The Bachelor Recap – 2/9/09

-I’m wondering if I should even bother with a column this week. Hell, looks like all anyone cares about is the clues anyway. Ha ha. So before we get started, let me reiterate something I said from the very beginning of when I started giving these clues away. And that is, I’m never going to address whether or not any of your guesses are right. A lot of you have specifically emailed me asking direct, precise questions, and I just can’t answer those. It would defeat the purpose of giving clues. As a result, a lot of you received the “Sorry, I can’t confirm or deny this” email last week. I said from the beginning the clues would be vague. I said from the beginning the clues would be hard to tie into the finale. If you don’t like the clues, fine, don’t worry about them. My column is exactly the same now as its always been. The only thing different is I’m throwing a clue in at the end. Did I think the clue would give us 1,300 comments in one column and create a thread on FORT that has 2,800 posts? Uh, no. That’s been shocking. However, I thought this would be a lot more fun than it is. A lot of you are getting completely carried away. I take full responsibility for this mess it’s turned into. This has gotten way out of hand. Worse than I thought, and I feel bad. In the immortal words of Rodney King. Can’t we all just get along?

-I’ve gotten asked a lot what my problem is with FORT. I don’t really have a problem with them at all. Sure, there are some on there who think they know everything, however, I’m afraid to tell them, this season they don’t. Hey, they do an excellent job of posting screen caps and pictures, and there’s even some good discussion on things every once in a while. And in seasons past, they’ve all but nailed the final outcome. Congratulations to you. But just because I’ve become privy to information they don’t have, or haven’t figured out yet, the venom that some people spew over there is downright hilarious. Geez. It’s a TV show. It’s ok not to know something. As I’ve said 1,000 times and I’ll keep saying, I am not a spoiler site. I’ve never claimed to be. If I was, I would’ve told you what I know by now. However this season, I’m very aware of something that a huge part of the viewing and internet audience isn’t. And that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing. Just enjoy the ride, have fun with the clues, and I will spill everything that I know once the season is over. The clues are not that far removed from what I know about the finale. This isn’t six degrees of separation or anything. More like two or three. Or four.

-Something that came up in this last week are comments that seem to be disappearing from the site. Really? There’s over 1,300 comments from last Thursdays column. I can’t imagine what didn’t make it on there. I don’t delete anything. The only thing that was deleted was last Wed. afternoon, I posted that at midnight, I’d be answering questions to the K Moon/Rebecca clue, plus more questions that people had. I believe from the time I posted that til midnight that night, there were in upwards of about 60 comments on it. Once I posted the “K Moon/Rebecca & More Answers” post, I deleted the two sentence post regarding the announcement, so away went the comments with it. If those are the comments people are talking about, then yes, they were deleted. But only because the new column went up. Go read through those 1,300 comments. There are plenty of people mad and upset at me. Hell, I’M mad and upset at me for underestimating you people. I can’t believe what this site has turned into. But hey, for all you know, someone guessed the clue already and its sitting in one of the comments section. But I’m not going to acknowledge it. You can go back at the end of the season and look to see who, if anyone, was right.

-These clues are here to tell a story. Once all four clues are given, and then in the final column are defined what they are, you will realize I never led anyone on. So yes, basically the clues are there to justify I knew what I did without giving it away before the finale airs. Doesn’t mean you still can’t guess what they are, because some of you are on the right track. But tying all the clues into how they play in the finale? Yeah, that’s gonna be pretty difficult. I don’t see anyone doing that. The clues do not tell you who the final one is. The clues are part of what I know, which is information very few people that I know are aware of. You’re right, I could’ve not said I knew anything and then just dropped it all on you after the finale, but you wouldn’t have believed me. And that wouldn’t have been any fun. You would’ve just thought, “Well you just made that up based on what you saw.” At least this way, it holds your interest and has you looking deeper into what the show is airing. Then once the clues are defined, you’ll realize I knew exactly what I was talking about. I can’t possibly make that any clearer. And yes, I’m still a complete idiot for not making any money off this.

