-To say the last week has been utter chaos would be an understatement. For those that haven’t checked the site since last Tuesday, you’ve missed A LOT. Go back and read the three posts I’ve made since then. It will explain everything I’m about to get into. Short version: I have gotten information regarding this seasons finale that will definitely have everyone talking. This isn’t a publicity stunt, I’m not getting paid, and this is not something minor. I’d rank it equally as shocking, if not more shocking, than the Brad Womack finale. I truly think it’s that big. I didn’t really know how I was going to keep this in since I’m terrible at keeping secrets, but, I’ve decided to take a different route. And that route is inspired by Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, co-executive producers of “Lost”. Basically, that’s what this site is going to turn into for the next month, an episode of “Lost.” You see, I’ve decided to have a little fun with what I know and this is all going to be kind of one big puzzle until the finale airs. I want to make this entertaining and something you’ll look forward to coming to every week til the season is over. You’ll have questions, I’ll give you answers (some vague, some definitive), but in the end, when everything is said and done, it’s all going to make sense. Believe me. Everything I know will be revealed in my column the day after the finale airs. No recap. Just immediately straight into what I promised you I knew back in January. In fact, at the end of todays column, you’ll be receiving your first clue regarding this seasons finale. More on that later.
-Also, since I mentioned I had this “exclusive” information regarding the finale late last Tuesday, there have been numerous questions, points, comments, accusations, theories, and a whole bevy of other things that have popped up on the internet. The “Bachelor” world apparently has been turned upside down based on everything I’ve read. So I wanted to announce that tomorrow, I’ve decided to answer 20 questions. I’ve hand picked 20 questions that have come up over the last week regarding what I know, and answer them truthfully. Like I said, some will be definitive answers, some will be vague, and some won’t give anything at all away. But I can tell you, some theories being thrown around will be immediately discredited. Some answers will probably lead to more questions (Hey, just like “Lost”. I’m sorry, I’ve just become a huge geek regarding the way “Lost” tells its stories and it’s starting to rub off on me). But, you will get answers tomorrow, I promise. Hell, the Q&A is already written. I’m just waiting to post it tomorrow so you can read todays column, have fun with the clue, then come back tomorrow for a little more insight that could help you out. If you really cannot wait to start getting answers, I can tell you that the Q&A column will post at 12:00am, central standard time tonight. Ok, on to last night episode.
-Immediately we start off with something I haven’t commented on all season, yet we’ve seen it pretty much every episode. And that’s apparently the blue bath robe with the white polka dots that I’m assuming every girl got for appearing on the show. Really? That’s the best ABC could do? That putrid thing? Give em’ a t-shirt. Or some sex toys. An ugly bathrobe? Some budget ABC must have. Blech. If I don’t see another one of those again the rest of my life, it still won’t be soon enough. They’ve ALL got one. I wonder if any of them actually kept it for longer than four seconds after arriving home. And oh yeah, Host Chris tells them they’ll all be going to Seattle to visit Jason, there will be two 1-on-1 dates, and a group date. And bring your robes. Instead of a bra burning ceremony, it’s gonna be those things. Look, I’m sure they’re comfortable and all, I’m just sick of seeing them.
-So we see Jason arriving at home in Seattle as his sister-in-law is playing with Ty. For those who have never seen pictures of Jason’s ex-wife, how many of you immediately thought that, “Holy crap, that’s Jason’s ex-wife with Ty. We’re finally getting to see her!?” The other funny thing I noticed, was as Jason was walking up to his place, there was a quick shot of an Obama/Biden poster on somebodys front lawn. Hey, the last thing I will ever do in this column is talk politics. It drives me nuts. But, I guess we know now ABC must be a bunch of Democrats. Or maybe that was Jasons front yard and he’s a Democrat. Whatever. I could care less. I just thought it was funny to see the sign there. We get a Jason/Ty reunion next and that makes everyone all warm and fuzzy inside. I, however, am starving so decide to get up and get some Uncrustables. What are Uncrustables? Only the greatest invention ever. Frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that you defrost in the refrigerator. As much as I love going back to California to see my niece and nephew, part of my excitement stems from there will always be Uncrustables ready to eat in the fridge. Hey, I love you guys to death but, ummmm, those are for Uncle Titi. I hoover those things like its my last meal. Four bites. Done. Next one please.
