girls do suck. And Jason needs a stylist. His wardrobe was better when he was chasing after that little witch DeAnna. However, he seems very sincere with these gals.. But I just can’t imagine that he actually proposed to someone from this group! Amazing!

    Alan Thicke? Come on Steve-O!!!!!
    You’re sure know how to bring the LOLs!!!!!

  22. Donna

    January 21, 2009 at 1:06 AM

    Bob is gay. He is open and it is well known. I would have loved to have seen a blog of your’s about last weeks Biggest Loser episode! And does Shannon remind anyone else of Karen, the cartoon girl from Frosty the Snowman with those teeth!?!

  23. Lorena

    January 21, 2009 at 1:41 PM

    http://www.modelmayhem.com/pics.php?id=710983

    There are some pictures of Jason’s ex-wife on this site. She’s gorgeous!

  24. Carolyn

    January 21, 2009 at 3:00 PM

    Great recap! As usual, it was hysterical!

  25. Peaches

    January 21, 2009 at 4:00 PM

    Wow – Jason’s wife is stunning, more stunning than the women on this season’s Bachelor. I still want to know why she and Jason divorced. Anybody have any info on that? I haven’t heard Jason utter a word about their break-up.

  26. Jennifer

    January 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM

    Ha! Love the comment about Nikki’s “window of goodies”. The girl knows how to work it. I was marveling at how the tatas stayed so perfectly in place – that dress was a knockout!

    Your comments, as usual, have me laughing. I always look forward to your fabulous blog. Thanks for taking the time to write it! It’s witty and funny, and it’s obvious you take a lot of time to do it. Thanks for your efforts – it’s always a great read!

  27. Lesleezplz

    January 22, 2009 at 1:33 PM

    Wait, Jason’s Ex is taller than him…maybe that is why the marriage failed! She wanted to wear heels!

    Word on the street is that his ex walked out and never looked back. I still have to catch up on the last two episodes but from the girls here at work it sounds like things are kinda slow this season. Maybe his Ex didn’t find him stimulating enough!

    Well, hope it works out with the Dallas girl that he picked! We will no doubt be reading about it for months to come.

  28. Jen

    January 22, 2009 at 1:39 PM

    I like Stephanie. WITHOUT MAKEUP. She seems the most
    normal of the bunch. And where is she half the time…certainly not in the room that I can see. Anyway – Im sure the entire day at legoland was a great time for all of them – we only see like 5 mins so who is to say what kind of interaction the kid made with either of them. She’s 4. Shannon is creepy – but I’m sure they’ll keep her around a while.

    WHO are you picking Steve????

  29. Cor a Looker

    January 23, 2009 at 2:23 PM

    Love it Steve. Although you need to know that the c**k blocking doesn’t pertain to women. It’s called gina blocking. When a woman is shut down by a man, or in the case of Stephenie, a 4 year old, then she has had her gina blocked full and well. When a man has been slapped away that is c**k blocking. Btw, can I actually say gina on here? ^.^;

  30. Susie Q

    January 23, 2009 at 9:54 PM

    Anybody check out the ebay listings of the breast cast? Or the beast casts as they are all listed… that is funny…

    Naomi, Shannon and Megan has no bids, and the starting bid is $99. Melissa and Jillian are both tied with $500 bids.

    One question.. what would I do with this? The economy is bad, and I don’t see a need for a breast cast in my collection of crap I have at the house.

  31. kiki

    January 24, 2009 at 11:54 AM

    Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke’s son. He’s the SON of the actor on the past sitcom.

  32. Medicinegal

    February 5, 2009 at 2:05 AM

    In the clue K Moon/Rebecca

    Could “Rebecca” be a clue to Jason’s sister-in-law? Rebecca Romijn is Charlie O’Connell’s sister-in-law. He is a previous Bachelor. Jason mentioned in his blog that his sister-in-law is more like a sister to him. If the family if flown to NZ, then maybe she weighs in on who is the best match for him and convinces him to change his mind.

  33. athena

    February 6, 2009 at 11:39 AM

    Does anyone know whatever happened to Tessa Horst? I can’t seem to find anything on her after she and her bachelor broke up.

  34. Lily

    February 10, 2009 at 1:14 PM

    You mentioned that the forward slash represents separation, so, I was thinking perhaps Rebecca stands for Melissa. The format of the names matches up. The “cc” corresponds to the “ss” in Melissa, therefore she is separated from whoever or whatever K Moon is. Was any of that closer to the truth?? 😀

  35. Ryvetted

    February 10, 2009 at 3:36 PM

    You’ve made this season come alive!!
    Thanks for the fun!!

  36. pam

    February 11, 2009 at 6:37 PM

    Does the Rebecca clue have anything to do with the meaning of Rebecca — “to tie”? Maybe Jason wears 2 different ties at the FRC to throw off the screen cappers?

  37. RKS

    February 11, 2009 at 7:24 PM

    Are the clues Rebecca and Montreal accrostic.

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