-With that said, this week is going to work much, much differently. You will get your clue at the end of this column, but I will not be playing 20 questions this week, nor will I be answering many questions about the clue. This has really worn me out the last week, I’ll be honest. I was not expecting this at all. The depths people are going through to find stuff out is mind boggling. So I basically just need to take a step back, and do the only thing I’ve wanted to do since I broke this news to you, and that’s let the season play out. Have fun with the clues, search your message boards, do whatever you want, but I’m pretty much gonna remove myself from the situation for the time being. I’m definitely regretting this and would’ve never guessed it would turn into something this big. And its through no fault but my own, so I take full responsibility. I knew this would drum up interest, but not nearly like this. So lets have fun with the rest of the season, and when March 3rd rolls around, I’ll explain how all the pieces to the puzzle fit in. Until then, please, don’t take this so seriously. With that said, I’m officially putting an end to one rumor that will not die, and has grown some legs in the comment section, and that’s if Stephanie returns. No, she doesn’t. If you read any guesses that involve the word “Stephanie”, just skip to the next one. She has nothing to do with anything that happens the rest of the season.

-One last humorous note. A lot are dissecting what I said about “Not everything is as seems.” I guess the actual way to say that phrase is “Not everything is as IT seems.” Ha ha, I never knew that. And I noticed someone referenced the fact that because that line was uttered incorrectly during the “Karate Kid”, and because I’m such a fan of 80′s movies, then that’s where I got it from. Bingo. I’m dead serious. It is. Mr. Miyagi told Daniel in the movie “Not everything is as seems”, so I’ve basically lived the rest of my life thinking that’s how you say it. Of course now, with people dissecting every word I write, I come to find out that’s not the correct phrase. Oops. So for those who thought I intentionally left out the “it”, I don’t know what you tell ya’ other than you read too much into that one. But funny that someone linked it back to the “Karate Kid.” Hilarious. Ok, on to last night.

-I think within the first ten seconds of the show, I immediately was hit with a brick across the face on how crazy this whole thing has become in regards to the exclusive news I have. As you know, the “Bachelor” got pushed back an hour because of President Obama addressing the nation for the first time. So here is, talking about the economy, how this stimulus bill will work, how we’re in one of the greatest recessions of all time, you know, important stuff. Then that news conference ends, and immediately, the next thing on our TV is Chris Harrison saying, “This week on ‘The Bachelor’”. Just seemed inappropriate that such crap followed such an important news conference. I felt like such a loser American for giving two sh**s about the “Bachelor”. I hope that hit some of you too. This isn’t life and death. My clues aren’t the secret to the holy grail. Have fun with it, but lets not get carried away. Lets try and keep things in perspective here. There are much more pressing issues in this world other than who Jason picks. May seem obvious, but after reading the message boards, and some of the comments on my page, sometimes I think that gets lost in all this.

-So Jason arrives in Kelowna, British Columbia for his day with Jillian. I believe that’s where she said her grandparents moved when she was 4. And she spent her whole childhood hanging out by some lake, and that she had so much fun riding in some boat, and meeting up with the Lochness monsters brother, Ogopogo. Blah blah blah. Hell if I remember. Jason gets there and seems excited to see her and immediately she’s boring him with some story about what she did in her summers 20 years ago and mythical monsters that live in the water. C’mon, Jillian. The guy is looking for more tongue at this point. You really think he’s interested in this at all? Sure, he may act like it. But not really. He figured if he’s gonna come all this way to see you, some groping and heavy petting is the least you can do right off the bat. Yeah, it might be cold there and you guys are all bundled up, but even that adds a little fun to it. Getting felt up in 30 degree weather can be quite a turn on to some people. Except Jillian, who seems more interested in re-living the yester-years of Kelowna, British Columbia. Fascinating stuff, really. I think I need electric shock therapy at this point.