-So Jason goes to meet the women at their hotel, tells Melissa she has the first 1-on-1 date, and to be ready at 7:30. Then my favorite part of this episode happens (well, one of my favorites). It’s time for Ty Mesnick, child actor to kick in. Gee, really? It just so happened that Ty didn’t want daddy to go on his date so he starts being grumpy. I wonder how much convincing it took him to do that. Maybe some Uncrustables? A longer stay on the pony rides at the state fair? I didn’t buy this for a second. Before the thought of even the first 1-on-1 date entered anybodys head, I’m guessing one of the story editors (check the closing credits) came up with, “Hey, I know! Let’s have one of the girls get all dressed up for her date ready to go. Then we’ll have Ty act like he doesn’t want daddy to leave, have Jason make the call to simulate what it would be like for this girl if they end up together, and we’ll completely change the date up on her?” Brilliant. Bravo. “Ty, you ready? Ok, act like you don’t want daddy to leave. Good boy. Aaaaannnnnndd scene!” I hope Ty is getting residuals from this mess Daddy is putting him through.
-So Jason places the fake phone call to Melissa about fake Ty faking about not wanting him to go out. I’m guessing here, but I got the sense that the phone call was scripted. “Here Melissa, we’ll just film you responding on the phone like Jason is telling you your date has changed and to just come over to his place. Jason, same with you, explain to her Ty doesn’t want you to leave but for her to get her ass over there quick for a night in. Then we’ll splice everything together making it look like a real phone call.” Man, I should be directing this show. I’d do a better job than them. Jason tells her to come over, she goes wearing her dress she planned on wearing out, then changes into shorts and t-shirt when she’s there. This set off much tension back with the other four girls because they were upset Melissa was going to be the first guy to meet Ty. Yet another reason why the story editor came up with this storyline. To create more drama with the girls who weren’t on the date. They should be up for an Emmy this year. It’s like an episode of “Grey’s”, except with better acting.
-So Jason and Melissa have the basic stay at home date at his place. Nothing special, other than she got to look in and peek at Ty when he was sleeping. Wow. Mother material I tell ya’. Just the way she looked at him made me know she’s ready. These two go back on the couch and he asks about her family and who he’d be meeting if he went back to her hometown. She says her mom, dad, and brother. They’re very close. And they don’t meet a lot of her ex’s. “I don’t bring boys home. They’ve only met two of them.” Uh oh. That was some good foreshadowing for later on this episode, no doubt. Then as they were kissing, I noticed something. I immediately was transfixed on Melissa’s lower back. Wait, is that, it couldn’t be, maybe, what do we have, is that a tramp stamp? Honestly, I could not tell. Either it was the battery pack for her microphone that was showing when she was leaning forward, or Jason will be able to have a little target practice during their overnight date in New Zealand. Oops. Yeah, like that surprises anyone.
-Next up is the group date with Jillian, Molly, and Stephanie. They take a boat out around the harbor to look at all the pretty houseboats. Or, as Jillian, “Hoseboats”. Jason grabbed some alone time with Stephanie to talk about all the fun they’ve had together. Stephanie brought along a friend to. It’s some furry animal that she decided to skin and paste on as the trim to the vest she was wearing. I’m guessing PETA wasn’t thrilled with Stephanies outfit. I have no idea what that was, where she bought it, or what animal she pissed off in the process of getting it, but it just looked odd. With that aside, they talked about marriage, and love, and all the gooey stuff this show isn’t about. Stephanie: “I can see us having a family together.” Yes, me too. And when you say “us”, I’m assuming you mean, you, Sophia, and Peter Cottontail wrapped around your neck.