-To kill the mood even more, Jillian takes Jason to a winery to talk. Oooooohhhh, this is it. He’s probably thinking at this point that maybe she was uncomfortable in the cold, but now that we’re inside, some pants will start coming off. Uhhhh, not quite. Jillians story is that she needs to tell him about her mother that suffered from depression for 15 years. Look, no need to ever comment about anyone suffering from depression. I’m sure it was a hard time to go through and it’s a good thing its over. But this is not an ideal conversation at this point. I’m getting depressed just thinking about depression. Oh wait, there’s more? She goes on to say her mom was in and out of the hospital for a long time, it really affected her parents relationship, and at one point, she even tried to take her own life. Yikes. This is a real mood killer. I understand its part of her and her life experience, I just think I would’ve held off on that one. A real downer. This is supposed to be happy, happy fun time. When he arrived, you were so excited talking 1,000 miles an hour and telling him your lake stories. Now we’re talking about depression and suicide. Great. Where are the party hats and streamers?

-They finally arrive at her parents house, and Jillian can’t wait. “I’m a jumping jelly bean with excitement.” Must be a Canadian thing. Jelly beans are overrated by the way. They’ve kinda fallen by the wayside in terms of important candies of our generation. Who still eats jelly beans anyway? Are they still sold? I can’t remember the last time I saw anyone eating jelly beans. Can you? Wild Canadians. And it gets even wilder when they arrive at the house. The Canadians are waiting with signs, streamers, and a Canadian flag to drape over Jason the second he walks in the door. Uhhh, he’s American. Can we consider Jason a traitor to this country now, like Nina Myers? Or Walt Cummings? Sorry, had to reference “24″ again. How do I know we’re in Canada other than the flag waving and metric system they tried to convert him to? Dad greets Jason. “Hey der guy, ho are ya’?” Dear God, did he just come from the set of “Strange Brew”? Is he the third McKenzie brother? So Jason meets mom Peggy, dad Glenn, cousin Tori and her husband Charles. And they all speak like Pops. Oh, this is going to be fun.

-After discussing what Jason likes on his hot dog again, reminding us that he is a mustard guy which means, ahh crap, I don’t remember. That seems like years ago. Time to sit down for dinner. Mom has a toast to give. I thought toasts were supposed to be done off the top of your head? Especially something as informal as this where its just a sit down dinner. Why did she have a whole speech written out? Whatever the case, here was the speech:

“In your heart, I hope you find love. You certainly deserve to fly like a dove (Oh boy. Talk about foreshadowing). You handled all the pain and joy just like an angel would from above. Pressure makes diamonds and you shine like one. You bring happiness to us all as bright as the sun. (And her toast rhymes too!) You’re as precious to us as the flowers need rain, we will always be there for you, uh-GAIN and uh-GAIN. (In America, “rain” and “again” don’t rhyme. But they sure as hell do in Canada). Life is just like a dance and its just like you to take this chance. We love you.”

You know my favorite part of this speech? As mom Peggy was winding down, the camera had a wide shot of her talking, and Cousin Tori couldn’t even respect the woman enough to wait til she was done start stuffing her face. There she is chewing away, and spinning her fork again ready to chow down while mom is breaking into tears during the speech. Hey Tori, anyone teach you any manners? The food isn’t going anywhere. Wait til the old lady is done with her speech before you start cramming food in your piehole.

-So Peggy takes Jason outside after dinner to run down a list of questions she has for him. “What do you think your responsibilities are as a partner in a marriage?” Jason: “To be a partner.” Wow. Great answer. And this guy was married before? No wonder hot ex-wifey left him. Peggy: “How do you handle conflict?” Don’t remember Jasons answer to this, but I’m sure it wasn’t any good. One thing I wanted to point out during Jason and Peggys chat. Peggy had a tan microplush blanket draped over her the whole time. Well, I could be wrong here, but if I was mistaken, those are the microplush blankets that I sell. Yes, contrary to what some of you may believe, but I do have a job. I rep two companies overseas that manufacture home textiles in the bedding department. Well, I’m 99% sure that that blanket she had over her was one of our blankets. So hey, I’m indirectly helping the “Bachelor” franchise out other than giving them way more attention now because of my clues. I feel like I’m actually contributing some way to our economy now. Oops. That was Canada. She probably got that from Wal-Mart Canada. Not my account. Damn. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

-Jillian talks to her friends in the kitchen about Jason. This is what girls do when the boyfriend is over and is hanging out playing pool or talking to the family. They gossip and she tells the others what she thinks of him. Or what he’s like in bed. One or the other. Anyway, Jillian knows Jason is different than other guys she’s been with. Why? “He actually listens to what you’re saying.” Ha ha. That’s funny. Because I thought you said, “He actually listens to what you’re saying.” Umm, Jillian, I hate to burst your bubble, but, he’s a guy. He’s not listening to sh**. Unless it has something to do with when dinner will be ready or when you’re horny. Other than that, we’re pretty much tuned out the rest of the day. Which is much different than your listening skills. You only listen to what you want to listen to. It’s that whole selective listening thing. Kinda like how my readers have selective reading. I completely discredit certain theories floating around last week, then yet I see guesses that insist on DeAnna, or something ridiculous like that. Or I specifically tell you, “Hey, the clues DO NOT tell you who the final one is”, then I read guesses about how “K Moon/Rebecca” somehow means so-and-so is the final girl. See? Selective reading. You only choose to read/believe what you want to believe, as long as it coincides with what you believe. I’m on to you.

-Everyone is now sitting around talking about Jillians accent and how the girls in the house made fun of her for the talking the way she does. As they should. You do talk funny. And if I were in Canada, I’d talk funny to them. The words she used were “PRO-cess” and “uh-GAIN”. Yep. You sound funny saying those. Don’t forget “or-gan-EYE-zation”, and “a-BOAT”. Jillian is very close to her grandmother and hopes that she shows up. Of course, right after she says that, look who walks in. What impeccable timing by Grandma Marjorie. She’s there long enough to present Jason with a gift. A pair of boxers with the Canadian leaf all over them. And she puts them on his head. Grams, they don’t go there. They go on to cover up the forbidden places of a man. If someone told you they go on his head, they played a cruel, twisted joke on you. I mean, maybe by the end of the night they end up on someones head, if they’re drunk enough. But as for right now, he needs to be wearing them under his clothing. This is getting all very uncomfortable now.

-Now we go to Grand Rapids, Michigan. Hometown of Molly. You know, last season, I really layed into that douchebag Robert for always wearing pink shirts and popping his collar. Well, when Jason shows up to meet Molly at the golf course, she’s decked out in all golfer attire, the argyle sweater, the pink shirt underneath with the popped collar, and the black skirt/shorts. However, if you’re a golfer as I am, you find this incredibly attractive on a woman. Would you ever wear that out on a date? Of course not. But any guy that golfs will admit that there’s something incredibly sexy about a woman in a golf outfit. And Molly is no exception. I’d sure like to get a hole-in-one with her. Get it? I made a sexual innuendo. Then again, I stole that joke from her back from episode one. Hey, great minds think alike. These two start playing a little golf together, and you can tell Molly is pretty good. She knows what she’s doing out there. Head down, left arm straight, etc. No joke. I don’t know what her handicap is, but I’m just saying I think she’s a better than average golfer. Not one that just plays as an excuse to go drinking and doesn’t know any basic golf etiquette. As stated last week, me likey Molly. (Side note: In Host Chris’ blog he does mention that Jason did lose a bet on the course with her and had to give him his pants. Now that’s the kinda bet I’m down with. Molly, you and I can go golfing anytime).