-After the boatride around the harbor, time to head up to the radio station for some fun. 106.1 KISS FM with Jackie and Bender, two local Seattle radio pukes. Sorry. As many of you know, my background is in radio. I’ve done it on and off for close to ten years, and just watching other cities host in their element just makes me laugh. Every single morning show DJ, especially on stations called KISS FM (Seattle, LA, Dallas, NY, and tons more) are all pretty much the same. Their topics and stories they discuss all come from a news service that faxes over their report every morning, all those wacky phone bits where they call up the boyfriend and try and get him to admit he’s cheating while the girlfriend is silent on the other end is all pre-recorded, etc. Every single prank phone call is pre-recorded. How? Because most of the pranks are people that end up getting pissed off and cursing. Well, if it’s live, you can’t bleep out the cursing. Common sense. I hope some of you are better informed now. It’s all the same people. Nothing is quite as funny or genuine as it seems when it comes to morning FM radio. Hey, just like this season.
-So Jackie and Bender (the married couple morning show DJ’s, how cute), start grilling Jason on-air with the girls in the other room and unable to hear. Although Melissa and Naomi are listening back at the hotel on the radio. Wait, Jackie and Bender are the morning show team on 106.1 from 5-10am. So how are they all the sudden hosting the night show? And if this was filmed back in late October/early November, would the citizens of Seattle be spoiled as to three of the women in the final five? The hosts did mention Molly, Stephanie, and Jillian were in studio, and that they were three of the five girls remaining on the “Bachelor.” So you’re telling me with all these long drawn out contracts the contestants have to sign, and the lengths this show goes to so that secrets don’t get out, they just randomly told everyone in Seattle three months ago who three of the final five girls were? Not buying it, yet again. I’m sure that whole thing was staged and was never live. Although confirmation from any readers in Seattle would be nice. Melissa and Naomi were back at the hotel probably listening to the lame CD hotels give you with the waves crashing.
-Whatever the case, J&B grill Jason “on-air.” Yeah, so they’re also talking about dates that none of the listeners will have seen yet, nor understood. It’s television people. They asked what the best date he went on was, and he says the date with Stephanie and her daughter. Jackie and Bender act interested or that they care considering they’ve never seen it. Then they put Jason on the spot and ask him which one is the best kisser. Ooooooooohhhhhh. Juicy stuff. He admits Molly. So wacky radio DJ morning/night people decide to play a game. They’re gonna blindfold him and tell him to make out with all three women and see if he can guess who it is. Nice blindfold. It’s a feather boa that they probably stole from Stephanies closet. Yeah, real tough to see through that. Anyway, the order went Jillian, Stephanie, and Molly and he guessed all three with ease. Molly: “I always grab his face when I kiss him.” Well, way to play along. And this whole time, I thought this would be such, a fun, spontaneous, and difficult game. But there you go, dropping clues in when you kissed. What was Jillians clue: “I forced my tongue into his mouth and fondled his tonsils.” Outstanding. Some sports you are. Based on the three kisses, none of them compared to Megans rape job on his tongue last week. Steamy.
-Then crazy, wacky, zany married morning DJ team of Jackie and Bender decided to completely make the situation even more awkward by asking each woman what they liked in bed. Oh I get it. Now they’re trying to be Howard Stern or Mancow knockoffs. Gotcha. This was my second favorite part of the episode. Molly, you’re first up. Tell us how you want it.
Molly: “I’m a lingerie type of girl. I know its kinda pointless since it comes off right away, but I like to feel wanted.” Ah-ha. I knew I liked this Molly chick for a reason. Take it off baby. All of it. And don’t waste any time. Me likey Molly.
Jillian: “I like fun when it comes to sex.” Don’t we all, sweetheart. I bet you like it fun. Do you like him to dress up as a Mountie and come riding in to save you? Or is your fun more directed as something to do with his hot dog?
Stephanie: “I want to make sure he’s completely taken care of and I kiss every part of him.” Like I expected anything different coming from her. Something tells me all of her love-making takes place involving candle-lit rooms, rose petals, and an Enya CD playing in the background. Call me crazy.