-Molly informs Jason that her parents have only met one guy, and they thought he was a complete tool and didn’t approve. So Jason trying to win them over should be a piece of cake. The family was a little different. Well, the mom was at least. Dad seemed normal, very reserved, and not into his wifes shenanigans at all. Mom decided to break out the family hats. Oh these were just knee slappers all around. Molly had to put on her Burger King crown, Jason looked like Tonto, dad wanted no part of wearing a beer mug hat, and mom was enjoying every second of throwing on her 10 gallon hat. Why do moms constantly feel the need to embarrass their children? Is this necessary? Why not have a normal conversation with your childs new play toy and not bring up once having a birthday for my teddy bear, or that I used to eat dirt, or telling them I was afraid of the Count from Sesame Street so much so that I used to run in the other room until he was off the screen? Thanks Mom. By the way, I have no recollection of that happening. I still contend I was a fan of the Count. My mom begs to differ. “Ah-one, ah-two, ah-three. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

-Molly’s mom decides to take the embarrassing just a bit further by bringing Jason down into her dungeon and force him to draw his lasting memory of Molly. Her mom must be a teacher or something. Who else would make him do this while she stood over his shoulder the whole time watching? I was half expecting her to start berating him out for coloring outside the lines. And lets just say, for being put on the spot like that, Jasons artwork was nothing short of, well, awful. Did Ty come in and draw that? Really? That’s the best you could do? I don’t have an artistic bone in my body and there’s no way I’d want Molly to think she has the mouth of the Joker and the eyes of E.T. Geesh. That was terrible. What the hell is she supposed to do with that? Yeah, like she’s really gonna put that on her refrigerator. Her friends would probably come over and ask when she started dating pre-schoolers. Anyway, just an awkward thing to ask your daughters date to do and Jason failed miserably on that test. An “F” for effort, buddy.

-For whatever reason, Mollys hometown date last night only took a up a whole 9 minutes of screen time. How do I know this? Because I went back a checked the Tivo. She was on from :41-50. Jillian date was on from :16-36 with a commercial break thrown in. Naomi was from :55-1:12, also with a commercial break. I didn’t time Melissa’s, but I know it was more than 9 minutes of screen time. Really, there wasn’t much else to talk about on Mollys date. Here were my notes that I wrote: “Grand Rapids, MI, only brought one guy home, good golfer, popped collar, family hats, drawing picture of most favorite memory of Molly, did Ty do this?” That’s it. That’s all I wrote down in those 9 minutes. So there’s a little insight as to how I write the column every week.

-Next up for the hometown date was Naomi. I mean, wow. Not like we didn’t see this coming from the previews last week, but lets just say, if I were her, I would never bring another guy home to meet my parents ever again. Even though she prepared him and told him that her family was a little bit on the crazy side, I’m guessing nothing prepared him for what he was about to walk into. Lets start off with the hula hoping. Really mom? Hula hoping? Be one with the hula hoop? You’re kidding, right? I think its safe to say Naomi’s mom is completely off her rocker. To me, it seemed like this wasn’t the first time either the kids have had to do this. It was like they all knew what was coming. “Oh God. Here goes my again. Hey Tommy, be sure to do the trick where you hula 10 hoops at once too. That’ll really impress him.” No, I know there wasn’t a Tommy there. Just using it as an example. Come to find out Jasons hula hooping skills are on par with his artistic ability. They’re both crap. But that one, I can’t blame him for. I’m sorry, but if you’re a guy, and you know how to hula hoop, then you’re gay. It’s as simple as that. Hula hooping is for teenage girls and Hooters waitresses. And frankly, I’d much rather watch the Hooters waitresses stand on my table and do that. I get a great view. Of their skills.

-Naomi’s parent are Hector and Joanne and they’re divorced. Gee, can’t imagine why? He’s a bible thumper and she’s a lunatic. So Joanne isn’t done at all with her lunacy as she now tells us the story of the dead dove. This really needed no further explanation other than she thought it would be a good idea if they had a burial for a dead dove that hit her windshield and that she decided to bag up and keep in her refrigerator. Jason can talk all he wants about how his decision to dump Naomi had nothing to do with her family. Let me translate that for you: This decision had everything to do with that bat sh** crazy family of yours. I mean seriously, that whole act is supposed to win him over? Please. Have you noticed that every Bachelor who met a family that was portrayed as odd or weird he’s never ended up picking? Doesn’t that kinda say something? I think everyone wants to marry into a good family. Not ones that take enjoyment out of holding burial ceremonies for doves. If I were her, I’d want my parents to disown me.

-Now its time for Hector to preach the word the Lord to Jason. Kinda funny that daddy Hector is this big religious guy speaking about how he gets all his strength through Jesus and the Lord, and the Lord is the way, the truth, and the life, and the whole time all I could concentrate on were the slot machines in the background, and the fact he had signs for “men” and “women” leading into each bathroom. Is Hector one of these guys I see on my TV at 3:00 in the morning pushing people into a pool of water by their foreheads? Is he running some sort of infomercial scam we don’t know about? I found this all pretty comical. Well, that and the fact that it looked to be a nice 75 or 80 degrees in Lake Elsinore that day and he was decked out in a black suit, Johnny Cash style. Just a weird, weird family. And you’re kidding yourself if you honestly think that didn’t have anything to do with Jasons decision. And just when you thought crazy Joanne was done, nope, not yet. She rescues Jason from the sermon her ex-husband was giving him to talk about something more interesting: re-incarnation. She believes in it. A lot. She has premonitions of things. Something about Indigo that reminds her of Jason. At this point, I was stabbing my pen in my neck, so its kinda hard to make out what the hell I wrote down. When she asked Jason what he thought of re-incarnation, he responded, “I believe anything is possible.” Sure you do. Nice, safe answer to give so you don’t offend Mommy. Cuz you know she probably had a voodoo doll of him in the other room. One last bit of looney tunes? Joanne believes Jason lived a previous life as a mom. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Naomi, don’t blame Jason. Blame your parents. They ruined it for you.

-Naomi has one final talk with her dad and says that “we are so compatible in so many ways, it can just work.” But then she wishes she would’ve had the religion talk earlier because they are in completely opposite worlds when it comes to that. You know what else you’re in different worlds about? Parents. If I remember correctly, Jasons parents didn’t bury dead birds when DeAnna came to visit. Nor did his dad try to convert her into Judaism. So there’s where your biggest difference is. You need to find a guy who likes your underbite, doesn’t mind you putting your modeling pictures up on some bogus photography facebook page, who digs your dads creepy all-black attire, and who isn’t bothered by the fact that your mom once roomed with Hurley during his days in the Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute.

-Now it’s time for Melissas date in Dallas. Hey, that’s where I live. How did I miss this filming? And how come we didn’t see her speeding down the streets of downtown on her motorcycle, a la Jeremy? I think that would’ve been fun to re-visit the days of Jeremy getting downtown closed for him so they could show him cruising on his bike. More on him later. He has a message for everyone. Anyway, Melissa gives Jason a little gift. That being a box from the tooth fairy, so Ty will have a place to put all his teeth when they fall out. That’s cute. However, the tooth fairy is bullsh**. A dollar? Really? I get a dollar because I lost my tooth? That’s the best you can do, lady? What’s in it for you? How are you making money on this whole deal? You collect teeth for a living, and in exchange, give away money. That’s not a profession I’d choose to go into. Doesn’t seem like there’s much upside or potential for advancement. You know the funny thing? How did I never wake up when my parents would replace my tooth with a dollar. Maddie wakes me up once a hour a night now when she re-positions herself on the bed. But apparently reaching under my pillow when I was a kid never had me flinch. Bizarre.