-So after the night at the radio station, with that hilarious husband and wife combo morning DJs, the ladies and Jason return to the Georgian hotel for some late night talking. He pulls Jillian aside because he feels that she hasn’t been herself since they got there. Jillain: “I haven’t been myself. I’m stressed oat.” The conversation turned to expectations and she didn’t want him to think that she’s got everything mapped out so perfectly and that, hell, I don’t know. I lost interest here. She rambled on and on and on, and she talks very fast, so I quit writing and made sure Maddie’s water bowl was filled and she had eaten. I did hear him ask who he’d meet and what they’d do if he went her hometown. She said her dad, mom, and her cousin and they’d do picnics and campfires. Sounds like a rip-roaring good time. What about log rolling? Or moose hunting? Or any other Canadian stereotypes that aren’t coming to me right now because it’s late and I’m tired? All while this was going on at the hotel, Naomi’s date box arrived and she felt Melissa was getting jealous. Hey Naomi, Jennifer Beals called and wants her “Flashdance” sweater covering one shoulder back. “She’s a maniac, maaaaaaniac, on the floor.”
-So Molly gets to walk the streets of Seattle with Jason while Jillian stews after seeing them leave. Jillian: “I think everythings going great, then I see him leave with Molly, and I get discouraged a-GAIN.” Molly informs him that she was in a serious relationship for three years that her parents did not approve of. And she will not be with someone ever again who her family does not like. Thanks for the heads up. And oh yeah, she says when they go home, they can play beer pong with the family. Really? Beer pong? Are you sure you want to start with such a classy game? Wouldn’t want Jason to think you’re a bunch of ‘billies now, would we? Look, if you’re out of college and still playing beer pong, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t need games to drink. I’ll just drink at whatever pace I feel like. Molly: “It feels great to be kissing Jason in Seattle. And I’m gonna be doin’ it the rest of my life.” Wow. Someone seems sure of themselves. How about you do this? When you head home for the hometown dates, go to the mall, head into Victorias Secret, and get a head start on the lingerie you’re gonna wear for Jason. And while you’re at it, make sure the cameras follow you into the dressing room when you’re trying stuff on. Oh, the cameras aren’t allowed in there? That’s illegal? I could be arrested? Crap.
-Naomis date is on a seaplane. Although, she originally thought it was a helicopter. Ask Host Chris. They board it, and going flying all over the city. Weeeeeeee!!!!!! While they’re whizzing around town, they show the other four girls at the hotel and Stephanie has daughter Sophia on speaker phone so the rest of the girls can hear. I believe this was supposed to show us that, no, Stephanie did not ditch her kid completely for the time she was on the show. She was on the one play date at Legoland and now is getting to talk to her again. Also, it was to show us that Melissa wears a blue mask to keep her face clean. Good thing Jason didn’t see that. He might’ve gotten scared. So was that a polish or just a face cleanser? Neutrogena? Maybe Melissa is competing to be the next Neutrogena girl? I remember when my former lover, Jennifer Love Hewiit, was the spokeswoman. And then it went to my other ex, Kristin Kreuk, from “Smallville.” Then I believe Mandy Moore had it for a little bit. Then Hayden Panettiere. I have no idea who it is now. The fact I could even name those four makes me feel emasculated. Please, don’t hold it against me.
-After flying on the seaplane/helicopter, Jason and Naomi bring their date to? The mall! In particular, an REI store so they can go rock climbing. So she gets to show him her fun, athletic, I’m-not-just-a-model-who-is-repped-by-the-same-company-as-your-ex wife side. Know, she’s much, much deeper. In fact, they even shared a kiss as they were hanging by ropes. This is all going just great. If only they could’ve brought in Nitro and Blaze to chase these two up the wall, that would’ve made it ten times more exciting. And then to watch them dodge tennis balls together as more roided out monsters try and prevent them from scoring more points. Don’t you love how they brought back “American Gladiators”, every one was fired up in the beginning, and then it just crashed and burned like we all thought it would? Hulk Hogan? Really? Laila Ali? Yeah, she’s quite a TV host. Just because she can waltz, doesn’t mean she can co-host a TV show. I can honestly say, Laila Ali was the worst “talent” to ever appear on TV in the last five years. Her scripted lines were so poorly read, I actually started to feel bad for her. Like “bad” as in I was laughing my ass off every time she was on screen.