-As we saw last week, Melissa informs Jason that he will be meeting her friends, and not her parents, because they are not into the “publicness of everything.” Oh, ok. I will just choose not to believe that. When I said last week “more on that next week” in regards to Melissa’s parents, what I was getting at was that I just don’t buy it. I have no idea why her parents didn’t appear last night. All seems a little fishy to me. So Melissa informs him that he’ll be meeting Stephanie and her husband Joe, and Morgan, and her husband Jason. They’re all happily married and apparently hate every dude Melissas ever dragged back to them. From the looks of it last night, Melissa doesn’t have the greatest luck with men. Why do I know this? Because her best friends essentially called every guy she’s ever dated a douchebag. They said that all of Melissa’s ex’s never wanted to meet her friends. They liked to hang out in Dallas, go clubbing, get bottle service at the “Ghost Bar”, and just act like most 24 year old hot shots in this city do. So the assessment of her ex’s seemed pretty accurate. Just shocked Melissa would be attracted to such trash.

-They told the story about how Melissas ex from her longest relationship never wanted to meet her friends and would rather hang out with his friends. And she stayed with this guy 7 years? Really? For what? I’m getting the sense that Melissa is VERY insecure. Maybe it has something to do with the fact her parents are private. Maybe because she at one point had to get a breast reduction. Who knows? But she definitely has some issues in her past it seems like. Not judging, just pointing them out. I just know that if someone I’m dating would rather not hang out with my friends, I wouldn’t keep them around for 7 days, let alone 7 years. Isn’t that kind of a dealbreaker? The guy would rather hang with his friends and party then to be with her. Well, then you’re a loser dude. And the fact she even stayed with you that long should be considered a blessing.

-The other weird thing about this whole date was not only do her friends really know nothing about her ex’s, they don’t know anything about her parents either. She doesn’t talk about them much, and only one ever remembered even meeting them and that was from a pool party waaaaay back in the day. That is a little odd, no doubt. And I have no idea what to make of it other than, something tells me this is all being done for show. I know she said her parents never even attended Cowboy games either, but then again, would you? Their franchise is a joke considering they haven’t won a playoff game in 12 years. Ha ha. Low blow. Had to do it. But seriously, I don’t know what her parents deal is. I have no idea why they didn’t show up last night, and I have no idea if the reason of “they don’t like the publicness of everything” is legit. Beats me. I’m just guessing and saying it’s all a made up story. Complete guess. But that’s essentially what this whole date was about. Melissa is a very private person when it comes to her family and her ex’s. But she makes it known she is “110% in love with Jason now.” Because of course we wouldn’t want him leaving thinking anything but that. He’s freaked out by the parents thing already. No need to place more doubt in his mind.

-The porchside chat back in Seattle with Jason and Host Chris was basically a 10 minute recap of what we just saw in the episode. So need to recap that here. One, because I just did. And two, because I see a lot of you are getting antsy that the column isn’t up yet. ABC is muzzling me? Really? You think that? Muzzling me from what? I haven’t told you anything yet. All in good time. It’ll be revealed after the finale. Can a guy just accidentally wake up late and get a late start to writing the column without crazy theories floating around? Geez. Like I said, this is getting completely out of hand. The columns go up when I finish them. Sometimes early in the morning when I type all the way through after the show, or sometimes mid-morning after I’ve woken up and had breakfast. My column has never gone up at a set time. Ever. The only guarantee I give is that it’s up on Tuesdays, and 99% of the time before noon.

-On to the rose ceremony. Jason: “I don’t know where to start. This has been one of the best weeks of my life. Mel, I had a great time with your friends. Jill, I loved seeing where you came from. Naomi, your family was great. Mol, I had a great time meeting your family and sister. This is ridiculously hard now once family and friends are involved. Well, sort of. Naomi’s parents were basket cases and she’s the only girl I didn’t reference tonight by cutting her name in half. So it looks like its obvious who’s getting the boot.