-Time for Naomi to go deep. She starts talking about family. Apparently home life isn’t great in Naomi’s world. Mother abandonment issues, and she feels a lot of whats in her mom could happen with her. Naomi: “I climbed a wall today and walls came down. I’m letting him in.” Whoa. Easy sweetie. TMI. Save that for some alone time in the future. REI may ask you to reimburse them if you make a mess in their store. I say you take things slow, maybe get to second base, then put on the brakes. This is a family show. It’s about love. And relationships. And building a future together with a total stranger you met six weeks ago that’s supposed to propose to you at the end. No need for all this sex talk. It cheapens the moment. I feel violated just listening to this. Respect my feelings, you know? I come to this show for one reason and one reason only. To look for a love story. Sure they’re 0-for-12 so far, but dammit if they don’t pour their heart and soul into trying to make this thing work. And then to have you crap all over it with your sexual innuendos makes me want to vomit. Moving on. This disgusts me.
-Hey now! Next scene is back at the hotel with the four girls talking about Naomi, and two of them are in a bubble bath together in bikinis! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Woop Woop! Holla! Maidenhawk, take it off! Take it all off! (If anyone got that reference, I’d suggest you fill out an application to be my wife). Melissa and Jillian are soaping each other down in the tub while Stephanie and Molly look on and I slowly pull down my pants. What? Sorry. Each of them are discussing their own insecurities and why they think they might be going home. Hell if I remember what any of them said. Melissa and Jillian are sitting in a bubble bath in bikinis people! How do you expect me to concentrate in a moment like this? The thoughts that went running through my head in this scene were of X-rated proportions. And involved Nikki. They could’ve been discussing global warming for all I know. Or what douchebags they thought Jackie and Bender were. Whatever the case, nothing got accomplished in this scene for me other than the thought of what was happening underneath all the bubbles. Were Melissa and Jillians legs intertwined? Did they even bother putting bottoms on to their bikinis? How did the camera guy not get a hard on?
-The morning of the rose ceremony (or so they tell us), Jason takes Jillian out for some coffee and croissants that remain untouched while he grills her more on if she wants to remain there. She says she does, says she’s always making sure the other girls are ok, but should probably start concentrating on herself because, you know, there’s only five left. Does Jillian know she’s on the “Bachelor?” She’s been informed of this right? She understands why cameras are following her around, correct? Ok, just checking. Anyway, these two waste a good $15 forked over by ABC by not touching their food or drink and she assures him she’s there for him, she definitely can see herself being married, and in no way does she ever want him to think that she’s not there for the right reasons. And oh yeah, in the bubble bath hot tub the night before, her and Melissa shared an intimate moment when Stephanie and Molly left. It involved two words: pocket rocket.
-The next fifteen minutes of the show was the porch side chat with Jason and Host Chris. Sweet. Host Chris got to make the trek up to Seattle. Something tells me he stayed at Jasons pad since these guys chat like they were grade school buddies. Maybe he booted Ty from his Ricky Schroeder race car bed and chilled there. Whatever the case, these two shot the breeze on the porch like a couple old grandpas and gossiped about the woman. Same ol’, same ol’. Nothing important. Other than the fact that people seem to be claiming that wasn’t really Jason’s house and was just a set. Who knows? Who cares? Like anything on this show is real anyway. A very insignificant plot point that I hope none of waste too much time worrying about. If you do, while you’re at it, find out how much Ty got paid to “interrupt” Jasons date with Melissa, and how KISS FM Seattle is convinced people want to listen a married couple when they wake up every morning.