Molly: Molly is my name, and golf is my game. Take that shaft and, forget it. I’ll stop.
Jillian: If her mom did own one of our blankets, I’m rooting for her.

“Ladies, Jason. This is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. Be sure to emphasize to Naomi how much this doesn’t have to do with her parents.”

Melissa: Her parents would be so proud. Oh wait, no they wouldn’t.

Yes, I’m well aware of the editing they pulled last night. In case you didn’t catch this, when Melissa got the final rose, there was still a rose sitting next to Jason, and Jillian didn’t have a rose in her hand. So, was that done on purpose? Who knows? Maybe. Or not.

-Jason tells Naomi, “In my heart, we’re in different places. You’re gonna conquer the world. I just don’t think you fit with me right now.” Conquer the world? Naomi? Kinda strong words, don’t you think? And I found it telling that he was more sad sending Stephanie home than Naomi. That was pretty much the easiest decision he had to make on the show.

-Naomi: “I would’ve moved to Seattle in a heartbeat. I was so scared to let my guard down, and when I did, you saw what happened. I don’t even care about having a love life right now. I’m better off alone. No idea where I go from here.” I have an idea. Head down to the courthouses and even though you’re an adult, get full and complete separation from that nutjob of a family you have. That’s a start. Then I think the love life will fall right into place after that.

-So next week, we get the media hound herself, DeAnna, just miraculously showing up in New Zealand. Really? And you really think she did that all on her own with no urging by producers or anything? Please. It was, “Hey, lets create a little drama this season. DeAnna, here’s a check for _____, come on the show when Jason is on his overnight dates and try to stir things up.” DeAnna: “How much was that check for? For a one time appearance? When’s the next flight to New Zealand?” So yeah, that’s pretty much how that all goes down. And as I mentioned earlier, I recently got back in touch with Jeremy. I asked him what he thought of the DeAnna reappearance on the show, and he said to give all my readers this message: “OPA!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Is that a clue?). As for Jeremy and I, it’ll be good to take in the Mavericks/Celtics game this Thursday night and get caught up on all this madness. Considering he’s a little bothered by the fact that I know more than him right now, and even he’s asking me questions, it’s safe to say I think he’s going to be grilling me for four quarters. Bring it.

-Time for your clue. You have no idea how many times I’ve changed my mind in the last 48 hours about which clue I was going to post. Had dinner and drinks with friends Sat night and even told them what the clue was going to be. However, that’s not the clue I’m gonna end up using tonight, so, her and her husband actually have a leg up on everybody. Don’t worry. Once I give that clue out, you’ll all be caught up to them. At least I know if I see that clue on the internet anywhere, I can blame her. She wouldn’t do that though. Then again, this same woman admitted to me she likes reading the end of books first, and, must go online and find out what happens at the end of movies before watching them. So maybe she will spill. Anyway, here’s tonight’s clue that I finally decided on. Keep the bombardment of emails to a minimum on this one because I will be answering few, if any, questions regarding this clue. Ahhh, screw it. You’re getting two clues this week since I still can’t decide. Both of these are separate clues, they DO NOT have anything to do with each other, they DO NOT reveal who the final one is, have nothing directly to do with the “K Moon/Rebecca” clue (indirectly, yes), but both definitely play a huge role in what I know about the finale. Clues #2 and #3 are:

“2/3″ (this one actually has two different meanings that I will eventually explain)
“Montreal”

Ok, that’s it. Now go blow up the comments section of the website with all your guesses. The only thing I ask is for you to quit sniping at each other. This is all fun and games. That’s all I ever meant it to be. I wish the rest of you would take it the same way. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. However, don’t be discouraged if you get a “Sorry. Can’t confirm or deny this” in return. It’s saving me from pulling my hair out over all your guesses. Until next time.