-Lets get to the rose ceremony. Jason needs to say something first. “This week has been unreal. Thank you for coming here. It’s been a tough, tough week having to decide which four homes I want to visit. I’ve gotten most of my questions answered. Most of them. Naomi, can I see you real quick? Somethings bothering the piss out of me?” They leave to another room and he asks, “So, uhhhhh, yeah. We have some time to kill because the editing team dropped some other footage, so let’s pretend I’m struggling with my decision and let me ask you this. Do you think you’re ready for the life I have?” Naomi: “Yes. I’m over the bar scene. I’m ready to be married and I’m here for you.” Jason: “Are we good? Is that enough footage? Cool. Ok, let’s go out in the other room. They’re ready for us.”
Jillian: He was so turned on by her bubble bath story, he was sweating profusely.
Melissa: I think as she walked back after accepting her rose, she looked at Jillian and made a “V” with her two fingers while sticking her tongue in between them. I think I saw that.
Molly: She was nervous before about going home when Jason took Molly away to kill time. Now she’s thrilled her lingerie collection can be put to use.
“Ladies, Jason, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready.” Hey, well look at this. In Host Chris’ blog this week, he spends his whole last paragraph discussing everyones favorite phrase. Funny, no mention of the Reality Steve spoiler this week. I wonder why?
Naomi: I can’t wait to see her kooky mom next week.
-Time for the waterworks portion of the show to begin. As all five ladies stand there holding hands, it’s speech time for Jason. He needs to send Stephanie home in the most respectable way possible. “You are, the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I think we are all better people because of meeting you here. You are a beautiful person, outside and in. I’m so glad to have met you.” Cut! Jason you reversed a couple lines there. Let’s roll again. Quiet on the set! Take 2 people! Bachelor season 13, episode 5, Jasons scripted farewell to Stephanie we wrote for him last week, take two! Action!
-Jason tells Stephanie he wanted it to be there and he wishes it was there, but it wasn’t. Oh darn. Stephanie: “If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.” Then she made a reference to seeing her husband Steve in heaven someday. I’m willing to be that most women cried during the last five minutes of this show. Was it sad? Sure. Was it real? Ummmmmm, that’s another question. I think we’re really seeing a lot of interesting opinions coming out from bachelorettes who Jason booted this season. Check out Megans, and Shannons, and Nikkis exit interviews from last week here, Then draw your own conclusions: RealityTVworld.com.
-Next week, hometown dates. Our previews show Jillian telling us her mother was diagnosed with depression 15 years ago. I’m sure that’ll be a real peppy time in Canada. Mollys parents grill Jason because they don’t want her with another loser who’ll waste 3 years of her life. Melissa tells Jason he’ll be meeting her friends now because her parents are a bit uncomfortable with the publicness of the show. I’ll have more on that next week. And Naomis mom is lunatic. Her idea of fun is burying a dead dove in the backyard. Good times. Can’t wait.
-Ok, here’s what I’m sure you’ve been waiting for, time for your first clue. There is no rhyme or reason as to why this is the first clue I’m giving out. I have about fifty I could give and somehow have to narrow it down to four, one a week for the next four weeks. Some will be more revealing than others. They could be huge determining factors to what happens in the finale, or they could just be a piece of what happens. The clues themselves are obscure, but their meaning and how they relate to the finale aren’t. I cannot stress this enough, after the finale airs, all the clues will be fully explained, and they will all make sense as to why I posted them. Also, each one of these clues could mean any number of things. I’m sure you people will come up with numerous things you think they mean, and that’s the fun in this. These clues are going to be short, extremely difficult, and probably won’t make much sense, but, they do mean something in regards to the finale. When I tell my story after the finale airs, you will go back and understand why I chose these clues, how they made sense, and better understand what it is I knew and how I knew it. Once I give the clue, it’s final. I won’t be answering any questions regarding the clue itself, even though I’m sure you’ll have some. The clue is the clue. Do with it what you want. Are you ready? Ok, the first clue is:
That’s it. Have fun. Come back tomorrow for the “Q&A” session. I think a lot of you will get some answers that you were looking for. And a lot of you will have more questions. Who knows? Maybe it’ll lead to another “Q&A” as we get closer to the finale. But I did want to address a few of the main concerns being asked about what I know. So there you have it. See you tomorrow.